Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 20 - Red Alert - full transcript

- [Door Opens]
- Hey, Mom. Hide.

Barbra Jean's on her way over
here. I'm not hiding in my own house.

She just got a job
selling insurance.

Hide! Lock the door! Dig a hole!

[Rhythmic Knocking] "Yello"!

Okay, your car's here.
I know you're home.

Huh.

[Sighs]

Reba's car. Reba's garage.
Reba's house. Here we go.

Yoo-hoo.

Barbra Jean, you can't just
let yourself in anytime you want.



I think I can.

- So why were you guys hiding?
- 'Cause we knew it was you,
and I'm tired of runnin'.

Running is good for your health,
but it is very bad on your knees.

It's all right here in my brochure...
Insurance and Your Aging Body.

Look at that, we're talking
insurance already. Barbra Jean...

Ah, ah, ah. Call me Agent Hart.

I "insure" you won't be sorry.

Barbra Jean,
you're here, I'm here.

I can "insure" you I'm
already sorry. Mmm.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪



♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Okay, now in this scenario,
you've fallen down a well,

gotten hypothermia,
broken six bones,

and now you gotta
chew your arm off.

Where you goin'? To
find that well to jump into.

Well, then you better sign this first,
because your old policy doesn't cover that.

Wait a minute. How do you
know so much about my policy?

I read your file. I work for
your insurance company.

My insurance company
hired you? Yeah.

Now I've got access to all kinds
of embarrassing information on ya.

That is awesome. Yeah. It is.

No, it's not. There's no tellin'
what all she'll be blabbin'.

That's why it's awesome.

I didn't even know you
were lookin' for a job.

Oh, yeah. I mean,
ever since Brock and I

are havin' all this
trouble with the I.R.S.,

I'm also sellin' time-shares
and intestinal cleansers.

But that's another day.

I'm lookin' forward
to it. Oh, good.

Well, back to today's business.

Now, Reba, you really, really
need to update your policy.

I mean, when you got the insurance, it
was fine to have such a high deductible.

You were young. So young.

♪ But that was a long time ago ♪

I was young when
you started talkin'.

But, Reba, this
is a better policy.

And you could save some money.
You know, almost $300 a year.

Mom, $300 a year is
a nice pair of shoes.

Or 10 pairs of the kind you buy.

That's true.

I don't care. I'd pay $400 just to get this
last hour back. Good-bye, Barbra Jean.

But, Reba, you have to
take it. My job depends on it.

- Why?
- Well, I-I had this
probationary period,

and I have to make a sale before
it's over, or I'm gonna lose my job.

- Please, Reba? I'm begging you.
- Oh, come on, Mom. Help her out.

Help her out?
That's all I ever do.

It's like havin' a giant,
blonde, six-year-old.

Come on, Mom. You
know you're gonna do it.

You can't help yourself.
You were just born good.

Crap!

[Knocking] [Man
On TV, Indistinct]

Hey. Hey, Mister H.

[Man On TV] I understand your
husband is stationed in Tikrit.

[Woman On TV] Yes, that's correct.
He's been there for six months.

Why are you watching
that women's channel?

I-I only stopped on this channel because
it was an ad for bras. What's up, man?

I'm just trying to think of an
anniversary gift for Cheyenne.

Ahh. What is this?

Oh, I hadn't been really watching,
but I think it's some kind of special...

about married couples
renewing their vows.

Yeah, this one
guy, he's in Iraq,

and his wife is in
Ohio with a newborn,

born on the day he was
deployed. [Voice Catches]

Eh, it's dumb.

Pull it together, nancy boy.

I need your brain. What are you
getting Barbra Jean for your fifth?

Well, since we don't have any money,
we decided not to give each other anything.

No, we're just gonna
spend the evening

together reminiscing.
Should be very romantic.

I'm hoping she
goes to bed early.

It's your anniversary. They
train for weeks for that night.

I just feel like every time I turn around,
I gotta do something to prove my love.

Yeah, showing you care
can be a real pain in the butt.

Yeah, I don't know why women
make such a big deal out of this stuff.

It's like they got a love virus.

Yeah, the coach used to warn us
about those when we were on the road.

[Man On TV] Gwen, are you
excited? [Gwen On TV] Uh-huh.

Whoa. Hang on, buddy. They're
about to tie the knot, again.

Oh, man. Yeah.

Guys in the army have it made. Helmets.
Boots. They're just naturally romantic.

Ah. Listen, I think renewing your vows
would be romantic, even without the boots.

Are you thinking what I'm
thinking? I should enlist!

No? No! No! You and Cheyenne
should renew your vows.

That's perfect.
She'll love that.

It'll-It'll show how
enlightened I've become. Yeah.

How sensitive...
Bras. Ooh. Yeah.

Oh, boy. Good workout, Mom?

No, I hadn't started
workin' out yet.

I threw somethin' out when
I was puttin' on my tank top.

You know, Mom, I think it's great that
you're gettin' healthy and everything,

but your insurance physical
is in less than two hours.

And your body
just is what it is.

- Thanks, Cheyenne.
- Mm-hmm.

♪♪ [TV: Dance]

Who's that? Jane Fonda.

Oh, is that that old lady in
the Jennifer Lopez movie?

♪♪ [Turns Off]

Forget it.

I can't do it anyway
without my leg warmers.

Oh, hey, Mrs. H.
It's good to see you.

[Beeping] Am I goin' somewhere?

Of course not. Not unless
you want to. There you go.

- Whatcha doin'?
- Shh!

[Cell Phone Ringing]

Text message.
"Well ya market my?"

- Did you send that?
- Yes.

What does it mean?

What does it mean? What, do I
have to spell it out for you, Cheyenne?

Yes, please.

Will you marry me?

Yes. And I'll have your
baby too. Oh, wait...

I'm asking you to marry me
again for our fifth anniversary.

So you're proposing
to me by text message?

Yeah. Pretty futuristic, huh?

Yeah, if the future's lame.

I mean, look, Van, I think
if you propose to someone,

you should do it a little
bit more romantically.

Well, all right.

Okay, that's not what I meant.

- Well, what do you want, woman?
- Well, I just... I don't know.

I-I just want it to be
different. Something unique.

- I wanna be surprised.
- [Scoffs]

Proposing was a lot easier when
all I had to do was get you pregnant.

♪♪ [TV: Dance]

♪♪ [Continues]

♪♪ [Ends]

Knock, knock. Is there a doctor
in the house? There is now.

Reba, this is Dr. Castleman,
and he'll be examining you.

And, no, he won't be
buyin' you dinner first.

I'm sorry, Doc. I'm
putting her at ease.

Really? Because I'm
getting a headache. Oh.

Put it there. Thanks.

You have to learn
to block her out.

I use ear plugs
and liquor. [Laughs]

Is there, uh, someplace I can wash
up? Yeah. Kitchen's right in there.

Thank you. Liquor's
in the cabinet.

- Psst. Psst. Come here.
- What?

Okay. Now you're gonna
have to give a urine sample.

So I got little Henry
to give me a specimen.

Pure as the driven snow.

And believe me, it was not easy.

I mean, the kid can
hit the bathroom ceiling,

but try gettin' him to
aim in a cup, you know?

Are you insane?

No, just take it. It'll keep your
rates low. Get that away from me.

No, just take it! Just
take it! You take it.

Okay, Mrs. Hart, if you'll
just, uh, take a seat here.

Okay, sure. We'll, uh, slip
this around you here, and...

There we go. We'll
get your blood pressure.

Well, you know what, Doc? I'm sure that
Reba's blood pressure is just terrific.

I mean, the two things everyone
who knows Reba talks about...

She's got good blood pressure
and urine as pure as the driven snow.

Mrs. Hart, uh, according to this
reading, you have high blood pressure.

Extremely high.
Like way high. Way.

[Gum Snaps] I-I-I don't
see how that can be right.

Well, are-are you
upset about something?

Is there something that's
really bothering you?

Something that's making
you incredibly tense?

I don't think so.

Okay. [Snapping]

Barbra Jean, for the hundredth time,
would you please quit snapping your gum.

Sorry.

It's her!

Me? Yes, you.

You're the reason I
have high blood pressure.

You're like a pack a day, woman.

Reba, that is just silly.

You cannot get high blood pressure
from just sitting near someone.

Well, actually, yes, you can.
There's quite a few studies to prove it.

They've also proven that certain
people can give other people headaches.

So you're saying
that I'm killing Reba?

Well, no. I'm fairly certain
it's a temporary condition.

Sometimes blood pressure
can be returned to normal...

by simply removing the
irritant or irritating person.

[Chuckles] So are
you saying I can't be

around Barbra Jean
because of doctor's orders?

Well, I'm saying the
only way to find out...

is to avoid contact with her for a couple
of days, and then we'll check again.

So I need to stay away from my very
best friend in the whole wide world?

[Laughing]

[Barbra Jean] And when she got up
this morning, was her hair up or down?

Because if it was up, that
means she didn't take a shower,

which could be a
sign of depression,

which she's apt to slip
into without me around.

Oh.

Look, don't worry about Mom.

I'm sure that this is as
hard for her as it is for you.

I know it is. Yeah.

That's why I knitted her a scarf
and then I rubbed it on myself.

Give it to her to smell, okay?

Okeydokey. I'll put this
with the rest of 'em. Okay.

Look, Barbra Jean, don't worry about
Mom. She's gonna be okay. She's a trouper.

I hope so. I just know she's
so sad. You know, I can feel it.

♪ This is the best day, hey
She has gone away, hey ♪

♪ All I did was pray, hey
Nothing left to say, hey ♪

♪ Whoo ba do ba do, do ♪

Hey, Reba, are you feeling
better? 'Cause you sure look okay.

Mom, can you try
and not act so thrilled?

I mean, this is really
hard on Barbra Jean.

I know. But it's so easy on me.

[Laughs]

♪ She cannot come in,
hey All I do is grin, hey ♪

♪ She cannot come in,
hey All I do is finally win ♪

♪ Hey ♪♪
[Laughs]

[Laughing Continues]

Hey, Cheyenne. I
need to talk to you.

It's important. That's why
I didn't text message it.

Look, this is not gonna be easy for
me, so I'm just gonna come right out and...

Okay, Van, if this is the start
of another proposal... Stop.

Listen. This isn't easy for me.

Remember when I took that
business trip to Dallas last month?

Yeah. I met a woman.
A wonderful woman.

Maybe the hottest
woman in North America.

Wait, what? Let me finish.

And I-I didn't wanna tell you because
I thought it was a brief flirtation,

but it turned into more.

I love her Cheyenne. And I
think we're gonna get married.

Psych! [Laughs]

You said you wanted to be
surprised. How's that for a surprise?

Now will you marry me?

You better run. Is
that a... Is that a yes?

You better run! Wait, no! You're
the hottest woman in North America!

Hey, pal. How'd your marriage
proposal go? Did your wife say yes?

No. I tried to surprise
her like she said.

I told her I fell in love
with a hot, young girl...

and she actually got mad.

Yeah, Van, I think maybe you should
try a more conventional approach.

[Sighs] Well, I don't
think that way, Mr. H.

I think outside the box. That's
what my generation calls "fresh."

Listen, some of the
traditional stuff really works.

I mean, for instance, you
could rent a bicycle built for two.

Oh, yeah, then we could ride it
down to the Pony Express station.

[Imitates Babbling Old Coot]

It's the 21st century.
Think, old man!

All right. Look,
there's tons of stuff.

I mean, there's...
There's candlelight.

There's soft
music, big gestures.

You know, the stuff that they
see in all those romantic movies.

King Kong.

I could dress up like a giant
ape, and we can go ice-skating.

No. Van, Van, King Kong
is not a romantic movie.

Hello. Gentle love story between a
misunderstood ape and a hot young actress.

You know what a great movie
is? An Officer and a Gentleman.

Okay, when Richard Gere showed
up in those dress whites, right?

And all the factory
workers applauded,

and he swept up the
love of his life in his arms...

and he carried
Debra Winger away...

It was dumb.

Okay, so how's your week
been without Barbra Jean?

It's been the best week
of my life. Well, that's good.

Yeah. But it's also bad.

Because it means that you
do have high blood pressure.

Oh, no. Really? Well,
not to worry though.

It's very common,
and it's very treatable.

But I suggest that you speak
to your family doctor about it.

Okay, Doc, now
this is very important.

Is there any other reason why I might
need to ban Barbra Jean from my life?

Well, there's no medical reason.

But as a physician, I would recommend
you keep plenty of booze on hand.

Okay.

Thanks, Doc. Bye. Bye-bye.

- So?
- [Yelps]

Barbra Jean, you almost
scared me to death.

Sorry. I'm sorry.
Ow! Thorn. Thorn.

I just wanted to say that as
awful as this has been for me...

and-and as much as it hurts,
I've been doing some thinkin'.

And, um, if I'm
making you tense,

if I'm endangering your life, I
will leave you alone forever.

So am I the cause of
your high blood pressure?

Yes.

Yes, you are.

Oh. I guess I'll be goin'.

Can I have a lock of your hair?

Barbra Jean, it's not you.
Well, not entirely you anyway.

Really? So I'm
back in your life?

Yeah. I'm gonna go get a
drink. Oh, good. I'll join you.

Ahh.

♪ I'm back in your life,
hey I will never leave, hey ♪

Reba! Someone changed the locks!

Reba!

Reba!

Reba!

All right, there you go.

Uh, can you help me, miss? Sure.

What kind of soup
is this? It's tomato.

Oh, I can't have tomato soup.
It's bad for my stomach. Oh.

Could you put a
little vodka in it?

Ooh, cops! Run!

No, wait, wait, wait.
Everybody calm down.

I'm not an officer of any kind.

Has anyone seen Cheyenne?

She's in the kitchen. But she's
keeping the vodka to herself.

Van, what... Tell me you did
not join the Salvation Army.

No. I'm recreating a
very romantic movie.

Put that soup down. I'm
taking you out of this place.

What?

Mmm. Cheyenne?

Yeah? Will you marry me again?

[Chuckling] Oh, Van.

This is so romantic. [Chuckles]

Say, yes. My back, it's... Answer
me. Yes. Yes. Yes, of course.

Oh! Whoo! [Chuckles]

Now, I haven't seen this movie. So
how long am I supposed to carry you?

Acme! [Coughing]