Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 15 - Anniversary Ball - full transcript

Maybe my best dessert ever.

I call it Mount St. Millens.

See, the chocolate a
the strawberry sauce

is supposed to be the lava
after the big explosion.

I'm pretty sure people died
on Mount St. Helens.

Duh. What do you think the
screaming gummy bears are for?

This is a lot of work, Mom.

You should have saved some
of this for your anniversary.

Oh, yeah. Are you guys
gonna do anything big?

Nah, we're just going
to do what we always do--

give each other
homemade coupons.



Ooh.

That's it?

But you could do that any year.

Come on, this is
your twenty-fifth.

Yeah, don't you want to
do something special?

You know
we're not flashy people.

Okay, everybody stand back.

It's time for the humungous
dessert explosion!

Oh. Huh.

Must have put the firecracker

too close
to the gooey lava center.

Well, in that case,
let's dig in.

How is it, Jimmy?

Good. Thanks for asking.



Whoo!

♪ Here we go

So, what are we talking
about here?

Six to one?
12 to one?

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm... Mm-hmm!

Well, I wish I was looking
at better odds here.

Hey.

Who are you talking to?

Wrong number.

Plus, I was ordering a pizza
for next week.

You ready for bed?
Me, too.

Yawn!

Jimmy,

we got a problem.

Your father's gambling again.
What?

He was hiding in the hot tub,

and I heard him talking
on the phone about odds,

and when I asked him about it,
he over-explained.

He gave me the double excuse.

That doesn't mean he's gambling.

You want to bet?

Every time he's ever given me
the double excuse,

it was to cover up his gambling.

Oh, come on, just stay
within three points.

Just stay within three points!
Burt,

are you betting on sports again?

No.

The remote just fell
under the coach.

And... I'm trying out Islam.

No, not for me.

Too tough on the knees.

Burt, are you playing poker?

No. This is a friendly game
of Crazy Eights.

And... we're a book club.

Mixed Whiskey and Toy...

Run, Silver Charm! Run!

What are you doing?
Nothing.

Why do you have a racing form?

I took this from a kid
on the playground...

to stop him from gambling.

And... I thought
it was a Chinese food menu.

Uh, moo goo gai pain, por favor?

Hey.

Well, if he's gambling again,
we got to confront him.

No. He's just gonna
deny it twice.

We got to find someone really
smart to catch him in the act.

I could set a trap for him
at Howdy's.

Yeah, that's probably better.

We don't have time
to find someone really smart.

Price check on
"He just walked in."

It's a new romance novel.

It's about a guy
who just walked in.

Hey, Burt. Uh,
my lottery guy

accidentally gave me
some extra scratchers.

What do you say
I loan you a nickel,

and we rub off some dreams?

Oh, no, I gave up scratching
the silver squares, Barney.

Come on. I'll do it for you.

Oh, 25 bucks!

Ah, keep the streak

going, baby! Lady Luck's
your bitch right now!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, let's
not call her any names.

I might be facing
some long odds,

and I kind of need Lady
Luck on my side right now.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm just
so keyed up about your success.

Maybe we should, uh, go
to my office and calm me down.

Uh...

Well, what do we have here?

Who wants to play
a little B-I... G-O?

B-I...

G-O.

Oh, guys,
I'm too tired to... Aah.

I understand
where you're coming from.

I respect that.

I... 21.

Standard rules, boys.

No blackouts.
Got to pay to play.

I really don't want to play.

Hey, be cool. Be chill.

B... five.

Hey, I got that one!

I knew it. You're
gambling again!

What the hell?
What are you talking about?

They dragged me in here
for a game of bingo.

It's a gateway game.

Admit it. You have a problem.

Fine. I admit it.
I do have a problem.

I have a lump on my testicle.

Oh...

Oh-ho...

72.

O, 72.

Why didn't you call
the doctor right away?

I did call...
Dr. Tim's radio show.

Dr. Tim is a love
and relationship doctor.

Well, I don't know about you,

but I have a very loving
relationship with my testicles.

But...

your mother found me

before Dr. Tim could
tell me what to do.

I'm sure it's nothing.

I found a lump once.

Turned out to be no big deal.

Do you remember
what it felt like?

I'll never forget.

What do I need a doctor for?

I got Barney.

You're an expert.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Burt, I'm not a doctor.

It doesn't matter.

You remember
what yours felt like.

If mine feels the same,

I know I got nothing
to worry about.

I'm not qualified... and
you're definitely not Jewish.

You're a grocer whose hands are
trained to handle ripe fruit.

Come on, Barney. I'm desperate.

Okay. Um...

let me find some plastic gloves.

You used gloves
when you felt yours?

No, I did not.
Well, then you shouldn't use 'em with Burt.

It should be the same feeling.

Thank you for that, Frank.

Okay, um, uh, which one is it?

Uh, Starsky.
And which one's Starsky?

Obviously,
one on the driver's side.

For accuracy's sake,
you're probably gonna want

to be in the same position
you were in

when you felt your lump.

Why are you two here?

Because if we weren't,

you two would be doing
this totally wrong.

I think they're right, Barney.

Okay, um, let's...

Oh, this is definitely
bigger than mine.

No, don't-don't
worry about that.

I am taller than you...

No, the lump is
slightly larger than mine

and... rounder.

Mine was oblong.
Yeah.

Now, texture-wise...
Oh!

Ooh, don't press it like that!

You might dislodge it.

Then we'll never find it
in my body.

Burt, I don't think
that's the way the body works.

What do you know?
You're just a grocer.

Well, I wish
you would have had that attitude

before you asked me
to fondle your giblets.

Dad, you're going
to the doctor.

Fine. I hate those guys,
but it's the right thing to do.

Just don't tell your mother
about any of this.

I don't want
to ruin our anniversary.

While you're doing this, Barney,

you ever get any hemorrhoids?

When you said homemade coupons,

I didn't expect them to be
so elaborate and beautiful.

Let me see.

"Good for one toenail clipping."

Bet you never saw that
written in calligraphy before.

Shouldn't these be
for something romantic,

like sex or back rubs?

Coupons for sex?
What am I, a whore?

Good. You're back.

How'd it go?

Great. He's not gambling.

Well, if he's not gambling,

then, what took so long?

Freak sandstorm.

Plus, a family of ducks
were crossing the road.

What...?

Mm-hmm.

Either one of those

excuses alone would have
been perfectly good.

Mm-hmm.

But together,
I smell something fishy.

Oh, yeah. When Jimmy
uses a double excuse,

it means he's lying
about something.

I'm gonna find out
what's going on.

Good. You two are married now.

Lying and being deceitful

to get information out of him
is your job, not mine.

So, uh, you made that
appointment for the doctor yet?

Oh, yeah, I called, but, uh,

he's all booked up
for the next couple of weeks.

And he's on vacation
in Bermuda.

Interesting, because
I made you an appointment

for Friday afternoon.

You had no right
to make an appointment for me.

Obviously, I had to.

And why are you so afraid
of the doctor anyway?

'Cause doctors always
give you bad news.

Promise you'll go to
the doctor on Friday.

Okay, fine...
I'll go.

Hey.

What'd you hear?

Okay, so, it was a little hard
to hear over all the noise,

but I was able
to make out a few words.

Anniversary, jewels,

and something
about a dangling pair.

Oh, my God.

I'm getting diamond earrings
for my anniversary!

You're getting earrings!
They're diamond earrings!

I bet you they're not
just earrings, either.

I bet they're nanny earrings.

Nanny earrings? What nanny?

America's nanny:
Fran Dress-cher?

Burt must have heard me saying

how much I loved the
diamond-style earrings

she was selling on the
TV shopping channel.

Experts do actually say

that even though diamonds
may lose their value,

that diamond-style earrings
stay exactly the same

for all of eternity.

Man, Burt has really
upped the ante on this one.

How am I supposed
to give him a coupon

to clip his toenails after
he's just given me jewelry

created by the world's
top diamond scientists.

Well, what is something
that Burt has always wanted?

To be on Circus of the Stars.
Is that show still on?

No. Now, if you
want to see stars,

you have to watch
'em dance, dive

or go to rehab
with Dr. Drew.

You know what?

I think I have a better idea.

Frank, call the number!

You really want
to keep playing?

Yes.
I'm used to hearing this

more than saying it,

but this is getting
very uncomfortable for me.

You may have won all my money,

my grandmother's lucky keychain
and my burial plot,

but my luck is about to change.

Call the ball!

I-18.

Bingo.

No! Impossible.

One more game.

You haven't got
anything left that I want.

I bet there's one thing.

I'm the new manager!

Everyone's gonna get laid!

I mean, sale on eggs.

Whew, I gotta say, Virginia...

a long, bumpy blindfolded
drive around town?

You really nailed
this anniversary gift.

But I'm glad we're home.

No, Burt.

We are at...

a dude ranch!

Happy anniversary!

Now you get
to finally be a cowboy.

W... wow.

Thanks, honey.

Cowboys and cowgirls,

welcome to the Bar None Ranch

and simulated
Western experience.

Now here's your wagon master,

the fastest gun north
of the Mississippi:

Colt Palomino.

Whoa.

Howdy.

Welcome to the Bar None.

I'm Colt Palomino.

Let's get you city slickers

into some authentic
Western wear

so you can have a real
frontier experience,

right after...

you sign these...

rootin' tootin'
disclaimer forms.

There, there, and there.

Yee-haw!

Oops, uh...
initial there.

Yee-haw!

Let's do some dangerous crap.

Sabrina!

Huh?
Uh, can you cover me

for about an hour?

I gotta go do something
with my dad.

Where are you going, anyway?

Ice-skating.

And giving myself a haircut.
Really?

Don't double excuse me.

What's going on?

My dad doesn't want
my mom to worry

on their anniversary,

but he found a lump

on one of his family jewels

and he's supposed
to go to the doctor

this afternoon.

He's not going.

Your mom took him
to some dude ranch.

I gotta go pick him up!

No! You can't just
leave me here.

Frank's gone crazy with power.

Wheel me to my condiment aisle.

I need to see if my mustards
will pass muster.

As you wish.

While Mom was hoping to
have the time of their lives,

Dad's ball lump had him hoping

there was still time
left in his life.

Perfect.

Okay... one, two, three:

pork and beans.

Pork and beans!

Here's your souvenir photo.

Here.
Oh, an instant photo.

Oh, this is like getting
in a time machine

and going all the way
back to 1983.

Well, thanks for everything.

We'll tell our friends.

Whoa, there, partner.
What's your hurry?

You got a rattlesnake
in your boot?

We got a whole lot more
cowboying to do.

Yeah.
It's our anniversary,

so I got us the Big
Buckaroo package.

That's right.
A full day of

ranch-workin', cow-pokin',

hat-wearin', spur-janglin'
cowboy work,

culminating with you birthing

a realistic-lookin' calf
from a real cow.

A full day, huh?

All right, What's next?

First thing you gotta learn

before you go out on the range

is how to handle...

Holy hell!

Where'd you learn
to shoot like that?

Blasting weeds, mi amigo.

What's next?

Okay, what's next?

Whoo-hoo, I did it!

98th time's a charm, huh?

What an anniversary.

Thank you, Virginia.

Thank you, Colt.

Yippie-ki-yay.
Uh, happy trails.

Hi-ho, Silver!
Bonjour.

Hold your horses, partner.

The day ain't over.
Yeah, Burt.

What's your hurry?

We still haven't
done the best part...

the trail ride.

Yeah, you finished
the chores so quickly,

we got an extra hour to ride all
the way to Ball Buster Canyon.

Ooh...

Name sounds nicer in Navajo.

I would love to do
that with you, Colt,

but we really gotta leave.
Hey, Burt,

what is going on?

I planned this whole day

for our anniversary

and it seems like
you're not into it at all.

Where else do we need to be?

Well, I left a popsicle out.

I forgot to set the VCR
to record Columbo.

Stop it. You've been
in a hurry all day

and we're here in the most
romantic spot on Earth:

the Bar None Dude Ranch.

Much obliged, little lady.

Virginia, I can't explain why.

You just have to trust me.

We gotta leave right now.

Okay.

Nobody's going anywhere.

Aw, balls!

You stabbed our truck!

Yeah...

because I've been working
real hard on the finale.

I poured my heart
into the campfire song

and no one ever stays
to listen to it.

Can you imagine anything worse?

Yeah, I can.

I got a lump in my testicle.

Touché.
What?!

Starsky or Hutch?
I'm afraid it's Starsky.

Oh, my God, he's my favorite.

Yeah.
Are you gonna be all right?

You should really see a doctor.

Well, I was trying to.

Then you stabbed our truck!

I got a doctor's
appointment in 20 minutes.

I didn't want to worry you

or ruin our anniversary.

Well, let's just call Jimmy

and have him pick us up.

Well, there's no
cell reception up here.

That's why we call it
the Bar None.

But don't you fret, ma'am.

We'll ride you into town

and we'll make
that doctor's appointment

with time to spare.

I am not getting on a horse
named Wrecking Ball.

There's always Nut Cracker,

but she's a little feisty.

Don't worry, Burt.

We'll get you there.

Hang on there, honey!

Now I know why they call it
dead-man style.

'Cause you wish you were dead.

I had to ride that way
for an entire day

on an episode of Bonanza.

You're an actor?

Yes, ma'am.

Started when I was nine,

on an episode of Bonanza.

What else were you in?

Did I mention I was on
an episode of Bonanza?

I was nine.

Been a bit of a dry
spell since then.

But I just got new headshots.

Give it up, Barney.

I already won
everything you own.

Not everything.

You don't have my soul.

Hmm.

I've always wanted
to have two souls.

Okay, you're on.

Aha!

I knew it!

Oh, all right, fine.

I'm wearing
a magnetized bracelet.

But I did this for you.

What?!

I know you've got
a gambling problem.

I figured if I kept
you from winning,

you wouldn't start again.

The only thing is,

turns out I've got
a cheating problem.

I love it.

Ow!

Burt, you were smart
not to ride this way.

I don't even have testicles
and this is no picnic.

Neither is this.

Did you know horses poop
while they walk?

Oh...

We got company.

Aw, don't worry.

The Indians around
here are friendly.

Mr. Patel,

thanks for the vindaloo.

It's hard to get those
cumin levels just right,

but you nailed it.

Swadisht.

Ah, told you I'd get you here.

Okay, we're just in time
for the appointment.

Let's get inside.

You know what, I don't
think I need to go in.

The horse fixed my lump.

And I just made the whole
thing up to get attention.

No more double excuses

and no chickening out.

Come on, let's get inside.

Colt Palomino saves the day.

You take your time.

I'm going to mosey
across the street

and get some water
for the horses

and a double soy
half-caf macchiato

with a touch of cinnamon for me.

Come on, boys.

This has to be the place.

It's kind of
giving me the creeps.

Me, too.

Doesn't even seem like

anybody's here.

Hello?

Cowboys and cowgirls...

...welcome to
the Bar None Ranch...

What the hell is this place?

Now here's your wagon master...
Jimmy...

They murdered
your parents' tire.

...north of the Mississippi:
We gotta get out of here.

Colt Palomino!
Come on!

While we thought
we about to die,

my parents found out
that Starsky's lump

was just a fatty deposit.

To celebrate that Dad's
Big Buckaroo package was fine,

they let Colt put
the finishing touches on his.

♪ Some day

♪ When I'm a TV cowboy

♪ In the Hollywood Hills

♪ I'll sleep under
the star...lets ♪

♪ And take lots of pills

♪ I'll wear alligator boots
and designer jeans ♪

♪ Lasso through the roof
of my limousine ♪

♪ I'll be the grandest cowboy
on the silver screen ♪

♪ Yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay

I'm glad Starsky's okay.

I wonder how he got
that fatty deposit.

I blame Hutch,
he's always been jealous.

I wish you would've
told me sooner.

I hope I didn't ruin
our anniversary.

Of course not.

Just knowing you're okay,

that's the greatest
gift I could get.

♪ I'll find a special lady

♪ And at night we'll ride

♪ The only gun shootin' blanks

♪ will be at my side ♪

♪ well, she'll be my Dale
and I'll be her Roy ♪

♪ we'll ride together on
the trail to eternal joy ♪

♪ 'cause you have sex
with a partner ♪

♪ when you're a TV cowboy ♪

♪ yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay... ♪

Yee-haw!

Thank you.

A cowhand told me
you wanted this.

I thought Sabrina told you.

It's cowboy-speak.
Oh, right.

Howdy, pilgrim.

I like beans.

Yeah.

Oh, my god!
Mm-hmm.

It's the Fran
Dress-cher earrings.

The way the fire
reflects off them,

they almost look
like real diamonds.

Happy anniversary.

Happy anniversary.

♪ Well, she'll be my Dale
and I'll be her Roy ♪

♪ we'll ride together
on the trail ♪

♪ to eternal joy ♪

♪ 'cause you're never lonely ♪

♪ when you're a TV cowboy ♪

♪ yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay ♪

♪ yippie-ki-yippie-ki-
yippie-ki-yo-ki-yay. ♪