Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 19 - Para-Natesville Activity - full transcript

Oh... you're gonna regret that.

Pigfoot was your favorite.

He wasn't real, Burt.

None of this stuff is real.

Hey. We came
as fast as we could.

Wait a minute, you're not
bleeding from your ear.

Damn it. I was really excited
to either save your life

or end it compassionately.

I just said that
to get you over here.

It's your mother--
I've never seen her like this.

Oh, come on, Virginia, that's
your authentic



Navajo dreamcatcher

that we got at the Trail
of Tears Casino and Suites.

I'm done with all this
make-believe stuff, Burt.

How's a bunch of string
and feathers

supposed to hold
thousands of dreams?

And... who needs this telescope?

There's no such thing as UFOs.

Telescopes don't
just look at UFOs.

They actually have a variety
of scientific uses...

Oh, grow up.

What happened to you?

I'll tell you what happened.

That mermaidspecial on TV.

I just saw a special
where actual scientists--



Norwegian scientists--

proved the existence
of mermaids.

Do you know how many mermaids

get caught in fishing nets
every year?

None...

because mermaids, like actual
cans of dolphin-safe tuna...

don't really exist.

You're a mermaid
holocaust denier.

Attention Howdy's shoppers.

This store is selling mermaid
contaminated tuna fish.

That show was a total
hoax, Virginia.

But it was on that channel

where you're supposed to
learn stuff.

Plus, the narrator was British.

Look at this. Ah!

Jude Law and the network
apologized...

saying, "We never
would've aired the film

if we thought there were people
stupid enough to fall for it."

Mm-mm.

I've been burned too many times.

I'm done believing
in anything magical:

dreamcatchers, ghosts,
angels, Criss Angel.

And definitely not Pigfoots.

Oh...

Don't go throwin' ghosts
into all the nutty crap

you used to believe in.

Ghosts are real.

I've got one
living in my closet.

You people can believe
whatever you want.

I'm done.

Apparently she's also
stopped believing

in cleaning up her own messes.

♪ Whoo!

♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh! ♪

What are you doing?

Huh? Nothing.

You're not trying to put
that stupid pigurine

back together, are you?

Well, I was hoping when
you cooled off,

you might want it again.

I tried to buy you one,
but it turns out they're not

selling them anymore
'cause apparently

they're made out of
asbestos.

I tried to fix it,
but it's impossible.

Now I see why God never actually
made a pig Sasquatch--

it's-it's very time-consuming.

Don't bother trying to fix it.

Pigurines are a ceramic lie.

Pigs can't have careers.

The truth is, they're just
bacon and footballs.

End of story.

I miss the woman who believed
pigs could be policeman

or lawyers or pork-tologists.

Well, she's gone.

I used to think there was more
to life than being a maid...

I was wrong.

You scrub toilets
and then you die.

Oh, come on, Virginia,
you're not just a maid anymore.

You're a crew chief now.

It's not just scrubbing toilets,
you do paperwork, too.

My closet ghost
is getting feisty.

He threw a lamp.

I can't,
I can't sleep in there.

Maw Maw, there's no
such thing as ghosts.

You probably just
knocked it over yourself.

Did not.

Dibs on the middle.

Let's make a Maw Maw sandwich.

No, Maw Maw. Just go
on back to your room.

Will you take me?
I'm scared.

Fine!

Sucker.
What?

If I start to scream...

just slap me and tell
me the war's over.

This is ridiculous.

I'm going to prove to you that
there's no such thing as ghosts.

Okay, so...

the windows in there
are boarded up.

This door is locked.

And I'm putting powder down.

So if anyone tries to go
in or out...

there'll be footprints.

So I challenge your ghost
to prove that it's here.

But my guess is, that in the
morning when we wake up,

everything's gonna be
exactly how I left it.

There you go. See?

Nothing's changed.

Now you'll know how I felt

when I was
dumb enough to believe.

Who are you?

Is this cocaine
on the floor up for grabs?

Prepare to feel like
an idiot, Maw Maw.

Oh, my God.

We have a ghost.

It's making Maw Maw's
nightstand vibrate.

I'm sorry I ever doubted
you, dreamcatcher.

I hope you catch dreams
as well as you caught fire.

Speaking of fire...

let's burn this house
before we're slaughtered

in the night
by this angry poltergeist.

Burt, it's obviously
a nice ghost.

He made a smiley face.

I've seen all five
Paranormal Activity movies.

I promise you,
this does not end well for us.

Did you say you wanted me
to believe again?

Well now... I believe.

Well, there's a big difference

between mermaids and
angry vengeful phantoms.

I feel like I could
take a mermaid... on land.

In a bathtub,
it'd be anybody's game.

Maw Maw,

were you in the laundry room?

I don't go in there;

that TV only gets
the clothes channel.

Burt, did you do the laundry?

Not since the great
acid-wash disaster of '91.

We got jeans...

and we got acid.

How hard can it be?

Well, he's thorough.

He even cleaned out
the pube catcher.

You're winning me over, ghost!

Whoever you are!

We brought a bag of ice!

Where's the thumb?!
Where's Burt's thumb?

Good job getting here so fast.

So... dad didn't
cut off his thumb

testing out his new
mouse guillotine?

No. We just wanted you
to get here as fast as possible

before we made contact.

What do you mean, "contact"?

We have a ghost.

We have a laundry-folding,
chair-stacking,

lipstick-writing,
possibly friendly,

possibly
Mr. Belvedere phantasm.

And we hired a professional
to help us communicate with it.

Well, this should be
as interesting as a

still twitching thumb
in a bucket of ice.

Hey, Chances.

You guys order a medium?

Not a medium pizza.

A medium to help us
talk to our ghost.

Your card says you do that.

That's an old business card.

I also no longer do
videotape rentals

or teach the Macarena.

But I have branched out into
writing people's names

on grains of rice.

Here's my new business card.

But I don't open the portal
into the spirit world anymore.

It's too dangerous.

Why? Possessions?

Poltergeists? Demons?

No, worse.
My dead grandma.

She was annoying
when she was alive...

she's downright unbearable
as a spectral being.

Please, Tyler,
we don't need much.

We just want to know who
he is and what he wants.

And I have so many
questions about Heaven.

Like, how do they keep birds
from sneaking in there?

If you guys are willing
to compensate me

for three pizzas and
two cheesy breads... I'm in.

So, that's gonna be...

four bucks each.

Did you drag us here
just to pay for pizza?

No. We invited you here
to join us on our journey

to the other side.

By the way, tickets to the
other side are four bucks each.

But it comes with
complimentary cheesy bread.

I'm not sure
it was such a great idea

to eat all this greasy pizza
before we hold hands.

I don't know,
just wipe it on your shirt.

That's what I do.

Yep. Everyone can see that.

And everyone can also see
where you caressed by boob.

Shh, shh.
The portal's opening.

I'm feeling the presence
of a spirit.

Go ahead, ask him
whatever you want.

Uh... I have a question
for the big guy.

Hammerhead sharks,
duckbill platypuses--

were you just throwing leftover
parts together at that point?

Let me try.

Hello... Mr. Spirit.

Hello.

I'm Virginia Chance.

I live here.

You already know that
from folding my underwear.

Which, uh, thank you for that,
by the way.

Are you always that friendly?

I sense he is benevolent...

and means you no harm.

Who is he?
Where does he come from?

Tyler...

how many times I gotta tell you?

Get a haircut.

God, I think it's his grandma.

Who you calling grandma,
Grandma?

I remember from those
six Martin Lawrence movies,

this is exactly what an old
black grandma sounds like.

Tyler, I told you, quit hanging
around these crazy honkeys.

Sorry. Sorry. Sorry.

Did she say anything bad?

She's a bit of a racist.

So, you definitely
felt our ghost?

He was a good spirit, right?

I mean, I'm sure you get this
all the time but

when I go to Heaven will I be
anatomically correct?

'Cause the angel I put on
the Christmas tree's

got nothing going on
under his robe.

No, it's not the Holy Ghost,
it's just a ghost.

Oh...
Sorry, Burt.

Now I gotta go home and
clear the history on my browser.

Grandma will not be happy
if she finds out

- I was looking at white women
on the computer. - Mm.

Oh, hey, Burt.

You're out of fabric softener.

Ow!

What the hell, Burt?

You didn't have to hit me.

Of course I had to hit you.

You're a creepy stranger
in my house at night.

You meet all the qualifications
of someone I should hit.

What do you mean?
I'm not a stranger.

I'm the guy
who watches your sex tape.

Hey! No-No-No.
I mean, I mean,

my wife and I,
we found your sex tape.

Don't you remember?

You hid it in an old clown doll
which we ended up finding.

My wife and I watched that tape
over and over again.

Not for the sex, but because
seeing how you two related

to each other really
helped out our marriage.

Oh, yeah, I remember.

So what the hell
are you doing in my house?

Well, my wife and I
had an argument

and I went a little
overboard and left.

So I came to ask for your advice

and... uh...
the door was unlocked.

You weren't home,
I had to go to the bathroom.

So I opened the wrong door,
found a closet,

saw a hatch in the floor,
discovered a bomb shelter.

It's pretty self-explanatory.

We got a bomb shelter?

No wonder we never
knew this existed.

This is really small.

I don't think Paw Paw
was planning

to save the whole family.

Burt!

Yeah, been down here
a couple weeks now.

I can overhear everything
through this vent.

Could you bring me a
glass of water, honey? Hmm, see?

You guys are always
so sweet to each other.

My wife and I,

we don't communicate like that.

That's why I stayed.

I'm learning valuable stuff
from you guys.

Like how to wash
my wife's underwear?

Well, I felt like
I owed you guys,

so I started doing stuff
around the house.

Look, I will say the way you
starched my Foghat T-shirt

is... otherworldly.

But you can't just be
spying on us,

and pretending to be a ghost.

That wasn't my plan at first.

Then I overheard
Virginia talking about

losing her sense of wonder
and I wanted to help.

That's why I stacked
the furniture.

This is terrible.

Virginia loves having a ghost.

If she finds out
all this is just you,

she's going to be devastated.

I'm sorry, Burt.
Once again, I go overboard,

I create more problems
than I solve.

Christy is right.

Every time I find myself

in a good situation,
I make it bad.

That's it.

What if we scare her?

The only reason Virginia
likes you is 'cause

she thinks you're
a friendly ghost.

But what if
you were a bad ghost?

Then she'd be happy you left,

and she'd still
believe in magical stuff.

Sure, I guess it's worth a try.

Hey, you know what?
I could scare her in the shower.

That's what they
always do in horror movies.

I...

think anything in the bathroom
crosses a line.

Hey, Burt...

I've watched your
sex tape thousands of times;

nothin' I ain't seen before.

That's like in that movie,
Poltergeist.

Creepy...

Burt, Burt,
do you hear that?

Where do you think
it's coming from?

It's probably just the wind.

Or it's the restless souls

of the Native American children
buried beneath the house.

Oh, there's nothing scarier
than the burp of a dead child.

Oh, God.
Move it. Oh.

I'm scared. Aren't you scared?

This is scary.

I know. I don't care what

Tyler thinks
about his grandma...

we're having an exorcism.

Oh, demented spirits
of the laundry,

please forgive us for
unstacking your furniture.

We needed a place to sit and
the armoire seemed precarious.

He hears you.

It's working.

Do you smell that?

The spirit is close.

The spirit could use a shower.

Man... I can't
believe this is working.

I'm gonna be honest with you,

I'm a little freaked out.

It's never
gone this well before.

Tell him to leave.
Tell him to leave!

Uh... leave!

Ow! Damn it.

"Ow"? What kind
of a ghost says, "Ow"?

Hey didn't say, "Ow."
He said, uh...

"Out. I want to get out."

Burt, are you okay?

He-He's not Burt anymore.

I think the ghost has
taken possession of him.

Yeah-Yeah-Yeah.

That's exactly what's happened.

I am the ghost...

and I am very, very real.

Way to go, Burt, put on a show.

Do something! Do something!

Do you want your name
on a piece of rice?

Get out...!

Well, I'm out of ideas.
Better go.

No! Don't go!

Damn it, ghost,
give me back my husband!

Okay...!

Is that it?
Did the ghost leave?

I think so.

I think I can hear
the spirit rushing out.

Oh, yeah, now
I can hear it, too.

Quick question: Where's
the water main shut off valve?

Oh, my God!

What is Jim the sex tape guy
doing in our house?!

I shut the water off.

Problem solved.

What a crazy adventure, huh?

So... who wants
to watch RoboCop?

I can't believe you lied
to me about pervy Jim!

I'm sorry. It's just when
you broke your one-of-a-kind

Sasquatch pigurine
it broke my heart.

And I hated that you
stopped believing in stuff.

And I don't want Hope
to grow up in a world where

she's told it's wrong to still
believe in UFOs and fairies

and Siamese twins.

This is beautiful,

the fact that you have a husband
who cares enough about you

to go out of his way
to make you believe in things.

That's the real magic.

Exactly.
I'm the real magic.

I guess it was kind of sweet
of you in your own messed up,

twisted, misguided, warped...

Yes, yes, I love you, too.

Oh!

This is what Christy
and I need in our relationship.

You know, a real, true,
understanding of one another

and a willingness...
to forgive.

Hey, you know what? Hey...

would you maybe be willing
to go to talk to her for me?

I... don't know.

But she respects your
relationship so much.

We really wouldn't
know what to say.

Yeah, you're right,
I should go.

There's a load of delicates
in the wash

and there's a...
cake in the oven

that should be taken out
in about 20 minutes.

It's in the shape of a heart.

I'll get my coat.

I'll get my keys.

So, you're just a strange man

sneaking around
my bedroom at night?

Well, I guess I'm going to bed.

By myself. No risk of pregnancy.

I'll never remember.

You'll never forget.

Hey, uh...
I'm just gonna wait in the car.

You know, if she sees me
she'll probably freak out.

So, will you just tell her
I really love her...

and I'm really, really sorry
for going overboard.

Got it.

You know, for someone who
handled all our underwear,

secretly lived in our house

and obsessively watched
our sex tape,

he's actually a sweet guy.

But we're on the same page?

If he comes to our house again
we're calling the cops.

Oh, definitely.

Oh, my God.

Burt and Virginia,

what are you guys doing here?

Well, we spoke to Jim

and there's something
we want to tell you.

Is this some
kind of a sick joke?

I know you guys haven't
been together for a while.

Yeah, because he died
two months ago.

What?

We were on a
booze cruise to Cabo

and he was drinking
Rum Runners by the gallon,

and he fell overboard.

Overboard.

Overboard.
Overboard. Overboard.

Overboard.
For going overboard.

Overboard. Overboard.
Overboard. Overboard.

Overboard. Overboard.

So... what message
could you possibly have?

Well...

We ran into him
at the drugstore...

the day before the cruise.

While he was buying
seasickness medication.

Right, Burt?
Yep.

And... he said how...

Excited he was

about the cruise

and...
How much he loved you.

Really?

Well, thank you.
That really means a lot.

Okay, so, now that
we know you're good,

we should probably get going.

Do you want to come in?
No.

No. No. You're a widow,

so you should probably
be alone right now.

Okay.

That was weird.

Virginia, look.

Okay, so, maybe he just jumped
off the boat so he could

fake his own death
and collect insurance money.

But then why would he
live in our basement

and fold our laundry,

when he could be livin' it up

on some beach in Wisconsin?

It makes perfect sense,
you guys, he's a ghost.

You can't really prove that.

I don't need proof.

It's called belief,
not fact, for a reason.

And I choose to believe.

I am so happy to have my
open-minded, UFO believing,

mermaid rights activist back.

Now who wants cake?

That may or may not
have been made by a ghost.