Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 3 - As Is - full transcript

[Grunts, Groans]

So, how was your day?

You know that little starter
home I've been tryin' to sell?

Well, guess what. I sold it!

It's like you're cursed.

Yeah, isn't selling houses
what you're supposed to do?

The buyer was another real
estate agent from my firm.

He's gonna flip it!

One of my brothers flips houses.
He buys low and sells high.

He has made a fortune. Mmm.

My other brother
flipped his pick-up.



He's made a fortune
pretending he has whiplash.

This is the third time
he's done this to me.

David Davids, a guy who's not creative
enough to have two different names...

is makin' a fortune off of me!

- He's already made 50 grand.
- Fifty grand?

Reba, excuse me for pointing
out what should be obvious,

but there's a simple way
to keep this from happening.

Instead of being the "flippee,"
you should be the flipper.

[Gasps] Yeah, Mom.
You should totally do that.

Do you think I'm so stupid that
I hadn't already thought of that?

[Murmurs, Mouthing Words]

I've already thought of that!

Well, then why don't you do it?

'Cause. You have to have a preapproved
mortgage from the bank, and I can't get it.



My credit rating is too low. Don't ever
get divorced, Cheyenne. It'll ruin you.

Sorry!

Wait a minute. You and
Van are partners, right?

Well, Van has one of
those preapproval letters.

No, he doesn't. Wait. He does?

- Mm-hmm.
- Why?

He got it after the 10th time
you threatened to kick us out.

He said we needed
a quick exit strategy.

I got it. Wite-Out.

We'll get the letter from Van. We'll
Wite-Out his name. We'll put in your name.

You know, as I say
it, it sounds like fraud.

Look. Why don't you just mooch
off Van? That'd be a turnaround.

That's a great idea. Who
knew Van could be so useful?

This is perfect. I got the brains and
the know-how. He's got the credit!

[Chuckles] I can't wait
to bring Van in on this!

- Bring Van in on what?
- Ooh! Van, I got a great idea
for us to make some money.

If you're thinkin' about sellin' pot like
that chick on Showtime, the answer is no.

No. I'm thinkin' about buyin' and
sellin' some of the real estate we list.

You mean that thing Davy
two-names does? The, uh, flippin' thing?

Yes! Yes! It's me and
you, Van. Rakin' in the cash!

And you'd let me do
that with you? Yes.

Pass.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Pass? I offer you what could be the
chance of a lifetime and you say, "Pass"?

Wait a minute. This could
be the chance of a lifetime?

- Yes.
- Oh. Pass.

Wait a minute. All right. You're
actually startin' to annoy me.

Why pass? Mrs. H, the housing
market is falsely inflated right now.

Full of untrained speculators, and the
bubble is gonna burst at any second.

To quote Federal Reserve Chairman Alan
Greenspan, "The froth is on the market."

Do you understand
anything you just said?

I understand when an old geezer
in a suit talks about money, I listen.

Van. Van, listen.

Honey, you're my son-in-law.

And I hate to get rich
and you just stay poor.

But we're gonna get all your money
when you die anyway. So, six of one...

Okay. What's goin' on with you?

You've always loved risky stuff.

I mean, you were the one that's always
goin' around puttin' forks into toasters.

Yes, but when I put a fork
in a toaster, I get a payoff...

An English muffin. Or
that one time, my watch.

But the thing that you're talkin'
about doesn't have a payoff.

How can you say that?

Do you have any idea how much money David
Dingbat is makin' flippin' these houses?

Yeah, but David Dingbat has
something that you don't have.

- Oh, yeah? What's that?
- Stones.

- Stones?
- Stones. Cojones. Brass ones.

He doesn't just talk about
doin' things. He does 'em.

I'm gonna do that too.

Oh, Mrs. H, no, you're not. With all
due respect, you say this every time.

You see somebody else takin'
a risk that works out for them...

and you're, like, "Hey,
I wanna do that too."

But at the end of the day,
you just can't pull the trigger.

Well, pardon my French.
But that's buffalo droppings.

You think I don't have stones?

Watch this.

Those aren't stones.
These are stones.

Mmm. Coffee ground
with a hint of eggshell.

You're wrong about me, Van.

And to prove it, I guarantee you that I
will buy a house to flip within the week.

- You're serious? One week.
- One week. I promise.

All right, deal. One week or
seven days, whichever comes first.

No problem. I'll get us a
house before you can say,

"I wished I hadn't eaten
that garbage banana."

[Chuckles]

[Barbra Jean] All I'm saying is, we
wouldn't have missed the opera...

if you had stopped
and asked for directions.

I know. I get it. Let it go.

I mean, we didn't even have to pull
over. We've got this stupid "Econostar."

All we have to do is push a button,
and a person comes on to help you.

Watch how easy.
Whoa! Be careful!

Every time you push
that thing, it costs, like,

two bucks, plus
tax. It's a total rip-off.

Yeah? Well, the tickets to the opera cost
65 bucks each, and we missed the show.

Sixty-fi... You told me you won
those tickets on a radio show.

Oh, get real, Brock. What radio
station gives away opera tickets?

K-LAME?

I bought them because
the opera is far away,

and I thought we
could talk in the car.

Well, I can't talk
when I'm lost, woman.

Well, when can you talk? You never
want to talk when you come home from work.

Yeah, because I'm a
dentist. I talk all day long.

My patients have
mouths full of equipment.

All they can do is blink
and go... [Gagging]

Yeah? Well, I'm home all day with
our three-year-old, and... [Gagging]

passes as good conversation!

I'm just tryin' to tell you I
need some adult entertainment.

[Sighs]

You... You wanna
rent a dirty movie?

No. That is not the
answer to everything!

I was talkin' about the opera.

Oh, face it, Barbra Jean. No straight
man in America wants to go to the opera.

Oh, right. You're Mr. Macho.

Are you wearing your
leopard thong tonight? Hey.

I got that as
something fun for us.

Yeah, well it's not fun.

It's gay.

That's it. I don't have
to take this anymore.

Hey, everybody! Brock
Hart wears a leopard thong!

Now it's not special.

[Door Slams] [Male Voice]
You're right, you know.

Is that God?

Do you want me
to build something?

No. You pushed the call button.
I've been listening the whole time.

[Sighs] My name's Hal.

Well, hi, Hal. I'm Barbra Jean.

You sound cute.

Really? Totally.

Oh. I'll talk to you.
I'm not a dentist.

Oh. So tell me about yourself.

Um, well,

I was born in a tiny town
called Friendly, Texas.

My daddy always said, "That's
probably why you're so friendly."

Course, then my sister
Lori Ann would say, "Then

she should've been
born in Annoying, Texas!"

Then I just told her, "Well, I guess that
means you were born in Butt Ugly, Texas!"

[Laughs] I didn't really say
that. I just thought of that now.

[Chuckles] You're funny.

Oh, I think so!

[Man On TV] slightly warmer
temperatures. Hey, honey.

Hey, Mom. Did you
find a house today?

No. Why are you asking me that?

Because this morning, you said,

[Imitating Accent] "Today's
the day I'm gonna find a house."

Well, I lied. Just like I've
lied for the last seven days.

Your mama's nothin' but
a big ol' red-headed liar.

Well, howdy, partner.

Your week is up.
What do you got for me?

Okay. First of all, I want you to
know that I put a lot of effort into this.

I looked at 50 houses,
ran comps on all of 'em.

Talked to the neighbors.
Saw their dogs and their cats.

You got nothin' right? Zilch!

You're tellin' me, out of 50 houses,
you couldn't make money on any of 'em?

- Nah. Not many.
- How many?

Mmm, I don't know. Thirty?

I'm sorry, Van. You're
right. I got no stones.

- Stones?
- Stones. Kahunas. Brass things.

I don't know what's
wrong with me.

Why do I always look at
the glass as half-empty?

Well, I don't know
if it's too late to call

the caterer and cancel
your pity party, Mrs. H.

But your stoneless
condition has not stopped us.

What are you talkin'
about? I bought a house!

You bought a house without me?

Well, gee. Why is that?

I had to move fast. There
were 15 other offers on it...

and I was the only one
willing to take it as is.

[Gasps] You bought
a house as is?

No! We bought a house as is!

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go dig
through the garbage for something to eat.

Brass ones.

Ooh.

Looks good!

[Groans]

Well, this little
experiment is over.

Van, how could you use our money and
buy a house that hasn't been inspected?

Because the monkey doesn't get the
cheese unless he swings from the tree.

What's that supposed to mean?
It means you snooze, you lose.

No risk, no reward. You take
a chance, you get to dance.

I got a bunch of these.

Van.

Nobody buys a house
without it being inspected.

There's so many things
that could go wrong.

I mean, did you look at the plumbing?
Look for termites? Inspect the foundation?

It's a little hard to check the foundation,
Mrs. H. There's a house on top of it.

Look. Tomorrow
we'll go check it out.

We'll have it inspected.
Maybe it'll be in great shape.

And what if it's not? Well, that's
unfortunate. 'Cause we own it.

[Hal] How's everything with you?

Did you ever find your garlic
press? It was in with the spatulas.

Told you. [Chuckling] I
know! You did! You did!

It's like you know me. Hey.

Gosh. Oh...

Why are you sittin' out in
the car again, Barbra Jean?

Me? Yeah.

I was, uh... I was
listenin' to the traffic report.

Oh, how come? You goin'
somewhere? No. Yeah.

Well, I was planning to,
but the traffic is terrible.

There was this horrible
accident on Fair Oaks Avenue.

Oh, that's awful. Yeah.

Why were you laughing?

Because... it was
a funny accident.

[Laughs] [Chuckles] I see.

Yeah, well, if the comedy show's
over, why don't you come inside?

I... I made us dinner. What?

You made me dinner?

Well, it's nothing fancy. It's just
a spaghetti and meatballs for us,

a little Noodle Roni for Henry.

I thought maybe we could hang out
and talk. You know, like you wanted.

Barbra Jean, honey?
Honey, what's the matter?

Nothing. I was just...

I was just thinking about all those
poor people in that hilarious accident.

Hal?

Well, finally. What
happened before? Shh.

Don't speak, Hal. Just listen.

[Sighs] I don't feel
right about this.

I mean, I know we've only talked a
few times by satellite, but I'm married.

And I feel like I should be
sharing with my husband.

This isn't right. I'm
gonna have to call it off.

Call it off? You're going
to throw everything away?

Everything we shared? The
shortcut to the dry cleaner's?

The time you locked
yourself in the trunk?

Yes, those were good times.

But I want my good times to be
with Brock. He doesn't deserve this.

He's a good husband and
a good father to my child.

And when I'm with him, I
never need directions to love.

He has the road map to my heart.

[Sobbing] Oh, my
Lord. Are you crying?

Don't cry, Hal. I'm not crying.

Oh, Barbra Jean.

What are you doin'
in the back seat?

Are you okay? Do I need to call
the police? I'm fine, Hal. It's Brock.

Were you spying on me? Well,
I knew somethin' was goin' on.

You spent less time in my car when
we were sneakin' around on Reba.

Nothing happened.

I know it didn't... yet.

Barbra Jean, I love you.

And if it takes a man
from outer space...

to make me realize that
I haven't been paying

enough attention
to you, then so be it.

Oh.

Honey, let's go inside.

I'll be right there.

Okay. Listen up, Hal. You keep
your ears off my wife, or else.

[Hal] Or else what?

[Chuckles] Very funny.

Open the car door, Hal.

I can't do that, Dave.

It's Brock! Open the door!

So, tell me, Dave. Do you
get along with your neighbors?

[Horn Blaring]

Why is this inspection
taking so long?

The guy probably got
attacked by toxic mold

that he found under
the cracked foundation...

that covers the portal to hell!

Way to be positive, Ma.

Really. And even if he
did find a portal to hell...

you have to admit,
that'd be pretty cool.

I don't know what it
is, but I can't shake the

feeling that this could
be a huge disaster!

- You say that about everything.
- Remember when I got pregnant
at 17? You totally freaked.

Guys! This is very serious.

We could be on the verge of takin'
a huge financial loss on this house!

Or we could be on the verge
of makin' a bunch of money.

- Why are you only lookin'
at what could go wrong?
- This could be our lucky day.

[Scoffs] Yeah, right.

[Sighs] There you go again.

Mrs. H, why is it
such an impossibility?

Because luck doesn't
happen to everybody.

It just happens to
the... lucky people.

- Well, maybe
you're a lucky person.
- Yeah, obviously.

Yes, it is obvious.
It's obvious to us...

that you're the luckiest
person in the world.

You're like a four-leaf clover with
red hair. How can you say that?

Because every time
something bad has happened

to me... my parents
kicking me out of the house,

me getting injured in Denver,
my wife hitting the sauce...

When I get around
you, things get better.

Hittin' the sauce?

You know what I mean.

Mrs. H, I hate that you feel like...
like you're jinxed or something.

Technically, what I was
doing was self-medicating, Van.

Well, honey, either
way, it's glug, glug, glug.

Mrs. H, I wanna be in business
with you because you are lucky.

You're blessed. Not
to get too flowery,

but sunshine comes
out of your butt.

I can't help it if I
don't feel lucky.

Exactly! Just like how someone
with a drinking problem can't help...

Cheyenne, would you be a
little lamb and go out to the car...

and get my briefcase?

Thank you, sweetie.

Till death do us part, huh?

All right. You wanna know
how to feel lucky? Yeah.

Here it is.

You just feel lucky.

That's it? That's it.

I don't know if I
can do that, Van.

But if you don't think you can do
that, or if you don't want to do that,

then you can get out of this deal
before we hear the inspector's report.

- Okay. All done.
- Wait, don't say anything yet.

Mrs. H, if you're
out, you're out.

But if you're in, you have to
believe in yourself. Can you do that?

Can you believe that you're lucky?
Come on! Give me a little "buttshine"!

[Laughs] Okay, I'm in!

All right, yes! So,
what's the verdict?

- The house is a dump.
- Van!

I'm just kidding!

Nobody ever likes that joke.

The house is great.
You're good to go.

Thank you. Did you hear that?
The house is great! We're good to go!

How about those brass
things, huh? [Chuckles]

Pretty smart to have
this done twice, Van.

Twice? What do you mean, twice?

I inspected the house last
week before Van bought it.

It's very smart. You don't
wanna leave it up to luck, right?

[Chuckles] No.

You already had
the house inspected?

Oh, yeah. Mrs.
H, I'm not an idiot.

Well, what about that whole lucky
thing? This doesn't prove that I'm lucky.

Sure it does. You didn't
know the house was

fine when you stayed
in. That makes you lucky.

You mean you set this
whole thing up just to...

force me to believe in myself?

Yes. Because I believe in you.

[Chuckles] You are
one sweet kid, Van.

Ah. Like a big cube
of sugar. [Chuckles]

So I guess you kinda
played me, didn't you?

Oh. [Chuckles] Like a fiddle.

- Well, let me
ask you somethin', Van.
- Huh?

You feel lucky right now?

Well, maybe not so much.

Oh!

[Woman's Voice]
Econostar. Can I help you?

Hello? Who is this?

I'm Chrissie. Oh, Chrissie.

Thank God. I've been locked in my
car for hours. Can you get me out?

Sure. Just one question.

Are you the guy that
gave Hal a hard time?

No.

Liar! [Horn Blaring]

[No Audible Dialogue]

Acme! [Coughing]