Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 4, Episode 21 - How I Met Your Mullet - full transcript

My parents had a rule

that if either one of them ever
came into some unexpected cash,

they bought the other one a gift.

And they'd been doing it a long time.

I put on one of Paw Paw's old coats

and there was ten bucks in the pocket.

I paid extra for the guy behind the counter

to solve it for you.

Everyone's gonna think I'm a genius.

They were drug-testing
all the guys buying mulch.

Three different guys gave
me ten bucks for my pee.



The war on drugs is really working.

Yes!

Bubble wrap!

Now I can do that neck cracking thing.

Ow.

Some guy gave me ten dollars

just to drive his car across
town and not look in the trunk.

Fixes everything.

I was at the mall and got
paid 20 bucks to go into a room

and decide what was going
to be on NBC next season.

A banana hammock!

This is great.

Now we have somewhere
for the bananas to sleep

so they won't feel judged



by all the other fruit

for their irregular shape.

When my mom got promoted
at Knock Knock Knock,

her raise was the biggest
"found money" of her life.

Okay, Maw Maw.

Tell him what he's won!

It's a pregnant donkey!

No, Maw Maw.

It's a grill!

It's not just any grill, Burt.

Haven't you seen the
commercial where the pig's

last wish is to be cooked in one of these?

Pretty sure they pay the pigs to say that.

Besides, I'm in more of a soup mood.

Oh, okay.

I liked this job

a lot better when

I got to sleep with Bob Barker.

Whoo!

Hello, post-sex ice cream sandwich.

I have earned you and you will be mine.

Whoa! Who are you?

Who are you?

Sabrina!

There is a crazy lady in our house.

What?

Eleanor?

Sabrina.

You know this woman?

Oh, this is my husband Jimmy.

Jimmy, this is Miss Eleanor.

She's Nana's old maid.

Well, not old maid.

But you're not really that young,

and you didn't ever marry...

That's enough, dear.

I haven't seen you in forever.

What are you doing here?

I was in the hospital

getting my hips, knees and elbows replaced.

But now I am spry as a kangaroo

and ready to get back
working for your grandmother.

My grandmother?

Her door was closed.

I assume she's sleeping
off her breakfast cocktail?

Oh, she's sleeping all right.

Very soundly.

Oh, my scones are done.

Come on.

Come on...

She doesn't know Nana's dead.

What should I do?

Well, just say what you said

to her... her gardener,
her butler and her jester:

"Nana's dead... we can't afford you now."

But that wasn't her jester.

That was her violent, alcoholic dog walker.

She just put those little bells on his hat

so she would know when he was coming.

But you're right. There's
nothing better than the truth.

Except for Eleanor's

double chocolate triple berry nut scones.

And don't forget my handmade whipped cream.

Oh, mmm.

Mmm...

Eleanor...

there's something I have to tell you.

Nana's on vacation in Peru.

Say no more.

I understand completely.

Toot toot.

Well...

Burt... why aren't you using the new grill?

'Cause I love this old one.

It has been seasoned.

Gives everything that
great hickory chrome flavor.

Plus one lucky person's burger

gets branded with the
words: "Please return cart."

Oh, forgot my matches.

Oh, my gosh...

the Burn Master Pro Series.

Their slogan used to be,

"Lights so easy, a child could do it."

I wonder why they changed that.

Yeah, why aren't we cooking on this baby?

Half my day is spent

chiseling boogers off shopping carts.

I don't really want to
eat food cooked on one.

I know, it's weird.

I got a raise, so I bought Burt

this fancy new grill, and
he won't even touch it.

You bought it for him...

Well, that explains why
we're eating booger burgers.

Yeah, Virginia.

A man's grill is his connection

to his primal beginnings.

It's a true extension of his manhood.

He means it's like his wiener.

Exactly.

You basically just wheeled in

a bigger, more powerful wiener

and put it right in his backyard.

And if I know Burt,
he's not the kind of guy

who likes a big, powerful wiener

shoved into his backyard.

That's ridiculous.

Burt does not think that way.

Hey, Burt, before you light that,

are you sure you won't
even try the new grill?

Yeah.

I love this little guy.

It leans to the left

and it takes a little longer
to heat up than it used to,

but once I get cooking,

nobody's left unsatisfied.

Burt?

What's this giant present?

I bought it for you!

Found money!

Oh, man, this is amazing!

Oh...

How much money did you find?

$320,

tucked away in a heater vent.

I thought Paw Paw must've put it in there,

but when I asked Maw Maw about
it, she said "Who's Paw Paw?"

So I think we're good.

Burt, I put that money in there.

Wait a minute.

If you found money,

you were supposed to buy me a gift.

Does that mean I get the chair?

No, Burt...

I didn't find the money.

I got a raise

and I've been hiding the cash

'cause I didn't want you
to see it and feel bad.

Why would I feel bad?

- Because I make more money than you?
- I don't care about that.

Well, then why won't you use
the fancy new grill I bought you?

Because the shopping cart has years

of seasoning caked right into it.

I love cooking on that thing.

You're not feeling demasculated?

You kidding? I'm proud of you.

How much are you making anyway?

Here's my last pay stub.

There's a comma in this.

We've never made comma money.

Are you upset?

Upset? I'm retiring.

I'm out, baby!

I'm not going to work today,

tomorrow or ever.

I'm gonna call my boss and
tell him to screw himself.

And since I'm my boss, I just did!

So what's your plan for today?

Oh, I got a lot of things I want to get to.

First thing, I want to
watch that little bird

come out of that clock.

That's not a cuckoo clock.

We'll see.

Are you sure you want to quit your job?

Well, after expenses, I
barely broke even anyway.

It's more of a hobby than a job.

And I always said, when
my business made it big,

you could quit being a maid
and follow your passion.

Well, since you're the
one who made it big...

You want to follow your passion.

- Heck, yeah.
- So, what is your passion?

My passion is fashion.

Wait, no.

I just heard Tim Gunn say that.

I guess I don't have one.

Sabrina, we've got to tell Eleanor

that we can't afford to pay her.

But, Jimmy, did you feel how soft

those towels were in the bathroom?

It was like drying your face with a kitten.

So, we'll rescue a kitten
for you to rub your face on.

Eleanor?

Oh. Excuse me.

- Uh, we need to talk to you.
- Just let me give you your tea first.

Here's chamomile with
one sugar for you, and

for the master of the
house, chilled grape soda.

Listen, Eleanor...

My God, this grape soda is good.

Oh, thank you.

I went all the way to the
bad part of town for it.

That's nice. And also, Nana's dead.

Yeah.

She's dead?

Oh, my God, that's so sad.

Yeah.

Do I still get my money?

What money?

From the trust that Nana set up

so that I could always work here?

Wait a second.

So we don't have to pay you a dime,

and you'll keep kitten-ing up our towels?

That's correct. Now,

would you like a straw for your grape soda?

I think it's what Nana would have wanted.

Yes.

With so much time on his hands,

my dad made finding his
passion a full-time job.

The Chinese are finally coming ashore,

looking for the money we owe them.

So I can't have sex and
I have to shave my head.

I'm sorry. I thought I was going

to be solving crimes
with a germaphobic dude.

Oh, my God!

That is amazing!

I know,

but while I was carving it, I felt nothing.

This isn't my passion,

just something I'm incredibly good at.

What's for lunch?

Guess I'm no good at this.

What?

Burt, wake up.

What happened?

I couldn't find my passion.

I tried all day, and nothing.

It feels like it shouldn't
take you a long time

to figure out your passion.

It took me a long time
to figure out my passion.

Well, maybe you just need to keep looking.

But my wife told me to keep looking.

I mean, maybe you...

Shh. I think the TV's trying

to tell me something.

Turns out my passion was
justice, justice, justice.

The only show shot
entirely in Mullet Vision.

Mullet... Natesville's answer to crime.

Oh, my God, that looks perfect for me!

You want to be a bounty hunter?

No, I meant growing a mullet
and running in slow motion,

but that's even better.

You really get me, Virginia.

I have found my passion.

Burt Chance: Bounty Hunter.

Are you going to be a bounty hunter,

or fight the robbers from Home Alone?

I have to be prepared for anything.

I've even got a baseball cap,

princess hat, and a sombrero

so I can blend in anywhere, or at least

at a ballgame, a castle or Mexico.

Babe, this whole thing
seems really dangerous.

Look, I got a list of
Natesville's bail-skippers.

None of them are very dangerous.

This guy's got a bunch of
outstanding parking tickets

for one of those wimpy motorcycles

with two wheels in the front.

Burt, fat guys with ponytails
can be dangerous, too.

Virginia, I love you, but don't worry.

I promise to be safe.

And as soon as I've collared enough perps,

I'm gonna buy a bulletproof vest.

And until then,

I'll be protected by this fishing vest

full of flasks and bibles.

Eleanor, can you keep down the dusting?

We're trying to watch
Hiking with the Stars.

Oh, I know. I can hardly

hear Paula Deen sucking the
venom out of Coolio's leg.

My hair's never been cleaner

since you came into my life, Eleanor.

Not hard to believe, sir.

Hey, Eleanor?

Do you mind cotton-swabbing my ears?

Sometimes I get excited,
and I go too deep too fast.

Here you go.

Nate Henson?

Burt Chance, bounty hunter.

You're coming with me, come here.

No, you big jerk, I'm Phil!

Nate's my identical twin brother!

Ah, please, nice try.

Even though you were
arrested for shoplifting,

the real crime's the murder
of these innocent plants

on this property.

Even the weeds are dead.

Phil, uh,

what's going on, man?

Nate? Nate Henson?

Bail-skipping shoplifter?

Aw, crap.

No hard feelings, Phil.

Now...

who's next after Nate Henson?

Phil Henson.

Damn it.

Mabel Harrington. Open up.

I've got a comically oversized
check for you and some balloons.

What's going on?

I'm... I'm so confused.

Well, you weren't confused
when you skipped bail

on $5,000 worth of parking tickets.

Oh, dear. There must be a misunderstanding.

I'm feeling a little faint.

Taste pepper spray, copper!

Nice try.

That's just cinnamon breath spray.

Turns out cinnamon burns.

Good.

Burt Chance, bounty hunter.

Oh, I did not think this through.

Do you prefer a right or a left hang?

My dentist is going to
be so happy we got a maid.

You guys,

I need your help. Your father...

The hell is going on here?

What does it look like?

We're getting our teeth flossed.

We're maid people now.

As a member of the
domestic service community,

normally right now I'd be
giving you a long talking-to

about abusing your maid, but your father

might be dead.

Eleanor, adjust my face to express shock.

Very good, sir.

Allow me.

Your father is following his dream

to become a bounty hunter.

But I'm really worried because

I've called him 37 times

and he hasn't answered his phone,

so I need you to help me

get on the computer and do that
thing where you find his phone.

No problem. That's
exactly how I rescued Jimmy

when he got stuck in that
parking garage in the mall.

I was chasing a balloon.

Virginia?

Burt?

What are you doing here?

You haven't been answering your phone,

and I've been worried sick.

I turned it off. I can't
get the jump on a skip

with my cell phone on blast... man.

I'll admit it. It's pretty damn sexy

when you talk like a bounty hunter,

but it's too stressful
for me to have you out here

on the streets. I want you to come home.

This is my passion.

Hunting bounties is what
I was put on Earth to do.

Asking me to stop is
like asking Fleetwood Mac

to stop thinking about
tomorrow. He'll never do it.

Okay.

When you put it like that,
I can't ask you to stop,

but I can't sit at home
worrying about you either. So...

if this really is your passion,

we should do it together.

Well, I really could use a partner.

Damn it. I should have built a bigger box.

So who we staking out?

It's my biggest payday yet.

The Big Kahuna.

Really? What's his name?

The Big Kahuna.

Would you two amateurs shut up?

You're gonna spook the skip. Shh!

Mullet! I've seen all
your shows. I'm a huge fan.

Let me guess. Burt Chance?

How'd you know who I am?

I've been hearing about you all day.

I can't have you moving in on my territory.

I got a mortgage, I got
two kids in private school,

a woman who wants new countertops.

You got to quit it, brother.

No way. This is my destiny, man.

Yeah, so step off, Achy Breaky.

Mullet don't care about no destiny.

This skip is mine.

You understand?

We got a runner!

Run, Burt!

Run!

Hey!

This plant's a wandering Jew!

I'm pretty sure that
makes this a hate crime!

What's going on?

It's a long story.

Oh, Dowager Countess.

You are salacious.

Thank you, Master Bates.

Why, what in heaven's name?

Sorry, buddy!

Oh!

Sweet hair!

Thanks, dude!

Big fan!

Crap!

Look out! Turkey!

Barney, stop him!

I'd love to, but I've been
working on this pyramid

of paper towels for over six hours.

Whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Ah.

Come on.

We've got quite a spillage of
tea in the break room, Barnard.

Cleanup in Aisle 1.

Jimmy,

why are you folding the laundry

when we have somebody
to do that for us now?

I was thinking about what my mom said

about abusing our maid, and...

I think our behavior is
starting to rub off on Hop.

Look,

your mom is just jealous

because Eleanor is a house maid

and your mom's just a
regular maid for hire.

Mmm. There.

No crust, dummy!

Oh, no!

Oh, my God, we got to get rid of her.

Eleanor, not Hope, right?

Well, thanks to you, we lost him.

Me? I'm the professional.

You amateurs cornered a dangerous criminal

in a public space.

I wouldn't call him dangerous.
He's a graffiti artist.

"Artist" is a loose term.

He draws penises on stop signs.

Come on down, Kahuna.
You're not gonna get away.

Never! And if you try to climb this tree,

I'll paint a penis on
it with indelible marker!

Well, I hope that marker's fireproof

'cause I got a flamethrower in my truck

with this stupid tree's name on it!

Stupid tree?

This is the oldest
Eldanica pine in Natesville.

- Who cares?
- I do. I watched this tree grow up my whole life.

I'm not gonna let you hurt it.

I don't give a crap about some stupid tree.

I'm all about the bounty. That's who I am.

Who are you, some sort of tree humper?

I believe the phrase is "tree hugger."

And if caring about a tree more
than some stupid bounty makes me one,

then maybe I am.

Come here, big guy!

Burt...

I don't think you wanted to retire

as much as you thought you did.

I think you're right.

Landscaping is my passion.

Just like my passion,

drawing ding-dongs on stuff.

Mullet...

you'll burn down this
tree over my dead body.

I wasn't really gonna burn the tree.

I just needed something big
before the commercial break.

Well, how you gonna get him down?

Tase time.

Eleanor,

we need to talk to you.

I know my nana promised
you a job for life here,

and... and it's really just that...

we don't want Hope to grow up in a house

where somebody does everything for her.

I'm really sorry, but I think
we're gonna have to let you go.

So you're firing me?

That's a strong word. Uh, really,

we're just giving you an opportunity...

Oh, thank God.

I thought the only way I
was gonna get out of this

was if your cute family died
in an unfortunate accident

or if someone was dropping

tiny drops of... of
arsenic into your scones!

You didn't.

But of course not, but everyone daydreams.

Well, you'll have to
forward my mail to Jamaica!

I'll be getting my groove back!

Yay!

She took that better than I thought.

You smell that, Virginia?

You really love that old grill, don't you?

I do. Each burger's infused
with the memory smell

of 100 burgers before it.

Labor Day 2001.

And you're sure you're not
upset that I make more than you?

Of course not. I love what I do
and I love watching you succeed.

Mom makes more than you?

It's not that big of a deal.

I make more than you do and you don't care.

What? You make more than me?

She makes more than me?

So, um, uh, h... how
'bout that grill, Burt?

U... uh, if you're not using it,

I'll take it off your hands.

Oh, of course.

The guy who owns a bed and a sofa.

Now you get a free grill.

- The rich get richer.
- Sorry, guys.

We're still using this one.

Makes the perfect herb garden.

Thanks, buddy.

Shirts and pants.