Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 6 - Adoption - full transcript

Aw, look.

I bet Grandma and Grandpa have a fun day planned for you.

No, we don't. We can't watch Hope.

In fact, you need to watch Maw Maw for us.

Your mother and I are competing

in the Natesville Wife Carrying Competition.

Big Joe and his dwarf wife got divorced.

So we really have a shot this year.

Come on, guys. No fair.

I watched Maw Maw for you last weekend.

Over the years, my parents had developed a little strategy



to get what they wanted.

They called it

"Bad Cop, Sad Cop."

You turn off our gas,

I'll have you busted down to pumping gas.

You can't turn off our gas.

This rotisserie chicken is barely cooked.

If we eat this, we'll die!

If you don't let us in, I'll have you busted down

from checking credentials to checking urinal cakes.

The Last Wish Foundation said there'd be tickets for us.

I will have you busted down

from meter maid to regular maid.

And trust me, that is a picnic without a blanket.



We're barely 62 minutes late.

Please, I lost my job. My dog died.

My best friend didn't make it back from the war...

on obesity.

I'm not gonna tow your car.

The only thing I regret is not being able to take back that ticket.

If you don't watch Maw Maw,

I will bust you down to stepchild.

And if you think you had it bad before,

you ain't seen nothing yet.

You just spit on the coffee table.

Jimmy, please?

Business is slow.

I have no retirement savings.

My son's a disappointment.

Well, yes, of course.

I'll-I'll watch Maw Maw for you.

Great.

We'll be out late.

We totally could've been cops.

We'd clean this city up.

Hello, Chances.

Thank you for meeting us at the house, Wally.

Not a problem.

The old voodoo woman who whitens my teeth lives around the corner.

It's part of my makeover.

How old do you think I look? Whoa, whoa!

There's no wrong answer.

- 72. - Wrong answer.

Why are you trying to euthanize yourself?

I've got a big case

and the prosecutor has hired two young "LILFs"

to sway the jury.

"Lawyers I'd Like to Frolic with."

Come on, guys. It's self-explanatory.

Makes sense to me.

Like we knew O.J. was guilty

because Marcia Clark was so hot.

I'm not familiar with that case.

But enough small talk.

I have to get to my eyebrow wax in 15 minutes.

What did you guys do now?

We didn't do anything.

Actually, this time, it's me.

Oh, you are gonna have so much fun at the aquarium.

All right.

And I'll be right here when you get back, okay?

Oh, uh, Mrs. Chance, I'm sorry.

I can't let Hope on the bus.

Her permission slip needs to be signed by a legal guardian.

Oh, well, I'm married to her father, so...

No, I'm sorry.

It's for the kids' safety.

Really.

Says the person

who hired the psycho with the face piercings

and the teardrop tattoo to drive the bus?

That "Psycho" is my husband.

And the teardrop is a tribute to the lost children of Sudan.

So, I would like to officially adopt Hope.

I see.

Well, as much as I would like to handle that...

it's expensive.

And these two still owe me

from when they sued the blue jean company

over the "Button-fly."

Seriously, guys?

I'm a busy man

and those people have stolen minutes from my life.

I-I'm sure that they intend to pay you back... right?

Have you heard of something called "Burt Bucks"?

Yes.

I'm the one that got you off the counterfeiting charge.

You didn't pay me for that either.

Well, sorry, Sabrina.

I guess you'll never be Hope's real mom.

We tried.

Wait, I'm starting to think

that one hot, young stud might not be enough

to win this case.

So, I'll do the adoption,

if you two sit at my table as extra eye candy.

It would be so fun to pretend to be lawyers.

I could be just like the one

Ally McBeal played on that show.

I could be like that cool army guy on JAG.

I've always wanted an excuse to wear white pants.

We'll do it.

With you two lookers,

I won't need this anymore.

Now...

if one of you wouldn't mind helping me...

pull off this tape.

With Wally on board, we could finally

make the adoption official.

How about a little more teeth?

Perfect.

Cool, we get an official picture.

Next.

That's us.

Here you go.

Okay, bye.

I... I thought you were gonna

swear us in.

This isn't an inauguration.

We'll just get to the picture then.

This camera's only for official business.

No, I just officially adopted this little girl, so...

For official hunting licenses.

Squab season starts tomorrow.

Great, then we'll take one family hunting license, please.

Are you going to go squab hunting?

Yes, you know what? Yes.

Here, come on.

My family and I would like

one license to kill whatever a squab is.

I don't issue licenses to non-hunters.

It cheapens it.

Come on, honestly.

How hard is it really to just, like,

click your little button and take a picture

of me and my family?

You know, I-I got a camera on my phone.

We could just take a picture outside.

They got a-a nice rosebush, and that-that statue

of that blind woman holding weights.

It just...

Oh, someone's adopting a puppy.

I've got to get a picture of this.

Oh, come on!

Really?

This Polish gentlemen said,

"I didn't know it was a penis."

Hold for laughter.

Salute jury.

I saw this lawyer at a trial in Florida

open with a knock-knock joke.

Trust me.

It killed.

How about when you say, "He's not guilty,"

I'll try to get the whole courtroom to say,

"How not guilty is he?"

No, no, no, no. You-you say nothing.

But we stayed up all night watching Matlock.

Burt does a great Southern lawyer.

My name is Brown.

And I am against this board of education.

I admire your commitment.

But I also know how difficult it is

for you to button your fly.

Therefore,

you-you stay quiet.

My God.

She's got one good-looking posse.

All right, just like we practiced.

- Counselor. - Counselor.

Okay.

Game on.

Wow, that took a lot out of me.

Being a lawyer's a lot harder than I thought.

Now I know why they charge by the hour.

That was only, like, 30 seconds.

I'm exhausted.

So, I'd been in labor for four hours

and it's pouring rain outside.

But right then when my Skylar was born,

a ray of light came through the window.

I know exactly what you're talking about.

What was it like when you first saw Hope?

It was really...

magical.

Giving birth to Hope was

probably the best thing I ever did with my life.

Really I was just lucky

that Jimmy was there to help me push it out of my body.

You guys took baby classes?

Yeah, we took, uh, two years.

Jimmy and I were very,

very serious about baby birth.

First, she seemed upset that the adoption

was just a rubber stamp.

Then, next thing I know,

she's saying she breast-fed Hope

two gallons of milk a day.

Now, I am no expert.

But this seems like a lot for a 95-pound woman.

Maybe Sabrina feels like she missed out

on the whole "Having a baby" Part of motherhood.

Yeah.

To us, giving birth just seems like

a painful, disgusting,

cruel joke of biology.

But to women, it's their Super Bowl.

When my non-birth mother was feeling the way Sabrina is,

my other mother got the ladies from her rugby team together

and they threw her a rebirthing ceremony.

Where do you go for that?

Well, my moms went to a bar

in Vermont called Saloon B. Anthony.

But you could do it yourself.

How am I supposed to do a rebirthing?

I've never even seen an actual birth.

Hope was born in a jail.

Frank and I could help you.

Oh, yeah, totally.

Rebirthing ceremonies are simple.

Sometimes insomnia can drive a man

to the deep dark corners of the Internet.

That is when the Polish man said,

"I didn't know it was a penis."

She stole my joke!

My entire opening argument

was built on that joke!

...the only thing that you'll come to realize...

is...

that man,

Bobby Bowman,

is a moped thief.

And I will prove that to you

beyond a shadow of a doubt.

Mr. Phipps, your opening statement?

I have an even better opening joke.

But before I tell it,

have any of you ever been molested by a clown?

I've got nothing.

You can do this.

Remember, you don't have to be that good

because we're that beautiful.

Ladies and gentlemen of the jury,

me and my...

noticeably handsome colleagues

have over 1,000 years of law school between the three of us.

I dare you to not be

both intellectually

and physically aroused.

Nothing more, Your Honor...

...because all I see are stars.

How not guilty is he?

Don't worry, I'm not gonna die.

I have it on the authority of a very reputable fortune teller

that I would live to be...

Wait, how old am I?

Well, at least our careers as pretend lawyers

are ending without us ever losing a case.

I'm really gonna miss these glasses.

They make me feel so smart.

Wait, you guys cannot go.

I can't afford another lawyer.

We really want to help, but...

we're not the kind of lawyers you think we are.

Okay, so what's your specialty?

Cases with special victims,

criminals with intent.

You know, ripped from the headlines kind of stuff.

Okay, look, I'm innocent.

All right, you guys are my only hope.

This is serious.

He needs us.

I know, but we can't do this.

We're in way over our heads.

You know who else was in over her head?

Reese Witherspoon in Legally Blonde,

and she never gave up.

Neither did the dog lawyer in Chihuahua Attorney:

Justice Bites.

And if that dog can win a case against the Supreme Court,

we can do this.

Your Highness,

we'd like to continue on without Mr. Phipps.

Just be prepared to keep us on a short leash,

but ultimately, you'll see where we're going

with this and allow it.

Just a few more steps.

Ooh, please be a tetherball, please be a tetherball.

Everything about this scares me.

Jimmy, what the hell is going on?

It's a rebirthing ceremony.

Surprise!

We're going to simulate childbirth

so you can feel like a real mom.

Welcome to your Super Bowl.

Jimmy, why would you do this?

Because you seemed so upset at City Hall

when they didn't make a big deal out of the adoption.

I thought that, you know, you wanted more

of a motherhood moment.

No, I-I just was upset about the bureaucracy of it.

Like, why should a squab killer get a photo and we don't?

Why did you lie to the mothers of Skylar and Skylar?

I mean, I heard you telling them

that you gave birth to Hope.

- Oh, you heard that? - Yeah.

The other moms were talking about their baby stories,

and I just didn't feel like getting

into the whole thing about Hope.

It's not a big deal, it's just...

Sometimes I lie when it's easier than telling the truth.

Look, I'm all right if we don't do this,

but there was another person helping.

She's been practicing all day.

What the heck?

All right, fine.

Then let's get to it because...

...your water just broke.

Mr. Lennox, would you point to the man

you saw steal your moped?

Bend down and tie your shoe.

I'm pretty sure he'd just point lower.

Let the record show that Mr. Lennox

pointed to the defendant.

That didn't work.

Do that "Withdrawn" trick they do on Law and Order.

Yeah, yeah.

Mr. Lennox,

is it true that you decapitate puppies as a hobby?

Withdrawn.

Weren't you a member of the Taliban?

Withdrawn.

A pedophile? Withdrawn.

A thief? Withdrawn.

Defecated in an avocado field?

Withdrawn.

Mr. Chance, enough of this.

Damn Law and Order

ruined an entire generation of lawyers.

I'm calling a recess.

Ooh, recess.

Maybe it would be good for us to go outside

and run around for about ten minutes.

Okay, contractions are starting.

You gonna go natural or you want some drugs?

Wait, do you actually have drugs?

There's no time for drugs!

This baby's coming!

Brace yourselves.

Breathe, Sabrina.

Come on, baby, you can do it.

This is actually kind of exciting, Jimmy.

Yeah, your breathing is great.

Now, pick a focal point and stare at it.

Yeah, I read a book.

I'm really glad we didn't take those drugs.

I feel like it's really important

for me to be present through this.

When this is over, I call dibs on the faux-gina.

I want to do more of these for deserving barren couples.

Okay, here we go.

- We are having a baby! - I know!

But soon, right?

'Cause I feel like she's been in that tube for a while.

Mommy, I'm stuck!

What?

Wait, how can she be stuck?

In the spirit of realism,

someone may have stuffed the tube with spaghetti.

What? Why would you do something like that?

Before we start Monday morning quarterbacking,

just remember we threw this together in an afternoon.

Hope, hang on.

Daddy's coming.

And so I looked out the window,

and that's when I saw him steal my moped.

And when was the last time that window was cleaned?

The window was open.

That's very convenient.

Let the record show

that that was very convenient.

We're screwed. We've tried every legal maneuver

we've ever seen on Law and Order, Boston Legal,

even that episode of Facts of Life

where Tootie got racially profiled.

That guy is totally lying.

I don't know whether to scream or cry.

That's it.

You're a liar, Lennox,

and I am gonna

bust you down from star witness to loser

who rents the movie Witness.

How can you send an innocent man to jail?

He has a slight frame

and delicate features,

and that's great for an underwear model,

but it is horrible for a prisoner.

Wait a minute.

It's been driving me crazy.

I knew I recognized you guys from somewhere.

I saw you work this routine on a meter maid.

I will have you busted down from meter maid

to regular maid, and trust me,

that is a picnic without a blanket.

Oh, crap, this isn't gonna work.

He knows about "Bad cop, sad cop."

What's taking so long?

Oh, it's really slippery.

Oh, here, maybe if I try to...

Ah, I can't breathe!

I can't breathe!

The cord is wrapped around his neck!

We got to get him out of there right away!

Sabrina, push, push with all your might!

You can do it! Harder!

God, I can't believe you idiots thought this would work!

Sabrina, sometimes I think you forget I'm your boss.

Mama, help us.

I have to do something.

It's okay, it's okay.

You're okay; Mommy's got you.

It's a boy!

So, if you'll agree

to dismiss all these tickets,

we can definitely get our client to plead guilty.

Traditionally, plea deals do not help the defendant's lawyers

avoid paying parking fines.

I got it!

We reject the deal.

I offered no deal.

Janice, get it on the record

that I did not offer anyone a deal.

According to your previous testimony,

when exactly did you see my client

stealing your moped on Pine Street?

May 19th, 5:00 p.m.

And is it also your testimony

that you saw my esteemed lawyer husband and myself,

also an esteemed attorney at law,

getting a ticket on Elmwood Avenue?

- Yes. - Would you mind reading

what's printed on this ticket for me?

"May 19, 5:00 p.M."

Ladies and gentlemen...

...how could one man

be in two different places, ten miles apart from each other,

at the exact same time?

Is it because,

I don't know, he has a time machine?

Or is it because he is a liar?

Fine!

I admit it.

I lied.

I didn't see him steal my moped.

I just said it because

that son of a bitch slept with my girlfriend.

Case dismissed.

I'm supposed to say that.

Oh, you're crying.

I thought this wasn't that big of a deal for you.

I lied.

Sometimes I lie when it's easier than telling the truth.

I'm-I'm sorry if-if I went a little overboard.

I'm not.

Neither of us was there

the first time Hope was born, and...

in a really weird way,

I feel like it was good for all of us.

'Cause we did it together.

Like a real family.

So this was good idea?

No, it was a horrible idea.

But it worked.

And you are the sweetest man in the world for doing it.

Hope's rebirth gave us something

that we both needed.

The experience of doing something together

that neither of us had done before.

And we weren't the only ones.

What do you think we should do with these now?

I guess we get rid of them.

We're probably not gonna pretend to be lawyers again.

They just made me feel so smart.

Hey, it wasn't just the glasses.

You were amazing.

You outsmarted professional lawyers.

You kept an innocent man from going to jail.

It wasn't just me.

If you hadn't thought of doing "Bad cop, sad cop,"

then Aaron would've never blown his alibi.

You know, I bet we could've been lawyers,

if we'd done things differently.

Like go to law school and college

and finished high school.

That sounds like a lot of effort.

And those suspenders chafed.

Yeah, and all that posing...

My lips hurt.

I think I over-pouted.

Yeah, I'm happy to retire having never lost a case.

Yeah, me, too.

But I think I'll wait till morning to throw these out.

Good idea.

Maybe if we sleep in 'em,

we'll have smart dreams.