Ralph & Katie (2022–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - Empty Nest - full transcript

ALARM BEEPS

PHONE CHIMES

Who's that?

My mum.

PHONE HONKS
Who's that?

Your dad.

"Let's book a pedicure."

That's weird. Mum doesn't like
people touching her feet.

"Does your boiler need checking?"

What's going on?

The problem with cyclists
is they have very specific needs.



Which date is this?

Jim. Tim?

Tim was the rector,
Jim is cycle shorts guy.

What happened with Tim?

Oh, he danced with his hips,
and not in a good way.

Anyway, Jim was saying how his ex

would rub his saddle sores
with lotion.

So he's a no.

Oh, no.
We've got another date tomorrow.

Sounds exhausting.

Well, it's not where I thought
I'd be a year ago.

I thought I'd be like you
and Ralph. Planning for the future.

You don't need a guy for that.

Don't I?



I hope Jim wears trousers this time.

Mum?

Thought I'd drop in.

Is this because I said no
to a pedicure?

No! I hate pedicures,
you were right.

So how about tickets for a matinee?

I'm working.
Tomorrow, then.

Yes, all right. Silly me.

I like matinees.

Something romantic about
sitting in the dark in the day.

On your own, not so much.

It's fine, really.

Has your dad been in?

Why would Dad come in?

No, of course.

It's fine.

Mum, what do you mean by fine?

I mean...

..it's not fine.

You know, that shop could have gone
twice as quick if you hadn't

insisted on counting out
all your coins. I like cash.

Yeah, yeah. You like coins in your
pocket and a wad in your wallet.

Katie would like us
to manage our budget

with a bank app, not an abacus. So
she can see what we're spending.

Hey, did... Did you do this?

Well, there's a paintbrush
on Brian's washing line.

Did...did you ask him to do it?

Did he at least ask
before coming in the garden?

You know what he's like.
He never asks.

He just comes in.
He's been watering Katie's plants.

She likes to water her own plants.

It's bad manners, Ralph,
he can't keep doing this.

You'll have to have a word.
You're our PA. You could do it.

My shift ended five minutes ago.

It's my day off.

I'm going to relax.

DOORBELL RINGS

Don't get up. I'll get it.

DOORBELL RINGS

Oh, hiya.

Visitor, Ralph.

There was a deal on bin bags.

And the other day I noticed you had
a couple of light bulbs out,

so I thought I'd give them all
a check. Save you the bother.

Katie at work, is she?

Yeah. It's my day off.

Yeah, and I'm just off now actually,
but Ralph'll make you a brew.

Leave you to it, Ralph.

I might take a look at your
smoke alarm while I'm here.

Can't be too careful.

I mean, you know me,
I'm a chatty Cathy.

Whereas your dad, well,
he shouts at Ken Bruce on the radio

but the rest of the time he's quiet.

But lately, too quiet.
He doesn't talk to me any more.

Or shout at Ken Bruce.

I shouldn't be telling you this.

You should. You're my mum.

You'll think I'm awful,
but yesterday I actually counted.

It got to teatime and he'd said
six words to me all day.

I pointed it out to him.

"You've said six words to me today.

"The bin man said more to me
when I put the recycling out."

He left the table

and I found him upstairs
sitting on the bed.

I think he was...

..crying.

You never know, Clare.

Maybe he trapped his finger
in a drawer or something.

Do you know what?
I think I'll pop the closed sign

on the door for five minutes.

The thing you need to know is,
whatever happens,

nothing will change for you.

What do you mean?
Are you splitting up?

I don't know.

I'm taking my mum home.

I've checked all the LEDs,
put a new bulb in on the landing.

I'll leave you these as spares. You
can never have too many light bulbs.

Well, you can.

Are you all right?

I could use another brew.

DOOR OPENS

Your dad's here.

Hello, love.

I need to talk to Mum.

Give us a minute?

Ralph. Take my dad upstairs.

What?

Give us a minute.

Leave the bulbs.

Can I have an egg and mayo to go,
please?

Now that's a statement.
What?

I need to get a photo of this.

What, why?

For posterity.
For your future grandkids.

Mick bought it for me.

You must really like him if you're
letting him dress you like that.

Says the girl going out
with cycle shorts guy.

Exactly. I know desperation
when I see it. That'll be £2.

Er...interesting choice.

I'm getting just
the merest hint of sarcasm there.

Mick bought it for him.

I like it. It's, er...
Well, I mean, it's knitwear.

I never, never had you down
as a knitwear guy.

But...but it's a nice gesture.

Yeah.

Best get back.

See, this is why I'm single.
It's far less complicated.

Reckon Katie's mum
might agree with you.

Maybe your dad and I are just more
different than I thought we were.

Being different's good.
It makes life interesting.

It certainly was for us before.

Our differences used to
light a spark between us.

What's changed?

I like that picture.
You and Ralph have got good taste.

Louise bought it. What's changed?

I don't know.

If there's no talk
and there's no fight,

how am I supposed to fix it?

Or maybe this has been coming on
for years. And now you've...

It's because I left?

No.

Well...

..maybe a bit.

Ever thought of having
a television up here?

Bedrooms are for sleeping in.

I mean, it is a thing, empty nest.

It's just a saying,
and I don't think that's all of it.

Not for your dad.

Then what is it?
I don't understand.

I'm not sure I do either.

That neighbour of yours
is in your garden.

Yeah. He does that.

Have you had a word?

We're still a family.

You still have me.

We'll always have you.

I'm sorry, Steve.

I'm not doing well here.
I can't explain how you feel.

Is this because of me? No.

I left and now you're breaking up?
No! No, love. It's not like that.

Well, what, then?
Because you won't talk to me.

VOICES IN GARDEN

Did you only stay together
because of me?

No! So what is it? Just explain.

It's not that simple.

I've just got to go
and see what's going on.

You need to ask
before you come into our garden.

On the other hand, Ralph,

I think a bit of thanks might be
in order, don't you?

Everything all right?
Ah, Steve.

I was just explaining to Ralph
how I was doing them a favour

and he seems to have got hold
of the wrong end of the stick.

You never asked.

I saw the fence needed painting,
so I did something about it.

We don't need... You came into
their garden without asking.

I was just being a good neighbour.

More like a stalker.

All I mean
is you know and I know,

it's best if I keep an eye.

If anyone is keeping an eye
on my daughter and her husband

it'll be me.
In't that right, Ralph?

Am I sensing a bit of
a communication problem here?

What I'm sensing
is a bit of a you problem.

Sticking your oar in
where it's not wanted.

So, you can take this...

..and this, and piss off
back to your own garden.

I think somebody needs to go back
inside, take a few deep breaths.

And if the bloody fence needs
painting on their side,

I'll do it. Dad!

Katie.

Bad language rather loses the man
the argument, I feel.

What's wrong with you?

Why are you doing this?
Because he can't!

All of you, inside.

Not you, Brian.

I want you to leave.

But Ralph...
Katie's right. You should go.

This is our house,

and I'd like you both to leave.

I'm sorry.

Pepperoni?

No, thank you.

Cheese?
Can't have a pizza without cheese?

I'm not really hungry.

Sorry about what my dad said.

You always say sorry
when it's not your fault.

He is my dad.

Imagine if I said sorry
for my mum all the time.

Dad never gets angry.

He's probably overdue
letting off some steam, then.

It is my fault.

It's because I left.

You leaving probably just
gave them a chance

to clear out the cupboards
and see what was there.

That's not always a bad thing.
But what if they break up?

My mum was better on her own.

Yeah, I don't... I don't think

that's going to make Katie feel
any better.

You can't be the glue
in your parents' marriage.

It's got to work on their terms,
like you and Ralph work on yours.

Well, if I had to live with Clare,
I'd struggle. Poor Steve.

And poor Clare.

How's Katie taking it?

She's not sleeping.

Worrying does that to you.
It never stops.

She thinks it's her fault.

Of course she does.
It's typical Katie.

But you can tell her it's not.

Was it my fault?

Yours? Not unless you've done
something I don't know about.

You and Doug. Dad.

Was it too hard?

Was I too hard?

Well, of course it was bloody hard.

You were a nightmare at times,
and so was your father.

Look, Doug and I
were never the right fit,

and that was about us, not you.

Maybe we could've tried harder,

but that would have involved
a brain transplant on his part.

My only advice to anyone in
a marriage is just do your best.

That's all you can do.

And don't keep an axe under your bed
because one day you might use it.

You're welcome.

My mum sent you this.

She wasn't much help.

You talked to her?

Is that OK?

Of course. Tell her thank you.

I'll see you later.

What does your dad
keep under his bed?

His fishing rod. Why?

Nothing.

Are you sure you'll be OK?

Course. Get going.

Geraldine's only the boss
for two more weeks,

so we can do what we like.

Where are you meeting Jim?

Here. So he can see me at my best.

And I'm keeping my phone on,
so text if you need to talk, right?

I won't spoil your date,

but text me
if he's wearing trousers.

This is nice, isn't it?

Just like the old days.

I hate fishing.

What? Catching?

Killing? Cleaning?

All of it.

Even when we used to make those
home-made flies out of balloons

and feathers? Or when we toasted
the trout on the spit?

I liked spending time with you.

I liked spending time with you, too.

Ralph looks after me now.

I know.

He told me that
the day you got married.

In the urinals at the village hall.

He said he wouldn't shake my hand,
but he'd always take care of you.

He has his own ways to do things.

He does.

But a little helping hand
now and again...

We solve problems together.

I get it.

You don't need my help.

What's wrong?

Nobody told me.

You were this baby,
this bomb in my hands,

and by the time I got used to
holding you, you'd gone.

Married.

I didn't know I'd have to deal
with that.

I thought I'd have more time.

More time for what?
Oh, I don't know.

To figure out
what you needed of me.

To enjoy you.

The important thing is,
you don't have to worry any more.

Worrying's what I miss.

Been doing it for 30-odd years -
I miss it.

I don't know what to do
with myself when I'm not.

What's that got to do with Mum?

She knows how to fit in
with you and Ralph.

I know that's not fair.

But I could hardly take it out
on you, could I?

Maybe you should.
It might be better.

Might be better if you'd told me
you didn't like fishing.

I don't want us to change either.

We should find something else
to do.

Something we both enjoy.

Roller skating? Not that.

You'll always be my dad.

Ralph definitely is not that.

WOLF WHISTLE

Oh, I always did like
the view from here.

Gary?

You know, break-ups usually do
one of two things to a woman.

Either turn them to the cake
or to the treadmill.

And I figured since you were still
working here...

I forgot you were a prick.

I'm saying you look good.

Oh. Thanks.

So how's the love life?

It's OK. Going on a few dates.

Having fun seeing
what's out there, mostly.

Yeah, I've seen you.

Every time I go on one of them
dating apps, you're there.

I kept waiting for a swipe,
but then found myself wondering,

maybe all of this was just
to make me jealous.

Ridiculous, I know, but...

..it worked.

What worked?

You. All of this.

I miss you.

I mean, I'll be honest,
I didn't expect to want you back.

But, hey, I thought about it
and, well,

we weren't that bad, were we?

I want us to get back together.

I want what we had,
and I reckon that you do too.

Will you think about it?

Don't take too long.

Hi, Jim.

You're about to cycle over here?

Er...

I'm really sorry,
but something's come up.

Yeah. Yeah, I'll, I'll text you.

OK.

PHONE CHIMES

What time did he say
to meet him here?

Half an hour ago.

Must be a good sign, though?

Like when the jury's out for
a long time on a murder trial.

DOOR OPENS

Are you both OK?
How was the fishing?

Katie still casts
like she's whipping huskies.

And Dad talked a lot.

So.

So.

Mr and Mrs T! Just in time.

I made you this. Lemon drizzle.

Oh, you didn't have to.

I wanted to do something,
helpful this time.

Katie's my mate and, well,
everything's better with cake.

Are we going to be OK?
I don't know.

But I want to try.

I'm sorry about Steve.
He was in the wrong.

Well, thank you. Apology accepted.

He's got issues.

Haven't we all?

Yeah, you have.

I'm sorry I upset him.

And I'm sorry I painted your fence
without asking.

Your side.

Our side.

Neighbours.

Neighbours.

Wait there.

There you go,
if you want to finish it.

Thanks.

Oh, and I picked this up
the other day,

at the Slate Museum.

I want you to have it.
Right.

Thanks.

It's a clean slate.

Do you see?

Nice one, Brian.

I enjoy a pun in the right place.

Guys, you need to come in.

There's someone here
who needs cheering up.

So Mick and I broke up.

What? Why?

Was it the jumper?

He was always late!

Always reorganising
my cutlery drawer.

I'm mature enough
to recognise by now

when a relationship
isn't getting any better.

So it was the jumper.

Emma knows what I'm talking about.

When a relationship
has run its course.

Actually, Gary wants me back.

What? Really?

Cheek of it! I hope you told him
where to get off.

You did tell him no, didn't you?

Not exactly, no.

You didn't say yes?

No...

Not yet, anyway.

Er...

I don't need to decide now, do I?

Put your backs into it, lads.

What did your last servant die of?

Disobedience.
LAUGHTER

You're not going to win that one.
Yeah.

You all right?

Yeah, I'll bounce back.

We should set up
a painters and decorators.

They could be our bosses.

What do you think, Ralph?
Looks pretty good.

We should have painted it red.

ALL LAUGH