Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 2 - Burt Bucks - full transcript
Burt and Virginia introduce Natesville to a new bartering system called "Burt Bucks," that looks an awful lot like a pyramid scheme.
Virginia? Virginia? Virginia?
Guess how I got this.
Ooh, I love this game!
Jimmy:
"guess how I got this"
was a game
My parents had been playing
for years.
Guess how I got this.
Guess how I got this.
(water gurgling)
Guess how I got this.
(groans)
Guess how I got this.
Mm, mm.
(gasping)
Jimmy:
I don't want to brag, but I was
Sort of the inspiration
for this game.
Guess how I got this.
I'm gonna guess that sarah
mclachlan freed all the lobsters
From the seafood
shack again.
Nope.
You won a bet with
the governor of maine.
Sabrina, main street
doesn't have a governor.
You got to think
before you guess.
You know, you guys
are ruining this game.
Where'd you get
the lobster, burt?
Tyler couldn't pay me
for mowing his lawn,
So he gave me
this little fella.
Wow, burt, I think you got
The better end
of that deal.
Yeah.
We could never afford
lobsters at the store.
I know! Tyler says
supermarkets have to overcharge
Because of all the middlemen
they have to pay.
The delivery guy, the ice guy,
Those useless baggers
and checkers.
Oh, I hate those guys.
Jimmy, we are those guys.
Virginia:
You should make this
A regular thing
with tyler.
I'm gonna.
But I was thinking,
why stop with lobster?
This could be huge.
Think of the other things
I could trade for.
Crabs, shrimp, mollusks.
No. Think bigger.
I don't know. Oysters.
Um, uh... Pelicans!
Even bigger.
We could both trade
services for stuff.
We'd be doing
the same amount of work,
But enjoying a much bigger
return on the cool stuff.
That sounds great!
You guys should find some
tradable skills and join us.
Must be something
you're good at.
I've gotten really good at
avoiding ridiculous ideas,
Which is why we're
gonna bow out.
Plus, we have barney's
first aid class tomorrow.
First aid class?
What do you need that for?
Yeah, first aid is just
a scam dreamed up
By the gauze
and bandage people.
Or a proven life saver.
Yeah, and since hope spends
so much time here, we think
You guys ought to check out
the class, too, for hope's sake.
Jimmy, kids get
hurt-- they scrape
Their elbows, they cut their
finger, they fall through
A hole in the
bottom of your car.
Nothing you can do
to avoid it.
Besides, we got
A perfectly good
first aid kit right here.
See? La-la!
"shoot flare, eat sandwich,
wait for help."
I don't know.
Maybe they're right.
Maybe we should just
skip the class and...
Jimmy.
Oh, my.
(pop)
(gasps)
(flare squealing)
(groaning)
Oh, the years have not been kind
to this turkey salad sandwich.
♪ whoo
♪ here we go, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh! ♪
Jimmy: The next day, my parents
put their bartering plan
Into action,
and it actually worked.
They got things
they needed.
They got things
they didn't need.
And they got things
that were long overdue.
Rinse.
Jimmy: Most importantly,
they got things
They had always dreamt about.
Oh, if we have maple syrup
this incredible here,
Why do we even
talk to canada?
Oh, man.
Barb, what you're doing
right now is actually
Making me look forward
to cleaning your drain hair.
Ah.
Hey, virginia,
check out my new lid.
Ooh.
Old lady stevens made this for
me for cleaning out her pool.
This bartering thing--
it's the greatest thing ever.
I know. Massages, lobsters,
Crocheted hats.
It's like we're barter-aires!
I was thinking.
What if the people
Who are trading with us
started trading with each other?
Yeah. Natesville would become
a place where the good things
In life actually trickle up to
the people who do all the work.
A trickle-up economy.
I think that's a thing.
Mm.
No.
I'm thinking tickle me elmo.
You all may wonder why I'm
qualified to teach this class.
Well, I learned a thing or two
from the trusty scouts.
They would often administer
first aid
After they beat
the tarnation out of me.
I suppose I was
an easy target.
Overweight,
asthmatic,
Anemic and wildly
color blind.
You're late.
Is everything all right?
I just got this
postcard from my mother.
"wish you were here."
Oh, she's being nice
this time.
Yeah. Turn it over.
"because
forehead reduction surgery
Is super cheap in ecuador.
Love, tams."
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Yeah. Really, I
should be flattered.
I mean, even in
tropical paradise,
She's thinking
about my flaws.
Unfortunately,
I took six brutal beatings
Before I learned there was
no merit badge for cruelty,
And I'd been letting the scouts
pummel me for no real reason.
Hey, everybody.
Check out my big cans.
(laughter)
You all remember josh. He's back
after a couple years away.
(coughing):
Seal team six.
Josh is amazing
with grocery humor.
He does a similar joke
with jugs.
Jimmy:
Once my parents had gathered
all of natesville's
Skilled workers, they attempted
to lay out the plan.
It took a while for some
of them to understand.
Hi. My name's phil,
and I'm an alcoholic.
All:
Hi, phil.
Phil, for the second time,
That's not why we're here.
Oh.
For the past
few days,
Virginia and I have
enjoyed a lifestyle
That previously
was beyond our reach.
How dwe do it, burt?
Through barter.
Oh.
In fact, after only
a few hours of lawn work,
I was able to trade for
something that was heretofore
Only available
to tycoons and walruses.
All:
Oh.
What is it?
Well, look
Under your chairs
and find out!
(all murmuring)
Is that a lobster?
(all murmuring)
That's right.
You get a lobster!
You get a lobster!
You get a lobster!
(screaming and crying)
No!
(crying)
Make it stop!
Sorry about the
paper towel.
I don't believe in gauze.
The thing
we're trying to say is,
I was able to trade
for all these lobsters
Because we cut out
the middleman.
I didn't have to pay
The delivery guy,
Or the claw-rubberbanderer guy.
Sorry again, barb.
And we're
Inviting you
to do the same thing,
And not just with us,
but with each other.
Because the more people
that are involved,
The more people benefit.
And again, this is not
a pyramid scheme.
Although if you make pyramids,
You're welcome
to join our scheme.
Uh, I mean, system.
So, are you saying
I can trade
old lady stevens lobsters
For a crocheted suit
in a 42 slim?
Oh, honey, that's
not gonna work.
I'm allergic
to crustaceans.
That's easy. (laughs)
I mow your lawn,
You give tyler the suit,
Tyler gives me the lobsters.
Again,
I can't stress enough,
This is not a pyramid scheme.
And clara barton said,
"you know what? I will."
(yawning)
And that, I think,
covers the origins of first aid.
Oh, I can't believe that took
an hour and 45 minutes.
Oh, well, let's move
quickly to choking.
Now, here are the most common
choking hazards.
Finally, some food.
I'm starving.
(groans)
jimmy? Jimmy? Jimmy?
I think james is
really choking!
Okay, nobody panic.
(indistinct chatter
and gasping)
Has anyone here ever
actually done the heimlich?
Yes.
I've only ever done it
with my special body pillow.
(other murmuring)
Oh, it's no use.
My hands are slipping!
Damn my vain compulsion
to moisturize!
My hands are beautiful,
but useless!
(sabrina grunts)
Oh.
Josh:
Oh,
My god. Jimmy's wife
Just saved his life.
What a wuss!
Hey, jimmy, what's next?
Are you gonna start
peeing sitting down?
(laughter)
Okay, you know what?
Can you just cut it out, josh?
Okay, okay, calm down.
They're not gonna kill him.
They're jokes,
Not grapes.
(laughter)
(laughing loudly)
I apologize, jimmy.
If I don't laugh
along with his jokes,
He'll start making
fun of me again.
As you know, I'm a veritable
minefield of mockable traits.
It's all right, frank.
Yo, frank, you coming?
Yeah. I was just pointing jimmy
towards the sanitary napkins.
(laughter)
(whispering):
I'm so sorry.
Hey, are you okay?
Hey, you know, I'm not a baby,
sabrina, all right?
I-I can take care of myself.
What was that all about?
I'm afraid you saved his life,
But in the process,
you may have killed his manhood.
Well, he was choking.
What was I supposed to do?
Well, you could have waited for
the professionals to show up.
It's not like
a few less brain cells
Is gonna cost him a pulitzer.
Oh, okay, so,
I should just wait for him
To choke in public again,
and then not save him?
Oh, that could take days,
And I don't think
he's got that kind of time.
You've got to help him get
his masculinity back.
How am I supposed to do that?
Why are you asking me?
I have two mothers, no wife,
And those scouts who used
to beat me up... Were girls.
(knocking)
We've got
a problem, burt.
I gave barb a lobster,
but she only massaged
The left side
of my body.
It only took me one to realize
I don't really like lobster.
Turns out, I just really like
melted butter.
But now my left side
Is relaxed, and my right side
is tense as hell.
Okay, we can figure this out.
Burt, look at this.
I totally get it.
You're a mechanic
with a spare tire.
Apparently,
an oil change
Is only worth
half a sweater now.
Knitting a sweater
takes a long time.
Just be happy
it covers your man boobs.
At least
they're not bouncing
Off my knees, you
useless bag of wrinkles.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
We can work
this out.
First, phil,
apologize to your mother.
Jimmy:
Unfortunately, there were more
than a few people
That had a problem
with mom and dad's plan.
So they brought everyone
together
And tried to figure things out.
Okay, so if tyler gives
two lobsters to barb,
And barb gives a third
of a massage to dr. Conway,
And dr. Conway cleans four
Of pam, the fortune teller's
teeth...
Right, and she
gives half
Of next week's lottery
numbers to phil,
Phil fixes syrup
sam's truck
In exchange for six pancakes
Worth of syrup to
old lady stevens.
Who makes a crocheted
hat for...
Wait. Who needs
a crocheted hat?
Our micro economic group may be
experiencing a hat bubble.
Maybe we don't have to trade
One particular service
for another?
Maybe there's something
we can create
That represents
the value of services rendered.
Like colored beads
or a piece of paper.
Paper's a good idea.
That's pretty cool.
But to make it
even more official...
We should put
someone's face on it!
(quiet ooh-ing and ah-ing)
Now, who could that be?
♪
Jimmy:
To bring their barter system
to the next level,
My parents went down
to lee's copy shop
And had him print up
hundreds of burt bucks.
♪
There's plenty
to go around.
Trust me, this'll make
everything easier.
They come in threes,
sevens and 11's.
Those are burt's
lucky numbers.
No...
You are.
Oh, that's good.
(clattering)
sabrina (calls):
Jimmy! Jimmy, help!
(gasps):
Oh! I'll catch you!
(grunts)
Oh, my god!
(muffled rock music
through headphones)
Hey, frank! Stop!
Frank! Stop!
(groans)
(sabrina grunts)
Oh!
Oh, my god.
Ha! Classic!
Congratulations, jimmy.
You're about
to go from being
The biggest idiot
in the store
To the biggest
on the internet.
No, you are!
Well done, james.
You're a hero.
If you hadn't caught
the dangling sabrina,
She may have... Broken a log.
Wait, that doesn't
Make any sense.
Oh. A leg.
Or...
Cut off her head?
Wait a minute.
You guys faked this?
Bet that's not the only thing
she has to fake.
(frank chuckles)
Sorry, I thought josh
was still here.
Well, I'm off to my mani-pedi.
Can you spot me
a few burt bucks?
No. I spent my last ones
on a crochet lesson
From old lady stevens,
so I can make this
Toilet seat cozy.
Ooh, that's gonna be great
in winter, but if you're out
Of burt bucks and I'm out
Of burt bucks,
then we got a problem.
I guess you're just gonna have
to mow more lawns
And I'm gonna have
to clean more houses.
But my mani-pedi's today.
I've got so many paper cuts from
handling all those burt bucks,
I'm getting a hot
paraffin wax dip.
I can't miss that,
virginia, I just can't.
Doesn't seem fair.
If there's anyone
Who should never run out
of burt bucks, it's burt.
There's got
to be a way
We can bail ourselves
out of this.
What if we just print ourselves
some extra burt bucks?
I mean, that's good
for everyone,
Because the more we spend,
The more everyone else
will have to spend.
I'm no warren "buffet,"
But I bet that's just
the thing to stimulate
our bartering economy.
Reading those money magazines
while you're on the can
In the fancy houses you clean
is really paying off.
♪
♪ I've got the brains
♪ and you've got the looks
♪ let's make lots of money
♪ you've got the brawn
♪ I've got the brains
♪ let's make lots of
♪ I've had enough of scheming
♪ and messing around
with jerks ♪
♪ my car is parked outside
♪ I'm afraid it doesn't work
♪ I'm looking for a partner
♪ someone who
gets things fixed ♪
♪ ask yourself this question
♪ do you want to be rich?
♪ let's ♪
♪ I've got the brains
♪ make ♪
♪ you've got the looks
♪ let's make lots of money
♪ money ♪
♪ let's ♪
♪ you've got the brawn
♪ make ♪
♪ I've got the brains
♪ let's make lots of money...
Oil change is done.
Change it again!
(whooping)
(both panting)
That was amazing.
Yeah. Now that we've made
sweet love on paper money,
It's gonna be really hard
to go back to coins.
(gasps)
(gasps)
I can't believe this.
I'm all over the internet.
I've got 58 views,
And every time I check it,
it gets higher.
Look at this! 59!
How many times have
you checked it?
I don't know, 50, 55.
I don't want to be dramatic,
about this, but...
Sometimes I wish you
had just let me die
in that first aid class.
(sighs)
(clattering)
jimmy, look...
What was that?
I think there's
somebody in the garage.
Really? Your little stunt in
the grocery store wasn't enough?
(gasps)
Oh, come on.
No.
A masked burglar?
I mean, what...
What is this,
Scooby-doo?
Jimmy, I...
Josh?
How could you hire the guy
Who makes
the most fun of me
To make me feel even worse
about myself?
I did not hire him.
I think he's actually
trying to rob us.
Oh, yeah, like
I'm supposed to believe
That this
is real.
(gasps)
jimmy!
(grunts)
(gasps)
Why does this
keep happening?
Um...
You... Should
be ashamed.
What would
your brothers
At seal team six
Have to say about this?
Probably, "who's josh?"
Because I was
Obviously lying about that.
I was in prison, you idiots.
So you just got out of prison
And you're already
trying to rob us?
Big house, tiny wife,
wimpy husband--
It's what every
home invader dreams of.
Oh, great. Now the police
and everyone in town
Are gonna know that
you saved me one more time.
I'm never gonna be able
to live this down.
Jimmy, we could
just tell everybody
That you saved me, okay?
Who's gonna know?
I'll know.
I'll know, too.
You know what?
Maybe a little duct tape
Is gonna shut you up...
In about...
Eh...
Yah!
Jimmy, wha...
What is this?
Oh, those?
Uh... That's...
That's nothing.
I'll-I'll get those.
Wait,
But these are all addressed
to me-- why haven't I seen them?
Maybe hope put them in here--
you know that she likes
To play mailman and hoarder.
It's more of those postcards
from my mom.
What are they doing out here?
I always, um, hide them in here
before you see them,
Because I know
how much they upset you.
I'm sorry.
What was that for?
Because you committed
A federal crime
to protect my feelings.
Oh, jimmy, don't you see?
I may have saved you
a couple times, but...
You save me every day.
I miss my prison husband.
What?
Nothin'.
Mmm!
Burt, we've done it!
We are livin' the good life.
And even though I haven't eaten
anything but lobster, butter
And maple syrup for
the last three days, I
have never felt better.
You know, I was thinking,
While lobster
is pretty damn good,
What does tracetown have
that natesville doesn't?
Reading level
of a third grade country.
No, something we don't have:
Delicious ribs.
Mmm.
It's time to expand
Our system,
bring other towns in.
Which would mean more
goods and services.
And not just ribs.
We could get pies.
Or a dermatologist.
(gasps)
a guy who makes keys.
Hey, chances.
Hey, tyler.
Lookin' sharp!
Pour yourself a glass
of maple syrup.
Oh, I'm good.
Uh, let me ask you,
You didn't print up
any extra burt bucks, did you?
We're not saying we did,
But we did...
Why would that be a problem?
I had a feeling.
You flooded the market.
You're welcome.
It's not good.
I sold my last lobster
For 4,000 burt bucks.
Didn't you learn anything
From the hyper-inflation fiasco
in zimbabwe?
We didn't do it the zim-bob-way,
we did it our way.
(chuckles)
tyler:
I'm sorry, guys,
Burt bucks are worthless;
I can't accept them anymore.
See you around.
Well, that's
just one guy.
It shouldn't matter.
System's too big--
It can't fail.
(chuckles)
Jimmy:
But it wasn't just one guy,
And it only took a couple hours
for the entire system to fail.
Once lobster was out,
big syrup fell,
And then the entire
crochet industry unraveled.
Pretty soon, my parents
were left holding the bag...
Or, in this case,
several wheelbarrows
Filled with worthless paper.
I guess if you think
about this purely in
terms of wheelbarrows,
We came out
way ahead.
And...
Nobody really got hurt.
True.
Lee (calls):
Hello?
Oh, hello!
Mr. Lee? What are
you doing here?
Well, I need to get paid
for the printing.
No problem.
Can I pay you in burt bucks?
(laughs)
that's very funny!
What can I do
with all the play money?
I can't pay rent,
I can't buy ink,
And it's far too rough
for toilet paper.
You need to take
care of this.
(clears throat)
okay.
Uh-huh.
Interesting. Mm-hmm.
Let me ask you this.
Do you take wheelbarrows?
Mom and dad's bartering system
finally worked...
Just not how they planned.
They lived the high life
for one week,
But it cost them 50,000 hours
of landscaping and cleaning.
Burt, when you're done,
there are more hedges
behind the building.
Nice!
Well, on the bright side, this
won't be our problem forever.
After we're gone, our children
and our children's children
Will be paying off our debts
to the chinese printer.
Well, it's a good thing
people smarter than us
Are running the
real government.
Boy: We did it, buddy!
Guess how I got this.
Ooh, I love this game!
Jimmy:
"guess how I got this"
was a game
My parents had been playing
for years.
Guess how I got this.
Guess how I got this.
(water gurgling)
Guess how I got this.
(groans)
Guess how I got this.
Mm, mm.
(gasping)
Jimmy:
I don't want to brag, but I was
Sort of the inspiration
for this game.
Guess how I got this.
I'm gonna guess that sarah
mclachlan freed all the lobsters
From the seafood
shack again.
Nope.
You won a bet with
the governor of maine.
Sabrina, main street
doesn't have a governor.
You got to think
before you guess.
You know, you guys
are ruining this game.
Where'd you get
the lobster, burt?
Tyler couldn't pay me
for mowing his lawn,
So he gave me
this little fella.
Wow, burt, I think you got
The better end
of that deal.
Yeah.
We could never afford
lobsters at the store.
I know! Tyler says
supermarkets have to overcharge
Because of all the middlemen
they have to pay.
The delivery guy, the ice guy,
Those useless baggers
and checkers.
Oh, I hate those guys.
Jimmy, we are those guys.
Virginia:
You should make this
A regular thing
with tyler.
I'm gonna.
But I was thinking,
why stop with lobster?
This could be huge.
Think of the other things
I could trade for.
Crabs, shrimp, mollusks.
No. Think bigger.
I don't know. Oysters.
Um, uh... Pelicans!
Even bigger.
We could both trade
services for stuff.
We'd be doing
the same amount of work,
But enjoying a much bigger
return on the cool stuff.
That sounds great!
You guys should find some
tradable skills and join us.
Must be something
you're good at.
I've gotten really good at
avoiding ridiculous ideas,
Which is why we're
gonna bow out.
Plus, we have barney's
first aid class tomorrow.
First aid class?
What do you need that for?
Yeah, first aid is just
a scam dreamed up
By the gauze
and bandage people.
Or a proven life saver.
Yeah, and since hope spends
so much time here, we think
You guys ought to check out
the class, too, for hope's sake.
Jimmy, kids get
hurt-- they scrape
Their elbows, they cut their
finger, they fall through
A hole in the
bottom of your car.
Nothing you can do
to avoid it.
Besides, we got
A perfectly good
first aid kit right here.
See? La-la!
"shoot flare, eat sandwich,
wait for help."
I don't know.
Maybe they're right.
Maybe we should just
skip the class and...
Jimmy.
Oh, my.
(pop)
(gasps)
(flare squealing)
(groaning)
Oh, the years have not been kind
to this turkey salad sandwich.
♪ whoo
♪ here we go, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh! ♪
Jimmy: The next day, my parents
put their bartering plan
Into action,
and it actually worked.
They got things
they needed.
They got things
they didn't need.
And they got things
that were long overdue.
Rinse.
Jimmy: Most importantly,
they got things
They had always dreamt about.
Oh, if we have maple syrup
this incredible here,
Why do we even
talk to canada?
Oh, man.
Barb, what you're doing
right now is actually
Making me look forward
to cleaning your drain hair.
Ah.
Hey, virginia,
check out my new lid.
Ooh.
Old lady stevens made this for
me for cleaning out her pool.
This bartering thing--
it's the greatest thing ever.
I know. Massages, lobsters,
Crocheted hats.
It's like we're barter-aires!
I was thinking.
What if the people
Who are trading with us
started trading with each other?
Yeah. Natesville would become
a place where the good things
In life actually trickle up to
the people who do all the work.
A trickle-up economy.
I think that's a thing.
Mm.
No.
I'm thinking tickle me elmo.
You all may wonder why I'm
qualified to teach this class.
Well, I learned a thing or two
from the trusty scouts.
They would often administer
first aid
After they beat
the tarnation out of me.
I suppose I was
an easy target.
Overweight,
asthmatic,
Anemic and wildly
color blind.
You're late.
Is everything all right?
I just got this
postcard from my mother.
"wish you were here."
Oh, she's being nice
this time.
Yeah. Turn it over.
"because
forehead reduction surgery
Is super cheap in ecuador.
Love, tams."
Oh, I'm sorry, sweetie.
Yeah. Really, I
should be flattered.
I mean, even in
tropical paradise,
She's thinking
about my flaws.
Unfortunately,
I took six brutal beatings
Before I learned there was
no merit badge for cruelty,
And I'd been letting the scouts
pummel me for no real reason.
Hey, everybody.
Check out my big cans.
(laughter)
You all remember josh. He's back
after a couple years away.
(coughing):
Seal team six.
Josh is amazing
with grocery humor.
He does a similar joke
with jugs.
Jimmy:
Once my parents had gathered
all of natesville's
Skilled workers, they attempted
to lay out the plan.
It took a while for some
of them to understand.
Hi. My name's phil,
and I'm an alcoholic.
All:
Hi, phil.
Phil, for the second time,
That's not why we're here.
Oh.
For the past
few days,
Virginia and I have
enjoyed a lifestyle
That previously
was beyond our reach.
How dwe do it, burt?
Through barter.
Oh.
In fact, after only
a few hours of lawn work,
I was able to trade for
something that was heretofore
Only available
to tycoons and walruses.
All:
Oh.
What is it?
Well, look
Under your chairs
and find out!
(all murmuring)
Is that a lobster?
(all murmuring)
That's right.
You get a lobster!
You get a lobster!
You get a lobster!
(screaming and crying)
No!
(crying)
Make it stop!
Sorry about the
paper towel.
I don't believe in gauze.
The thing
we're trying to say is,
I was able to trade
for all these lobsters
Because we cut out
the middleman.
I didn't have to pay
The delivery guy,
Or the claw-rubberbanderer guy.
Sorry again, barb.
And we're
Inviting you
to do the same thing,
And not just with us,
but with each other.
Because the more people
that are involved,
The more people benefit.
And again, this is not
a pyramid scheme.
Although if you make pyramids,
You're welcome
to join our scheme.
Uh, I mean, system.
So, are you saying
I can trade
old lady stevens lobsters
For a crocheted suit
in a 42 slim?
Oh, honey, that's
not gonna work.
I'm allergic
to crustaceans.
That's easy. (laughs)
I mow your lawn,
You give tyler the suit,
Tyler gives me the lobsters.
Again,
I can't stress enough,
This is not a pyramid scheme.
And clara barton said,
"you know what? I will."
(yawning)
And that, I think,
covers the origins of first aid.
Oh, I can't believe that took
an hour and 45 minutes.
Oh, well, let's move
quickly to choking.
Now, here are the most common
choking hazards.
Finally, some food.
I'm starving.
(groans)
jimmy? Jimmy? Jimmy?
I think james is
really choking!
Okay, nobody panic.
(indistinct chatter
and gasping)
Has anyone here ever
actually done the heimlich?
Yes.
I've only ever done it
with my special body pillow.
(other murmuring)
Oh, it's no use.
My hands are slipping!
Damn my vain compulsion
to moisturize!
My hands are beautiful,
but useless!
(sabrina grunts)
Oh.
Josh:
Oh,
My god. Jimmy's wife
Just saved his life.
What a wuss!
Hey, jimmy, what's next?
Are you gonna start
peeing sitting down?
(laughter)
Okay, you know what?
Can you just cut it out, josh?
Okay, okay, calm down.
They're not gonna kill him.
They're jokes,
Not grapes.
(laughter)
(laughing loudly)
I apologize, jimmy.
If I don't laugh
along with his jokes,
He'll start making
fun of me again.
As you know, I'm a veritable
minefield of mockable traits.
It's all right, frank.
Yo, frank, you coming?
Yeah. I was just pointing jimmy
towards the sanitary napkins.
(laughter)
(whispering):
I'm so sorry.
Hey, are you okay?
Hey, you know, I'm not a baby,
sabrina, all right?
I-I can take care of myself.
What was that all about?
I'm afraid you saved his life,
But in the process,
you may have killed his manhood.
Well, he was choking.
What was I supposed to do?
Well, you could have waited for
the professionals to show up.
It's not like
a few less brain cells
Is gonna cost him a pulitzer.
Oh, okay, so,
I should just wait for him
To choke in public again,
and then not save him?
Oh, that could take days,
And I don't think
he's got that kind of time.
You've got to help him get
his masculinity back.
How am I supposed to do that?
Why are you asking me?
I have two mothers, no wife,
And those scouts who used
to beat me up... Were girls.
(knocking)
We've got
a problem, burt.
I gave barb a lobster,
but she only massaged
The left side
of my body.
It only took me one to realize
I don't really like lobster.
Turns out, I just really like
melted butter.
But now my left side
Is relaxed, and my right side
is tense as hell.
Okay, we can figure this out.
Burt, look at this.
I totally get it.
You're a mechanic
with a spare tire.
Apparently,
an oil change
Is only worth
half a sweater now.
Knitting a sweater
takes a long time.
Just be happy
it covers your man boobs.
At least
they're not bouncing
Off my knees, you
useless bag of wrinkles.
Whoa, whoa, whoa!
We can work
this out.
First, phil,
apologize to your mother.
Jimmy:
Unfortunately, there were more
than a few people
That had a problem
with mom and dad's plan.
So they brought everyone
together
And tried to figure things out.
Okay, so if tyler gives
two lobsters to barb,
And barb gives a third
of a massage to dr. Conway,
And dr. Conway cleans four
Of pam, the fortune teller's
teeth...
Right, and she
gives half
Of next week's lottery
numbers to phil,
Phil fixes syrup
sam's truck
In exchange for six pancakes
Worth of syrup to
old lady stevens.
Who makes a crocheted
hat for...
Wait. Who needs
a crocheted hat?
Our micro economic group may be
experiencing a hat bubble.
Maybe we don't have to trade
One particular service
for another?
Maybe there's something
we can create
That represents
the value of services rendered.
Like colored beads
or a piece of paper.
Paper's a good idea.
That's pretty cool.
But to make it
even more official...
We should put
someone's face on it!
(quiet ooh-ing and ah-ing)
Now, who could that be?
♪
Jimmy:
To bring their barter system
to the next level,
My parents went down
to lee's copy shop
And had him print up
hundreds of burt bucks.
♪
There's plenty
to go around.
Trust me, this'll make
everything easier.
They come in threes,
sevens and 11's.
Those are burt's
lucky numbers.
No...
You are.
Oh, that's good.
(clattering)
sabrina (calls):
Jimmy! Jimmy, help!
(gasps):
Oh! I'll catch you!
(grunts)
Oh, my god!
(muffled rock music
through headphones)
Hey, frank! Stop!
Frank! Stop!
(groans)
(sabrina grunts)
Oh!
Oh, my god.
Ha! Classic!
Congratulations, jimmy.
You're about
to go from being
The biggest idiot
in the store
To the biggest
on the internet.
No, you are!
Well done, james.
You're a hero.
If you hadn't caught
the dangling sabrina,
She may have... Broken a log.
Wait, that doesn't
Make any sense.
Oh. A leg.
Or...
Cut off her head?
Wait a minute.
You guys faked this?
Bet that's not the only thing
she has to fake.
(frank chuckles)
Sorry, I thought josh
was still here.
Well, I'm off to my mani-pedi.
Can you spot me
a few burt bucks?
No. I spent my last ones
on a crochet lesson
From old lady stevens,
so I can make this
Toilet seat cozy.
Ooh, that's gonna be great
in winter, but if you're out
Of burt bucks and I'm out
Of burt bucks,
then we got a problem.
I guess you're just gonna have
to mow more lawns
And I'm gonna have
to clean more houses.
But my mani-pedi's today.
I've got so many paper cuts from
handling all those burt bucks,
I'm getting a hot
paraffin wax dip.
I can't miss that,
virginia, I just can't.
Doesn't seem fair.
If there's anyone
Who should never run out
of burt bucks, it's burt.
There's got
to be a way
We can bail ourselves
out of this.
What if we just print ourselves
some extra burt bucks?
I mean, that's good
for everyone,
Because the more we spend,
The more everyone else
will have to spend.
I'm no warren "buffet,"
But I bet that's just
the thing to stimulate
our bartering economy.
Reading those money magazines
while you're on the can
In the fancy houses you clean
is really paying off.
♪
♪ I've got the brains
♪ and you've got the looks
♪ let's make lots of money
♪ you've got the brawn
♪ I've got the brains
♪ let's make lots of
♪ I've had enough of scheming
♪ and messing around
with jerks ♪
♪ my car is parked outside
♪ I'm afraid it doesn't work
♪ I'm looking for a partner
♪ someone who
gets things fixed ♪
♪ ask yourself this question
♪ do you want to be rich?
♪ let's ♪
♪ I've got the brains
♪ make ♪
♪ you've got the looks
♪ let's make lots of money
♪ money ♪
♪ let's ♪
♪ you've got the brawn
♪ make ♪
♪ I've got the brains
♪ let's make lots of money...
Oil change is done.
Change it again!
(whooping)
(both panting)
That was amazing.
Yeah. Now that we've made
sweet love on paper money,
It's gonna be really hard
to go back to coins.
(gasps)
(gasps)
I can't believe this.
I'm all over the internet.
I've got 58 views,
And every time I check it,
it gets higher.
Look at this! 59!
How many times have
you checked it?
I don't know, 50, 55.
I don't want to be dramatic,
about this, but...
Sometimes I wish you
had just let me die
in that first aid class.
(sighs)
(clattering)
jimmy, look...
What was that?
I think there's
somebody in the garage.
Really? Your little stunt in
the grocery store wasn't enough?
(gasps)
Oh, come on.
No.
A masked burglar?
I mean, what...
What is this,
Scooby-doo?
Jimmy, I...
Josh?
How could you hire the guy
Who makes
the most fun of me
To make me feel even worse
about myself?
I did not hire him.
I think he's actually
trying to rob us.
Oh, yeah, like
I'm supposed to believe
That this
is real.
(gasps)
jimmy!
(grunts)
(gasps)
Why does this
keep happening?
Um...
You... Should
be ashamed.
What would
your brothers
At seal team six
Have to say about this?
Probably, "who's josh?"
Because I was
Obviously lying about that.
I was in prison, you idiots.
So you just got out of prison
And you're already
trying to rob us?
Big house, tiny wife,
wimpy husband--
It's what every
home invader dreams of.
Oh, great. Now the police
and everyone in town
Are gonna know that
you saved me one more time.
I'm never gonna be able
to live this down.
Jimmy, we could
just tell everybody
That you saved me, okay?
Who's gonna know?
I'll know.
I'll know, too.
You know what?
Maybe a little duct tape
Is gonna shut you up...
In about...
Eh...
Yah!
Jimmy, wha...
What is this?
Oh, those?
Uh... That's...
That's nothing.
I'll-I'll get those.
Wait,
But these are all addressed
to me-- why haven't I seen them?
Maybe hope put them in here--
you know that she likes
To play mailman and hoarder.
It's more of those postcards
from my mom.
What are they doing out here?
I always, um, hide them in here
before you see them,
Because I know
how much they upset you.
I'm sorry.
What was that for?
Because you committed
A federal crime
to protect my feelings.
Oh, jimmy, don't you see?
I may have saved you
a couple times, but...
You save me every day.
I miss my prison husband.
What?
Nothin'.
Mmm!
Burt, we've done it!
We are livin' the good life.
And even though I haven't eaten
anything but lobster, butter
And maple syrup for
the last three days, I
have never felt better.
You know, I was thinking,
While lobster
is pretty damn good,
What does tracetown have
that natesville doesn't?
Reading level
of a third grade country.
No, something we don't have:
Delicious ribs.
Mmm.
It's time to expand
Our system,
bring other towns in.
Which would mean more
goods and services.
And not just ribs.
We could get pies.
Or a dermatologist.
(gasps)
a guy who makes keys.
Hey, chances.
Hey, tyler.
Lookin' sharp!
Pour yourself a glass
of maple syrup.
Oh, I'm good.
Uh, let me ask you,
You didn't print up
any extra burt bucks, did you?
We're not saying we did,
But we did...
Why would that be a problem?
I had a feeling.
You flooded the market.
You're welcome.
It's not good.
I sold my last lobster
For 4,000 burt bucks.
Didn't you learn anything
From the hyper-inflation fiasco
in zimbabwe?
We didn't do it the zim-bob-way,
we did it our way.
(chuckles)
tyler:
I'm sorry, guys,
Burt bucks are worthless;
I can't accept them anymore.
See you around.
Well, that's
just one guy.
It shouldn't matter.
System's too big--
It can't fail.
(chuckles)
Jimmy:
But it wasn't just one guy,
And it only took a couple hours
for the entire system to fail.
Once lobster was out,
big syrup fell,
And then the entire
crochet industry unraveled.
Pretty soon, my parents
were left holding the bag...
Or, in this case,
several wheelbarrows
Filled with worthless paper.
I guess if you think
about this purely in
terms of wheelbarrows,
We came out
way ahead.
And...
Nobody really got hurt.
True.
Lee (calls):
Hello?
Oh, hello!
Mr. Lee? What are
you doing here?
Well, I need to get paid
for the printing.
No problem.
Can I pay you in burt bucks?
(laughs)
that's very funny!
What can I do
with all the play money?
I can't pay rent,
I can't buy ink,
And it's far too rough
for toilet paper.
You need to take
care of this.
(clears throat)
okay.
Uh-huh.
Interesting. Mm-hmm.
Let me ask you this.
Do you take wheelbarrows?
Mom and dad's bartering system
finally worked...
Just not how they planned.
They lived the high life
for one week,
But it cost them 50,000 hours
of landscaping and cleaning.
Burt, when you're done,
there are more hedges
behind the building.
Nice!
Well, on the bright side, this
won't be our problem forever.
After we're gone, our children
and our children's children
Will be paying off our debts
to the chinese printer.
Well, it's a good thing
people smarter than us
Are running the
real government.
Boy: We did it, buddy!