Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 13 - Don't Mess with Taxes - full transcript

Thanks again.

So, Jake, what do you think
about the high-definition television?

It's... It's...

the most beautiful
thing I've ever seen.

Wait'll you turn it on.

♪♪ [Cartoon Playing] [Moaning]

- Is it here?
- It's here!

It's here! [Chuckles]
Oh, thank the Lord.

This is the best thing
that's ever happened to me.

Besides you, honey.

Van, you do not
have time to watch TV.



Go change your shirt. We're
going to be late for my class.

Cheyenne, I do not want to go
to some stupid husband panel.

We have a flat-screen,
high-definition TV.

I finally have something to
grow old and get fat in front of.

Van, it's for my sociology
class, and I'm getting graded on it.

They're grading you on
your husband? [Chuckles]

Boy, I hope they're
gradin' on a curve. [Laughs]

Van, these women are coming to find
out what men really want from marriage.

You wanna know what men
really want from marriage?

I can't really tell you
in front of your mother.

Van, you're going.

All right, fine. You know what
men really want from marriage?

A high-definition,
flat-screen TV!

Reba, I need your
help. I am desperate.



Oh, not now. I'm gonna
go watch Dr. Phil's

big ol' Charlie Brown
size head in high def.

Brock and I are being
audited by the I.R.S.!

[Laughing]

Reba, it is not funny.

I think we are in
real trouble here.

Now-Now you know how I've
been doing all of our tax returns?

Yeah, what's the problem? I've
been doing all of our tax returns!

Here, take a look.

Well, right off the bat, I'd tell you to
stop doin' the "I heart the I.R.S." stuff.

It makes you look
desperate. I am desperate.

Oh, Reba, I'm goin' down.
I'm headed for the big house.

Oh, Barbra Jean.
Promise me, Reba,

if I get sent to prison, you will do
something to get sent to prison too.

And then we can break
out like on that show.

You're gonna have to get the layout
of the prison tattooed on your body,

so you're gonna need
to gain some weight.

Oh, God! [Sobbing]

Calm down. Oh, I
love how tough you are.

When we're in prison, I'm
so gonna be your girlfriend.

[Groans]

Barbra Jean. Yeah?

They only send you to jail if
you lie on these forms. Uh-huh.

Not because you
put glitter all over it.

I would never knowingly lie.

I mean, so-so if I just
made these mistakes...

because I don't know what
I'm doin', I should be okay, right?

Yes, you should plead dumb.

Trust me, after they talk to you
for a little while, they'll let you off.

Heck, they'll probably
even pay for your ride home.

All right, Dr. Phil, polish up
that old bald head of yours!

Even if we didn't go to prison,
I'd still so be your girlfriend.

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Reba, we're back.
Just like a cold sore.

Hey, that's a
reoccurring mosquito bite.

The audit went great.
You are gonna love yours.

- What do you mean?
- Brock, go.

Oh, yeah. Well, it's
a funny thing really.

It seems like once they
take a look at your returns,

they get all excited and they
want to go back even further.

- How much farther?
- Yeah, well, it's...

It's a funny thing really.
Oh, wow, is this new?

Brock. Yeah.

Uh, the last three years of our
marriage. You and I are being audited.

Wait a minute. We got divorced.

Didn't you get the
audits in the settlement?

Reba, you've got
nothin' to worry about.

I'm sure that your
returns are in order.

That's right, Reba. As far as
you know, everything's fine.

Last time you said
"everything's fine,"

I heard Barbra Jean
giggling in the background.

[Giggling] Do you
remember that time?

That was so...
Well, anyway, look.

Uh, it's really no big deal.

I mean, you remember when
Harry, my friend from dental school,

set up that charity for us
in the Cayman Islands?

- How come I never met Harry?
- Oh, you haven't?

Oh, well, we'll have him over
for dinner in... three to five years.

Anyway, turns out that was more of a
charity for the people who donated to it...

than it was for the
poor "Caymanians."

So the charity was a scam?

"Scam" is such an ugly word.

No, it was more of
an illegal tax shelter.

And I got out as
soon as I found out.

But the thing is, I never
paid the money back,

and I never told you about it 'cause
you're so big on the truth and everything.

How much? Oh, it's not
a lot. Hardly anything.

So sell somethin'
and pay it back.

Like that tannin' bed
you claim not to have.

It's a rental. Anyway...

I gave the money I saved
to a real charity, Reba.

I made it as right as I could.

But this is the I.R.S.
that we're talkin' about.

You don't tell them that you scammed...
that you sheltered money from them.

They will crawl into places
you didn't even know existed.

He's right, Reba.
He can't go to prison.

Although it would be
nice for you to see Harry.

Reba, promise me that
you won't say anything.

Trust me. You do not want
to open up this can of worms.

I'll think about it. Now
go home and tan up.

I need you lookin'
good for the audit.

Welcome, everyone, to "I Do Is
Forever... Marriage From a Man's View."

This seminar is forever, and I wish I had
a view of the game. Know what I mean?

Thank you, everyone, for writing
all of your questions for our panel.

Now let's meet our happily
married men. [Chuckles]

This is Van Montgomery,
happily married to me. Taken.

And that's Herman and that's Doug.
And they're married to other women.

Okeydokey, first question.

First question: Why
am I here? [Chuckles]

This one is for "the cute one."

Well, that's gotta be
me. Thank you, ladies.

Remember, ladies, these
men are married, especially Van.

All right, the question is,
"How did you meet your wife?"

Uh, we met in high school.

[Women Aahing]

Well, thanks
again. They like me.

Okeydokey. Next question.

"For the hot one."
Oh... [Chuckles]

Me again. Sorry, Doug.

"What is your wife's worst
trait?" Okay, that's a good one.

Van? Ooh, that's
a tough question.

I'm gonna have to say, I can't
tell which of her eyes are prettier.

[Aahing]

Yeah. Isn't he charming,
ladies? [Chuckles]

But remember, we
really do need complete

honesty in order for
the panel to be helpful.

Okay. Next question. [Chuckles]

"When did the really hot guy
know that his wife was the one?"

Okay, you guys, this is
ridiculous. Okay, I'll take over now.

Uh, let me tell you a story
how I proposed to my wife.

I rented a hot-air balloon.

Hot... air balloon.

And as we hovered over
the field, I pointed down there.

And carved in the
crops were the words...

- "Will you marry me?"
- [Aahing]

And I handed her a
glass of champagne...

with a diamond ring
the size of a... cockroach.

And then she fainted. [Gasps]

So I picked her up gently and
kissed her softly on the lips.

And when she awoke, she
said the words, "I will. I will."

[Woman] Oh, my God.

All right, that is enough!

He's a goon, and he is a liar!

He didn't propose to me. You want to
know how he knew I was the one, Maureen?

When he asked me to
homecoming, and I said,

"Oh, okay, but don't forget to buy
me a corsage and some diapers,

'cause you knocked me up!"

And I married her anyway,
because I knew I loved her...

when I looked into her
gorgeous left and right eyes.

[Women Aah] [Chuckles]

Next question! Yeah.
How are you getting home?

Ladies?

[Excited Oohing] Oh!

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late.

Here. I took some
pictures of other people's

children for you to
claim as dependents.

Although the-the black kid
may require some explanation.

Will you knock it
off, Barbra Jean?

Everything'll be fine as long
as Reba doesn't say anything.

I've thought about it,
and I'm not gonna lie.

What? This is the
I.R.S. You have to lie.

You have any idea
what they could do to us?

You said it wasn't gonna
be that much money.

Yeah, well see, here's...
Here's the funny thing.

It could be a tad more
than I led you to believe.

Do you ever stop lyin'? Ow!

Well, it wasn't a
lot initially. But what

with penalty and
interest, it would be a ton.

How much is a ton? Well, it
would put you in a huge hole,

and Barbra Jean and
I might lose the house.

What? What? Ow!

Brock, you never told me
we could lose the house!

I can't live under a bridge!

Not again.

Brock, how could you do this?

How could you let this get to a point
where it would cost everybody so much?

Only if they find out. If you get on
board, none of that's gonna happen.

I'm not lyin'. It's bad karma.

It follows you around. That's why
you've had such a lousy life, Brock.

She's babbling and turning
pink. She's gonna rat us out!

Will you two stop beating
on me? That's their job.

Now, look, Reba. Just let
me do all the talking, okay?

All you have to do
is smile and nod.

Well, you are a better
liar than I am. [Sighs]

I just wish you
were more likable!

Okay, everybody,
just shh, all right?

The walls have ears.

Trust no one.

For all you know, I
could be wearing a wire.

Well, actually, I am under here,
but it's just to lift and separate.

Oh, geez. Oh, will you
stop? For heaven's sake.

Hi. My name is
Agent Miller. Come in.

Smile and nod. Smile
and nod. Yeah, right.

Hey, Agent Miller.
[Chuckles] [Chuckles]

Um, hey, um,

I'm just, uh, gonna go out there
and play with my black child.

[Giggling Nervously]

So, Mrs. Hart, how
are you today? Fine.

She's fine. We're-We're fine.

Good. I'll be working
with Mrs. Hart,

and, Dr. Hart, you'll be down
the hall with Agent Phung.

Phung? But... But I thought
we were gonna do this together.

I mean, you didn't separate
Barbra Jean and me.

It's just our policy
with divorced couples.

They're always so eager
to tell on each other.

Plus, when there's nothin'
to hide, no one minds.

Oh, well, there's
certainly nothing to hide.

Right, Reba?

Dr. Hart, will you come with me?

- Is this gonna take long?
- How long have you got?

- [Chuckles]
- [Laughs]

[Clears Throat]

[Giggling]

Oh, Phung just kills me.

[Clears Throat] So, Mrs.
Hart, before we get started,

I have to tell you that the
I.R.S. is a lot more lenient...

if the taxpayer comes forward
with any issues or problems.

I'm sure there aren't any, but
I have to tell you that, okay?

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

We've been over everything.

- And it mostly seems
to be in order.
- Okay.

- But there is one
tiny area of concern.
- Oh?

- You probably know
what I'm talkin' about?
- [Sighs] Cayman.

- What? - 'Kay, man. [Chuckles]

Okay, man, lay it
on me. [Chuckles]

[Whimpers]

- I'd like to talk to you
about 1998.
- I was drunk that whole year.

Try to think back.

Did you work for
Dr. Hart full time?

Yes.

According to this, you worked
for your husband full time,

and yet he only paid
you minimum wage.

Was there any compensation
paid under the table?

- Oh, no. No. He's just cheap.
- Mm-hmm. He looks cheap.

- Anyhow, that's
the only problem we had.
- Great.

So you just sign here,

and we send it off for one final
review, and then you're done.

Super great.

[Phone Rings] Oh.

Miller. Hi, Phung!

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Okay.

What did Phung say?

Oh, just "I.R.S.-y" stuff.

Oh, before you sign,

if there is anything that you
knowingly and willingly omitted,

and you sign this, the
penalties of perjury apply.

- Perjury?
- Mm-hmm.

So, is there
anything you left out?

Something you might suddenly
remember that you might want to share?

Something your ex-husband
may have spilled to Phung?

You know, I was thinkin'.

Since those ladies at your
seminar loved me so much,

I should write a book on
how to be the perfect husband.

Ha! You should write a book.
You should call it I'm a Perfect Liar,

and I Met a Girl, and I Made
Up Stories About How I Met Her...

so I Could Impress Stupid College
Girls Who Are Stupid Anyway.

That doesn't leave a whole lot of
room on the cover for my picture.

Here's my book. I
Married a "Hot" Jerk.

Oh, I get it. You're a little jealous
'cause I got all the attention.

I am so not jealous.

Oh, please. A perfect
husband can read his wife.

Why did you have to lie, Van?

Is the truth about our
lives really so awful?

Honey, what are
you talkin' about?

I just felt like you had to make up
some fantasy about what our life is like...

because you're so ashamed of it.

Cheyenne, I made up a fantasy
'cause that's what I wish had happened.

Not because I'm ashamed of it,
because you deserve a memory like that.

You deserve to be proposed
to in a hot-air balloon.

Not, "What? You're pregnant?
What are we gonna do?"

Really? Yes.

- That's why you lied?
- Honey, the...

The only thing I feel bad
about our relationship...

is that I haven't tried to
make it a hundred times better.

Hey, babe. Baby, come
here. Come here, baby.

Oh. [Chuckles]

Did you really
mean that thing...

about not knowing which one
of my eyes is more beautiful?

'Cause I kind of think that too.

I meant it all. Mmm.

Mmm. [Chuckles] [Chuckles]

Oh, man, I really
should write a book.

Oh, Reba. So, uh, how'd
it go with Agent Miller?

Fine. How'd it go
with Agent Phung?

Fine, fine.

So anything you
want to tell me, Reba?

No. Anything you
want to tell me, Brock?

Tell you? Uh-huh.

Oh, well, let me think. Let me
think. Yeah, yeah. There is one thing.

You sang like a bird,
didn't you? What?

No, you're the rat! Anything to
save your own skin, huh, Brock?

Oh, cut the act,
Reba. It was you.

You should've seen
the look on Phung's face

when he was talkin'
to Miller on the phone.

Mm-hmm Mm-hmm. [Imitating Japanese
Accent] "Oh, that very interesting."

No, no, no, no, no. Horsefeathers.
My gal didn't call your guy.

Your guy called my gal, talkin' about
how you were down there spillin' your guts.

Oh, I didn't say
anything. I swear.

I didn't say anything
either. I swear!

Wait a minute. Wait a
minute, Wait a minute.

It was a trick! It was a trick.

They were trying to
get us to believe the

other one was confessing
to try and break us.

So neither one of us talked
about the Cayman thing?

I didn't. I didn't either.

Oh, that means
we're okay! We did it!

Oh, I always knew I
could trust you, Reba.

[Phone Rings] [Chuckles] Yes.

Oh, well, no.

Hello. Oh. Agent Miller.

Miller time. Yeah.

Uh-huh. Yeah.

Okay. All righty.

Bye.

We owe the government $75,000.

What? What are
you talkin' about?

Back taxes, penalty
and interest! Ow!

$75,000!

I-I-I... I don't unders...
I don't understand.

We didn't tell 'em anything.
How did they find out?

Phung broke me!

[Whimpering, Crying]

Acme! [Coughing]