Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 8 - Dysfunction Function - full transcript

Grandma!

(Screams)

Oh, it's just Grandma.

It's okay, it's just Grandma.

I'm sorry, honey.

There's nothing to be
scared of, I promise.

Except the inevitable
march of time.

I just forgot you
were coming over.

I really need to start
writing things down.

No, she wasn't
supposed to come over.

Good, 'cause I wasn't about
to start writing things down.



Why the special visit?

We got a problem.

Jimmy fell asleep
at work today.

Jimmy!

Jimmy!

Wake up! Jimmy!

I guess Hope's been going
into their bed at night.

So I brought her here so Jimmy
could go home and take a nap.

Hope's been sleeping
in their bed?

That's gotta put a real
damper on the old S-E...

Can she spell yet?

Uh, I don't know.

Better safe than sorry.

Look!
(Mock gasps)



- Pennies!
- Pennies!

They're not having sex.

Trouble in the bedroom

is the number one sign
for divorce.

According to Oprah's
O magazine, by Oprah.

Divorce? You really think
it could be that serious?

If they're sleeping
with the baby

in the room,
it's only a matter of time

before Jimmy's just
another loser divorcé.

who's picking up women
at the ice cream parlor

next to the fat ladies' gym.

Oh, we can't have that.

We've worked too hard
to get Sabrina to believe

that Jimmy's the best
she could do.

- Mmm...
- I'll tell you how you fix it.

You keep the sex poison here
as long as you can.

"Sex poison"?

That's what I call children.

She's right. Maybe we
should keep Hope overnight

to give Jimmy and Sabrina
some alone time.

You're right.
We should.

It's what good parents would do.

Me and my big mouth.

Now Paw Paw and I
will have to sneak a quickie

in the rumble seat tonight.

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

So...

did you and Sabrina
enjoy your night alone last night?

Yeah, it was great.

I think
I tweaked my neck.

Sabrina had me doing
all sorts of crazy stuff.

Really?

Well, with Hope
out of the house,

we could get down
to all the dirty stuff on our list.

You have a list?

It was exhausting.

We did it all.

You know, I shampooed the carpet
for, like, an hour.

She cleaned the chimney.

It was filthy.

We were both pretty sore
this morning,

but, uh, she still had me
mulch her flower box.

Wow.

Yeah, well, next time
you guys take Hope,

I'm gonna oil up her chest
in our bedroom.

Now you're talking.

It takes a while.

She hasn't really
taken care of it in years.

It's kind of gross underneath.

Well, still,
a chest is a chest.

It is a nice chest.

It's not as old
or as beautiful as Maw Maw's.

(Gags quietly)

I'm sorry...

when you say "oil up her chest,"

what exactly do you mean?

I mean just get some
linseed oil and polish up

the antique chest
that Sabrina's uncle left us.

- Oh...
- What did you think?

I thought
you were talking about

you and Sabrina
having weird sex,

and then, briefly, you wanting

to feel up
your great-grandmother.

What? No.

We do not have weird sex.

Well, just so
you know,

if you were or weren't
having weird sex... or any sex...

You're my son
and Sabrina's my daughter

and I'm always happy
to hear about it.

Dad?

- As far as our sex life is concerned...
- Yeah?

...there is nothing to discuss.

- Nothing?
- Nothing.

- Nothing.
- Nothing?

Nothing.
They are in trouble.

They had the whole house
to themselves last night,

and all they did were chores.

I knew they were in a sex slump.

Sabrina was wearing shorts
the other day,

and her thighs looked
like she'd been rolling around

on the floor of a barbershop.

Those are not the legs
of a woman who is sexually active.

What do we do?

I don't know...

but we need to shake
things up somehow.

They inherited that house,
and ever since then,

they've had it
way too easy.

No landlord,
no mortgage...

Every young marriage
needs a little chaos.

Think about how it was
when we started out.

We didn't even have
enough gas money

for your dirt bike.

- Later, loser!
- Hey!

(Guys laughing)
It's okay, sweetie.

Sometimes we barely knew where
our food was gonna come from.

Virginia:
I can't eat this now.

It's covered in mustard diarrhea.

(Sighs happily)

And that unstable base

is what forced us
to hold onto each other

even tighter.

Oh... oh...

Yeah.

Oh, that feels good.

Oh, cramp!

Cramp!
Ooh.

Oh, yeah.

- That feels great.
- That feels great.

Burt, it was uncertainty
that kept us together.

Every marriage needs stress.

Stress leads to tension,

tension leads to massage,

and no matter what,

massage always
leads to sex.

That's why I can't believe
they have those chairs in the mall.

We can't just sit back
and let this happen.

We gotta get in there

and shake up Jimmy
and Sabrina's foundation.

Are you doing
one of your crazy plans

where you dress up
in costumes

and leave me out of it?

No, Maw Maw.

But if it turns into one
of those, we'll let you know.

This is perfect.

When they can't have
coffee in the morning,

they are gonna
be delirious.

And then when
they can't find

their remotes or
their cell phones,

they're gonna be going
at it like rabbits.

What'd you do?

I lowered the setting on
the water pressure regulator.

It's gonna drive Jimmy crazy

when he can't get the shampoo
out of his hair.

When he runs
out of the shower all stressed,

he's gonna already
be naked!

You're such a genius!

(Pipes clanging)

What's that?

I don't know.

What is happening?!

Tsunami!

(Both screaming)

(Jimmy and Sabrina screaming)

Did you lower
the pressure...

or raise it?

Lefty loosey, righty tighty.

Wait, is that
from my perspective

or the pipe's perspective?

(Screams)

Okay!
Jimmy, just calm down.

We just need to find the valve
to shut off the water.

Are you sure
that this isn't poop water?

(Screams)

It's in my mouth!

Thanks for letting us
crash here tonight.

Of course.

You can stay here any time.

Well... But don't
get too comfortable.

We just threw out
our carbon monoxide detector

'cause it was beeping too much.

And, uh, we're having

a bit of a poisonous spider problem.

- Yes.
- Uh, try not to snore

when you sleep,
'cause they take that

as a sign of aggression.

So, your wall exploded?

Talk about stressful.

If I was you, I'd be afraid
of walls the rest of my life.

I'd be clinging
to Virginia.

Honestly, it's really not as big
of a deal as it sounds like.

Yeah, it was just
a burst water main.

Sabrina: We just kind of
assessed the damage,

made a little to-do list.

And we saw that
the problem, uh,

wasn't that
big of a deal.

It wasn't?
What about the water damage?

Water turns to mold,
mold turns to asbestos,

asbestos turns to lead.

You know, we've got insurance,
so we're gonna be fine.

Sabrina, did you buy
that insurance?

Jimmy says you spend
too much money.

What do you think about
Jimmy's big mouth, Sabrina?

We actually got

a very good deal
on our insurance, so...

Yeah, yeah.

I rarely say
this, but, uh...

thank God for Wyatt.

Wyatt?

Oh, that hot piece of ass
Sabrina used to sleep with

before she settled
for this sack of mashed potatoes?

Maw Maw.

I told you, we're not doing
costumes this time.

Anyway.

Back when Wyatt
and I were together,

his dad got my family
a really good deal

on homeowner's insurance
just to impress me.

I'm gonna hit the hay.

Yeah, I'm gonna call it, too.

(Sighs)

Virginia:
You're sleeping out here?

Why don't you let
Hope sleep with us

and you can go sleep
in the bedroom with Sabrina?

Your wife.
And lover.

In that little twin bed?
(Chuckles)

We'd be right
on top of each other.

On top of your wife.

And lover.

Nah.

It's been a crazy night.

We should just get some sleep.

It's worse than we thought.

They're not even
sleeping in the same bed.

He's sleeping on the couch.

All this security
is driving them apart.

I mean, insurance?

Have you ever heard of anything
so irresponsible?

I know.

Sometimes I feel closest to you

when things suck the most.

Exactly.
Stability is the enemy.

We need to shake them up
on a deeper level.

A body in the ocean
tends to remain in the ocean.

What do we do?

It has to be something
they don't have insurance for.

What if we crash their car?

No, that won't work.

Obama made a law

where everybody has to have
affordable car insurance.

It's called Obama-Car.

Well, I'm out.

Their world's too big for me.

But they're not
in their world anymore, Burt.

They're in ours.

Oh, don't look at me like that.

Your mother's
so scared of spiders,

she sleeps with
a panty ho on her head.

This is all a dream.

Burt!

I got it.

Sabrina's checkbook.

Did you take care
of Jimmy's wallet?

Yep. Gone.

Virginia:
You burned it?

Jimmy will have no choice
but to turn to Sabrina

for some sweet love
and consoling.

We're trying to give him stress
that leads to a massage,

not stress that leads
to a heart attack.

You said to get rid of it,

because without access
to their money,

they'd feel less secure.

I meant you should
hide his wallet

for a little while.

Not burn all his money.

What is wrong with me?

I always take
these things too far.

I'm like a bull in a china shop

who likes to burn things
in a barbeque.

Oh, it's okay, honey.

It's an easy mistake.

Well, that feels good.

Really good.

Sabrina: What do you mean,
it's not here?

Jimmy: I mean I had it,
and now it's gone.

Burt, wake up!

There's pudding everywhere!

We've been robbed!

(Quietly):
It worked.

Are you sure you had it
in your pants?

Of course I'm sure.

Uh, what are you looking for?

Jimmy lost his wallet.

Jimmy:
I didn't lose it.

I know that I had it last night.

It's my fault.
I'm sorry, Jimmy.

I forgot to lock
the front door last night.

Damn me and my small-town,
mid-century American values.

It's okay.
Just try to relax.

- Not now, Burt.
- Shh...

Jimmy:
I had everything in my wallet.

I had my driver's license,
ATM card,

sub club.

Aw, man!
My lucky 50-cent piece!

Oh, no.

What?
What is it?

I had $500 in my wallet.

What? Jimmy, I raised you never
to have that kind of money.

You had $500?

This is a lot worse

than I originally thought.

Jimmy, what were you doing
with $500?

Jimmy: Well, I got our
emergency envelope

from the desk last night

when we were
leaving the house.

Wait, Jimmy, there was only $20
in that emergency envelope.

- Are you sure?
- I'm positive.

I went to the bank and I deposited
the rest of it last night

'cause I didn't think we should have
that much cash around.

Oh, you're kidding.
That's amazing.

- I'm not a loser!
- Of course you're not a loser.

Let's go to the mall
and we'll get you a new wallet

with the Velcro and
the little plastic picture things

you like to put
your sugar packets in.

Oh, we were this close.

I can't believe
she deposited the money.

Once again, the little guy
gets screwed by the banks.

First insurance, now
she's teaching him

to be responsible
with money.

She's ruining their marriage.

I knew she was no good.

Or too good...
or whatever.

We just haven't found
her chaos button yet.

Ooh, I bet I know

just the way to push it.

So a priest walks into
a bar and he says...

What the hell is
Wyatt doing here?

I don't get it.
Is Wyatt the bartender?

No, Wyatt is your ex-boyfriend.

(Laughs)

Oh, now I get it.

Hello, Sabrina.

What are you doing here?

He's selling us insurance.

Yeah.

We were so impressed with yours,

we thought it was about time
we got some ourselves.

You sell insurance now?

I sell dreams.

The dream of a flood,

a fire,
the loss of a loved one,

where you can
cash in big.

We just bought
every policy he sells.

You can never be too safe.

In fact, if there's insurance
for being too safe,

we'll take that, too.

Anyway, when we heard
what a great deal you got,

we thought: Who better
to buy insurance from

than the guy
Sabrina thinks so highly of,

she almost picked him
over Jimmy?

Almost.

We're still young.

Okay, well, that...
that's-that's fine.

You know, I think
it's really great

that you guys are
finally protecting all this.

And, uh...

I think we will
definitely find a way

to get comfortable with it.

Wyatt, now that Jimmy
and Sabrina are home,

would you like
to join us for dinner?

Yes.

I would love to.

Maw Maw, I told you
we're not doing costumes.

Dinner's up
in five minutes.

- Why don't I go help Dad
with the hot dogs? - He's good.

So, Wyatt,
why don't you tell us

how you got involved
in the exciting world of insurance?

Well, I needed some security
after Sabrina plunged a dagger

into my heart by choosing
to spend her life

with a far lesser man.

Uh, one day,

my dad asked me to join
the family insurance business.

So I started protecting
people's futures

the way
I should've been protecting

my fragile heart

from a cold, cold bitch
who shall go unnamed.

Hey, Burt, how are
those dogs coming?

Well, whatever
happened, Wyatt,

it-it sounds like it
worked out for the best.

Not all of it.

Have you ever met
a cocaine dealer

who took credit cards?

I did.

It... It kind of
ruined my credit.

I'm... having a tough time
finding someplace to live.

Hey, you need a place to live?

- We got space for you here.
- I don't think that...

Yeah!

You should take Jimmy's room.

The last guy
who lived there got Sabrina.

So...

who knows?

And if it tips you
one way or the other,

sometimes I get confused
which door is the bathroom.

Jimmy:
Look, Wyatt.

I'm sorry that Sabrina
chose me over you.

And-and that you're
selling insurance.

And I'm sorry that, uh,

you don't have
a place to live.

But there is no way
that you can live

in my old room.
Right, Sabrina?

I think it's a great idea!
What?

Well, Wyatt needs
a place to stay,

and your parents
have the space.

I think we can figure
something out.

Uh, can I talk
to you for a sec?

Of course.

We lit the fuse, now it's just
time to watch the bomb go off.

I bet they're falling
into each other's arms in seconds.

We are such good parents.

Shh.

(Groans)

Damn, I can't hear
a word they're saying.

I think it's pretty obvious
what they're saying.

(Imitating Sabrina): That poor guy
needs a home over there.

It doesn't matter
that he's...

he's much more
handsome than you.

(Scoffs)

(Imitating Jimmy):
Well, I can't argue

with how handsome he is,

but...
(Scoffs)

I-I will argue with him
sleeping in my old room.

I am very angry!

Ooh, I like it
when you're angry.

I feel something
in my loins.

Oh, take it easy, Burt.
No loin talk.

I am walking away

because I'm angry!

J-Jimmy, come on,
don't do this!

What's he...
Where's he going?

She can't massage him
if he leaves the fight.

Burt:
Uh-oh.

Ooh, what's he doing there?

(Burt imitating Wyatt):
Hey, Sabrina.

Thanks for the hot dogs.

You're looking awful vulnerable
and sexy tonight.

You want a hug?

Burt, cut it out.

Do you think we went too far?

You're asking me?

I'm the "too far" guy.

You're supposed
to reel me in!

- Oh, dear Lord.
- All right.

Now, stay calm, Virginia.
Not every massage has to lead to...

Both:
No!

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Wyatt, she's a married woman!

Burt, Virginia,
this is not what it looks like.

Unless it looks like I was trying
for tongue 'cause I was.

What about tongue?

Sabrina, were you
trying to kiss Wyatt?

Jimmy, no, it's
all our fault.

Your father and I
were worried

that your marriage
was losing its spark.

And that's why we brought
Wyatt here.

To get you two fighting.

Aha!

We were right.
Yeah, you called it.

We knew you guys
were setting us up.

I didn't know
what you were up to,

but I knew
something was weird.

But then I saw something
that made it

a little bit clearer for me.

After that,
it was just a matter

of getting Jimmy on board.

Your parents are
messing with us.

There was no pickpocket.

Your 50-cent piece
is in the barbecue.

I knew it would turn up.

There's nothing luckier
than a Kennedy.

Jimmy, your parents
stole your wallet.

I'm so confused,

but I trust you.

When I take my hands
off of your face,

I want you to act like
you're so, so mad at me

and storm off
and walk away, okay?

And then I'm gonna find out
what's going on.

Okay, I'm going to throw my arms up
like I'm really, really mad.

- They'll totally buy that.
- Why would you do that?

Trust me, I can sell it!

I am walking away
because I'm angry!

Jimmy, stop!

Why are you doing this?

The coin didn't burn?

They should make
the space shuttle out of coins.

When did you tell Wyatt

that he should try
to make a move on you?

Oh, I didn't do that.

If you leave Wyatt
alone with a girl

for 20 seconds, he's
gonna make a move on her.

Wyatt, can you come inside
and help with something?

It'll take about 20 seconds.

Anyway, so you and Jimmy
are fine?

I'm sorry, Wyatt.

I am still in love
with my husband.

And your offer
for me to live here?

Sorry, Wyatt, we don't
really need a roommate.

Your life, home
and boat insurance?

I know we-we look
like boat people,

but we could never own a boat.

Or a home.

Or insurance.

So you just used me?

And fed you.

And let you use the lavatory.

And we gave you
a 20-minute window

to try and get Sabrina back.

Swing and a miss, buddy.

You're all horrible people.

And I really wish horrible,
horrible things happen to you.

Oh, and because they might,
I can still offer

my competitive rates.

I would definitely get
fire insurance if I were you.

Because I'm considering
burning down your house.

- Oh.
- Thanks.

We'll be in touch.

So, what made you guys think
we were losing our spark?

Because Jimmy told me that
you two weren't having...

(Whispers):
S-E-X.

And I noticed
you weren't shaving your legs.

They looked like something
PETA would protest.

Sabrina:
Okay, I'm sorry.

First of all,

I'm growing it out
to get it waxed.

And second of all, are you talking
to your dad about our sex life?

Bup, bup, bup, bup, bup,
bup, bup, bup... Hey.

Pennies!

If she keeps falling for that,
you should have her looked at.

No, I didn't tell him
about our sex life.

You said, "There is
nothing to talk about."

Because I didn't want to talk
to my dad about my sex life.

Why not?

We always talk to you
about our sex life.

I know.
And it's weird.

I keep asking you
over and over to stop,

but you just keep going.

MAW MAW: How come nobody
asks me about my sex life?

Any one of you prudes ever sleep
with an Academy Award winner?

Anyway, we thought your marriage
was in trouble, okay?

So we tried
to give you something

that always worked
for us in the past.

A little chaos
to shake things up.

It's very sweet.

Kind of.

You blew a hole
in our wall that is

going to take weeks to fix.

- Because we love you.
Sabrina: It's great that you

were worried about us,
but it's just that

- we do things differently.
- Yeah, oddly enough,

disasters don't turn us on.

Then may I suggest
a bottle of tequila

and an electric toothbrush.

Okay, I'm done.

While my parents
made the most

out of channeling the stress
in their lives,

Sabrina and I responded
to a different kind of stimulation.

Sabrina!

- It's all done.
- Wow!

It looks great.

And that is the second
to last thing on our to-do list.

Really? What's left?

Oh, just the door.

What do I have to do?
Sand it? Paint it?

Lock it.

Oh...

(Grunts, yells)

Maw Maw put herself to bed.

Jimmy and Sabrina are
back home and doing great.

Hope's just a "P"
and an "E" away

from being able
to spell her own name.

Things have never
been better.

I know.

The bills are paid,
the cars are working.

That flesh-eating virus
I thought I had?

Turned out
to be spaghetti sauce.

(Sighs)

I can't think of a damn thing
to worry about.

What if the giant branch

that hangs
over the power line snaps

and causes some kind
of electrical fire?

Dang it.
I trimmed that.

(Sighs)

What about Oprah's
cable network?

If that goes under,
she could lose one of her homes.

No, it finally started
turning a profit.

And her movie career is smoking.

We really have nothing
to worry about.

That kind of makes me worried.

Me, too.

What if it stays good?

What if all the excitement
is gone?

What if nothing bad ever
happens to us ever again?

It will.

Trust me, honey.
Just relax.

I'm sure chaos is
right around the corner.

That feels good.
Really good.

(Horn toots)

Thank you, second team.