Randy Cunningham: 9th Grade Ninja (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 6 - House of 1,000 Boogers - full transcript

¶ Go, ninja! ¶

[Randy] I was chosen
to protect my school

from the forces of evil.

I am the ninja.

I am Randy Cunningham.

¶ Smoke bomb ¶

How Bruce are these
McKicks?

Only the Bruce-ist
shoes ever!

McFist has made
yet another product

I literally
cannot live without.

We would totally die.



I mean, we're McFist men
from toes to teeth.

I've got McKicks,

McTighties, McSkinnies,

- McHoodies...
- McShorties, McTops.

I even got a mouthful
of McFillings.

McFistios is my
complete breakfast.

My ride of choice
is a McCedes. [grunts]

McFist is so Bruce!
He's the cheese!

His name should be
Bruce McCheese.

He is my hero.

Today is the day I destroy
the ninja forever!

I presume you have a plan.

Of course we have a plan.
[whispering] What's the plan?

- I've come up...
- I've come up with...



What have I come up with?

We lure the ninja into a
custom made deadly trap

of my own devising.

Lure. Ninja. Trap.
My own devising!

Fool! How do you expect to
lure the ninja into a trap?

Yeah, what are we
going to use as bait?

- Fool.
- [grumbling] Bait?

Well, it would have to be
something important.

Something he has to save
like... a kitten!

[moans] I was thinking
a pillar of the community.

Someone beloved by all.

What? Like that monkey astronaut
down at the zoo?

[howling]

- He's not so great!
- I was referring to you.

Ooh, you really think I'm more
beloved than Neil Apestrong?

Silence!

If you want your reward,
you will destroy the ninja!

This better work, Viceroy.
I want my reward!

[Randy] Question:
Can McFist do anything wrong?

Answer: No. That is why
I'm his number one fan.

I thought you were the
ninja's number one fan?

Yeah, but I am the ninja.

I can't be my own
number one fan.

Ow! Building,
that's a building.

I am splitting at
the seams to present the new

- McFistory history pavilion.
- [applause]

Oh, come on!

- A history pavilion?
- Epic McFail.

This generous new addition
to our school is a gift

from beloved Norrisville
philanthropist, entrepreneurist,

and mustache enthusiast,
Hannibal McFist!

- [cheering]
- You're too kind.

This isn't about me,
this is about the children!

- [crickets chirping]
- [throats clearing]

Also, snack bar's
free till noon.

- [cheering]
- And he's back!

Hi, I'm Brock Octane.

The teleprompter I'm
reading says, "History.

It's all around us."

Like dinosaurs, the wheel,
and those guys with hats.

Whoa!

This pavilion
is filled with

interactive, animatronic
displays of famous
Norrisvillians.

That's right. History
even happens here...

- History...
- Is the cheese!

[all clamoring]

That's legendary Crushing Corp
quarterback, Johnny Bueno!

- Go deep, for history.
- So... lifelike.

And that's Norrisville's
sweetheart, Monica Mo.

Ooh... [blows kiss]

[whistling]

So lifelike.

Uh, who's the dude
hugging the cat?

[scoffs] Are you for reals?
That's famous adventurer

and author, Brawn Brickwall.
He was seriously hardcore.

[growling]

He just ate a
habanero pepper.

That's two hundred thousand
skullville units!

Behold the centerpiece
of the McFistory pavilion,

the most important person,
in Norrisville history...

- ...the ninja.
- [all] Wow!

Oh, check it out!
You are history.

Then why am I
getting a D in it?

Yes... I sure do love the ninja.

Why, if I were ever
in mortal peril,

I'd sure want
the ninja to save me.

[clears throat]
I'd want the
ninja to save me.

I'd want
the ninja to save me!

[screams] I'm in
mortal peril!

Less wedgie, Viceroy.

If it doesn't look real,
the trap won't work.

- [chuckles]
- [dings]

That robo-ninja's
got McFist!

It appears we are
experiencing a robot uprising,

At this time I invite all
students and faculty to...

- ...run for your lives!
- [all screaming]

Somebody get the ninja!
The real ninja!

[screaming continues]

What do I do?
What do I do?
What do I do?

NinjaNomicon!
I'll be behind that tree.

You can't go
Nomicon behind a tree.

- What are you, an animal?
- No, the NinjaNomicon.

The ancient book of
ninja wisdom. Heard of it?

[laughs] Oh! I thought
that was ninja code
for "bathroom."

[grunts]

[shouting]

- [laughing]
- [continues shouting]

What are those things?

"Beware the enemy
who wears a hero's mask."

That robo-ninja's no hero.
Don't worry, I'm on it!

[shrill shout]

[grunts] I have to save McFist.

If the ninja saves McFist,

think of all the
free stuff you'll get!

Just remember I'm a size six.

Smoke bomb!

Don't worry, Mr. McFist, the
real ninja's here to save you.

Mr. McFist? Robo-ninja?
Anybody? Where'd they go?

That can't be good.

It worked,
he's been duped!

- We pulled off a dupe!
- Almost like it was planned.

Ow! [grunts]
What the juice?

Johnny Bueno?

[grunts]

All right, Bueno,
let's do this.

- [shrieking]
- Ninja swing!

Monica Mo? But you're
Norrisville's sweetheart.

- [all] Destroy the ninja.
- Let's make history.

Viceroy,
here's how I see

the next five minutes
playing out.

Ninja destroyed,
Sorcerer escaped,

me, rewarded with
the superhuman ability
of my choosing.

Congratulations, sir,
I don't know how you did it.

Sometimes I amaze
even myself.

What kind of power
should I ask for?

How about the power
to recognize sarcasm?

Uh... When would I
ever use that?

[grunts]

- Oh...
- [shrieking]

Ah!

Duck, duck, duck.

[grunting]

[shrieking]

Yah! Monica was hot,
but that's ridiculous.

[grunts] Oh, come on,
that was a great line!

Boom!

As the robots are currently

mid-revolution,
your best chance of survival

is to do the robot
and talk like a robot.

[mimicking robotic voice]
Bleep-bloop,
pleased to meet you.

[horn honking]

- We're good, it's robot!
- [all cheering]

On the one hand,

the ability to fly
would be cool.

Then again, teleportation
has a nice ring to it.

I'm at the office, bam,
I'm in the lab, bam,

now I'm at the mall, bam!

Sir, you better
take a look at this.

[growling]

Stupid ninja
destroyed everything!

I just have to do it myself!
Get me the McSterminator!

This is the McSterminator?
It looks like a bolo tie.

Put it on.

[growls] These things
look ridiculous,

I've never been able
to pull them off.

Ooh! Now we're talking.

Hand over McFist,
giant robot who...

I'm sorry, what historical
Norrisvillian are you
supposed to be?

I'm the guy who
destroyed the ninja.

Nobody's ever destroyed the...

[mumbling]

No... OK...
No, I see what you're doing.

[growling]

[grunts]

- Hannibal McFist!
- [mumbling]

[gasps] It all makes sense.

The robots lured me here
by kidnapping you,

then they forced you
to fight me.

They did?
I mean, they did!

- Why would they do that?
- Uh... er...

[Randy] Beware the enemy
who wears a hero's mask.

But you can't be the enemy,
you're Hannibal McFist,

you manufacture awesome!

It's called McAwesome, actually,
it comes out next month.

Give me your home address
and I'll send you a case.

What better mask for an enemy

than that of the most
beloved man in town!

That's right, ninja.

The most beloved man in town
is about to

- blast you in the face!
- This can't be.

It can be. Ninjadom!

You're going down, McFist.
I'm telling everyone about you.

No one will believe you.

I'm Hannibal McFist,
lovable gazillionaire.

I own this town!

Then I'll just have to stop you,
right here, right now.

[screams]

Right now doesn't
really work for me.

Let's reschedule.
[screams indistinctly]

[grunting] Yah!

Did you save McFist?
Is he OK?

[all murmuring]

[groans softly]
Yes, McFist is safe.

- [all cheering]
- Smoke bomb.

It appears the killer robots
have been crushed!

Of course, this means we'll have
to go back to teaching history

the old-fashioned way.
Who feels like reading?!

- [all groan]
- [plays sad note]

[Howard] So Hannibal McFist
is a bad guy?

Really bad.
Like all the way bad.

My mind is blown,
totally blown!

Quick question: I know he's
your mortal enemy and all,

but we can still buy his
super Bruce stuff, right?

- No, we can't.
- [grumbles]

- What about the McAwesome?
- The ninja is boycotting it!

But Randy Cunningham
will be first in line!

How could I not be? It's got
"awesome" in the name.

Show yourself, McFist!

Just be quiet,
he'll go away.

- No, I won't!
- [Hannibal] Yes, he will.

[shouts indistinctly]

It is my duty as the ninja
to warn you that I am

currently in the zone,
and have been for about a week.

[screeches]

Oh, you don't believe me?
Let me tell you about Monday.

Ninja flashback.

Hiyah! Ninja eye-dios!

- [screams]
- Ninja double kick!

- [moaning]
- Yey!

- That was awesome!
- Uh-huh.

- Ninja, you are in the zone.
- The zone?

Ninja time chop!

[shouting]

Ch-ch-ch-chop!

It's nice knowing ya.

Well, what do you know,
I am in the zone.

[shouts indistinctly]

Yah! All right, you two...

...three spider things?
Are you guys spider things?

Let me introduce you
to the ba-boom zone.

Wednesday? Yeah, nothing
really happened Wednesday.

Point is, me, zone!
You don't want to do this.

[grunting]
I guess we're doing this.

Yah!

Ninja tail stab!
Thank you, thank you.

Told ya! Zone.

Yah!

Once again you send
an incompetent robot

to do a competent
robot's job!

Give me a break,
the ninja is en fuego.

You've lost a robot
every single day!

I didn't lose any on Wednesday.

That's because I took
the entire company
to Whoopee World.

- [screaming]
- [laughing]

I'm gonna hurl.

Like your Whoopee
Wednesdays, do you?

- Do I?!
- Well, if you ever
want another one,

you'll build me the
deadliest monster ever!

Huh.

[funk music plays]

Mm-hmm, OK. All right.

Feeling good, zone in.
What's up, green hat?

Mm-hmm.
OK, two, three girls!

[grunts] Guess who's
getting his Way-bot. Ha, ha.

Hey, look! It's that guy.

Hmm? That guy?
I hate that guy! Get that guy!

And to you I say...

¶ Zone ¶¶

Huh? All right, Nomicon,
you get two minutes,

then it's back to the zone.

Mmm.

[screaming]

"The only knowledge
a ninja can possess

is the knowledge that he
possesses no knowledge."

Deep stuff, yeah, deep stuff.

Well, here's some ninja
knowledge I know I know.

When you're in the zone...
winning's just plain easy.

[grunts]

[screeching]

- Still in the zone?
- Still in the zone.

Good, 'cause
I'm counting on you

to zone us through
our Spanish presentation.

Howard, relax.

Everything is
agua frijoles.

- [both sigh]
- OK. You know you just said

"everything is beans water,"
right?

Don't try to psych us out,
Debbie Kang.

We're ready for this.
We've even been
studying with Miguel.

The guy who runs
the burrito cart?

He said our Spanish speaking
is chile verde.

- Chile verde, Debbie.
- You guys are so stupid.

Somebody woke up on
the wrong side of
the taco this morning.

Guacamole, Cunningham,
guacamole.

[speaking Spanish]

- [grunts]
- Thank you, Debbie Kang,

for that informative
report on the

very, very, very,
very cute and deadly
Mexican death bear.

De nada, Senora Jorge.
[humming]

[Jorge] Senores Cunningham
y Weinerman. Su turno.

Turno. It's just "turn"
with an "o" at the end of it!

[humming]

Randy, why don't you
salsa roja.

- Ladies and gentlemen...
- And Debbie Kang.

- [grumbles]
- Our report is on

Spanish explorer,
Ponce de Leon.

[clears throat]
And here I go.

Ponce de Leon, chimichanga
flautas, tamale nacho supremo.

Ah, but Ponce de Leon
is most famous for discovering

habanero quesadilla.
Corn or flour tortilla.

Burrito grande
for listening.

What was that?

- Uh, Spanish.
- Mm-hmm.

- Ha!
- [groans]

I'm giving you both an "F."

- [gasps]
- You're giving us an "F"?

- Si.
- Oh, a "C."

That's way better
than an "F."

- No, I am giving you an "F."
- An "F"!

- Si.
- Are we getting
a "C" or an "F"?

I just need to manage
my parent's expectations.

- [bell rings]
- An "F"?!
I did not see that coming.

Howard, don't panic.

This is a small
speed bump.

Remember, I'm still
in the zone.

I'll just go back in there,
ask Jorge for some extra credit,

and, boomo,
F-o becomes a C-o.

- [Howard screams]
- [roars]

Right after
I take care of that.

No, no, no, priorities.

First, our grade,
then snake-y, fly-y thingy.

Relax. They're
super easy to beat.

I'll be back in,
like, two seconds.

- [roaring]
- [screaming]

Hey! Hork up the band geek.

Yeah, I said it.

Ninja horking ball!

- [moans] Whoa. Thanks, ninja.
- [roars]

Great idea, Viceroy.

The ninja destroys
your first...,

so you go after him
with the exact,
same stupid robot?

Oh, is that
what I did?

[Randy] Stretch... Yah!

- And... the head's off.
- Wait for it.

Back in the zone!

Mexican death bear? [grunts]

Ooh! Where'd you get a
Mexican death bear
on such short notice?

Now, over here, we have
the Mexican death bear.

This creature is so deadly
that if it ever escaped...

Uh... [clears throat]

Who wants to be the first here
to try our new emergency exit?

Mmm. Looks like
somebody in this room

owes somebody else
in this room an apology.

[humming]

- Apologize to the man!
- Sorry.

- [roaring]
- [shouting]

Ninja doorknob!

OK, I got a death bear
situation going on here.

I could really use a little
Nomicon sauce right about now.

Why... won't... you... open?

Oh, really? You're mad at me
because I blew you off before.

OK, fine. I'm sorry you couldn't
handle me being in the zone.

I apologize.
Now please help me!

- Aah!
- Two seconds, huh?

Oh, did I keep you waiting?
I'm so sorry.

I lost track of time
fighting a death bear!

Is it really fighting
when you're just getting
your butt kicked!

It's too fast,
it's too strong.

I don't know
how to beat it, OK?

Think, Howard.
What do we know about
Mexican death bears?

Who do I look like,
Debbie Kang?

[both] Debbie Kang!

Why are we saying
"Debbie Kang"?

She's like an expert
on this thing.

I mean, her whole report
was in Spanish,

so she may have been
giving a flan recipe.

Man, how good is flan?
[screams]

- Howard, Debbie Kang!
- [roaring]

Debbie Kang,
I need your help.

Mmm...
Hello?

Seriously?
You're not
gonna help me?

OK, fine, I admit it.

Your Spanish is more Spanish
than my Spanish.

Like all the way Spanish.

Mmm. Now will you
turn around and help?

[groans]

Oh, hey, Howard.
Did you say something?

Uh... Yeah.

The ninja's down the hall
fighting a Mexican death bear.

[squeals]
A Mexican death bear?

So cute!

[laughs] All right. What's
nerdball Kang rocking here.

"Hypno-Spanish"? Hmm...

[man speaking Spanish]

I am escorting
Spanish into your brain.

[all screaming]

[grunts] Where the heck
is Debbie Kang?

- So cute! [squeals]
- Whoa-ho-ho, slow your roll.

That is a very dangerous
snake-bottom bear
you're running at right now.

I just love them
so much! [squeals]

Same here.
Quick question.

- How do I kill it?
- [shudders]

No, no, not so much "kill"
as "make him stop hitting me."

Oh, well, that's easy.
I did my whole Spanish report
about Mexican death bears.

Wanna hear it?
[speaks Spanish]

No, no, no. No Spanish,
just the hitting. That's all.

[groans] OK, that's easy.

Just rub his little tummy
counter-clockwise.

That should put him
right to sleep.

- Rub his tummy?
- [growling]

- [squeaking]
- [shouts]

[grunting]

Mmm... Oof.

Sleepy bear,
who's a sleepy bear?

Does this feel nice?
Debbie, any thoughts?

I'm rubbing
counter-clockwise.

Ugh, your other
counter-clockwise.

- OK... Oh, all right.
- ["Rock-a-bye Baby" plays]

What do you know?
Good call.

Uh... OK, I'll admit

that did not go
exactly as planned.

The important thing is

when we're at Whoopee World
next Wednesday,

we're gonna look
back at this and laugh.

[beeping]

Buy Whoopee World
and ban the following people:

- Viceroy.
- Mmm...

- No, that's it, just Viceroy.
- Hmm.

That was cold.

[man on recording
speaking Spanish]

Hey, what happened to you?

- Howard!
- Que pasa, Cunningham?

What did you just say?

Le dije,
"Que pasa, Cunnigham?"

- You're in the Spanish zone.
- Hmm. La zona Espanola.

[grunts] We have to get
you to Senora Jorge now.

Si, ahora, vamos.

No, no, no, no.
Don't waste the Spanish.
Save it for the Senora.

[guitar music plays]

[sighs] A "Si." We did it.

OK, Nomicon,
I was kind of a jerk today.

I should've listened.
You were right,

the only knowledge I poses
is that I possess no knowledge.

And I'm not
even sure about that.

Hmm?

So we cool? You'll keep
teaching me stuff and stuff?

[groans]

[screaming]

Whoa! Dragon?
Are you kidding me?

And birds?!

[Randy] When he realizes
he knows nothing,

the ninja is
ready to learn everything.

So Bruce!

[grunts]

Nomicon! That's a Nomicon!

[rock music plays]

Chirp.