Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 4 - And God Created Van - full transcript

So what do you guys really
think of Reverend Parks?

- Smokin' hot.
- Mm-hmm.

Barbra Jean, he's a man of God.

I got two words for
you, Reba... Thorn Birds.

He is kind of cute. Yeah.

When a man's behind the pulpit, I
don't think about those kind of things.

But if he was a construction
worker, I'd be all over that.

- [Barbra Jean] Oh, yeah.
- Hey, kids, you got
your church clothes on.

Those clothes are for praying,
not for playing. Come on.

Hi, baby. [Van] Run!

Run! Come on, baby. Run! Run!



Run! Yes! Touchdown!

Van? Hey.

- We're back.
- How was church?

- Fine. How was sinning?
- Awesome.

Hey, Elizabeth.
That's a pretty dress.

Yeah, and she only pulled
it over her head three times.

Come on, Elizabeth. Let's
go get washed up for lunch.

Come on, honey. Come on.

Na, na, na, na, na,
na, na! [Squeals]

Van? Huh?

We have a problem. I know.
The Texans got no running game.

Show him.

Elizabeth drew this picture
today at Sunday school.

It's her family at church.
Notice something missing, Van?



Huh? Perspective
and subtle shading?

You. Van, you're missing.

Well, maybe that orange
smudge is supposed to be me.

Face it, Cheyenne.
She's not very good.

Van, you shouldn't be sitting
and drinking beer on Sunday...

while your daughter is in
church. You really shouldn't.

It's not good. It's not right.

- It's bad!
- Okay!

Okay. How many wives do I have?

Why is everybody bothering me?

Mr. H spent the morning drinking beer
and watching football, too, at Hooters!

[Chuckles] Honey, don't you listen
to your silly, hat-wearin' Uncle Van.

Come on, sweetie. You know
Daddy spent the morning...

doing dental work for the poor,

just like Jesus would've done
if he'd gone to dental school.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Mom, can I ask you a
question about the Bible?

Sure, honey. Can a
brother and sister marry?

Jake, what's that got
to do with the Bible?

Well, if Adam and Eve
were the first people on Earth,

and they had kids, then
who did their kids marry?

Uh, Jake, why don't
we leave that question...

for your Sunday school
teacher, okay? Okay.

But if she didn't know this week, I
don't know why she'd know next week.

Let's have some
quiet time, okay?

Okay, Van.

Put this on and
get in the car. Ooh!

Are we spicing up
our love life? No.

We're going to church.

On a Wednesday night?
What is this, Christmas Eve?

Van, you said the only reason you weren't
going to church was because of football.

Well, there's no game on
tonight. Oh, yes, there is.

Classic Sports Channel is
showing a rerun of Super Bowl VIII.

It's like watching an old
Super Bowl all over again.

Van... Man, I wish
I could bet on it!

[Door Opens]

Who's ready for some God?

No, thanks. My God tank is full.

Oh, there's always room
for Reverend Yummy Pants.

[Mock Cough] Yeah.

Mr. H, good. A man.

Explain to them why
football is better than church.

Well, I would, Van,
but as a matter of fact,

I am going to church
tonight, thanks to you.

And Wednesdays are
endless hot wings at Hooters!

Hey, I had a bunch of
women squawking at me.

I needed them to get
mad at someone else.

Yeah, well... I get that.

Mom, Van is still refusing
to go to church. Make him go.

I don't think it's right to force
somebody to go if they don't wanna go.

Oh, you're wrong, Reba. My
daddy used to force my brother to go.

And now he's the most God-fearing,
churchgoing person in prison.

I-I can't believe that
you're sticking up for them.

Honey, the Bible teaches
us to be tolerant of others.

But that's only for people
who think the same way we do.

Well, Van doesn't wanna
go, and Brock can't go.

Holy water burns.

I agree with Reba, even
though she's being mean to me.

You're going, Brock. I'm
your wife now, not Reba.

If you don't wanna be forced to go to
church, you should've stayed with her.

Man, I knew that'd
come back to haunt me.

[Chuckling]

I'll go get the car.

Look, Van, ever since I
accidentally got pregnant,

you and I talked about, from that moment
on, we were gonna be good parents.

And part of that
is going to church.

Just think of it like
we're cops, all right?

Good parent, bad parent.

Van, do it for Elizabeth. Oh,
please, don't do that to me!

You know how I get weak when
you bring up that wonderful child.

Do it for that sweet, innocent
daughter that you love so much...

and wanna do such
a good job parenting.

Okay, okay, fine.
I'll go. Really?

Yes. I'd rather go to
church for an hour...

than listen to you bark at
me for the next three months.

That is the sweet guy that Elizabeth
calls the world's greatest daddy.

- Mmm!
- Watch the hair.

Elizabeth, come on.
Daddy's going to church!

Well, praise the
Lord for parental guilt.

I gotta tell ya, I'm really
glad you changed your mind.

Yeah. You're lucky, Van.

For every day you don't go to
church, God takes a day off of your life.

I think you're thinking
about cigarettes.

But who knows? You
might learn something.

Yeah, well, I doubt it.

Come on, Van. It's just a couple of
hours. And you'll be doing a good thing.

Look, I said I'll go. I don't
have to be happy about it.

Van, what is it about going to church
that's so bad? You don't wanna know.

Yeah, I do. Well, I
don't wanna tell you.

Why not? Because...
I don't believe in God.

He's just jokin'.

Is it me, or is it
gettin' hotter in here?

[Sputters]

Van, we need to talk. I've
already said what I have to say.

Good. 'Cause when I said
we talk, I meant you listen.

Look, Van, there's two things
you can always believe in.

One is God, and
the other thing is...

if you ever say anything like that
again, I will put you in the ground!

I knew it. I knew you
wouldn't be able to accept this.

Of course I can't accept this.

Van, if you don't believe, why do you watch
Davey and Goliath every Saturday morning?

Because it's funny.

Especially when he
says, "Aw, gee, Davey."

Stop it. You will not be
joking around about this.

This is a God-fearing
house, so start fearing.

Mrs. H, you cannot
tell me how to think.

They're my thoughts, and
I might not have 'em often,

but I know I'm
allowed to have 'em.

We're talking about
my soul here, not yours.

Yeah, but your soul
lives in my house, and

I don't want it to get
struck by lightning.

A minute ago, you were all
acceptance and tolerance.

You're only tolerant if I
think the same way you do.

You're acting just
like Barbra Jean said.

You're comparing me to Barbra
Jean? Oh, you are tempting fate, buddy!

Reba, I hope you don't mind, but I
was just looking through my Bible...

for a passage that might help
Van, and, um, I think I found it.

Van, if you look here at Matthew
12, verse three. Oh, Barbra Jean...

Jesus says unto his disciples...

What is wrong with you, boy? Ow!

Huh? You wanna spend
eternity in a fiery damnation?

Knock it off!

Streets of gold or lakes
of fire... your choice, Van!

Barbra Jean, stop it! You're not
gonna get anybody to believe...

by hittin' them with a Bible.
That's how my daddy did it.

Listen, I'm sorry this upsets
everyone, but this is how I feel.

Van, what happened to you? You
used to believe. You used to pray.

You're right, Mrs. H. I used to
pray. I used to pray every day.

And then when I found out about my
back problems, I prayed 10 times a day.

I asked God, "Please.
Please, let me play football."

And if there is a God,
then he sucks at his job.

Okay, that does
it. Get in the car.

Is this the part where you're
gonna put me in the ground?

No, this is the part where you're
gonna go speak to the minister.

And if that doesn't work, then I'm gonna
put you in the ground! Now get in the car!

It is definitely getting
hotter in here. Get in the car!

[Reba] Come on. Up the hill.

Okay, Reba, when we get into the reverend's
office, tell me that my hair looks great.

Okay. No. Say how
smart I am. No, no, no.

Casually mention that I've
memorized the whole Bible.

Oh!

Oh, Mrs. Hart. Van.

Barbra Jean. Reverend Parks.

[Giggling]

I should really make sure
she's okay. No. Let's go.

Reverend Parks, we have a
problem we need you to solve.

Uh, the service
starts in 10 minutes.

Well, you better work fast.

Van doesn't believe in God. Go!

Ah. Speed converting.

Time me. Okay,
Van, first of all,

are you here of your
own free will and volition?

If volition means a threat
of violence, then yes.

You're free to go.

Thank you, Reverend Yummy Pants.

What are you doing? The
boy doesn't believe in God.

That's the least of my worries. What
does "Reverend Yummy Pants" mean?

He's lost his way. You
gotta do something.

I've done everything I can think
of. And Barbra Jean even hit him.

Barbra Jean? She seems so nice.

She sent me a copy
of The Thorn Birds.

Look. I think Van
really does believe.

But he's just going through
a crisis right now. Mm-hmm.

I think that he's a
little bit mad at God...

because he hadn't been
having his prayers answered.

Well, that sounds like
a pretty decent reason.

Not having your prayers
answered is a bad reason!

I'm the queen of unanswered prayers,
and you don't see me giving up on the Lord.

You're the queen of
unanswered prayers?

Oh, this is gonna be a
big blow to my mother.

Would you stop it?

I'm here for guidance. Oh!

You're here for guidance.

Now were talkin'. I don't
mean for me. I mean for Van.

He's the one with the doubts.

It seems to me that the
queen of unanswered

prayers may have some
doubts of her own about God.

Well, I don't. I'm very
grateful for everything I have.

- And I tell God that every day.
- Good for you.

But there must be a lot that you're
unhappy about. Do you tell God that?

Do you have to have a
snippy response to everything?

I'm not trying to be flip.

It just seems that
everybody, at some point

or another, would
have their faith tested.

- It's human.
- Well, I'm not.

- I mean, I've never.
- Not just a little?

No! And I don't wanna talk
about it. I'm here to talk about Van.

A lot of times, people come in
here to talk about their "friends,"

but they really want to
talk about themselves.

And if that's you, I'm
a really good listener.

All I wanna do is help Van.

Fair enough.

[Clears Throat] Mrs. Hart,

people who come to church
are only helped if they want to be.

So if Van wants to talk to someone, please,
let him know my door is always open.

- I think that
takes care of everything.
- So that's it? Good-bye?

- That's it.
- Thanks for nothin'.

Three, two, one.

Mm-hmm. You know,
you're really ticking me off!

I don't know if you went
to seminary school...

or took an improv class
down at the comedy club.

- And your point is?
- Yes, I've had my doubts.

Happy? [Sighs]

I was a wife and a mother. Then my
husband left me for his pregnant assistant.

Then my daughter
got pregnant too.

Then she came and told me that she
was gonna marry her teenage boyfriend.

- I didn't know.
- [Sighs]

I knew what my life was. And
then one day, it all vanished.

I prayed and I
prayed and I prayed.

And then one
day, I just stopped.

- Why don't you tell Van this?
- Because I'm ashamed
that I felt that way!

Reba, calm down.
God is a big boy.

He can handle it when
people react normally,

when life roughs
them up a little bit.

But I can't tell Van to believe
in him, and neither can you.

But you can tell him that you know
someone who's felt the same way.

Well, Reverend Yummy Pants.

You're beginning to sound
a little bit like a minister.

Well, I do impressions.

- Can I ask you
one more question?
- Of course you can.

Can a brother
and a sister marry?

I told Jake to ask
you that. You did?

I still don't understand.

How did Van get a letter from the
minister excusing him from church?

God works in mysterious
ways, Cheyenne.

Well, you're gonna start going
after football season ends, right?

Well, let's just see how
preseason hockey goes.

Bye, Elizabeth.

Jake, come on.
Let's go to church.

Whoa, Jake, the coat.
Wow. You look nice.

Just trying to, uh,
spruce it up a bit.

Yeah? Here. Let me
help you out with this.

You're not taking the
Game Boy to church.

I'm supposed to bring it to the church
for the Blessing of the Game Boys.

Do you think I
make this stuff up?

Okay, but you're gonna leave
it in the car when we get there.

Fine. But I'm
playing it in my head.

Hey, Mrs. H? Yeah, Van.

How did you get that note?

Van, I don't put 20 bucks in the
collection plate every Sunday...

without expecting a few favors.

No, but what I mean
is-is why? Why'd you do it?

How come you're not mad at me
anymore? I was never mad at you.

Oh. I guess I assume
someone's mad at me...

when they say they're
gonna put me in the ground.

And I'm sorry I
don't believe in God.

Van, I don't think
you really mean that.

I think you still believe. It's just that
you and God aren't talking right now.

You guys have a relationship...

that I desperately really
wanna have with Barbra Jean.

I guess this feeling is
something you can't understand.

Well, that's a bet you'd lose,
Van, 'cause I've been there.

Come on. You? [Chuckles]

Yeah, even the most devout
person has their doubts.

Not Mel Gibson.

Yes, Van, even Mel Gibson.

But you know what I
learned through all this?

I learned that God waits on us.

He waited for me
when I was mad at him.

Wow.

What did you ever
do to tick her off?

Wow.

Reverend Parks?
Oh, Barbra Jean. Hi.

Please, come on in. Oh.

Oh, such a gentleman. [Chuckles]

Well, Reverend, I just
wanted to thank you...

for all your hard work here at
the church, so I baked you a pie.

Oh! Oh, look at that.

You cut out little birds in the
crust. What are they, mockingbirds?

Thorn.

Thorn birds.

So, what can I do for you today?

Well, Reverend, I, um... I wanted
to talk to you about, um, a friend.

Okay.

See, um, this
friend is married...

and would never do anything
to betray her husband.

She also has this best friend,
the former wife of said husband,

and she would never do
anything to betray her as well.

Well, except steal her man.
But that was a long time ago.

And... Barbra Jean.

I, too, have a story
that I would like to share.

- Oh.
- I have a friend
who is a minister.

Really? [Chuckling]

And this minister is really interested in
one of the members of his congregation.

[Voice Quavering] Really?

But he doesn't know how
to go about asking her out.

If she came to see him, do you think
that would be a good time to ask her?

Okay, you know what?
Listen, Mr. Minister, all right?

I know when you say "friend,"
you really mean yourself.

And just because
I shamelessly flirt...

Which I cannot help because I am a
naturally vivacious and friendly person...

Does not mean that you
could make a pass at me.

And in the church,
for golly sake!

- Barbra Jean...
- Oh, no, no, no.

Your smooth talk is not gonna
fly, peaches. Okay? All right?

This is wrong, church boy.
Wrong as wrong can be.

Now, I'm gonna take my pie and my
special edition copy of The Thorn Birds...

and I'm just gonna pretend like
this conversation never happened.

Oh, my goodness!
I can't believe it.

Barbra Jean? What?

I was talking about Reba.

Oh.

Of course you were. You have
to say that because I'm taken.

See you Sunday, all
right? [Smacks Buttocks]

♪ Amazing Grace ♪

♪ How sweet ♪♪

Acme! [Coughing]