Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 11 - Hey There, Delilah - full transcript

You take that back!

I will not!
Not after what you said

about me in front
of the manager.

Well, you deserved it!

Especially after what you wrote
about me in my peer evaluation.

Whoa, whoa,
whoa, ladies!

Back off.

She had the nerve
to tell the manager that I was

the best damn maid who ever
worked for Knock Knock Knock.

Well, she deserves
that promotion.

How dare you lie
to make me look good!



I thought we were friends.

Besides, you've worked here longer.
You should get the promotion!

You know I need to concentrate
on rewriting my telenovela.

It's about a sexy maid
who is constantly fending off

the advances of her blond
coworker's husband

who can't keep his rough
gardener hands off her.

I'm not saying
you should take it.

I'm saying you should
think about it.

Uh, I don't want
to take the job, Burt.

Crew chief has to take
to take crap from everyone.

The boss, your coworkers,
the customers.

And you know taking crap
pisses me off.

You just need to relax.

Close your eyes,
take a deep breath,



and think about
a special place.

I'm not going
to some fantasy place.

I've told you
a million times.

I handle my own stressful
situations my own way.

Did you see
what I just saw?

- Delilah's back.
- Surprise!

The rivalry between my mom and
her cousin Delilah started years ago.

when Maw Maw let Delilah
treat Mom like a servant.

For years, Delilah took
full advantage.

You're stupid.

And I hate you.

- Until my mom finally had enough...
- Ginny!

...and figured out
how to stop her visits.

Maw Maw's dead.

Ghost!

I cast you out,
foul spirit!

No? Not buying it?

♪ Here we go ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪

I can't believe you two.

Keeping me from my beloved
Delilah just so you two can

keep living in my house,
just leeching off of me.

Yes, we live in your house.
Yes, we leech off you.

Yes, I thought I would come up
with an excuse

so it would make this
all seem okay

by the end of this sentence,
but, no, I have not.

Maw Maw, we do not leech off
of you. We take care of you.

We even got you one of those
custom necklaces so people know

who to call when
you get lost.

Considering what you two did,
it's a miracle

Maw Maw even found me.

I read the wrong number
in my address book,

and I called Delilah
instead of Dr. Delaney,

the euthanasianist.

Sometimes I get a pretty
serious case of the Mondays.

Well, not anymore, Maw Maw,
'cause you got a new light in your life.

Unlike the darkness
you've been living with.

Things must not be
that sunny in Florida

if you could just pick up and
come all the way to Natesville.

Actually,
they've been pretty good.

I've opened up a chain
of solar-powered tanning beds

called "Sun Tan."

What we do is we harness the
power of the sun to tan people.

Damn. I got to hand it to her.
That's pretty revolutionary.

Well, Delilah,
it's been nice catching up,

but you probably want
to beat the traffic

getting back
to the Hell Away from Us.

Oh.
I'm not leaving.

At least not
until I help Maw Maw

finalize the details
of her reverse mortgage.

Reverse mortgage.
So that would be what?

E-gag-trom?

Oh, Burt.

You handsome simpleton you.

A reverse mortgage is a
financially sound way

for Maw Maw to get money
out of her house now,

so she can live it up
while she's still alive.

Fonzie told me about it on TV.

I'm gonna get a nice fat check
every month

while I'm living it up
down in Daytona

with Delilah
and her husband.

What? Maw Maw, you can't
leave us. We love you.

Oh, drop the lovey-dovey act, Ginny.
You two will be just fine.

That's the beauty of
the reverse mortgage.

While Maw Maw gets to travel
and do all the things she wants

to do, you get to stay
in the house

for the life of the mortgage.
Or Maw Maw.

Whichever ends first.

You belong here
with your family, not in some

spring break
swamp town

full of nothing but drunk college kids
having casual sex.

Drunk college kids
and casual sex?

What are we waiting for?
Let's go.

Thank you so much for coming.
This is actually

our first time
interviewing babysitters,

but you came
very highly recommended.

You're too kind. It's easy to be
good when you love your work.

What we really need...

We don't speak
unless spoken to, child.

We have tickets to
CoverFest this Saturday.

This year it's all
hybrid cover bands.

The headliners are N.W.AC/DC
and Red Hot Chili Vanilli.

It's written in blood.
It's written in blood.

You never have to worry about
your child's safety as long as I'm here.

I customized it so there's
no safety to slow me down.

We'd be happy to play
with Hope forever.

- And ever
- And ever

- and ever, and ever.
- and ever, and ever.

I love kids.

I have four younger siblings
who I basically raised.

I have a degree in Early
Childhood Development

and I'm getting my master's
in Child Psychology.

Wow. You seem...
really qualified.

Pass.

I'm telling you, Burt.

The reverse mortgage,

moving Maw Maw down to Florida.

I don't like any of this.

Delilah's never looking out
for anyone but herself.

Virginia, you're too stressed.

I've told you,
when you get like this,

you got to do what I do.

I just close my eyes...

and I drift off to a little
tropical paradise in my head

that I like to call
Burt Island.

There, I'm a millionaire
because I'm the only one

who knows how to clean
and filter the ocean.

A place where your cinnamon
toast Italian hoagies

grow on trees.

And there's a friendly islander

who's just a little bit worse
than me at foosball,

so I always win.

Got you again,
Pupukaka!

And all the women are the most
beautiful women I've ever seen.

Hi, Virginias.

Hello, Burt.

And aloha to you, Pupukaka.

And some of you are easy,

some of you are
too good for me.

Now you try.

You go to Virginia Island.

Okay, fine.

Mmm.

Hey, Ginny. I thought being
on a deserted island

was supposed
to make you lose weight.

God. I can't do it, Burt.

It may work for you, but my head
just won't let me go there.

It just takes practice.
You stick with it.

Here, have something sweet.
Help you calm down.

Where'd you get these?

Out of the trash can.

Delilah threw them away,
but they taste fine to me.

Burt... remember
when Jimmy needed braces

and we didn't have any money?

What did we do to get it?

We sold our blood
every Wednesday

for two years straight.

The only good thing
about it was the delicious...

Oh, my God.

These are blood bank cookies.

Aha. Look.

Blood bank recovery juice.

She's selling her blood.

What kind of wealthy
suntan mogul needs

to sell her own blood?

See, I was gonna say Delilah,
but that's too obvious.

Uh... think, think,
think, think, think.

No, it's Delilah.

Oh, damn it.

I was really close that time.

CPR training,
president of the nutrition club,

internship at a Danish interlocking
toy block company? You're perfect.

You have no idea
how many people we've seen.

- You're hired.
- Oh.

That's so cool of you, but...

I got to ask you
a few questions

because I only sit
for one family at a time,

and I'm in, like,
really high demand.

But you have to pick us.

Our only other option is a woman
that has two hooks for hands.

Oh, I know Claire.
She's awesome.

We went zip-lining together.

- Oh, yeah?
- Okay.

I'm texting you
your first question now.

Oh...

Those Daytona spring breakers

have no idea
who they'll be messing with.

Okay, Maw Maw,
one more initial

and you've got yourself
a reverse mortgage. Mmm.

Put the pen down, Maw Maw.

Why don't you ask Delilah here
about how she's broke

and just came here to scam you
out of all your money.

I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't need Maw Maw's money.

Oh, really? Then how come
you're selling your blood?

- Oh.
- Oh, we got to quit

ripping people's clothes off
to prove they're liars.

This is like when you thought
the mailman was a woman all over again.

Except this time

I'm... right!

Oh, thank God.

What do you have to say
for yourself now, Delilah?

Suck it, Ginny.

I can't believe you two!

Here you are,
grown women,

and you're still fighting

like when you were teenagers!

Delilah started it
when she came here trying

to reverse cowgirl
your mortgage!

Oh, I had to!
I got nothing!

It turns out
in the tanning bed industry

you're always
one irregular mole away

from being Yelp'd out
of the business.

Well, at least

you've still got your husband.

No, he left me
and re-enlisted.

He said he'd rather go back to
clearing mines in Afghanistan.

That it's easier on his nerves.

Well, I'm done
with this fighting.

You can both stay here,
but the first one of you

who's not nice
to the other is out.

Of the house?

And my will.

The one who is
nicest longest gets... all of this.

Now hug it out, bitches.

...and, well, that's
when I realized that

I just really love
this family and...

I wanted to be Hope's
mother forever,

so I adopted her
immediately.

That's a nice story.
So, a minute ago,

you mentioned
you have some licorice?

Yeah, it's, uh...
it's just in the cupboard.

Okay, here's the last question:
red or black?

Red?

Final answer?

Yeah?

Congratulations. I'm hired.

Really?
That's amazing!

- Mmm!
- All right, so, uh...

I guess we will see
you on Saturday.

Oh, this Saturday?
I can't do that.

The concert is this Saturday.
That's...

why we wanted you
in the first place.

I'm sorry. I have a history
project that's due on Monday,

and I have to spend
the weekend working on it.

History?

We'll do it for you.

What?

I need this, Jimmy.

I'm sorry. You know how much
I love that little girl,

but I need some adult time alone
with my adult husband

so I can have
adult drinks

and do the adult things.

So, what are we doing
this project on?

Who wants the last piece of pie?

You take it,
Virginia.

It's obvious
you're a big fan of pie.

Yes, I am.

I eat it with my
husband all the time.

In local weather,

lots of sunshine coming our way
for the next few days.

Oh, I put some glue
on the remote

because you said
next time you lost it,

you would just glue it
to your hand.

Oh, was that in jest?

Because you might not want
to touch

your wallet, keys, or tampons.

Oh, my Lord.

Why the heck does my room
smell like a cow's dumper?

Oh, I wanted
to brighten up the room

for you
with some flowers.

Don't worry,

they're going
to live a long time.

I used a lot
of fertilizer.

No.

You know, they're not
going to pay you extra

if they can drink
out of the bowl.

Sorry, I'd rather be
here than at home.

Thanks to my
cousin Delilah,

cleaning toilets is now
the best part of my day.

I know where you're at.

Try being married
to a guy who decided

to become a Cher impersonator
at age 50.

Knock, knock, knock.

Who's there?

Your new crew member.

Well, if it isn't
Slumdog Nothingaire.

Maw Maw insisted

I take a job here
alongside my new best friend.

Oh, my God.

We're gonna be together
24 hours a day.

Virginia Island,
Virginia Island, Virginia Island.

Ah, that's nice.

What?

No, no.

No.

I can't get it to work.

Maw Maw wants her eggs the way
you were in high school, over easy.

I mean, bent over easy.

We're not having eggs,
Delilah, it's dinnertime.

Oh, good, I love your cooking.

It's never rich, like you.

- That's it.
- Oh, Virginia, no, no, no, no!

She wants you to hit her
so she'll get the house.

What's that I hear?

Oh, it's a bird only
found on Virginia Island.

Koo-la-roo, koo-la-roo.

Now just take it all in.

I'm there serving you
a drink buck naked

just a suggestion.

I don't know what game
you two are playing,

but if Burt's naked, I'm all in.

Oh, God, I can't do
the island thing, okay?

I've never been
a beach person.

Sand, sunscreen,
and brightly colored towels

it just stresses me out.

It doesn't have to be an actual island,
just anyplace that relaxes you.

What makes you happier
than anything else?

Okay.

Okay.

Okay, it's working.

- I'm on Virginia Island.
- Yeah,

it's working for me, too,
only I'm on Burt Peninsula.

It's a lot like Florida,

only Burt's naked and doing me
like I owe him money.

Cha-ching.

Virginia can't
hear you, Delilah,

'cause Virginia
Island is surrounded

by a soundproof bitch bubble.

Oh, good, you're here.

We can go over
your project together.

So, um, that is your visual aid
and here are your note cards.

I can't do this right now.

What do you mean?
You said you had

to finish your project
by tonight

so you could babysit
for us tomorrow.

I'm sorry, I can't concentrate.

I was going to break up with
my boyfriend on the way over here,

but I lost my nerve and now
he's waiting for me outside.

Okay, yeah, yeah,
we can help you with that.

Jimmy, go break up with him.

- Huh?
- Really?

That would be great.

I don't think that...

- Jimmy.
- Hmm?

I hope I never have
to say this to you

ever again, but I need you
to go outside and break up

with that teenage boy
for the sake of our marriage.

Is he a crier?

A little bit.

I'll do anything.

It's not you,
it's her.

Wow.

You were right, Burt,
that was fantastic.

What me and Burt just
did was fantastic, too.

He twisted me up
like a little, soft pretzel.

Introduced my ankles to my ears.

I did not make
any such introductions.

Oh, Delilah, I'm sorry you're
having such a hard time.

I'm not having
a hard time.

Your face is
having a hard time

distinguishing itself
from your behind.

You are ugly,

fat, poor, poor, fat, ugly.

You said that one already.

You live with
your grandma.

This is just getting sad.

No, what's sad is that you
think you have won this house.

You have no idea who you
are messing with, sister.

Maw Maw, Virginia
just broke my arm!

Don't worry, Ginny,

no one's pressing
charges here.

Maw Maw,
she did it to herself.

You got to believe me.

Stop lying, Virginia.

I couldn't break my own arm,

and my bones are like
blackboard chalk.

The rules were clear.

Delilah gets
the house.

What?

Thank you, Maw Maw.

Don't worry, Ginny,

I just want
you to know

that you and Burt
are welcome to live here

as long as you want, assuming
you sleep in Jimmy's room,

pay rent, and live by my rules.

Another piña colada?

Thank you, Virginia
Number Seven.

Need you
on the mainland, Burt.

Oh, man, van living
was much easier

when we were
in our 20s.

I want to do it, Burt.

Okay, but you're going to
have to do most of the work.

I can barely move.

No, not that.

I want to take the promotion.

Are you sure?
Yeah,

we're too old for you
to be driving me

to work in our house.

Well, I'm proud of you.

You know, this
wouldn't be our house

if we just stayed with
Jimmy and Sabrina.

No way.

It's one thing to mooch
off my grandmother.

I'm not about to mooch
off my own son.

I have pride, Burt.

Car wash is open.

Let's go sneak a shower.

Okay, Ashley, uh, we'll
be home around 1:00.

You guys have fun.

And, Hope,
Ashley's in charge,

so you got to listen
to her, all right?

You got to go to bed
when she tells you to.

Yeah.

Mwah.

- She feels a little bit warm.
- Nah, she's fine.

She's just running around
outside for the last hour.

You're right, you're
totally right.

So, Ashley,
you have our numbers.

Please feel free to call
with absolutely anything.

Don't worry, have fun.

CoverFest!

Ooh, you know what?

Maybe I should just show her where
the chewable aspirin is just in case.

Oh, I think after the charts
and the second walk-through,

she knows where more stuff
in our house is than I do.

You're right, I'm
sorry, let's just go

because CoverFest only
happens once a year.

CoverFest!

I don't know.

Sabrina, let's not overreact.

When I was a kid, my parents
went to Lollapalooza

even after I swallowed
a jar of pennies.

And I was fine,

although when I pooped,
it sounded

like the jackpot
from a slot machine.

Yeah, I heard it
as I said it.

Hey, Ashley.

Do you like
Maroon Five for Fighting?

Look who it is.

I guess a week of
living in the van

was enough to force these two
to come crawling back.

Don't worry.

We're just here
to pick up some things.

Then we're gonna go look
at apartments.

I hear they have
exposed brick and high ceilings

under the 8th Street Bridge.

For your information, we're
looking for a real apartment.

The kind of apartment you can
afford when you're married

to the new
Knock Knock Knock crew chief.

You actually went

after that promotion?

I thought you were afraid
you couldn't deal with people.

Yeah, after Burt taught me
his trick for taking crap,

I wasn't scared
anymore.

Funny thing is, once I started,

I never even needed
Virginia Island.

I gave the clients
a cleaning form

so we wouldn't miss things
they wanted us to do.

And I got Knock Knock Knock
to give everyone

an extra 15 minutes at lunch
to take care of personal matters.

And then the handsome gardener
turned to the sexy maid

and said,
"Take me, take me now."

Turns out,
if the clients aren't mad

and the workers aren't mad,
the bosses aren't mad.

So you're going
to keep the job?

Yeah, I'm pretty
good at it

and I actually kind
of like it, too.

Good.

Get out.
What?

I only invited you here
to light a fire under Virginia.

- You planned this?
- Of course.

When you're lucid,
you are scary lucid.

Wait a minute,
so you just

used me so this one
could become a better maid?

Yep, I always knew
she could do it.

Someone just
needed to push her

so she could find out
for herself.

Information I could have used
before I broke my own arm.

Just so you know,

if I catch you getting
lazy again, I'm telling her

about the Nazi gold
Wilfred buried in the yard.

Wow.

Maw Maw's just an eye patch
and a Persian cat away

from being
a supervillain.

I'm glad we take such
good care of her.

Keeps us on
her good side.

So you never told me

how you finally got
Virginia Island to work?

Well, it's not
actually an island.

It's more of a
place where...

you see nothing but the most
beautiful sky full of stars,

and the only sounds you hear
are crickets,

and when you take a breath,

you smell
the most delicious barbecue,

and all my favorite people
are there

just doing what we always do.

That sounds like our backyard
on a Saturday night.

There is one difference.

Hey, what's wrong with you?

Even in your fantasies you can't
go to a nice restaurant?

Hey, why don't you hand me down
a straw

so I can pole-vault up there
and slap you in the face?

No.

Hey, not cool, cuz.

Let me out of here.

My voice is bouncing
off the walls.

Is this
what I really sound like?

Aah!

What's a second second?