Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 6 - Best Li'l Haunted House in Texas - full transcript

Here's your
breakfast, Van. Enjoy.

Cold, dry cereal. Thanks
for going the extra mile!

Halloween is in three days, and I still
don't know what Elizabeth's gonna be.

What about her idea? She is
not gonna be Winnie the Poop.

Van, what are you doing?

I'm trying to get to the prize. If I
use my hands, it'll be unsanitary.

Is the prize five
cavities and a gut?

Oh!

That's why I married
you... That sense of humor.

Oh, wait. No. It was the baby.

Hey, look at this.



A mouse. How terrifying.

Whoo-hoo! Gotcha, Van.
You've been "Reba'd."

Gee, the whole "mouse
in the cereal" bit, Mom.

What's that, like,
four years in a row?

Four terrifying years in a row.

Here, Cheyenne. Take this
from me, would you, please?

Hurry. Quick. Quick.
[Grunting] Aaah!

Aaah! [Fake Crying]

[Laughing]

How unfortunate. You seem to have
pulled your mom's arms out of her sockets.

My halloween pranks are funny.

What, like putting eyeballs
in the ice cube trays?

Or answering the door
and saying, "Velcome."

Or putting dry
ice in the toilet.



That's not funny. That
just burns. Mm-hmm.

I'm just getting warmed up.

I'm saving all my funny
stuff for this Halloween.

Whoo-hoo-hoo-ha-ha-ha!

Yeah, well, I'm sorry
I'm gonna miss that,

but my support group is
throwing us a sober party.

Sober Halloween?

What are you gonna
go dressed as, a nap?

Shut up, Van. I'm a goblin. Oh.

- And it's important
that I go.
- Yeah, but why can't I go?

Because you're
not an alcoholic yet.

I just think you're spending an
awful lot of time with your group,

especially that Frank guy.

I don't like the way
he looks at you.

Okay, Van. Frank is my sponsor,
and he is really important to me.

Well, thank God we have
Frank to get you through it.

I know I do. I know
you know you do.

I know I know I do. I know I know
you know I do, 'cause I just told you.

All right. All right,
you two, knock it off.

Van, if you don't have anything to do on
Halloween, you can spend it here with me.

Arr!

Yeah, right. Dressed
as what, a yawn?

[Chuckling] Nice yarmulke.

[Chuckling Continues]

Or...

you can wear what you
have on and go as a jackass.

Mom, you do not
want Van at your party.

He's been acting
really weird lately.

He's always bugging me
about spending time with Frank.

It's like he doesn't
trust me or something.

Cheyenne, you know
Van. He's just jealous.

I know, but I can't help it
if Frank is young and hot.

It would help a lot if you'd
quit saying stuff like that.

Aha!

Here's someone who'll come
to my super-duper scary party.

You're gonna be
there, right, Jake?

Yeah, right. Dressed
as what, a coma?

No. I was thinking
Eddie Munster.

Who?

Who?

Mom, I'm not a kid anymore.

Me and my friends wanna go
over to Nick's and make omelets.

Omelets?

Yeah. Oh. And you need
to buy me three dozen eggs.

I don't think so.

Look, scaring each other is a family
tradition. You're staying here with me.

It's not fair. I never
get to do anything fun.

Thanks for ruining my life!

You're "velcome." [Laughs]

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Why do we have to defrost Reba's
dinner? I haven't even had my dinner.

Because she called and said she
was working late and needed our help.

Besides, since she's not here, I
can snoop through her junk drawer.

That's how her rubber
band ball got so big.

Did she say what
she's having for dinner?

Chicken.

Oh, my gosh.
Brock, are you blind?

Mint chocolate chip.
Get me a spoon.

Oh, come on. That's
a very scary head.

You have no idea how much
nail polish I wasted on that neck.

You wanna know what's scary?

These Popsicles were in
here when we got divorced.

Just bring me the
severed head...

or, as I like to
call him, Brock Jr.

Face it, Reba. Halloween
is a thing of the past.

I can't give up. Every year the kids
get older, they get harder to scare.

I got to try something new. Well,
you could try not scaring them.

Brock, this is a
family tradition.

My mama scared me.
Her mama scared her.

My great-grandmama
scared the whole village.

Till they burned her
at the stake. Mm-hmm.

Just let it go, Reba.
The kids are older now.

I can't let this end with me.

If I don't get Jake into it this
year, the family tradition could die.

Come on, guys. Help me out.
You're the scariest people I know.

I want nothing to do
with it. Halloween is evil.

I know you're gonna make fun
of me, but I know what I know,

and there is no
trick-or-treating in the Bible.

Halloween isn't about
evil. It's about fun.

Oh, no. She hands out religious
pamphlets instead of Halloween candy.

- I do.
- That's why our house has been
egged the last five years.

Two of those years
could have been me.

Well, I would rather have an
eggy door and a clean soul...

than the other way around.

Are you saying I should
just let Halloween go?

You know who
didn't let it go? No.

The druids.

And where are they now? Florida?

Hell.

Now, come on, Brock.

Let's go put the manger on
the lawn for Halloween night.

Man, I'm gonna be cleaning egg
off the baby Jesus till Thanksgiving.

Oh, hey, everybody.
We're just out here.

Hey, Cheyenne, who's this?

Frank. He's, um...
He's my... He's...

Sponsor. Yeah.

I'm Brock, Cheyenne's dad.

Hey.

Hi, Frank.

I'm Barbra Jean,
Cheyenne's dad's second wife.

Hello.

Hi, Frank. I'm Cheyenne's
mom. Come on in.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

Cheyenne didn't tell me she
had such a young-looking mom.

Well, uh, we don't usually
talk about it around here,

but you can if you like.

Van, company!

You got quite a daughter here.
She's a delight to have in group.

I really can't get
enough of her.

Isn't he great? Oh, stop it.

So glad I got a drinking
problem. Oh, yeah.

Van!

Oh, it's Frank.

Hey, Frank.

What's up, Frank?

Nothing, Van. How
you doing, Van?

Real good, Frank. Real good.

Van, be nice.

Oh, what? I'm always
nice. Of course I will.

Excuse me, Frank,
while I greet my wife.

Van. Ohh!

Listen, Van, I hope you don't feel weird
about me taking Cheyenne to the party.

Well, I would feel better
if you were gay or ugly.

Are you gay?

Yeah, my girlfriend didn't
like these parties either.

Oh, you have a girlfriend?

No. Not anymore. We
broke up after I got sober.

We didn't have
anything in common.

I guess we just grew apart.

Aw. You're so sensitive.

[Mouthing Words]

Are you sure you're not gay?

Hey, it was nice
meeting everyone.

Oh. You too.

See you, Cheyenne.
Bye. Bye, Frank.

Bye.

Yeah. [Door Closes]

Don't ever do that to me again.

[Imitating Cheyenne] Okay. Bye.

[Giggling]

Van, is there something
you wanna talk to us about?

No. No. Why would I wanna talk
about my wife having an affair?

Why is it frozen?

Van, you don't really think
Cheyenne's having an affair?

Oh, no way. Van, Cheyenne
is not having an affair.

Did you see the way
she acted with him?

"Frank, he's so sweet.

He's so... He's so
sensitive." Makes me sick.

Van, look, I realize that
Frank is flirty and good-looking,

but I trust Cheyenne.

Oh? Well, look where
that trust got you, Grandma.

Don't you think I would know if
someone was cheating in my house?

[Coughs]

Is it possible that
you're overreacting?

Chill out, man. It's not like they're
spending a ton of time together.

They spent every
day this week together.

Yeah, but she comes home right
after the meetings, doesn't she?

Her meetings end at 8:00.
She didn't get home until 11:30.

- Ew.
- Oh, boy.

Van, don't listen to them.

I can assure you that Cheyenne
would not let anything jeopardize...

what she has here at home.

Yeah, but, Mrs. H, I have
a strong feeling about this.

Well, Van, if it's proof that you want,
you should hire a private detective.

That's what I did when
Brock and I were separated.

What?

Oh, yeah.

He followed you to
work, to the golf course,

to that tanning salon
you say you don't go to.

I'll tell you what though.

If there is something going on
between them, I'm gonna kill Frank.

Oh! She's totally cheating.

- Plain as day.
- What?

Reba, this has all the
hallmarks of an affair.

Yeah, it happens all the time
when someone gets sober.

They hang around with
someone they can trust.

She's vulnerable. And
did you see that guy?

Oh, I don't know. I trust
her. She's a good girl.

I was a good girl.

Crap! Yeah.

[Sighs] I don't know.

I trust Cheyenne, but it
does look a little suspicious.

What do you think?

All right, Mom. Van's
walking me to Nick's house.

Yeah, we just have to
stop by the store first.

Okay, Van, I don't want
you buying him any eggs.

Don't worry, Mrs. H. Apparently, some
of the boys sprouted some chin hair,

and they need 12
cans of shaving cream.

Just take him to Nick's.

Hey, Barbra Jean. Hey,
Mr. H. Happy Halloween.

Oh, no, it is not. [Sputtering]

Barbra Jean.

Where's Henry? Didn't you
bring him to trick-or-treat?

Oh, no. We dropped
him off at the church party.

Everyone goes dressed
as a figure from the Bible.

Henry went as Charlton Heston.

Hey, I should have
brought him over here...

so he could part your red hair.

So, uh, has Cheyenne
left for her party yet,

because I'm thinking
maybe we shouldn't let her go.

I don't know. It
seems a little extreme.

Basically, it's a 12-step
meeting in costumes.

How much trouble
could she get in?

I'm off to my party. [Giggles]

Is that why you wanna
hire a cleaning lady, Brock?

Cheyenne, don't you think this
costume is a little bit, uh, little?

I'm a French maid.
It's historically accurate.

I thought you were
gonna go as a goblin.

Oh, yeah, but then I realized goblins
are ugly. I could never pull that off.

Honey, I'm just saying I
don't think it's appropriate...

for you to go to a party dressed
like that without your husband.

Well, it's too late, because
Frank is going as lord of the manor.

It's like he's my
boss. [Giggles]

[Vehicle Horn Honking]
Oh, that's Frank now.

Coming, monsieur. Oh, I love
Halloween. Don't "vait" up for me.

Something tells me
the lord of the manor...

is getting his
pillows fluffed tonight.

Stop it. I told you
she's a good girl.

I was a good girl. Crap.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey. Look.
Cheyenne dropped this.

[Barbra Jean] What?
"Pruitt Hotel and Suites."

Pruitt? Ain't that
pretty sleazy? Yeah.

Oh, no. What if they got a room?

I'll call Joe, the
night manager.

[Muttering]

[Sighs] Look at this.

"Room 601. Can't wait. Frank."

Okay, that's it. I'm gonna
put a stop to this right now.

Mom! What?

Something really bad just
happened. What happened? What?

It's Van and that guy.

What about 'em? He saw
them together. Van freaked.

- Oh, Lord.
- I got to go stop him.

[Barbra Jean] Oh, my gosh. Van!

- You got to hide me.
- [Brock] What in the world?

Frank and I got into a fight. It
was bad. I didn't mean to hurt him.

Oh, no, no, no!

Where's Cheyenne? I left her
there. She made her choice.

Left her where? I don't
remember. All I saw was red.

Okay, everybody, just calm down.

I got to get out of here! Mr. H,
you still know those guys in Mexico?

Who do you know in Mexico?

Ask your private detective.

Van, you're not going
anywhere. Where is my daughter?

- If you did
anything to her...
- Mom.

- Oh, Cheyenne. All right.
- [Reba] Are you okay?

Oh, Mom, it was awful. I couldn't see
anything. There was blood everywhere.

Van, what did you do with Frank?

He's in a place where he
can't destroy any more families.

Van, what did you do to him?

The cops are on their way.
I heard the sirens. Police?

You know what? I know
how to buy us some time.

I'm gonna tamper with the crime
scene, and I'll get rid of Van's D.N.A.

Now, don't worry. I
watch all of the CSI's.

Barbra Jean, honey.
Don't... What the...

Tell me where you hid him.

If you do not tell me, I'm gonna
tell the cops where you're hiding.

You wanna know where he
is? Fine. I put him in the trunk.

You monster! Van, he
could suffocate in there.

I wouldn't worry about that now.

- What have you done? I got to go help him.
- [Brock] Go. Yeah.

[Screams]

He got out.

Help me. Help me.

Oh! Oh. He's dead. Somebody
do something. Come on.

- What are you doing?
- Happy Halloween, Mom.

You've been "Jake'd."

You know, you
could've caught me.

[All Laughing] Gotcha!

[Laughing Trails Off]

Mom? Reba?

How dare you?

Uh-oh. Here comes
the real blood.

You made me feel ridiculous for
doing all my Halloween pranks...

so you could pull this off?

And all of you were in it!

Lying, scheming,
plotting behind my back.

Okay, Reba, just calm
down. It was only a joke.

Just a joke? Are you kidding?

I almost had a heart attack!

And it was awesome!

Aaah!

Yeah!

It was great. You got
me, and you got me good.

Man, this was the greatest
present a mama could ever get.

And I pass the torch on to you.

[Cheyenne] Aw.

[Chuckles] And you,
you were phenomenal.

- Cheyenne, where did
you find this guy?
- Oh, he's an actor.

I met him at my meeting.
The place is full of 'em.

It was an honor
sharing my craft...

with two lovely ladies
such as yourselves.

I'm reminded of a
sonnet by the Bard...

Oh, really? Well, I'm reminded
of the door. Thanks a lot.

Check's in the mail, pretty boy.

That guy's definitely gay.

I can't believe you
guys pulled it off.

Everybody did such a good job, except
Barbra Jean. She was a little over the top.

Yeah, well... Barbra Jean.

Oh, boy.

- You didn't tell her?
- Oh, come on. Everyone
knows she can't keep a secret.

You mean to tell me...

that Barbra Jean is out there somewhere
searching for a fake crime scene?

- Yeah.
- This Halloween
just gets better and better.

Acme! [Coughing]