Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 17 - Baby Phat - full transcript

So I was looking for my
pocket pool game in the closet

and I found this.

And I don't know
what game it is,

but it kind of smells like pee.

That's 'cause I peed on it.
Aah!

Why would you pee
on a video game?

Jimmy, it's not a video game.

This is my ovulation kit.

I used to use it with Wyatt,
so I could make extra sure

I wouldn't get pregnant.

So... why do you
still have it?



Because the pharmacy
has a very firm

"once peed on,
no return" policy.

But you're not still
using it, right?

No, no, no.
Of course not.

I feel like, if we got
accidentally pregnant,

that'd be great, right?

Why would it have
to be accidentally?

Are you saying what
I think you're saying?

I'm not... not saying
what you think I'm saying.

Well, I'm not not
loving what I'm hearing.

I'm not sure that I'm following

what you're not not loving.

I'm loving the idea
of having a baby.

Me, too.



Let's not not do this thing.

Uh, now...

which end of this thing
do I pee on?

Yuck.

♪ Whoo!

Aw, you guys can't
eat all this junk.

It'll kill you.

We need the energy.

It's planting season,

and I'm laying down
fertilizer ten hours a day.

Planting season means
all the part-time maids are

taking off for
higher paying farm work,

so I'm working double shifts.

This is all that
gets us through the day.

The energy drinks
they sell in stores

aren't strong enough,
so we make our own.

We call them cola-chinos.

I know it sounds kind of gross,
but with a little sugar,

tastes kind of good.

♪ Pour some sugar on me...

Since the news told us

energy bars are really
just candy bars

in fancy wrappers,
we came up with our own idea.

The sugar-burger--
really gives us the extra pep

we need to get through the day.

♪ Pour some sugar on me...

My skin is electric!

♪ Ooh, in the name of love

♪ Pour some sugar on me

♪ Come on, fire me up

♪ Pour your sugar...

Unfortunately,
if you don't keep eating it,

you crash pretty hard.

♪ Sugar me.

You're stress eating.

What you need is
to get away and relax.

We could never afford
to do that.

I'm going on a retreat
this weekend.

It's all-you-can-eat-and-drink,
has beautiful scenery,

and it's free.

What's the catch?

No catch.
All you have to do is

sit through
a short presentation.

We love those!

We've fallen for
several pyramid schemes.

Plus, we had a fun two months
as Scientologists.

I don't know. I think...

Sorry, my pancreas seized up.

I should probably
go to urgent care,

but your vacation
sounds more fun.

Hope is down for her nap,
so let the baby-making begin.

Here, drink this.

It's called conceivabili-tea.

Oh, God, that's awful.

Why are we drinking this stuff?

It's supposed to activate
all of our fertility channels.

Why don't we just
get drunk and do it

in the back of the car?

That's how everybody
I know gets pregnant.

I'm ovulating right now.

We only have 72 hours
to make this baby,

and I-I want to
do it right.

So does that still
involve me and sex?

Maw Maw?

What are you doing here?

It's all in the note.

Jimmy...

We... knew...

you...wouldn't...

Hey, let me see that.

Jimmy, we
knew you wouldn't say yes to this,

but we need you to watch
Maw Maw for a few days

while we go on
a relaxing vacation.

You can say no,
but she will surely die,

and it will be all your fault.

Your parents just
ditched us with Maw Maw.

Don't act like
I'm such a burden.

I may be old, but I can
take care of myself.

Uh...

Well, if Maw Maw's
gonna be here,

maybe we should just
wait until next week

to start the whole baby thing.

No, Jimmy!

Look, if we don't get pregnant
in the next three days,

then we got to wait
another year.

My lady eggs are all dressed up

and ready to go
to the ball right now.

A year?

I thought your eggs hatched every month.
Well...

The female body
is such a mystery to me.

I know it is, Jimmy.

I can't open
any of these cabinets.

That's 'cause
they're child-proofed.

If we get pregnant now,

then our baby
will be born in November.

Just trust me 'cause
I've looked at a calendar.

There have been
countless studies

that show that all of
the most successful babies

have been born in November.

Because they're
the oldest in their class.

One reason I support
your theory

is that it means we can
have sex right now.

This house sucks!

Maybe we should just go do this
at your parents' house.

We might be better off

dealing with Maw Maw
on her own turf.

It'll be fine.

Apparently you two rocket
scientists insist on

child-proofing your toilet,

so you're going to need
to buy a new hamper.

This place is so luxurious.

I just got back
from the bathroom;

the stalls are huge.

I can finally do my
business starfish-style.

I love these big comfy chairs.

Feel like I'm on Oprah.

Oh.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I'm Shelby Hornsby,
founder of Handles.

And yes, I used to have them.

Until those handles
opened a door

that led me to
a healthy lifestyle.

Oh, my God,
Burt, everyone here is huge.

Barney brought us
to a fat camp.

...just like it was for one of

our biggest and now littlest
success stories:

Barney Hughes!

You may not believe it,
but this tight set of buns

was once able to fill out these.

Whoa.

And recently, I helped
two other people achieve

the same amazing results.

That's us.

He computerized us
into fat people.

And there's the catch.

Virginia and Burt Chance,
stand up and take a bow.

Two things you couldn't do
six months ago.

Oh, thank you,

but Virginia and Burt
are the real heroes.

Barney...

what the hell's going on?

Why'd you lie
about us being fat?

I'm sorry I lied,

but I needed to tell people that
I inspired you to lose weight,

so I could get my pants on

the Wall of
Quadruple Excellence.

The what?

Whoa.

Oh, my God.
I thought those were kites.

It's where Handles honors
their most inspirational alumni.

And it's always been
my dream to be up there,

but I've never been
able to inspire anybody.

That's not true, Barney.

Whenever I'm having a hard day,
I think, "Look at Barney.

"Dead-end job,
no wife, bleak future,

"and that poor bastard always
has a smile on his face.

What do I have to
complain about?"

Thanks, Burt.

So will you help me?

I don't know. I don't want
to give all these campers

false hope that they can
have all this.

I mean, it's taken years
of cigarettes, being poor

and manual labor to achieve these hot bods.
Yeah.

Hey, excuse me.

We've been coming
here for years,

and for the first time
we were able to see

your amazing results firsthand.

Because of you,

we're gonna stop living a lie.

I don't know, Virginia.

It might be kind of cool.

We could be fake inspirations
to people, like Lance Armstrong.

Anyone with the confidence

to wear biker shorts
with one ball is okay with me.

Okay, Barney, we're in.

Okay, so I've lit the candles,
classical music is playing.

Now, can you please
explain to me

why you're standing
on your hands?

Well, I read on several
online baby blogs

that this helps get the smartest
eggs in the, uh, prime position.

If you could maybe just
help me over to the bed.

Okay.

You okay?

That's all right,
I'm okay, just maybe...

let's just close our eyes

and just think of something
really beautiful, huh?

What do you see?
Maw Maw.

Whatever works for you,
Jimmy, that's fine.

Maw Maw's here watching us.

Oh, God.

It's not dinner and a show
unless the show actually starts.

Hey, isn't it bedtime, Maw Maw?

No, it's pickle-time.

You've been out of
the house for too long.

Damn, I totally forgot
about pickle-time.

She sleeps all day and when
she wakes up, she eats pickles

for three hours and annoys
the hell out of everyone else.

That's the plan.

Okay.

I know it's not perfect.

Maybe we should just start
where we left off, huh?

Okay, so deep breaths.

Oh, yeah.

Why does the bathroom
smell like pickles?

Huh?

How does she do that?

A magician never
reveals her tricks.

Also, I have no idea
how I got here.

Boy, shaking hands
and looking thin

really works up an appetite.

I know. I've been hungry
since the morning weigh-in.

I've never seen a scale
with a seat before.

All right, guys, remember,
everyone's gonna be watching

to see what you're eating,
so don't go crazy.

Got it. Small portions.

Thin slice of pie,
nothing a la mode.

So, this is the salad bar.

Where's the rest of
the all-you-can-eat buffet?

It's an
all-you-should-eat buffet.

All the food options
are healthy, and the plates

are specially designed
for portion control.

So it's crappy food
that we only get a little of?

Barney, this isn't food.

This is the food
they feed to your food

before they feed it to you.

Guys, please.

Everyone's watching.

You're the "afters"
to all their "befores."

At this place,
you're the heroes.

I don't know, Barney.

I mean, yes,
we're the only ones here

who would look good in tights,

but that doesn't make us heroes.
Are you kidding?

These people would follow you
to the ends of the earth.

Barring a steep incline
or any big jump in humidity.

Mmm, wow.

I don't know why
they call this roughage

when it goes down so smooth.

We haven't even
started this thing

and I've got sweat
pouring out of every pit,

crack and skin fold.

Ah, you're fine.

This is just what it feels like
to be healthy.

No wonder vegans
are such jerks.

Okay, it's time to start.

Now, remember,

every dream I've ever dreamed

hinges on your performance.

No pressure.

Go!

♪ My name is yum yum
gimme some ♪

♪ My name is
yum yum gimme some ♪

♪ My name is yum yum
gimme some ♪

♪ My name is
yum yum gimme some... ♪

Oh, that was pathetic.

Are you two okay?

We're fine.

We're just stretching.

Our lungs.

Oh, my God.

You guys are in worse shape

than I thought.

I'm so itchy.

I know. Me, too.

Feels like I got gummy
worms under my skin.

No, don't worry.
You're gonna be fine.

We're here.

The contraband room.

While most Handles campers
come with open hearts,

many also come
with hidden pockets

filled with sugar, fat and salt,
all of which ends up here.

Enough talk, Barney!

Yeah, let us in.

These are just sponges.

These cakes smell
like urinal cakes.

Cake is cake.
Give me that!

I'm doing this
for your own good.

Barney!

What the fudge?!

Oh, how good would fudge be
right now?

Hey, hey.

Let us out!

No. I spent nine hours
altering those photos,

and I brought you two up here

in the hopes of changing
some peoples' lives.

But seeing the condition
you're in,

I realize it's your lives
that need changing.

We don't need changing, Barney!

Look at us.
We're beautiful.

Every woman in this place
would kill

for Virginia's breasts
or her thighs or her wings.

Oh, my God, I'm hungry!

Oh, you're going through
junk food withdrawal.

You look terrible!

That's just another one
of your fat camp lies.

Get us a mirror.

Handles doesn't
have any mirrors.

Ever since a guest shattered
one and used the shards

to kill and eat a raccoon.

Oh, how good would raccoon be
right now?

Trust me, I'm doing
this for your own good.

No, no. No, no, no.
No! No!

Barney!

Ooh!

Maybe we can eat these.

How different can a packing
peanut be from a circus peanut?

Oh, my God.

So different.

Maybe there's some sugar
in this glass cleaner.

I wouldn't do that.

It tastes terrible.

What the hell?
Shh.

Is there somebody in here?

Who are you?

Kevin. They caught me
smuggling candy bars,

and they locked me in here.

Well, there's got
to be way out.

There is a way,

but it's impossible.

You have to walk up

two flights of stairs,

and then somehow scale
a four-foot-chain-lit fence.

Then, if you manage
to get over that,

well, it's still half a mile

of only partially-shaded road
until the nearest town.

None of that sounds
that difficult.

Well, I guess if you're
a superhero or something.

So, there's no lasers
or fields of landmines?

Don't need 'em.

There's a window
behind that shelf,

but you'll never get through it.

Why?

Is it bolted or locked?

Painted shut?

Is it...?

Come on, Kevin.
Come with...

Where is he?

What's weirder?

We both hallucinated the
same overweight friend,

or a mop told us how to
get out of this room?

I don't care.

We're out.

Oh.

Hey.

Finally.

Now let's get started
on Little Jimmy.

Doesn't really help
my confidence

when you call it "Little Jimmy."

Oh. Oh, no, no, no.

I was just talking
about our future son.

Whoa! Jimmy.

Weird seeing you here.

Weirder than going out
in a man-sized onesie?

My house got robbed.

I couldn't stay there,
so I quickly changed

into my jammies
and grabbed my go bag.

But why would you come here?

I always come here
when I'm scared at night.

Okay, you know what?
That's fine.

You can stay here, but

we are gonna be in the bedroom.
Please don't bother us.

We'll see you in the morning.

You won't even know I'm here.

Now... where were we?

Whoa. Are you okay?

Oh, you heard that?

Yeah, we did.
What are you doing?

You're gonna wake up
Hope and Maw Maw,

and it took us all day
to put them down.

I forgot to mention I have
stress-induced night terrors.

Oh.

Burt usually rocks
me back to sleep.

With his guitar?

With his arms.

For a man who works outdoors,

he has a surprisingly
gentle embrace.

Okay. Fine.

Yeah.

Yeah. Okay.

Hopefully,
he'll fall asleep soon,

and then I can go back to bed
and, you know, join you.

Hopefully, by then,

I will have completely erased
this image from my brain.

Sabrina, I'm trying
to sleep here.

Would you mind...?
Shh.

And, Jimmy,

it wouldn't hurt if you put on
a little of your dad's cologne.

Shh. Shh.

Oh. Oh.

Shh. Shh.

Oh, I can't wait to eat some

good food sold to me by a clown,
a king or a plantation owner.

But we don't have any money.

I don't want to sell my body
for nuggets, but I will.

Do you smell that?
Is it? Could it be?

Oh.
We're gonna live!

Hey.

French fries!

Get in the minivan, kids.
Get in the minivan now!

Zombies!
Go, go, go!

Help! They're
gonna eat us!

I don't think this is
working out for us.

That's okay.

I got a better plan.

I used to do this
when Hope was a little baby.

It's called a
"baby burrito."

Yeah, I remember.

Seeing what a good father

you were is what made me
fall in love with you.

We still got 15 minutes left
in my little baby egg window.

Let's go.

Oh.

Mommy! Daddy!

Oh, God, I'm blind!

Wait. Is it night?

Daddy?

No reason to ignore
the phone now.

Hello?

You're where?!

Jail. We're in jail.

Bring bail money
and anything in the kitchen

with "high fructose
corn syrup" on the label.

The higher the better!
Yeah, higher the better.

Now, you guys sit here and
behave; and so we don't have

a repeat of the whole
why-are-you-hitting-yourself

incident from the car,
Hope's in charge.

Now,

what'd you guys do?

It's all Barney's fault.

Oh, Virginia!

Envelopes!

Unlicked!

Jackpot!

Ah, there you two are.

Stay back!

We're not going
back there, Barney!

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm-I'm friendly.

Look.

Ooh...

It's okay, fella.

Mmm, mmm.

You guys, I am so sorry.

I got so caught up
in getting my pants

on the Wall of
Quadruple Excellence

that I lost sight of what it
means to be truly inspirational.

You two don't have the same
issues with food that I do,

and to think
that locking you in a cage

would do you any good was wrong.

It's gonna take a lot more

than a couple sugar cubes to
get us to forgive you, Barney.

I know.
That's why I brought this.

Oh.

He's got the good stuff!

We love you, Barney!

Freeze, junkie scum!

Turns out, all that stuff
was real candy,

which you were eating
in a Dumpster.

So the only thing
you're guilty of is being

gross, disgusting people
who probably have hepatitis C.

Please leave this police station

and try not to touch anything
on your way out.

These are for everybody, right?

Are we there yet?
Not that I have

the faintest clue
where we're going.

We're almost home, Maw Maw.
Just go to sleep, okay?

I'm sorry about this.

I guess we missed
our 72-hour window.

Honey, there's gonna be
other windows.

And, like, it's really
not the worst thing in the world

at we have to wait
another year, right?

I'm not bummed about it
if you're not bummed about it.

Oh, baby, I'm not bummed.

Plus, it's like, we already got
the greatest kid in the world.

I guess we just
enjoy being parents to Hope

and wait until
the time is right.

Yeah, and, you know, like,
I'm not not into practicing

as much as we possibly can until
that time comes.

So, do you want
to go to the pharmacy

and not not pick up condoms?

I don't not not want to do that.

You guys are not not
grossing me out.

Barney didn't get his pants

on the Wall Of Excellence,

but he did find
a place for them

where they could do some good.

Even though Barney lied to us,

I'm still glad we went to Handles.
Me, too.

The detox was hard,
but now that we're past it,

I'm really glad we're making
smarter food choices.

Like these apples.

What does "GMO" stand for?

Oh. "God Made Organic"?

Probably.

And these apples are
made with 70% synthetic corn.

Now, that's got to be healthy.