Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 14 - Road to Natesville - full transcript

Whoo!

♪ here we go

♪ oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

Announcer:
The following is a presentation

Of the supermarket channel,

Home of the 2013 grocery games.

Narrator: Natesville. Two towns
over from anytown, u.S.A.

It's the kind of town
where people still do business

With a handshake.

Where every citizen--
four-legged or not--

Is treated
with the same level of respect.



Natesville has a long history
of not having much history,

But that's about to change.

The 2013 international
grocery games

Have been awarded

To natesville.

(cheering)

Finally natesville will be known
for something other than being

The town with that weird hum
no one can track down.

(distant humming)

Barney: I'm a bit
of a grocery games junkie.

This is a-a poster from
the inaugural games in 1986.

When reagan and gorbachev
finally sat down face-to-face

And found a way
for our two countries

To challenge each other without
resorting to nuclear weapons--



The grocery games.

And to this day, the american
team has never won the games.

This year,
that is going to change.

Narrator: Barney and the rest
of natesville's confidence

Is so high because this year,
the american squad is stocked

With grade a grocery talent.

Stacy finley, can-stacker.

Danny bronson, grocery-bagger.

(starting pistol fires)
paul kroll,

Champion cart-wrangler.

Last but not least, the anchor
leg of the competition,

The event that separates
the men from the stock boys--

The deli platter assembly.

American brett sommerstein,
ironically

A vegetarian, is the best
slicer of deli meats

This country has ever produced.

But victory is far
from guaranteed,

As this year's russian team
is as strong as ever.

Local natesvillapudlians open
their hearts and their homes

To these gladiators
of the grocery

In an unselfish show
of sportsmanship and kindness.

What'd he bring us? What'd he
bring us? What'd he bring us?

Looks like... A bottle
of turnip vodka,

Some dried fish

And a bunch of socks.

Ooh, I need socks.

This hosting thing
is awesome.

I'm so glad we got...
What's-his-face-istan.

My name is sergei
berdimuhamedov,

And that is my luggage.

The russian competitors bond
with their local hosts.

Oh, hey, cool screen saver.

I'm still sticking
with flying toasters.

No, no, that's my internet
girlfriend.

Don't worry.
She can't see us.

I don't turn the camera on
unless I'm wearing my baby mask.

Well, if you
love this horse,

Why do you hide your face?
Frank:
We may hide our faces,

But that just makes it easier
to bare our souls.

And one time when we were drunk,

She showed me one of her boobs,
so I showed her one of mine.

Another thing we have
in common: Nice cans.

And no sooner had the
pleasantries been exchanged,

When cultural differences

Rose to a level
not seen since rocky iv.

I am svetlana,
and this is my daughter dasha.

Welcome.
Look at these

Pathetic americans.

Hey.
They are soft
like pierogi dough.

And they are so tiny.

We would feed this
to ox and hope

For strong baby next time.

Get the bags, dasha!
Oh. No, no, no.

Hey, listen, we can...
Help with... (yelps)

Don't help her!

We can help with...
(grunts)

(upbeat dance music playing)

While some athletes
were all business,

Others were eager
for some fun and games.

Hey, frank, does this club
at the bowling alley

Have a dress code?

Woman:
And after he pushed me

Into the reptile enclosure,

I was never able to trust
another man again.

Aw, that is, until now.

(frank sneezes)

Is there somebody else there
with you?

(sneezes)

An allergic reaction
to the russian cologne,

Chernobyl breeze, sends frank
into a sneezing fit.

Oh, man. Are you okay?

I can call 911!

(sneezes, gasping)

Oh, my god.

Horse-head is shelley?

Hello?

Hello? Are you okay?

So, I've had sex with horse

And I've had sex with woman,

But I've never had sex
with hybrid horse-woman.

(chuckles)

While the rest of natesville
adapts to their foreign guests,

Barney hughes learns
that americans

Can be just as surprising.

Hey, guys!

You have time for a few pictures
with your biggest fan?

(gasps)

Brett:
Could you close
the door, barney?

We're busy doping.
Uh, uh...

Um... Uh, uh,
you can't use this footage

If there's nudity, right?

You're just covering this
with a graphic, aren't you?

Narrator:
As the sun rises on natesville,

It sets on a disgraced
and disqualified american team,

Whose doping antics
have left their hopes

As shriveled
as their testicles.

Just when it appeared
that being from natesville

Was going to suck a little bit
more than usual, barney hughes

Makes a discovery
that could change

The course
of the grocery games.

This is kind of interesting.

"if any competitor cannot
partake in the games,

Replacements may be chosen by
the manager of the host store."

Emphasis on "kind of."

There are much more
interesting books out there.

Remind me
to lend you

Some danielle steel.

Sounds like you should get
in touch with the runners-up

From the u.S. Championships.

Forget that. You
guys should do it.

(chuckles)
how often

Do you get
to represent your nation?

On a world stage?

On a channel that reaches over
three percent of american tvs?

Oh, but we wouldn't
stand a chance.

Yeah, barney's right.

All right, the russian team
is made up of professionals.

We just do this for a living.

Guys. Come on.

This is your chance to shine.

Besides,
don't you think

It would be nice
for natesville to be known

For something other
than that mysterious hum?

Or the kazoo-testing facility?

Sabrina:
Actually, I wasn't
really listening.

I had a... Itch on my neck,
and I was trying to scratch it

With the tag on the back of
my shirt by nodding like...

Jimmy:
Yeah, I wasn't nodding either.

One of my favorite songs just...

Came on in my head,
and I was just

Bopping along to it.

♪ get it, get it, get it,
get it, pull my taffy, boys ♪

♪ pull my taffy, boys.

Don't you think we need a reason
to hold our heads high?

Besides being
the only town

In the United States
to surrender to the japanese

The day after pearl harbor?

Barney:
Sometimes I think

If I concentrate hard enough,

I can make the clock go faster.

And what
about the kids?

We could do it for the kids,

The future

Of natesville.

Frank:
I looked like I was agreeing,

But sometimes when I'm bored,
I pretend I'm a pez dispenser.

We're the town that voted
to make our official bird

The middle finger.

Well, winning this
would be

Like giving a middle finger
to the world.

Burt:
I didn't even hear
what she was saying.

It's just when she gets
behind something,

She gets so passionate and hot.

That year she got behind
ruben studdard on idol,

We had so much sex
it was crazy.

Aren't you sick
of being laughed at?

(woman giggling,
man laughing)

Narrator:
Virginia's speech may have been
falling on deaf ears,

But someone else's ears
were being filled

With sweet nothings.

Maxim:
Oh, I feel so sorry

For this puny
american cucumber.

It's so small
it could not satisfy

Anyone's appetite
for anything.

In russia,
cucumbers are much bigger.

I'm not big on
vegetables, so...

I hope you're talking
about penises.

Of course I was.
(chuckles)

Da.
(chuckles)

So who's in?

I knew it.

I knew you were all just nodding
for your own personal reasons.

I'm in.

Just like rebecca

Never gave up
on her ex-husband paul

In danielle steel's
matters of the heart,

I'm not giving up on america.

Never thought
I'd say this...

But frank here's my guy.

Who else is with us?

Well, after frank volunteered,
we kind of had to.

I mean, he is officially the
laziest guy in the store.

Barney does superlatives
in the annual howdy's yearbook.

At first I was scared
to do this,

But the more I thought
about it, I realized

I don't have a fancy,
glamorous life.

I work in a grocery store.

I'm sick of getting my glory
piece by piece.

I want my glory whole!

Narrator:
Can this ragtag group
of underdogs

Really take
on the russian superstars?

Find out after these messages.

Then at 8:30,

Stay tuned
for sample ladies after dark.

This week a fat guy gets busted

For taking more than his share
of cheese cubes.

Narrator:
With only one day to prepare
and half of that

Spent buying
matching sweat suits,

Team u.S.A. Embarks on a series

Of nontraditional
training exercises

Set to up-tempo music.

(up-tempo music playing)

(whirring)

(chicken clucking)

Go.

What are you doing?

Use the slicer.

On his deathbed, I shook

My grandfather's thumb-less hand

And promised him
I'd be the first marolla

To die with ten fingers.

But, frank, it's gonna take
an hour to fill the platter.

I'll tell you
what I tell the customers:

You can have it fast
or you can have it finger-free.

While the team is busy
training, food lines

Are forming.

Some citizens of natesville,

Used to a heavy diet
of processed lunch meat,

Begin to lose their cool.

Who do you got to sleep with
in this place

To get a half a pound
of olive loaf?!

(whirring)

Hey, that-that's
a health code v...

(beeping)

He's a natural.

Narrator:
After being lost
in the darkness for so long,

The team sees a ray of light.

(beep)

Why didn't you tell me
burt could do all this?

I didn't know.

Wait!
Burt!

Burt, you're the best pure
grocer I've ever seen.

Please join us.

We need you to
save our team.

Sorry, barney.

I don't do things
that make me look foolish.

Narrator:
After a brief investigation,

The supermarket channel
finds the reason

For burt's reluctance.

I knew it was only a matter
of time before this came out.

What did you find,
the pictures?

Yeah, I used to work
at howdy's.

I worked there
long before barney ever did.

It was simple--
hours were good,

Beer was easy to steal.

It was all gravy

Till free balloon day.

One kid let his balloon
slip away.

The string was hanging there,
just out of reach.

I couldn't stand
to see a kid lose something

He loved so much.

So I pulled a shopping cart over

And climbed on
so I could get it down.

The cart shifted.

(breath quivering)

The cart shifted.

This is dave davidson
reporting from howdy's market

On free balloon day.

But this day of inflated
expectations has ended

In tragedy
for one unlucky stock boy,

And pure joy for the rest of us
because it is...

(laughter)
it's hilarious.

Stop laughing at me.

(laughter)

Stop laughing at me!

(distant):
The cart shifted.

Stop laughing at me!
I'm stuck!

(laughter)

Back to you, stu.

The firemen had to use
the jaws of life to cut me out.

And it was then
I promised myself,

I would never be laughed at
in a grocery store again.

Never.

Narrator:
With little hope of victory,

Spirits were
at an all-time low.

Hey, frank.

You know the front door
of the store is locked?

I was supposed to unlock it.

Yet another job I suck at.

Frank, what's wrong?

And can I have that roast beef?

The russians.

They take your food,

They're gonna take
barney's trophy,

And they took my shelley.

You and shelley are a thing?

It's the age-old romantic story.

Boy wearing baby mask meets girl
wearing horse-head mask.

And then girl's
mask comes off,

And boy doesn't have the guts

To tell her
how he really feels about her.

We've all seen it
a million times.

Maybe she'd be happy
if she knew it was you.

Come on, burt.

The second most beautiful girl
in natesville

Doesn't want the third
hottest guy in natesville.

It doesn't work
that way, man.

If we won the grocery games,
maybe I'd have a shot with her.

Maybe your team will win.

Not a chance.

We're gonna lose,

And I'm gonna lose
the one thing I care about.

23. Tighten those butt
cheeks, sabriner. 24.

I quit.

Oh, my god!
Thank god.

Now I can finally
quit, too.

Oh, me, too. No offense, frank,
but I only did this

Because I didn't want
to seem lamer than you.

Burt:
Nobody's quitting.

Oh, crap.

I'm joining the team, and
we're gonna win this thing.

Oh. Thanks, burt.

I'm not doing it
for you, barney.

I'm doing it for love.

Oh, sweetie.

Not your love, virginia.

Frank's love.

Narrator:
Now that team u.S.A. Had
their ringer on board,

Captain barney hughes
devised a strategy for victory.

We have a competition to win,
and we're gonna do that

By having burt run
the whole relay by himself.

I'll run the first three legs,

But frank's pulling up the rear.

Me? No. I'm the
worst one we've got.

(whispering):
Look, shelley needs
to see you as a winner.

But the last leg
is the deli platter,

And I'm horrible
at the slicer.

Don't worry. I'll give you
such a huge lead,

You'll have time to win the race
and tell shelley you love her

Before the other team
is even finished.

Narrator:
What looked like
a grocery games disaster

When the american team
was disqualified

Is now set to be one
of the most exciting contests

To date.

(booing)

I'd hit that.

Let the games begin.

Narrator:
Both teams are playing
for love of their country.

But one participant is playing
for the country of love.

(gun chamber clicks, gunshot)

While sergei uses
the traditional technique

Of gathering all five carts,

Burt uses
a single-cart strategy

Never before seen
in competition.

(applause and cheering)

Can-stacking is usually
a tedious event

Where individual cans

Are removed from cases
and placed on a shelf.

They say that
by the last case,

Each can feels like
it weighs a thousand pounds.

What the hell
is he doing?

You told him he has to take the
cans out of the boxes, right?

I tried to,
but every time

I said the word
"cans," he giggled.
(giggles)

Narrator:
But while everyone thought

Burt was leaving the cans
in the box,

He was actually thinking
outside the box.

(woman gasps)

(applause and cheering)

After shattering
the world record

In the can-stacking
competition,

Burt is on his way
to bagging the championship.

As burt finishes the third leg
of the relay,

The russian team has barely
begun stacking cans.

Burt:
Go!
(applause)

Go! Go! Go!
Go, frank!

Oh, good lord!

Use the slicer, you wimp!

Narrator:
As frank meticulously moves
from salami to pressed ham,

His teammates offer words
of encouragement.

Barney:
That's enough ham,

Frank! Cut the cheese!

(giggles)

What's the matter, baby face?

You afraid of big,
bad deli-slicer, huh?

No.

(whirring)

Narrator:
Overcoming his fear,
marolla puts his heart

And his fingers on the line.

Marolla's
gonna slice!

Marolla's
gonna slice!
(gasps)

(whirring)

Yes!

Narrator:
Facing certain defeat,
maxim resorts

To an age-old
russian tactic-- cheating.

(sneezing)

(sneezing)

I knew I'd heard
that sneeze before.

(sneezing)

(sneezing)

Oh!
(gasps)

Hurry, frank.

He's right behind you!

(sneezing)

(audience groaning and gasping)

(yelling)

(laughter and
cheering)

(scattered applause)

Barney:
So close.

We were so close.

You're the baby-head?

Yeah.

I know you're
probably disappointed.

I was hoping if
we won, maybe...

You son of a bitch.

What's that for?

That's for not
video-chatting with me

When I took off my mask,
and for making me feel ugly.

Ugly?

You're beautiful.

I've always wanted
to ask you out.

I was just...

The thought of
it terrified me.

You're like a
deli-slicer with boobs.

That's the nicest thing
anyone's ever said to me.

(sighs)

You guys tried real hard,
and you showed a lot of heart,

But you managed to suck
just enough to lose.

(laughs)

(speaking russian)

Who do we appreciate?

All:
U.S.A.! U.S.A.! U.S.A.!

Yeah, well, you can take
your crummy cheer

And your stupid trophy and stick
'em where the sun don't shine.

Yeah, and then,
you can put 'em up your butts.

Narrator:
And with that,

Team u.S.A.
Celebrated like champions,

Because this is america,
home of the moral victory.

I know you and...
Ooh, tempting.

(both laugh)

Mmm.

Announcer: Coming up next
on the supermarket channel,

Tyler perry's
I ain't got no coupon.

Child:
Team u.S.A.!