Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 9 - The Chance Who Stole Christmas - full transcript

All the Nates
down in Natesville

liked Christmas a lot,

From its oldest old person

to its tiniest tot.

'Twas a time for good neighbors
to sip spiked radish punch,

to hang lights at high heights,
and drink eggnog for lunch.

They ate kazoo cookies till
their stomachs grew sore,

then forgot why they stopped
and ate a few more.

Yes, everyone's hearts
brimmed over with holiday cheer.

Except for one, inside the man

Who sits alone way up here.



Stupid Christmas.

You might be asking yourself,

"What's with the sad surly man
and his Santa-like dog?

Who sapped Burt's spirits?

Who de-yuled his log?

And why is he up there?

His family's way down below!"

It all began on Thanksgiving,
about four weeks ago.

Virginia, over here.

It's my fault we're late.
I couldn't find my turkey-ass sweatshirt.

Without the ass,
mine's just a tacky sweatshirt.

Ooh, ooh, the mayor's float.

Hopefully, she sobered up this year.

Happy Thanksgiving!



Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh, that looks so fun.

I wish I had that job.

- Mayor?
- No, mayor's husband.

He gets to execute
the turkey every year.

Ooh, here we go.

Oh, she gets me all tingly.

Why are the drunk ones
always married?

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!

Is that you, Virginia?

And right there and
then, in the crowd's full view,

the mayor fell off the wagon
in not one way...

...but two.

Whoa!
Drunk mayor down.

Mayor Hellman!

Are you okay?

Looks like the mayor's
going back to rehab.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I wonder who we'll elect
to be interim mayor this time.

If I were mayor,

I'd turn the town seal
into a shark,

so it could eat
the other towns' seals.

If I were mayor,
I would forget I was the mayor.

If I were mayor, I'd get rid
of the mandatory retirement age.

I think old people are
more capable than we realize.

If I were mayor, I'd probably
forget I was the mayor.

I think I'd want to be mayor
so Virginia could be First Lady.

Then she could light the tree
at the town's Christmas Celebration.

That would be the best gift ever.

I usually just give her batteries
'cause I know she'll use them.

Well, everyone needs batteries.

My two moms
go through them like crazy.

She likes batteries, but it
would be great to wow her.

She'd flip out if she could light
the Natesville Christmas tree.

You know, Burt, you being mayor
isn't the craziest idea.

I mean, why not Burt Chance?

Why not Burt Chance?

He made so many friends.

Hi, neighbor.

We're taking advantage
of our stop sign

to add a little friendliness
to our community and say hi to folks.

He helped plants shed

their excessive split ends.

What are you doing
so far from home?

And you're a mess.

Nah. I'll have you
pruned up in no time.

He kept even the smallest
of creatures in mind.

I got him!

Today, you live!

No!

Once helped out
a pig who was helping the blind.

Good job, pig.

Yeah. Why not?

So Burt and Virginia,
with their usual pluck,

went out to campaign
after pimping Burt's truck.

Burt for mayor!

Why not Burt?

You got anybody better?
We didn't think so.

He spoke to vets.

Veterans are our greatest heroes.

And people with nets.

Butterfly collectors are
our greatest heroes.

He even spoke to some people
who dressed up like pets.

I don't understand
what's going on here, but...

You seem like
our greatest heroes.

And when they were done
with their whistle-stop rants,

all anyone could say was...

Why not Burt Chance?

Why not Burt Chance?

Why not Burt Chance?

Why not Burt Chance?
Why not...?

While Virginia and Burt
campaigned very hard,

Jimmy and Sabrina posed for
this year's Christmas card.

Come on, Hope.
It's Santa.

You love Santa.

Hope's very first Christmas,

her mom's reputation
gave Hope a bad rap

with the church congregation.

We just can't overlook the fact
that she's a murderer's baby.

Try as they might
to get Hope some salvation,

her ill-equipped family
caused more irritation.

Looks like we're not gonna
be on the news.

And Hope's gonna still
be known as the murderer's baby.

One year Jimmy
got wasted, and being a dope,

he wished for a world
where he never had Hope.

I wish I had never
picked up Lucy in my van.

That silly wish
caused all kinds of strife,

and we sort of ripped off
It's a Wonderful Life.

Merry Christmas, dancin' dan!

It's Christmas?

Christmas 2012
gave Hope a good fright

with Virginia so sure the
Mayan Doomsday was right.

Sabrina, you shouldn't have!

All in the family
seemed ripe for a fight.

'Twas a horrible, deplorable,
spit-orable night.

Ah, come on, Hope.

There's nothing to be afraid of.

Santa's our friend.

Here, watch.

I'll take my picture with him.

Okay, James, go on,
flip the switch.

Ho, ho, ho.

- Help.
- Merry Christmas!

Help!

- Help.
- Ho, ho, ho.

Merry Chris...

Merry...

See?

Ho, ho...

Welcome to interim mayor
election results.

- Shh! It's on!
- Ooh.

In a few minutes,

this channel switches over
to our nightly lotto results.

If I seem rushed, I apologize.

In third place,
with one vote: Ralph Nader.

Every year I try.

In second place, Burt Chance.

- Oh.
- Well, you gave it your best, dad.

And first place is:
More fresh veggies.

But I'm thinking that's because
Howdy's collected

These ballots in their
old suggestion box.

So I guess Burt Chance is mayor.

Congratulations, Mr. Ch...

Tonight's
winning lottery numbers are...

Burt, you did it.

You won!

Natesville chose me.

You're mayor.

You're First Lady.

I'm First Lady!

Would Burt be the greatest
mayor that his town's ever had?

You'll only find out
after watching this ad.

You just saw
some commercials

for home, health and hair,
but while you were gone,

Burt was sworn in as mayor.

Burt, this is amazing.

You are the interim mayor
of Natesville.

Power, influence.

Plus, I think we get
all new cabinets.

Those things are good,
but the best part is,

This year, for Christmas,
I get to give you the gift

of lighting the tree
at the Christmas Festival.

Oh, it's been my dream

since I was a little girl
to light that tree.

And I deem it so.

Oh, could Hope
stand in the front row

of the Christmas choir so
I could get a good picture?

So let it be written,
so let it be done.

Isn't that so great, Hope?

Isn't that great?

How about you, Jimmy?

What's your Christmas wish?

I sort of wish
you'd resign as mayor.

And, like every other
Christmas wish

You've had since you were
five, that's not gonna happen.

Well, you know,
it's just, in the past,

all the other interim mayors
let the job go to their heads

and became
power-hungry dictators.

As interim mayor, let me
start by saying thank you.

And let me end by saying,
I just sold the church bells

To a delicious national taco chain.

I am closing main street

to vehicular traffic
effective immediately.

Why did you do that?!

No further questions!

I'm ending school lunch programs.

- What?
- You suck!

Students' meals must
now be homemade

with groceries bought
from local stores.

On a purely coincidental note,

Brown bags and bologna are
now half off at Howdy's.

Jimmy, I'm not like
all those other mayors.

They took the job
with a selfish agenda.

I just want to get some
special treats for my family.

Yeah, Jimmy.
It's Christmas.

Stop trying to scrooge us
out of something good.

Excuse me.
Mayor Chance?

Yes, minion.

Wow. What a spectacular
inauguration party.

Yeah.

This is Theo.

Oh.

- The mayor's dog.
- Oh.

He's yours for the next 28 days.

Wow, that's a lot of responsibility.

This is what Mayor Hellman
was working on

before she slipped back
into... exhaustion.

"Confidential. Mayor's eyes only."

That means you probably
shouldn't read

the rest of it out loud.

Oh.

What the what?

Once Burt figured out
what the news that he'd seen meant,

He went to the mayor who
had snuck out of treatment.

Burt?

Hi.

I got to make this fast.

Rumor is, a celebrity's coming in.

Please be a Baldwin!
Please be a Baldwin!

I want to thank you for agreeing
to speak to me, Your Honor.

Look, we have a problem.

Uh, did you bring the moisturizing
Dandruff shampoo

- from my office shower?
- Oh, sorry.

Yeah, attaboy.

Wow.

That shampoo smells
a lot like tequila.

What's your problem, Burt?

Is it true
what it said in the file?

You sold the pool
to a fertilizer company.

Now we can't pay the rent.

Now they're gonna build a
giant poop factory on top of it,

And we'll lose the pool forever?

I'm afraid so.

Rinse and repeat.

Why did we sell
the pool in the first place?

We sold the pool to get the money

to fix the fire damage
at the power plant,

because the income from the power plant
helps us fund the fire department,

which we need because
the power plant keeps catching on fire.

I'm gonna run this by Virginia.
She's the money guru in our house.

She'll think of something.

No, no, no.

You can't tell your wife or anyone

how close we are
to financial apocalypse.

We're like
a poorly-knitted sweater, Burt.

Pull one thread,

and you're standing
in front of a whole town

in nothing but your custom bra

that makes your uneven boobs
look normal.

Or whatever
the male equivalent of that is.

I'm gonna miss that pool.

Yeah.

I never knew being mayor meant
making such tough choices.

There is one city budget item
you could cut

that would probably save the pool.

But no mayor has ever
had the stones to try it.

While Burt was told
the mayor's pool-saving plan,

Virginia saw trees
with a tree-sawing man.

Ooh, Dick, this one's gonna
look great in the town square.

No, wait. This one.

No.

This one!

Yes, 100%,

Definitely, I promise.

Nope. Changed my mind.

Hello.

I told you the power
would go to his head! Listen!

Once again, effective immediately,

Natesville's Christmas Celebration
has been canceled.

No further questions.

I'm the mayor, and my word is law.

You suck!

Virginia thought
Jimmy was playing a trick,

but alas, it was true,
Burt turned into a...

Dick, don't cut down that tree!

A mob chased Burt home
with hollers and hoots...

Oh, yeah?

Well, I'm the mayor,
and you're glue.

Whatever I say becomes law.

...and pelted his door
with cakes made of fruits.

You canceled
the Christmas Festival?!

That's the one thing in this town

that every single person loves!

Uh, pretty sure everyone
loves that pool, too.

Well, sure, nothing beats the pool,

But the pool's
going to be around forever.

Please tell me there's
a good reason for this.

There is.
There's a very good reason.

Thank god.
What is it?

I took an oath.
I can't tell anyone.

Okay. What if you
don't tell me, but I guess?

That could work.

Virginia knew
all Burt's secrets,

Even those in his toes.

Like how one twitched when he
lied, like Pinocchio's nose.

Did you cancel
the Christmas Festival

because aliens will use brightly-colored
trees as their landing beacons?

No.

Okay.

Did you cancel it

because the idea of reindeer,
candy canes and trees

has nothing to do with
the actual meaning of the holiday?

No.

All right, well.
Those were two most obvious ones.

This is a pretty big swing.

Is the city out of money?

No.

Bingo!

There's no money
for the Christmas Festival.

I think my toes
have said too much already.

So Virginia
got a brilliant idea.

An awfully brilliant,
resilient idea.

Grab everything Christmasy.

If Natesville can't afford
a Christmas Festival,

Then we're doing it ourselves.

So Maw Maw and Burt,
with the help of his spouse,

grabbed bows and a card
from their pen pal in Laos.

They took every ornament
and each candy cane,

and also the pillow
for Maw Maw's butt pain.

The family Chance snuck
into Howdy's with stealth

to snatch holiday trinkets
and clear every shelf.

They even ripped off
the security elf.

Oh, this is going to be
such a great festival!

It's too bad you can't be there.

Oh, I'm gonna be there.

No way I'm gonna miss your mother
lighting that tree.

I got to see
that look on her face.

But the whole town is mad at you.

You might get candy-caned...
Or shot.

They won't even know I'm
there. I'm going in disguise.

I'll give you a hint.

He wears a red furry suit
and says "Ho, ho, ho."

You're going as a pimp?

Santa Claus.

I'll be going as Santa Claus, Jimmy.

There was a chance

that the Chances
might just save the day.

Sabrina was stacked.

Well, with wreaths, anyway.

One fresh from the womb,
one close to the crypt.

They grabbed all the goodies
their weak hands could grip.

While wreath after wreath
after wreath was unclipped.

Since sugar plums, not
brains, danced in their head,

They thought one tiny dog
could pull one giant sled.

But try as they might,
that dog wouldn't mush,

so Burt climbed down
and started to push.

And in order to get
all Natesvillians to meet,

Sabrina sent out
an emergency tweet.

The word of a party
soon spread far and near,

And Natesvillians came calling,
all filled with great cheer.

Yes, everyone pitched in
to make Christmas greater.

Of course, some made decisions
they might regret later.

Merry Christmas.

Ho, ho, ho!

Santa, it's working.

This might be the best Christmas ever.

I know. Look,
even the Hoos are here.

Hello, Hoos!

It was all going well.

They were feeling quite smug

until one little Hoo
tugged a curious tug.

Wait a minute.

Burt Chance is
pretending to be Santa!

Oh.

You can't cancel the festival,

and then just show up
and celebrate it!

Even if you are the mayor!

Since the littlest Hoo
had spoiled the fun,

Now Burt had to do
what he knew must be done.

I'm sorry. I'm leaving.

And as Burt took his lumps,

Maybe more than his share...

Hey! The real mayor is back.

...The town's mood was lifted
by their now sober mayor.

And she's 12 steps hotter.

As the mayor swooped in
to steal credit from Burt,

There are only two words that
our hurt Burt could blurt.

Stupid Christmas.

Hello, Natesvillians!

Natesville!

Oh, gosh, I would like
to thank all of you

For pulling together as neighbors,

Especially Virginia Chance.

Without her, we wouldn't be about

To enjoy the most meaningful
Christmas Festival

in our town's history!

Where do I plug this in?

Uh, Mrs. Chance,
the outlet's over there.

But just as she
could taste a victory so sweet,

She'd fallen short of her mark
by 40 yards plus three feet.

Well, don't...
Don't look at me.

I mean, her husband's the one
who canceled Christmas.

I didn't do it.

Since the lights were the
thing that made Christmas feel real,

without lights shining brightly,
it lost its appeal.

With no lights and no sparkle,
their Christmas felt bland,

And Virginia just stood
there, her cord in her hand.

Aw, Virginia...
You came so close.

- Merry Christmas, Burt.
- Aah!

Ah. What are you guys doing here?

As former interim mayors,
we know the deal, Burt.

We came to see what you saved
by canceling the Christmas Festival.

The community pool.

Oh.

I saw my first boob at that pool.

Oh, that's a very special place.

Thanks, Burt.

And thank you,
extra-springy diving board.

But I ruined Christmas.

It's not your fault.

Every time the mayor
has a hard choice to make,

She goes into rehab and leaves it

to the interim mayors
to take the bullet.

It's okay, Burt.
We all know how you feel.

After I canceled
the school lunch program,

nobody talked to me for a year.

They didn't know that I only
did it to pay for new flu shots

after the ones the drunk mayor bought
turned out to be jell-o shots.

And I only sold the town church bell
to pay the exterminator

to drive the face-eating monkeys
out of the town.

I never saw any face-eating monkeys.

You're welcome.

Don't worry, Burt.

Natesville is a very forgiving place.

This town will get over it.

Yeah, but I didn't get
to give Virginia

the gift of lighting the tree.

Now, I'll have to go back
to giving her batteries.

Batteries.

Burt ran down the hill
with all caution unheeded

and gave to Virginia
the exact gift she needed.

Virginia!

Wait!

Don't go!

You have to open
your Christmas present first.

Oh, Burt, can't we
just do it at home?

We have to return
all these ornaments we stole.

Just open this first.

All right.

It's just what I wanted.

Ignoring the risk
of electrical fire,

Burt hooked up the gift
he hoped would inspire.

Madam First Lady,

Would you please fulfill
your holiday duty?

Doodie.

Oh!

Her grandpa
lighting those lights

touched Hope's tiny heart,

and a feeling for Christmas
had started to start.

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

Hearing hope belt out
her sweet Christmas sound,

The grumpy Natesvillians
turned right back around.

The holiday song
from this sweet little shorty

Reached up to the mayors,
who were sharing a 40.

♪ Christmas ♪

The spirit of Christmas
erased every frown.

and the people of Natesville
helped light up their town.

♪ Christmas ♪

♪ Christmas ♪

Yeah.

♪ Hanukkah ♪

Oh. Thank you.

Burt's battery plan
brought lights back to the city,

and the town soon
forgave him for being so...

Snow!

It's a climate change
Christmas miracle.

Christmas was saved,
and the lights brightly shone.

We should probably say here,
don't try this at home.

Oh!

Merry Christmas, mom.