Reba (2001–2007): Season 5, Episode 11 - Brock's Got Stones - full transcript

Oh, come on, Van. Please.

I really want you to go
with me to the soup kitchen.

Cheyenne, I'm going to the park,
and I'm playing football with my friends.

They're not homeless, but Clarence
does live in his parents' garage.

Do you think you're too good to
hang out with homeless people?

[Chuckles] Yeah. Kinda.

Plus I'm kind of busy, honey.

That's why we make
such a great team.

See, you are
selfless. Me, selfish.

I don't sell fish.

But wouldn't it be
funny if I sold fish?



Fine, Van. Go to your
stupid football game.

But you're always saying how you want
me to include you in this part of my life,

and, every time I try to, you
don't want anything to do with it.

I only said that so you'd let
me finish watching the game.

Have fun with your hoboes.

[Door Opens, Closes]

Oh, hey, Cheyenne.
I'm off to St. Louis.

Yeah, take my husband with you
and leave him in that stupid arch.

Stupid? [Door Closes]

She thinks the arch is stupid?

It is one of the seven
wonders of the world.

It is not.

It's one of the seven
wonders of my world, Reba.

Now, anyway, while I'm off
enjoying the Bowling Hall of Fame...



and the nation's
best live banjo music,

I'm gonna need you to do some
things for me around the house.

Oily rags and a match? Got it.

[Laughs] Gosh, you
are funny. [Fake Laugh]

Why are you still
single, huh? [Babbling]

Okay. Here's my key.
And, uh, I just need

you to bring in the mail
and water my plants.

And, most importantly, feed and
walk my husband three times a day.

- What?
- Well, I can't just
leave food out.

He'll eat it all in the first day, and
then he'll go hungry the rest of the week.

Anyway, Brock's on this all-spinach
diet, so it's gonna be real easy.

I'm not taking care of Brock.

I didn't even like taking care
of him when I owned him.

Baby doll, you better get a move
on. You're gonna miss your flight.

Oh, they'll wait. I used to
date the pilot. [Chuckles]

I was a flight attendant
for three months.

[Imitates Static] Now
boarding, Barbra Jean. [Laughs]

[Reba] Ha, hey!

♪ My roots are
planted in the past ♪

♪ Though my life
is changing fast ♪

♪ Who I am is who I want to be ♪

♪ A single mom
who works too hard ♪

♪ Who loves her
kids and never stops ♪

♪ With gentle hands ♪

♪ And the heart of a fighter ♪

♪ I'm a survivor ♪♪

Ah, the best thing about
Barbra Jean being out of town...

I don't have to lock
the front door. [Laughs]

- Hey, Reba.
- Crap.

Trust me, I don't want to be here
any more than you want me here.

That's impossible.

Listen. I... I just need to
borrow your hot-water bottle.

I've told you a million times. You can't
use that thing as a whoopee cushion.

Right. Yeah. No,
it's for my back.

It just... It's... It
feels a little off.

- Yeah, you look kind of funny.
- I do?

Yeah. I didn't wanna say anything,
'cause you always look funny.

- [Laughs]
- [Laughs, Groans]

Are you laughing? 'Cause that
really wasn't one of my better zingers.

[Groans] No. No, I'm not
laughing. Oh, God. It hurts. Oh!

You're serious. Come on.
I'm gonna get you to the doctor.

Oh, no, no, no, no. No, no, no.
That's not necessary. No. This'll pass.

Oh. Oh! Oh, okay. All right.

All right. Come
on. Get in the car.

Bad enough that I
ignored her plants.

Barbra Jean will
kill me if you croak.

Oh, excuse me.
Could you help me?

Well, sure. You know, you
remind me of my first wife.

Aw. Except she was really ugly.

Oh, thank you.
Okeydokey. [Chuckles]

See, I'm... I'm volunteering here today,
and I was just wondering who to talk to.

Well, don't talk
to Spittin' Sammy.

I think the reason
is self-evident.

Hello there. Can
I help you? Oh, hi.

Yes. I'm Cheyenne Montgomery.
I'm here giving of my time.

I wanted my husband to come, but
he's selfish. Yeah. He doesn't sell fish.

Sorry. I'm nervous.
I just start rambling.

Oh, that's okay.
I wasn't listening.

Anyway.

It's just, uh... it's just real
important that I get rid of my anger.

You know. It's important
that I look happy.

These people have led
miserable, difficult, terrible lives,

and my smile may be the only
positive thing they'll see all day,

perhaps in their lifetime.

- Hi. Welcome to the shelter.
- Hi, Sammy.

Okay.

So, what can I do? I could serve
soup, or I could talk to the men,

or I could just be
seen. [Chuckles]

Oh, no, dear. That's my job.

[Chuckles] You can
start washing dishes.

When that's done, you
can clean the toilets.

What?

See, I was... I was just hoping
for something a little more out front.

Well, you can clean up
the vomit in the doorway.

Is the kitchen that way? Uh-huh.

Okay. Smile.

Oh, you poor thing.

You... You look terrible.

I do?

Oh, horrible. How long
have you been on the street?

Well, actually, I was in
the park. Oh, so young.

Such a shame.

Are you hungry?
Yes. I'm starving.

Oh. I'm always starving.

Well, I'm gonna get you something
to eat. You come sit right here.

I'll get you something.
I'll be right back.

Oh!

This place is awesome.

I'm surprised more
people don't come here.

You remind me of my first wife.

Back off, pal. I'm married.

Van? Hey, honey.

You look like the lunch lady.

What are you doing here?

Well, I... I thought about
what you said, and I felt guilty,

so I came down here to see if
there's anything I could do to help.

Here you go. Oh!

Thank you.

Hey. Do you have
any crackers? Van!

Don't eat that soup. That
soup is for the hoboes.

- You know each other?
- That's my husband.

- What? The fish seller?
- [Van Clears Throat]

Come on in. [Grunts] Oh.

Dad, what's wrong?

Honey, the doctor said
your dad has a kidney stone.

Now, it's not dangerous,
and it will go away by itself,

but in the meantime... [Giggles
Softly] it's incredibly painful.

- Did you just giggle?
- No, I didn't.

Why would he eat
kidney stones? Oh, honey.

He didn't eat 'em. It's just that he got
'em by eating way too much spinach.

I knew it! Vegetables are evil.

Jake, spinach is still good for you.
You just don't want to eat too much of it,

'cause the minerals
build up, and it...

turns into glass that
you pass through your...

- Brock. - wiener! [Groans]

[Exhales] Wow, Dad.

- Spinach does that?
- Yeah. There's an episode
of Popeye you'll never see.

[Groans]

Well, I guess I'll,
uh... I'll head home.

But there's nobody there.

I'm no doctor, but I think
you need someone around...

when you shoot glass
through your wiener.

I'll be fine, buddy.

[Groans] Whoa!

- I'm going with him.
- No, you're not.

But he needs help. I know.
That's why he's staying here.

Brock, you're sick. And you're gonna stay
right here until you get to feeling better.

I don't care how long it
takes. Come on. Wait.

Are you just saying this because you're
looking forward to seeing me in pain?

No. Although it is
a perk. Come on.

Thanks, buddy.
[Groans] Oh, gosh!

Barbra Jean, have you
boarded your flight yet?

Yeah. Yeah, I know.
You can't hurry 'em up.

Yes, I'm sure if you had a
gun, they'd move a lot faster,

but you shouldn't say
stuff like that out loud.

Hello?

Oh. Yes, sir, Officer. Yes.

I understand. By all
means, question her.

Well, Barbra Jean's
gonna be a little late.

Possibly three
to five years late.

So it looks like our
happy little weekend's...

gonna be a little bit
longer than we thought.

[Groans] Oh! Oh,
here it comes again.

Oh! Mother of Mercy,
nothing feels like this.

Oh, Brock, please. I
delivered three children.

Not through a straw, babe.

[Groans]

Oh.

[Shudders] You okay?

- Yeah. For the time being.
- You want something to eat?

Oh, God. I can't even
think about food right now.

Not even grilled cheese
sandwich and tomato soup?

Reba's famous grilled
cheese sandwich. [Chuckles]

You still make it with mayo? Of
course. What am I, an animal?

All right.

I'll see your three cans,

and I'll raise you
one left shoe.

- What have you got?
- Hepatitis "C."

Oh. And a full house.

[Shouts] Again?

You're, like, the luckiest
guy ever, Homeless Joe.

Ew! Ew! Oh! Oh! [Gags]

Oh! Oh! Incoming.

Excuse me. When
can I take a break?

When everyone has a home.

"When everyone has a home."

Oh, God! Homeless stuff! Oh! Oh.

Hey, Cheyenne. You got any cans?

If I don't start winning soon,
we're gonna be homeless. [Laughs]

I hear that! John Doe. Tito.

[Laughs] What the hell is that?

Van. Can I speak with you?

All right. [Clears Throat]

Guys, I'll... I'll be back in
one minute, but remember,

if you need to take a bathroom
break, use a bathroom, okay?

Look, Van. I am glad that
you're having so much fun...

with the residentially
challenged, but I am not, okay?

For people who are
supposedly starving, they

sure do leave a lot
of food on their plates.

Honey, what you're
doing is important work,

although you do have a piece
of corn on your eyebrow. Oh.

I'm sorry, Van, but I've been
stuck back in that hellhole...

for two days straight, cleaning
up other people's messes.

I was supposed to be out
front, not back in the kitchen,

where nobody could see
all the good work I'm doing.

Isn't it enough that you know
you're doing a good thing?

I thought it would be,
Van, but, no, it's not.

I want everyone to know. I
want to be showered with praise.

I want them to lift me
up on their shoulders,

or at least name a
damn soup after me.

Well, I don't think
volunteering works that way.

Well, maybe if it did,
more people would do it.

I just thought people would, like, at
least pat me on the back or something.

Honey, sit down.

I know you feel like what you're doing
isn't important and it doesn't matter.

But without you and other people
like you who do all the hard, dirty work,

these people wouldn't
have a decent meal,

have a... have a clean place to go
or one moment of the day to feel safe,

where they can forget
about all their problems.

What you do matters.

Believe me, I know.

I was once mistaken
for a homeless person.

Well.

Honey, that's so sweet.

Maybe you could, um, buy
me some flowers or something,

you know, as, like,
a symbolic gesture.

You got it. Aw. [Chuckles]

I'll do even better. I'll
help you clean the dishes.

Really? Aw.

I'm next with the blonde.

Don't worry. Don't
worry. He hit on me too.

Okay, Dad. I see you
and Cheyenne and Kyra.

When did we have
a big red dog? Oh.

[Chuckles] That's
not a dog, Son.

That's your mom's hair. [Laughs]

Yeah.

It was huge! Yes. Yeah.

Okay. If we're pointing
out funny hairdos,

look at this.

That's what your dad was up to.
Jake, have you ever heard of a mullet?

That is not a mullet.

That is too a mullet! And you had a Duran
Duran T-shirt on. That's a double whammy.

[Laughs]

You guys are laughing in all
these pictures. [Both] Yeah.

[Sighs] So, how you feelin'?

Uh, pretty good actually. Pretty
good. You feel like something to eat?

Listen. Why don't you sit down? I'll
go make us something for a change.

Nah. I got it. And I'll fill up your
water bottle while I'm at it. Okay?

All right. Thanks. See, Son,

here's the deal with a mullet:

business in the front,
party in the back.

Yeah. Sweet!

[Grunts] Yeah.

- What are you doing?
- Making poker chips.

I am deep in the hole.

[Grunts]

Mr. H is still here.
That's nice of you.

No, not really. You know, I
thought he was really gonna bug me,

but, actually, it's
been kind of fun.

To tell you the truth,

I'm gonna be a little sad when he
passes that stone and has to leave.

Yeah! That's gonna be something
when he passes that stone. [Grunts]

Hey, Mrs. H. Ask
me what's so funny.

What's so funny, Van?

He passed the stone
yesterday. [Laughs]

- What?
- Well, I figure
it's okay to tell you,

'cause you're getting
along with him so well.

Anyway, I better
get to the shelter.

It's beef Stroganoff night, and I want
to get in line before Spittin' Sammy.

[Mutters]

Hey, Reba. Why don't
we watch Jeopardy?

It's about to start. [Laughs]

Right. It's about to start.

[Mutters] Whoa. Whoa. Whoa.

Hey, Jake. Why don't you go
upstairs and let your dad rest?

He's in a lot of pain.
No, not right now.

Soon though.

I'll see you later, bud.

You know, I was just in
the kitchen talkin' about ya.

Were your ears burning? Oh! Oh!
Ow. Reba, whoa, whoa. That hurts. Ow!

Ah. As much as your kidney stone
did when you passed it yesterday?

Oh, wait. Did I forget
to tell you about that?

How can you be so
selfish? I made you soup.

I made you a grilled cheese
sandwich. I was nice to you.

Yes. Yes, you were,
and that was the problem.

What the heck does that mean?

You know how whenever I'm over here, we're
always throwing little digs at each other?

Yeah. Because you're an idiot.

Okay. Fine. I'm an idiot.

But when I got sick,
those little digs stopped.

It's like you said.
You were nice to me.

I was nice to you. We laughed.

Yeah, but when we were laughing
and being nice, you were lying.

Yeah, okay. Fine. Look. That
was wrong. That was wrong.

But look, Reba. Just hear me
out for a second here, okay?

I realize that we failed as
husband and wife, okay? I get that.

I accept it. But the thing I
miss the most is our friendship.

And for the last few days,
it's like we had that back again.

I know. I miss it too.

You know, it's weird.

What's stopping us from moving on
and being friends again? [Door Opens]

I'm back.

Yeah. Right.

Oh, Brock. Hi.

Thank goodness you're alive.

Unlike my plants. Thank
you very much, Reba.

Well, Barbra Jean, I
had to make a choice...

Save your plants or save Brock.

- Sorry I blew it.
- That's okay.

And just to show you that
there's no hard feelings,

I'm gonna let you
run the projector...

at my Meet Me in St. Louis
slide show extravaganza.

It's tomorrow night,
7:00 to midnight. Oh!

[Laughs] Good deal. I'll bring
you a big ol' bowl of spinach.

Oh. [Laughs]

[Doorbell Rings]
Okay. Excuse me.

Pardon me.

- Are you Reba?
- Yes.

I just won this house
in a poker game.

[Slide Projector Clicking]

[Barbra Jean] Welcome to Barbra
Jean's slide show extravaganza.

Here we are, pulling into
Houston Intercontinental Airport,

or, as some of you may know it,
George Bush Intercontinental Airport.

I thought we were
supposed to park in this lot,

but we were actually
supposed to park in this lot.

Three tickets to
St. Louis, please.

Silly me. Forgot to
take off the lens cap.

Lens cap. Lens cap. Lens cap.

[Cheyenne] Barbra Jean, that's
beautiful. [Barbra Jean] Isn't it?

It's a picture of the
postcard I saw in the airport.

Now, as some of you may know,

St. Louis was once the shoe
manufacturing center of the world.

So I thought it might be fun to
take some pictures of our trip...

from the point of
view of our feet.

Here we are on the banks
of the mighty Mississippi.

Hoofing it to the Gateway Arch.

Three tickets to
the arch, please.

[Brock] Reba's trying to leave.

[Reba] I am not! I was
going to the bathroom.

[Barbra Jean] There will be
plenty of time for bathroom breaks...

during the first intermission.
[Reba] You are so dead, Brock.

[Barbra Jean] Oh, this
is a homeless guy I met.

Lens cap again. Hello there.

Who's this happy fella?

The St. Louis squirrels
were very friendly.

I thought this one looked
like a young Bobby De Niro.

Are you looking at me? [Laughs]

Are you looking at me?

Acme! [Coughing]