Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 1 - Déjà Vu Man - full transcript

Maw maw! Hurry up!
It's time for the yard movie.

Who's the pygmy?
What's it doing in my seat?

Maw maw, this is your
great-granddaughter, Hope.

Who the heck are you?

Yeah, I think
maw maw's confused again.

Maw maw, what's the
last thing you remember?

That dopey looking kid went out
to get bubblegum ice cream.

Wow. She's forgotten, like,
the last three years.

Get out the instruments,
she needs a memory reset.

One, two, three...

♪ Jimmy brought home
a serial killer ♪



♪ and he nailed her
before he knew ♪

♪ they locked her up without
a key, but in her guilty belly ♪

♪ a darling baby grew

♪ Jimmy was a struggling
single father ♪

♪ till he found a girl
to help him cope ♪

♪ that's your
great-grandson Jimmy ♪

♪ and his wife
Sabrina ♪

♪ and...

♪ Their daughter...

Monkey?

Maybe some specifics
would jog her memory.

Maw maw, remember how...

♪ Hope got stuck
in Virginia's shed ♪

♪ you jenga-ed her out
or she'd be dead ♪



♪ we went to Vegas
with Virginia's cousin ♪

♪ Burt was Jewish
♪ and then he wasn't

♪ pitched our inventions
to Andrew Dice Clay ♪

♪ Jimmy married Frank,
although he's not gay ♪

♪ we met Jimmy's almost family,
a bunch of racists ♪

♪ we caught a squirrel
who was a rapist ♪

♪ We busted you
out of a nursing home ♪

♪ they fought a bear,
we danced with some ♪

♪ bought a used
time machine ♪

♪ fought a giant candy war
♪ trained a pig

♪ sold pigurines

♪ and so, so, so much more...

Maw maw, do you
remember it now?

Are you still confused?

Nope. That's...

♪ Barney, Frank,
the odd one's Shelley ♪

♪ dancin' Dan

♪ I know I'm maw maw

♪ my granddaughter,
Virginia ♪

♪ her husband Burt,
my great-grandson Jimmy ♪

♪ his wife Sabrina

♪ and... their daughter...

I wanna say...

Edgar.

Hope!

I hope your name is Edgar, too...
That would be hilarious.

♪ Whoo!

♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh

♪ oh, oh, oh!

Season 4, Episode 1
"Déjà Vu Man"

Burt! You got to come with me.
I saw him again.

That guy who looks like
white Morgan Freeman?

- No. Déjà vu man!
- Damn, I always miss him.

- What are they talking about?
- Déjà vu man.

- He's mom's imaginary friend.
- He's not imaginary. He's real.

He shows up every few years.

The first time,
I was waiting for paw paw

to pick me up from school.
I just thought he was a pervert,

but then when I saw
he didn't have a mustache,

I assumed I was being discovered
by an undercover modeling talent scout.

He always shows up when
I'm at my least photogenic.

The last time before today
was about a year ago.

Wha...?

We got to get
there quick.

I followed him to the barbershop,
and he doesn't have a lot of hair.

Someone gonna spin, or what?

- There he is.
- Let me see.

You see him?

No. The hair-monizers
are in the way.

They look like
they sound great.

Hey! Cookie man
is in there, too!

- Which one?
- The guy by the window getting a shave.

But... the guy by the window getting
a shave, that's Déjà vu man!

Then Déjà vu man is also cookie man!

- Okay, fine, I'll bite. Who's cookie man?
- Dad's imaginary friend.

Cookie man started coming around
years ago when Jimmy was little.

He would show up at the park
and share his cookies with us.

He was always
asking about Jimmy.

He's a very smart baby.

I think he gets from me.

- Are you drinking breast milk?
- Yeah. You want some?

Uh, no, I'm gonna pass.

Well, that's an interesting mask.
Uh, what's he supposed to be?

We asked him what he wanted
to dress up as for Halloween...

He said, "Jimmy."

It's the only word he knows.

- Isn't that right, boy?
- Jimmy.

- Want some more cookies?
- Jimmy.

- How old are you?
- Jimmy.

- What's your name?
- Cookie!

Hey! He learned a new word!
Told you he was smart.

He even showed up last month,
when I was in the park with Hope.

You know, there's a lot of strangers who
hand out treats to kids in this town,

but your cookies
are by far the best.

Burt, please,
I'm not a stranger.

I'm Cookie man.

I'm really sorry, Burt.

I always thought you
made up Cookie man

just to cover for
spoiling Jimmy's dinner.

I'm sorry, too. I sometimes
wondered if Déjà vu man

was just another one of your
crazy conspiracy theories,

like UFOs or Bigfoot or that Delaware
doesn't actually exist.

Name one person that's
ever been to Delaware.

Did you say that
Déjà vu-slash-Cookie man

was the one in front
getting a shave?

- Yeah. Why?
- 'Cause that's also Super-curious guy!

Who's Super-curious guy?

- That would be Jimmy's imaginary friend.
- He is not imaginary.

He's this guy who shows up every
now and then on the loading dock

and asks me tons
of questions.

I remember
once that he said...

Jimmy! There's no time!

I'm sure you got two or three funny
memories you could describe,

but we need to figure
out what to do next.

Ooh! White Morgan Freeman!

Oh, my God.

Déjà vu man, Cookie man,
and Super-curious guy is also

roofie surgeon, who I saw steal
my mother's kidney in 1996.

- Really?
- No, I just felt left out.

Okay, Burt, how should we play this?

You guys, why don't you just go over
there and ask him what's going on?

You make suggestions like that,
you wonder why you get left out?

Thanks, Sabrina.

For all we know, he
works for the government

and can lock us all up in Geronimo Bay
for the rest of our lives.

Oh, he's leaving, we've got to follow
him, find out who he works for.

- Good idea.
- Good idea.

Jimmy, do you remember how we talked
about not letting your parents

drag us into something
crazy every week?

Guys, I got to go
pick up Hope.

I am trying to be
a responsible parent.

Oh, crap,
he's getting on his bike.

Should we get the truck,
or follow him on foot?

Neither.

I got him.

I don't know who this guy is,
but he must be loaded.

He's staying
at the three seasons motel.

What is he doing in there?

He's either doing solo charades

or Tai Chi.

Or both,
if the clue is "Tai Chi."

I got to be honest, he sounds
like an interesting guy.

I'll bet he works
for the government.

I just don't understand why they care
so much about what we're doing.

Well, when I'm bored,
I like to look up

how to build bombs
on the Internet.

And I was a bit of a firebug
in the '90s.

Maybe he's following us
for a good reason.

Maybe he's one of those guys
from The Matrix.

Then he could explain
the Matrix to me.

- Shh!
- Oh, he's leaving.

All right, here's
our chance...

We're gonna break into his room
and find out who he is.

Sounds like a plan.

All I'm gonna need
is a lighter,

a bottle
of toilet bowl cleaner,

and an old-fashioned
alarm clock.

We'll blow a hole
right through his door.

Or we could just jimmy it open
with the "do not disturb" sign.

Yep.

Whoa! Fancy.

This is the type of room
a rock star would O.D. in.

- Hey, check this out.
- What? What is it?

The greatest bed ever made.
You got to try this.

Burt, we can't.
We got to...

Oh, my God.

It's both firm and soft.

It's like lying on Santa Claus.

What the hell?

It's, like,
my whole life.

This is creepy.

Let's get out
of here quick,

before he comes back and makes
masks out of our faces.

Now I got a picture of him.

Wow. We both looked
really good in that shot.

You're right. If he doesn't turn
to be a weirdo pervert killer,

we should have him take
our Christmas card.

Making a flyer to find out who
this guy is was a great idea.

Flyers? Did that dopey son
of yours wander off again?

- No.
- Well, who's lost, then?

- Your crazy old grandmother?
- That's you, maw maw.

Arnold! Get this picture
out of my house.

- You know who this is?
- Yeah.

That's the bastard
who knocked my daughter up.

So the guy who knocked up
your daughter... would be...

- My father?!
- No. Wait.

Your father!

IF YOU KNOW THIS MAN,
PLEASE CALL 555-0137

I knew this no-good, disgusting
excuse for a man was trouble

the minute I laid eyes on him.

- But he's my father.
- Paw paw was your father.

Arnold's just an immoral,
horrible person.

You don't want to associate
with people like that.

So you just made up a story
about Virginia's father dying

- ...in a horse racing accident?
- Why would you do that?

Because you wanted
a pony and a father,

and it solved
two problems at once.

Well... guess we'd
better go meet your dad.

No way. If he wanted
to be a part of my life,

he had plenty of chances
to talk to me.

But I think you're gonna
need some of that...

Emotional stuff Dr. Phil's
always talking about.

The... "You can't fix a flat tire
with a red-handled hairbrush."

- Nah, that's not it.
- Ma! Dad!

Check out the moves I just taught Hope
for the father-daughter dance!

- Ya-ta... holla...
- Oh, come on, Jimmy.

How is she supposed to ever
learn to dance on her own?

What the hell kind of father
smothers his daughter like that?

Virginia, you're
obviously upset.

"I don't always drink
beer, but when I do..."

Nah, that's not Dr. Phil.

And for God's sake, you're letting
all the bugs in. Close the door.

Closure... that's it! You got to go
meet your dad for closure.

Fine, I'll go.

But it's not because
I trust Dr. Phil.

It's 'cause that closure thing always
seems to work on Grey's Anatomy.

Oh, my hand's shaking.

I haven't been this nervous
since Jimmy was born.

At least I had cigarettes
to get me through that.

Don't be nervous. Just picture
your dad in his underwear.

Burt, I've never met the man.

I don't know what sort of
underwear he wears.

Oh, uh... No, sorry, no, uh...

No housekeeping or
lawn care today.

Assuming that's
what you do.

Cut the crap.
I know who you are

and I know what you've been
doing all these years,

and it needs to stop.

- Stay away from my family...
- Okay.

...And delete all those
creepy pictures of us.

And then I want you to go away
and never come near us again.

- Right.
- Right after you tell me

what possible reason a person could
have to abandon his precious baby girl.

I'm gay.

- I'm confused.
- So was I, back then.

You see, it all
started backstage

after a dinner theater
performance of Pippin.

I played Pippin, local critic
said I was "mesmerizing."

After the cast party, your mom,
me, and a bottle of apple wine...

we, uh, made our way
into the, uh, prop closet.

Virginia,
that's probably where you get

your love
of fruit-based alcohol.

Pretending to enjoy
sex with a woman

was perhaps my second great
performance that evening.

Your mom got pregnant,
and I got...

I got the guts to admit
that I am gay.

I wanted to stay,

but no, the-the people
of Natesville in 1973,

they did not want to be
associated with, uh,

"my kind."

That's what maw maw
was talking about.

She hates you.

Yeah, paw paw wasn't
so thrilled either.

You ever tried dodging buckshot
in cashmere bell-bottoms?

I can only imagine.

I did it in jean shorts
and that wasn't easy.

- I am so sorry.
- It wasn't your fault.

Was my fault.

I didn't want you to grow up with
the stigma of having a gay father.

- I can only hope you'll forgive me.
- Daddy!

Once my mom understood why her dad
had left, it was hard to stay mad at him.

And they both wanted
to make up for lost time

doing all those father-daughter
things they missed out on.

Vos mamelons sont
comme des roues de brie.

He said...

What'd he say?

I was really looking forward
to taco night.

Oh, come on, Burt.
Your palate is so pedestrian.

Why don't you try something new?
Sushi is the taco of the Far East.

Now, look.

You've got your protein,

you've got your rice,
and instead of a corn tortilla,

it's all wrapped
in a delicious piece of mori.

If you ignore-i what it's
made of, it tastes pretty good.

How is that
sea urchin, Burt?

It's like the ocean sneezed
in my mouth.

You know, all those years
I've been following you guys

around with a camera, and I feel like
I've just walked right into the picture.

You know, we should
have a family photo.

- I love family photos.
- With a theme.

I love family photos
with themes!

This is amazing.
I love costumes.

Oh, boy, do I have a parade
to take you to next summer.

This is gonna be
the best family photo ever.

Virginia, I gotta talk to you.

- Isn't this the cat's pajamas?
- Yes.

But only because I think
cat's pajamas are stupid.

I look like an idiot in this thing
your dad picked out.

- Oh, come on, Burt. This is fun.
- No, it's not fun.

Nothing's been fun
since Arnold showed up.

Are you jealous because
I'm spending time with my dad?

No. But I just know that

he doesn't like the way I act
or what I say or what I like to eat.

- He doesn't like anything about me.
- So what do you want me to do?

He's my father. Am I supposed
to not see him anymore?

I didn't say that.

I just would like him to go away
and never come back.

He makes me
uncomfortable, Virginia.

He's just too
different than us.

Wish I could say I was surprised
to hear that kind of intolerance

from someone in this town.

He's right behind me,
isn't he?

Burt, that only works
if he hasn't said anything.

Sorry to be so different
from you, Burt.

Obviously, your husband doesn't
approve of my lifestyle.

No, no. Honestly,
I didn't mean that.

It's just that everything you like to do
makes me uncomfortable or sick.

Trying to be a part of your life
was clearly a mistake.

I'm not one for melodrama, so...

Good-bye forever.

Burt... I just got my dad back,
and now you drove him away.

I can fix this. Like when I broke
your favorite mug.

The mug that makes me dizzy
every time I drink from it?

Good point.

I promise I will not use the same
toxic glue to fix your dad.

Dad felt so bad about
what happened with grandpa Arnold

that he not only posed
for the family picture,

he decided to throw a party

so the rest of Natesville
could welcome Arnold home.

♪ For he's a jolly gay fellow

♪ for he's a jolly
gay fellow... ♪

I forgive you, Natesville.

♪ Which nobody can deny.

And then I left a...
A tenured position

to become a freelance
ethnomusicologist.

I once saw a man
in a small African village

who could perform
an entire symphony

using nothing but a rock
and a human tooth.

- Ah... Oh! Was it amazing?
- Oh, no, it was... It was excruciating.

But you had to admire
the effort, right?

He's been all over the world.
Even Canada.

Do your Canadian accent, dad.

Virginia's my daughter, eh?

- It's like we're at a hockey game.
- This my birthday or my wake?

Go get her back inside.

I don't want her to see my father
and start gay-bashing.

Okay.

It's your wake and you're early.
Let's get you back inside.

What the hell is that depraved
son of a bitch doing here?

He's my father,
and I invited him here.

This is still my house,

and I don't want
that kind of disgusting,

immoral, deviant...

Maw maw, you can't say
stuff like that anymore.

Okay? It's 2013.

Damn it, this life
is taking forever.

Look... We all accept my dad
for who he is.

Nobody in Natesville cares
anymore that he's gay.

He's gay?

Well, I don't have a problem
with gays.

I mean, Jimmy's gay, and I love him
and his little husband.

Oh, that's the nicest thing
she's ever said to me.

But that guy?

He's a first-class narcissist.

Oh, "narcissist."

I think we know
what that's code for.

You fall asleep in the
middle of sentences?

He's a selfish jerk. He doesn't care
about anybody but himself.

That's why he left you
and your mother.

He didn't leave.

He was run out of town.
Right?

Well, "run out of town,"

"made to feel unwelcome,
unappreciated..." Same diff.

- I don't think it really is the same.
- That's easy for you to say.

You try being gay and raising a child
in this town in the '70s.

You know, now
that you mention it...

My lesbian mothers raised me
in this town in the '70s.

Sure, one of them had
to dress up like a man

to take me on
the father-son canoe trip,

but they toughed it out.

It didn't hurt that she already had
a mustache and a closet full of flannels.

Lesbians. Everybody
loves lesbians.

You could've at least
written her a letter.

Or not even a phone call?
They had phones in the '70s.

Right?

- Yep.
- Right.

Uhm, the phone company
and-and gay people...

You're clearly using your
homosexuality as an excuse

to cover up for your refusal

to accept your parental
responsibilities.

By the way, we haven't met.
I'm Frank. It's a pleasure.

Once again, the haters of Natesville
rear their ugly heads.

You know, you people
are very interesting,

because you don't seem to be
able to change, do you?

Maybe you're the one
who hasn't changed.

'Cause now that
I'm thinking about it,

everything that we've done this week
has been something you wanted to do.

We had that sushi dinner
'cause you wanted it.

You suggested
taco Tuesday.

Do you honestly
expect me

to eat the street food
of a migrant people?

We went to that French movie
'cause you picked it.

Already saw the
Swedish version.

And you insisted

on the theme for
our family picture.

Because I wanted to
share it with my friends.

Don't you understand?

Do you honestly expect me

to show a photo of-of you guys

dressed the way
you normally do?

Forgive me for trying
to raise you to a higher level.

I think you should leave...

Again.

But this time, it's my choice.

Good-bye forever.

I'm gonna take this
because I look fantastic.

♪ Sometimes your dad's
not here ♪

♪ sometimes your dad's
a big selfish... ♪

Quit it, Shelley.

Dad invited everyone over
that night to meet mom's father.

But in the end, it turned out
they already knew her father,

because paw paw
was mom's real dad.

I'm sorry
your gay father

turned out to be
a narcissist.

You okay?

Yeah.

The truth is, I had
a pretty good father figure.

And I guess it's good Arnold left
when I was a baby.

Think of all the macaroni art
I would have wasted on that guy.

- Finger-paintings.
- Ashtrays...

Ugly ties.

He probably would've
given me zero stars

on the Father's Day
breakfast I made him.

And besides...

If I didn't have
some daddy issues,

I might not have got
knocked up at 15.

Then where would I be?