Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 14 - The Goodbye Guy - full transcript

[Reba] Now, previously on Reba.

The audit went great.
You are gonna love yours.

Turns out that was more of a charity
for the people who donated to it...

then it was for the
poor "Caymanians."

So the charity was a scam?
"Scam" is such an ugly word.

No, it was more of
an illegal tax shelter.

I'll be working with Mrs. Hart,

and, Dr. Hart, you'll be down
the hall with Agent Phung.

But... But I thought we
were gonna do this together.

I mean, you didn't separate
Barbra Jean and me.

It's just our policy
with divorced couples.



They're always so eager
to tell on each other.

We owe the government
$75,000. How did they find out?

Phung broke me!

[Whimpering, Crying]

What? Ow!

When did you talk to him?

Well, you know, I was just
passing him in the hallway,

and he said something about,
how would I like a cup of coffee.

And I said, "Well,
hey, with the amount of

money we owe you, I
should buy you coffee."

And then it kind
of all just came out.

Barbra Jean, do you
realize what you've done?

Now we owe the government
$75,000! [Whimpers]

Why are you blaming her? You're
the one that lied in the first place.



- Yeah!
- Ow!

Oh, cut it out, blabbermouth!

Okay, this is not happening.
This can't be happening.

I don't have $37,000, Brock.

Uh, actually, your
share would be 37,500.

I'm splitting hairs.
You go ahead.

I'll never be able to pay my
half. I only have $18 in my purse.

I don't even know
who's on the $20 bill.

You know, they just put Jack
Nicklaus on a Scottish five-pound note.

What? I'm a sucker
for all things Scottish.

Ow! You gotta do
something about this, Brock!

Why me? Because you're the
one who lied in the first place.

Then you went and married
Kelly MacCan't Shut Up.

Oh.

She with the wee little
brain. Oh, nice! Nice.

You know what? Brock, we can't
talk to her when she's like this.

We should just leave.
And quickly. Reba.

Hey, listen, maybe you could take
out a second mortgage on the house.

Fourth.

[Gasping] Fourth? Ha!

Good God, woman, what
do you do with your money?

Oh, that's it! [Shouting]

Reba! [Mutters]

All right, look, maybe we can work
out a payment plan with the I.R.S.

Oh, yeah, how about
a dollar a year for

37,000 years, 'cause
that's all I can afford!

Actually, it'd be
37,500... Eh-eh-eh...

You know what? Just get out!
Listening to you gives me a headache.

Fine. Come on, Barbra Jean.
Let's leave Reba alone. Okay.

Reba, if it makes
you feel any better,

I'm disgusted with myself too.

Okay, all right, come on. Let's
not leave it like this. Come here.

Yeah?

[Grunts] [Groans]

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

[Objects Clattering]

Do you really think that you're gonna
scare someone off with a lightsaber?

I will if I use the Force.

[Hum Resonating]

Wait a minute, Van. When I went to
sleep last night, didn't you have hair?

Yeah, I know. You know how I like
to go to bed with gum in my mouth?

Well, I'm not
doin' that anymore.

[Clatter] Intruder.

[Hum Resonating]

Aaah!

It's Mom... cleaning the
oven at 2:00 in the morning.

Hey, maybe she's sleep cleaning.

I'm not asleep.

I gotta figure a way
out of this I.R.S. debt,

and I do my best thinking when
I'm drinking... I mean, cleaning.

Well, is there anything
that makes you wanna cook?

'Cause I think the
best when I'm eatin'.

We've got big
financial problems here!

We're making some
cutbacks. You ate yesterday,

so, technically,
today is your day off.

Okay? I'm also thinking
about selling the car.

- You're not gonna get much
for your car.
- Not my car, Van's car.

No! You will not sell Rhonda.

I will see you go to prison
before I let that happen.

- Hey.
- [Both Scream]

[Yelps]

Barbra Jean, how
did you get in here?

I climbed in your
bedroom window.

I'm not knockin' on your door at 2:00 in
the morning, Reba. That would be rude.

Why are you even here at all?

Because Brock's
decided to sell our house.

- What?
- He feels so guilty, he wants
to pay the whole debt.

And the only way he can
do that is to sell our house.

I'm losing my home, Reba. My
child is going to be without a home.

Does Mr. H have a
broker yet? What?

Van, why would you even ask
that? You know, no reason. Does he?

Okay, whoa, whoa,
whoa. Wait just a minute.

Brock is taking care of the
whole debt with the I.R.S.?

And I'm not gonna
have you as a neighbor?

Yeah. Isn't it awful?

It's awfully something.

I know. I mean, if I move out of this
block, I'm never gonna see you anymore.

Oh, no, sure you will, Barbra Jean.
You can set up lunch twice a week.

Cheyenne, don't help me.

Barbra Jean, I don't know
what you want me to do.

Reba, I want you to get
Brock to change his mind.

I mean, after all, you're the
one that put that awful thought...

into Brock's weak
and pliable brain.

No, no, no, I just told
Brock to fix the problem.

His weak and pliable
brain came up with the rest.

Yeah, well, I blame you.

Of course you do, Barbra Jean.

And you know a good
way to get back at her?

Use me as your Realtor.

Well, how would
that get back at her?

I'll drop her. She's
dead weight to me

anyway, and I been
thinking about going solo.

- No, you haven't.
- Yes, I have.

And I don't think I can work
with Mrs. H after what she's done.

Mm-mmm. What is it, Reba?

Do I hire your backstabbing
partner, or do you help me?

I'm sorry, Barbra Jean.

[Stifled Laugh]

Come on, Barbra Jean.

I'm gonna find you a wonderful
new home where you can feel safe.

What's your price
range? Not much.

Then I can't guarantee safe.

Here, let me walk
you home. [Whimpers]

Hey, Barbra Jean.
Is this a bad time?

Well, actually, yeah. Henry
was just... Great. Smile.

[Camera Shutter Snaps]
Ooh. Everything's all sparkly.

This is Jenny. She's gonna be
taking pictures for the brochure.

Hello. Uh, Van, wait.

Aah! And since Jenny
was gonna be here,

I figured she'd take some pictures
of me working my Realtor magic.

Down here by the
couch. But, Van, Van...

[Jenny] Oh, that's
nice. I like that.

Van? Van? Van?

Van, stop!

Okay. As much as I'm
enjoying the light show,

we're not gonna need to
make your brochure anymore.

Sure we are. Remember, this is
how we're gonna get back at Mrs. H.

Close in.

Yeah. But, Van, I don't wanna
get back at Reba anymore.

Mm-hmm. Got it.

Okay, Barbra Jean,
don't start yelling at me.

I'm just here to help
Van with his brochure.

But, Mrs. H, remember?

We're no longer in
business together. [Snorts]

You guys, I'm not mad.

Last night, I had an epiphany.

Do you all know
what an epiphany is?

- Is that some sort of booze?
- No.

I was goin' over in my mind what happened
at Reba's house, and I said to myself,

I said, "Babby-Jay"...
That's my American Idol

name, if I ever make
it, finger's crossed.

I said, "Babby-Jay,

Reba is never gonna let
you move away from her."

All right, now let me explain.

- Reba, how many times
a day do you call me?
- Zero.

And how many times a day do you
come over here and pop in on me?

- Never.
- Now how many times a day
do I pop in on you?

Fifty. And apparently sometimes
at night through a window.

Exactly. Now there's no way you
would put up with that if secretly...

[Singsongy] you didn't like me.

I think somebody needs to stop
knockin' back on the epiphany.

Van, she always does this.

I get into trouble, and
she pretends to be happy,

and calls me a moron
and a butt, you know.

But then at the end of the
day, she rides in and saves me.

She's... She's like my guardian angel
with a really mean sense of humor.

Barbra Jean, this thing is
bigger than the both of us.

We're mere pawns in God's
great chess game of life.

And it looks like your
pawn is gonna be...

way on the other side
of the chess board.

Oh, okay, that's
right. I'm a pawn.

All right, I'll play
along, Reba.

Okay, Van, let's go get some pictures
of the bird bath for that brochure. Okay.

Yeah, birds take baths. Okay,
let me get my pigeon loofah.

Hey, Mom. Is Dad here?

Oh, honey, I don't know.
I just got here myself.

Well, would you
give this to him?

These have a range
of over two miles. So I

can call him when he
gets to his new house.

Will do, Jake. He's still gonna be
able to coach my basketball team, right?

Oh, yeah, you bet. And on Thursdays,
we go to that diner and have waffles.

We can still do that,
right? Absolutely, honey.

It's gonna be just like
when he was over at

his condo. You'll get
to see him all the time.

Cool. Yeah.

And be sure to give him
that walkie-talkie. I sure will.

You bet.

Hey, did I just hear Jake?

Oh, yeah. He left that for you.

He said he wanted to be able to talk to
you when you get into your new house.

Oh. Well, I don't think it's
gonna work at my new place.

Oh, yeah. He said it has
a range of over two miles.

Yeah, well, Reba, we're not
gonna be moving around here.

We're moving to Las Vegas.

Hey, Dad, it's me. Just
wanted to tell you I love you.

[Exhales]

[Clears Throat]

[Deep Voice] Copy
that, little buddy.

[Reba] Brock, get back in
here. We need to talk about this.

- What is it, Reba?
- You can't move to Las Vegas.

Sure I can. It's one of the
fastest growing cities in America.

And they need dentists...
Young, ambitious dentists.

You're not even two out
of three of those things.

And what about Jake?
Oh, to tell you the truth,

I think Jake would be
better off without me.

That's not true. Jake
still needs a father.

Does he? You know, this whole
I.R.S. thing has made me realize...

it's just one more time that
I've hurt the people I care about.

I mean, face it, Reba.
I'm like a tornado.

I made a mess of my life and
everyone else's life I'm close to.

I can't believe you're
even considering this.

Yeah? Well, I am.

So you're tearing this
family apart over money.

Brock, you're making
a huge mistake.

You know what? You may be right.

But fortunately,
making mistakes...

seems to be the only thing
that I've been good at lately.

Yeah, that and being a butt.

Stupid, stupid.
Stupid, stupid, stupid!

Uh-oh. You're muttering.
Someone did something dumb.

Only your dad could
take a wonderful gesture...

like moving Barbra Jean
away from me and wreck it!

He wants to move
to Las Vegas. What?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. He wants to move
far away, 'cause he's on this kick about...

all the bad stuff he's done and how
he's ruined everybody else's lives.

Well, Mom, that is so not true.
Did you tell him how great he is?

Did you remind him about
the good stuff that he's done?

I don't think I'm the
best person for that job.

Mom? Vegas? We
have to do something.

I don't want Dad moving to Utah.

Cheyenne, Las
Vegas is in Nevada.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought you said Los Angeles.

Barbra Jean, just take
a look at the property.

Van, it's a waste of time.

Reba is never gonna let this
happen. She's a stopper, remember?

Van, stop trying
to sell 'em a house.

- What? Why?
- Because I'm gonna
talk Brock into staying.

Bingo!

Nice call, Babby-Jay.

Oh, I knew you weren't
gonna let this happen.

Oh, Reba, I wish I knew the words
to "Reunited" by Peaches and "Erb."

I'm not doing this for
you. I'm doing it for Jake.

Right. For Jake.

Yeah, it's best that we leave our
bond unspoken. We'll just share a look.

Okay.

Barbra Jean, she's serious.

Dad wants you guys
to move to Vegas.

- What?
- Yeah, the one in Nevada.

Mr. H can't move to Vegas. I'm
not licensed to sell houses in Vegas.

Yeah, and I can't live in Vegas. I'm not
allowed within 500 feet of Wayne Newton.

Okay. All right.
Everybody just calm down.

Why don't we make a list of
all the stuff that Brock is good at.

Then I'll take it over there, and
use that to talk him into staying.

[Chuckles] Okay. For Jake.

Right. For Jake.

Okay. Yeah.

You're creepin' me out.

Okay, yeah. I'm
creepin' you out, okay.

Okay, good things
about Brock. Go.

I've got plenty of good
things to say about Brock.

You don't get to talk. He's
not moving away from you.

Cheyenne.

Pass.

Pass?

Well, come back to me. I'm not... I'm
not good at doing this under pressure.

- Van?
- Pass.

- Everybody can't pass.
- Mmm!

You get to pass. Van?

Look, I like Mr. H a lot.
So let's quickly review.

We got an affair.
We got a divorce.

We got mid-life crisis.
Separation from the new wife.

Lying to the I.R.S.
Financial ruin.

Cheats at golf. He's always in the
bathroom when the dinner check comes.

- Oddly tan.
- Oh, all right!

All right.

That's it. I'll just do
something on my own.

He's a caring
and attentive lover.

Meeting's over.

[Machine Humming]

Hey, Brock.

Hey.

What are you doing?

Uh... Oh. Oh, I was just
getting in one last tan...

on my Tan Blaster 2000
before I send it back.

[Tan Blaster Winding Down]

I don't wanna stand
out in the desert.

Really? Are there a lot of
orange people in Las Vegas?

Yes.

Well, look, Brock, I
was, uh, telling the

kids about what you
said about the tornado...

and ruining people's lives,

and, man, you... you should have
heard them singing your praises.

Really? What'd they say? Yeah.

Oh, well, what happened
is they were, uh...

They were all yelling... yelling
about all the great stuff you do,

and... and talking
at the same time.

I mean, it was like a love fest.

I was looking at the calendar
saying, "What is this, Brock Day?"

Really? What did Cheyenne say?

Why do you push?

They couldn't think of
anything, could they?

No. But they tried.

You should have seen
how hard they tried.

Doesn't that show you
how much they care?

Look, I-I know they
do. I know they do.

I just don't want to hurt anyone
anymore, and that's why I'm leaving.

That's not called leaving,
Brock. That's called running away.

And that's what you do
every time things get tough.

What are you talking about?
What am I talking about?

I'm talking about when things got tough
between you and me, you ran to Barbra Jean.

And when things got tough between you and
Barbra Jean, you ran to the golf course.

And when things are getting tough around
here, you're running off to Las Vegas!

I'm just trying to do what I
think is best for everyone.

Breaking up a family is
not good for anybody, Brock.

We did that once before.
Let's not do that again.

Are we still a family, Reba?

As crazy as it sounds, yes.

With everything we've got going against
us, Brock, it shouldn't work, but it does.

And that's why I'm
able to tell you this.

You got a white patch
on the back of your neck.

[Laughs] Well, Mrs. H,

I hope you're H-A-P-P-Y.

Actually, I'm C-R-A-B-B-Y.

Oh!

I just talked to Mr. H, and thanks to
Little Miss Susie Do Right... that's you...

I lost two commissions...
the one that I

would have gotten
from selling their house...

and the one that I would've
gotten from selling them a new one!

Three actually, 'cause when I heard
about it, I was with another client,

I lost my temper and
took it out on them.

"Excuse me, Mr. Montgomery,
what's a bonus room?"

"It's a bonus! Be happy!"

So they're not
moving to Las Vegas?

That's right, Miss Susie
Two-and-Two-Makes-Four.

They're not goin' anywhere.

Mr. H is gonna come up with the
money somehow to pay off the I.R.S...

that does not involve me
getting a commission. [Laughs]

You know what? We should put
up a billboard of you holding a gun,

that says, "Nobody move!"

So they're not
moving out of state,

yet Barbra Jean is still
gonna be my neighbor.

[Murmurs, Mutters]

[Murmurs, Mutters]

So, how does that
make you feel, Mrs. H?

Pass.

Well, anyway, I think there's something
wrong with Mr. H. I think he's sick.

'Cause he's got a giant red
patch on the back of his neck.

Acme! [Coughing]