Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 10 - Bee Story - full transcript

d Here we go d

d Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! d

No, it's not in the checkers.

Maybe it's in the backgammon?

That makes no sense.
Check the Snakes and Ladders.

I did. It's all
Dad's business receipts.

Well, you must've
put it back in the wrong game,

because I always keep it
in the checkers box.

This might be crazy talk,

but why wouldn't you keep
Hope's birth certificate

in the file cabinet?



That's where we lock up
all the bite-sized board game pieces

so Maw Maw doesn't mistake
'em for treats.

Of course.

Maybe you put it
in the Chinese checkers

instead of the regular checkers.

Nope.

Chinese checkers is
where Maw Maw's papers go.

Because, like Maw Maw,

the Chinese checkers game
has lost most of its marbles.

That makes
a frightening amount of sense.

Found it!

That's right! I put it in Clue,

because her mother beat someone
to death with a candlestick.

They're all dead!



They're dead!

It was horrible!

Who's dead?

Besides everyone I have ever loved?

Just take a deep breath, Burt.

Start from the beginning.

I was trimming some
bushes at the Ericksons'...

you know, the rich people
with the big house down by the river?

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No!

I can't save all of you,
but I can save some of you!

Which ones of you are
women and children?

Ah. You'll have to do, buddy.

One, two, one, two...

I'm trying to help you!

I'm sure they're
all up in bee heaven,

where the streets are
lined with pollen

and all the little bees
get their wings.

Or their... extra wings, or something.

I hate those
black and yellow bastards.

Invading our neighborhood,

scaring the heck out of everybody...

We were talking about bees, right?

I know it's hard, Burt,
but death is a part of life.

Oh, you guys don't understand.

Without bees, there's no flowers.

No flowers, no gardeners.

No gardeners... no job.

And one other thing: No bees,

all life on Earth
will cease to exist.

This could be great news.

You're happy about
all the bees dying?

No, that environmental group
that I'm part of,

they think that the kazoo factory has been
dumping chemicals into the river.

And if they hear about
all these bees dying,

I'm sure they're gonna
want to start a protest.

You should definitely do a protest.

Paint signs, chain yourself
to each other,

Even if it takes all day

marching around
in the hot, blazing sun.

God, I'm so glad you're into this.

We should get started.

Wait...

I have to go with you?

Good for them, with their protest.

I wish we could do something
that would actually work.

We should write a letter
to our senator.

- Do you know who that is?
- No. Do you?

I seem to recall
he has gray hair

and he points with his thumb.

But other than that,
I'm drawing a blank.

We could just go down
to that company and complain.

I don't know, Virginia.

What can two little people like us do
against a giant kazoo conglomeration?

We can give 'em
a piece of our minds.

Remember when you went down

to the video store
'cause you wanted to return

Police Academy 5:
Assignment: Miami Beach?

Yeah, they didn't want
that video back,

but I wouldn't
take no for an answer.

But they did take it back.

Even though the video store
turned into an ice cream parlor.

I was so sick of watching that movie.

No, the point is, Burt,
you convinced them.

You're right.

If a rag-tag bunch of police recruits

can take down
a ring of jewelry thieves...

In a fifth sequel that's so bad

even Steve Guttenberg
refused to be in it...

Then we could stand up
to a kazoo factory!

All right, just remember, Burt,
be forceful.

Ask their name,
look 'em in the eye,

and stick your chest out.

- I hope this works.
- Oh, trust me, it will.

I read it on the back flap of

How to Win Friends
and Influence People.

Excuse me, what's your name?

Kelly.

Well, Kelly,

we have some
serious issues to discuss

with how your company
conducts its business.

Yes, we do, Kelly.

I'm just in Personnel.

You're gonna want to
talk to Mr. Gunderson.

He's the top guy around here.

Around the corner,

past the second set of elevators.

Okay.

Have a nice day.

Mr. Gunderson...

We need to talk to you about...

Who the hell are you?

Kelly from Personnel sent us.

Right. The new hires.

You're early, I like that.

What fantastic r?sum?s.

Uh... U. Penn?

I pen, I pencil.

Whatever it takes.

I love the Ivy League
sense of humor.

I'm gonna grab your key cards
and we'll get you started.

Thanks.
Glad to be here!

What the hell are you doing?

We can infiltrate the hive.

Burt, we will never pull this off.

I used to clean offices like this.
These people went to college.

We just want to get a little dirt.

I don't want to retire
here and get a golden kazoo.

Here are your key cards, and
welcome to Amalgamated Kazoo.

Thank you.
Amalgamating kazoos has been

a lifetime dream of mine.

Uh, do you know
if Mr. Gunderson is available?

Oh, you must be the new hires.

Yeah. Hi.

I'm Kelly from Personnel.

Uh, those positions
have been filled. I'm sorry.

Mom and Dad were
inside the kazoo factory

trying to uncover
the buzz about the dead bees.

Wow.

All this work for kazoos?

Can you imagine what a
harmonica company must look like?

Time to get to work.

These are the office protocol manuals.

Walk with me.
They cover the rules and the regs,

grievance procedures,
sexual harassment,

workers comp,
optical, dental and COBRA.

- Oh, snakes!
- Karen Anderson, advertising.

Gary Dilford, product testing.

Wayne Hill, customer service.

Have you tried
blowing in the other end?

And this is your cubicle.

So, you'll have
until 1300 hours to set up

your voice mail and e-mail accounts,

and I'll see you then.

1,300 hours to set up voice mail?

That sounds pretty complicated.

I knew we'd be in over our heads.

We're gonna get caught.

He's gone!

What just happened?

Oh, if we don't look busy
when Gunderson's around,

he thinks we're not trying.

I'm, uh, here
to set up your computers.

I'm Candy from I.T.

Hey.

See? I told you
they'd look down on us.

Even the computer lady
thinks we're so stupid

she needs to spell out the word "it".

I'm gonna snoop around
for some dirt.

Just hurry up. The sooner
we get out of here, the better.

Oh, no!

Oh, no!

Hey! New guy!

Buy you a drink?

- How is your first day going?
- Great.

Except I can't seem
to find the copier room.

I've never seen it.

Never been there.

So, I could just name these
files whatever I want, like...

"Parcheesi" or "checkers"
or "backgammon"?

Yeah, I guess.
But most people name them, like,

"accounts payable"
or "customer contacts."

Those aren't fun board game names.

It's based
on a system I use at home.

Clever. It's nice to meet
someone else who's smart and hot.

Oh!

Did you find anything?

Yeah. People around here
love free water.

And there's no way
to put these cups down.

Okay, so, like I said
in the e-mail blast,

it looks like we may
finally have a breakthrough

in our fight to save
the bees of Natesville.

Does anybody have any questions?

Does anyone feel like
having their spouse there

would be a distraction?

No. Mm-mm. Nope.

Great.

This is going to be
a peaceful protest.

We will not be threatening
cops or throwing bricks.

We...

Drastic situations call
for drastic measures.

I, for one, am prepared to put on
a bee costume and chant profanity.

I may use the "D" word.

And if pushed, the "H" word.

See, guys, this is exactly
the attitude that we need

if we are going to close down
Amalgamated Kazoo.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
What the hell!

No one ever said a damn thing
about Amalgamated Kazoo!

We can't shut them down.
They make the best kazoos in the world.

Those are the only kazoos
our jazz quartet, Jazzoo, ever uses.

Come on, Barney,
this is very important.

Well, I wouldn't expect someone

who's never made
the wax paper dance to understand.

Yeah.
You can have my kazoo

when you pry it
from my cold, chapped lips.

Does anyone else here have an
unnatural attachment to kazoos?

Where have you guys been all day?

We have been trying to call you.

We accidentally got a job
at the bee-killing place.

What?! You guys are
siding with the enemy?

No, no!
We are deep undercover.

I spent all day learning
how to use the computer.

You know how you were
giving me such a hard time

about my board game filing system?

Turns out...

that's exactly how computers work.

Even the "it" girl said I was smart.

Oh, Breaking Bad marathon's
about to start.

What, you guys are
just gonna watch TV?

Wh-What about the bees?

This is for the bees.
We have to watch it

to keep up with
the water cooler crowd.

Water cooler's the nerve center
of the whole office.

First they recap last night's cable TV,

then they plunge
right into office gossip.

So, our ticket into this elite circle

is knowing what's going on
with this crystal math teacher.

Which one's Walt?
Which one's Jesse?

Walt is the schoolteacher
slash meth cook.

And Jesse is his stoner assistant.

What?

While you guys are
running around town

doing silly crap every week,
I'm watching quality television.

Everybody says the paradigm

is that Walt is
the modern-day Scarface,

but in a deeper sense,

I think he represents
the evil that resides in all of us.

How about...

when that ATM
fell on that meth lady?

I was like,
"What? Science, bitch!"

Listen up, everyone.

It's come to my attention
that there are two employees

that have been hiding something from us.

Now, I didn't want to out
them until I had proof from HR,

but Karen and Gary
are getting married!

Ah!

Thanks, gang.
I've got some other great news...

is that Karen
isn't getting fat. She's pregnant!

Oh-ho-ho.
Yeah. And I am

taking us all out
to Sombrero Junction to celebrate.

Oh, my God, I've always wanted
to go to Sombrero Junction!

Yeah! It's like all the fun
of Mexico without worrying

about getting your head cut off.

Just great.

But you know what?
With everyone gone,

it might be the perfect chance
for us to look around.

Yeah, you're right, it would.

If we find what we need tonight,

we don't have to come back tomorrow.

Finding evidence
is the reason we came here.

But if they're drinking...

they might loosen up and
spill some company secrets.

And if we go out,
we can buy them shots,

then tomorrow they'll be hung over

and sloppy
with incriminating documents.

We might never get
another chance to go out with them.

I mean, how often do
office employees go to happy hour

at nearby Mexican restaurants?

I've never heard of it.

It's like, God's practically
begging us to go.

It's the responsible thing to do.

- Yeah.
- Hey, wait for us!

Where were you guys?!

We were supposed
to meet three hours ago to talk about

what evidence
you guys might have found,

and our protest is tomorrow.

And where did you get
those cool hats?

We were at Sombrero Junction

with our professional colleagues
having a business dinner.

Well, you didn't get any information?

Oh, we got some information.

You're not gonna believe
what's going on in that place.

Brad in accounting...

is sleeping with Sarah from H.R.

H.R. obviously stands
for "Home Wrecker"!

Plus Jeff with a "J" steals pens

and Geoff with a "G" hates kazoos.

Who's Geoff with a "G"?

Do you mean Ge-off?

You guys!

You were supposed to go
in there and get the goods

on the company, and instead
all you're coming back with

is drunk-person office gossip.

No!

We came back with
the trust of our coworkers.

So tomorrow, we can go in there

and get them to spill the beans!

I spilled a bean.

They told me the plate was hot.

I thought they meant spicy!

So you just worry about
your protest tomorrow, okay?

Trust us.

We are gonna take care of
everything from the inside.

We'd probably have
a lot more confidence in you

if you both weren't
wearing flashing sombreros.

Hey! We're immersing ourselves
in a corporate culture, okay?

So tomorrow I'm gonna
learn how to spread sheets

while I'm sitting
on an exercise ball.

Oh, Lord, I passed out and
woke up in Tijuana again.

?Donde esta embassy,
por favor? Embassy?

Yee-haw!

Save the bees!
Save the bees!

Murderers!
Environmental terrorists!

- Save the bees!
- This is going really well.

Yeah, all that screaming has to work.

I can't imagine
that they're not annoyed by this.

But you really believe
that overregulating business

won't lead to the destruction of jobs

and the end of capitalism?

Yes.

I'm so sick of you
and your liberal agenda.

Ooh!

Save the environment!

Fascist pigs!

Hey, get some really good stuff today.

Don't worry, I'm on it.

We're just trying to make
a decent living, you dirty liberals!

Yeah. Yeah, get a job, losers!

See you at dinner tonight.

You're destroying the environment.

I love you guys!

Uh, not!

Bee killers!

Can you believe that protest?

What a bunch of loons.

Ge-off couldn't even
get out of his car.

I can't figure out why they're here.

Maybe because we dump a lot
of toxic waste in the river.

It'd be hilarious
if that killed a ton of bees.

Anybody?

Anything?

Nothing?

Hey, Burt.

The "it" girl just taught me
how to do a spreadsheet program

and I Excel at it.

If you understood computers
the way I do,

that would've been hysterical.

Oh, I got it.

Hey, I was just talking
about the toxic waste thing.

It looked like they had no idea
what I was talking about.

It's no hurry. After lunch,
Candy's gonna show me

something called a "right click."

Apparently I've been clicking
wrong this entire time.

I'm starting to think Sabrina
might've been wrong about this place.

Oh, good.

I need your help.

Those protesters outside
are making me nervous.

You two shred these, ASAP.

I think this is the evidence
Sabrina was talking about.

We can't shred this.

How are we gonna get
a whole box out of here?

- Oh...
- Cuckoo, cuckoo.

When you're done with those,
you can start on these.

These are the most sensitive.

Save the bees!
Save the bees!

Sabrina?

Uh, can I not carry
this sign anymore?

Maybe you should
take a turn in the bee suit.

What is that noise?

Yeah, it's like a...
like a buzz or a-a humming.

Oh, my God. Jimmy, look.

Hey, guys, what are you doing?

Look, we have a right to protest.

And we have the right
to play sweet music

on American-made kazoos.

Oh, please.
You guys don't want to play music.

You're just trying
to help this company

that's gonna destroy the planet
that we leave our children.

Spoiler alert.

I don't have children.

We're here to protest your protest.

- They can do that?
- Yes.

Stupid free country.

But you know what? We don't
have to make it easy for them.

Give me your sign.

Bees are people, too!

Bees are people, too!

Shove your poison up your kazoo!

- Bees...
- Bees are people, too!

Shove your poison up your kazoo!

Yet another useless invoice
that smells like cinnamon.

Excuse me for making
a bold deodorant choice.

I like it. It's like sleeping
next to a snickerdoodle.

Wait a second.
I think I found something.

"Waste disposal procedure.

Must be dumped in the..."

We need the second page.

Well, it's not here.
How can it not be here?

Maybe they have other copies
of it hidden somewhere else.

I bet they do.

Candyland.

That's what Candy the "it" girl
calls the backup servers.

See the file path in the footnote?

Tells you where it is
in the network.

So I can log in from here
using the VPN.

It's like someone put
the document inside Parcheesi,

which is inside
Snakes and Ladders,

which is inside the Internet.

Nothing.

Can't find it anywhere.

Well, Virginia, guess it's
back to the drawing board.

That's the bar
next to Sombrero Junction

where the gang hangs out.

Look, if that Gunderson guy had
you shred all those documents

I'm sure he deleted all the files, too.

I feel kind of silly thinking we could
make a big corporation stop polluting.

Maybe it'll make us feel better
if we throw all that trash in a landfill.

I got it!

I've been a maid long enough to know

there's two things
powerful people never do:

Notice spare change is missing
and take out the trash.

There it is!

Oh!

Oh, my God.

They've been dumping
in the river every time it rains

to cover their tracks.

And there you go.
Your friend Gunderson signed it.

Damn you, Gunderson.

You're gonna be the first one
to betray our race

when the apes take over.

Which is bound to happen
now that the bees are gone.

Well, hey, don't worry.
This is exactly what we need

to close down the factory.

Close down the factory?

Can't we just get 'em
to stop dumping chemicals?

Yeah, we don't want our
friends to lose their jobs.

Look, you guys, these people
are knowingly dumping chemicals

into a river.
They have to be shut down.

Wait.

What if we found a memo

that said they
didn't do it knowingly?

This is Dave Davidson
with a Channel 3 exclusive.

It's a dirty story
about dirty water.

We are the employees responsible

for dumping toxins
in the Natesville River.

But we didn't know
we were doing anything wrong.

The memo said, "Why don't you
just dump the waste

in the river?
Semicolon right parentheses."

But we-we were new to office work

and hadn't really gotten
down the technical jargon.

Now if we got that message,
we'd probably "LOL".

We really feel
colon left parentheses.

That means we're sad.

Amalgamated Kazoo has fired
the two employees responsible,

yet no criminal charges were filed

as the state deemed it
an act of idiocy

rather than a crime of malice.

The board of directors also came
down hard on the man responsible

for hiring the two idiots
in the first place.

This is Dave Davidson, reporting.

And now back to Sandy Sanderson
with Tuesday's Puppy.

Sandy?

You did it.

You guys did what my environmental
group could never do:

Something.

It feels kind of good.

On the downside,
we look like idiots on the news.

Everybody looks like idiots
on the news.

Yeah, but in a week some fat kid
will get stuck in a water slide

and everybody will forget
all about you.

You're right. That's what
finally got Iraq off the news.

Very impressive
how you planted backdated memos

on a corporate server, Virginia.

Yeah, I guess I'm kind of an
"it" girl now, too.

Maybe later you could help me, uh,
get a picture off the Internet?

Word to the wise:

never let anyone photograph you

while you're yodeling
and juggling cucumbers.

Well, I'm gonna miss
working at that office.

But we brought the best part home.

So, did you guys see
Downton Abbey last night?

That Dowager Countess,

she's spinning a dangerous web.

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