Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 18 - Dinner with Tropes - full transcript

Hey, guys, we're here.

Hey.

What is the matter with you?

Homemade teeth whitening.

Put a drop of bleach
and some baking soda

in our Halloween teeth.

And wham bam,

our chiclets are whiter than

the cast of "Downtown" Abbey.

If we're gonna be on TV,
we got to look good.

This telethon is gonna be seen
by literally dozens of people.



Oh, right.
The telethon is this year.

A telethon for what?

I don't know what's it's for.

Schools or disease or...

people who drowned
in that salami.

The important thing is
they get their money

and we finally get to
sing our song on TV!

For years, Burt and I tried

to perform our special song

on Natesville's
Quad-Annual Telethon.

This is it, Virginia,
we're up next.

Are you ready?

No, I think it's
a higher register, like...

No. I'm having our baby.
No...



But no matter
how many times we tried,

something always
seemed to go wrong.

Also, we just want to thank
Ploppies Fish Dogs

for feeding all of our
hardworking volunteers

with their wonderful
fish-based sausage products.

And now, it's time
for a little song...

from Virginia and Burt Chance.

Good evening, Natesville.

What a treat it is to be here
for this wonderful cause.

Now we'd like to
sing a song for you.

Who likes rock and roll?

A-one, a-two...

Fish bone. Fish... fish bone.

Okay, I know
we tried this before,

but back again this year,
Virginia and Burt Chance...

Great cause.
Right to the song.

And a-one, and a-two...

Breaking news.

This just in...

This is the first telethon since
we became friends with Barney.

So we are guaranteed
to get on the air.

Why's it such a big deal to sing
your song on a local telethon?

We know we're amazing singers.

But now, through the
magic of television...

the whole world will know.

This will finally
legitimize us as people.

I think you guys might be
putting too much weight on TV.

It's just a bunch of people
saying clever quips

followed by
a catchy theme song.

♪ Whoo!

Uh-oh.

Bad news.

Either Gil has learned to do
the sidestroke, or he's dead.

Oh, no.

Poor Hope--
she's gonna be so upset.

We need your help.

We're in the middle
of a crisis, Mom.

Hope's goldfish died.

That's not a crisis.

A crisis is when they move your
favorite show to Friday night.

Now I don't know
whether Booth and Bones

are still boning on Bones.

Or when your granddaughter
swallows a marble

and you go to the hospital,
and then you realize

you forgot to VCR your favorite show.
Bones.

Wait, did that
actually happen to Hope?

Don't change the subject.

So about this dead fish,

here's what you do:
don't tell Hope

and just replace it with one
that looks exactly the same.

That's what they do on TV;
it works every time.

Yeah, when they do that
though, it always leads to

complications no one expected.

Yeah, but those complications

always lead to a funny
and heartwarming ending.

Every time.

Or we could take
this opportunity

to teach our daughter
about death.

You guys, not everybody
has to live their lives

like they're characters
on a television show.

What you just said,
that's so Raven.

Wait, so what's happening now?

I invited my new boss over
for dinner tonight,

so I need to pretend that
Burt and I live here...

and you guys are
the maid and butler.

Yeah, we're not doing that.

We already have a full house.
I don't want to spend

the whole night trying
to figure out who's the boss.

Especially when we have
family matters to discuss.

Fine, but we need to
borrow your dining room table.

'Cause not all of us were born

with silver spoons
in our mouths.

Good times.

This dinner
is my opportunity

to show Louise
I have what it takes

to be Regional
Assistant Manager.

Don't be nervous,
just be yourself.

What are you, crazy?

I can't be myself
and neither can you.

We got to be whatever they want us to be.

Whatever they say or do,
just go with it.

Oh! Oh!

Oh! Oh! Virginia!

Louise!

Oh!

Oh, and who's this

smoking hunk of beef?

Uh, my husband, Burt.

And who's this

slow... roasted...
pork shoulder?

You're doing great.

That's my husband, Talon.

And I know it looks like
there's a big age difference,

but that's just because
I can still pull young tail.

I hope everybody likes
Howdy's special blend

of instant dark roast.

I do, but none for Talon.

Too bitter.

Oh, hey, you got any of that
hot chocolate with the, uh,

little marshmallows in it?

Uh... I've got
chocolate syrup and water,

and I can pick the marshmallow
charms out of the cereal.

Works for Talon.

You remember
what we talked about?

No third person?

Now, go help Burt.

Ladies need to talk business.

So, what's your allowance?

Would you like some cream?

No, I take it black.

No, I know. Me, too.

Of course. Yeah.

Mmm.

You know, Virginia...
Yeah.

...I started out as a maid,
just like you.

You remind me a lot of myself.

Yeah, there's not a lot
of white blonde maids.

Virginia, that's
a little racist.

Uh-huh.

I love it.

And I like you!

We should get to know
each other better.

You like squash?

Squash.

I... Well, I love squash.

Mm-hmm.

Squash is a game?

I guess so.

That makes no sense.

I know.

If any vegetable
deserves its own game,

it's the potato.

It's the basis of
everything delicious.

It's given us the baked,

the mashed, the fried,
the totted.

What is squash?

Au gratin.

Looks like
a rich man's handball,

and they play with these
skinny little tennis racquets.

Oh, no. Ugh.

If I'm horrible,

I'll make a fool of myself

and ruin all the progress
I just made with my new boss.

My career will be over
before it's even started.

This is a complication
that was entirely unexpected.

Lord.

After hitting the
front wall first,

the ball may hit any
other number of walls

before landing in the
opponent's quarter court.

I'm telling you, this game
would be a lot more fun

if it was just people throwing
squashes at each other.

How about fat people
sitting on each other?

That's two games right there
that deserve to be called squash

more than this one.

Yeah, I think I'm just gonna...

Ow! Ow, my ankle!

Are you okay?

Great, you bought it.

Now I can fake an injury.

No, I didn't buy it.

I just thought we were
role playing, uh,

injured lady and paramedic

who likes to hook up
with injured lady.

No, but keep
that one filed away.

I found my old squash racquet.

Yeah.
Oh.

I have got a lot
of really great squash stories.

So, how's it going
with the fish?

Being honest was a bust.

Knew it. Told you
since you were a kid,

truth is overrated.

Yeah, about that fish--
tell us exactly what happened.

We had a funeral.

Please watch over Gilly

as he swims in that
great bowl in the sky,

and...

Well, now that
she's flushed him,

in order to replace him,
you're gonna have to tell her

that it swam through the pipes
and up the sink.

Kids are dumb.
They'll believe anything.

No, it's not
that hard to believe.

I remember when I was a kid,

my fish swam out of the sink
at least five...

Aw, man.

See?

See, that is how a little girl

should react when her pet dies.

But Hope--
she just giggled.

It was creepy.

Well, she is the child
of a serial killer.

I love her, but I got to admit,
when I'm alone with her,

I always have an exit strategy.

It was our fault. I mean, we
never made her take care of it,

so she never
connected emotionally.

Right. So we got her
Gilly the Second.

And this time she's been feeding
it and taking care of it.

I'm sure that's gonna
help her forge a bond.

Yeah. So when it dies,
she'll cry.

Instead of laughing
and flushing it down the toilet

with her dead shark eyes.

Dead fish. Dead fish.

What?

Ugh.

We just bought that fish
yesterday.

Flush the fish. Flush the fish.

I'm scared to say it,

but I think she's taking
after her mother.

I-I'm sure she just didn't
connect with it

because she can't hold it
or pet it.

I mean, you can't hug a fish.

Something my parents should
have told me before giving me

Guppy Goldberg-- may
she rest in peace.

Maybe we should just get her a
pet that's cuddlier than a fish.

You know? Something soft,
but durable.

Like a pioneer woman.

Okay, one, I was
talking about a hamster.

Two, your Dr. Quinn fantasy
is not happening.

It's a local telethon, Josie;
we don't have enough space

to recreate The Hunger Games.

You suck, Barney.

Well, I...

Oh, great, you're here.

You and Virginia
ready to rehearse?

Well, Virginia's not here yet.

But she will be here soon,

and I promise
we'll be ready to rock.

This means a lot to both of us.

Oh, well, great.

Well, let me know
when she arrives,

because we're
rehearsing in order,

and you're on right after
Dancin' Dan jumps the shark.

Oh, come on, Barney.

You know no one's
gonna be watching

after Dancin' Dan
jumps the shark.

Everyone will stop
watching long before that.

Probably sometime during the
act when Seamus O'Flathery

counts to a thousand
in a Mexican accent.

Give a nice warm welcome to...

Wow. Yeah. Uh-huh.

I thought "The Meat Locker" was
a weird name for a sports club.

This makes a lot more sense.

I tell my husband
I'm "playing squash"

because I don't want him
to know I'm coming here.

For business.

Here's your meat money.

Use it wisely.

Well, thank you.

Yeah, strip clubs aren't
really my idea of fun.

We're here to entertain
the Nakamura sisters.

Just help me close the deal,

and you'll be cruising
in one of those sweet

pink company sedans in no time.

I've always wanted the
status that goes along

with riding around
town in one of those.

Well, here's
your chance to get it.

Now go over there
and show those Nakamura sisters

how to have a good time.

No problem. I speak
a little Japanese.

Really?
Yeah.

Spend 25 years watching
Japanese horror movies,

you pick up a thing or two.

Well...

Hey, Virginia,
where have you been?

I'm sorry, Burt.

I know I missed rehearsal
for the telethon.

Louise dragged me
to a male strip club.

What? What about your fear
of man thongs?

Louise says in order
to be successful

you need to conquer your fears.

Besides, they didn't keep 'em on
for very long.

Hey, you remember
little Billy Watkins

who used to live
down the street?

Sure.
Well, he's all grown up now.

Why would your boss take you
to a place like that?

Because she's teaching me

that business doesn't just
get done in the boardroom.

It happens at the Steak House,
the Nineteenth Hole,

and the Old Boys' Club,

which, by the way,
are also male strip clubs.

What Natesville lacks
in adult literacy,

it makes up for
in adult entertainment.

Louise thinks I have it in me
to be more than just crew chief.

She thinks I could climb
all the way to the top.

Apparently, there's a beautiful
glass ceiling up there.

A glass ceiling?
That sounds dangerous.

I'm surprised they'd let
a woman up there.

Right?

Anyway, I'm exhausted.

Hey, we got
to practice our song.

We'll be fine.
Oh, and I got to meet you

at the telethon tomorrow. I got
a meeting at the Meat Locker.

And before that we're gonna grab
a bite at the Sausage Factory,

which I'm praying
is a breakfast place.

Thanks again for letting us use

one of your mice
as a pet for Hope.

And we promise, we'll make a
good home for Mr. Whiskers.

Please. Mr. Whiskers
was his father.

He prefers to be called Len.
Huh.

I was gonna feed him
to my snake anyway.

Doesn't naming him
make it harder

to feed him to your snake?

Some people feel that way,

but I believe it gives him
a quiet dignity in death.

Hey, Hope!

You want to come meet
your new best friend?

All right.

Look, sweetie.

Isn't it adorable?

You want to touch him?
He doesn't bite.

No.

Whoa.

Your kid is cold.

Even I think Len's cute,

and I was gonna watch him get
slowly digested over ten hours.

Come on, Natesville.
If you donate over ten dollars,

we'll send you this wonderful

Howdy's tote bag.

Son of a bitch! I think
that freakin' can broke my toe.

You guys are up next, Burt.

But Virginia's not here yet.
I can't go on without her.

Where is she?
I don't know.

She promised she'd be here.

Well, she's not
and we can't wait.

White Morgan Freeman
is almost finished miming

all of regular Morgan Freeman's
greatest roles.

See? He's done his
Driving Miss Daisy.

And his Shawshank is just him
air-hugging Tim Robbins.

Hey. Go tell Dancin' Dan
and the shark to get ready.

Oh, come on.

Thanks, Jackhammer.

Nice to see you, Mrs. Chance.

You, too, Billy.
Tell your mom I said hi.

Will do.

So, like I was saying,

Knock Knock Knock has

the lowest prices,
the pinkest uniforms,

and... we hate
dolphins, too.

Hey, uh, FYI,

the dolphin talk is kind
of a sensitive subject.

Oh, gotcha. Yeah.

So, um, hey, Pearl Harbor.

What a great movie, huh?

You are killing it.

Kyoko told me she wants to fly
us to Vegas on her father's jet.

Hey, ladies,

I think there might be
a storm front moving in,

because here comes the rain!

How about you?

No, no, no, no, no, no,

no, no.

Oh, my God! I forgot!

I-I have to go. Um, I'm supposed
to be at the telethon with Burt.

You can't leave.
This is business.

I'll just be a few minutes.
Really. I promised my husband.

Husbands are expendable.

You think Talon's
my first husband?

He's not even my first Talon.

Besides, you can do
a lot better than Burt.

Now, you just stay put

and earn that pink sedan.

Listen, lady,
you can take that pink sedan

and park it
in your brown garage.

For your information,
my garage is bleached.

I'm gonna give you one
more chance to sit down

and let some strange man
rub his junk all over you,

or you can forget
about that promotion.

There's only one strange man
I let rub his junk on me,

and that's my slow cousin
Jeffrey,

because he doesn't know
any better.

Did I make it?

Yeah. Yeah, Dan, you made it.

It's now or never. You and
Virginia are on, Burt.

I can't. She's still not here.

Well, we got to put
something on the air.

Right now, the people
at home are just watching

a dazed shark eat a cape.

The pledges have stopped, Burt.

We have got to move
that tote board.

Wait. This is on TV.

That means everything
has to work out.

Virginia's gonna burst
through that door any second.

Right... now!

Or... now!

Now?

Geez, Burt, you're
bringing me down

even more than that act
that was a six-year-old girl

talking about her
parents' divorce.

Nobody move.

It's the cops.

This club is operating
without a license.

We're gonna need statements
from all of you.

I can't believe this.

I'm stuck in the Meat Locker!

Uh...

this is a little song
I usually sing with my wife.

Tonight, I'm going solo.

I think it should work out
just the same.

♪ Don't go breaking my heart

♪ Oh, honey, if I get restless

♪ Don't go breaking my heart

♪ Oh, honey, when you knock
on my door... ♪

Hey, Hope, look.

Now that Len can follow you
in his go-ball,

you two can be best friends!

Jimmy,
this is pointless.

I really don't
think Hope cares.

I mean,

look at this drawing
that she's doing.

That's interesting.

I'll call Frank to pick up Len.

In the meantime, I'm gonna
move him somewhere safer.

Oh, my God. Jimmy.

Daddy!

I'm okay.

Oh.

Well, she does care
about one stupid animal.

Me.

Can we go to the concussion?

I think I have a hospital.

♪ Don't go breaking my heart

♪ I won't go breaking
your heart... ♪

Okay, thank you,

Burt Chance,
for those seven renditions

of "Don't Go
Breaking My Heart."

People are taking
back their donations.

I'm sorry, Barney;
I thought she'd be here by now.

I am so sorry.
I am so sorry.

I really screwed up tonight.

That's okay. I knew you'd come.

No, it's not okay.

I got so caught up in my job

that I forgot
about what's important.

Well, what about your promotion
and your pink car

and your glass ceiling?

None of that matters, Burt.

I'm so sorry.

I got seduced by the glamour of
assistant regional management.

But I'm gonna make a pledge.

I'll never stand you up again.

Keep kissing!
People love it!

Grope her for charity!

Do you mind singing
our song one last time?

I'd love to.

Oh, yeah!

We did it! We're all going home!

Good night, Natesville!
Roll the credits!

Thank you for your pledges.

Make sure to visit
the Museum of Medical Devices.

From here on out,
it's just Barney and Dan

beating a shark to
death on live TV.

But you didn't get
to sing your song together.

The important thing is
we learned something

about our relationship
that we wouldn't have learned

if we'd never been on TV.

Like I learned that you can't

let focusing on your job get
in the way of being together.

And it worked out in a clever
and unexpected way

because we did it
the way they do on TV.

We didn't replace Hope's fish
with a look-alike,

and everything worked out great
for us, too.

Yeah. And it turns out
Hope does have compassion.

She's just not a pet person.

You two did everything
the way they do it on TV.

You just don't know it.
What you talking 'bout?

Perhaps you remember a show
called That's My Munchkin.

That's not a real show.

Actually, it was.

I loved That's My Munchkin.

They only made four episodes,

but Jimmy watched every one
about a thousand times.

Don't worry, Buddy,
you'll be safe up here.

Whoa!

Oh, no!

Oh, my God, are you okay?

Daddy!

Well, looks like she does care

about one stupid animal.

Me.

I love you, Daddy.

That's my munchkin!

Now can we go to the concussion?

I think I might have a hospital.

It's not the same.
That's just a coincidence.

Maybe you're right.
I guess your lives

really don't resemble
anything on TV.

So, what's everybody
up to next week?

Not much.

I'm gonna pretend
to be Barney's girlfriend

while his moms come
to visit town.

Hmm. I got to go meet my
pregnant friend in an elevator.

We couldn't think
of anything new to do,

so we're just gonna
make a family video.

You know, clip together
some of our favorite moments

from over the years.
That sounds boring.

Oh, no. We're gonna talk
in between the clips

to spice it up a little.

Oh.