Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 12 - Hot Dish - full transcript

Almost ready!

Can't wait!

Honey, I'm scared.

Me too. My tongue is jammy.

It's gotta be better than
those baby duck livers and snails.

Now, I know I've had
some misfires in the past, but

this time I definitely made something
that everyone will love.

- Pizza!
- Yeah, I'm sure it will be great, honey.

You can't mess up pizza.

Lord knows the Hawaiians
really tried.

I just added one little
ingredient from Iron Chef.



Uh-oh.

See if you guys can figure out

what the secret ingredient is.

Tar?
Fire?

Magic marker?
Very close.

Squid ink.

I think I'd rather eat
the marker.

I know that the coloring's
a little bit odd,

but the judges on Iron Chef said

that everything tastes better
with squid ink.

Be sure to save
a little bit of room

because there's squid ink
apple pie in the freezer.

Don't you worry.
We are definitely gonna save room.

How's it taste, Maw Maw?



I have no idea.

My taste buds have been dead
for years.

At this point, it's all about

keeping the trains
running on time.

See ya tomorrow, Mr. Pizza.

These flowers smell
delicious, Sabrina.

Burt, smell these.

Mmm! Nothing smells
better than fresh-cut flowers.

I struck out again, didn't I?

You're family, and we love you,

but your food experiments
are sometimes just...

a little hoity-toilety.

You know what, you guys?

I just think you're being

a little bit
closed-minded about this.

I think you hear
the word squid ink

and you just assume

that somehow...

That tastes like a fish
had a baby

with a copy machine
in my mouth.

I don't know what you guys
are talking about.

I don't think
this is really that bad.

Oh, sure, Jimmy gets
black all over his face,

everybody laughs.

I do it for Halloween,
and it's a town incident.

♪ Whoo!

Oh, hey, Virginia.
Oh, wow, what's all that for?

Oh, I'm making angel hair pasta
and hot dogs for dinner, mm-hmm.

I call it my "Hair of the Dogs."
It's one of Burt's favorites.

Yeah, I totally love that.

I tried that once for a dinner
party, but instead of hot dogs,

I got fancy and I used clams.

Tell me you didn't call it
"Hair of the Clam."

Yeah, I didn't really think
it through very well.

You shouldn't start out

all fancy schmancy with that
stuff you only see on TV.

Yeah, it's just like
I'm flying blind here, you know?

Growing up, the only thing
I ever saw my mother serve

my father in the kitchen
were divorce papers.

Growing up, the only thing
that I ever saw

get baked
in the kitchen was my mother.

Growing up, the only thing
I ever say my mother do

in the kitchen
was the pool boy.

Growing up...Sabrina...
Yeah?

...do you want me to give
you some cooking lessons?

Oh, my God, yeah.
Okay.

Who the hell did that?

We should all be proud
of our Sabrina.

We practiced all yesterday,

and this is her first solo

attempt at my "Ashes to Mashes,
Dust to Crust" casserole.

And it is almost your recipe.

I just had to make
one little change.

Oh... you made a change?

Yeah, I know I'm supposed to add
the chip droppings, but I...

Dust. It's in the title.

You use the dust
in the bottom of the bag.

Right, but Jimmy likes

to lick the chip dust out
of our chip bags,

so I had to improvise.

Jimmy, please tell me you're
poking holes in those bags

before you lick 'em.

When Barb was younger he got his head stuck

in a party-size bag
and almost died.

I smelled barbecue
and saw a bright light.

It was the scariest and most
delicious moment of my life.

This is delicious.

Wow. This kinda tastes
like food.

I think this is even better
than Mom's.

Really? Better?

That's kind of a strong word,
don't you think?

You know what else
is a strong word? Oak.

Which is what I think this table
is made out of.

Let's talk about oak
for a while.

I gotta try
this amazing new recipe.

Hmm. Different.

I don't know
if I'd say "better."

Mine did win grand prize at the
Natesville Hot Dish competition,

which is sort of like

the Nobel Peace Prize of food.

Sabrina, this is awesome.

I think this is the best
casserole I've ever had.

Maybe it's cedar.

Cedar seems like a
solid table-making wood.

Jimmy, it really is just
your mother's recipe,

except for instead of chip dust,

I just ground up
some old cereal.

Oh, is that all you added?
Just cereal dust?

Whatever she did, it's amazing.

And I can't even
imagine how good

it's gonna taste when I don't
have gum in my mouth.

No, it says right here, "pine."

Boy, do I feel stupid.

See? I told you I could carry
you all the way from home.

That was fun.
We should do that more often.

Save a ton of money on gas.

Well, start carbo-loading
'cause you're my ride home.

Hey, guess who I signed up
for the Hot Dish competition?

Is it Michael Hunt?
'Cause they're on to that joke.

No, no, no.
I signed Sabrina up.

She's gonna carry on
the family tradition.

Oak tree, ten o'clock.

Burt, that's a cardboard tree
with elves making cookies.

Is it?

Barney, I'm coming out
of retirement. Sign me up.

Oh, my. This is like when Rocky

came out of retirement

in Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V
and Rocky Balboa.

Technically, he didn't
really come out

of retirement in Rocky V.

It was an unsanctioned
street fight.

But I appreciate
your excitement.

Mmm. Okay, that was interesting.

Moist, chewy.

I don't want to say soapy,
t it had a quality to it.

Burt, you just took a bite out
of a sponge I left on the table.

Hmm, better than I would
have thought.

Here, let me feed these to you.

I made three casseroles.
Each one has

a different new ingredient.

You veo tell me
which is the best one.

Uh.

Oh, this one's unbelievable.

I don't think I'd call it
a casserole. I'd call it

a kick-ass-erole.
What's the new ingredient?

Oh, that's a secret.

If I learned one thing
from Paula Deen

it's to keep my mouth shut.

You know, I was thinking we
should get away next weekend.

I've always wondered what the
big fuss was about Des Moines.

Are you crazy?
The Hot Dish competition

is this weekend.
Oh, you know what?

You're right. You're gonna have
to drop out of that.

Hey, let's see what
the weather is in Des Moines.

You're being weird.
I'm starting

to think you don't want me

to be in this contest.

Let's see, weather for Iowa
this weekend is thundersnow.

That should be interesting.

Burt.
I'm behind you, Virginia.

If you don't want
to be in this contest,

don't be in this contest.

I never said that!

Virginia, why didn't you tell me
you were signing up

for the Hot Dish competition?

If you're in it, then
I'm just gonna drop out.

Okay, than that's settled.
Who wants to watch Robocop?

Nothing is settled.

Sabrina, you're not dropping
out of the contest.

But don't you think it's gonna
be a little bit weird

if we're both going up
against each other?

No! This isn't about trying
to win,

it's about community and everyone
gets to taste each other's food.

It's just for fun.

Like the Super Bowl.

Okay, if you really don't mind,
then I'll do it.

But here's the good news,

I'm really not very
competitive, so...

Oh, please.

I'm, like, a hundred times
less competitive than you.

What?

What? I didn't
say anything.

I know you, Burt.

You only fake read when
something's bothering you.

I'm not fake reading.

I'm actually interested in...
debt ceilings. You think

we should get one of those?

We are not gonna buy a ceiling
that puts us into debt.

Now tell me what is
really bothering you,

or it's torture-tickle time.

Virginia, you're not gonna
be able to...

It's nothing, really!
I was just wondering

why you want to beat
Sabrina so bad!

I don't need to beat her.

Tickle torture works both ways.

No! No!
Why?! Why?! Why?!

Okay, fine!

When Jimmy said he liked her
casserole better than mine,

a little piece
of my heart broke.

I didn't hear him say that.

Yes, you did.

Then you changed the subject,
started talking about oak.

Oh, the oak tree.
The sturdiest of the hardwoods.

Brother of the maple.
King of the forest.

See? You're trying
to change the subject again.

Look, I know I wasn't
the perfect mom,

but the one thing
I always got right was cooking.

Mommy, I tried to steal

the mouse's peanut butter again.

I know what'll make you
feel better.

Some of Mommy's hot dog
and macaroni casserole

with spray cheese.

Mom, I attacked this door
because

Emily Wilson won't go
to the prom with me.

Oh, honey, you don't want
to date a muffin top.

You want a muffin
topped with dates.

They're a lot sweeter
than Emily

and they're not pregnant
with the gym teacher's baby.

Bradley Wong
did it to me again.

He can't have playdates
with Hope anymore.

Aw, honey, sit down.
I made corn on the cobbler.

My cooking was always there
for Jimmy.

But now I'm afraid
he's not gonna be there

for my cooking anymore.

Well, Jimmy's still gonna
love your cooking.

What does it matter what
a couple of judges think?

Because once I win
that contest,

Jimmy's gonna remember how happy
my food makes him.

I just want Jimmy to be happy.

Why didn't you say so?

All I want is for Jimmy
to be happy, too.

Are you crazy?!
What was that for?

Why would you tell Sabrina you
like her cooking better

than your mom's in
front of your mom?!

I was just being honest.
Ah! Could you stop doing that?

I'm sorry, but you keep
opening your mouth

and stupid stuff
keeps coming out.

Okay, signing Sabrina up

for the competition
was a dumb idea.

I'm sorry. Ah!

Never apologize to a man
who's slapped you.

What are you doing?

You know that carny
with the milk bottle booth?

He takes my money
every year, but this time

I'm walking away
with that stuffed giraffe.

You know, for a woman your age,
it seems a little petty

and juvenile to obsess
over a stuffed giraffe.

This isn't about the giraffe.

It's about good and evil.

About the triumph
of the human spirit.

Proving to society that
older people have value.

Really?
No. It's about the giraffe.

I know it's highly flammable,

filled with shredded
Chinese newspaper,

but damn it, I want it.

Respect.

And that's coming from the guy

who has to clean that up.

I just don't see any way
out of this, Jimmy.

I know.

There's no possible solution.

It's like a crossword puzzle.

Well, it's been great
spending holidays with you

these past 25 years.
Farewell, son.

Too bad there's not someone good
enough to beat the both of them.

That's exactly what we need.

A ringer!

Hello.

Mom, Dad.

This out of nowhere visit
is wildly unexpected.

When was the last time
we saw you two?

Oh, that's right.

It was when you lied to Burt
about being Jewish

and stole all his
Bar Mitzvah money.

Virginia, dear,

life's too short
to carry a grudge.

Yep, if there's one
thing we've learned

the week we were Jews,
is "always forget..."

and hide your art.

Oh, Burt, would you
help your father

carry the electric mixer
in from the car?

I've got to get busy
on my hot dish.

Wait...

Hot dish?

Are you here to enter
the competition?

I'm not here to enter it.

I'm here to win it.

Ow.
What was that for?

That's for dragging your
mother and me into this.

Oh, and for scratching my
Datsun 280Z back in 1985.

I know you did it.

You know pitting two females

in the same family
against each other

only leads to trouble.

It's not my fault. Jimmy
started the whole thing.

Oh...

That's for blaming other people.
I'm sorry.

Never apologize to
a man who slapped you.

Can I slap him back?
You can try.

Well, as long as Mom wins,

everything should be fine.

Oh, that's easy for you to say.

You have no idea what
your mother makes me do

for these damn contests.

Come on, Ralph.

It's a mixer, not a
trip to the bathroom.

I expect you to go quicker
with less grunting.

♪ My hot dish brings
all the boys to the yard ♪

♪ And they're right,
it's better than yours ♪

♪ Damn right,
it's better than yours ♪

♪ I could teach you,
but I'd have to charge ♪

♪ My hot dish brings
all the boys to the yard ♪

♪ And they're right,
it's better than yours ♪

♪ Damn right,
it's better than yours ♪

♪ I could teach you,
but I'd have to charge ♪

♪ My hot dish brings all
the boys to the yard ♪

♪ They're right,
it's better than yours... ♪

♪ Damn right...
Ooh, Virginia.

That is, hands down, the best
casserole you've ever made.

That's your mother's.

Best casserole... ever...

to feed to our nation's enemies.

Ship this off to Europe

and teach those
Italians a lesson.

Welcome to the 2013
Radish Festival!

Step right up
for the ring toss...

It's not whether you
come in first place

or even second place.

What's important is
that we're together

and we make this the best
Radish Festival ever.

I'm not gonna lie to you, Burt.

If I lose, I may
not take it well.

As in, I may burn
Howdy's to the ground

and dance on its ashes.

Figuratively.

Wait, does that
mean "for real"?

'Cause I mean
"for real."

So that's why she
asked me for the roses.

Burt!

It's just a dumb competition.

Why does Jimmy have to
like your cooking better?

Isn't it enough
that I love your cooking?

Oh, yeah?
Well, what about yesterday,

with your mom's casserole?
Well, she's my mom.

You're my husband.

So if I'm supposed to like

your cooking better
than my mom's,

shouldn't Jimmy like
Sabrina's better than yours?

I... Great.

In all your synopses,
nobody likes my cooking.

Well, in all your synopses,

no one's allowed
to like anyone else's.

I'm starting to think
this isn't about

you being a good mom
to Jimmy at all.

You just want everyone to
like your cooking the best.

No, that's not it at all.

Well...

Okay, fine, that's exactly it.

Okay, Barbara June.

All your training
has come down to this.

Is that an energy drink?

Sort of.

It's a month's supply
of steroids

for my arthritis.

I may have a full beard
by the end of the day,

but I'm going home
with that giraffe.

Any word from the judges?

Nope. They're still
cleansing their palates

from this morning's Guess What's
In That Sausage competition.

Well, I really think
Sabrina has a shot.

Her casserole is unbelievable.

Oh, my... oh, my...
oh, my God, that's disgusting.

Ugh.

Taste like a dirty sock
filled with old cheesecake.

I used to smuggle food
into fat camp.

Come on, Barney.

It was great yesterday.

Oh, what happened?
This is awful.

Ugh, sorry, James.

I guess Sabrina's out.

Well, at least Virginia
still has a chance.

Oh, man.

I bet Mom messed with
Sabrina's casserole.

She's so competitive.

Well, you know what?

Just like solitaire,

two can play at this game.

Oh, I didn't hear that.

As a respected official
of this festival,

I refuse to tarnish
my integrity.

Now excuse me while I go
sell parched festival-goers

$10 bottles of tap water.

What are you doing?

I know what you did
to Sabrina's casserole,

and now I'm just giving you a
taste of your own medicine.

Before you do that, why don't
you taste the medicine?

Oh, it's horrible.

Not the juice.

My casserole.

Oh, it's horrible!

Why can't anyone cook anymore?

Is it me?

Maybe I went mouth-blind.
Can people go mouth-blind?

There's nothing wrong

with you or my cooking.

I tanked the contest.

Well, why would you do that?

I've had the prize
for 25 years.

It's Sabrina's turn.

But someone ruined
her casserole.

She's not gonna
win the contest.

Winning the contest
isn't the prize, Jimmy.

So if you didn't mess
with Sabrina's hot dish,

then who did?

Attention, please!

We have a winner
in the Hot Dish competition.

Christine Chance

and her Much Ado
About Stuffing Casserole!

Guess we know

who messed with Sabrina's.

Well, honey, you and Sabrina

did an amazing job.
What can you do?

Grandma's a cheater.

Look, Grandpa's paying
off the judges right now.

He's my dad.
I'll take care of this.

What...?

Casserole coming up.
Casserole coming up.

Dad!

You've made a terrible mistake.

That is not my mother!

Settle down, Burt.
It's not what you think.

I was doing this
for your mother.

I don't see how lip-wrestling
with the editor

of Casserole Today
could be for her.

See, I throw the judges
a little sugar

so your mother wins.

I think she'd prefer you kept
your sugar to yourself.

No, I wouldn't.

It was my idea.

It certainly wasn't mine.

That judge had been tasting
hot dishes for an hour.

Like making out with 14 layers

of cheese, beef and mayonnaise.

You two are sick.

Don't be naive.

It's the way
the world works, Burt.

Elections, casting couches,

local casserole competitions...

How do you think you made
the team in Little League?

You couldn't make it
to second base,

so your father had to.

But...

Like I said to Kareem
Abdul-Jabbar in '78,

you're coming home with me,

you tall fre.

Back again!

Never seem to learn, do you?

Shut your pie hole,
you filthy carny,

and give me some balls.

We go by "carnival
game technician" now.

Whatever.

I'll make it quick,

so you can get back to
mouth-kissing your cousin.

Take 'em down, Barbara June.

You got the heat.

You just got to bring it
a little lower.

Something I also said to Kareem.

But I've got a problem.

I can't move my arm.

I've seen this kind
of dislocation bore.

I'm pretty sure I
can pop it back in.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!
Actually,

I think
it's a torn rotator cuff.

And I'm almost certain
I just made it worse.

You got to throw for me, Frank.

I got to have that giraffe.

I can't throw.

What the hell's the problem?

Throw the ball, you wuss.

Run!
Oh!

Suck it, homie!

Well, my parents didn't ruin
Sabrina's casserole, but...

I finally realized how I won
that high school essay contest

with a hand-drawn
picture of boobs.

Well, if Grandma didn't mess
with Sabrina's casserole,

then who did?

Guys,

I ruined my own casserole.

Well, I didn't know
what else to do.

I knew how much winning this
competition meant to you.

You didn't have to do that.

The only reason
I entered this contest

was to make you proud,
not step on your toes.

The only reason
I entered the contest

was to destroy you
in front of Jimmy.

How did our good intentions
go so wrong?

Aw.

Hey, Mom,

maybe you can teach
Sabrina some more recipes.

She sure did a great
job with that last one.

I love that idea. Now that I've
learned how to make a casserole,

I'd love to try
some other new things.

Wilfred and I liked
to try new things:

opium, group sex, tiramisu.

Winning the Hot Dish really
sparked my competitive fires.

I'm gonna enter
the Camden County Muffin Contest

in a few weeks.
Oh, I've heard about that.

I think they have
all male judges.

Oh, dear Lord.