Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 21 - Two Weddings and a Funeral - full transcript

I don't understand.

Does this mean Cheyenne's
first wedding was fake?

Oh, no, honey. It's just that when two
people have been married for a while,

they wanna have another
ceremony to celebrate.

So it's kinda like when you eat
something that tastes really good,

and then you burp and
think, "Man, that tasted good."

- Hey.
- Hey, honey.

Oh, Mom. Are those little rice
bags for our ceremony? Yeah.

They're beautiful. Oh, I hope they're
okay. But I'm gonna need 'em back.

I'm gonna make rice
pudding for the reception.

You know what, Mom? You
don't have to go to all this trouble.



I'm fine keepin' things
on the simple side.

But, honey, I'm just so excited.

I finally get to throw you a wedding
where it's not on the same day as prom.

Well, I really appreciate it.

And thanks for lettin' Barbra
Jean help out too. Okay, gotta run.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa. Barbra Jean?

All right, Mom. Look, Van and I decided
that with your high blood pressure...

and crammin' everything
into two weeks...

that, you know, it might be nice if
Barbra Jean helped you out a little bit.

So you've asked Barbra Jean
to help make my life easier?

Where have you been
for the last five years?

Great. Mom, she's my stepmom,
and she really wants to be involved.

No, Cheyenne.
And look, it is really,

really important to me that
everyone gets along this time.



Yeah... Okay?

Okay. Don't give it another
thought. Thank you. Mmm.

Just don't let Barbra Jean get
too wacky. And good luck with that.

Okay.

Reba, I ordered a horse and a
carriage, but can the horse stay over here?

You know, you got all those weeds in
your backyard, and Thunder will love that.

You hired a horse and carriage?
What happened to the white limo?

That's a little pimp daddy,
Huggy Bear, 1985, you know?

♪♪ [Imitating Funky
Wah-wah Guitar] No. Ack.

I'm so glad you're wanting to help, but I
know you're busy just bein' Barbra Jean.

Look, I am perfectly capable of
taking care of this ceremony on my own.

Yeah, well, your
daughter doesn't think so.

And, Reba, like it or not,
I am way more qualified.

Who here has been married the
most recently? Let me think. Me.

I know, because I provided
you with a husband.

Well, maybe it's time you stopped beatin'
a dead horse and get on with your life.

Oh, I'll show you a dead
horse! Oh, bring it on, sister!

Ladies. Everything
okay down here?

Yeah. Just talkin'
about horses. Great.

Well, actually, one end of
it anyway. Oh. [Chuckles]

Well, I'm off to
my 12-step group.

Ooh, which reminds me... at the
reception, no booze and no open mike.

Oh, you got it. We'll just
be here gettin' along, honey.

Bye-bye, Cheyenne.
Yeah. [Laughing, Stops]

Okay, look.

We wrecked Cheyenne's last
wedding because of our bickering,

but that's not
gonna happen again.

- So we work together?
- Yes.

- Horse in the backyard?
- Yes.

Matching outfits?

Get out. Okay.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Look, all I'm sayin'
is, this is our wedding.

The only people who should be invited are
people who are meaningful in our lives...

and Bill Gates.

He probably won't come,
but he might send a check.

Fine. If we're just
gonna invite close family

and friends, I guess
I'm okay with that.

Okay, you lovebirds.

I've wrangled the caterer,
hired the musicians...

and ordered programs and
confirmed the minister. [Chuckles]

Dang, I'm good.

Wow, Mrs. H, that sounds fancy.

Well, "fancy" is my name.

Oh, my God! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God! Oh, my God!

Reba, wedding
crisis. Talk her down.

Shouldn't we wait to see
if she's gonna jump first?

They've run out of pink roses.

Some idiot ordered all the pink
roses in town three days ago.

Our theme is ruined!

Relax, Barbra Jean.
That idiot was me.

Oh. Okay.

Whoo. [Chuckles]

How're y'all doin'?

Ma, that sounds
like a lot of flowers for

that small little room
at the senior center.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Who's payin' for all these flowers?

- We are.
- Well, a wedding is nothing
without flowers.

And we may need
that many flowers,

because you're not gettin'
married at the senior center.

I got us the church.
The church? Really?

Oh, Cheyenne, you
are one lucky girl,

because your
mother is a saint...

A saint with the cunning
of a Bolivian street urchin.

Come on, Brock. Now that we got the
big church, our options are wide open.

I'm thinkin' light show. Oh, yeah,
yeah, well... [Stammers, Pauses]

Ah, they're payin' for
the light show, right?

You know, let the moth out
of your wallet, okay? Hey.

So what do you think about all
this? I don't know. I'm worried.

Barbra Jean's got
that look in her eye...

You know, the same look that got
us fireworks at Grandma's funeral.

This will not be a
circus. I promise.

No elephants and no
cotton candy, okay? Okay.

All righty You
got it. Thank you.

It'll be fun.

That's great, Mrs. H. Keep
the cotton candy a surprise.

What are you talkin' about?

Trust me. I know my wife,
and she loves the circus.

If this is not the biggest,
flashiest wedding

of the year, she's
gonna be disappointed.

I'm not sure that's
true. Trust me. It's true.

- Trust me. It's not.
- Trust me. You're wrong.

Van! [Sighs]

Would you please just let me plan the
wedding, and you stick to lookin' pretty?

I promise, both of you
will be happy with it.

Well, hello, hello, hello.

Mrs. H thinks I'm pretty.

[Church Bells Ringing]

What the... Hey.

So? What do you think?

I think somewhere
Jesus is weeping.

I just decorated this church
this morning. What happened?

Your version had a certain "Been
there, done that, seen it, boring" quality.

This is supposed to
look like a church, not...

your bedroom.

And are those live birds? Yes.

Nothing says "celebration"
like 10 live... [Cooing]

[Wings Flapping] Make
that nine live doves.

Just a sec. Frederico?

Yeah, we've got a dove down.

Also, I've got a heart-shaped balloon
deflating near the popcorn machine.

Well, what do you mean,
you are out of helium?

Why is your voice so high?

Who's Frederico? Oh,
he's the wedding planner.

Well, he's not actually
a wedding planner yet,

but he's the best darn eyebrow
waxer at Hair Apparent. [Giggles]

Oh, you're welcome,
sweetie. Gotta run, Red.

But, Barbra Jean...

Whoa! Check out this place!

And a giant picture of me?

You know what? You're
right, Mrs. H. I am pretty.

Van, everything was supposed to go
through me. Did you know about this?

Barbra Jean called me
and said you decorated

the place in a
subtle shade of dull,

so I said, "Work it, girl."

I promised Cheyenne
everything would be dignified.

Oh, save the dignified
for our funerals.

A wedding's supposed to be fun.
You gotta have fun. And hey, Mrs. H,

I invited some single
men of a certain age.

I'm sure there's fire left in the
old gal, huh? [Clicking Tongue]

Gotta mingle. Love ya.

[Door Opens]

Okay, honey, look...

- You look beautiful.
- [Giggles]

Oh, my goodness.

One day you're runnin'
alongside their bike,

teaching 'em how
to ride a two-wheeler,

and the next day, they're
gettin' married... again.

I was just gonna say it doesn't
even feel like that much of a wedding.

- I mean, nobody's yellin'.
- [Both Chuckle]

Look, honey, your father and I
just wanted to take this moment...

to tell you how
proud we are of you.

Your mother's right. You know, everything
you've done, everything you've become...

Well, we just couldn't
ask for a better daughter.

You guys, I love you so much.

[Brock] Oh, love you
too. We love you too.

And, honey, before, uh...
Before you go out there,

um, well, your ceremony
might be a little more...

flamboyant than what you
thought it might be. [Laughs]

Oh, Mom, it's okay.

Now that we're
here, it's... it's just

important to me that I
share this moment with...

my closest friends
and family. Mmm.

Oh, honey. [Giggles] [Knocking]

Knock, knock. Three-minute
warning, people.

Also, there's been a
robbery at a liquor store.

I'm gettin' a lot
of interference.

Honey, I'll be back in a few
minutes to walk you down the aisle.

Remember, don't be nervous.

It's just like ridin' a
bike. Okay. [Giggles]

[Chuckles] [Sighs]

Wait a minute. Who are
all those people out there?

Those are your guests,
Cheyenne. [Chuckles]

Somebody's a little nervous.

I don't recognize them. Mom, do
you know who they are? [Door Closes]

A lot of them are Van's clients.

What? Yeah. I got the
business cards to prove it.

It's like a real estate
seminar out there.

I cannot believe he'd do this.

I mean, we agreed that it would just be
people that meant something to both of us.

After all that we talked about, he...
he packs the church with his clients?

Well, honey, it could be
worse. It could be... all family.

- No. - [Reba] Where you goin'?

To talk to my husband. Yeah,
but the ceremony's about to start.

Way to go, yappity-yap.

Now get out there and keep
things movin', and I'll deal with this.

Okay. Frederico? Yeah...

Ma'am, I don't care if you ordered
pickles on your burger. Just eat it!

So he says to me, "Can I
get an interest-free loan?"

Well, that's when
I lost my interest.

[Laughing] Van.

Hey, I'm not supposed
to see you. It's bad luck.

How could you do this? How could
you fill the church full of your clients?

I think when you see the quality of
their gifts, you might change your tune.

So you just blow off all
my friends from the group?

Hey, it'll give you
somethin' to share at your

next meeting. Van,
this is not a joke to me.

Okay, you two,
let's just calm down.

There's a church full
of people waiting to see

you celebrate your love
for one another, okay?

You did not listen
to a word that I said.

What are you talking about?
This whole thing is for you.

For me? Hah! I don't
get why you're so mad.

That's just it, Van.
You... just don't get it.

♪♪ [Organ: Traditional]
Okay, and there's the music.

Now to sum it all up, Van's
sorry, Cheyenne's sorry,

and we can finish this
conversation at another time.

[Sighs] Van, would you
escort me to my seat, please?

Sure. Excuse me for tryin' to
give you the perfect wedding.

Let's go.

♪♪ [Organ Continues]

Your daughter is nuts.
[Through Teeth] Van.

Well, she is. This whole thing is for her,
and she's actin' like I'm some huge jerk.

And speakin' of huge, I got a
place by the lake to show you.

Now back to your nutty daughter.

Oh, please stop talkin'
so I can just look happy.

Why's she jumpin' all over
me? I don't understand it.

And hey, you, I got your crazy
e-mail, and the answer is "yes."

Mrs. H, are you
okay? Oh, I just...

All of y'alls arguin' is just
making me a little faint.

Let me just set down and
enjoy the ceremony. Hi.

Lights and music, we're a go.

[Man] Come on
y'all! Here we go now!

♪♪ [Synthesizer: Electronic
Dance, "Here Comes The Bride"]

♪♪ [Continues] [Stadium
Announcer] Ladies and gentlemen,

here comes your bride,

Cheye-e-enne Montgomery!

♪♪ [Continues]

And... cue bride.

And... cue bride.

Frederico, cue
the freakin' bride!

Wait. Kill the
music. Cut the lights.

Brock, you forgot
the bride. She's gone.

What do you mean she's gone?
She's gone. The bride's room is empty.

D'oh! Just for once, I wish she would
get married without makin' such a fuss.

- ♪♪ [Dance Resumes]
- Go. Go.

Gone? How could she be gone? You tell
me. You were the one fightin' with her.

You were fighting with
her? I swear to God, boy,

- if these hands weren't
my bread and butter, I'd...
- Brock!

I can't believe
Cheyenne would do this.

You know, this is just
horrible. Everything is wrecked.

Kill the doves.

Not literally, Frederico.

Just no doves. God!

Okay, nothing is wrecked. I'm gonna
go find Cheyenne and talk her down.

Barbra Jean, I need you to
get in there and stall. Stall?

How am I supposed to stall? I
don't know. Sing a song. Dance a ji...

Suddenly you can't find a way
to draw attention to yourself?

Hey, wait a minute. I've got an
idea. Why don't we renew our vows?

- [Barbra Jean] What?
- Yeah. Our anniversary
is coming up.

We could renew our vows and
buy Van and Cheyenne some time.

So what do you say, Barbra
Jean? Will you marry me again?

Oh, my gosh, honey, that is the
most romantic thing I have ever heard.

And this time, it
will be even better,

because I can celebrate
with my best friend.

I mean, I don't think Reba was
totally happy for me the first time. Oh!

Five years later, and
it still makes me sick.

Okay, fine. Renew your vows,
play the banjo. I don't care.

Just keep 'em
busy until I get back.

I am so happy I could scream.

Aw, I hope you don't mind, Van. I
just sorta got swept up in the moment.

No, it'll be nice to have
someone to split the cost with.

No? No. No. Barbra Jean!

Attention, everyone.

There will be a brief
addition to the program.

My husband and I
are renewing our vows.

[Screams]

[No Audible Dialogue]

Sorry, Frederico.

[Screams]

Sorry, sorry. It's just that...

Cheyenne?

- Anybody in here?
- No.

This is all wrong, Mom. This
was supposed to be wonderful.

Honey, it still can be...

in a "Harlequin romance novel,

French bordello" kinda way.

I can't go out there, Mom. I'm
so mad, I can barely even speak.

Van should have known
better. Oh, I know honey,

and you guys can discuss
this after the ceremony.

Now let's get out there and
have some fun. Come on.

Cheyenne, how could you do
this? How could you ruin everything?

Are you kidding? This wasn't about me. This
was about your clients and showing off.

So what if I'm showin'
off? I'm proud of you.

I'm proud of the things
I've accomplished.

I thought you'd be proud too. The
things that you've accomplished?

Okay, let's keep
this in perspective.

Now we gotta remember,
the reason we're here...

is for you guys to celebrate
your love for one another.

Yeah.

Van, you were only supposed to invite
people that were meaningful to both of us.

My clients are meaningful.
They mean money.

Okay, you know what, Van? The people
in my support group mean something to me.

I wanted them here too. And-And-And
also, because when you're in love,

you always forgive
the other one.

Do you know why I didn't invite your
friends? Because they depress me.

All those people with all
their problems depress me!

Van, I'm one of those
people. And it's important

to remember, weddings
are very stressful.

So let's just take a step
back and take a deep breath.

The Cheyenne I married
would've loved this wedding.

Well, maybe I'm not
that person anymore.

No kidding. I mean,
what happened to us?

We used to have so much fun. It's
like I don't even know you anymore.

I don't know, Van. I mean, maybe
we're not meant to be together after all.

What? [Stammers]

Van, go after her.

Go after her.

Maybe she's right. Maybe we shouldn't
get married. But you're already married!

Oh, how could this
day get any worse?

Reba, come quick. I want
you to be my bridesmaid.

Van, help. Van, help!

♪♪ [Organ, Traditional]

Oh, Reba, this is so beautiful...
Just like out of a dream.

You know, Frederico
accidentally let three doves escape.

I caught two of them.

The other one hit a window.

Barbra Jean, let me go. But
you need to give me away.

I would love to, if I
could find any takers.

Let's stop touching now.
You're kinda clammy.

Hey, what's goin' on with Van and
Cheyenne? Okay, the kids' wedding is off.

Sorry.

They had another fight. And
they were in the bathroom,

which is a bad place to have it, because
the echo makes it sound far worse.

- Gosh, are they gonna be okay?
- I don't know. I guess
I better say somethin'.

Frederico, Reba's gonna speak.

Give me a drumroll
and a pin spot.

God, you are useless!

♪♪ [Organ Stops]

[Chuckles] Hello.

Uh, thanks for comin'. Uh...

- Traffic was nuts, huh?
[Chuckles] - [Laughs Loudly]

Anyway, the...
The ki... the kids...

had a little, um,
misunderstanding.

I'm sure they'll be okay, but...

Oh.

Reba. Yeah, I'm... I'm okay.

Okay. Um, so if...

So if y'all will just
kinda hang in there,

I'm su... I'm sure it'll be...

I'm gonna sit down just
for a second, okay? Reba.

[Reba] Oh. Reba, are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine.

Who let the doves out?

Acme! [Coughing]