Ralph & Katie (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 6 - The Motherships Have Landed - full transcript

MUSIC: Merry Xmas Everybody
by Slade

# Are you hanging up
your stocking on your wall?

# It's the time when every Santa
has a ball

# Does he ride a red-nosed reindeer?

# Does a ton-up on his sleigh?

# Do the fairies keep him
sober for a day?

# So here it is, Merry Christmas

# Everybody's having fun
It's Christmas!

# Look to the future now

# It's only just begun... #

DOORBELL RINGS



Hello, darling.

I just dropped off the last
of my Christmas cards.

Thought I'd swing by to confirm
you're still OK to do

the bread sauce - because that time
your dad tried to make it,

well, it was like glue.

Oh, hello, Ralph.

I like your hat.

Thank you. And I thought, Ralph,
since this is your first Christmas

with the family, you might like
to do the pigs in blankets,

the crowd-pleaser?

Only I've already bought the pigs,
and the blankets,

so it's just squishing them
in together, really.

We'll sort it. Thanks, Mum. Great.

Right, I'll be off then.



I'm just so excited for us all
to be together on the big day.

What's she on about?

We're not going there for Christmas.

Yes, we are. It's all arranged.

But I told my mum that we're going
to hers for Christmas.

It's all been arranged.

OK, so you said you'd go
to Katie's parents?

We didn't.

And you were going to talk
to your mum? I never said that.

Right, so there's been
a miscommunication.

The main thing is,
what do you want to do now?

We should go to my mum and dad's.

They've had a tough time.

They need me.
That's a good point.

I can't leave my mum all alone.

Also a good point.

But couldn't Louise go with you
to Katie's parents'?

She wouldn't have that.

No, he's right. She insists on
being at home at Christmas.

I mentioned Lapland
might be nice for a change

and she looked at me like
I'd shat in Santa's Grotto.

It's OK.

We'll go to your parents.
I will talk to my mum.

Aww, you two.

I wish I could bottle you.

I don't mean, like, physically.
I mean, you know,

you're so lovely together.

Couple goals.

What about you?

Eh?

Who are you spending Christmas with?
Me nan.

What about Tom?

Well, ah... I guess he'll be
at home with his folks.

Have you not asked him?

It's just what you do, innit?

When are you going to talk
to Louise?

You must've read my mind.
These blooming things,

every year. I thought they'd
look nice around the window.

Here. It's good you popped round.

I wanted to go through the plans
for Christmas. Right.

Is Katie still all right
to sort the mince pies?

Thought I'd come over tomorrow
and get them. Mum...

Then I'll do a final shop,
so if there's anything

that you want me to get...
How's that happened?

Mum, can I...? Do you remember that
Christmas we had the power cut?

I spent all that time peeling spuds,

only for the oven to go off
halfway through.

We had no hot water, no telly.

Just you and me wrapped in blankets,
playing cards and eating beans.

Cold beans.

Do you know, Ralph,

I think that's the best Christmas
dinner I've ever had.

Just you and me.

And of course it'll be lovely
to have Katie over this year.

The three of us.

My new family.

Blimey.

I could come over all emotional,
if I had a heart!

I'm just really
looking forward to it.

Anyway, was there something
you wanted,

or did you just come round
to rescue your mum?

I'm just saying hello.

Right, then.
I'll get the kettle on.

Unless you fancy cold beans.

I'm sorry. I couldn't tell her.

It's OK.

I don't want to let my mum down.

You won't.

We will talk to her together
tomorrow.

Parents are weird.

Christmas is weird.

BIRDS CHIRP

DOORBELL RINGS

KATIE GROANS

# Ding dong, merrily on high!

# In heav'n the bells are ringing

# Ding dong, verily the sky

# Is riv'n with angels singing

# Glo... #

Come on, lazy bones. We need you to
shake a tin in the town square.

Get yourself dressed.
# ..o-oria, hosanna... #

My mum needs me to get dressed.

We'll talk to her later

about Christmas.

Yep.

# Glo-o-o-o-o-o-o
O-o-o-o-o-o-o... #

Oh, it's lovely, isn't it,
Christmas Eve?

It was always your favourite.

The shopping, the carols,
the carrot for the reindeer.

It's nice for a lie-in.

I was thinking, do you and Katie
want to stop over tonight,

and then we can do presents
first thing?

I've got chocolate croissants.

Come back to ours after this.

We'll talk about it.

Oh, OK.

Right, ladies and gentlemen,
shall we get going?

# La... #

How did she take the news
about Christmas Day?

She doesn't know.
It's not the right time.

Well, don't hang about.
Bandits at three o'clock.

# ..cattle shed

# Where a mother laid her baby

# In a manger... #

All right, Ralph?

Lovely morning for it.

I need you to shake this over there.

Right, but I've not quite...
finished me shopping.

It's for charity.

Right.

# He came down to Earth from heaven

# Who is God and Lord of all
CAMERA SHUTTER

# And His shelter was a stable

# And His cradle was a stall... #

KATIE: Morning, Brian.

Morning.

Can't let our feathered friends
go hungry this time of year.

Excited for Christmas?

I'm going to me sister's.

She slathers everything
in goose fat.

She doesn't seem to understand
I'm half a buttered crumpet away

from a lifetime on statins.

Where will you two
be spending tomorrow?

Good question.

Mum wants us there.

Oh. And Ralph's mum?

Wants us there. That's Christmas
for you, I'm afraid.

A magical time of year
where we celebrate

the birth of our saviour
with a family argument

and an extra dollop
of emotional blackmail.

You know where I am,
in case of emergencies.

Thanks for the Christmas cake,
by the way.

I'm allergic to marzipan,
but I will make the best of it.

DOORBELL RINGS

KATIE SIGHS

Nice one, though.

I'll make good use of these.
See ya.

Yuletide cappuccino.

I like the antlers, by the way.
Thanks. I got a bit carried away.

I mean it. You look like
a hot Rudolph.

Cheers.

If this is what you're like in
the build-up I can't wait to see you

on the day itself. I think
I've peaked, to be honest.

It'll be quieter tomorrow.
Nan'll be cooking,

and she likes us to watch
Strictly together.

I could get on board with that.
I love a bit of ballroom.

Oh, right.

That was me inviting myself
to yours, by the way.

Oh! Really? I mean, it's not...

We don't...really do anything.
We're really dull,

and Nan'll probably nod off, so...
Fine with me.

Well, it's...

It's probably a bit early
for meeting the family.

Is it? Isn't it?

Oh. OK.

No, no, I didn't mean it...
Like, y'know, it's just,

it's Christmas, you know?
Turkey and that.

I mean, who even likes turkey?

I mean, it's all a big pressure,
b-but maybe we could...

No. You're...

..probably right. Too soon.

I'll see you on the other side,
then. Happy Christmas.

I bought Clare an egg poacher.

The Egg Poacher Supreme.

The sales guy said
it's a big hit with the ladies.

Does she like eggs?
I'll just say hello to your mum.

She's busy.

Thanks for volunteering, Steve.

Ralph didn't give me much choice.

You all set for the big day?

Oh, you know Clare.
Everything has to be perfect.

Especially this year,
with our guests of honour.

Who are they, then? What?
Your guests of honour?

Well, Ralph here, and Katie.

Oh, not like that.

Maybe if you use another
jelly sweet.

DOOR OPENS

Nothing more Christmassy
than our gingerbread house.

Hi, Louise.

Hello.

Everything all right?

Well, it's funny you should
ask that, Clare,

because there seems to have been
a bit of a mix-up. Mix-up?

With tomorrow. Louise thought
the kids were going to her.

But it's all arranged. They're
coming to us for Christmas Day.

Well, that's just it, you see,
because I don't seem to have

a note about that in my calendar,
which is a bit strange,

wouldn't you say? Mum...

You're right. It's very strange.

The thing is, I've already
pre-ordered the turkey.

It's a corn-fed Norfolk bronze.
Organic.

How lovely. Ralph doesn't
usually eat turkey,

but I'm sure he'll make do.
We always have goose. Mum!

Well, goose can be a bit fatty,
can't it?

I assure you I've thought
of everything.

Been planning this for months.
And you did have 'em at Easter...

So we're not counting
your summer barbecue, then?

You were invited. Or your little
shindig on Bonfire Night?

Well, now you're just
splitting hairs. Mum!

TIMER BUZZES
I've got it.

Christmas. Who'd have it?

You and Clare, apparently. Ow!
CRASH

I'm fine. Everything's fine.

Look, I know you're closed,

but I need a coffee
and somewhere to hide.

Why? What's going on?
It... It's Christmas.

Christmas is what's going on.

Danny.

DANNY SIGHS

I managed to ruin things with Tom.

You know, I just didn't expect him
to ask me directly

about Christmas Day.

That must have been a surprise,

what with it being Christmas Eve
and everything.

Yeah, I panicked, all right?
I thought you liked him.

I do, and you know, that's why
I want it to be just us for now,

you know, getting to know
each other,

without any of the other...stuff.

Is it such a disaster that
he wants to spend time with you?

No. But I just think
it's a bit soon for him

to be coming round to me nan's
and her, you know,

getting the photo albums out.

That's what you're scared of, is it,

that she'll show him baby photos
of you in the bath?

Or is it that you think
the more he learns about you

the less he'll like you?

Look, you know me,

and I'll always tell you
the truth. But I think...

Yeah, but you're
a hopeless romantic.

Eh, less of the hopeless,
thank you.

Fine, I'm a romantic,

but I'm also a businesswoman now.

And I know a good thing
when I see it.

Trust me.

I'm sure the more Tom sees of you,
the more he will like you.

You're lovely.

You're being kind.

Do you wanna stick around
for a bit,

help me Emma-fy this place?

Nah, I should be going.

Thanks for the coffee.

TAPPING

I'm sure we can come to
an arrangement about tomorrow.

Perhaps.

We could join forces.

How about you all come over
to my place? More the merrier.

Job done. That hand'll be
no good for cooking,

and, well, goose might be
a nice change.

Fatty goose. Lovely.

I'll still be doing
my famous bread sauce.

Right, then. That's settled.

I thought you liked my turkey.
Shall we say 12 o'clock?

Steve, pass me the clipboard.

DISTANT: Now, what are your thoughts
on the hors d'oeuvres?

I'm a vol-au-vent traditionalist
myself.

So that's decided.

Yeah.

Merry Christmas.

MUSIC: Merry Christmas Everyone
by Shakin' Stevens

# Snow is falling

# All around me

# Children playing

# Having fun

# It's the season

# Love and understanding... #

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Emma.

EMMA GASPS
I love it!

LAUGHTER
Oh...

You're the boss now. I know.

My very own baking empire.

I feel like Mary Berry.

Aww, this is perfect.

Tom got me an apron too,

but it's a bit cheeky to wear
in front of the customers.

It's a shame that Tom's not here.

Erm, that one's...

That one's from me.

Hmm. Football-themed
bathing accessories.

The ultimate festive gift.

Cheers, Danny.

Right, let's leave
these lovebirds to it. Yes.

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, guys.

BOTH: Merry Christmas!

It's not too late
to sort things out, you know.

You just... You need to explain.

If I call him now, he'll just think
it's cos I'm lonely at Christmas.

But you are lonely at Christmas.

Honestly, if you carry on like this,
you'll end up like Brian.

Just talk to Tom.

Brian's got some good qualities.

I've got to go.

Nan'll be on the Baileys by now,
so...

Happy Christmas, mate.

Oh... Thank you.

Mm...

You brought your turkey, then?
Just in case.

I insisted. Clare makes
the best turkey on the planet.

I could eat this stuff all day.

You know, I am blessed.

Truly, truly...blessed.

Wine?

Yes, please.

Are Ralph and Katie on their way?

I'm sure they'll be here any minute.

MARIACHI-STYLE MUSIC

Best. Christmas. Ever.

It smells a bit...cheesy.

That'll be the Roquefort.

Blimey. I hope everyone's hungry.

PHONE ALERTS
Oh...

Aww.

They're not coming?

Doing things their own way.

I suppose we did rather
bulldoze them.

MUSIC: Lonely This Christmas
by Mud

Well...

..more food for us, I suppose.

Come on, Steve. We've got
a lot of these to get through.

# It'll be lonely
this Christmas... #

CRACKER POPS

CHEERING ON TV

# Every single year on Christmas Day

# We've got these old traditions
and they never change

# Mom is worried that
the turkey's up in flames

# And Uncle Bobby's stuck
on the motorway

# Everybody smells like
cheap cologne

# Got a full house... #

BRIAN ARGUING IN BACKGROUND

# Enough to make Santa insane

# We sleep and we wake up
We fight and we make up... #

RINGING

# I guess I kinda like it
this way... #

Do you think you could
get away for a bit?

Yeah. Why?
I could use a break from my folks.

See you in the town square? Great.

Brian's having a bad day.

Would you like a cup of tea?

Please.

Nice place you've got here.

Really nice.

I know.

Thank you.

Thanks for having me.

I was supposed to be
at me sister's by now,

but I said her sprouts
were unconventional.

So I've been banned.

Have you eaten?

We've got pizza.

And beer.

Oh...

Thank you.

So then I said that they WERE
misshapen and different sizes,

and I could only paint what I saw.

And they didn't like that.

So that was the end for me
and life drawing, I'm afraid.

Have you finished your tea, Brian?
That's my cue.

So it appears you got the Christmas
you wanted in the end, Katie.

And it turns out I did too,
thanks to you two.

You know, it's no secret -
when you first moved in here,

I didn't know what to expect.

Let's just say it wasn't this.

Now, I really should be
leaving you to it.

I'm sure you've got lots of
nice gifts to dig into.

Merry Christmas.

Ey, that's very generous.

Hey, hey, hey!

Oh!

Well, I'm not usually one
for football,

but I do love
a statement waterfowl.

Merry Christmas, Brian.

I'll think of you, Ralph,

every time I perform my ablutions.

Thank you.

Cheerio!

Merry Christmas.

You're not Emma.

Sorry to disappoint.
No, please, I...

It's great to see you.

Even if you don't want to see me.

Emma's doing?

I told her I thought
I'd messed things up.

Full marks for self-awareness.
Have I?

Have I messed things up?

You're lucky I'm a sucker for pie.

I got all in my head, and...

And I didn't know what
you'd expect from Christmas,

and, you know, I'm not good
at all the boyfriend stuff.

Boyfriend stuff? You know, cards,
presents, parents, gestures.

I never know what's too much
and what's not enough.

So I tend to underplay things and...

And that comes over as indifferent.

Cold and hostile, even. Really?

Shit.

Well, thank goodness for Emma
and her emotional pastries, eh?

I thought you'd gone off me.
No, no, I...

I really like you. I just...

I panicked when I thought
about you coming to mine,

seeing a different side to me. I...

..didn't want to put you off,
when you're so...

What, confident?

You think this comes naturally?

Bundle of nerves, darling.

We can work it out together.

That's part of being with someone.

I want to be with you.

Me too. Really?

Really.

And what if I were to
call you Tommy?

Then it would definitely be over.
DANNY LAUGHS

Fun fact.

Reindeers have four stomachs.

They use them for storage,

so they bring undigested
food back up

to be chewed again when needed.

Like leftovers.

Anyone for seconds?

Oh, no, thank you.

That goose was nice, though.

Why did Santa
have to go to hospital?

Because of his poor 'elf.
That has been in every year.

Why did the pink...? More wine?
Absolutely, yes.

Surprise!
LOUISE SHRIEKS

Come here, you!

Oh, Happy Christmas! Oh!

Ah!

# Jingle bell, jingle bell
Jingle bell rock

# Jingle bells swing
and jingle bells ring

# Snowin' and blowin' up
bushels of fun

# Now the jingle hop has begun

# Jingle bell... #
Two words.

Er... It's a film. Film, yeah?

# Jingle bells chime
in jingle bell time

# Dancin' and prancin'
in Jingle Bell Square

# In the frosty air

# What a bright time... #
Reindeer?

LAUGHTER
# It's the right time

# To rock the night away

# Jingle bell time
is a swell time... #

THEY LAUGH
Happy Christmas.

# ..in a one-horse sleigh

# Giddy-up, jingle horse
Pick up your feet... #

Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas, darling.

Ralph, Katie?
What are you doing for New Year's?

# That's the jingle bell rock

# Jing, jing, jingle bell
Jingle bell rock

# Jingle bells chime
in jingle bell time

# Dancin' and prancin'
in Jingle Bell Square

# In the frosty air

# What a bright time

# It's the right time

# We're gonna rock your night away

# Jingle bell time is a swell time

# To go glidin' in
a one-horse sleigh

# Yeah, giddy-up, Jingle Horse

# Pick up those feet

# Jingle around the clock

# Mix and mingle
and a jinglin' beat

# That's the jingle bell

# That's the jingle bell

# That's the jingle bell rock. #