Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 4 - Hi-Def - full transcript

Ugh!

Work gave us these stupid smartphones,
and I don't know how to use it.

FEMALE VOICE:
How can I help you?

I told you, stop calling me.
You have the wrong number.

Leave my wife alone.

You'd like to leave your wife? Searching
for divorce attorneys in your area.

That's not what I said,
home wrecker!

Guys, guys, guys,
that's not a person.

It's an automated
personal assistant.

When you figure out all the cool stuff
that phone does, you're gonna love it.

Yeah, that's what our
manager at work said.



And then she hit us with a ton
of new corporate policies.

They want us to take pictures
of the houses we clean.

Which means they don't trust us.

Which sucks 'cause now we have
to really clean the houses.

Well, at least you got
a cool new phone out of it.

I hate it.
It's too complicated.

I butt-dialed Burt three times
on the way to work.

Your butt makes up for in appearance
what it lacks in communication skills.

MAW MAW: That's pretty impressive.
My butt has only two tricks.

One is, uh, disgusting,

and the other
is looking amazing in jeans.

Mmm. Now that you have a new phone,
you can follow me on WikiVids.

What's WikiVids?

It's a site where I post videos
of the eggs I make



and my funny little
comments about them.

I kind of interpret
what they look like.

I call this one "Yolko Ono."

See how the egg
broke up the hash browns?

- MAW MAW: Oh, look at that.
- Now, that is art.

You should open
up a museum

where you bring these out to people,
and then they get to eat it.

- Isn't that just a restaurant?
- Everything's been done!

You know, if you hate your phone
so much, we could switch phones.

My flip phone takes lousy pictures,
so you don't have to clean that good.

- Yeah, I guess we could do...
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

He wants something from us.
We should get something in return.

You thinking "Pick-a-Pocket, Pick-a-Pocket,
We Want Everything in Your Pockets"?

It's a good day for it.
Jimmy's wearing cargo pants.

Ooh, can we
make him jump?

No, no, no, no, no,
you know the rules.

One turn, one pocket,
no touching, no whining.

BURT: I-I'm gonna go...
Right... left...

- Right... left...
- Right front!

Oh, damn, we were
getting that anyway.

What was in the other pockets?

ALL:
Keys!

Wallet!

Fruit pie!

Oh, man,
we could have had a fruit pie!

Season 4, Episode 4
"Hi-Def"

I want another roll.

Sorry, Maw Maw, I didn't make enough
for both of you to have two.

You're gonna have
to split it with Hope.

You know, there's a lot of really great
stuff in these new corporate policies.

- I mean, a week's paid vacation...
- Oh!

401(k)...

401(k)?

No, thanks. I ran a 5K
once and almost puked.

(chuckles)

Oh, hey, you get health care.

Actually, it says
spouses are covered, too.

- You guys could finally go to the doctor.
- We're not sick.

You don't have to be sick
to go to the doctor.

(both laugh)

Why would you go to a doctor
if you're not sick?

Like, to say hello?

- Hello, Doctor.
- Hello, Burt. How are you?

- Not sick.
- Wonderful. Thanks for stopping by.

(Burt and Virginia laughing)

Fine. Enjoy the carbs, fatso.

Guys, you have to get checkups.

Otherwise little things,
they turn into big things.

It only takes one spark
to burn down the whole forest.

The only doctor I go to
is Dr. Vajajay.

He's Indian. That's his name.
He looks after my hoo-hah.

- Gross.
- I assure you, it is not.

JIMMY: Okay, this is LeBron
James and the Giant Peach.

What are you doing?

I'm gonna make videos
of fruits and vegetables

made to look
like famous athletes.

I've got Wayne Grapesky,

Pear Bryant.

Uh, I'm trying to think of a baseball
player I could use for strawberries, but...

Nothing's coming to me.

Don't you think
it's a little derivative?

No, it's a big peach.

I mean it's not very original.

I do food. You're just copying my idea.

So?
It's just a silly video thing.

A silly video thing?

(chuckles) I think the 28 people who
follow "Sabrina's Yolk of the Day"

might disagree with you.

Wait a minute.

Strawberry Bonds.
Oh, how dumb am I?

- What's going on with your toe freckle?
- I'm not sure.

- I'm worried it's getting bigger.
- Maybe your toe is getting smaller.

Well, that
worries me, too.

Either one of those things could
be the spark that starts the fire.

That's what Sabrina said
about the doctor.

I've been thinking
about that, too. Listen.

(groans)

(neck cracking) (gasps)

I think my neck crack's
getting worse.

Sounds like someone's
making popcorn under my head.

Sometimes my ear
just starts hurting.

Like, I'll just be standing somewhere,
and then, suddenly, ow!

- Did it just happen?
- No, I was just dramatizing.

It only happens a
couple times a week.

You know what else?
Sometimes when I pee,

it comes out
in two different directions.

Zow! Zow!

I'm dramatizing, too.

My after-breakfast eye twitch is now
sometimes lasting all the way till lunch.

No matter how much coffee I drink
to relax myself, it just doesn't stop!

My jaw hurts like crazy
when I go like this.

- Ooh, that looks painful.
- It is!

I hate to say it,
but maybe Sabrina was right.

We need to see a doctor.

Maybe she was right
about other things.

Do you really think there's
a country called Chad?

Yeah, and everyone there
carries a tennis racket

and wears a sweater
tied around their shoulders.

(both laugh)

I'm starting to get worried.
I think I have everything.

Muscle weakness? Check.
Fatigue? Check.

Form of payment? Check.

- I know. Do I get dizzy?
- When you spin around a lot.

Damn it!

Virginia Chance?
Nice to meet you.

(laughing):
Gotcha!

I love that one. Do it to all
my new patients. (Virginia laughs)

My philosophy is,
laughter is the best medicine.

Unless you have
insurance.

In that case,
medicine is the best medicine.

(laughs) Okay. Let's go look
under your hood.

(quietly):
Stay strong.

Hey, guys, I don't usually
post spill videos, but...

You don't see a crocodile with
Abe Lincoln's head every day.

(laughter)

Guys?

All right, well, that was an amusing
diversion, but we should...

Oh, you know what? We can bleach the
chicken tomorrow. Let's watch it again.

You guys watching my daily
"Yolk of the Day" video?

No. Jimmy posted
this hilarious new WikiVid.

And you should probably get
your cholesterol checked.

Let me see this.
This better not be food-related.

MAW MAW: I was never a fan
of the Three Stooges.

I found them sweaty and clumsy
and not very entertaining.

To be clear, the Three Stooges
is what I called Wilfrid's genitals.

(laughter)

FRANK: Unless you are one,
old people are funny.

Yeah. I guess it's funny.
It's a little simple.

Simple...?

Yeah. I mean, when you have
as many as 27 followers,

they want you to challenge them
artistically and intellectually.

- Oh, I thought you had 28.
- I did.

I'm sorry, Sabrina, but between
the nun that does the chicken dance,

the cat that plays the piano and
James' hysterical new videos,

I don't have the time to stare at eggs
until they look like Steve Buscemi.

All done.

Oh, you've gone blind.

- We should have come sooner.
- I'm not blind.

When they give you an eye exam,
they delete your pupils.

But the good news is, the only
thing wrong with me is my eyes.

- Nothing glasses can't fix.
- It's just a slight prescription.

It... it'd be like going from
standard definition to high-def.

And I'm sorry you have to make
such a... spectacle of yourself.

(both laughing)

He's a lot more funny once you find out
you're not dying. You'll see.

(phone beeps)

MAW MAW: Well, it took 87 years,

but now, officially,
my neck looks like my vagina.

(laughing)

Her neck does look
like a vagina.

(scoffs) Where's Sabrina?
(chuckles)

She took her, uh, break
a half hour ago.

No fair, all right?

You said that my video
was deflippititive,

and now you're being
defibrilitive.

I think the word you're
looking for is derivative.

Whatever. All right,
if I can't film food,

then you can't take advantage of my crazy
great-grandmother to amuse strangers.

- That's my thing.
- Come on.

You and I should both be able
to record whatever we want...

Sounds like someone
with 27 followers talking.

(laughs)

35. Thank you very much.

Oh, 35. I remember
when I had 35 followers.

That was... four followers ago.

Oh, yeah? Well,
your phone is pink.

Yep. Whatever, 35.

Well, everything
checks out... your eyes,

your heart, blood pressure.
You're in great shape.

Well, that wasn't so bad.

I might think about getting a regular
checkup every six or seven years.

Some of those tests
were actually kind of fun.

Do that little hammer again.

(laughs)

Wow! That is wild!

Does that work
on other parts of the body, too?

'Cause I could really use that
magic hammer in the bedroom.

Just, uh, one more thing.

Just turn around,
bend over and...

- Promise you can keep a secret.
- All right.

Whoa!

And that feels like your finger
in my doggy door.

Oh, it's just a routine test,
Burt.

Well, if you're trying
to get my knee to move again,

it's twitching pretty good,
so you can stop now.

Hmm.

Your prostate feels
a little... boggy.

And your finger feels
a little biggy. Oh!

- How of... how often do you have sex?
- Like this? Never.

No, like, with your wife.

Sex can be good
for your prostate.

I'll keep that in mind.

In the meantime,
I want to do a colonoscopy

just to make sure this isn't
a sign of a larger problem.

Fine. Can't be any worse
than what we're doing now.

Well, we pass a fiber-optic camera through
your anus, and we have a little look-see.

I stand corrected. (grunts)

Whoa.

I can't believe it.
Everything's so clear.

The birds, the clouds...

I can even see that bus bench
all the way across the street.

"50% off glasses
at Glasses Land."

That would've been
nice to know an hour ago.

Come on, the doctor said I have to
have more sex to un-bog my colon.

You got your prescription
filled; now it's my turn.

He didn't actually write it down, but
I'm thinking twice daily after meals.

Here we go.

I can't believe how clear
everything is.

This is probably what Helen Keller
felt like when she got her glasses.

(humming)

This is the first test
I'm actually excited to study for.

I wonder if this is how they came up
with the term "cramming."

VIRGINIA:
Whoa.

We really need
to paint out here.

- Virginia...
- I'm sorry.

Whoa.

This carpet is really stained.

Focus.

Oh. Yeah...

VIRGINIA:
Uh...

Oh, that's a banana peel.
I thought it was my bracelet.

Mmm...

No. I can't have sex in here, Burt.

- This house is disgusting.
- Take the glasses off.

Oh, good idea.

No, I can't do this.

I just keep imagining
everything I'm not seeing.

Well, maybe you should start
focusing on what you are seeing.

Oh, my God... is that the face you make
when you do your sexy dance?

Ah, these glasses are
ruining everything!

Ah... (sighs)

Oh, hey, Dad.

How's it going?

I got to drink a gallon
of laxative in an hour.

On the plus side,

I'm pretty sure
that buffalo nickel

I swallowed in third grade
is finally gonna resurface.

Okay, well...

Time to go see if crazy Maw Maw
can help me break 50 followers.

Hey, uh, Maw Maw,

you, uh, got anything stuck
in your craw today?

No, I just cleaned my craw.

Keep talking.

(quick knock at door)

(sniffs)

Why does your bedroom smell
like my mother's breath?

I found some wine stains on the carpet,
and I couldn't get them out,

so I'm gonna make it look like one
of those Jackson Polack paintings.

Sure, that's one way
of doing it.

With these damn glasses, I notice every
little imperfection around the house.

Hand me that green
magic marker.

I saw a plant outside
that needs a touch-up.

That sounds very sensible.

SABRINA (whispering): Virginia
obsessively cleaning, take one.

(crickets chirping)

That's a little better.

That could work.

Ready!

Oh.

Shut the door. It looks like
it's snowing in here...

There's so much dust
floating in the air.

I'd say take the glasses off,

but the whole Sarah Palin thing
is really working for me.

(chuckles) Can you tell me
about a moose you shot?

(growling)

- Ooh. Someone's in the mood.
- No, that's my stomach.

I think
the pre-colonoscopy beverage

is doing something crazy to my...
Uh-oh. (stomach grumbling)

(grunts)

Hot soup!

(moaning)

(shouts)

It's like I ate
a waterfall!

Look at this.
First thing this morning,

and I've already got
three new followers.

Thank God you're here.
I need a ride to the hospital.

- I did not want to use this sign.
- Where's Virginia? (gasps)

Please tell me she's
obsessively cleaning something.

- She's locked herself in our bedroom.
- Jackpot.

- Last chance, Virginia!
- Just need another minute!

I can't go out in public
looking like this.

(knocking) SABRINA: Hey, Virginia.
Open up!

Saw some brown leaves outside
that could use a fresh coat of paint.

Oh, dang.

Hey, I-I just want
to stick my arm in.

Hey, Maw Maw.

Obama's a genius.
And... go.

You're not filming me anymore.
I know what you're up to.

MAW MAW:
Yesterday, I was at Howdy's.

(laughing)

JIMMY: Maw Maw, tell me
what happened next.

So I told Rosa Parks
I couldn't move over

because I had
all these shopping bags.

(chuckles)

Who knew she was gonna turn it
into such a big to-do?

(laughs) (snickers) Hey.

Hey, that crazy, wrinkled old bitty
is stealing all my stories.

In my bathtub,
wearing my shower cap!

Wait a minute.
I know what's going on.

Somebo...

Oh, crap. Lost it.

Tell me what's going on.

They told me everything.
I'm cutting you off.

(sighs) Come on, Maw Maw.
I've got nothing else to film.

All right, Jimmy, let's go.

I don't want to miss my appointment
and go through that prep again.

At the end there, I was pooping out
cereals they haven't made since the '70s.

I do not like the idea
of this one bit.

The smallest camera
I've ever seen was on a watch,

and that would still
scrape going in.

Yeah, well, just think of it
as a medical device, not as a camera.

It's just a little tube
that's five feet long.

"In the unlikely event
of death..."

Oh, my God.

Doc!

This says I could die.
You didn't tell me that.

That's just the disclaimer for anyone
going under general anesthetic.

Don't worry, Burt.

Only one out of every 10,000
people dies while they're under.

- How many of these have you done?
- About 10,000. Never had a problem.

(groans) Jimmy...

He's overdue for a death.

It's gonna be me. I can feel it.

Get me the hell out of here.

I don't want to die
with a camera up my poop chute.

Dad, it says "unlikely."

"Unlikely"? Unlikely things
happen all the time.

Michael Jordan grew
a Hitler mustache.

That came out of nowhere.
Nowhere!

Jimmy Chance has done it again.

It can't be that bad.

(sighs)

(gasps)
Ooh. That's not good.

- Can I pop it? Just...
- No! (groans)

Ever since I got these glasses,
they've just made my life worse.

First, I saw how worn-out
this house was,

and then when I started
cleaning the mirrors,

I saw the house wasn't the only
thing looking a little worn.

Well, not everyone
can afford new clothes.

What's the matter
with my clothes?

- Oh. Nothing.
- I was talking about my face.

I tried wearing more makeup
and fixing my hair,

but underneath all that,
I still got these little lines

and dark circles under my eyes.

- Virginia, you still look great.
- Yeah, I know.

But I don't look 25.

I could pass for 28, tops.

But these damn glasses
make Burt look even better,

and I just know that eventually
he's gonna realize

I'm not the hot piece of ass
I was one or two months ago.

Don't some people say that
it's what's on the inside that counts?

Yeah. Ugly people.

Burt and I used to make fun of people
who said things like that.

Now he's gonna be
making fun of me.

Pretty sure he's got
other things on his mind.

I don't wanna die!

It's every father's dream
to outlive his son.

We all lie and say it's the opposite, but
it's time you knew the truth, Jimmy!

(grunting)

- No!
- I'm coming, Burt!

No! (grunts) No!

- Burt!
- Whoa! Not the best time to startle me.

- How'd you get in here?
- Same as you. Through the back door.

(laughs) That's a good one.
Write that down, nurse.

- What the hell is that?
- That's your husband's colon.

JIMMY: At that moment, my mom saw
the most disgusting part of my dad.

(exhales)

But it didn't change
how she felt about him.

And even though
she almost lost her lunch,

she gained some perspective on
her relationship with my dad.

If she could still love him after
seeing how gross he was on the inside,

then, of course,
he would love her

no matter what she thought
about her outsides.

(sighs)

Well, that's one in a row
for you, Wild Bill.

Hey.

I'm alive.

Yeah, and they said everything
looks great.

Well, actually,
it looks disgusting,

but that's how it's supposed to
look, so you're gonna be fine.

Wow, that is some zit.

No, it's cute.

Look like you did
back in high school.

I don't know
about the glasses, though.

Every time I come in
to kiss you,

I see my own reflection,
and let's face it,

I'm not as young
as I used to be.

I'll get contacts.

They're having a 50% off sale
at Glasses Land.

Hey, Burt.

Think this
belongs to you.

Hey! My buffalo nickel.

Thanks, Aquaman.

I think he's still
feeling the anesthesia.

Hey, what are
you doing?

I thought we agreed not to put Hope
in any videos that we post.

Oh, no, Jimmy, I'm not gonna post this.
I-I'm done with that.

It's dumb to compete over
these silly little videos.

And, look, we already
inadvertently compete

over Hope's affection and
whose hair looks better,

who finishes first
in the bedroom.

- Undefeated. (laughs)
- Yes, you are.

Hey, you, come here.

(growling)

- Has Jimmy posted anything?
- No.

- What about Sabrina?
- No.

- What do we do now?
- I guess we could live our lives.

What lives?

(beep) Oh, look.

"People screaming like goats."

(bleating) (laughs)

(both laughing)