Ralph & Katie (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Ralph's Balls - full transcript

RAIN PATTERS

I thought you were a fox.

Or a burglar.

HE SIGHS

DOOR OPENS

Ralph. It's raining,
what you doing?

Have you had breakfast, yet?
We need to make a move soon.

It's going to be fine.

Dr Graves is one of
the good guys.

Katie's not left for work yet.

Are you sure you don't
want to speak to her?



I have to do this on my own.

DOOR CLOSES

THUNDER RUMBLES

I've got a friend.
She had this ringing in her ears.

Drove her mad.
She went to the doctors,

they said it was just wax.

Anyway, she had them
syringed and guess what?

This giant beetle plops out,
in three pieces.

But the ringing stopped.

Is... Is this...helping?

You should message Tom.

It... It... It's complicated.

He's single and so are you.

He's only just broken up with Mick.
I don't do rebound.



You don't do anything.

Tom and me, we...
We both want to be single.

Take some time. Mates is...

It's cool.

Ralph?

Ralph Wilson. This is your mother
speaking. Drop the magazine.

Hi. What are you doing here?

Er, it's me. I'm sick.
HE COUGHS

Under the weather.
Ralph's keeping me company.

And I was born yesterday.

Ralph, why do you need to see the
doctor? It's fine. We're sorted.

Really? Yeah.

Why are you here?
It's none of your business.

Look, you know you can always ring
me if you're not feeling right.

I've got Danny.
He's coming in with me.

Yeah, yeah. As Ralph's PA,

I think I'm probably the best
person to... And as Ralph's mother,

I think I am the best person
to go in with him.

It's men's stuff. Ralph Wilson?

Let me do it my way, please.

All right.

But I'll be here when you come out.

No. Don't wait.

OK, Ralph,
why did you want to see me?

I found a lump. On my testicle.

First, it's great that
you're checking.

A lot of men don't.

And before we jump
to any conclusions,

I'd like to ask you some questions
and then examine you.

Is that OK?

You're absolutely right to come
and get yourself checked out.

Men with Down's syndrome are known

to be at higher risk
of testicular cancer.

I know.

ENTRY BELL RINGS

Sticky bun and a large tea
to go, please.

What are you doing here?
You all right, Katie?

Well, I just thought
I'd come down, you know?

See where you've been hiding.
Did you not get my texts?

Gary's been putting a lot
of thought into his emojis.

Just been letting you
know how I feel.

That'll be 4.75.

No, er, cheeky discount?

You see, it's just...

I've always been a
seize-the-day kind of guy.

Do you know what I mean?
You can't keep me dangling forever.

I know.

All right. Well,
I'll call you later, yeah?

All right? Nice nails.

Oh, my God, was that... Gary.

You are not getting back with him?

He's made me think about what
I want. About the future.

He dumped you, Emma. You were
getting over him and now you're

letting him get under your skin
again? I've got to do things my way.

And the next time he calls?

Just leave it, all right?
PHONE RINGS

That's not him already, is it?

The thing is, Ralph, having only one
ball's nothing to be ashamed of.

There's loads of really
cool one-ballers.

Lance Armstrong. I mean,
he was super fit for starters.

But that must have made
him more aerodynamic.

Plus the growth hormones, obviously.

And we're all done.

You're fine to put
your trousers back on.

And I won't think any less of you.
Arnold Schwarzenegger.

He's another one.
Had a ball terminated.

Then again, there's also Hitler.

Sir Bobby Moore. He only had one
testicle. Have that one on me.

OK, Ralph, take a seat.

I'd like you to have an ultrasound,

so we can see what we're dealing
with. You know what that is?

They use a machine with jelly.

A special unit comes to the surgery.
They'll look after you.

And then you'll come back
to me for the results.

Does that sound all right?

Is there anything you want to ask?

There's no such thing as
a stupid question. Almost.

My mum had cancer.

I thought she might die.

Will I die?

How about a brew? Or a pint?

Or do you want to go home
and see Katie first?

Look, you can't not tell Katie now.

What if I haven't got cancer?

Katie doesn't need to know.

Ralph, you have to tell her.

I don't want Katie to feel
like I did with Mum.

Well, how will she feel
if you DON'T tell her?

You've done the hard bit.

Katie will understand.

I'll tell Katie. It's right.

Right, and what about your mum? No.

She's bound to ask
how you got on. I can't.

Well, then will you
let me talk to her?

Do you want to?

Not really, mate, no!
But I'll do it for you.

Please?

Hang on, how about that brew?
I want to be on my own.

OK, but I can... Don't follow me.

Ralph. I got your text.

What is it?

It can come for me
but how dare it come for my son.

No-one...
No-one's saying this is cancer.

Ralph told me you'd... And he...

He sent you round
to say all this, did he?

Well, he didn't want me
to come at all, if I'm honest.

He was all for not telling you.

Why do men always think that
keeping secrets makes them strong?

I reckon he didn't
want to worry you.

And how do you suppose
that's working out?

Well, if it's any comfort,
I can't think of any circumstances

in which I'd want to talk
to MY mum about my...

..testicles.

So, if Ralph had
troubles above the waist,

he'd be straight round
to share them, would he?

I doubt it.

You've made him pretty independent.

Don't try and flatter me, Danny.

I don't need handling.

Just stay in touch.

And...

..thank you.

Danny!

Danny!

Are you all right?

This is the first bit of peace
I've had all day.

Teaching practice everything you
dreamed of, is it?

I haven't killed
any of the little darlings. Yet.

Although some of the staff
are pretty close to dying.

DANNY LAUGHS

You don't have to tell me what's up.

But if you did want to talk...

It's summat with Ralph.
I can't really say.

Whatever it is, I'm sure he's
better for having you around.

He's a mate. They both are.

And you're doing a good job.

You are allowed to say that,
you know.

I didn't think
I'd like being back here.

I didn't...expect
to find a job I enjoy.

I didn't plan it - you know,
I never plan anything - but...

..it seems to be working out.

Here's to not making plans, eh?

And to Ralph.

Do you want a cup of tea?

I'm all right.

It's just a scan. Yeah.

It might be all OK.

It might be.

But I'm still going to die, one day.

One day, we'll lose each other.

That's not what my mum says.

She said her and Dad
will be in heaven together.

That'll be fun for them.

One day at a time.

# When I was young,
younger than before

# I never saw the truth
hanging from the door

# And now I'm older

# See it face to face... #

Your jumper's inside out.

I know. It was an accident.

It's going to be lucky.

Sorry, guys. Nervous wee.

I was the same
when I got my GCSE results.

N-Not... Not that I'm saying
this is like...

I should go.

Ralph, you don't have
to go by yourself.

They're MY results.

We won't get in the way. I promise.

I could just walk
with you to the corner.

# Where flowers grow and
the sun shone still... #

Good luck, darling.

# Now I'm darker
than the deepest sea

# Just hand me down,
give me a place to be. #

Ralph. Come through.

# And I was strong,
strong in the sun

# Now I'm weaker
than the palest blue

# Oh, so weak
in this need for you... #

Sorry, we're closed.

Are you OK?
Bit early for Christmas, innit?

I've invited Gary over.
What? To talk. Emma!

I know what you're going to say.
But I know what I'm doing.

Well, unless you're planning
on strangling him

with the fairy lights,
I'm not sure you do.

Believe me, Danny,
for the first time in a long time,

I'm clear about what needs
to happen.

Oh. Well, good.

That's... That's good, I suppose.

What about you? What about me?

Do you know what you're doing?
About the Tom situation.

There is no Tom situation.

You like him. Yeah, well...

It's really not the right time
for stuff like this.

There's never a right time.

Sometimes we just have to close
our eyes and jump into the water.

What if I can't...
What if I can't swim?

Then you'd best have someone
waiting to catch you.

What are you doing?

That's a bit uncalled for.

Fuck off!

I kicked the fence.

Good.

I told Brian to fuck off.

OK.

I haven't got cancer.

That's good.

That's very good.

I was scared.

I know.

You scrub up well.

Nice to make an effort
sometimes. Come in.

We're staying here?

I thought it might be,
you know, more intimate.

Well, when you put it like that.

Mm.

I've missed your baking.

You are a seriously
great cook, you know.

I know. If I'm honest,

I'm a little bit lost at
the kitchen without you.

Glad I was good for something.

No, I don't mean that.
I mean that, like,

you know, we're a great fit.
You with your skills

and me with mine. Like, together.

I see that now. Right.

And I know you better
than anyone else in this world.

You don't have to be embarrassed
about wanting me back.

And I'm not embarrassed.
Cos I want you back.

So come on,
we both know how this goes.

Why?

Well... Cos I...
Well, I just, erm...

No. I mean, really. Why?

I'd like you to sit there
and tell me.

Tell me every reason you have
for wanting me back.

Like, now?

OK. Erm, right...

You're making me work for it.
Well, I... I respect that.

You...

I'll... I'll get there. I will.

HE CLEARS HIS THROAT

It's a good job these
pressure-treated gravel boards

are designed to
withstand storm damage.

In fact, they're so strong,

I might make me coffin
out of 'em...

Sorry.

No harm done.

To the fence, at least.

Not like you to get worked up.

Reached the end
of your tether, did you?

I thought I was going to die.

Oh, right, well...

In that case, you kick that fence
as much as you need, Ralph.

Do you hear me?

Sometimes I find it helps
to punch a cushion.

The one I use is from my sister.

Got a picture of a Scotty dog on it.

Everyone said I should feel happy.

What do they know?

I've always said
happiness was overrated.

So I told my wife, anyway.

Until she found
she was happier somewhere else.

If you're not happy,

how do you feel?

You'll work it out.

That holiday you booked in 2016,
that was amazing.

Right. And you can always do them

self-service checkout things
without making them shout at you.

Is that it?
No. No, erm... You are...

You're sexy.
And beautiful. Obviously.

Any other cliches you'd like to add?

No. No. I mean, come on.

You know I'm rubbish with words.

I'm... I'm a bit more
of an action man.

Action Man doesn't have
a penis, though, does he?

Your sense of humour.
Right? OK, I've missed that.

Please, I'm just, I'm...

I'm begging you to come back.

Begging? Mm-hm.

Gary, since we broke up,

I thought I wouldn't be happy unless
I found someone to replace you.

How're you getting on with that?
Well, I dated half of Cumbria.

But then I realised I was
looking in the wrong place.

Well, you said it, babe.

I realised I don't want you.

I don't want another man.

I want something for myself.

The lease is up on this place.

The bakery, that's what I want.

Are you... Are you...
Are you winding me up?

I mean, come on. This dump?

I spoke to them today,
I know I can make a go of this.

I just need my half of the deposit
from our joint account.

Well, is that... Is that why
you called me here? I mean...

We're saving up for a flat.

You broke my heart.

Well, all right, but...
I said sorry.

Actually, you didn't.

You never said that.

Everyone told me you were
a dickhead, Gary. Just...

Do you really want to waste
the best years of your life

without me in them?

And they were right.

Fine. Do you know what?
You can have your money.

I only want what's fair.

I just hope you know
what you're doing.

I do.

Finally.

And even if I don't,

I know I'm 100% right
doing it without you.

Ralph?

Thank you.

That's very kind of you.

Was there something else?

Before I fall on this vanilla slice

like a jackal in a
wildlife documentary?

No.

How am I going to die?

Ralph, I'm sorry,

I don't know how anybody's
going to die.

Although I'm pretty sure in my case,

cholesterol will come looking
for me one day soon.

You don't know. I'm clever,
but I'm not that clever.

And I think you've guessed
that already.

You knew about the cancer.

I knew that you're at higher risk
of testicular cancer, yes.

Because I've got Down's syndrome.

Yes. But turns out you had a cyst.

And you can live a long

and healthy life
just like anybody else.

You do have some health risks,
but...don't we all?

I have to be more careful.

OK, yes, you do. In some ways.

And Katie, too.

Yes. But Katie's practically
a walking smoothie.

I think she's got the message.

Look, you had a shock.

But you managed it.

You came here and we sorted it out.
You sorted it out.

And I get it,
it made you think about death

and what it might have been
if it had been more serious.

You might well be at more risk
of testicular cancer

because of your Down's syndrome
but the rest -

the being scared, the worry -

that's no different for you.
That's the same for everybody.

Everyone gets those feelings.

Especially here, in my office,

when they find out I'm not
really a doctor at all.

You did the right thing coming here.

I know. You said.

I mean now -

to tell me that you're
still worried.

But don't let any other patients
know I said that.

I don't want them all
thinking they're invited.

Brian is strange.

He punches cushions.

We're all a bit strange.

I'm going to freeze you. What?

When you die.

Right.

Well, keep me warm until then.

MUSIC: Lady Divine by Alela Diane

# When the day
When the day falls to the light... #

Danny? Is everything OK?

Brilliant. Ralph's had good news.

That's amazing.

So...

..nothing's going to change.

I'm... I'm sticking around, and...

And I'm happy about it.

Although it...doesn't mean
I couldn't be happier.

Thing is...

..I like you.

And Emma's made me
realise something.

OK.

She says...

She said there might
never be a right time.

A right time for what?

Er...

Learning to swim.

What? Yeah, she said you have to
just close your eyes and jump in,

but I don't like closing my eyes,
and then she said...

I like you, too.

Does this count as being happier?

I'd say it's a start, yeah.

# When the chairs are tucked
into the fading song

# And the silver of their pours
has grown long

# Oh, they call to the dark

# Take the bones off my back

# And they chant to the black

# You were my lady divine... #