Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 20 - The Old Girl - full transcript
Surprises are in store for Hope and Jimmy.
JIMMY: Unfortunately,
Hope got bit by a cow
at Natesville's petting zoo.
Luckily, the petting zoo
is run by the butcher shop,
so to avoid a messy lawsuit,
they gave us
500 pounds of beef.
So lately, we've been eating
nothing but meat.
All right, tonight
we're having steak-etti
with meatballs and meat sauce.
And make sure you leave room
for beef cobbler.
(grunts)
I haven't pooped in a week.
Me, neither.
But I know it's coming,
and it's gonna be bad.
Four trains arriving
in the station at once.
Ooh, sorry I'm late.
I was at the gym trying
to work off some of this meat,
and I met a new girlfriend.
I knew it. I called lesbo
three months ago.
I'd have 20 bucks
if I'd gotten any takers.
No, you wouldn't have,
because she's just a friend.
Which I desperately need.
Especially after I found out
my Internet friend Cassandra
doesn't actually exist.
Hey, I was just trying to help.
(cell phone ringtone playing) Ooh.
Oh! That's Rachel calling
right now.
Isn't she pretty?
(screams)
(both scream)
(screams)
What the hell is wrong with you people?
I'm sorry. When I panic,
I throw things.
Your new friend
is my ex-girlfriend.
I was 18.
I had just come out of my goth phase
and was thinking of going to college.
So I drove out to one, thinking
if I didn't end up going,
I could still say I went to college
and hope the questions ended there.
Um...
I'd like some pork and beans, please.
(chuckles) You're funny.
Wait, we're not actually here
to feed students.
I'm not a student. No, I was
thinking of becoming a student,
but now that I've seen
everyone in their...
fancy horsey guy shirts,
I'm thinking maybe I'll just
take my pork and beans
and be on my way.
Well, you don't have to be rich.
You know, a lot of people
get here just by being smart.
Strike two. Beans, please.
Here. But I don't think
you should give up
on yourself so easily.
You're an underdog.
Everybody loves an underdog.
Especially a cute underdog.
(chuckles)
BURT:
Wow.
She's not just Natesville hot.
She's at least Milwaukee hot.
Yeah, I don't know, Jimmy.
Long-distance relationships
aren't such a good idea.
Plus, she's in college.
And while we've never been,
according to college movies,
things can get a little crazy.
Put the answers
to the final exam in your pouch,
next thing you know, you're hopping away
from the university police.
Am I the only one who saw
Big Kangaroo on Campus?
Well, me and Rachel are gonna work,
because I am gonna see her
every chance I get.
(sighs)
And I did.
I went to see her every single weekend.
Hi.
(chuckles)
Everything was going along great
until Uncle Jonas died. (crying)
But I want to go see Rachel,
not watch Maw Maw.
Life is so unfair.
Uncle Jonas gets stomach cancer,
and now I'm the one who has to suffer.
Stop being so selfish.
Your mother just lost
a member of her family.
(crying, sniffling)
(door opens)
(door shuts)
And now it starts to get interesting.
(chuckling)
Since I couldn't go see Rachel,
I tried to send her
something special every day.
But none of my gifts
could make up for the distance.
And eventually the letter
my parents warned me about arrived.
"Dear Jimmy, there's
no easy way to say this.
"I've met someone else,
and I'm breaking up with you.
"Even though you have
the biggest trouser snake
of any man I've ever been with."
It said that?
No, I just threw that in
to make you feel better.
And that sent me into a breakup funk.
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ It's not warm when she's away ♪
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ And she's always gone too long ♪
♪ Any time she goes away
♪ Wonder this time where she's gone ♪
♪ Wonder if she's gone to stay
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ And this house just ain't no home ♪
♪ Any time she goes away
♪ I know, I know, I know, I know ♪
♪ I know, I know, I know, I know ♪
♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know. ♪
That Rachel is a demon child
from the jowls of hell.
And we don't want her in our lives ever again.
(doorbell rings)
Well, that's gonna be a problem
'cause I invited her over for meat.
(whispers):
Hit the deck!
(groans)
(quietly): Maw Maw, get down.
We're hiding.
I'm 86 years old. I've...
got a colon packed with meat.
This is gonna take me a while.
(grunts)
(doorbell rings)
(quietly): Would you guys please get up?
Look, Rachel is great.
I've never had a BFF before.
And I finally found someone
who's worthy of me
using that ridiculous phrase.
(quietly): We're just
trying to protect Jimmy.
Obviously we care about him
a little more than you do.
SABRINA:
Really?
Okay, fine. Name his
top three allergies.
Trick question.
He doesn't have any allergies.
If I eat peanuts, I'll die!
That's right. He will.
Because Jimmy's a weakling.
His heart can't handle
seeing Rachel again.
That is why I forbid you
to open that door.
You can't tell me what to do.
And you can't tell Jimmy
what to do anymore, either.
Look, you are not a teenager anymore.
You're a husband and a father,
and even if no one
else here believes it,
I know that you are man enough
to handle this.
Sabrina's right.
(sighs)
(sighs)
She was right about me
being able to switch
from baths to showers,
and she is right about this.
I'm an adult now.
(sighs)
I rang the bell so long ago,
but I knew I had the right house
because I could smell all the meat.
Oh, yeah, the...
Jimmy?
Uh...
hello, Rachel.
Uh...
So,
funny story:
It turns out that my husband Jimmy
is your old boyfriend.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
It's-it's been so long.
Yes, it has.
Which is why I hope
what I'm about to say
doesn't ruin your new friendship
with Sabrina.
Jimmy, what are you doing?
Saying something that needs to be said.
When I wrote this seven years ago,
I wanted to make sure
that if I ever ran into you,
you would know exactly
how I felt when you dumped me.
"I thought that everything was going
"to be great between us.
"Then, all of a sudden, it was gone.
"If our relationship
was a hit new movie,
it would be called Crash."
Wh-When I wrote this,
uh, seven years ago,
that movie had just
won the Academy Award.
Never saw it, but I heard it was good.
Uh, da-da-da-da,
let me see, a couple
Hurricane Katrina references.
Uh... Osama Bin Laden
is dead now,
so that doesn't work.
This is really catching me off guard.
I... I don't even know
what to say.
I mean...
Well, I see you're still cozy
with Lance and Sally.
I am so embarrassed.
I have been calling
them Burt and Virginia
for like 30 years.
Oh, my...
Wait a second.
You know them?
Yeah, I know them.
They're the whole reason we broke up.
Mom! Dad!
Oh, look, Sally.
It's Rachel.
JIMMY:
I don't believe this!
Okay, let us explain.
It's not what you think.
VIRGINIA:
Jimmy was interested in girls
at a very young age.
I'm gonna give this ring
to that girl over there
and ask her to be my girlfriend.
Okay, good luck.
Go get 'em, tiger.
Excuse me?
VIRGINIA: The problem
was Jimmy liked girls
that were way out of his league.
I guess the urinal isn't the
only place he aims too high.
VIRGINIA: And sure enough,
once she realized
there were smarter,
richer guys out there,
Jimmy was kicked to the curb.
And we were left to pick up the pieces.
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ It's not warm when she's away ♪
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ And she's always gone too long ♪
♪ Any time she goes away
♪ Wonder this time where she's gone ♪
♪ Wonder if she's gone to stay
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ And this house just ain't no home ♪
♪ Any time she goes away
♪ I know, I know, I know...
Close your eyes.
♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know... ♪
I finally got him to go to sleep.
Poor little guy's heart is broken.
Just broken.
Burt, I'm talking about our son.
How can you...
Don't look at me.
Are you crying?
His tiny heart is shattered.
(sniffs) It's making me so sad.
(sobs)
So...
(sobbing)
...sad.
(crying):
I know.
I hate this.
I hate being so sad.
We can't ever let
this happen to us again.
Promise?
I... (gulping sobs)
I promise.
VIRGINIA: Knowing we
couldn't take seeing Jimmy
get his heart broken ever again,
we made sure he stayed away
from women that were out of his league.
Mommy, this is Tracy.
She's really smart.
She helped me with my letters,
and she taught me
that boogers aren't food.
Thanks for coming over.
Most kids don't want to
be friends with Jimmy.
I don't know if it's
because he has cooties
or because I'm a witch
who eats children.
(gasps)
And it didn't stop
when Jimmy became a teenager.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Susan.
You're the head cheerleader, right?
That's great.
What'd you get on your S.A.T.'s?
Wow.
Yeah, Jimmy can't come
to the phone right now.
He's in the bathroom
taking his, um, worm medication.
Yep.
His underwear looks like
the sidewalk after it rains.
Hello?
What is wrong with that boy?
Right down the block, there's
that bucktoothed redhead
with the one Frankenstein shoe.
She's perfect for him.
VIRGINIA:
We thought he had learned
to leave those types of girls alone.
But then Jimmy met Rachel,
and she sounded a little
too good for our taste.
Me and Rachel are gonna work,
because I am gonna see her
every chance I get.
(exhales)
(sighs)
You know we got to put a stop to this.
So we told Jimmy Uncle Jonas died
and that we were going to the funeral.
But instead we went to spy on Rachel.
We figured that since
she was away at college,
Rachel was probably already
cheating on Jimmy,
but we had to go up there and get proof.
So to blend in, Burt and I
dressed like students
in all the college movies we saw.
This isn't anything like
the college movies we saw.
Yeah. Where's
the uptight dean
and the crazy frat guys and...
where's the kangaroo, for God's sake?
I'm pretty sure you dreamt that movie.
No. Indiana Jones and the Planet
of the Pickles was a dream.
I'm pretty sure this one's real.
(Rachel laughing)
VIRGINIA:
Ooh, there's Rachel.
I recognize her from the picture.
I can't believe how hot she is.
I mean, the picture cut
her off at the waist.
I just assumed her ass ballooned out.
(gasps) That must be the guy
she's cheating on Jimmy with!
As soon as they kiss,
I'll snap a picture,
and we can go home.
(both laugh)
VIRGINIA:
Yo.
(Burt imitates birdcall)
(Rachel laughs quietly)
Crap.
All of a sudden, the slut gets shy?
This could be harder than I thought.
You go talk to that guy;
I'll talk to Rachel.
On it.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I made some terrible decisions
in my youth,
so I'm just now getting to college.
Could you tell me
where the laundry room is?
Oh, um, it's in the basement
of the student union.
So you have to go out the door,
down the stairs, past the econ building,
through the quad...
Whoa. Lot of college words there.
(laughing):
Yeah. Sorry.
You know what?
I'm actually headed that way,
so I'll just show you.
I'm Rachel.
Sally. Nice to meet you.
So...
are you hooking up with that hottie
I saw you with earlier?
Richard?
No. He's, uh...
he's in my a capella group;
we're just friends.
Right. Where have I
heard that before?
Oh, yeah, just from every
single guy and girl
who are "friends" right
before they had sex.
Well, not us.
Besides, I already have a boyfriend.
He lives in Natesville,
and his name is Jimmy.
(quietly):
Oh.
(scoffs) Jimmy from Natesville.
Sounds like a big-nosed
kid with a bad haircut
who wet the bed till he was seven.
But if that's what you like.
Hey. So, what'd you
find out about Richard?
He's premed, he likes
sports-scent deodorant,
he's got about 30 bucks in his wallet,
and he doesn't lock his door.
It's obvious he and Rachel
are perfect for each other.
According to his diary,
he hates his thighs and
he's shy with women,
so it might take him a
while to make his move.
Yeah, but in six months,
when he finally does make his move
and he and Rachel end up together,
Jimmy's heart is gonna be
completely shattered,
and we're gonna be left
to pick up the pieces.
Man, we got to help Jimmy.
And we got to free the Burmese people
from their oppressive regime.
After talking to Richard,
I wandered into a protest.
Well, his heart's gonna
get broken eventually,
so for Jimmy's sake,
we've got to break it now,
so it doesn't get more broken, later.
He's lucky he has us.
VIRGINIA: So we posed
as full-time students,
and we found some stuff
in the dorm lost-and-found
that helped us fit in better.
(mouthing)
ALL:
♪ Do, do, do... ♪
And to get closer to Richard and Rachel,
Burt and I joined the Cliff Notes,
their a capella group.
♪ Bum-bum, bum-bum ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do... ♪
I worked on getting Rachel
more interested in Richard...
RICHARD:
Hey, guys.
Mmm, mmm!
Better not see him naked on payday.
...while Burt worked on
gently building up Richard's confidence.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Be a man!
And stop letting me slap you around.
RICHARD: ♪ To sell your
body to the night ♪
♪ Roxanne
♪ Do, do, do ♪
♪ Roxanne
♪ Do, do, do... ♪
♪ You don't have
♪ To put on the red light
♪ Roxanne... ♪
♪ Put on the red light...
Meanwhile, we also had to make
sure that we intercepted
any mail or packages
that Jimmy sent Rachel,
and vice versa.
♪ Roxanne... ♪
♪ Put on the red light
♪ Roxanne... ♪
♪ Put on the red light
♪ Roxanne... ♪
♪ Put on the red light.
(Virginia whoops)
(indistinct chatter)
I think somebody
was checking you out during rehearsal.
Was it that creepy security guard?
My R.A. said they
were gonna fire him.
No.
Her.
(whispers):
Behind you.
You and Richard harmonize
so well together.
You should have sex and get married.
No way she'd ever be into me.
Any woman would be interested in you.
You're smart,
you're funny, you can sing.
Unless you're dealing
with baby-sized equipment,
you can have your pick.
Sally, I told you, I'm with Jimmy.
You haven't heard from him
for a couple of days.
I'm sure he's busy cheating on you.
I read somewhere how nine
out of ten Jimmys cheat.
I don't know, I think she just
sees me more like a friend.
You ever seen that show Friends?
Everybody was hooking up.
David Schwimmer nailed Jennifer Aniston.
Anything is possible.
You know what?
You're right.
I'm gonna go for it.
(whispers):
Attaboy!
(gasps) Wh...
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what the hell are you doing
kissing my...
(grunts)
friend Sally?
You told me to.
You said she was checking
me out during rehearsal.
No, I wasn't!
You... kind of were.
No... uh...
You're not even my type.
Sally, you're always talking
about how hot you think Richard is.
You are?
A hot guy for you,
Rachel, not for me.
We're nothing alike.
You're rich, and I'm not.
That's what I like about you.
You're, like, a real
working-class broad.
I'll bet you're dirty.
(gasps, grunts)
What the hell is going on here?
Uh... well,
according to this bulletin board,
um, lasagna day at the student union.
"All Folked Up" is at the coffee house!
(singsongy): And somebody's
getting rid of a futon.
Why do you have a backpack
full of stuff from my boyfriend?
What?
That's not my bag.
VIRGINIA:
That, uh, must be
your bag.
Oh, my God, this...
this is all making sense now.
The bag of stuff from Jimmy,
you trying to get me to cheat
on Jimmy with Richard,
why he hasn't called me lately.
You're hooking up
with Jimmy, aren't you?
What?!
VIRGINIA:
No, that's crazy!
Trust me, I could never
hook up with Jimmy.
(chuckles)
Stop it!
I'm tired of all the lies, Sally!
You're my sister.
I need you to stop lying.
The Indian chief who raised us
would want you to be honest.
You were raised by an Indian chief?
I am dating Jimmy.
(sighs) In fact...
...here's a picture
of me and Jimmy
and my... brother...
...and...
our tribe's medicine woman.
I can't believe this.
Well, believe it.
When I found out Jimmy
was seeing someone else,
I knew I had to get her out of the way
so I could keep all that hot...
Jimmy man-action
to myself.
You know what?
If you want Jimmy so bad,
you can have him.
So I forged a breakup
letter from Rachel,
sent it off to you in the mail, and...
the rest is history.
Wait, sorry, I got lost
at the beginning.
Could you go back to when the goofy
grocery store manager walks in?
He's in this one, right?
I can't believe you guys.
You should write a book on parenting
called The Opposite
of What You Should Do.
You should be thanking us.
If you had stayed with Rachel,
you never would've
knocked up a serial killer
and married the cutest
girl in the supermarket.
JIMMY: You're right. So I guess
I should just run on down
to the pharmacy,
get out a greeting card
that says "Thank you, parents,
"for secretly breaking up
my relationship
and hoping that I'm lucky enough
to stumble into something good."
They-they do have
some crazy ones now.
I saw one that said,
"Sorry your bird died."
(snorts) Really?
RACHEL:
I am out of here.
You people, seriously,
you're clinically insane.
Clinically insane or...
clinically insane like a fox?
Hey, wait, this is a new marriage, okay?
If it doesn't work out, I'll call you.
(sighs)
I can't believe it.
She's gone.
My BFF wasn't for F.
Well, look at the bright side.
Because of us, you weren't
friends for very long,
so even though she broke up with you,
it doesn't hurt that much.
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
Jimmy really did find
the perfect girl for him.
We did a good thing.
SABRINA: ♪ Ain't no
sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ And this house just ain't no home ♪
♪ Any time
♪ She goes away
♪ I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know... ♪
Hope got bit by a cow
at Natesville's petting zoo.
Luckily, the petting zoo
is run by the butcher shop,
so to avoid a messy lawsuit,
they gave us
500 pounds of beef.
So lately, we've been eating
nothing but meat.
All right, tonight
we're having steak-etti
with meatballs and meat sauce.
And make sure you leave room
for beef cobbler.
(grunts)
I haven't pooped in a week.
Me, neither.
But I know it's coming,
and it's gonna be bad.
Four trains arriving
in the station at once.
Ooh, sorry I'm late.
I was at the gym trying
to work off some of this meat,
and I met a new girlfriend.
I knew it. I called lesbo
three months ago.
I'd have 20 bucks
if I'd gotten any takers.
No, you wouldn't have,
because she's just a friend.
Which I desperately need.
Especially after I found out
my Internet friend Cassandra
doesn't actually exist.
Hey, I was just trying to help.
(cell phone ringtone playing) Ooh.
Oh! That's Rachel calling
right now.
Isn't she pretty?
(screams)
(both scream)
(screams)
What the hell is wrong with you people?
I'm sorry. When I panic,
I throw things.
Your new friend
is my ex-girlfriend.
I was 18.
I had just come out of my goth phase
and was thinking of going to college.
So I drove out to one, thinking
if I didn't end up going,
I could still say I went to college
and hope the questions ended there.
Um...
I'd like some pork and beans, please.
(chuckles) You're funny.
Wait, we're not actually here
to feed students.
I'm not a student. No, I was
thinking of becoming a student,
but now that I've seen
everyone in their...
fancy horsey guy shirts,
I'm thinking maybe I'll just
take my pork and beans
and be on my way.
Well, you don't have to be rich.
You know, a lot of people
get here just by being smart.
Strike two. Beans, please.
Here. But I don't think
you should give up
on yourself so easily.
You're an underdog.
Everybody loves an underdog.
Especially a cute underdog.
(chuckles)
BURT:
Wow.
She's not just Natesville hot.
She's at least Milwaukee hot.
Yeah, I don't know, Jimmy.
Long-distance relationships
aren't such a good idea.
Plus, she's in college.
And while we've never been,
according to college movies,
things can get a little crazy.
Put the answers
to the final exam in your pouch,
next thing you know, you're hopping away
from the university police.
Am I the only one who saw
Big Kangaroo on Campus?
Well, me and Rachel are gonna work,
because I am gonna see her
every chance I get.
(sighs)
And I did.
I went to see her every single weekend.
Hi.
(chuckles)
Everything was going along great
until Uncle Jonas died. (crying)
But I want to go see Rachel,
not watch Maw Maw.
Life is so unfair.
Uncle Jonas gets stomach cancer,
and now I'm the one who has to suffer.
Stop being so selfish.
Your mother just lost
a member of her family.
(crying, sniffling)
(door opens)
(door shuts)
And now it starts to get interesting.
(chuckling)
Since I couldn't go see Rachel,
I tried to send her
something special every day.
But none of my gifts
could make up for the distance.
And eventually the letter
my parents warned me about arrived.
"Dear Jimmy, there's
no easy way to say this.
"I've met someone else,
and I'm breaking up with you.
"Even though you have
the biggest trouser snake
of any man I've ever been with."
It said that?
No, I just threw that in
to make you feel better.
And that sent me into a breakup funk.
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ It's not warm when she's away ♪
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ And she's always gone too long ♪
♪ Any time she goes away
♪ Wonder this time where she's gone ♪
♪ Wonder if she's gone to stay
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ And this house just ain't no home ♪
♪ Any time she goes away
♪ I know, I know, I know, I know ♪
♪ I know, I know, I know, I know ♪
♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know. ♪
That Rachel is a demon child
from the jowls of hell.
And we don't want her in our lives ever again.
(doorbell rings)
Well, that's gonna be a problem
'cause I invited her over for meat.
(whispers):
Hit the deck!
(groans)
(quietly): Maw Maw, get down.
We're hiding.
I'm 86 years old. I've...
got a colon packed with meat.
This is gonna take me a while.
(grunts)
(doorbell rings)
(quietly): Would you guys please get up?
Look, Rachel is great.
I've never had a BFF before.
And I finally found someone
who's worthy of me
using that ridiculous phrase.
(quietly): We're just
trying to protect Jimmy.
Obviously we care about him
a little more than you do.
SABRINA:
Really?
Okay, fine. Name his
top three allergies.
Trick question.
He doesn't have any allergies.
If I eat peanuts, I'll die!
That's right. He will.
Because Jimmy's a weakling.
His heart can't handle
seeing Rachel again.
That is why I forbid you
to open that door.
You can't tell me what to do.
And you can't tell Jimmy
what to do anymore, either.
Look, you are not a teenager anymore.
You're a husband and a father,
and even if no one
else here believes it,
I know that you are man enough
to handle this.
Sabrina's right.
(sighs)
(sighs)
She was right about me
being able to switch
from baths to showers,
and she is right about this.
I'm an adult now.
(sighs)
I rang the bell so long ago,
but I knew I had the right house
because I could smell all the meat.
Oh, yeah, the...
Jimmy?
Uh...
hello, Rachel.
Uh...
So,
funny story:
It turns out that my husband Jimmy
is your old boyfriend.
Yeah. Oh, my God.
It's-it's been so long.
Yes, it has.
Which is why I hope
what I'm about to say
doesn't ruin your new friendship
with Sabrina.
Jimmy, what are you doing?
Saying something that needs to be said.
When I wrote this seven years ago,
I wanted to make sure
that if I ever ran into you,
you would know exactly
how I felt when you dumped me.
"I thought that everything was going
"to be great between us.
"Then, all of a sudden, it was gone.
"If our relationship
was a hit new movie,
it would be called Crash."
Wh-When I wrote this,
uh, seven years ago,
that movie had just
won the Academy Award.
Never saw it, but I heard it was good.
Uh, da-da-da-da,
let me see, a couple
Hurricane Katrina references.
Uh... Osama Bin Laden
is dead now,
so that doesn't work.
This is really catching me off guard.
I... I don't even know
what to say.
I mean...
Well, I see you're still cozy
with Lance and Sally.
I am so embarrassed.
I have been calling
them Burt and Virginia
for like 30 years.
Oh, my...
Wait a second.
You know them?
Yeah, I know them.
They're the whole reason we broke up.
Mom! Dad!
Oh, look, Sally.
It's Rachel.
JIMMY:
I don't believe this!
Okay, let us explain.
It's not what you think.
VIRGINIA:
Jimmy was interested in girls
at a very young age.
I'm gonna give this ring
to that girl over there
and ask her to be my girlfriend.
Okay, good luck.
Go get 'em, tiger.
Excuse me?
VIRGINIA: The problem
was Jimmy liked girls
that were way out of his league.
I guess the urinal isn't the
only place he aims too high.
VIRGINIA: And sure enough,
once she realized
there were smarter,
richer guys out there,
Jimmy was kicked to the curb.
And we were left to pick up the pieces.
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ It's not warm when she's away ♪
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ And she's always gone too long ♪
♪ Any time she goes away
♪ Wonder this time where she's gone ♪
♪ Wonder if she's gone to stay
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ And this house just ain't no home ♪
♪ Any time she goes away
♪ I know, I know, I know...
Close your eyes.
♪ I know, I know,
I know, I know... ♪
I finally got him to go to sleep.
Poor little guy's heart is broken.
Just broken.
Burt, I'm talking about our son.
How can you...
Don't look at me.
Are you crying?
His tiny heart is shattered.
(sniffs) It's making me so sad.
(sobs)
So...
(sobbing)
...sad.
(crying):
I know.
I hate this.
I hate being so sad.
We can't ever let
this happen to us again.
Promise?
I... (gulping sobs)
I promise.
VIRGINIA: Knowing we
couldn't take seeing Jimmy
get his heart broken ever again,
we made sure he stayed away
from women that were out of his league.
Mommy, this is Tracy.
She's really smart.
She helped me with my letters,
and she taught me
that boogers aren't food.
Thanks for coming over.
Most kids don't want to
be friends with Jimmy.
I don't know if it's
because he has cooties
or because I'm a witch
who eats children.
(gasps)
And it didn't stop
when Jimmy became a teenager.
Hello?
Oh, hi, Susan.
You're the head cheerleader, right?
That's great.
What'd you get on your S.A.T.'s?
Wow.
Yeah, Jimmy can't come
to the phone right now.
He's in the bathroom
taking his, um, worm medication.
Yep.
His underwear looks like
the sidewalk after it rains.
Hello?
What is wrong with that boy?
Right down the block, there's
that bucktoothed redhead
with the one Frankenstein shoe.
She's perfect for him.
VIRGINIA:
We thought he had learned
to leave those types of girls alone.
But then Jimmy met Rachel,
and she sounded a little
too good for our taste.
Me and Rachel are gonna work,
because I am gonna see her
every chance I get.
(exhales)
(sighs)
You know we got to put a stop to this.
So we told Jimmy Uncle Jonas died
and that we were going to the funeral.
But instead we went to spy on Rachel.
We figured that since
she was away at college,
Rachel was probably already
cheating on Jimmy,
but we had to go up there and get proof.
So to blend in, Burt and I
dressed like students
in all the college movies we saw.
This isn't anything like
the college movies we saw.
Yeah. Where's
the uptight dean
and the crazy frat guys and...
where's the kangaroo, for God's sake?
I'm pretty sure you dreamt that movie.
No. Indiana Jones and the Planet
of the Pickles was a dream.
I'm pretty sure this one's real.
(Rachel laughing)
VIRGINIA:
Ooh, there's Rachel.
I recognize her from the picture.
I can't believe how hot she is.
I mean, the picture cut
her off at the waist.
I just assumed her ass ballooned out.
(gasps) That must be the guy
she's cheating on Jimmy with!
As soon as they kiss,
I'll snap a picture,
and we can go home.
(both laugh)
VIRGINIA:
Yo.
(Burt imitates birdcall)
(Rachel laughs quietly)
Crap.
All of a sudden, the slut gets shy?
This could be harder than I thought.
You go talk to that guy;
I'll talk to Rachel.
On it.
Excuse me.
Hi.
I made some terrible decisions
in my youth,
so I'm just now getting to college.
Could you tell me
where the laundry room is?
Oh, um, it's in the basement
of the student union.
So you have to go out the door,
down the stairs, past the econ building,
through the quad...
Whoa. Lot of college words there.
(laughing):
Yeah. Sorry.
You know what?
I'm actually headed that way,
so I'll just show you.
I'm Rachel.
Sally. Nice to meet you.
So...
are you hooking up with that hottie
I saw you with earlier?
Richard?
No. He's, uh...
he's in my a capella group;
we're just friends.
Right. Where have I
heard that before?
Oh, yeah, just from every
single guy and girl
who are "friends" right
before they had sex.
Well, not us.
Besides, I already have a boyfriend.
He lives in Natesville,
and his name is Jimmy.
(quietly):
Oh.
(scoffs) Jimmy from Natesville.
Sounds like a big-nosed
kid with a bad haircut
who wet the bed till he was seven.
But if that's what you like.
Hey. So, what'd you
find out about Richard?
He's premed, he likes
sports-scent deodorant,
he's got about 30 bucks in his wallet,
and he doesn't lock his door.
It's obvious he and Rachel
are perfect for each other.
According to his diary,
he hates his thighs and
he's shy with women,
so it might take him a
while to make his move.
Yeah, but in six months,
when he finally does make his move
and he and Rachel end up together,
Jimmy's heart is gonna be
completely shattered,
and we're gonna be left
to pick up the pieces.
Man, we got to help Jimmy.
And we got to free the Burmese people
from their oppressive regime.
After talking to Richard,
I wandered into a protest.
Well, his heart's gonna
get broken eventually,
so for Jimmy's sake,
we've got to break it now,
so it doesn't get more broken, later.
He's lucky he has us.
VIRGINIA: So we posed
as full-time students,
and we found some stuff
in the dorm lost-and-found
that helped us fit in better.
(mouthing)
ALL:
♪ Do, do, do... ♪
And to get closer to Richard and Rachel,
Burt and I joined the Cliff Notes,
their a capella group.
♪ Bum-bum, bum-bum ♪
♪ Do, do, do, do, do, do... ♪
I worked on getting Rachel
more interested in Richard...
RICHARD:
Hey, guys.
Mmm, mmm!
Better not see him naked on payday.
...while Burt worked on
gently building up Richard's confidence.
What the hell is wrong with you?
Be a man!
And stop letting me slap you around.
RICHARD: ♪ To sell your
body to the night ♪
♪ Roxanne
♪ Do, do, do ♪
♪ Roxanne
♪ Do, do, do... ♪
♪ You don't have
♪ To put on the red light
♪ Roxanne... ♪
♪ Put on the red light...
Meanwhile, we also had to make
sure that we intercepted
any mail or packages
that Jimmy sent Rachel,
and vice versa.
♪ Roxanne... ♪
♪ Put on the red light
♪ Roxanne... ♪
♪ Put on the red light
♪ Roxanne... ♪
♪ Put on the red light.
(Virginia whoops)
(indistinct chatter)
I think somebody
was checking you out during rehearsal.
Was it that creepy security guard?
My R.A. said they
were gonna fire him.
No.
Her.
(whispers):
Behind you.
You and Richard harmonize
so well together.
You should have sex and get married.
No way she'd ever be into me.
Any woman would be interested in you.
You're smart,
you're funny, you can sing.
Unless you're dealing
with baby-sized equipment,
you can have your pick.
Sally, I told you, I'm with Jimmy.
You haven't heard from him
for a couple of days.
I'm sure he's busy cheating on you.
I read somewhere how nine
out of ten Jimmys cheat.
I don't know, I think she just
sees me more like a friend.
You ever seen that show Friends?
Everybody was hooking up.
David Schwimmer nailed Jennifer Aniston.
Anything is possible.
You know what?
You're right.
I'm gonna go for it.
(whispers):
Attaboy!
(gasps) Wh...
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
what the hell are you doing
kissing my...
(grunts)
friend Sally?
You told me to.
You said she was checking
me out during rehearsal.
No, I wasn't!
You... kind of were.
No... uh...
You're not even my type.
Sally, you're always talking
about how hot you think Richard is.
You are?
A hot guy for you,
Rachel, not for me.
We're nothing alike.
You're rich, and I'm not.
That's what I like about you.
You're, like, a real
working-class broad.
I'll bet you're dirty.
(gasps, grunts)
What the hell is going on here?
Uh... well,
according to this bulletin board,
um, lasagna day at the student union.
"All Folked Up" is at the coffee house!
(singsongy): And somebody's
getting rid of a futon.
Why do you have a backpack
full of stuff from my boyfriend?
What?
That's not my bag.
VIRGINIA:
That, uh, must be
your bag.
Oh, my God, this...
this is all making sense now.
The bag of stuff from Jimmy,
you trying to get me to cheat
on Jimmy with Richard,
why he hasn't called me lately.
You're hooking up
with Jimmy, aren't you?
What?!
VIRGINIA:
No, that's crazy!
Trust me, I could never
hook up with Jimmy.
(chuckles)
Stop it!
I'm tired of all the lies, Sally!
You're my sister.
I need you to stop lying.
The Indian chief who raised us
would want you to be honest.
You were raised by an Indian chief?
I am dating Jimmy.
(sighs) In fact...
...here's a picture
of me and Jimmy
and my... brother...
...and...
our tribe's medicine woman.
I can't believe this.
Well, believe it.
When I found out Jimmy
was seeing someone else,
I knew I had to get her out of the way
so I could keep all that hot...
Jimmy man-action
to myself.
You know what?
If you want Jimmy so bad,
you can have him.
So I forged a breakup
letter from Rachel,
sent it off to you in the mail, and...
the rest is history.
Wait, sorry, I got lost
at the beginning.
Could you go back to when the goofy
grocery store manager walks in?
He's in this one, right?
I can't believe you guys.
You should write a book on parenting
called The Opposite
of What You Should Do.
You should be thanking us.
If you had stayed with Rachel,
you never would've
knocked up a serial killer
and married the cutest
girl in the supermarket.
JIMMY: You're right. So I guess
I should just run on down
to the pharmacy,
get out a greeting card
that says "Thank you, parents,
"for secretly breaking up
my relationship
and hoping that I'm lucky enough
to stumble into something good."
They-they do have
some crazy ones now.
I saw one that said,
"Sorry your bird died."
(snorts) Really?
RACHEL:
I am out of here.
You people, seriously,
you're clinically insane.
Clinically insane or...
clinically insane like a fox?
Hey, wait, this is a new marriage, okay?
If it doesn't work out, I'll call you.
(sighs)
I can't believe it.
She's gone.
My BFF wasn't for F.
Well, look at the bright side.
Because of us, you weren't
friends for very long,
so even though she broke up with you,
it doesn't hurt that much.
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
Jimmy really did find
the perfect girl for him.
We did a good thing.
SABRINA: ♪ Ain't no
sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ Ain't no sunshine when she's gone ♪
♪ And this house just ain't no home ♪
♪ Any time
♪ She goes away
♪ I know, I know, I know,
I know, I know, I know... ♪