Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 3 - Ship Happens - full transcript
When Sabrina finds out that Jimmy never went on a real family vacation as a kid, she's determined to take Hope on a memorable trip.
Dinner!
Ooh, I love
international taco night.
Virginia: We have...
French fries, Greek yogurt,
Canadian bacon,
Chinese noodles,
Italian sausage,
American cheese,
and from the country
of Chile, chili.
Kind of just seems like
we're eating all the food
in the fridge
that was about to go bad.
Yes, but in a taco shell.
This is like the buffet
at the United Nations
without all the grab-ass.
Hope, look,
these noodles
were made all the way in China
by little girls the same age as you.
You know, in China
they actually eat a completely different
kind of noodle than we have here.
I don't want to sound racist, but I kind
of think all Chinese noodles look alike.
Yeah. I'm just saying.
My family used to travel a lot
when I was a kid.
China, Argentina,
Australia...
When I was a kid,
I learned to keep my mouth shut
and not be such
an annoying know-it-all.
You know, we went on a lot of
trips when I was little, too.
I should, uh, show you
the vacation photos after dinner.
Uh, that's a terrible idea.
Nobody likes to look
at other people's vacation photos.
Besides, those pictures
don't exist anymore.
BURT: Yeah. They
melted in a...
Strangely contained
shelf fire?
Are you sure?
I thought I saw them
a couple days ago.
Uh...
Are these supposed to be
hard or soft shell tacos?
That's a napkin, Maw Maw.
What will those Mexicans
think of next?
Mmm.
Season 4, Episode 3
"Ship Happens"
And that is when we went
to Lake World.
Oh, man, the catfish show
was amazing.
Look at you, all tuckered out.
(laughs)
Oh, and this is when
we went skiing in Vermont.
We stayed in this big cabin
next to Ben and Jerry.
No, not the ice cream guys,
just a gay couple on vacation.
SABRINA:
You're asleep again.
Yeah, I always used to get
carsick on vacations
so my parents would
give me medicine
and it would make me
kind of drowsy.
We had to choose between
a puker and a sleeper.
We chose sleeper.
Hey, not to change the subject,
but is it just me, or is there
a lot more Velcro on stuff lately?
Yeah, what is this
brown stain in the sky?
Storm cloud.
I'm starting to get a weird
feeling in my stomach.
There's a rip
in the side of this mountain.
Of course there is.
That's Rip Mountain.
Oh, my God.
These are all fake.
Fine. Some of them are fake.
But the first one's real.
When you were little,
all the other kids
were bragging about going
to Lake World, so we took you.
But you got carsick,
so we gave you medicine.
Not only did it knock you out
for the drive,
you slept through
the whole day.
VIRGINIA: And the next morning,
all you could talk about
was what a great time
you had at Lake World.
So we figured, why stop there?
Why not give you great memories
of seeing the whole country?
Drink up, honey.
It's a long drive to Hawaii.
Once you were in dreamland,
we'd just drive across town to the
dumpster behind the photography studio.
BURT:
I did landscaping nearby,
so every time I saw them
throw out a backdrop,
we knew it was vacation time.
VIRGINIA:
We went everywhere.
We gave Jimmy the greatest imaginary
childhood a kid could have.
So you're telling me I never used
the toilet that Elvis died on?
I mean, I still
brag about that!
Shh. It's okay, Jimmy. It's okay.
It's all water under the Brooklyn Bridge.
Which we now know
you never actually saw.
The important thing is that
we're gonna work harder for Hope.
We worked pretty hard.
I just mean we're gonna take her
on a real vacation.
Oh. A "real" vacation.
Good luck with that on two
grocery baggers' salaries.
Ah.
It doesn't have to be fancy,
as long as we're together.
- And awake.
- It's not worth it.
Family vacations just get
everybody out of sync.
She's right.
It's nothing but driving and sunburns
and a whole lot of fighting.
How would you know?
You never took us anywhere.
- See? We're already fighting.
- Pretty soon we're gonna be sunburned.
Maybe we didn't
give Jimmy real vacations.
But we gave him
real memories.
And that's all kids remember
from vacations anyway...
Is memories.
And now all Jimmy's memories are ruined.
Thank you, Helen Keller.
I don't think that's
who you think it is.
- Yeah, the girl detective.
- You're thinking of Amelia Earhart.
Nancy Drew.
You're thinking of Nancy Drew.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
- It's not important.
The fact is, Jimmy was happy,
well-traveled and ignorant,
and you just took away
two of those things.
I hate to think
your mother is right,
but all the vacations in here
cost thousands of dollars.
Have you looked
into a Cougar Cruise?
It's three nights on the Caribbean.
It's pretty wild.
Frank, we're trying to plan a family
vacation, not have sex with older women.
No, these are actual
live cougars.
You sail the high seas
with them.
It's loosely based off that
hilarious movie Life of Pi.
But it is a cruise,
so... there are a lot of older women,
if you're into that.
Check this out.
I mean, it's no cougar cruise,
but at least it's still a boat trip.
- "Travel and Make Money."
- Oh, that sounds cool.
You know what else is cool?
Not talking about the awesome
trips you're gonna take
in front of someone
you haven't invited.
Yet.
Guess what.
You guys were wrong.
Sabrina found us
a great vacation.
- Shh.
- Shh.
Can't you see we're
doing a teeth cleaning?
If you startle Maw Maw awake,
one of us could lose a finger.
Hey, look.
It's the little iron
from the Monopoly set.
We haven't played
in over a year.
We should really
floss her more often.
We came over here to invite you guys
on a real family vacation.
One that will take place outside
of an alley and nowhere near a dumpster.
Let me check my calendar.
- Pass.
- BURT: You guys have fun.
We got our paradise
right here.
Look, it's a game
board bonanza.
Think I found
Colonel Mustard's candlestick.
No. That's just a filling.
JIMMY: You guys sure you don't want
to go on this vacation with us?
Look, this rich
Vanderklam family
is paying us 500 bucks
to go sail their boat
down the river to
the Fulton Marina.
SABRINA:
Then we're gonna use that money
on two nights at a hotel and
train tickets back to Natesville.
- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Boat sex?
Excuse me? Did you
just say "boat sex"?
We've got this whole "transportation
sex" checklist we're plowing through.
Ooh, a plow!
- Is that even on the list?
- It is now. (chuckles)
This all started years ago when
your mom and I snuck a ride on a bus.
We should wait for a bumpy
section of highway
and let the road
do all the work.
You're so smart.
Thanks, Dale.
(whooping)
(both laugh)
Well, uh...
I was hoping that you'd want to come
with to be part of our family memories.
Oh, definitely.
We're in.
We are gonna have front-row seats
for this vacation disaster.
Okay, that's it.
Get the pickle.
(Maw Maw snoring)
Oh...
That's how Paw Paw
used to wake me up.
Of course, his pickle was smaller
and smelled a lot worse.
Hi.
Uh, we're here to take the Vanderklams'
boat to the Fulton Marina.
(laughs): Oh... I like how
you dressed the part.
It's not often you see
folks get so decked out
just to tow a boat
down the highway.
We're towing it?
We... Are you kidding me?
I thought we were gonna
take it out on the water.
And I thought Jimmy Buffett
was a good role model.
Have a great trip.
Aw, man.
Bet carsick medicine
sounds real good now.
VIRGINIA: You two just give the signal
and it's nighty-night juice all around.
Now, on the flyer, the boat is
clearly not on a trailer.
It's highly misleading.
Well, nothing like this ever happened
when we took Jimmy on vacations.
Nothing happened because being
unconscious is not a vacation.
I beg to differ.
Now, it looks like there's a Stuffed
Animal Museum right on the way,
and that'd be
a great memory for Hope.
Burt and I will ride on the boat.
Just to give you two some privacy.
I'll grab the champagne and the boombox
out of the back of the car, we'll set sail.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no.
No one is allowed in the boat.
- Didn't you read the contract?
- Oh, yeah, I read every word.
That's why my daughter's wearing
a snorkel on a road trip.
Is there anything else
I might've missed?
If you don't get the boat there by
4:00 p.m., you forfeit half the money.
(snorts)
Right. So that means
we had to leave, what?
30 minutes ago?
- Everyone get in the car.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
Can we please stop the car, Sabrina?
We've been holding it for five hours.
We're supposed
to be holding it?
- That's news to me.
- Me, too.
We're gonna stop
at the next gas station.
That's what you said about
the last five gas stations.
The next gas station that has room
for a boat to go in and out of it.
Just hang in there. It looks like
there's one coming up in about a mile.
Hey, the Stuffed Animal Museum's
coming up in about a mile.
We're gonna be
stopped right by it.
Okay, Jimmy, delivering the
boat is our priority right now.
Just wanted to make sure you
didn't forget about the museum.
It's hard to forget about it
when you mention it ten times.
Sounds like somebody's getting
a little out of sync.
JIMMY and SABRINA:
We're not out of sync!
Please don't say "sink."
Or the name of anything else
I have ever peed in.
Go quickly.
We only have ten minutes.
Okay. Come on.
What...?
Where the hell
is the car?
Hey, between
you and me?
This vacation's starting
to get interesting.
Wha...? What?
This doesn't make
any sense.
Why would somebody take the car
but leave the boat?
Because nobody wants
to tow a boat?
Nothing like this ever happened
to us at Rip Mountain.
MAW MAW:
It's a sign.
First we gather two
of every kind of animal.
Then we wait.
SABRINA:
Okay, I got this.
Jimmy, I just want you
to take Hope and Maw Maw
and go into
the Stuffed Animal Museum, okay?
I'm gonna call the cops.
Don't worry, everybody.
There's still plenty of time to make
some happy family memories, okay?
Our car was just stolen.
I don't want to leave you
on your own to deal with this.
Jimmy...
we came here to have fun,
and we are gonna
have fun, damn it.
So take the kid and take
the crazy old lady,
and go in there and make
some happy memories!
Okay?
All right.
Let's go make some memories!
Let's make
some memories.
Watch the boat.
What are you doing?
No punk car thief is gonna
take down my vacation.
If I'm not back in five minutes,
forward my mail to Hell.
I'm just kidding. If I'm not back in
five minutes, please call an ambulance.
I tried to warn her.
Vacations are a disaster.
Hey, we have that boat
all to ourselves.
She said watch the boat. Didn't say
watch it from outside. (chuckles)
Come on... whoa!
Uh...
Good enough for Jimmy's crib,
good enough for a boat.
OLD MAN: Welcome to
the Stuffed Animal Museum.
A menagerie of wonders and
merriment for all ages.
All right, well, one adult, one child
and one senior, please.
Oh...
- Seniors are free.
- Of course.
'Cause we're not
real people anymore,
just clothes
and skin holding in farts.
Aren't you delightful!
You don't look
a day over 85.
Likewise.
Once you've gone
through the tour,
why don't we just, uh,
take our teeth out
and see what happens.
(both laughing)
Not to interrupt
this disgusting interaction,
but my four-year-old is real anxious
to go see the stuffed animals.
I believe
you mean to say "excited."
"Anxious" means
"filled with anxiety."
These kids today and
their grammar.
Okay, once inside, just follow
the yellow paw prints on the
floor to guide you through.
(clicks tongue)
- Enjoy.
- All right.
We're gonna go through...
You ready, Hope?
This is gonna be awesome.
(Jimmy shrieks)
Not the cute
kind of stuffed animals!
Not cute!
(grunting)
It won't spin this way.
Help!
There's been some kind of
misunderstanding.
Would you let us out!
(amplified): Please follow
the yellow paw prints.
Thank you and enjoy.
(whimpering) Maw Maw, help me
get Hope out of here.
Shh! I'm in a staring
contest with this owl.
(rock music blaring over radio)
Hey...
(grunting)
I came here to deliver a boat
and have a nice vacation.
And right now,
I'm all out of vacation.
What does that even mean?
(laughs)
(groans)
(spits)
(wolf howling over P.A.)
It's okay, Hope.
We're just playing a long,
creepy game of peek-a-boo.
(Jimmy gasps, whimpers)
I am gonna write a very negative
online review of your museum!
(amplified):
Go ahead, I'll delete it.
Well, then
I'll write another one!
(amplified):
Then I'll delete that one, too.
(Jimmy whimpers)
Fine! Then I'll probably
give up at that point.
But I'll still be very upset!
(screaming)
(screaming)
Jimmy!
Get this guy's card.
He's good.
I was thinking cremation,
but if he can make this old bat look
good, imagine what he could do for me.
(plastic squeaking,
Virginia moaning)
Ah...
Burt, what's going on?
I think I'm having
a little problem.
Do we have to get those pills
where we sit in bathtubs in a field?
No, I think I'm just distracted by these
pictures of this family on vacation.
I'm wondering if we could've
done better for Jimmy.
Burt, these people
are "boat rich."
Of course they had
fancy vacations.
But they're not
all fancy vacations.
They went hiking,
they went to the beach.
They went fishing
at Natesville Lake.
That's closer to our house than
the dumpster behind the photo studio.
(scoffs) Next you're gonna say
you think Sabrina was right.
No, no, no, no.
No! (laughing)
No.
Maybe.
Maybe?
Not a definite maybe.
A maybe-ish maybe.
So...
You're saying I'm wrong?
Maybe?
Maybe you're saying that,
or maybe I'm wrong?
Or...
Maybe you're the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen.
Maybe you should have
boat sex by yourself.
No, Virginia, I've already
done that on a boat.
Come on! Virginia!
Virginia, wait!
(car tires screeching)
I got the car back.
You guys... what
are you doing?
Look who saved the day chasing
thieves on her stolen motorcycle.
Little Miss
Right About Everything.
I never said
she was right about everything.
For God's sake,
she married Jimmy.
This is officially
the worst vacation ever.
SABRINA:
Excuse me?
I have done absolutely
everything I can do
to give this family something
that they've never had before.
- A stolen motorcycle?
- No. A vacation.
- You stole a motorcycle?
- To get the car back.
Jimmy, it was
a selfless act of heroism
so you could enjoy your time
at the teddy bear museum.
They were not teddy bears.
They were stuffed animals.
Real animals. Eating other animals.
Hope's going to be scarred for life.
I pilfered this antelope,
so the day wasn't a total loss.
You're right, Burt,
we messed up.
When Jimmy was a kid, we should
have taken him on vacation,
stolen a motorcycle and gone
to the museum of nightmares.
Those would've been way better vacation
memories than we ever gave him.
It's not about
what we gave Jimmy.
We did the best we could
with what we had.
I can live with that.
But they could do better with
Hope if we're on their side,
not rooting against them.
JIMMY: ...a motorcycle ride
would've been fun.
SABRINA:
You know what, you guys?
Let's just hitch up the boat and drop
it off, then we can all just go home.
Hey, Jimmy, I always
suspected you fancied boys,
but when did you start
advertising it?
What are you talking about?
Your bumper sticker says,
"I'd rather be spelunking."
This is not our car.
(siren whoops,
police radio chatter)
(gasps)
Which one of you assaulted
this man and stole his vehicle?
- What?
- Hold this for me.
No reason both of us
have to go to jail.
Look, honestly,
it's-it's such an easy mistake.
- Our-our cars are the exact same color...
- She assaulted me!
Do you know how
swollen my testicles are?
We'll never know
unless you show us.
That psycho from the Stuffed Animal
Museum is the real criminal!
Those deviants didn't even
follow the yellow paw prints!
They went right out
the fire exit!
- You cuff 'em, I'll stuff 'em!
- Everybody quiet down.
- Put your hands behind your back, miss.
- You're arresting me?
Look, my only crime
is caring too much.
I mean, sure, assault and Grand Theft
Auto, but mostly just caring too much.
Look, I just really wanted to give
my daughter a fun vacation memory.
VIRGINIA: If you're gonna arrest her,
you're gonna have to arrest me, too.
- Why?
- She wouldn't have had to do any of this
if I just tried harder to give
my granddaughter a real vacation.
Well, if that little cutie is your
granddaughter, you're missing it.
Hey, Gram!
I'm driving a boat.
Hope!
Please, can you just wait
one second to arrest me?
I just... I really want
to get this on video.
Okay. Stay there.
Come on, Hope,
let's make a memor... (screams)
Oh, yeah. Same thing
happened with Jimmy's crib.
- Oh. Am I in jail?
- No...
You hit your head;
you're in the hospital.
BURT: Good news is, when
they saw you flopping around
on the ground like a fish out of water,
they felt too bad to press charges.
Oh, that's good news.
Oh, on the flip side, I just gave
Hope the worst vacation ever.
- I don't think she feels that way.
- Look at this.
(laughing)
You put me up on the boat
while I was unconscious?
Hey, I mean, you planned
the whole thing.
We weren't gonna leave
you out of the videos.
And holding you upright kept you
from swallowing your tongue
till the ambulance got there.
Check these out.
Catfish!
Whoa! Catch it!
Whoa!
Oh...
(laughs) Whoa!
Eh? That's good, right?
Oh, I'm glad Hope
had a good time.
Virginia, you were so right.
Having a real vacation is
more trouble than it's worth.
Well, this trip was awful.
This was more of a crime
spree than a trip.
But next year, we could do better
if we all work together.
And who knows, maybe someday
the Chances will take a vacation
where one of us isn't
passed out in every picture.
I would really like that.
But no more boats.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Aah!
Jimmy, how did
I get so sunburned?
I may have forgotten
to put your sunscreen on.
(groans)
Hey... I'm proud of you.
I know how hard it is for you
to admit you're wrong.
- No, it isn't.
- I totally agree.
- Too bad there's no boat here.
- Oh, that's okay.
Plenty of other vehicles
in the sea.
Let's go! We have a spelunker
with a ruptured testicle!
(gentle classical music playing)
It's so nice to dance with something
that still has a pulse.
Dinner was lovely.
The chicken was delicious!
That's because
it wasn't chicken.
It was meerkat.
Ooh, I love
international taco night.
Virginia: We have...
French fries, Greek yogurt,
Canadian bacon,
Chinese noodles,
Italian sausage,
American cheese,
and from the country
of Chile, chili.
Kind of just seems like
we're eating all the food
in the fridge
that was about to go bad.
Yes, but in a taco shell.
This is like the buffet
at the United Nations
without all the grab-ass.
Hope, look,
these noodles
were made all the way in China
by little girls the same age as you.
You know, in China
they actually eat a completely different
kind of noodle than we have here.
I don't want to sound racist, but I kind
of think all Chinese noodles look alike.
Yeah. I'm just saying.
My family used to travel a lot
when I was a kid.
China, Argentina,
Australia...
When I was a kid,
I learned to keep my mouth shut
and not be such
an annoying know-it-all.
You know, we went on a lot of
trips when I was little, too.
I should, uh, show you
the vacation photos after dinner.
Uh, that's a terrible idea.
Nobody likes to look
at other people's vacation photos.
Besides, those pictures
don't exist anymore.
BURT: Yeah. They
melted in a...
Strangely contained
shelf fire?
Are you sure?
I thought I saw them
a couple days ago.
Uh...
Are these supposed to be
hard or soft shell tacos?
That's a napkin, Maw Maw.
What will those Mexicans
think of next?
Mmm.
Season 4, Episode 3
"Ship Happens"
And that is when we went
to Lake World.
Oh, man, the catfish show
was amazing.
Look at you, all tuckered out.
(laughs)
Oh, and this is when
we went skiing in Vermont.
We stayed in this big cabin
next to Ben and Jerry.
No, not the ice cream guys,
just a gay couple on vacation.
SABRINA:
You're asleep again.
Yeah, I always used to get
carsick on vacations
so my parents would
give me medicine
and it would make me
kind of drowsy.
We had to choose between
a puker and a sleeper.
We chose sleeper.
Hey, not to change the subject,
but is it just me, or is there
a lot more Velcro on stuff lately?
Yeah, what is this
brown stain in the sky?
Storm cloud.
I'm starting to get a weird
feeling in my stomach.
There's a rip
in the side of this mountain.
Of course there is.
That's Rip Mountain.
Oh, my God.
These are all fake.
Fine. Some of them are fake.
But the first one's real.
When you were little,
all the other kids
were bragging about going
to Lake World, so we took you.
But you got carsick,
so we gave you medicine.
Not only did it knock you out
for the drive,
you slept through
the whole day.
VIRGINIA: And the next morning,
all you could talk about
was what a great time
you had at Lake World.
So we figured, why stop there?
Why not give you great memories
of seeing the whole country?
Drink up, honey.
It's a long drive to Hawaii.
Once you were in dreamland,
we'd just drive across town to the
dumpster behind the photography studio.
BURT:
I did landscaping nearby,
so every time I saw them
throw out a backdrop,
we knew it was vacation time.
VIRGINIA:
We went everywhere.
We gave Jimmy the greatest imaginary
childhood a kid could have.
So you're telling me I never used
the toilet that Elvis died on?
I mean, I still
brag about that!
Shh. It's okay, Jimmy. It's okay.
It's all water under the Brooklyn Bridge.
Which we now know
you never actually saw.
The important thing is that
we're gonna work harder for Hope.
We worked pretty hard.
I just mean we're gonna take her
on a real vacation.
Oh. A "real" vacation.
Good luck with that on two
grocery baggers' salaries.
Ah.
It doesn't have to be fancy,
as long as we're together.
- And awake.
- It's not worth it.
Family vacations just get
everybody out of sync.
She's right.
It's nothing but driving and sunburns
and a whole lot of fighting.
How would you know?
You never took us anywhere.
- See? We're already fighting.
- Pretty soon we're gonna be sunburned.
Maybe we didn't
give Jimmy real vacations.
But we gave him
real memories.
And that's all kids remember
from vacations anyway...
Is memories.
And now all Jimmy's memories are ruined.
Thank you, Helen Keller.
I don't think that's
who you think it is.
- Yeah, the girl detective.
- You're thinking of Amelia Earhart.
Nancy Drew.
You're thinking of Nancy Drew.
- Doesn't ring a bell.
- It's not important.
The fact is, Jimmy was happy,
well-traveled and ignorant,
and you just took away
two of those things.
I hate to think
your mother is right,
but all the vacations in here
cost thousands of dollars.
Have you looked
into a Cougar Cruise?
It's three nights on the Caribbean.
It's pretty wild.
Frank, we're trying to plan a family
vacation, not have sex with older women.
No, these are actual
live cougars.
You sail the high seas
with them.
It's loosely based off that
hilarious movie Life of Pi.
But it is a cruise,
so... there are a lot of older women,
if you're into that.
Check this out.
I mean, it's no cougar cruise,
but at least it's still a boat trip.
- "Travel and Make Money."
- Oh, that sounds cool.
You know what else is cool?
Not talking about the awesome
trips you're gonna take
in front of someone
you haven't invited.
Yet.
Guess what.
You guys were wrong.
Sabrina found us
a great vacation.
- Shh.
- Shh.
Can't you see we're
doing a teeth cleaning?
If you startle Maw Maw awake,
one of us could lose a finger.
Hey, look.
It's the little iron
from the Monopoly set.
We haven't played
in over a year.
We should really
floss her more often.
We came over here to invite you guys
on a real family vacation.
One that will take place outside
of an alley and nowhere near a dumpster.
Let me check my calendar.
- Pass.
- BURT: You guys have fun.
We got our paradise
right here.
Look, it's a game
board bonanza.
Think I found
Colonel Mustard's candlestick.
No. That's just a filling.
JIMMY: You guys sure you don't want
to go on this vacation with us?
Look, this rich
Vanderklam family
is paying us 500 bucks
to go sail their boat
down the river to
the Fulton Marina.
SABRINA:
Then we're gonna use that money
on two nights at a hotel and
train tickets back to Natesville.
- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Boat sex?
Excuse me? Did you
just say "boat sex"?
We've got this whole "transportation
sex" checklist we're plowing through.
Ooh, a plow!
- Is that even on the list?
- It is now. (chuckles)
This all started years ago when
your mom and I snuck a ride on a bus.
We should wait for a bumpy
section of highway
and let the road
do all the work.
You're so smart.
Thanks, Dale.
(whooping)
(both laugh)
Well, uh...
I was hoping that you'd want to come
with to be part of our family memories.
Oh, definitely.
We're in.
We are gonna have front-row seats
for this vacation disaster.
Okay, that's it.
Get the pickle.
(Maw Maw snoring)
Oh...
That's how Paw Paw
used to wake me up.
Of course, his pickle was smaller
and smelled a lot worse.
Hi.
Uh, we're here to take the Vanderklams'
boat to the Fulton Marina.
(laughs): Oh... I like how
you dressed the part.
It's not often you see
folks get so decked out
just to tow a boat
down the highway.
We're towing it?
We... Are you kidding me?
I thought we were gonna
take it out on the water.
And I thought Jimmy Buffett
was a good role model.
Have a great trip.
Aw, man.
Bet carsick medicine
sounds real good now.
VIRGINIA: You two just give the signal
and it's nighty-night juice all around.
Now, on the flyer, the boat is
clearly not on a trailer.
It's highly misleading.
Well, nothing like this ever happened
when we took Jimmy on vacations.
Nothing happened because being
unconscious is not a vacation.
I beg to differ.
Now, it looks like there's a Stuffed
Animal Museum right on the way,
and that'd be
a great memory for Hope.
Burt and I will ride on the boat.
Just to give you two some privacy.
I'll grab the champagne and the boombox
out of the back of the car, we'll set sail.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. No, no.
No one is allowed in the boat.
- Didn't you read the contract?
- Oh, yeah, I read every word.
That's why my daughter's wearing
a snorkel on a road trip.
Is there anything else
I might've missed?
If you don't get the boat there by
4:00 p.m., you forfeit half the money.
(snorts)
Right. So that means
we had to leave, what?
30 minutes ago?
- Everyone get in the car.
- Go, go, go, go, go!
Sorry, sorry, sorry.
Sorry.
Can we please stop the car, Sabrina?
We've been holding it for five hours.
We're supposed
to be holding it?
- That's news to me.
- Me, too.
We're gonna stop
at the next gas station.
That's what you said about
the last five gas stations.
The next gas station that has room
for a boat to go in and out of it.
Just hang in there. It looks like
there's one coming up in about a mile.
Hey, the Stuffed Animal Museum's
coming up in about a mile.
We're gonna be
stopped right by it.
Okay, Jimmy, delivering the
boat is our priority right now.
Just wanted to make sure you
didn't forget about the museum.
It's hard to forget about it
when you mention it ten times.
Sounds like somebody's getting
a little out of sync.
JIMMY and SABRINA:
We're not out of sync!
Please don't say "sink."
Or the name of anything else
I have ever peed in.
Go quickly.
We only have ten minutes.
Okay. Come on.
What...?
Where the hell
is the car?
Hey, between
you and me?
This vacation's starting
to get interesting.
Wha...? What?
This doesn't make
any sense.
Why would somebody take the car
but leave the boat?
Because nobody wants
to tow a boat?
Nothing like this ever happened
to us at Rip Mountain.
MAW MAW:
It's a sign.
First we gather two
of every kind of animal.
Then we wait.
SABRINA:
Okay, I got this.
Jimmy, I just want you
to take Hope and Maw Maw
and go into
the Stuffed Animal Museum, okay?
I'm gonna call the cops.
Don't worry, everybody.
There's still plenty of time to make
some happy family memories, okay?
Our car was just stolen.
I don't want to leave you
on your own to deal with this.
Jimmy...
we came here to have fun,
and we are gonna
have fun, damn it.
So take the kid and take
the crazy old lady,
and go in there and make
some happy memories!
Okay?
All right.
Let's go make some memories!
Let's make
some memories.
Watch the boat.
What are you doing?
No punk car thief is gonna
take down my vacation.
If I'm not back in five minutes,
forward my mail to Hell.
I'm just kidding. If I'm not back in
five minutes, please call an ambulance.
I tried to warn her.
Vacations are a disaster.
Hey, we have that boat
all to ourselves.
She said watch the boat. Didn't say
watch it from outside. (chuckles)
Come on... whoa!
Uh...
Good enough for Jimmy's crib,
good enough for a boat.
OLD MAN: Welcome to
the Stuffed Animal Museum.
A menagerie of wonders and
merriment for all ages.
All right, well, one adult, one child
and one senior, please.
Oh...
- Seniors are free.
- Of course.
'Cause we're not
real people anymore,
just clothes
and skin holding in farts.
Aren't you delightful!
You don't look
a day over 85.
Likewise.
Once you've gone
through the tour,
why don't we just, uh,
take our teeth out
and see what happens.
(both laughing)
Not to interrupt
this disgusting interaction,
but my four-year-old is real anxious
to go see the stuffed animals.
I believe
you mean to say "excited."
"Anxious" means
"filled with anxiety."
These kids today and
their grammar.
Okay, once inside, just follow
the yellow paw prints on the
floor to guide you through.
(clicks tongue)
- Enjoy.
- All right.
We're gonna go through...
You ready, Hope?
This is gonna be awesome.
(Jimmy shrieks)
Not the cute
kind of stuffed animals!
Not cute!
(grunting)
It won't spin this way.
Help!
There's been some kind of
misunderstanding.
Would you let us out!
(amplified): Please follow
the yellow paw prints.
Thank you and enjoy.
(whimpering) Maw Maw, help me
get Hope out of here.
Shh! I'm in a staring
contest with this owl.
(rock music blaring over radio)
Hey...
(grunting)
I came here to deliver a boat
and have a nice vacation.
And right now,
I'm all out of vacation.
What does that even mean?
(laughs)
(groans)
(spits)
(wolf howling over P.A.)
It's okay, Hope.
We're just playing a long,
creepy game of peek-a-boo.
(Jimmy gasps, whimpers)
I am gonna write a very negative
online review of your museum!
(amplified):
Go ahead, I'll delete it.
Well, then
I'll write another one!
(amplified):
Then I'll delete that one, too.
(Jimmy whimpers)
Fine! Then I'll probably
give up at that point.
But I'll still be very upset!
(screaming)
(screaming)
Jimmy!
Get this guy's card.
He's good.
I was thinking cremation,
but if he can make this old bat look
good, imagine what he could do for me.
(plastic squeaking,
Virginia moaning)
Ah...
Burt, what's going on?
I think I'm having
a little problem.
Do we have to get those pills
where we sit in bathtubs in a field?
No, I think I'm just distracted by these
pictures of this family on vacation.
I'm wondering if we could've
done better for Jimmy.
Burt, these people
are "boat rich."
Of course they had
fancy vacations.
But they're not
all fancy vacations.
They went hiking,
they went to the beach.
They went fishing
at Natesville Lake.
That's closer to our house than
the dumpster behind the photo studio.
(scoffs) Next you're gonna say
you think Sabrina was right.
No, no, no, no.
No! (laughing)
No.
Maybe.
Maybe?
Not a definite maybe.
A maybe-ish maybe.
So...
You're saying I'm wrong?
Maybe?
Maybe you're saying that,
or maybe I'm wrong?
Or...
Maybe you're the most beautiful
woman I have ever seen.
Maybe you should have
boat sex by yourself.
No, Virginia, I've already
done that on a boat.
Come on! Virginia!
Virginia, wait!
(car tires screeching)
I got the car back.
You guys... what
are you doing?
Look who saved the day chasing
thieves on her stolen motorcycle.
Little Miss
Right About Everything.
I never said
she was right about everything.
For God's sake,
she married Jimmy.
This is officially
the worst vacation ever.
SABRINA:
Excuse me?
I have done absolutely
everything I can do
to give this family something
that they've never had before.
- A stolen motorcycle?
- No. A vacation.
- You stole a motorcycle?
- To get the car back.
Jimmy, it was
a selfless act of heroism
so you could enjoy your time
at the teddy bear museum.
They were not teddy bears.
They were stuffed animals.
Real animals. Eating other animals.
Hope's going to be scarred for life.
I pilfered this antelope,
so the day wasn't a total loss.
You're right, Burt,
we messed up.
When Jimmy was a kid, we should
have taken him on vacation,
stolen a motorcycle and gone
to the museum of nightmares.
Those would've been way better vacation
memories than we ever gave him.
It's not about
what we gave Jimmy.
We did the best we could
with what we had.
I can live with that.
But they could do better with
Hope if we're on their side,
not rooting against them.
JIMMY: ...a motorcycle ride
would've been fun.
SABRINA:
You know what, you guys?
Let's just hitch up the boat and drop
it off, then we can all just go home.
Hey, Jimmy, I always
suspected you fancied boys,
but when did you start
advertising it?
What are you talking about?
Your bumper sticker says,
"I'd rather be spelunking."
This is not our car.
(siren whoops,
police radio chatter)
(gasps)
Which one of you assaulted
this man and stole his vehicle?
- What?
- Hold this for me.
No reason both of us
have to go to jail.
Look, honestly,
it's-it's such an easy mistake.
- Our-our cars are the exact same color...
- She assaulted me!
Do you know how
swollen my testicles are?
We'll never know
unless you show us.
That psycho from the Stuffed Animal
Museum is the real criminal!
Those deviants didn't even
follow the yellow paw prints!
They went right out
the fire exit!
- You cuff 'em, I'll stuff 'em!
- Everybody quiet down.
- Put your hands behind your back, miss.
- You're arresting me?
Look, my only crime
is caring too much.
I mean, sure, assault and Grand Theft
Auto, but mostly just caring too much.
Look, I just really wanted to give
my daughter a fun vacation memory.
VIRGINIA: If you're gonna arrest her,
you're gonna have to arrest me, too.
- Why?
- She wouldn't have had to do any of this
if I just tried harder to give
my granddaughter a real vacation.
Well, if that little cutie is your
granddaughter, you're missing it.
Hey, Gram!
I'm driving a boat.
Hope!
Please, can you just wait
one second to arrest me?
I just... I really want
to get this on video.
Okay. Stay there.
Come on, Hope,
let's make a memor... (screams)
Oh, yeah. Same thing
happened with Jimmy's crib.
- Oh. Am I in jail?
- No...
You hit your head;
you're in the hospital.
BURT: Good news is, when
they saw you flopping around
on the ground like a fish out of water,
they felt too bad to press charges.
Oh, that's good news.
Oh, on the flip side, I just gave
Hope the worst vacation ever.
- I don't think she feels that way.
- Look at this.
(laughing)
You put me up on the boat
while I was unconscious?
Hey, I mean, you planned
the whole thing.
We weren't gonna leave
you out of the videos.
And holding you upright kept you
from swallowing your tongue
till the ambulance got there.
Check these out.
Catfish!
Whoa! Catch it!
Whoa!
Oh...
(laughs) Whoa!
Eh? That's good, right?
Oh, I'm glad Hope
had a good time.
Virginia, you were so right.
Having a real vacation is
more trouble than it's worth.
Well, this trip was awful.
This was more of a crime
spree than a trip.
But next year, we could do better
if we all work together.
And who knows, maybe someday
the Chances will take a vacation
where one of us isn't
passed out in every picture.
I would really like that.
But no more boats.
Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow! Aah!
Jimmy, how did
I get so sunburned?
I may have forgotten
to put your sunscreen on.
(groans)
Hey... I'm proud of you.
I know how hard it is for you
to admit you're wrong.
- No, it isn't.
- I totally agree.
- Too bad there's no boat here.
- Oh, that's okay.
Plenty of other vehicles
in the sea.
Let's go! We have a spelunker
with a ruptured testicle!
(gentle classical music playing)
It's so nice to dance with something
that still has a pulse.
Dinner was lovely.
The chicken was delicious!
That's because
it wasn't chicken.
It was meerkat.