Randy Cunningham: 9th Grade Ninja (2012–2015): Season 1, Episode 4 - Gossip Boy - full transcript
[boy] For 800 years,
Norrisville High has been
protected by a ninja.
No one knows
that every four years,
a new warrior is chosen.
¶ Go, ninja! ¶
A freshman to fight
the forces of evil.
I am the ninja.
I am Randy Cunningham.
¶ Smoke bomb ¶
¶ What the hey
Come on, you ¶
¶ What the juice
He's a Bruce ¶
¶ Besta cheese
Ninja freeze ¶
¶ Ninja rock
Don't stop ¶
- ¶ What the hey ¶
- ¶ Come on, you ¶
¶ Do it, ninja
What the juice ¶
¶ He's a hero
Come on, fighter ¶
¶ Just a freshman
and a ninja ¶
[Randy] Smoke bomb!
The way to forget
is to remember.
What the juice?!
[grunting]
You were gonna draw a moustache
on my face, weren't you?
What? No!
I wanted to see how
you look with sideburns.
And the word "garbanzo"
on your forehead.
What were you doing
in the Nomicon anyway?
You think being the ninja
is all flipping
and punching and kicking.
And it is,
which is awesome.
But every so often,
my ninja-ing takes me
to a wicked gross place
I call the Shnasty Zone.
What?
Zippity bop mm-mm.
Shnasty!
And there was a time
I saw Principal Slimovitz
after school.
Yee-haw!
I'm a big baby cowboy.
[horse neighing]
Aw, shnasty!
And you know Taco Tuesday
in the cafeteria?
[splashing]
Shnasty!
[vomiting]
Whoa!
Oh, thanks for nothing,
Cunningham.
Now I can't eat the tacos.
Nah, I'm still
gonna eat the tacos.
So I went in the Nomicon
to see if there was some way
to unremember that stuff.
Uh, like a mind-wipe.
I could totally use
a mind-wipe.
You know that stupid
Whoopee World commercial?
[upbeat electronic music]
[screaming]
I keep getting it
stuck in my head.
Whenever I hear it, I can't
think of anything else.
Hmm?
Don't you do it.
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
[groaning]
- ¶ Whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
- [shouting]
Turns out Becky's
just a little bloated,
so it was all just
a huge misunderstanding.
[cheering]
- Hey, Heidi.
- [scoffs]
What the juice, Howard?
Kinda doing a live
gossip report here.
Kinda got an emergency here.
I need lunch money.
What about the money
Mom gave you?
That was just brunch money.
Gossip report, huh?
Weak, lame, snoozer.
Look, if you want
real gossip,
I'll give you
the real dish.
Please.
The only dish you know
comes with sausage
and extra cheese.
[reaction]
[boy]: Oh, man!
Real nice.
Well, stuff this
in your gossip hole.
After school P. Slims
likes to mosey around
in nothing but a ten gallon hat
and training pants.
Nuh-uh!
Yee-haw!
I'm a big baby cowboy.
After school
is me time!
All right,
that was pretty juicy.
- I'll give you a splart.
- [squishing]
So, if you don't have
anything else, buh-bye.
Sista, please, they don't
call me Double Dip
just 'cause
I like ice cream.
I always got another scoop.
- [groaning]
- You know Taco Tuesday?
They oughta rename it
Roadkill Tuesday.
Nuh-uh!
[bell ringing]
[indistinct chattering]
Awesome gossip, Howard!
Double Dip!
He saved us from eating
chipmunk-changas.
Huh?
Ah! That's the slow clap.
You're getting
the slow clap!
[chuckling]
We're getting
the slow clap.
Couldn't have done it
without your gossip.
Couldn't have done it
without your big mouth.
Howard, my paid views
are through the roof.
- I need more gossip,
- [shouting]
and I need it
in three, two...
[Heidi]:
It's the Deep Dish
with Howard "Double Dip"
Weinerman. Whoo!
So, Howard,
everyone's dying to know
what other juicy gossip
you got.
[breathless]
Let's hear it.
Uh...
I don't know.
Don't embarrass me,
Double Dip.
You must know one secret.
One thing nobody else knows.
One single thing
someone's confided in you
that you're not
supposed to tell anyone.
- [bell dings]
- I know who the ninja is!
- [gasping]
- Wha...
- [exclaims]
- [splurting]
You know who
the ninja is?
Yes. Yes, I do.
So, if you want
the deep dish,
you'll have to
tune in tomorrow.
Double Dip!
Need a mind-wipe,
need a mind-wipe,
need a mind-wipe,
need a mind-wipe!
"The way to forget...
...is to remember."
Not a mind-wipe!
- [gasping]
- [humming]
What were you
gonna do this time?
Write "ninja"
on my forehead?
[nervous chuckle]
I panicked,
but I know how to fix it.
I'll just string 'em along
until you figure out
how to fix it.
Or I know, I could
mind-wipe the entire town.
I like it, I like it.
Except there is
no mind-wipe!
I don't like it.
Cunningham, don't be
so hard on yourself.
This isn't your fault.
I know it's not my fault.
It's your fault.
It's your big mouth's fault.
Huh. Didn't hear any complaining
during the slow clap.
All I'm saying is,
if McFist saw the show,
he might come after you.
Oh, nobody's
coming after me.
Mr. Weinerman,
your limousine is here.
Listen, I gotta jet,
my limo's here.
Call me later and tell me
how you are gonna fix this.
Howard, you don't
have a limo.
[door closing]
It occurs to me
I don't have a limo.
Ah!
McFist.
Hang in there, Double Dip.
I'm coming for ya'.
[sighs]
Ah! Ah!
- [growling]
- Ah!
I suppose you're wondering
why we brought you here.
Uh, 'cause I said
I know who the ninja is?
OK.
But you must be wondering
how we're going to
get you to tell us.
- By torturing me?
- By torturing you!
- That's what he said.
- I know that!
[exclaiming]
[laughing]
No, no! OK, OK.
Ninja Scarf Save!
[shouting]
Ninja Sprint!
No, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!
Ninja Stop, Ninja Stop,
Ninja Stop!
No, no, no,
no, no, no, eee.
Bring out
the Chair of Torture.
The Rack!
The Iron Maiden!
- Ah!
- The Bed of Anguish.
And, uh... Uh, feels like
I'm forgetting one.
- Um...
- I'll get my mindreader.
We can figure out
what you're forgetting.
You have a mindreader?
- Why didn't you tell me?!
- You never asked!
What am I supposed to be,
a mindreader?
[chuckling] You see
what I did there?
[chuckling]
Bring in the mindreader!
Don't get smashed,
don't get smashed.
Now don't get smashed,
now do not get smashed!
[shouting] Wait for it,
wait for it,
wait for it, now!
Ah! Ah!
Scariest vent ever!
It's oil o'clock somewhere.
- Am I right?
- [laughing]
Crack!
Uh. Whoops.
Get him.
[thinking] OK, don't
think about the ninja.
Think about something else.
Think about, uh...
baseball.
I don't know anything
about baseball!
[exclaiming]
Sorry, fellas.
Break time's over.
[shouting]
[Randy]: Leftovers, popcorn.
Oh, here it is.
Robo-ape.
- [humming]
- [whirring]
[bell dings]
[laughing]
We're about to discover
the ninja's secret identity.
I can't wait
to tell Mother.
That's it?
That's the mindreader?
Couldn't have made it
any smaller?
I could have, but then you
wouldn't have been able
to see anything.
[repeating]
Forget about the ninja.
[Randy] Psst. Howard.
Oh, no,
I'm hearing his voice.
No, Howard, up here.
Hey, I'm trying
to forget...
Oh, Ninja.
Took you long enough.
Well, it's good
to see you too, buddy.
Right, sorry.
You OK?
Now get me outta here!
[exclaiming]
I can't get through.
[shouts]
Down in front,
you banana eating trashcans!
Ninja, I haven't
sold you out.
I would never
sell you out.
- Thanks, pal.
- But, they have a mindreader,
so there's
a pretty good chance
- I'm gonna sell you out.
- What?
You know what we could
really use right about now?
A mind-wipe.
Am I right?
There is no mind-wipe.
All the Nomicon said
was the way to forget
is to remember.
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
- ¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop ¶
- Why would you do that?
Now that stupid song
is all I can think about...
Ohhhh.
Show me the ninja!
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
What is that,
some sort of song?
It's the only thing
on his mind.
The only thing?
There's nothing else?
Bubkis, didley, zippo.
Shut it off, shut it off!
This chucklehead doesn't
know who the ninja is.
Get him outta here!
Whoopee.
Listen, Cunningham.
I'm sorry my big mouth
got us in so much trouble.
I take full responsibility.
Howard, we're cool.
But this is kinda your fault
too, a little bit, right?
I mean, you know
I can't keep a secret,
and it's not like I ever
asked if you were the ninja,
- you just told me, so...
- Howard.
You know what,
we'll call it even.
Oh, here's the thing.
The whole school
thinks you're revealing
the ninja's identity
tomorrow.
So, how are you gonna
handle that, Double D?
Relax.
I got this.
So, Howard,
who's the ninja?
The ninja is...
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
Howard! I knew
you didn't know! Ah!
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoop ¶¶
[bell ringing]
Is it me, or is Coach Green
completely insane?
Well, I think he's just trying
to keep gym class interesting.
[laughing]
This baby has
a light trigger.
Nope, he's totally insane.
- So.
- [shrieking]
Who's ready
to play hopscotch?
[cell phone ringing]
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
OK, cheers.
Apparently,
your "fire marshal"
has some safety concerns,
so hopscotch is off.
I know, I'm bummed too.
Guess I'll just have to
go with my back-up plan.
Climbing a rope!
See, that is
refreshingly rational.
But to ensure
a spirited romp,
I've enlisted a few
of your classmates
to assault you with balls
as you ascend!
Aw, we just got greened!
Greened hard.
Mick! Now we got
one less crushing ball!
Ready to give it a go...
Stevens.
Ha! You're gonna
eat it, Stevens.
According to
his family physician,
young Stevens here has some
sort of "medical condition"
that forbids him
from climbing a rope.
Well, then, Mr. Weinerman,
you're first
to shimmy the wipple.
- [muttering]
- [bird calling]
[grunts, inhales]
- [bell ringing]
- Ooh!
Oh, man!
Outta time.
[chuckles]
And I was just about
to get my shimmy on.
Chin up, Weinerman.
You'll be first
on the rope tomorrow.
Stupid wipple!
[groaning]
I do not want
to climb that rope.
We're gonna
crush you tomorrow!
Crush you like the thing
that crushes...
...other things!
[shouting] Yeah!
[shrieks]
Mick, bro.
You're killin' me.
What would you say if I said
you don't have
to climb that rope?
I would say great!
And then I might ask how.
I don't know.
But I bet the answer
lies within...
...the Nomicon!
That's your math book.
I meant the Nomicon!
[Randy] Listen, Nomicon.
You and I both know Howard
can't climb that rope.
We have to help him.
Whatta ya' got?
[evil laughter]
"The best way
to avoid an attack,
is to avoid an attack?"
What the juice?
Fine. You know what?
Forget it, Nomicon.
If you didn't want to help,
all you had to do
was not suck me in here.
OK, the floor
is splitting.
[screaming]
[grunts]
[moaning]
So, you got it?
Book was a dead-end.
- And kinda jerky about it.
- [growling]
Ha-ha!
Stevens.
Thinks he's so cool
'cause he's got that
fancy doctor's note.
[sigh] Wish I had IBS.
Ah, that's it, Howard!
We need a doctor's note.
We need a golden
doctor's note.
Cunningham.
Everyone and their brother's
gone looking
for that notepad.
It doesn't exist,
it's a myth.
A fairytale seventh graders
tell each other at sleepovers.
Right now
it's our only hope.
We just have to
find a way into...
...the old gym.
This is a terrible plan.
Just want you to know that.
No. No. No.
- Ah!
- Greetings, normals.
If you seek the entrance
to the old gym,
it lies not
in this tin tomb.
[giggles]
Ouch.
- Julian?
- Weirdo.
I haunt this locker room
every day,
yet the entrance eludes me.
And I even possess a map.
But I've never been able
to decipher the riddle.
Solve it,
and you can join me
on a quest into the deep,
cavernous void.
I'm awesome at riddles.
"In this room, amid
the sweat stink and such,
the entrance lies where
no boy would ever touch."
Where's the one place
in a boys' locker room
no one's ever touched?
- [zipping]
- [flushing]
Soap dispenser!
What'd I tell you?
It's a myth.
[shrieking]
[sniffs]
Mmm, now there's a scent
I haven't smelled
in some time.
Someone's searching for
the golden doctor's note, eh?
- [squeaking]
- I don't know what
I'm going to do!
I just found out.
[all shouting]
[grunting]
[all] Whoa!
[Julian] The old gym.
Just as I imagined.
So dark, so creepy.
So marvelous!
You're a freak.
You know that, right?
[giggles]
"Never stray
from the course,
follow the path
across the horse."
Horse?
Pommel horses!
Awesome at riddles me!
So, to get out of doing gym
stuff, we gotta do gym stuff?
[grumbling]
- [grunts]
- Howard!
[screams]
- Are you OK?
- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
No, I'm not OK!
I almost died!
[Julian] How I envy thee.
Death is so cool.
[giggles] Look!
I found an adorable
instrument of torture.
Isn't it delightful?
[shrieking] My hat!
Hang on, Julian.
I don't wanna die!
Death isn't cool!
I knew Lord Creepy
was a fraud.
[engine whining]
Come on, Howard.
Pull, big fella.
What do you think
I'm doing?
Any other must-see sights on
our Tour de Terror, Julian?
[Randy] Julian?
Julian want
a wittle snackie.
I think Julian's
gone bye-bye.
This is getting
a little too real.
I'll get the notes,
you stay with Julian.
[grumbles]
Hold me!
Yeah, I don't think so.
- Cunningham, wait up.
- [moaning]
[sniffing]
Finally.
Sheer terror.
Go, go,
foul funk,
and destroy the notes.
Be gone!
[evil laughter]
[chuckling]
There it is.
That must be where the golden
doctor's notes are.
All we gotta do to get out of
climbing Green's rope is...
...climb a rope.
How's that for irony?
I'll just ninja out,
grab the notepad,
we'll get Julian
and we bounce.
[grunting]
You all dressed?
Good.
- 'Cause, that!
- Whoa.
Probably shouldn't have
left Julian behind.
[grunting]
Boom.
Stuck it!
Ah, sweet ninja,
that hurt.
Hey, watch it.
Howard, you can
climb a rope?
Of course I can
climb a rope.
But we're down here
risking our lives
because I thought you
couldn't climb a rope.
Well, that's dumb.
You should have asked me.
Why wouldn't I be able
to climb a rope?
[gasping] It's because
you think I'm...
No! No, no, no.
No, it's not that.
You're perfect
exactly the way you are.
Don't patronize me, ninja.
Go on, say it. Go ahead.
You have tiny hands,
all right?
I knew it!
And I prefer delicate.
Yo, that almost hit me.
"The best way
to avoid an attack
is to avoid an attack."
Ninja, avoid the attack.
[grunts]
Climb, climb, climb.
Stop yelling at me!
Jackpot.
[gurgling]
I got the notes.
[screaming]
Whoa, boy.
And I broke the office.
No! No!
Hey! I climbed up a rope
to get those.
- Stop him, ninja.
- OK.
- Stop him!
- I said OK!
Gotta de-stank him.
There must be something
he holds dear.
The hat!
Totally figured it out.
[shrieking]
One note left.
Don't mind if I do.
Ninja Hat Punch.
No, no, no!
My chaos.
Where's the misery.
Where's the suffering?
[squeaking]
Mr. Wienerman.
The wipple beckons.
[chuckles] I don't
think so, Coach G.
- I have a...
- Wait.
There's something
I need to tell you.
I know, you're sorry
you almost got me killed
and completely insulted me
by assuming I couldn't
climb a rope.
Well, yeah, that.
But also...
Shhh!
We're good.
All that matters is that
I'm not going up that rope.
- About that.
- Read it and weep, Green.
Ten percent off a Charlie
Cluckers chicken bucket.
Is this a bribe?
What? Gimme that!
- ¶ Charlie's ¶
- [chicken crowing]
What have you done?
Well, Julian
shared his map,
and he really fell
apart down there.
So, I figured since
you can climb a rope...
Stop talking!
We're not good anymore.
Don't worry.
I have a new plan.
The best way
to avoid an attack
is to avoid an attack.
[all shouting]
Follow my lead!
Swing, guys, swing.
Climb, Howard, climb.
New strategy.
Pound the nerds.
[Bash]
Hit that little guy!
- [Randy] Run!
- Huh.
Climbing ropes
ain't so bad.
[giggles]
[groans]
But I have the note!
[sad trombone]
Norrisville High has been
protected by a ninja.
No one knows
that every four years,
a new warrior is chosen.
¶ Go, ninja! ¶
A freshman to fight
the forces of evil.
I am the ninja.
I am Randy Cunningham.
¶ Smoke bomb ¶
¶ What the hey
Come on, you ¶
¶ What the juice
He's a Bruce ¶
¶ Besta cheese
Ninja freeze ¶
¶ Ninja rock
Don't stop ¶
- ¶ What the hey ¶
- ¶ Come on, you ¶
¶ Do it, ninja
What the juice ¶
¶ He's a hero
Come on, fighter ¶
¶ Just a freshman
and a ninja ¶
[Randy] Smoke bomb!
The way to forget
is to remember.
What the juice?!
[grunting]
You were gonna draw a moustache
on my face, weren't you?
What? No!
I wanted to see how
you look with sideburns.
And the word "garbanzo"
on your forehead.
What were you doing
in the Nomicon anyway?
You think being the ninja
is all flipping
and punching and kicking.
And it is,
which is awesome.
But every so often,
my ninja-ing takes me
to a wicked gross place
I call the Shnasty Zone.
What?
Zippity bop mm-mm.
Shnasty!
And there was a time
I saw Principal Slimovitz
after school.
Yee-haw!
I'm a big baby cowboy.
[horse neighing]
Aw, shnasty!
And you know Taco Tuesday
in the cafeteria?
[splashing]
Shnasty!
[vomiting]
Whoa!
Oh, thanks for nothing,
Cunningham.
Now I can't eat the tacos.
Nah, I'm still
gonna eat the tacos.
So I went in the Nomicon
to see if there was some way
to unremember that stuff.
Uh, like a mind-wipe.
I could totally use
a mind-wipe.
You know that stupid
Whoopee World commercial?
[upbeat electronic music]
[screaming]
I keep getting it
stuck in my head.
Whenever I hear it, I can't
think of anything else.
Hmm?
Don't you do it.
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
[groaning]
- ¶ Whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
- [shouting]
Turns out Becky's
just a little bloated,
so it was all just
a huge misunderstanding.
[cheering]
- Hey, Heidi.
- [scoffs]
What the juice, Howard?
Kinda doing a live
gossip report here.
Kinda got an emergency here.
I need lunch money.
What about the money
Mom gave you?
That was just brunch money.
Gossip report, huh?
Weak, lame, snoozer.
Look, if you want
real gossip,
I'll give you
the real dish.
Please.
The only dish you know
comes with sausage
and extra cheese.
[reaction]
[boy]: Oh, man!
Real nice.
Well, stuff this
in your gossip hole.
After school P. Slims
likes to mosey around
in nothing but a ten gallon hat
and training pants.
Nuh-uh!
Yee-haw!
I'm a big baby cowboy.
After school
is me time!
All right,
that was pretty juicy.
- I'll give you a splart.
- [squishing]
So, if you don't have
anything else, buh-bye.
Sista, please, they don't
call me Double Dip
just 'cause
I like ice cream.
I always got another scoop.
- [groaning]
- You know Taco Tuesday?
They oughta rename it
Roadkill Tuesday.
Nuh-uh!
[bell ringing]
[indistinct chattering]
Awesome gossip, Howard!
Double Dip!
He saved us from eating
chipmunk-changas.
Huh?
Ah! That's the slow clap.
You're getting
the slow clap!
[chuckling]
We're getting
the slow clap.
Couldn't have done it
without your gossip.
Couldn't have done it
without your big mouth.
Howard, my paid views
are through the roof.
- I need more gossip,
- [shouting]
and I need it
in three, two...
[Heidi]:
It's the Deep Dish
with Howard "Double Dip"
Weinerman. Whoo!
So, Howard,
everyone's dying to know
what other juicy gossip
you got.
[breathless]
Let's hear it.
Uh...
I don't know.
Don't embarrass me,
Double Dip.
You must know one secret.
One thing nobody else knows.
One single thing
someone's confided in you
that you're not
supposed to tell anyone.
- [bell dings]
- I know who the ninja is!
- [gasping]
- Wha...
- [exclaims]
- [splurting]
You know who
the ninja is?
Yes. Yes, I do.
So, if you want
the deep dish,
you'll have to
tune in tomorrow.
Double Dip!
Need a mind-wipe,
need a mind-wipe,
need a mind-wipe,
need a mind-wipe!
"The way to forget...
...is to remember."
Not a mind-wipe!
- [gasping]
- [humming]
What were you
gonna do this time?
Write "ninja"
on my forehead?
[nervous chuckle]
I panicked,
but I know how to fix it.
I'll just string 'em along
until you figure out
how to fix it.
Or I know, I could
mind-wipe the entire town.
I like it, I like it.
Except there is
no mind-wipe!
I don't like it.
Cunningham, don't be
so hard on yourself.
This isn't your fault.
I know it's not my fault.
It's your fault.
It's your big mouth's fault.
Huh. Didn't hear any complaining
during the slow clap.
All I'm saying is,
if McFist saw the show,
he might come after you.
Oh, nobody's
coming after me.
Mr. Weinerman,
your limousine is here.
Listen, I gotta jet,
my limo's here.
Call me later and tell me
how you are gonna fix this.
Howard, you don't
have a limo.
[door closing]
It occurs to me
I don't have a limo.
Ah!
McFist.
Hang in there, Double Dip.
I'm coming for ya'.
[sighs]
Ah! Ah!
- [growling]
- Ah!
I suppose you're wondering
why we brought you here.
Uh, 'cause I said
I know who the ninja is?
OK.
But you must be wondering
how we're going to
get you to tell us.
- By torturing me?
- By torturing you!
- That's what he said.
- I know that!
[exclaiming]
[laughing]
No, no! OK, OK.
Ninja Scarf Save!
[shouting]
Ninja Sprint!
No, no, no, no!
Oh, no, no, no!
Ninja Stop, Ninja Stop,
Ninja Stop!
No, no, no,
no, no, no, eee.
Bring out
the Chair of Torture.
The Rack!
The Iron Maiden!
- Ah!
- The Bed of Anguish.
And, uh... Uh, feels like
I'm forgetting one.
- Um...
- I'll get my mindreader.
We can figure out
what you're forgetting.
You have a mindreader?
- Why didn't you tell me?!
- You never asked!
What am I supposed to be,
a mindreader?
[chuckling] You see
what I did there?
[chuckling]
Bring in the mindreader!
Don't get smashed,
don't get smashed.
Now don't get smashed,
now do not get smashed!
[shouting] Wait for it,
wait for it,
wait for it, now!
Ah! Ah!
Scariest vent ever!
It's oil o'clock somewhere.
- Am I right?
- [laughing]
Crack!
Uh. Whoops.
Get him.
[thinking] OK, don't
think about the ninja.
Think about something else.
Think about, uh...
baseball.
I don't know anything
about baseball!
[exclaiming]
Sorry, fellas.
Break time's over.
[shouting]
[Randy]: Leftovers, popcorn.
Oh, here it is.
Robo-ape.
- [humming]
- [whirring]
[bell dings]
[laughing]
We're about to discover
the ninja's secret identity.
I can't wait
to tell Mother.
That's it?
That's the mindreader?
Couldn't have made it
any smaller?
I could have, but then you
wouldn't have been able
to see anything.
[repeating]
Forget about the ninja.
[Randy] Psst. Howard.
Oh, no,
I'm hearing his voice.
No, Howard, up here.
Hey, I'm trying
to forget...
Oh, Ninja.
Took you long enough.
Well, it's good
to see you too, buddy.
Right, sorry.
You OK?
Now get me outta here!
[exclaiming]
I can't get through.
[shouts]
Down in front,
you banana eating trashcans!
Ninja, I haven't
sold you out.
I would never
sell you out.
- Thanks, pal.
- But, they have a mindreader,
so there's
a pretty good chance
- I'm gonna sell you out.
- What?
You know what we could
really use right about now?
A mind-wipe.
Am I right?
There is no mind-wipe.
All the Nomicon said
was the way to forget
is to remember.
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
- ¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop ¶
- Why would you do that?
Now that stupid song
is all I can think about...
Ohhhh.
Show me the ninja!
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
What is that,
some sort of song?
It's the only thing
on his mind.
The only thing?
There's nothing else?
Bubkis, didley, zippo.
Shut it off, shut it off!
This chucklehead doesn't
know who the ninja is.
Get him outta here!
Whoopee.
Listen, Cunningham.
I'm sorry my big mouth
got us in so much trouble.
I take full responsibility.
Howard, we're cool.
But this is kinda your fault
too, a little bit, right?
I mean, you know
I can't keep a secret,
and it's not like I ever
asked if you were the ninja,
- you just told me, so...
- Howard.
You know what,
we'll call it even.
Oh, here's the thing.
The whole school
thinks you're revealing
the ninja's identity
tomorrow.
So, how are you gonna
handle that, Double D?
Relax.
I got this.
So, Howard,
who's the ninja?
The ninja is...
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
Howard! I knew
you didn't know! Ah!
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoopee ¶
¶ Whoop, whoop, whoop,
whoop, whoop, whoop ¶¶
[bell ringing]
Is it me, or is Coach Green
completely insane?
Well, I think he's just trying
to keep gym class interesting.
[laughing]
This baby has
a light trigger.
Nope, he's totally insane.
- So.
- [shrieking]
Who's ready
to play hopscotch?
[cell phone ringing]
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
OK, cheers.
Apparently,
your "fire marshal"
has some safety concerns,
so hopscotch is off.
I know, I'm bummed too.
Guess I'll just have to
go with my back-up plan.
Climbing a rope!
See, that is
refreshingly rational.
But to ensure
a spirited romp,
I've enlisted a few
of your classmates
to assault you with balls
as you ascend!
Aw, we just got greened!
Greened hard.
Mick! Now we got
one less crushing ball!
Ready to give it a go...
Stevens.
Ha! You're gonna
eat it, Stevens.
According to
his family physician,
young Stevens here has some
sort of "medical condition"
that forbids him
from climbing a rope.
Well, then, Mr. Weinerman,
you're first
to shimmy the wipple.
- [muttering]
- [bird calling]
[grunts, inhales]
- [bell ringing]
- Ooh!
Oh, man!
Outta time.
[chuckles]
And I was just about
to get my shimmy on.
Chin up, Weinerman.
You'll be first
on the rope tomorrow.
Stupid wipple!
[groaning]
I do not want
to climb that rope.
We're gonna
crush you tomorrow!
Crush you like the thing
that crushes...
...other things!
[shouting] Yeah!
[shrieks]
Mick, bro.
You're killin' me.
What would you say if I said
you don't have
to climb that rope?
I would say great!
And then I might ask how.
I don't know.
But I bet the answer
lies within...
...the Nomicon!
That's your math book.
I meant the Nomicon!
[Randy] Listen, Nomicon.
You and I both know Howard
can't climb that rope.
We have to help him.
Whatta ya' got?
[evil laughter]
"The best way
to avoid an attack,
is to avoid an attack?"
What the juice?
Fine. You know what?
Forget it, Nomicon.
If you didn't want to help,
all you had to do
was not suck me in here.
OK, the floor
is splitting.
[screaming]
[grunts]
[moaning]
So, you got it?
Book was a dead-end.
- And kinda jerky about it.
- [growling]
Ha-ha!
Stevens.
Thinks he's so cool
'cause he's got that
fancy doctor's note.
[sigh] Wish I had IBS.
Ah, that's it, Howard!
We need a doctor's note.
We need a golden
doctor's note.
Cunningham.
Everyone and their brother's
gone looking
for that notepad.
It doesn't exist,
it's a myth.
A fairytale seventh graders
tell each other at sleepovers.
Right now
it's our only hope.
We just have to
find a way into...
...the old gym.
This is a terrible plan.
Just want you to know that.
No. No. No.
- Ah!
- Greetings, normals.
If you seek the entrance
to the old gym,
it lies not
in this tin tomb.
[giggles]
Ouch.
- Julian?
- Weirdo.
I haunt this locker room
every day,
yet the entrance eludes me.
And I even possess a map.
But I've never been able
to decipher the riddle.
Solve it,
and you can join me
on a quest into the deep,
cavernous void.
I'm awesome at riddles.
"In this room, amid
the sweat stink and such,
the entrance lies where
no boy would ever touch."
Where's the one place
in a boys' locker room
no one's ever touched?
- [zipping]
- [flushing]
Soap dispenser!
What'd I tell you?
It's a myth.
[shrieking]
[sniffs]
Mmm, now there's a scent
I haven't smelled
in some time.
Someone's searching for
the golden doctor's note, eh?
- [squeaking]
- I don't know what
I'm going to do!
I just found out.
[all shouting]
[grunting]
[all] Whoa!
[Julian] The old gym.
Just as I imagined.
So dark, so creepy.
So marvelous!
You're a freak.
You know that, right?
[giggles]
"Never stray
from the course,
follow the path
across the horse."
Horse?
Pommel horses!
Awesome at riddles me!
So, to get out of doing gym
stuff, we gotta do gym stuff?
[grumbling]
- [grunts]
- Howard!
[screams]
- Are you OK?
- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.
No, I'm not OK!
I almost died!
[Julian] How I envy thee.
Death is so cool.
[giggles] Look!
I found an adorable
instrument of torture.
Isn't it delightful?
[shrieking] My hat!
Hang on, Julian.
I don't wanna die!
Death isn't cool!
I knew Lord Creepy
was a fraud.
[engine whining]
Come on, Howard.
Pull, big fella.
What do you think
I'm doing?
Any other must-see sights on
our Tour de Terror, Julian?
[Randy] Julian?
Julian want
a wittle snackie.
I think Julian's
gone bye-bye.
This is getting
a little too real.
I'll get the notes,
you stay with Julian.
[grumbles]
Hold me!
Yeah, I don't think so.
- Cunningham, wait up.
- [moaning]
[sniffing]
Finally.
Sheer terror.
Go, go,
foul funk,
and destroy the notes.
Be gone!
[evil laughter]
[chuckling]
There it is.
That must be where the golden
doctor's notes are.
All we gotta do to get out of
climbing Green's rope is...
...climb a rope.
How's that for irony?
I'll just ninja out,
grab the notepad,
we'll get Julian
and we bounce.
[grunting]
You all dressed?
Good.
- 'Cause, that!
- Whoa.
Probably shouldn't have
left Julian behind.
[grunting]
Boom.
Stuck it!
Ah, sweet ninja,
that hurt.
Hey, watch it.
Howard, you can
climb a rope?
Of course I can
climb a rope.
But we're down here
risking our lives
because I thought you
couldn't climb a rope.
Well, that's dumb.
You should have asked me.
Why wouldn't I be able
to climb a rope?
[gasping] It's because
you think I'm...
No! No, no, no.
No, it's not that.
You're perfect
exactly the way you are.
Don't patronize me, ninja.
Go on, say it. Go ahead.
You have tiny hands,
all right?
I knew it!
And I prefer delicate.
Yo, that almost hit me.
"The best way
to avoid an attack
is to avoid an attack."
Ninja, avoid the attack.
[grunts]
Climb, climb, climb.
Stop yelling at me!
Jackpot.
[gurgling]
I got the notes.
[screaming]
Whoa, boy.
And I broke the office.
No! No!
Hey! I climbed up a rope
to get those.
- Stop him, ninja.
- OK.
- Stop him!
- I said OK!
Gotta de-stank him.
There must be something
he holds dear.
The hat!
Totally figured it out.
[shrieking]
One note left.
Don't mind if I do.
Ninja Hat Punch.
No, no, no!
My chaos.
Where's the misery.
Where's the suffering?
[squeaking]
Mr. Wienerman.
The wipple beckons.
[chuckles] I don't
think so, Coach G.
- I have a...
- Wait.
There's something
I need to tell you.
I know, you're sorry
you almost got me killed
and completely insulted me
by assuming I couldn't
climb a rope.
Well, yeah, that.
But also...
Shhh!
We're good.
All that matters is that
I'm not going up that rope.
- About that.
- Read it and weep, Green.
Ten percent off a Charlie
Cluckers chicken bucket.
Is this a bribe?
What? Gimme that!
- ¶ Charlie's ¶
- [chicken crowing]
What have you done?
Well, Julian
shared his map,
and he really fell
apart down there.
So, I figured since
you can climb a rope...
Stop talking!
We're not good anymore.
Don't worry.
I have a new plan.
The best way
to avoid an attack
is to avoid an attack.
[all shouting]
Follow my lead!
Swing, guys, swing.
Climb, Howard, climb.
New strategy.
Pound the nerds.
[Bash]
Hit that little guy!
- [Randy] Run!
- Huh.
Climbing ropes
ain't so bad.
[giggles]
[groans]
But I have the note!
[sad trombone]