Randy Cunningham: 9th Grade Ninja (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 7 - Monster Dump - full transcript
¶ Go, ninja! ¶
[Randy] I was chosen
to protect my school
from the forces of evil.
I am the ninja.
I am Randy Cunningham.
¶ Smoke bomb ¶
¶ It's four pm
and I'm still at school ¶
¶ It's all good
I ain't P-Slim's fool ¶
¶ I can't remember
when I was ever bored-er ¶
¶ 'Cause I got a terminal case
of detention deficit disorder ¶
¶ I got that
detention deficit disorder ¶
¶ I got it bad ¶
[up-tempo solo plays]
[both panting]
[crowd cheers on keyboard]
- We are 30 Seconds to Math!
- Good night!
Man, I cannot wait to win
the Battle of the Bands,
and shove it
in my sister's face!
- She wins every year.
- Not this year.
Tonight,
30 Seconds to Math
joins Norrisville's
rock elite,
permanently markered
on the Stall of Fame.
Let's take it
from the top.
Sorry, boys.
Got a Code Orange
in my bucket here.
I'd get outta splashin'
distance if I was you.
[both groan]
- [mumbling indistinctly]
- [humming]
What's got five nipples
and is gonna win the
Battle of the Bands?
[both] These guys!
Lock it up!
Now that we've
locked it up,
I'd like to take a moment
to talk to you about NNS.
- NN what?
- Ninja No-Show.
It's a friendship
threatening condition
where two bros are about
to do something awesome,
but one bro ninjas out
and totally blows it!
By the way,
you're the ninja, bro.
What? I don't do that!
- [grunts] Oh, NNS!
- [laughter]
Swing!
[humming, whistling]
NNS! [screaming]
[both chortling]
- NNS!
- [laughter]
Ninja leap!
OK, you know I may have
NNS'd on occasion,
but tonight's the
Battle of the Bands.
No way will I NNS!
Swear it, Cunningham!
Swear it on my beats!
- [up-tempo beats playing]
- On your beats.
Now let's go back in there
and get our rehearsal on!
All yours, boys. Try to
breathe through your mouths.
Maybe we should
take a fiver.
[stomach grumbles]
Let's make it a tenner.
- Gotta visit the Stall of Fame.
- [toilet flushes]
Do not NNS!
[panting]
Robo-Ape? I can't NNS.
I took a beat oath.
Ten minutes... I can do this.
Smoke bomb!
I have no idea what you
Robo-Apes are up to,
but I'm not gonna
let you get away with it.
- Ninja slice!
- [grunts]
Yah!
Ninja kamas.
- Oh-oh.
- Ninja scarf-stopper.
Yah!
Tell me what McFist's
got cookin'.
I don't know the whole menu.
I only handle appetizers.
- That a joke, Robo-Ape?
- No, Ninja, we're caterers.
We're catering the
Battle of the Bands.
"McFist Finger Foods, a division
of McFist Industries"?
Yeah, sure.
If you guys are caterers,
then how do you explain
this crate full of...
...cocktail weenies.
Well, looks my job here is...
Smoke bomb!
Hey, Howard.
Everything good?
Fantastic.
OK, cool. Let's rock.
One, two, three...
- [fast-paced riff]
- Hmm...
Howard, are you ready
to rock or what?
Oh, I was ready to rock...
a billion minutes ago.
- There were these Robo-Apes...
- So you did NNS!
Only a little. It looked
like they were up to something,
but turns out they
were up to nothing. All good!
Not good!
That's a UNNS!
- Hmm?
- Unnecessary Ninja No-Show!
I am an awesome
drum machinist,
maybe the best ever,
but I cannot
battle those bands alone!
You won't be alone.
I won't NNS.
- Robo-Ape!
- I'm on it.
- Huh?
- I knew it!
You didn't just
break a beat oath,
- you broke up our band.
- Howard...
[grumbles]
[groans]
What the juice, Nomicon?
I try to be a good ninja, fail.
I try to be a good friend,
double fail.
What am I supposed to do?
[screaming]
[laughing]
"Friendship is a weight
the ninja cannot carry."
Forget it, Nomicon.
That is all kinds of wrong.
[roaring]
[shouts, groans]
The ninja just took down
our entire catering division.
This is a disaster!
I'll say, it's the height
of Bar Mitzvah season.
We need a new way
to smuggle the True-hickey
- into the Battle of the Bands.
- It's called a Truth Tone.
It resonates at a frequency
which tickles the truth-lobe
of your fallacy cortex.
- So when the ninja hears it...
- Yeah, he'll be forced to
tell us who he is.
I know how it works!
Yo, McFist, I need new
turntables. Gimme money.
What happened to the ones
I bought you last week?
- Jumped on 'em!
- [straining]
Hannibal,
perhaps you should
give the boy
some turntables.
I'm trying to teach the boy
responsibility here.
Where's your money hole?!
Whoo-hoo! Found it!
[chortling]
- What's the secret numbers?
- Ha! Like I'd ever tell you!
[tone plays]
Forty-six, 23, 44, 14.
Why'd I just tell him?
Whoo! Jackpot! [laughs]
Nice work, Viceroy!
Now he's going to buy
new turntables, and...
...we can plant
the Truth Phone on them
at the Battle of the Bands!
- This is my best plan ever!
- Your plan? But I... [groans]
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- Man, they are bro's.
That's why they're so good...
[Randy] I know a power
synth duo that can beat 'em.
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- 'Course the drum machinist
would have to forgive the keytar
player for being a total wonk.
How do I know
I can trust you?
Because the Nomicon
told me not to be here.
- But I'm here.
- I never liked that book.
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- Get ready for it, Viceroy.
Bash is about to play
the truth frequency.
The ninja will soon be ours!
It appears Bash is having
a turntable malfunction.
He's having a
brain malfunction!
Find an act with an
instrument that works.
My guitar is missing!
Has anybody seen it?
It's dark pink
with light pink skulls
and a pink strap that says
"Heidi Weinerman"
- in hot pink letters...
- Huh?
What the juice?
[groans]
No, I will not NNS.
I'll just check it out and be
back before Howard even notices.
Hey, I got a surprise for you.
Remember my awesome drum solo?
It's now three minutes
awesomer, buddy. Buddy?
Are you kidding me?
We are done!
[techno music plays]
Smoke bomb!
I'm pretty sure that guitar
doesn't belong to you.
- Heidi said we could borrow it?
- You're lying, Robo-Ape.
And now you're getting
ninja punched!
[shouting] Yah!
[growling] Get him.
Up next is the 9th grade
powersynth duo,
- 30 Seconds to Math!
- [audience cheers]
[whispering] We're done.
The band's broken up.
He Yoko Ono'd.
Apparently 30 Seconds
to Math has broken up,
something to do with betrayal
and "that selfish wonk,
Randy Cunningham," so...
Put your hands together for
Julian and his creepy theremin!
[eerie music plays]
Boo! I said, "Boo."
Yah!
[screeching]
I have a sword,
you have monkey hands.
Hardly seems fair.
OK, that's fair.
[grunting]
[growling]
Uh, what's with the whisk?
I was designed
to run the omelet bar.
Ow, that stings.
Stupid Cunningham reunites the
band just to break it up again.
Aw, I dropped my pluot!
This day just
keeps getting worse.
The Robo-Apes have gone
missing, and you still
haven't planted our
musical mind-control device!
Haven't I...?
As soon as she
hits the right frequency,
we'll pop the question,
and the ninja will out himself.
[gasps] I gotta warn
that jerk, Randy.
Yah! Ninja rings.
What's up, N-Ville!
I would like to dedicate my song
to whoever returned my guitar.
This jam is about the ninja.
While we can't all be the ninja,
if we work super hard
and totally together,
we can all be
a little bit like him.
[panting]
[screams]
You need to get
out of here, Cunningham.
I know you're mad,
and you have every
right to be... Hey!
¶ He wears a mask
but don't we all? ¶
¶ When he's not around
we have to stand tall ¶
¶ You've got the ninja in you ¶
Stop pushing me,
I'm trying to apologize!
Save it! Right now
you need to leave.
Bad stuff is gonna happen.
You mean the Robo-Apes?
I took care of that.
That's why I ninja
no-showed, and...
Why are you cramming
cupcakes in my ear?
¶ ...inside of us all ¶
¶ There's a ninja
inside of us all ¶
- ¶ There's a ninja inside... ¶
- Yes, yes, it's working!
[clears throat] Check, two.
One, two. Check, two.
Who is the ninja?
I'm the ninja!
Why did I say that?
- [groans, moans]
- [bell rings]
And I am the ninja!
And you're the ninja.
And you're the ninja.
And you're the ninja.
There's a ninja inside us all!
[all] I am the ninja.
I am the ninja.
I am the ninja.
I am the ninja.
They can't all be the ninja!
They genuinely believe
the ninja is inside them.
[grumbling] We've been
bested by a catchy pop hook!
- ¶ There's a ninja
inside us all ¶
- [all] I am the ninja.
- Howard, now I'll never win!
- Rock and roll!
Listen, Howard...
The Nomicon told me
a ninja can't have friends,
but no ninja's
ever had a friend like you.
Uh, are we gonna rock?
'Cause this is
startin' to get awkward.
- [synth music plays]
- Prepare your ears for...
[both] 30 Seconds to Math!
¶ Detention deficit disorder ¶¶
[birds cawing]
[drum music plays]
Yah!
- [roars]
- One of us picked a bad day
to be a Komodo Dragon
in shogun armor.
Prepare to get air fisted. OK.
First, separate the clouds...
- [roars]
- ...gather the fallen wind...
...and free the chicken.
[laughing] I can't, I can't!
Free the chicken?!
What am I supposed
to do with that?
Yah! [grunts]
Alright, alright, alright.
Clouds, wind, chicken.
[chortles] Chicken!
OK, OK, OK. I'm gonna
do it this time for real.
[roars]
Come on, Nomicon!
The air fist is
ruining my ninja steeze!
"Respect is the key
that opens all doors."
OK, one, who said
anything about doors?
That's completely off-topic.
And, two, nobody's
gonna respect the ninja
if he looks like a
chicken- tossing shoob.
Whoa...
Just sayin'. Huh?
- [alarm wails]
- We're under attack!
There's a monster on campus!
Everybody leave your belongings
and exit the building.
[all screaming]
- Ah! What the juice?
- You got a death wish, kid?
Nothing in that bag
is worth dying for.
Come on,
it's just right there...
- Aah!
- And the exit is right there!
Alright, alright.
Move it!
[all shouting]
We're all doomed!
- Finally! Doomed!
- Push, shove, trample!
Help! Don't panic, I'm sure the
ninja will be here any minute.
I mean, he's probably
just a little held up...
- It's the ninja.
- Me? I'm not...
- Why would you even think that?
- We're saved!
What the ninja?
- Students of Norrisville.
- Huh?
- Check it out!
- Weinerman?
Yeah, we're all dead.
Why are you
dressed like that?
Yup. Monster Drill.
And guess who Slimovitz
picked to be the ninja?
Spoiler alert... It's me.
[laughing]
This is so funny,
it's beyond funny.
I know, I know.
I mean, you're lazy,
you're slow,
- you don't like to sweat.
- I don't! I really don't!
You as a ninja...
You as a ninja!
Ha, I know... yes... me...
That suit.
You look ridiculous.
- It's not that funny.
- It is, it really is.
Best. Surprise. Ever.
I have not laughed
this hard in a long time.
You as the ninja...
This is awesome!
Wait, you're not mad, are you?
No! No, I'm not mad.
I'm not mad at all.
Now, if you're finished,
I have to take my ridiculous
self to the Monster Drill.
See that sounds like mad.
[Viceroy] Oh, Francesca.
Will you and the stable boy
ever find true love?
Viceroy,
what are you doing?
You have reached Viceroy.
I can't get to the phone
because I'm attempting to enjoy
the only day of vacation
my unethical boss
gives me each year.
Leave a message after the tone.
- Tone.
- Quit messing around!
The Slaying Mantis just
came back from the shop.
I want to take it
out for a spin.
You know, kick the tires.
Destroy the ninja.
And I'd be more than happy
to do that... when I get back.
Fine I'll do it myself!
It doesn't take an evil genius
to drive a tactical
assault arthropod.
Ha-ha!
- You forgot to open the case.
- Aren't you on vacation?!
Welcome to Norrisville High's
annual Monster Drill.
Had this been a real attack,
you would've all been monstered.
Which is why we're
gonna practice having
a safe day, the NINJA way.
"N. Nobody panic."
"I. I insist, nobody panic."
"N. Nobody,
and I mean nobody panic."
"J. Just don't panic, nobody."
And I can't stress this last one
highly enough,
"A. And get out of
the ninja's way."
C'mon, Howard,
don't be so sensitive.
This is our thing.
This is what we do!
Oh, no, Cunningham.
This time
you crossed the line!
So now that you know
what to do in a monster attack,
let's practice.
Where is my monster?
- [roars]
- Save it for the show, Bucky.
[straining]
Stupid monster hands.
I'm all claws.
[indistinct chattering]
You promised a monster!
I'm getting wicked bored!
I'm gonna start acting out soon.
[all] Boring, boring...
My monster's
running late. Stall!
I got your back, P-Slimmy.
S'up, Norrisville!
I am the ninja!
I think I'm better
than everyone else.
I do unnecessary flips.
I'm a huge show off.
His flips are
totally unnecessary.
One time I saw him run on
the ceiling for no reason.
I'm sure he had a reason.
Nobody runs on the
ceiling for no reason.
I do more damage to this school
- than the monsters.
- [laughter]
- My car could tell you that.
- [car horn beeps]
I'm 800 years old,
which was the last time
this scarf was in style.
- [humming]
- Hey!
The scarf is a
serious ninja tool!
Plus it's cool! It's cool!
Hey, everybody. Smoke bomb!
- [flatulence]
- [all laugh]
This guy's way funnier
than the real ninja.
[shouting indistinctly]
Left! No wait, right! [groans]
Why did you give
this thing bug eyes?
Never gives me a problem.
There, got it! Onward!
- You smashed a...
- I know!
Ooh! Look at my ninja rings.
I'm the prettiest ninja
in all of ninjaland!
Clearly, the ninja
upset you in some way,
and I'm sure
he's really sorry about it.
Oh, he's gonna be sorry.
I'm just getting started.
[roaring]
Finally, our practice monster.
Kudos to Mr. Smith's
metal shop class.
OK, places everyone,
and remember,
- N. Nobody panic!
- Alright, alright.
I'm gonna have to get
knocked around by this thing
a few times before
I learn how to beat it.
Huh? Whoa, wait a minute.
Mr. Smith's class can't
even build a birdhouse.
[chirping]
- [shouts]
- [Hannibal] Outta my way, kid!
[gasps] McFist.
Looks like it's ninja time...
My suit's in the library!
Get ready to taste ninja sword!
[groans]
Why's he waggling
that salami at us?
Does the ninja
look different to you?
All ninjas
look the same to me.
Sector two is student-free,
moving on to sector three.
- Hey, that rhymes.
- Screech!
Hiyah! Hiyah!
Try to stay on your feet,
Hensletter.
We've got a crowd
to entertain here.
Ninja whap! [humming]
That was humiliating.
I could come back early from
my one lousy day off to help,
but in return, I'd need, oh,
say, an extra
two weeks of vacation.
- Never!
- Time for a smoke bomb.
- [zipper unzipping]
- Ew... Fine!
Whatever you want.
Two weeks. Just get in here!
Mm-hmm.
[screams]
[grunts] Wow!
Nice move, you two.
[woman] Moving on to sector L.
[girl]
Just take the gloves off, Bucky.
[Bucky] If I lose the character,
I'll never get it back.
[panting] Hello ninja-o-clock!
Ow.
And that's why we
don't run in the halls.
Ooh. Hey, band geeks,
take it down a notch!
This was the deli's last sword.
[Slimovitz] My car!
- Missiles, really?!
- That's a real monster!
Real monster!
Everybody panic!
- You gotta let me go!
- I don't gotta do anything.
I'm a certified
band instructor,
and you have no respect
for the baton.
No respect for the rules.
No respect.
Respect is the key
that opens all doors.
- What'd you say to me?
- You're right.
I wasn't
respecting the baton,
or Howard,
or the Nomicon,
or anything!
- It's all about respect.
- I finally got through to one.
- [shouts]
- [grunts]
I'm not the ninja!
Not the ninja! [grunts]
[all screaming]
Smoke bomb!
- The real ninja!
- You gotta save us!
This drill stinks!
[yells]
[grunts] Separate the clouds,
gather the fallen wind...
Ha-ha! Looks like the
ninja's makin' a Mr. Grumpy.
Right?
Am I right?
Come on,
you know I'm right.
Tuning them out, focusing,
freeing the chicken...
And ninja air fist!
Sorry! I was
aiming for the mantis.
[growling]
Ninja stab! Ninja stab!
Ninja stab! Ninja stab!
Ninja dodge!
Ninja dodge! Ninja dodge!
[muttering, grunting]
[both moaning]
Howard, sorry about earlier.
I shouldn't have
said that stuff.
I don't think you being
the ninja is ridiculous.
No, it is!
It's completely ridiculous!
I don't wanna be
the ninja anymore.
You be the ninja.
And it was more
about your tone...
[screams]
You can take my swords, but
you'll never take my air fist!
[cheering]
- What are you lookin' at?
- I'll be takin' those two weeks
startin' now,
if you don't mind.
Mmm-hmm.
[humming] Brrr.
Mmm, that's cold.
- [all] Ninja! Ninja! Ninja!
- Drill's over.
- Back to class.
- [moaning]
Howard, I want you
to know I respect you,
but I'm still
gonna make fun of you.
Wouldn't have it
any other way.
- Nice scarf.
- It came with the suit!
Grr! We are the monster!
- Monster!
- Air fist!
[both moan]
- That smarts.
- Uh-oh. Now what?
I'm thinkin' smoke bomb.
You know what?
I respect that.
Smoke bomb!
[rock music plays]
Chirp.
[rock music plays]
[Randy] I was chosen
to protect my school
from the forces of evil.
I am the ninja.
I am Randy Cunningham.
¶ Smoke bomb ¶
¶ It's four pm
and I'm still at school ¶
¶ It's all good
I ain't P-Slim's fool ¶
¶ I can't remember
when I was ever bored-er ¶
¶ 'Cause I got a terminal case
of detention deficit disorder ¶
¶ I got that
detention deficit disorder ¶
¶ I got it bad ¶
[up-tempo solo plays]
[both panting]
[crowd cheers on keyboard]
- We are 30 Seconds to Math!
- Good night!
Man, I cannot wait to win
the Battle of the Bands,
and shove it
in my sister's face!
- She wins every year.
- Not this year.
Tonight,
30 Seconds to Math
joins Norrisville's
rock elite,
permanently markered
on the Stall of Fame.
Let's take it
from the top.
Sorry, boys.
Got a Code Orange
in my bucket here.
I'd get outta splashin'
distance if I was you.
[both groan]
- [mumbling indistinctly]
- [humming]
What's got five nipples
and is gonna win the
Battle of the Bands?
[both] These guys!
Lock it up!
Now that we've
locked it up,
I'd like to take a moment
to talk to you about NNS.
- NN what?
- Ninja No-Show.
It's a friendship
threatening condition
where two bros are about
to do something awesome,
but one bro ninjas out
and totally blows it!
By the way,
you're the ninja, bro.
What? I don't do that!
- [grunts] Oh, NNS!
- [laughter]
Swing!
[humming, whistling]
NNS! [screaming]
[both chortling]
- NNS!
- [laughter]
Ninja leap!
OK, you know I may have
NNS'd on occasion,
but tonight's the
Battle of the Bands.
No way will I NNS!
Swear it, Cunningham!
Swear it on my beats!
- [up-tempo beats playing]
- On your beats.
Now let's go back in there
and get our rehearsal on!
All yours, boys. Try to
breathe through your mouths.
Maybe we should
take a fiver.
[stomach grumbles]
Let's make it a tenner.
- Gotta visit the Stall of Fame.
- [toilet flushes]
Do not NNS!
[panting]
Robo-Ape? I can't NNS.
I took a beat oath.
Ten minutes... I can do this.
Smoke bomb!
I have no idea what you
Robo-Apes are up to,
but I'm not gonna
let you get away with it.
- Ninja slice!
- [grunts]
Yah!
Ninja kamas.
- Oh-oh.
- Ninja scarf-stopper.
Yah!
Tell me what McFist's
got cookin'.
I don't know the whole menu.
I only handle appetizers.
- That a joke, Robo-Ape?
- No, Ninja, we're caterers.
We're catering the
Battle of the Bands.
"McFist Finger Foods, a division
of McFist Industries"?
Yeah, sure.
If you guys are caterers,
then how do you explain
this crate full of...
...cocktail weenies.
Well, looks my job here is...
Smoke bomb!
Hey, Howard.
Everything good?
Fantastic.
OK, cool. Let's rock.
One, two, three...
- [fast-paced riff]
- Hmm...
Howard, are you ready
to rock or what?
Oh, I was ready to rock...
a billion minutes ago.
- There were these Robo-Apes...
- So you did NNS!
Only a little. It looked
like they were up to something,
but turns out they
were up to nothing. All good!
Not good!
That's a UNNS!
- Hmm?
- Unnecessary Ninja No-Show!
I am an awesome
drum machinist,
maybe the best ever,
but I cannot
battle those bands alone!
You won't be alone.
I won't NNS.
- Robo-Ape!
- I'm on it.
- Huh?
- I knew it!
You didn't just
break a beat oath,
- you broke up our band.
- Howard...
[grumbles]
[groans]
What the juice, Nomicon?
I try to be a good ninja, fail.
I try to be a good friend,
double fail.
What am I supposed to do?
[screaming]
[laughing]
"Friendship is a weight
the ninja cannot carry."
Forget it, Nomicon.
That is all kinds of wrong.
[roaring]
[shouts, groans]
The ninja just took down
our entire catering division.
This is a disaster!
I'll say, it's the height
of Bar Mitzvah season.
We need a new way
to smuggle the True-hickey
- into the Battle of the Bands.
- It's called a Truth Tone.
It resonates at a frequency
which tickles the truth-lobe
of your fallacy cortex.
- So when the ninja hears it...
- Yeah, he'll be forced to
tell us who he is.
I know how it works!
Yo, McFist, I need new
turntables. Gimme money.
What happened to the ones
I bought you last week?
- Jumped on 'em!
- [straining]
Hannibal,
perhaps you should
give the boy
some turntables.
I'm trying to teach the boy
responsibility here.
Where's your money hole?!
Whoo-hoo! Found it!
[chortling]
- What's the secret numbers?
- Ha! Like I'd ever tell you!
[tone plays]
Forty-six, 23, 44, 14.
Why'd I just tell him?
Whoo! Jackpot! [laughs]
Nice work, Viceroy!
Now he's going to buy
new turntables, and...
...we can plant
the Truth Phone on them
at the Battle of the Bands!
- This is my best plan ever!
- Your plan? But I... [groans]
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- Man, they are bro's.
That's why they're so good...
[Randy] I know a power
synth duo that can beat 'em.
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- 'Course the drum machinist
would have to forgive the keytar
player for being a total wonk.
How do I know
I can trust you?
Because the Nomicon
told me not to be here.
- But I'm here.
- I never liked that book.
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- ¶ We're your bro's, yo! ¶
- ¶ Who are my bro's, yo?! ¶
- Get ready for it, Viceroy.
Bash is about to play
the truth frequency.
The ninja will soon be ours!
It appears Bash is having
a turntable malfunction.
He's having a
brain malfunction!
Find an act with an
instrument that works.
My guitar is missing!
Has anybody seen it?
It's dark pink
with light pink skulls
and a pink strap that says
"Heidi Weinerman"
- in hot pink letters...
- Huh?
What the juice?
[groans]
No, I will not NNS.
I'll just check it out and be
back before Howard even notices.
Hey, I got a surprise for you.
Remember my awesome drum solo?
It's now three minutes
awesomer, buddy. Buddy?
Are you kidding me?
We are done!
[techno music plays]
Smoke bomb!
I'm pretty sure that guitar
doesn't belong to you.
- Heidi said we could borrow it?
- You're lying, Robo-Ape.
And now you're getting
ninja punched!
[shouting] Yah!
[growling] Get him.
Up next is the 9th grade
powersynth duo,
- 30 Seconds to Math!
- [audience cheers]
[whispering] We're done.
The band's broken up.
He Yoko Ono'd.
Apparently 30 Seconds
to Math has broken up,
something to do with betrayal
and "that selfish wonk,
Randy Cunningham," so...
Put your hands together for
Julian and his creepy theremin!
[eerie music plays]
Boo! I said, "Boo."
Yah!
[screeching]
I have a sword,
you have monkey hands.
Hardly seems fair.
OK, that's fair.
[grunting]
[growling]
Uh, what's with the whisk?
I was designed
to run the omelet bar.
Ow, that stings.
Stupid Cunningham reunites the
band just to break it up again.
Aw, I dropped my pluot!
This day just
keeps getting worse.
The Robo-Apes have gone
missing, and you still
haven't planted our
musical mind-control device!
Haven't I...?
As soon as she
hits the right frequency,
we'll pop the question,
and the ninja will out himself.
[gasps] I gotta warn
that jerk, Randy.
Yah! Ninja rings.
What's up, N-Ville!
I would like to dedicate my song
to whoever returned my guitar.
This jam is about the ninja.
While we can't all be the ninja,
if we work super hard
and totally together,
we can all be
a little bit like him.
[panting]
[screams]
You need to get
out of here, Cunningham.
I know you're mad,
and you have every
right to be... Hey!
¶ He wears a mask
but don't we all? ¶
¶ When he's not around
we have to stand tall ¶
¶ You've got the ninja in you ¶
Stop pushing me,
I'm trying to apologize!
Save it! Right now
you need to leave.
Bad stuff is gonna happen.
You mean the Robo-Apes?
I took care of that.
That's why I ninja
no-showed, and...
Why are you cramming
cupcakes in my ear?
¶ ...inside of us all ¶
¶ There's a ninja
inside of us all ¶
- ¶ There's a ninja inside... ¶
- Yes, yes, it's working!
[clears throat] Check, two.
One, two. Check, two.
Who is the ninja?
I'm the ninja!
Why did I say that?
- [groans, moans]
- [bell rings]
And I am the ninja!
And you're the ninja.
And you're the ninja.
And you're the ninja.
There's a ninja inside us all!
[all] I am the ninja.
I am the ninja.
I am the ninja.
I am the ninja.
They can't all be the ninja!
They genuinely believe
the ninja is inside them.
[grumbling] We've been
bested by a catchy pop hook!
- ¶ There's a ninja
inside us all ¶
- [all] I am the ninja.
- Howard, now I'll never win!
- Rock and roll!
Listen, Howard...
The Nomicon told me
a ninja can't have friends,
but no ninja's
ever had a friend like you.
Uh, are we gonna rock?
'Cause this is
startin' to get awkward.
- [synth music plays]
- Prepare your ears for...
[both] 30 Seconds to Math!
¶ Detention deficit disorder ¶¶
[birds cawing]
[drum music plays]
Yah!
- [roars]
- One of us picked a bad day
to be a Komodo Dragon
in shogun armor.
Prepare to get air fisted. OK.
First, separate the clouds...
- [roars]
- ...gather the fallen wind...
...and free the chicken.
[laughing] I can't, I can't!
Free the chicken?!
What am I supposed
to do with that?
Yah! [grunts]
Alright, alright, alright.
Clouds, wind, chicken.
[chortles] Chicken!
OK, OK, OK. I'm gonna
do it this time for real.
[roars]
Come on, Nomicon!
The air fist is
ruining my ninja steeze!
"Respect is the key
that opens all doors."
OK, one, who said
anything about doors?
That's completely off-topic.
And, two, nobody's
gonna respect the ninja
if he looks like a
chicken- tossing shoob.
Whoa...
Just sayin'. Huh?
- [alarm wails]
- We're under attack!
There's a monster on campus!
Everybody leave your belongings
and exit the building.
[all screaming]
- Ah! What the juice?
- You got a death wish, kid?
Nothing in that bag
is worth dying for.
Come on,
it's just right there...
- Aah!
- And the exit is right there!
Alright, alright.
Move it!
[all shouting]
We're all doomed!
- Finally! Doomed!
- Push, shove, trample!
Help! Don't panic, I'm sure the
ninja will be here any minute.
I mean, he's probably
just a little held up...
- It's the ninja.
- Me? I'm not...
- Why would you even think that?
- We're saved!
What the ninja?
- Students of Norrisville.
- Huh?
- Check it out!
- Weinerman?
Yeah, we're all dead.
Why are you
dressed like that?
Yup. Monster Drill.
And guess who Slimovitz
picked to be the ninja?
Spoiler alert... It's me.
[laughing]
This is so funny,
it's beyond funny.
I know, I know.
I mean, you're lazy,
you're slow,
- you don't like to sweat.
- I don't! I really don't!
You as a ninja...
You as a ninja!
Ha, I know... yes... me...
That suit.
You look ridiculous.
- It's not that funny.
- It is, it really is.
Best. Surprise. Ever.
I have not laughed
this hard in a long time.
You as the ninja...
This is awesome!
Wait, you're not mad, are you?
No! No, I'm not mad.
I'm not mad at all.
Now, if you're finished,
I have to take my ridiculous
self to the Monster Drill.
See that sounds like mad.
[Viceroy] Oh, Francesca.
Will you and the stable boy
ever find true love?
Viceroy,
what are you doing?
You have reached Viceroy.
I can't get to the phone
because I'm attempting to enjoy
the only day of vacation
my unethical boss
gives me each year.
Leave a message after the tone.
- Tone.
- Quit messing around!
The Slaying Mantis just
came back from the shop.
I want to take it
out for a spin.
You know, kick the tires.
Destroy the ninja.
And I'd be more than happy
to do that... when I get back.
Fine I'll do it myself!
It doesn't take an evil genius
to drive a tactical
assault arthropod.
Ha-ha!
- You forgot to open the case.
- Aren't you on vacation?!
Welcome to Norrisville High's
annual Monster Drill.
Had this been a real attack,
you would've all been monstered.
Which is why we're
gonna practice having
a safe day, the NINJA way.
"N. Nobody panic."
"I. I insist, nobody panic."
"N. Nobody,
and I mean nobody panic."
"J. Just don't panic, nobody."
And I can't stress this last one
highly enough,
"A. And get out of
the ninja's way."
C'mon, Howard,
don't be so sensitive.
This is our thing.
This is what we do!
Oh, no, Cunningham.
This time
you crossed the line!
So now that you know
what to do in a monster attack,
let's practice.
Where is my monster?
- [roars]
- Save it for the show, Bucky.
[straining]
Stupid monster hands.
I'm all claws.
[indistinct chattering]
You promised a monster!
I'm getting wicked bored!
I'm gonna start acting out soon.
[all] Boring, boring...
My monster's
running late. Stall!
I got your back, P-Slimmy.
S'up, Norrisville!
I am the ninja!
I think I'm better
than everyone else.
I do unnecessary flips.
I'm a huge show off.
His flips are
totally unnecessary.
One time I saw him run on
the ceiling for no reason.
I'm sure he had a reason.
Nobody runs on the
ceiling for no reason.
I do more damage to this school
- than the monsters.
- [laughter]
- My car could tell you that.
- [car horn beeps]
I'm 800 years old,
which was the last time
this scarf was in style.
- [humming]
- Hey!
The scarf is a
serious ninja tool!
Plus it's cool! It's cool!
Hey, everybody. Smoke bomb!
- [flatulence]
- [all laugh]
This guy's way funnier
than the real ninja.
[shouting indistinctly]
Left! No wait, right! [groans]
Why did you give
this thing bug eyes?
Never gives me a problem.
There, got it! Onward!
- You smashed a...
- I know!
Ooh! Look at my ninja rings.
I'm the prettiest ninja
in all of ninjaland!
Clearly, the ninja
upset you in some way,
and I'm sure
he's really sorry about it.
Oh, he's gonna be sorry.
I'm just getting started.
[roaring]
Finally, our practice monster.
Kudos to Mr. Smith's
metal shop class.
OK, places everyone,
and remember,
- N. Nobody panic!
- Alright, alright.
I'm gonna have to get
knocked around by this thing
a few times before
I learn how to beat it.
Huh? Whoa, wait a minute.
Mr. Smith's class can't
even build a birdhouse.
[chirping]
- [shouts]
- [Hannibal] Outta my way, kid!
[gasps] McFist.
Looks like it's ninja time...
My suit's in the library!
Get ready to taste ninja sword!
[groans]
Why's he waggling
that salami at us?
Does the ninja
look different to you?
All ninjas
look the same to me.
Sector two is student-free,
moving on to sector three.
- Hey, that rhymes.
- Screech!
Hiyah! Hiyah!
Try to stay on your feet,
Hensletter.
We've got a crowd
to entertain here.
Ninja whap! [humming]
That was humiliating.
I could come back early from
my one lousy day off to help,
but in return, I'd need, oh,
say, an extra
two weeks of vacation.
- Never!
- Time for a smoke bomb.
- [zipper unzipping]
- Ew... Fine!
Whatever you want.
Two weeks. Just get in here!
Mm-hmm.
[screams]
[grunts] Wow!
Nice move, you two.
[woman] Moving on to sector L.
[girl]
Just take the gloves off, Bucky.
[Bucky] If I lose the character,
I'll never get it back.
[panting] Hello ninja-o-clock!
Ow.
And that's why we
don't run in the halls.
Ooh. Hey, band geeks,
take it down a notch!
This was the deli's last sword.
[Slimovitz] My car!
- Missiles, really?!
- That's a real monster!
Real monster!
Everybody panic!
- You gotta let me go!
- I don't gotta do anything.
I'm a certified
band instructor,
and you have no respect
for the baton.
No respect for the rules.
No respect.
Respect is the key
that opens all doors.
- What'd you say to me?
- You're right.
I wasn't
respecting the baton,
or Howard,
or the Nomicon,
or anything!
- It's all about respect.
- I finally got through to one.
- [shouts]
- [grunts]
I'm not the ninja!
Not the ninja! [grunts]
[all screaming]
Smoke bomb!
- The real ninja!
- You gotta save us!
This drill stinks!
[yells]
[grunts] Separate the clouds,
gather the fallen wind...
Ha-ha! Looks like the
ninja's makin' a Mr. Grumpy.
Right?
Am I right?
Come on,
you know I'm right.
Tuning them out, focusing,
freeing the chicken...
And ninja air fist!
Sorry! I was
aiming for the mantis.
[growling]
Ninja stab! Ninja stab!
Ninja stab! Ninja stab!
Ninja dodge!
Ninja dodge! Ninja dodge!
[muttering, grunting]
[both moaning]
Howard, sorry about earlier.
I shouldn't have
said that stuff.
I don't think you being
the ninja is ridiculous.
No, it is!
It's completely ridiculous!
I don't wanna be
the ninja anymore.
You be the ninja.
And it was more
about your tone...
[screams]
You can take my swords, but
you'll never take my air fist!
[cheering]
- What are you lookin' at?
- I'll be takin' those two weeks
startin' now,
if you don't mind.
Mmm-hmm.
[humming] Brrr.
Mmm, that's cold.
- [all] Ninja! Ninja! Ninja!
- Drill's over.
- Back to class.
- [moaning]
Howard, I want you
to know I respect you,
but I'm still
gonna make fun of you.
Wouldn't have it
any other way.
- Nice scarf.
- It came with the suit!
Grr! We are the monster!
- Monster!
- Air fist!
[both moan]
- That smarts.
- Uh-oh. Now what?
I'm thinkin' smoke bomb.
You know what?
I respect that.
Smoke bomb!
[rock music plays]
Chirp.
[rock music plays]