Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 7 - Have Your Cake - full transcript

Hey, Brock. You know, I
got the house in the divorce...

so I could say things
like this... Get out.

Why don't you ask Mrs. H
to talk to Barbra Jean? Oh.

- She doesn't mind saying
mean things to her.
- I'm in.

You don't even know what he's
talking about. It doesn't matter.

If it's about Barbra Jean
and it's mean, I'm in.

Mr. H wants Barbra
Jean to drop a few pounds.

[Gasps] Van! You do not talk about Barbra
Jean's weight behind her back like that.

You just made a joke
about it the other day.

[Chuckles] Van,
you do not rat me out.

Wait just a second.
Let me get this straight.



You want me to talk to Barbra Jean
about losing some weight? Yeah, would ya?

Sure. Really?

No! Well, why not?

Because women don't tell other
women that they need to lose weight.

Oh, I'll tell her.

What?

Well, I have to
talk to Barbra Jean.

As an addict, it's my
responsibility to help others.

And in my self-help group,
we got all kinds of addicts.

We got shopping addicts,
gambling addicts, sex addicts.

Sex addicts? Well, I'm
guessing they're not married.

It's good they're
getting help though.

Anyway, I think that Barbra
Jean may be eating more...

because of all the crazy stuff you
put her through in the past year.



[Laughs] Once again, everyone
else's problems are my fault.

See? You say it, but it
doesn't sound like you believe it.

Come on, Dad. Let's go.
Remember, first names only.

Okay, but you'll
be gentle, right?

Totally.

I know how to talk in a way that's
caring and sensitive to people of girth.

Barbra Jean, you're an addict.

What? You're addicted to food.

You use it to dull the feelings
of emptiness in your life...

and the disappointment
in your relationships.

Really? Mm-hmm.

[Sniffing] Do I smell schnapps?

Okay. I'm just trying to help.

Oh, I know you are, dear,

but perhaps you're looking
at me with beer goggles.

Okay, when I called you an
"addict," I was trying to help.

Now you're just
saying that to be mean.

Cheyenne, I'm sure
she didn't mean anything.

I have been in my group long
enough to know how to spot an addict,

and, believe me,
they're everywhere.

But the first time that you tell
someone they got a big problem,

it's like, "Hey, have
another shot, boozehound."

I think, honey, you ought
to let me handle this.

You know what? I swear to God,
I'm gonna slug someone one day.

- What's goin' on, Brock?
- [Sighs] Okay.

Look, I'm just gonna say it. I'm
gonna be direct, straightforward.

Okay, spit it out. You
gained some weight.

Oh.

[Laughs] I'm
just... I'm kiddin'.

Hey, we both put on some
weight. You want some wine? I do.

Oh.

Honey. Honey, you don't have to
get freaked out talkin' about this.

I know I've put on
some extra pounds.

I just didn't realize
that it bothered you.

No, it doesn't "bother
me" bother me.

It's just I thought, maybe, I don't
know, maybe it bothered you.

Well, it really
doesn't bother me.

It would start to bother me if it
"bothered you" bothered you.

No, I just...

Okay, wait. I'm
getting confused.

Look, honey, I just
want you to be happy.

And I... I think you might be happier
if you lost a little weight maybe.

Okay.

So you're not upset?
Why would I be upset?

Uh, I don't know.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

You guys, I just had
the most personal

experience with Brock
that we have ever shared.

I hope the curtains were closed.

So it worked out well?

- I'm only asking because
I played an important role.
- Oh, I know. I know.

And I'm sorry about all those
jokes about you being a big lush.

Not a problem. I just know
it was the "carbs" talkin'.

[Grunts, Laughs]

[Laughs] I know. Oh. So
you're okay with all this?

Oh, why wouldn't I be? You know?

Why wouldn't any wife
be thrilled to find out...

that her husband thinks
she's a big lard-ass?

What?

He said that? [Groans]

If he had said that to me, I'd have
slapped that fake tan right off his head!

No. He didn't say
it exactly like that,

but it's exactly what he meant.

He told me he wants
me to lose weight.

- And you know what? He's right.
- What?

What do you... What do you mean?

- You-You want to lose weight?
- Yes.

I suppose so. You know,
it's... It's just so hard.

Oh, Barbra Jean,

the key to doing anything like this
is doing it with the support of others.

That's right. There
are a ton of groups!

I-I didn't mean "ton."

I meant, there are a lot of
groups that you can contact.

I'll go get the phone book. Oh, no, no,
no, Mom. She doesn't need the phone book.

She already knows our number. Barbra
Jean, Mom and I are gonna do this with you.

Meet Jenny and Craig.

Say what? Oh, come on. You
were just saying the other day...

how you wanted to get rid of a
few unwanted pounds. [Chuckles]

The only unwanted pounds I wanna get
rid of is sitting over there in that chair.

Mom, don't you think going on a diet
will be easier with the help of others?

Oh, I guess. I always lose
my appetite when she's around.

Okay! That's it! We're in!

- Oh, Cheyenne,
are you serious?
- Dead serious.

Okay, we are all
partners in this.

- You can call
or come over 24-7.
- 24...

Say what again?

Oh, my gosh, this is
so... [Stammers, Grunts]

This is so exciting! Oh!

We are gonna be
together constantly!

You know what? I'm gonna
go home and I'm gonna

program you into the
speed dial on my cell phone.

I will talk to you in
two minutes! [Giggles]

[Sighs]

Did you just give her permission to
come over to my house 24-7, day or night?

Mom, knowing that support is
out there is crucial at a time like this.

I should know. That's how I got
over my dependence on alcohol.

Alcohol.

Good idea.

Hey, guys! I just
had a great idea.

Matching sweat suits.
[Pops Mouth] Yeah!

Alcohol and a lot of it.

[Exhales] Whoo! Hah!

Man, that was a great idea.

You know, walking to lunch and
getting a salad with no dressing.

Yeah. And then
walkin' all the way back.

You know, whoo! [Laughs]

You're in pretty good
shape, Barbra Jean.

You practically ran
the whole way home.

Yeah. Well, I knew
there was real food here.

[Laughs] Okay.
Let's stay positive.

Now that salad was very filling.

Oh, no, no. That salad
was huge. You know?

Did everyone else get three
slices of tangerine in theirs?

Or was I just lucky?
You know? Whoo!

What?

Jake, have you
had lunch yet? No.

How many times have I told you
that candy can ruin your appetite?

Plenty. My problem
is I just won't listen.

Jake, you need to learn to not
eat candy without permission.

Okay, now hand it over, and
I will dispose of it properly.

No, no, no, no, no, no. He's
my son. I'll take care of it.

Hey, you know what? I have
willpower. Hand it over, shorty.

No, give it to me. I know
better. I know better.

Give it to me.
I got it! I got it!

It's mine! I hate it
when you guys diet.

No. Jake! Jake! Jake! Jake!

You know, when he runs,

he kinda looks like a
little chicken, you know?

Thanks for doin'
this with me, guys.

I could never succeed
without your support.

No problem. We'll
see you at dinnertime.

Oh, Reba, I can't go home.

There's too much
temptation there.

Last night I ate a Cheerio
I found in the dryer.

You can do anything with
the support of your friends.

Now go home, Barbra
Jean. You have our support.

You can stay here as long as you
need to, Barbra Jean. Oh. Thanks.

Thanks.

[Sighing]

That looks so good.

It's potpourri.

Is it fresh? No.
Here. Stop! Stop!

Okay, here's what
we're gonna do.

In five minutes, if we
show some self-control,

we will reward
ourselves with a snack.

Half a plum and three
cashews. Until then, no food talk.

Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm! Right. Yeah.

Hello, ladies. Lookin' skinny.

So how's the diet
going? Oh, it's goin' great.

We walked three miles
for a bowl of lettuce.

Oh, we also had a
light, healthy lunch.

Really? [Sniffing] Yeah.

Because you smell like garlic.

No! My salad had, uh, you
know, uh, Italian dressing.

- Plus there was garlic
on the pizza.
- Van!

You had pizza?

Mushroom and sausage.

Oh, I want some! What?

No! Barbra Jean! I-I
had a salad. I swear.

You had veal piccata
with a side of rotini.

You can taste that? Oh, yeah.
What'd you have for dessert?

Oh! All right! Cut it out!

Cut it out! Cut it out!
Stop this! Stop this!

Wow. Brock, Van,
go brush your teeth...

and chew a pack of gum.

Here, Van. Here. Here. Here. Here. Here.
Take this. My stomach's starting to rumble.

Oh, honey, I'm really,
really proud of you.

You know, when he
walks away like that,

he kinda looks like
an onion blossom.

Come on, guys! This
can't be that hard.

What are we, some
desperate hungry animals?

[Timer Dings] [Clamoring]

[Shouts]

♪♪ [Humming]

Someone took my cupcake.

[Sniffing]

[Sniffing]

Mom! That's my cupcake!

Well, you're on a
diet! So are you!

So is she.

Fine. I'm just gonna
have ice cream.

It's over on the table.

Okay. Look, I just
want you to know...

that this is the first time
that I've cheated on our diet.

I've cheated every
night this week. [Sighs]

Hey, guys, I saw
the light on, and I...

Well, what do we have here?

This is your fault, Cheyenne.

"Come over 24-7.
Anytime you want."

Well, I came over because I
found another Cheerio in the dryer...

and I needed the
support of my diet buddies.

But, you know, I guess
it's okay if you two cheat...

because I'm the only one
who needs to lose weight, right?

No, I have to, too, and I have.

- I've lost a pound and a half.
- And I've lost two pounds.

[Sobs] I've gained four!

- And I'm not cheating!
- Oh, no, Barbra Jean.

You've been working out. Maybe
it's muscle. That weighs more than fat.

Shut up before I snap
you in two. All right!

All right. Let's all
calm down here.

Cheyenne, why don't you go
put the ice cream away? Okay.

Okay, Barbra Jean, I
know this is hard, but...

In no time at all, those
pounds will just start melting off.

Oh, Reba! No, they won't.

I have tried dieting before,
and I've always exercised.

And my doctor, he says
I'm healthy as a horse...

A Clydesdale.

Well, I think it's time you
found yourself a new doctor.

Oh, I'm on an H.M.O.

I'm just built differently.

You know, why... Why couldn't I
have been built like you two? [Scoffs]

Barbra Jean, a lot of people
have issues with their bodies. Yeah.

Why do you think it's been three
years since I've been to the beach?

Because of your
pasty white skin?

No.

Because I don't feel comfortable
in a bathing suit anymore.

Yeah, Barbra Jean.

I got this scaly patch of
skin right here on my elbow.

Well... Well, you can't see it
now, but... No, it's totally there.

Yeah, I know.

We all talk about it.

You know what, Reba?

I would kill to look like you.

And you know what? I never will.

And all this dieting is doing
is just making me miserable.

Well, then stop it. Oh, right.

I mean it. Why be miserable
when you don't have to?

Because...

I wanna be beautiful.

You are beautiful!
Oh, please, Reba!

I look at the television and
the movies and the magazines...

and none of those women look
like me or anyone else that I know.

Well, except for maybe you two.

You two are the freaks.

Oh, Barbra Jean.

You think I look like I
could be in a magazine?

- Seriously, like a twig.
- Okay, Cheyenne, Cheyenne. Come here.

Go put some lotion on
your scaly patch. Yeah.

Barbra Jean, do you think you're funny,
interesting and genuinely a good person?

Yeah. Well, I do too.

- I'm also kind-hearted
and well-meaning.
- Okay.

I'm good with animals...
Both live and balloon.

I know how to milk cows and goats,
and I know how to milk a squirrel...

Okay. All right. All right.

Let's just say that you
have a lot of good traits.

Okay? And that should be
enough for you to like yourself.

It doesn't matter what
anybody else thinks.

Well, Reba, it matters
what my husband thinks,

and my husband doesn't
think that I'm attractive.

You know, that's why we haven't
had any... ♪ Bow-chicka-bow-bow ♪

in the bedroom lately.

Okay.

I am going to
address the issue...

of yours and Brock's
"bow-chicka-bow-bow"...

once.

Then I'm gonna go take a shower,
and we'll never speak of it again.

I don't think it's Brock who
doesn't find you attractive.

- What do you mean?
- Okay. Yeah, you've put on
a few pounds,

but it's not like you were tiny
when you and Brock got together.

I mean, let's face it, you've
always been a handful of woman.

And Brock, God bless him,
couldn't keep his hands off of ya.

Well, it's true. You know this
one time, we were at the state fair...

- Stop!
- Okay.

[Sighs]

The change is, I don't think
you find yourself attractive.

[Sobs] So what do I do?

[Sniffling]

I think you need to go home,

put on something that
makes you feel sexy,

and then let your husband show
you how beautiful you are to him.

[Sniffling]

Thank you, Reba.

That couldn't have
been easy to say.

A lot easier to say than
"bow-chicka-bow-bow."

[Laughs]

And you know what?
I am really grateful.

And tomorrow, I'm gonna
help you with your problem.

I'm gonna get a big umbrella
and some S.P.F. 120,

and you and me,
we're goin' to the beach.

[Door Closes]

Oh, Lord, please let it rain.

Hey! Hey! How was the beach?

Oh, it was great!

You know, nothing like a little tan to
make a girl feel pretty. Oh, and, um,

- when your Mom comes in,
say nothing.
- What are you talking about?

Ow. Ow.

Ow. [Sighs]

- You okay?
- Barbra Jean was supposed
to wake me up.

Well, I was doin' a
sand sculpture of you,

and it's easier to
do if you don't move.

Ow. Ow. Ow.

Well, thanks to
you, I look ridiculous.

Oh! No, you don't!

Oh! Oh, oh, oh. Ow.

Yeah. [Groans, Sighs]

Ooh, look, you're my little
Reba Raccoon. [Laughs]

[Groans] Okay,
you... That is bad.

Cheyenne, get your Mom some
of your scaly patch lotion. [Laughs]

♪♪ [Humming]

- Oh. Oh.
- Ow.

[Groaning]

[Whimpering]

Acme! [Coughing]