Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 20 - Man's Best Friend - full transcript

Yes. Perfect!
Excellent!

Well, that puzzle
only took four hours.

Maybe now they'll
finally go home.

Okay, who wants
to watch a movie?

Me, movie!

No, no, no, no, no, no.

Hope, you gotta
go to bed, honey,

'cause you got school tomorrow.

Come on, please.

Come on, please.

I got Lord of the Rings:
Return of the King



"Limited Edition."

Don't you have to
go home for Maw Maw?

Oh, we didn't tell you.
Mm.

She's with the Dead now.

What?!

♪

Later on, suckers.

I'm going on a long,
strange trip

with Syrup Sam.

I'll be back when I'm
either grateful or dead.

Okay, you guys do realize

that the Grateful Dead
broke up, right?

Yeah, but she doesn't
know that. (laughs)

Come on, this will be great.



I heard this version
has an extra 20 minutes

of just watching Hobbits sleep.

Um...
Mm.

Uh... actually,

if you guys don't mind, uh...

we have to get up early.
What for?

Spin class.

Uh... yeah!

We've gotten pretty good at it.

Well, that is good.
Can you go faster?

(screams)

(laughs)

♪ Whoo

What the hell, guys?

What? We took up
finger painting.

What's wrong with that?

Yeah, we don't judge you

for wearing the same
stupid four shirts.

Yeah, we get it,

you like pancakes.

Guys, we just got

Hope's report card,

and it says she's been
absent 18 times.

None of which
were excused by us.

Do you know
anything about this?

No! We stopped caring
about report cards

when you were in the first grade.
Both times.

The school said that
you guys have been

picking her up in
the middle of the day

and bringing her back
before it ends.

Guys, we know you love Hope

and we know you want to
spend time with her, but...

she's gotta be in school.

Well, forgive us
for trying to be

caring and involved
grandparents.

(sneezing)

Why is the hot tub sneezing?

What?

(Sabrina sighs)

Serioursly, guys?

We miss her. She's fun.

BURT:
We're like the Three Amigos.

She's Martin Short.

Guys, I think you may have
empty-nest syndrome.

Does that syndrome
give you headaches,

or is that just 'cause
you guys are here?

No. It just means that
you're having some trouble

adjusting to your family
not living at home.

Ever since you and Hope left,

we do have a lot of time
on our hands.

What are we supposed to do?

We can only have so much sex.

We certainly don't want
to work any more hours.

Um... then find ways
to spend your time.

Hey, you could try
volunteer work.

Please, we're not rich.

We don't have the luxury of
working for free, Sabrina.

Th a den get
and leave Hope out of it.

(under breath):
All right.

I just don't see why it
has to be a dog, Virginia.

Dogs are the natural enemies
of gardeners.

Burt, we need this.

Sabrina was right...

we have empty-nest syndrome.

So we either put
a dog in our house,

or you uncork your vasectomy
and put a baby in here.

And I'm warning you, Burt,

this ass is not
gonna bounce back

after baby number two
at my age.

Welcome to the
Natesville Animal Shelter.

(sighs) How can I help you?

We'd like to rescue a dog.

Aw... well, you don't rescue
them as much as they rescue you.

Now who's gonna be
the dog's master?

We both will.

No! Not on my watch.

A dog can only have one alpha.

Well, uh... I guess that's me.
Yeah.

Uh... I'll be right back.

I saw an old friend
on the way in.

(gasps)

(dogs barking)

(whines)

Hello, Bartlett.

Guess you won't be digging up

my freshly planted succulents
from in there, will you?

(whines)

I wouldn't want to be
a pretty dog like you

in a place like this.

(whining)

I can't tell you how excited
I am to finally have a dog.

I've wanted one forever.

Well, they're
a lot of responsibility.

I started raising a baby
in 11th grade, so,

if that doesn't say responsible,
I don't know what does.

So, are there any other
pets in the house?

Well, there's something
living in our chimney,

but we haven't had
a mouse in two years,

so we don't ask questions.

(beeping)

Says here,
you're not allowed to adopt.

Your last name and address

triggered an alert.

You're on a no-dog list.

What?! I told you,
we're incredibly responsible.

Our granddaughter's
gonna be very upset

if we come back to the car
without a dog.

Yeah.

Okay, Hope,
what animal is this?

Butter...

Cat.

Jimmy... she knew
this a year ago.

(door opens)

Jimmy,

we have a problem.

Apparently, our last name and
address got on a no-dog list.

Do you know anything about that?

I may have had something
to do with that.

Would you care
to explain that...

in a way that we could visualize
it as if we were there?

JIMMY: Seven years ago I
wasn't the confident,

sexy ladies' man I am today.

I figured a four-legged
wingman would help

and I thought if one dog
got me attention,

then two dogs might
get me a little more.

And I was right.

Then I figured, if two dogs
got me tonsil hockey,

maybe five dogs
would get me to fifth base.

And my plan worked perfectly.

Until the dogs decided that
they had better things to do

than wait around
while I got some.

(dogs barking)

(laughing): I can't believe
you used to use stray dogs

to hook up with girls.

Uh... excuse me. High school
dropout working with his dad,

living with his parents.

My toolbox wasn't exactly
overflowing.

Well, thanks to you,
now we can't adopt a dog.

Which I didn't want in the
first place, but your mom did...

and now we're
very disappointed.

This is horrible. I can't
believe you did this to us.

Every week I find out

about some terrible thing
that you did to me as a kid!

(sighs) Oh, when are you gonna
stop living in the past?

You gave me up for adoption.

You, you faked
my childhood vacations.

You ruined my credit!

Okay, okay, fine.

Now we can't adopt a dog,
so I guess that makes us even.

Ah, Regina! Nice haircut.
Hi. Thanks.

I'll have the usual.
Okay.

A hot dog...

and I bet somebody
wants a grape soda.

Wow...

Soda's on me.

Thanks.

Have a grape day.

(laughing):
Okay.

Bye-bye, cutie.

There you go.

Sabrina, you can't
leave me alone for a second.

God, did you eat
found gum again?

No, but good guess.

I just got hit on big-time
by the wiener chick.

My charm and good looks
just got us a free soda.

I'm pretty sure
that soda was for Hope.

Yeah, I'm pretty sure
it was for me.

Oh, my God.

I just realized,
Hope is your new dog.

Hello?

Excuse me, we figured out
why our house was on

the no-dog list.

It's out idiot son.

But he doesn't live
with us anymore.

And if you're worried about
the "idiot" part, don't.

We barely raised him.
Rules are rules.

Would a person who would harm
an animal make you these?

These cookies are shaped
like things humans like.

Boobs, cars, televisions.

And these are shaped
like things dogs like.

Bones, hydrants, mailman's ass.

I realize they all kind of
look like lumps,

but, we're not
cookie-cutter rich. (laughs)

Wow, that took a lot of effort.
Maybe I misread you.

Unlike dogs,
I can't lick your hand

and know what's in your heart.

So you'll let us adopt a dog.

Not yet. In order to
get you off the no-dog list,

I have to put you through
a three-day trial period,

but then...

you'll be dog owners.

We're so gonna kill it.

Not the dog,
we're gonna love it to death.

(laughing):
Oh, yeah.

Okay.

So... here's
what I think,

if it's a girl, we should
name it Puppy Dogstocking.

A boy, Spot.

Remember how long
it took us to name Jimmy?

If we'd gone with
our first instincts there,

his name would be
Parachute Pants Chance.

There are things in this house

we've been trying to kill
for 20 years.

I'm sure we can keep
a dog alive

for three days.

(doorbell rings)
Ooh, he's here.

Yeah, yeah.
Yeah.

Hey, Michael.
We're so excited

to meet our new little friend.

I'm gonna take this little guy
out of his crate.

He's a little skittish.

Come on. Hi.

Say hello.

Huh.
This is a trial dog.

It'd be crazy
to give you guys a real dog

until you prove yourselves.

Oh, uh, that makes sense. Yeah.

So you're gonna live
with us for three days?

No, he is.

Just pretend I'm not here.

(high-pitched voice):
Ruff. Ruff. Ruff-ruff.

Ruff-ruff.

Now, you're probably gonna
want to tell him to be quiet.

Ruff.
Okay, quiet down, boy.

Good. Good. Caring but firm.

Now, what are we gonna
name this little angel?

Puppet?
Come on, Burt. That's too on the nose.

Nose.
Um. No, Burt.

How 'bout, um,
Puppy Dogstocking?

No... he's never
going to be able

to respond to commands
with a name that long.

Ah, man...
we're doing bad already.

Couch? Lamp? Snowboard?

Burt, stop just naming things
around the house.

Angry Wife?
No, come on, you guys.

Don't fight. He's going to
pick up on your negative energy.

Why don't we name
this little guy Jake?

Jake! That's perfect,
he looks like a Jake.

Yeah, he looks like
a cute little Jake.

This is gonna be fun.

(gasps)
Wait, are those doggy treats?

Num, num, num, num, num, num, num, num.
Oh.

Now, you don't want to
let him eat the whole bag,

otherwise he's gonna have
diarrhea in the house.

We got a lot of work to do.

Ruff.

Yeah.
Ruff. Ooh!

I don't know
if I want to do this

whole crazy puppet dog trial.

That guy seems nuts.

It's only for three days.

It's not gonna be that bad.

And besides, Burt, if we don't
fill the void in our lives

with a dog, we are gonna keep
taking Hope out of school.

And then she's just gonna

grow up to be an idiot.

She'll be Jimmy with boobs.

(laughs)

I just pictured
Jimmy with boobs.

Hey, guys. You put
Jake outside a while ago.

If you keep him out too long,
he's gonna get depressed.

Fine, I'll do it.

(sighs) (yelps, laughs)

Ah, Now that he's back with
his owners, he's very excited.

(yelps)
Okay. Now, tell him down.

Tell him down, because otherwise
he's gonna do this

to his guests. And remember,
jumping leads to humping.

Down, Jake!
Down, boy!

(panting)

Ooh... he just marked you as
his owner. That's a good thing.

It means you're
important to him.

Is that real pee?
If it was, would I do this?

Maybe...

(sighs) Jimmy...

I thought we were
gonna have adult time.

I can't believe
we got a babysitter

to just, like, come to the park.

I think you're gonna be pretty
impressed with what you see.

Me in action without a prop.

All right. I'll just
try not to be too jealous.

(exhales)

Regina?
Hey.

Grape to see you.

(laughs)
I'll have the "usual."

One hot dog, coming up.

There you are.

Thank you.

Yeah.

For you.

Sure is hot out today.

Could use... something
to wash this dog down.

Oh, of course.

Thanks so much.

Uh, that'll be a dollar.

Woof. (whines)

(panting)

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I think the dog wants
some of what you're eating.

(panting) Oh.

Sorry.
Yeah.

Here you go.

(chewing)

(gags)

(guttural growl)

(wheeze)

Congratulations,
you just killed Jake.

Don't you know how dangerous
grapes are for dogs?

What? How can grapes
be bad for dogs?

They're... they're colorful like
onions and sweet like chocolate.

All things that can kill a dog.

Oh, my God, Burt.

If that had been a real dog,
we'd have killed it.

I don't want to kill a dog.
(sighs)

Maybe this training
isn't so stupid.

Please gi-give us
another chance.

No, I'm not sticking my hand in a dead puppet.
What are you, crazy?

Jake's gone, all right? We
just have to deal with it.

Way to go, Burt.
You feel good about yourself?

Please, this is my fault.
I didn't take the training

seriously enough, but Virginia's
right, we need a dog.

There's got to be
something else we can do.

All right, there's
one more thing I could do.

I'm going full retriever.

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Go get it.
Go get it.

Oh, good catch, boy.

(chuckles)

Okay, drop it. Drop it.

- Drop it. - Say it with authority.
You got to show me who's boss.

(growls): Michael, drop it.
Aah!

Look at that.
I asserted control.

Yeah. And it was sexy.

I like Alpha Burt.

Me, too.
(deeper): Me, too.

Oh!
(whoops)

That was amazing.

You're a natural born
dog trainer.

I know. And if Air Bud
taught us anything,

he can learn
soccer, volleyball,

and how to foil a jewel heist.

This is way more fun
than playing with Hope.

Oh!
Oh.

Okay, y-you can't let me
pull that hard, okay?

I could injure my throat.
Now, shorten the leash

and tell me to heel.

Uh...

Heel, boy, heel.

Good job. . All right,
now, here's another thing

I got to show you.

(zip) (gasps)

MICHAEL:
Oh, yeah.

I know it's a little weird,
but it's nothing

to be embarrassed of. It's all
part of going on a walk.

(zips)

Ooh.

Oh, I hope you guys
brought a plastic bag.

Oh.
Oh.

Yeah.

Grab a couple.

(grunting) (laughing)

(phone rings)

Hello.

Mrs. Chance? This is Doris

from the Natesville
Animal Shelter.

Your application
has been approved.

Really? But we're only halfway
through our trial period.

Trial period?
Yeah, Michael says we're doing great.

Michael? Like, tall, red hair?

Crazy eyes?

He only has crazy eyes when you
challenge his dominance.

He's an oddball who
sometimes volunteers here,

but I certainly
wouldn't recommend

letting him into your home.

Good to know.

Who wants to go to the dog park?

I do.
Yeah.

Are you sure we're doing
the right thing here?

Absolutely.
He's got to be crazy.

He spends all day
working someplace for free.

Who does that?
A volunteer?

No, a crazy person.

All right.

You ready, boy?
Ready, boy?

Go fetch.

(engine starts)

Burt, Burt.

Burt, Burt.

Burt.

Virginia!

Finally, a real dog
that can sniff our butts

and it won't be totally creepy.

Welcome to your new home,
Puppy Dogstocking.

Now go have fun.

Maybe he doesn't like
that name as much as we do.

It wasn't
the fresh air, Virginia.

He's still not doing much.

Well, somebody chewed the
heel off my church shoe.

Without the heel I'll be three
inches further away from God.

Having a real dog's
a lot different

than I thought it would be.
Yeah.

(beeping)

(sighs)

We should have
just gotten a snake.

They don't do much either,
but at least you know

you'll eventually get a belt.

Yeah.

Virginia, we adopted
the Tasmanian Devil.

Or... another dog came in

and tore up the place
while our guy

just laid there and watched.

Either way, Puppy Dogstocking's

not very good
at doing dog stuff.

I know.

♪ Now, being without you ♪

♪ Takes a lot
of getting used to ♪

♪ Should learn to live with it ♪

♪ But I don't want to ♪

♪ Being without you ♪

♪ Is all a big mistake ♪

♪ Instead of getting easier ♪

♪ It's the hardest thing
to take ♪

♪ I'm addicted to you, babe ♪

♪ You're a hard habit ♪

♪ To break... ♪

Oh, my God, Burt.

We're not dog people.

We're Michael people.

♪ Being without you ♪

♪ Takes a lot
of getting used to. ♪

Hey, look at me, I'm Jimmy.

I need a baby to pick up girls.

(laughs)

Thanks for telling him, Sabrina.
Oh...

Very funny, Frank.

Wait a second--
where did you get the...?

What the hell is wrong with you?

Give me back my baby.

Hi.
(whack)

(grunts)

Ow.

Wow.

That's more attention I've got
from a woman in a long time.

What have I always told you?

Every customer

here at Howdy's has the
reasonable expectation

that their baby won't be
stolen by an employee.

How did this happen?

We're just giving Jimmy
a hard time.

Well, yeah, 'cause he's been
using Hope to flirt with women.

I seem to remember you
doing the same thing.

What? I've never used a baby
to flirt with women.

Well, you used Hope
to flirt with Jimmy.

We were all shocked
because you hated kids.

Somebody's filthy little child
with chocolate on its face

is here at the
register. If someone

would please come and get it.

Honestly, anybody who's
willing to claim it.

I'm really not
gonna ask questions.

I just really want it gone.

(sighs)

Oh, hey. Will you
do me a favor?

Will you watch this thing
for a second?

That cute guy is back.
Which one? Sandy blond?

(whispers): No, no,
floppy hair, big nose.

Hi.
(quiet grunt)

Oh, my God.
She is so adorable.

(chuckles) I love kids.

Do you want to hold her?

No, thank you.

Oh, I mean, I could just
touch her for a second.

(Hope cooing)

Well... (sighs) I swear
I love Hope now. I just...

I wasn't really much of a
kid person before I met her.

Yeah, you didn't even
use your own prop.

You had to use mine.
I'm sorry.

You used my own daughter
to try and get close to me?

That's...

awesome.

You liked me for me.

I thought you were just
into me because of Hope,

but it was the
other way around.

Yeah.
Mm.

Hey.

So, does your mom
come here often?

(exhales)

Michael!

Michael!

(whistles)

Hey. Hey, there he is.

Oh, oh.

Michael.

Here, boy.
Come here, boy.

(whistles) Good boy.
Good boy,

come on, boy, good boy.

(tires squeal) Aah, aah!

Oh! Oh.
Oh.

(sighs) Michael.

Are you okay?

I'm fine, I got
a slight hip fracture.

I'm gonna make a full recovery.

I'm so sorry
we left you in the park.

No, you guys are great. Most
people issue restraining orders.

I knew you were different

when you didn't forget
the plastic bags.

Well, maybe when
you get better,

we can work with you a
little more on street safety.

Maybe you could still, uh,

come over and we could
play some Frisbee.

I would love that.

JIMMY: While, ultimately, a
disturbed, lonely man in a dog suit

didn't fill the void
in my parents' lives...

Virginia, look.

...like Lassie, he led them
to something that would.

Puzzles.

♪

Oh, are you two new volunteers?

Oh, no, we're not crazy.

We're happy to hang
out for a bit,

read to the kids,
maybe play some games.

Yeah, we could even come back
and make it a regular thing.

But we're not volunteers.

Only idiots work
without getting paid.

Hmm.

JIMMY: And even though
my parents found a way

to cure their
empty-nest syndrome,

they still had the occasional
flare-up on the weekends.

Well, I've got bad news
and worse news.

Jerry Garcia died ten years ago.

And LSD does nothing for me.
(sighs)

(boat horn honks)

MAN:
Oy vay.