Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 13 - Thrilla in Natesvilla - full transcript

Oh, you're dead.

Over the years, my
parents' backyard had been home

to rabid raccoons,
a hive of killer bees,

and a chunk
of frozen blue airplane poop

that cannonballed into the hot tub.

All these were more pleasant
than what was going on here.

It all started
because of a bad smell.

Oh.
Ooh.

What is that?

Ooh.
Is that us?

You smell like fertilizer.



Mm. You smell like
toilet bowl cleaner.

Well, it's not us.

Oh.
Oh, I think I'm getting warmer.

Ooh, I also think
I found the smell.

My eyes are tearing up,
look at that.

I think
it's got to be the rug.

Or what's under the rug.

Oh, wait.

Are you sure you
want to do that?

I gotta know, Virginia.

I gotta know.

Aah!
Aah! Ugh!

Why did I want to know?

Oh.
Oh, why? You can't unsmell that.



Oh.

♪ Whoo!

I was curing some
nice jerky under that rug.

Well, let's clean it off, take
it outside for a couple of days.

This is my house.

No one's leaving me outside
for a couple of days.

I'm talking about
the rug, Maw Maw.

Just take it outside.
I hope it doesn't

attract any more animals.

More animals mean more jerky.

It's the circle of jerky.

Hey, guys.

Barney's freaking out about

his first date with Maxine.

He's asking everybody to go
with him for moral support.

But I'm a terrible wingman.

Women can't resist
my potent sexual magnetism.

Sabrina, eyes up here.

Frank, your fly's open.

Can't sell if you
don't advertise.

What did you tell Barney?

I just made up an excuse.

Told him I'm gonna get a perm.

Well, I think we should
support Barney.

I'm not going. It's
not because of Barney.

It's 'cause of my Aunt Maxine.

It's like she's always

criticizing everything I eat

and what I wear and...

how I married a guy who's
just completely beneath...

my wings.

Like the wind.

You can stop.

Hey, Sabr...

...immy.
You see what I did there?

- I combo'd your names because
you're my favorite couple. - Oh.

How would you two like to go on a double date...
Oh, we can't.

We... have to go to our

first fencing lesson.
Yeah, they're gonna

teach us how to build a...
Fight with swords.

- Wow. Everyone I've asked
said they were busy tonight. - Huh.

Never realized it would be
so hard to arrange a foursome.

Is that how you're phrasing it?

Because I think
that's a problem.

You know who would love
to go on a double date?

My parents.

And they're totally
free on Tuesdays.

because their favorite
TV show moved to Fridays.

Great idea, guys.

Bur...ginia.

Did you
see what I did there?

I combo'd your names because
you're my favorite couple.

Oh.
Hey, I like that.

And we'll call you Barn...

...nobody. Sorry.

Halfway into that, I realized

you don't have a girlfriend.

While that's been true
since the mid-aughts,

I am now currently
in a relationship with Maxine.

Albeit long-distance

and mostly virtual.

Well, good for you, Barney.

Does Maxine know?

Not only does she
know, but tonight

is our first
in-person date.

And I could not be more...

terrified.

Would you two please come with?

Dinner's on me.

Well, sounds more fun

than scraping the
dead meat smell

out of our floor.

Sure, we'd love to.

Oh, thank God you'll be there.

Because I tend to compensate
for awkward silences

by stuffing bread in my mouth.

Yeah.

Our reservation's at 7:00.

Ooh.

This place is so fancy.

They give you free soup.

It's lukewarm and
a little lemony,

but it's free.

That's for your fingers.

Oh, so it's like
finger sandwiches,

but with soup.

I will never
understand the rich.

Welcome to Prairie,

Natesville's first
farm-to-table restaurant,

where all of our meats...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we get it,
we know all the animals

had a great life
before they were

brutally slaughtered, but we're
ready to order.

So you don't want
to meet your chicken?

No.

But the lady will have him
roasted in mustard sauce

with fingerling potatoes.

And my husband will have

the pork shoulder

with the roasted
red vegetables.

That's exactly what I wanted,
but you forgot one thing.

Oh, that's right.

Even though my husband's
not having the lobster,

he would like the bib.

And I will have...

Ah, hey, hey, hey, hey.

Allow me.
Oh.

My lovely date
will have the veal.

Mm.

Chick...
Bzzt.

Lobst...
Mm.

Vealchicklobst.

That sounds better
than turducken.

That's okay, Barney, I got it.

And I will have
the bison steak.

No gluten, no trans fats,

no dairy, no sugar, no salt.

I'll have all her
"no's" on the side.

They sound delicious.

And above all, no legumes.

That's nuts.

You said it, not me.

Hello. My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father.
Prepare to die.

En garde.

Parry, parry, thrust.

My name isn't Perry, you fool.

Prepare to taste
my bendy sword.

Ooh!

We are so lame, aren't we?
What?

What if, instead of just
picking up one of these flyers

to show to Barney,

we actually took
one of these classes ourselves?

It was then that I
realized narrating other people's

activities was just
disguising the fact

that we had none of our own.

Mmm.

I'm kind of upset
I didn't meet that chicken.

I want to thank him
for being so delicious.

This pig is pretty amazing, too.

I'm kind of surprised they don't
eat each other more often.

Mm.
If your shoulder tasted this good,

I'd have a hard time
stopping myself.

Excuse me.
Yes, ma'am?

Number one, I don't remember
ordering extra attitude.

And number two, this steak

is delicious, there's no way it
wasn't cooked with trans fats.

Come on, Maxine.

You sent it back three times.

Maybe at this point what you're
tasting is the chef's saliva.

Barney, it's a $60 steak,
just let me handle it.

I was just trying
to defuse the situation.

You don't have to snap at me

in front of my friends.

That wasn't snapping,
this is snapping.

Now why would
you do that?

You know the art of snapping
has always eluded me.

What are you gonna
throw in my face next?

The fact that you can
fold your tongue or tiptoe?

Barney,
we are in a restaurant.

I refuse to make a scene.

I refuse to make a scene!

So...

You really can't tiptoe?

I was an obese child
raised by two lesbians

who only wore sandals.

I never stood a chance.

I think it's working.

I knew if we scraped hard
enough, we'd get the smell out.

Let's hope this

"Angel's Whisper" can help us
do the rest of the job.

Mm. Guess that is what
that would smell like.

Ow.

Aah, I got a splinter.

I've got, like, ten of 'em.

Ow.
Welcome to our new reality.

Paradise from the ankles up.

Oh, hello.

Yes, I know it's the
middle of the night,

I just really, really
need your help.

I feel like a fool.

I acted horribly rude
at the restaurant tonight.

Like that time you barged into someone's house
Ugh.

in the middle of the night?

Listen, I really like Barney,
and I do not want to lose him.

I don't think he's gonna
find someone before morning.

In fact, knowing Barney, you
probably have five to ten years

to solve this problem.

Well, I'm not the kind of person to wait
until the morning to solve a problem.

Well, we are.

Sometimes we put things
off till the afternoon,

or maybe three months later.

Look, I saw the way
you two were at dinner tonight.

Ordering for each other,
so in sync.

Can Barney and I maybe just

watch you
for a couple days just to...

get a feeling for how you

do what you do?

I'll pay you. A lot.

Oh, you think we're so desperate
for money that we'll be used

as guinea pigs in your
bizarre relationship experiment?

Because if that's
what you think we are...

the answer is yes.
Really?

We need a new rug to cover
this splinter minefield

on the floor. Besides, what's
the worst that could happen?

That's just what comic strip
Cathy says every Monday,

then, boom, she can't
fit into a bathing suit.

Oh, come on, Burt.

A new rug?

I always hear people bragging

about how their carpets
match their drapes.

You're right.

I want to be one
of those people.

Good morning.
Good morning.

Good morning.
And, full disclosure,

I will be recording this

for training purposes.

That is not a problem.

I was just about to
whip up some breakfast.

While I retrieve
the breakfast beverages.

I'll miss you.

I'll miss you more.

I hope everybody

likes sticks and scones.

Wait, you made those already?

Well, we made the batter last
night before we went to bed.

And we got up at 4:00
to put them in the oven.

And then we went back to bed

for a couple more hours
of cuddling.

We always say,

"Love is the most important part

of a complete
and balanced breakfast."

If you're not gonna be real,
this isn't gonna work.

Exactly. Listen,
we don't need a show,

we just need to see
how you really live.

Ah, thank God.

Come on out, Maw Maw.

What's with the spread?

Is it Christmas already?

I'll be in the bathroom
if anybody needs me.

It's okay, she's got
a TV tray in there.

Huh, huh, huh.

Hup. Hut!

Aren't you two taking your
Barney excuse a little far?

Well, we actually went
to fencing lessons.

Turns out our lying might have
led us to a real passion.

I get to do my
light saber sound.

And when he does that sound, I get to
stab him in the chest with a sword.

I actually
really love my perm, too.

I'm thinking about
keeping it forever.

Oh, you're gonna
make your perm...

What's that word
I'm looking for?

Always there...

not temporary...

tenured...
Let's just give him some space.

...perpetual.
He'll get it.

Infinite in its sameness.
Okay.

No.

Enduring, forever,

durable, persistent...

So, are you guys always about
three and a half inches apart

when on the couch?
I guess.

W-We kind of go where
the couch dip tells us.

And, I'm sorry,
I-I was kind of caught up

watching the lion eat
the baby meerkat, uh,

but who initiated
the hand-holding?

Uh...
Uh, we can't really figure it out.

It just kind of happens
on its own.

Guys, please, we're
paying you for answers.

Calm down,

Maxine.
I'm sorry. I'm just frustrated

because they agree on everything
and they never, ever fight.

That's not true.
We used to fight.

Yeah, we weren't
always perfect.

All couples fight
in the beginning.

You know who saved us?

You won't believe this,

but it was that former
daytime talk show host

Sally Jessy Raphael.

Yeah. SJR says that couples
fight over three things:

parenting, sex and being broke.

We were like,
"Oh, my God, that's us.

Can she see us
through the TV?"

It's like she was
talking directly to us.

Teaching us that if
a cross-dressing skinhead

and a break-dancing rabbi
can stay married

just by not fighting
over sex, parenting, and money,

then so could we.

But those problems
aren't our problems.

Yeah. Maxine makes
a good living

and I haven't
bought groceries in 20 years.

So cheddar isn't an issue,
money or cheese.

And children probably aren't
in play because I sold

most of my eggs years ago

to pay for business school.

So that just leaves sex,

which isn't a problem because
Barney refuses to make a move.

I'm sorry. I...

I get nervous.

Maybe it's because
of my ex-wife's pet name for me,

"The Guy Who Can't
Give Me an Orgasm."

One year, she even

put it on my birthday cake.

Barney, would it help you

if I sent you a cake
that said "Do Me Anytime"?

Is that an invitation?

Be gentle.
No.

Judging from how Barney
shivered when she took his hand,

this won't take too long.

Well, I just got kicked out

of a three-way
in my own bedroom.

Big mistake.

I'm a great utility player.

Wow, these are, like, real rugs.

These are a lot nicer
than the ones Jorge sells

behind the gas station.

Yeah, I don't think
he sells those.

I think he's just showing off
how many rugs he has.

You know, I think
this may be the first time

we've actually bought
anything new for the house.

Yeah. The stuff's either
Maw Maw's or hand-me-downs

or "Hey, look,
they're throwing that out"s.

It'll be so nice to have a rug
that doesn't glow

like the Milky Way
under a black light.

Burt, it'll be our special rug.

And I see the perfect one.

Me, too.

That one.

But this one is so luxurious.

I could really see myself
reading

in front of the fireplace
on this.

I mean, if I read

and our chimney wasn't filled
with raccoons.

Every time I look at it,
I'm gonna hear the word "shag"

in my head
and that's gonna urge me to do

my Austin Powers impression

every time, baby.

Yeah!

I hate when I do that.

Look at this.

Oriental rug.

The correct term
is Asian-American rug.

Besides, that pattern

is busier
than a Chinese fire drill.

I still like this one.

But... I've heard orange
is the new black,

but I definitely do
not want a black rug.

I mean, African-American rug.

Burt, we could carve pumpkins
on this rug,

spill orange juice,
give each other spray tans.

The possibilities are endless.

Name one more thing.
You name one more thing.

Well, I guess
we wouldn't have to worry

if we touched it
with barbeque chip fingers.

Or cheese puff fingers.

Fine, the possibilities
are endless.

But I still want that rug.

Oh, my God.

Are we fighting over a rug?

There is no rug fight.

So maybe this is
the money fight?

No, the money fight
is when we're broke

and can't afford
to buy anything.

Maxine gave us plenty of cash,
so it can't be that.

It can't be the sex fight after
what we did twice this morning.

Well, that just leaves
the parenting fight.

And as happy as it would
make me, I can't figure

any way we can pin this
on Jimmy.

I know. I had that thought, too,
and I got nothing.

That means...

We've discovered
a fourth kind of fight.

That bitch Sally Jessy
lied to us.

Is it also possible that...

baby mamas don't always
lead to drama?

Uh... I don't know what
to believe anymore!

Burt, we're not prepared
for another kind of fight.

Let's just get out of here.

This is Clarence.

Now, not only are you gonna be
eating him tonight,

but the batter that we're gonna
fry him in is gonna be made

with eggs
from his lifelong partner, Lucy.

There they are.

Natesville's perfect couple.

The love savers.

Do you know that,
before you two,

I always shied away from
public displays of affection,

but now...

Well... someone's

not getting up to go
to the salad bar anytime soon.

Ah. We're so happy
you could let us buy you dinner

as a thank you
for all you've done for us.

Sorry we're late.

We were at the rug store.

Oh, what kind of
rug did you buy?

What's with the third degree?

Jeepers, Burt.

My queen just asked you
a question.

Are you mad at us?

I'm sorry.
It's not you,

it's-it's us.

Are you two fighting?

You never fight.

What's going on?

Drugs? Infidelity?

Banned German pornography?

I'm just spitballing.

We can't agree
on which rug to buy.

Which is crazy 'cause we agree
on everything else in our lives,

from which animals
go to Heaven...

Dogs, cats, bigfoots, elephants.

...to the best kind of ice cream.
Bubble gum.

Then why do you come in every
week and buy a pint of chocolate?

Hey. Whatever happened to
grocer-customer confidentiality?

The Patriot Act
changed everything.

Is this true, Burt?

Are you really sneaking around
to buy chocolate ice cream?

Maybe?

See? This is what you get

for listening to that
Sally Jessy Raphael.

You never take
advice from someone

with three names.
Lee Harvey Oswald,

John Wayne Gacy,

Mary Louise Parker--

they're all notorious
psychopaths.

She's right.
Of course I'm right.

And there aren't just
three types of fights.

There's millions, and I think

that you two have
been avoiding them.

You know,
if you don't clear the air

every once in a while,
stuff builds up

until it explodes.

Next thing you know,
you're crying

in a bubble bath

listening to Linda Ronstadt,

trying to forget the image
of your cousin

tongue-kissing your now ex-wife.

That sounds awful.

I don't want to listen
to Linda Ronstadt.

I like Linda Ronstadt.

She brings a sassy Latin flavor
to the adult contemporary genre.

Oh, my God. We don't agree
on anything anymore.

It's like fight dominoes.

You two need a good,
healthy brawl.

I think he's right, Burt.

Me, too. I love you.

I love you, too.

This fight's off
to a terrible start.

Okay, name-calling, screaming
and dish-throwing are allowed.

Any reference to your opponent's
mother is considered a low blow

and is encouraged.

Yes. And, remember, you don't
have to be able to take it

to dish it out.

Hey! Guys!

Barney just texted us

and told us you were about
to have a fight.

What's going on?

You guys never fight.

Apparently that's our problem.

What's the fight
about? Is it me?

Did I do something wrong?

Jimmy, honey, you know
we would blame it on you

if we could.

Okay. Come on.
Let's get started.

Uh...

We really don't know how
to start.

Why don't you start with
something small, like, um...

maybe he chews too loud.

I like the way I chew.

You said it made you

feel safe to know
I was snacking nearby.

I was lying.

Okay?
I mean, I also said

that I like those
silly little underwear

that you wear in our bedroom.

They're my "manties," and
they make me feel virile.

Let me tell you something,
mister-- the only part

of a man's wardrobe
that should have satin

is the lining
of his smoking jacket!

Do you two mind? It's kind of
hard for Virginia and I

to start a fight with all
this tension in the air.

Please don't fight.
Mommy and Daddy love each other.

Mommy and Daddy love each other.
Mommy and Daddy love each other.

Hey, hey. hey. Don't turn away
from this, Jimmy.

I'm telling you, it's totally
healthy for children to see

that their parents
don't always agree.

I know what you're getting at,
but I still refuse to fight

in front of Hope.

My parents fought in front of me

all the time
and I turned out okay.

You're a rich girl who
married into all this.

Something went pretty wrong.

All right.

En garde!

Hey.

Which one of you's gonna pay me

the $40 I spent on supplies?

Don't anybody give him a nickel.

I'm not paying for this!

Now all the tufts of hair
on my body

will look the same!

That's the beauty of it!

That's why you get a perm.

Now give me my money!

You want to talk about not sexy?

How 'bout we start
with your O-face.

Not sexy!

As my parents sneaked back into
the house, they couldn't help

but think about Sally Jessy
Raphael as they watched

the rest of us fight
about sex...

Ooh, look at my ass
and my little...

tiny little underwear.
I look like a child.

...parenting...

You really want Hope
to see this?

Yep. It's gonna empower her
when I kick your ass.

...and money.

I'm sick of this!
I'm spending all day...

I know how I look!
I look good!

I don't want to fight.
Me neither.

Good. Burt, if you want
chocolate ice cream,

then just get chocolate
ice cream.

You don't have to lie to me.

I was only lying because,
while I like chocolate,

I love watching you enjoy
bubble gum ice cream even more.

You do?

I think that's why I was

so upset about the rug.

What?
Seeing you happy makes me happy

so I give in on
a lot of things.

I just thought this
time I'd pick something.

I had no idea that the rug
was so important to you.

We're never gonna be
world travelers.

That rug made me feel
like I was actually

on vacation in Asian America.

Mmm.

The rug you like makes me feel

like I'm
in my parents' basement.

Oh, my God.

That's why I like it so much.

Burt, do you remember
what we used to do on that rug

when we were teenagers?

♪ Take on me

♪ Take on me ♪

♪ Take me on...

We made some real sparks
on that rug.

Yes, we did.
Now I totally want that rug.

Oh, wait a minute.
We've got a whole yard

full of people
out there fighting.

Should we
tell 'em we made up?

I have a better idea.

You want to take
it for a test drive?

I think that I do.

♪ Take on me

♪ Take on me ♪

♪ I'll be gone

♪ In a day...

Let me know when
you two lovebirds are done

with the rug.
If this tastes as good

as it fights, this is gonna be
some great jerky.

Everybody look busy.