Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 5 - Extreme Howdy's Makeover - full transcript

Okay, they are home.

Now, everybody hide and wait
for my cue to say "surprise!"

- Surprise!
- Not now.

Well, somebody said
surprise. That was my cue.

They're supposed to come in the door first.

Then you say surprise. Just... just hide.

My cardiologist said

no more of these parties,

but I just love them so much.

Maybe just a smidge of
nitro to take the edge off.

My parents threw me a surprise party once.



They said, "surprise!

We're not your parents."

Ooh, hey, Sabrina.

These are cool. Where'd you get them?

Oh, uh, Jimmy designed them.

Not to call you a liar,

but I've seen T-shirts before.

Everybody quiet!

They're walking up the porch.

Ooh, okay!

I can't wait to see
the look on their faces.

They are gonna be blown away.

What is with your family
and surprise parties?

They're awesome.



It's like a prank, followed by a party

where one person is in a state of shock

while everyone else enjoys cake.

Trust me, this is gonna be

- my parents' best anniversary ever.
- Yeah.

But your parents' anniversary
isn't for three months.

That's why they'll never see it coming.

Look, I've never been able to pull off

a surprise party on them before.

But this year, I got 'em.

But shocking people
isn't fun, it's just mean.

Imagine you are a little girl who's afraid

of using the school bathroom,

and then you finally arrive

at your surprise ninth birthday party.

And you're so startled that you unclench.

And you have an accident

all over your mother's
brand-new polar bear rug.

They should be here by now.

Hello?

Where did... ?

Surprise!

Happy Birthday, Jimmy.

Surprise party switcheroo.

My birthday isn't for eight months.

Exactly.

Ah... I'm just gonna...

Hey, where you going, Sabrina?

- Don't be a party pooper.
- Too late.

It's my ninth birthday all over again.

I get it... ice scream?

Yeah, kind of a thinker.

No, that's "the thinker."

Wake up!

Cock-a-doodle-doo.

Ohayou-gozaimasu, Mr. Morikawa.

Time to check out.

Why is there a man in my deli case?

Actually it's my deli case,
and for another five minutes

it is a Japanese commuter hotel.

Okay, okay. Nobody panic.

I'm going to call headquarters.

Maxine Jackson speaking.

Oh, sorry, wrong number.

I'm sure you're very confused.

But please join me in our media center

where it will all be explained
in your orientation video.

Congratulations!

Your business has just been purchased

by Max Jax Industries!

And what do we do to profits?

Maxinemize!

What do we do to profits?

Maxinemize! Maxinemize!

I think this is a cult.

Cults love prophets.

False prophets.

I think she's kind of inspirational.

"Maxinemize" isn't just a word I made up.

"Maxinemize!"

It's a word I made up

and a philosophy I made up.

Maxinemize!

She bought a fantastic aquarium,

installed a kitchen,

and at night it became...

The Sushiquarium.

And by taking a simple candle shop,

then adding a late-night waxing salon,

she doubled the profits of...

Wax On, Wax Off.

She built an indoor children's play center

that by day was filled with happy kids,

and by night was leased to
a biohazard research company.

And now...

Germboree is only weeks away

from a vaccine for pinkeye.

Sometimes I think,

"what will I think of next?"

And then I think of it.

What will Max Jax Industries

do for your business?

Any questions?

You can't do all these
things in a grocery store.

It's unsanitary.

That's why I need you people.

You all are the grocery experts.

And together, as a team,

we can re-brand Howdy's.

Yes, enlightened leader.

We will follow your every word.

Do you ever think of getting a real grill?

Are you kidding?

There's years of flavor
on this shopping cart.

How do you think we get that
chicken taste in our burgers?

Hey, you guys got to see what Jimmy did.

It's a cowboy hippo standing

on top of Howdy's.

Yeah, and he's lassoing savings.

It's a logo idea I made to
show the new owner of Howdy's.

Yeah, she asked us to brainstorm.

And I think she's gonna be so blown away.

No way. Bad idea.

Terrible, terrible, terrible, bad idea.

Why would you want to
draw attention to yourself?

It's like being the loudest turkey

on the day before Thanksgiving.

But Jimmy's very talented.

And I just think a little
extra effort like this

might help launch his art career.

You know what happens when you do extra?

Your client is like, "hey,
why'd you put fish in my pool?"

And you're like, "because I thought

it made it like the ocean."

And they're like,

"fish can't breathe chlorinated water.

You're fired, fish killer."

That actually happened to someone I know.

- He makes a lot of sense.
- No, he doesn't.

You can't live your life
without taking risks.

Sometimes you just got to jump
in and marry the grocery bagger

with the serial killer's baby.

That happened to somebody I know.

That's all good and well, Sabrina,

but you don't understand.

People who grow up rich
can afford to make mistakes.

We can't.

Trust me, when you're a
chance, you only get one chance.

That's why our name is
"chance" and not "chances."

Yeah, I understand.

I just want to get the
white one with the most...

I think Maxine hates me.

She won't even make eye contact.

Relax, Barney, this place
couldn't run without you.

I am ready.

Wow me to the Max.

No idea is a bad idea.

I was gonna say I had no idea.

Then you said no idea is a bad idea.

Now I don't know where I stand.

Yes.

Hey, what if we did an art show

with local artists?

We could feature our own Jimmy chance.

Art show, hmm...

Grocery gallery... You know what?

I like that.

As long as the artist

is top notch.

- All right.
- Top notch?

My art is barely middle notch.

Jimmy, you are an amazing artist.

And it's time that everyone
else saw what I already know.

Besides, what's the worst that can happen?

M... maybe we could turn this place

into a stand-up comedy club.

You know, I... I happen to do a kind

of a funny impression of Barney Fife.

Now, Andy!

The first sign of produce going bad,

you've got to nip it!

Nip it in the bud.

You're fired.

Wait...

Well, now wait just one
cotton-picking minute!

Hey! How's it going?

It's tough.

I haven't found that thing.

You know, that muse thing.

What about me?

- I can be your muse.
- Okay.

Cards on the table.

I'm not entirely clear
on what a muse is or does.

I...

Hi, just dropped by

to see how our little
Andy Narwhal is doing.

Yeah, I'm doing great.

I just have to put everything

I got into these paintings.

I know you will, it's really...

What... ?

Mm-hmm, mmm, good.

Glad to see it.

What the hell is going on?

That's what we'd like to know.

Why are you encouraging Jimmy

to stick his neck out?

You want him to end up like Barney?

Wait, you saw Barney?

Yeah.

How's he doing?

He's hitting the sauce pretty hard.

Come on, Barney.

I'm sure there are lots of other
grocery jobs out there for you.

No, Virginia.

Like most of the products
on Howdy's shelves,

I'm way past my expiration date.

So maybe it's time to move
out of the grocery business.

You must have other talents.

Oh, sure.

I put myself through VCR repair school

by installing pay phones.

I guess I could reach out

to my MySpace contacts.

Or ask my Uncle about working
in his typewriter factory.

Having an art show is
not gonna get Jimmy fired.

This isn't just about Jimmy getting fired.

It's much bigger than that.

This is about destroying Jimmy's dream.

- What?
- Jimmy used to have a lot of dreams.

Unfortunately our son
is a wonderful dreamer...

but a terrible achiever.

The first thing on Jimmy's list

was policeman.

Hey, stop picking on him.

Yeah, pick on him.

Or when Jimmy saw that sitcom
about the funny comedian

and decided he wanted
to be a stand-up comic.

We told him, "why not?"

What's the deal with chicken-fried steak?

Is it chicken or is it steak?

What's the deal with you sucking?

And when Jimmy dreamt of
being a fashion designer,

we encouraged him

to try making his own pants for school.

And after the disappearing pants,

he decided that he'd never show his face

at school again.

Which crushed all our dreams.

Being an artist is the
last dream Jimmy has.

What do you think's gonna happen

when nobody likes his art?

You guys, people are gonna
really like Jimmy's work.

He's very talented.

Ah, hey, guys!

I think I figured out what I'm gonna paint.

People have seen happy
clowns and sad clowns,

but they have never seen hungry clowns.

That's a great idea, honey.

You get to that.

Yeah.

Okay, so...

while you try to get
this art show canceled,

we're gonna dig up some dirt on Maxine

in case we need to blackmail her.

Let's just slow down a little bit.

Can we just at least give Jimmy a chance?

You can support Jimmy reaching
his dream all you want.

But Burt and I are never gonna
let him do that without a net.

We made that mistake once.

When his dream was to be a trapeze artist.

Maxine, you're a beautiful,

strong, intelligent woman.

But before anyone else can love you,

you need to love you.

Hey.

Namaste.

Namaste...

What the hell was that?

I spent years in psychotherapy

without much progress.

So I decided to start treating myself.

And the results have been outstanding.

Plus, I get to bill my
insurance company $75 an hour,

which certainly takes the sting
out of some of the harsh truths

I have to tell myself.

Now, what can I do for you?

Why did you fire Barney?
That was not part of the plan.

Look, and now Burt and
Virginia are freaking out

and they're looking for dirt on you.

And if they find out that you're my aunt,

everything is gonna be ruined.

Everything's gonna be ruined for you.

I will still be a very
successful businesswoman

with mild dissociative identity disorder.

Hey, did you get Maxine
to cancel the art show yet?

No, not yet, but...

We figured. Don't worry. We came prepared.

I'm gonna do a slip-and-fall
and start screaming.

When Maxine comes out of her office,

Burt's gonna run in there

and find something good for blackmail.

Unless she's screaming
the word "Dr. Bartle's."

That's the code word
for me to call a doctor

and bring her a wine cooler.

Sounds great.

I mean, the quicker we fix this the better.

'Cause now she's got me putting together

some ridiculous grandmother/
granddaughter pageant.

- What?
- Yeah, as part

of this whole "maxinemizing" thing,

we're putting on a
grandmother/granddaughter pageant

you're kidding me.

I've always wanted to be a part

grandmother/granddaughter pageant.

Really? I did not know that.

Come on, Virginia, focus. We're trying

to protect our son, so the
last dream he has doesn't die.

He's not the only one with dreams, Burt.

Hope's always wanted to
be in a pageant with me.

I can see it in her eyes.

I would be a heartless,
unfeeling grandmother

if I didn't pull her out
of preschool right now

and start working on our routine.

What's wrong?

I don't know if I have it
in me to be a great artist.

Look, you've been working too hard, okay?

Why don't you take a break?

I got Chinese food, hmm?

Have a fortune cookie.

Yeah.

"Do what you do best.

If you're good at sketching
hippos, sketch hippos.

Everyone loves...

Hippos doing people
things, like driving a jeep

or going to the beach."

Never had a double-sider before.

Jimmy, I... I think that that
fortune could be a real sign.

You're right.

I did sketch hippos.

And they were doing people things.

Maybe I should do that for the show.

I should be doing my drawings.

Jimmy, this is an incredible idea

that you just came up with all by yourself.

Next, I will sing my ABCs.

But it's a little dry up here,

so first, let me just wet my whistle.

A-b-c-d-e-f-g

h-i-j-k

l-m-n-o-p...

Maw maw, I already told you,

I'm doing the pageant with Hope.

I'm being replaced with a younger model?

Now I know how my old hip felt.

I saw your lips move.

Hey, Barney.

So you're kind of living here now.

The buses keep coming, Burt.

And every time, I don't know
whether I should step on it

or step in front of it.

That's interesting.

So, listen, I'm thinking
about blackmailing Maxine.

I could really use somebody
who knows the layout of Howdy's.

Burt, blackmail is against
everything I believe in.

But chocolate sauce has
a way of changing a man.

Let's do this.

Trust me, this will work.

Hey, look, I think I got it.

There must be four kinds
of antifungal cream in here.

Let me see.

Here.

See it?

It's right here.

Next up, Virginia and hope chance.

Who call themselves "Dumb and Dummy."

Ladies and gentlemen,

I have come a long way to see you tonight,

but I haven't come alone.

Okay, Hope... what?!

Let me do the act

and I'll tell you where the kid is.

?Quiero decir, el nombre
del chico en la primera base?

Quien.

El nombre del chico en la primera base.

Quien.

El nombre del chico en la
primera base para el San Luis.

Quien

El nombre del muchacho en la primera base!

Quien est? en la primera base!

Here you go.

Good girl.

Maxine, you gotta let me do
my routine again with hope.

All right, but you'll have
to pay a separate entrance fee

and agree to sweep the
stage while you're up there.

Ah! Maxine.

Just the liar we were looking for!

Barney and I found out the truth about you.

Oh, I see. Someone finally figured out

that I was Sabrina's aunt.

- Maxine's your aunt?
- Yes.

I'm sorry.

I just really wanted you
to believe in your art

and to put yourself out there.

And I tried suggesting
and I encouraged you.

And none of it worked,
so I convinced my aunt

that her next investment
should be a grocery store.

And I invented this art show.

Which, honestly, now that I say out loud,

does seem like kind of a big leap,

and I probably could have gone
about this a very different way.

But, you know, here we are.

Hey, surprise!

Anyway, then Virginia
started snooping around,

so I invented this
grandmother/granddaughter

pageant thing to distract her.

So you're saying you
got pull with the judges?

You're crazy.

But I am so happy that you are.

You gave me the kick in the butt I needed.

And I did it.

Okay, can we start the auction
and actually make some money?

Auction? What auction?

Do you think that I would

actually do an art show and
not try to make money on it?

Hey, Jimmy, don't worry about it.

Honestly, your art is terrific,

and everybody's gonna want to buy it.

Nobody? Nobody?

I'm not gonna let Jimmy
get embarrassed like this.

I'll get the ball rolling.

Ten dollars!

Sold!

Sold for ten dollars.

Well, that backfired.

You got ten bucks I can borrow?

Jimmy, cheer up.

Dreams are just a trick your
brain plays on your heart.

And you've got a heart
that is very easily fooled.

On the bright side, always feels good

to scratch the last thing off a list.

Jimmy, I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to make your dream come true.

Some dreams are better off as dreams.

Did you see that movie inception?

It was someone's dream to
make that piece of crap.

You know, if I had never
tried to be a real artist,

I could still pretend that
someday it might happen.

Hey, any chance those hippo
drawings are still for sale?

My daughter was in the pageant and screamed

all the way home about wanting
one of those hippo drawings.

And if I spoil her, it makes her like me

way more than my ex-wife, so... how much?

I don't know. I guess, like, seven...

- Ty...
- Five

Cents. Dollars?

Dollars.

Okay.

I just sold my art.

I just for real, like, sold my art!

Jimmy, I'm really proud of you.

Hey, my Danielle won't stop talking about

your hippo pictures. She's
nuts for them. How much?

$500.

Or... a pageant trophy.

I did it! I won!

I don't know who to thank!

Thank Sabrina.

I mean, she put this whole thing together.

You believed in your husband so much

that you lied to the people you love

and manipulated everyone around you

in the most convoluted way possible.

That's just what you would have done.

I know!

Let's go get maw maw out of that trunk

before she turns it into a porta-potti.

Hey.

Now that this is all over,
you can have your job back.

Really?

Oh, thank you.

But... but if this was all just a big ruse,

why did you fire me in the first place?

Because I wanted to see
if you were the type of guy

who could stand up to me
and fight for what he had.

But you didn't, not at all.

Which tells me you're the
perfect man for me to date.

Well, I'll have you know I
stand up for myself plenty.

Don't make me fire you again.

Whatever you say.

There you go.

If I die, it'll be worth more.

Why's the hippo in a dress?

To be honest, I didn't know

what hippos had going on down there...

See, this, this is
Margaret's special party dress

'cause she was invited to the big dance.

See, the other animals, they took a vote,

and they gave her this
crown and this scepter.

And that taught her that all girls,

no matter what size, color
or gender they were born with,

can, uh, be queen for one night.

I love Margaret.

That was really cool.

It was, like, all of a sudden,

you made the picture just come to life.

It was just some dumb story.

You should write stories
for more of my pictures,

or... or I could draw pictures
to go along with your stories.

You mean, you want to
write a book together?

Yeah. Why not?

What if everybody hates it?

Yeah, it is scary

when you chase a dream, isn't it?

You just did the take-a-risk switcheroo.

I hope I'm not too late for
the swimsuit competition.

I'm going French.