Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 21 - Burt Mitzvah: The Musical - full transcript
Make room, precious cargo
coming through.
Why is there a ham
in Hope's car seat?
Now you got to put
your ham in a car seat?
I knew this would happen
the minute they put
a Democrat in the White House.
We wanted to make sure that it
got home safe from the butcher.
This holiday dinner
has to be perfect.
You don't have to work so hard
to impress my parents, Virginia.
They gave up on us
a long time ago.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, that's them.
Best behavior, everybody.
No offense, Hope.
Grandma's got to toss out
your splotchy brown eggs.
Next week we'll go
back to pretending
everything you do is wonderful.
Mom, Dad.
(laughs)
What's up, Grammy?
Oh, hi, Jimmy.
And, uh...?
It's Sabrina.
Oh. Hi, Sabrina.
Anyway, uh, we're really
sorry that you couldn't
make it to the wedding.
Well, we would've RSVP'd,
but we're boycotting
the post office.
They gave 40 million
of our tax dollars
to some blood-doping cheater
riding a bike all over France.
I saw that on Oprah.
Well, that guy's got
a lot of ball.
Yeah.
Christine, Ralph,
can I interest you in some
Easter Island head cheese
and crackers?
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
CHRISTINE:
Look, we have some
big news. (laughs)
Maybe we should all sit down.
Oh, no, are you dying?
Or you're both dying.
Or you're getting divorced.
Oh, Mom, did you finally
find that picture
of Dad wearing that black dress?
Nobody's dying
and nobody's divorcing.
And that black dress
is a graduation gown.
You'd know that if you ever
graduated from anything.
Well, so what's the big news?
About two weeks ago,
we went to a Bar Mitzvah,
and I was talking
to the Goldbergs
and realized we had
a cousin in common.
RALPH: After blowing
a hundred dollars
on a genealogist, your mother
discovers she's Jewish.
(little laugh)
CHRISTINE: And, Burt,
according to tradition,
so are you.
You're Jewish.
Oh, crap.
Well, now I'm gonna have
to go punch Frank
for that hilarious joke
he told me last week.
Does that mean that we get to
have those little prayer rugs
and pray five times a day?
I don't feel Jewish.
Maybe that's why they
call it Jewish.
Because when people find out,
they don't feel full Jew.
They feel Jew-ish.
You should do what I've done.
Embrace your new heritage.
Connect with your people.
Learn your history.
But most importantly,
do what every
good Jewish boy does.
Get Bar Mitzvahed.
Whoa, slow down now...
You're asking me to throw
everything I know to be true
about Santa Claus
and the Easter Bunny
and just accept
some crazy new religion?
I'm not sure I want to do that.
Okay, fine.
Don't do it.
If you want
to break your mother's heart,
I guess I can't stop you.
My happiness
means nothing,
it's more important
that you get what-what you want.
Oh...
Ever since your mother
found out she's Jewish,
she really knows how
to lay on the guilt.
CHRISTINE:
All I ask
is if you care one...
one iota about your mother,
you'll think about it.
Fine, I'll think about it.
I know you'll come
to the right decision.
VIRGINIA:
Look.
In the meantime,
your guests in our home,
and I have planned
the greatest Easter feast
our family has ever had.
Oh, it sounds great,
but, uh,
we no longer celebrate Easter.
We're Passover people.
Since we're all
sharing secrets,
maybe it's time
I told you which side
of World War II
Wilfred fought on.
Japanese.
Passover-- I don't even
know what Passover is.
Me neither.
It's weird.
This morning I was just
a normal average guy
but tonight I'm a Jew.
Maybe this could be
good for you.
Different songs, more holidays.
And I'm sure there's some
amazing Passover recipe
for that Easter ham I bought.
I guess we just got to take it
one step at a time.
Keep asking ourselves,
"What would Jesus do?"
Okay, when it's our turn,
you ask about the Jewish stuff.
Me?
Yeah.
You're the one who's Jewish.
But that's what makes it weird.
What?
Now you go.
Can I help you boys?
Hi, I'm Burt.
I'll take, uh, half a pound
of the corned beef,
three of those little sausages,
some of that pink fish,
and two of those giant pickles,
a full explanation of what
it means to be a Jew,
and two of those
brown and white cookies.
The explanation
of Judaism comes with a side.
Would you like coleslaw
or potato salad?
(out the side of his mouth):
Okay, you try.
(laughs)
My father recently found out
that he's Jewish
and he's looking
for a little information.
Hey, Rose.
Burt here wants to know
what it means to be a
member of the tribe.
Well, tickle my kishkas--
hit it.
♪ 5,000 some odd years ago ♪
♪ Abraham and sons ♪
♪ Found a God, said,
"Hey, we're Jews ♪
♪ And we're the chosen ones" ♪
♪ They moved around
and customs grew ♪
♪ Enslaved by Romans,
Persians, too ♪
♪ But sense of humor
got them through ♪
BOTH:
♪ Now here's what makes ♪
♪ A Jew a Jew... ♪
♪ To be a Jew you have to eat ♪
♪ It's always salty,
sometimes sweet ♪
♪ I'll go grab a knife
and fork ♪
♪ But don't eat lobster,
shrimp or pork ♪
♪ There's babke, brisket,
hamantaschen ♪
♪ Pickled herring
you can nosh-on ♪
♪ Kreplach, kugel, mandelbrodt ♪
♪ Gefilte fish and lox ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Don't stop there,
there's matzo brei ♪
♪ And lean pastrami
piled on rye ♪
♪ Blintzes, challah, macaroons
and bagels by the box ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Traditions endless, history long ♪
♪ But perfect for a deli song ♪
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪
Dad, this is pretty incredible.
I had no idea.
Neither did I.
♪ But what is in ♪
♪ A Jewish home? ♪
♪ Lots of silver, never chrome ♪
♪ A lot of tchotchkes
in the mix? ♪
♪ Yes, but not a crucifix ♪
♪ There's dreidels,
yarmulkes, menorahs ♪
♪ Stars of David, maybe Torahs ♪
♪ Bubbe's china, kiddish cups
and Seinfeld on TV ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Mezuzah hanging by the door ♪
♪ Hired help
to sweep the floor ♪
♪ Books about the Holocaust ♪
♪ And Streisand on CD ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ The people short,
the beards are long ♪
♪ Perfect for a deli song ♪
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪
♪ Overbearing mothers ♪
♪ Movie-making brothers ♪
♪ Fathers who earn money ♪
♪ Schlubby sisters
who are funny ♪
♪ Traditions endless,
history long ♪
♪ But perfect for a deli song ♪
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪
♪ Eating rye and pumpernickel ♪
♪ But no foreskin
on their pickle ♪
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
♪ Listen, Burt, we're
teaching you ♪
♪ I think I know now,
guys, I do ♪
♪ Just what makes ♪
♪ A Jew a Jew... ♪
♪ "La chai-um." ♪
VIRGINIA:
You're telling me
everyone broke out into song?
Even the bagels?
That's how I remember it.
We're a very creative people.
Plus after they
stopped singing,
we sat down, we kibbitzed--
which means "talked"--
they told me all about
their customs and traditions.
They even explained
the whole process
of getting Bar Mitzvahed.
Oh, really, what is it?
Turns out,
a Bar Mitzvah's, like,
a right of passage.
You go from being a boy
to a man.
Burt, come on,
you're already a man.
Am I?
Think about it, Virginia.
I never graduated high school.
Heck, I never even finished
that book report
on people from Finland.
I never even learned
what they're called.
Finnish.
I'm trying to.
I never followed
through on anything
because I never became a man.
I think I need
to get Bar Mitzvahed.
Are you sure you
really want to do this?
The Jewish thing
is a lot of work.
Trust me, I'm planning a seder
and I can't find anything
on Paula Dean's
Web site I can use.
Bubbe, Zayde,
I got big news.
I am gonna get Bar Mitzvahed.
Our son's finally
becoming a man.
Oh, yes, you are.
(laughs)
RABBI: In Exodus, when the-- Oh!
Come in, come in, come in.
Kids, this is Burt Chance.
He's gonna be
joining our class.
Now, while you've all had six
months to study and prepare,
he has a week.
Um, my parents are in town.
They really want me
to become a man,
which I thought we covered
when I got married
and had a kid at 17.
Wear condoms, boys.
All right, then.
Uh, why don't you have
a seat here, Burt,
and, uh, put this on.
Here you go.
(laughs)
Let's get started.
Put this on, mm-hmm.
Burt, you're going
to have to read
from the Torah as part
of your Bar Mitzvah.
Now, it's in Hebrew, so it's
gonna take a lot of work.
Repeat after me.
"Baruch."
Barack.
More in the throat.
Baruch.
Baruch... (throaty grunting)
(boys laughing)
Kids, kids, come on.
Come on...
Let's try another one, Burt.
How about this? "Melach."
Melick.
Again.
From the throat.
(throaty):
Huh, huh, huh.
(throaty):
Huh, huh...
(hawking, coughing)
(boys laughing)
Please, please.
You're gonna get
schmutz everywhere, all right?
Kids,
why don't you all go outside
and play a game of basketball.
First team to 11 wins.
(door closes)
Okay, that should give us
about three hours.
Let's get to work.
SABRINA:
Good afternoon, ladies.
Might I interest you
in a sample sausage?
Is it kosher?
(laughing): I'm not even
sure it's real meat.
Thank you, dear, we'll pass.
So, what brings you guys
into Howdy's this afternoon?
Well, my mother-in-law
insisted that we shop
for the seder dinner together.
I was just trying to help, I...
Look, if-if I'm in the way,
I-I can wait outside.
My people spent four decades
in the burning desert,
and I think
I can last
20 minutes schvitzing
in a hot car.
Follow me.
Uh, so all of our Jewish foods
are over here surrounded by
the Syrian and Egyptian foods.
Oh, the way I see it, if the
pitas and the matzohs can sit
peacefully side by side, maybe
there's hope for the world.
Well, I'm just staring
at funny-named foods
with funny-shaped letters.
I don't know how
to make a seder dinner.
Allow me to help.
♪ My ex-wife was very cruel ♪
♪ Bordering on shrewish ♪
♪ But luckily for all of you ♪
♪ She happened to be Jewish ♪
♪ We never really
talked at all ♪
♪ I barely ever laid her ♪
♪ But I did get
one thing out of it ♪
♪ I learned to make a seder ♪
♪ She doesn't know
which foods to buy ♪
♪ She doesn't know
what to fixah ♪
♪ She needs someone
to help her out ♪
♪ I'm just a silly shiksa ♪
BARNEY:
♪ It really is quite simple ♪
♪ You cook and tell a story ♪
♪ The food will
give you heartburn ♪
♪ The tale is very gory ♪
♪ Let's eat, let's eat ♪
♪ Let's have a seder ♪
♪ First we'll tell the story ♪
♪ And we'll have
the dinner later ♪
♪ Pharaoh was
a great big jerk ♪
♪ He told the Jews
to get to work ♪
♪ But Moses had God
on his side ♪
♪ Bada-bing, infanticide ♪
♪ The Jews fled
from the Pharaoh ♪
♪ That guy,
he sounds oppressive ♪
CHRISTINE: ♪ Then Moses
parted the Red Sea ♪
SABRINA: ♪ That's pretty
darn impressive ♪
♪ Let's eat, let's eat ♪
♪ Let's have a seder ♪
♪ First we'll tell the story ♪
♪ And we'll have
the dinner later ♪
♪ A shank bone
for the sacrifice ♪
♪ I've heard that
kosher wine is nice ♪
♪ Salty water to show the tears
of wandering for 40 years ♪
♪ But now the story
has been told ♪
♪ The Jews came out
the winner ♪
♪ I'll schlep this stuff
back to my house ♪
♪ And make a seder dinner ♪
♪ She'll schlep this stuff
back to her house ♪
♪ She'll do it
for her Jewish spouse ♪
♪ She'll schlep this stuff
back to her house ♪
♪ I'll get drunk
and lose my blouse ♪
♪ She'll schlep this stuff
back to her house ♪
♪ And make a seder dinner ♪
♪ And make ♪
♪ A seder ♪
♪ Dinner. ♪
Molotov!
BURT:
And everybody
in Howdy's just joined in
singing and dancing?
That's how I remember it.
I swear to God.
My God and your God.
CHRISTINE:
Burt, you got to see this!
Great news, bubeleh.
The RSVPs have
been flooding in.
RALPH:
All our friends are
tickled pink you're
gonna get Bar Mitzvahed.
Some think it's
gonna be heartwarming.
Others think it's gonna
be a train wreck.
Either way, they're coming
to see what happens.
You invited all your friends?
Well, when you've waited
over 40 years to see
your son become a man,
you-you want to share it.
(throaty):
Oh...
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
No, no, I'm just practicing.
I got a lot of studying to do.
(car horn honks)
There's our taxi.
Well, we're on our way over
to the Silvermans for something
called babke.
That's apparently Jewish
for "dry cake."
Uh, I haven't had
a healthy stool
since your mother
changed religions.
Dad?
I can't do it, Jimmy.
I got too much to learn.
I haven't Schlemieled
or Schlimazeled and I have
no idea what Hasenpfeffer
Incorporated even makes.
I got to find a way out of this.
Uh, hey, maybe I can hide
in the attic till
this whole thing blows over.
I'm not gonna
let you give up, Dad.
- Did you let me quit T-ball
when I wanted to? - Yes.
How about when I dropped
out of high school?
I didn't say a word.
Okay, well, what about the time
that I wanted to quit the thing
at the hotel at the airport
that... what-what...
what was it?
The seminar for enhancing your memory?
Yeah, I think that was it.
(groaning)
Look, the point is
I'm a quitter because
my dad never taught me
how to follow through.
All right, if you
never become a man
I'll never become a man.
Ah, forget it, Jimmy.
♪ ♪
♪ Forget the times ♪
♪ You quit before ♪
♪ Now pick yourself ♪
♪ Up off the floor ♪
♪ Today's your day ♪
♪ Feel the burn ♪
♪ It's just your brain ♪
♪ Trying to learn ♪
♪ They're gonna lift you up
high on a chair ♪
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
♪ You're gonna know every word ♪
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ Read these words
as I unscroll it ♪
♪ Don't hold back ♪
♪ Just rock and roll it ♪
♪ Write your speech
from the heart ♪
♪ 'Cause a mensch don't stop
once he starts ♪
♪ They're gonna lift you up
high on a chair ♪
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
♪ You're gonna know
every word ♪
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪
(spits)
MAN: Hey!
♪ You've got the dreams ♪
♪ Of a man ♪
♪ And it's all part ♪
♪ Of God's plan ♪
(sings high note)
♪ They're gonna lift you up ♪
♪ High on a chair ♪
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
♪ You're gonna
know every word ♪
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ They're gonna lift you up ♪
♪ High on a chair ♪
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
♪ You're gonna
know every word ♪
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪
JIMMY:
♪ C-Come on ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
(whoops)
♪ Gonna rock, rock,
rock the Torah ♪
(music fades):
♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah. ♪
Some old lady told me
to give this to you.
That's nice.
Hey, there's a couple
hundred bucks in here.
It's Bar Mitzvah money.
It's the first major payday
for a Jewish kid.
With sound investment strategy,
some people turn that
into a nice little nest egg.
I'm getting a Jet Ski.
Why didn't my parents
tell me about this?
They probably wanted you to do
it for the right reasons.
You know, I thought
I knew my parents.
Maybe I didn't give them
enough credit.
(laughs)
What the hell
are you guys doing?
We're just welcoming
your guests, honey.
You got a card
from the Bronsteins.
Oh.
Oh, dog with a "yar-mulkay."
Funny.
Where's the money?
We know you've been stealing.
We're not stealing anything.
It's our money.
Easy, honey,
we've come too far.
What do you mean
"come too far"?
Give me that money!
Burt, stop it!
It's my money. I'm the one
getting Bar Mitzvahed.
No, it's not, 'cause
you're not really Jewish.
We made this whole thing up.
Oy vay.
What do you mean I'm not Jewish?
Okay.
This may sound a little bit
selfish, but
we came up with this great idea
to raise money for a cruise.
Would that be a cruise to hell?
Because I think that's where
you two are going.
Look, Burt, for years
your father and I have been
invited to weddings,
graduations, Bar Mitzvahs.
We've spent thousands
of dollars on gifts
for our friends and their
horrible children.
Oh, it's the Weinbergs.
Thank you for sharing
our special day.
You see them?
Five kids-- they breed
like they're Irish.
I mean, we laid out cash
for five Bar Mitzvahs, five
graduations and five weddings.
And you never even had one.
This is a payback to us, son.
Please don't blow it for us.
♪ ♪
Sounds like they're starting.
Oh, make us proud,
bubeleh.
Have a good Bar Mitzvah.
I can't believe
I was trying to get
those schmendriks to like me.
You should go up there
and expose
their whole meshugana scheme
to everyone.
No.
This is still my Bar Mitzvah.
All these people came
to hear me.
And for the first time
in my life,
I'm gonna finish what I started.
So, I'd like to thank all of you
for coming here
to share this
special day with me.
But first,
I have something I have
to say to my parents.
I haven't exactly had
big events in my life
that were worthy
of celebration.
And I know that, uh,
knocking up
my high school girlfriend...
...and giving you
a great-grandchild
whose mother is a serial killer,
aren't exactly reasons
to rent out a hall
and have a chocolate fountain.
So...
I do this for you now.
I love you.
We're even.
And so we begin.
"Baruch atta adonai."
Uh...
moustache with a squiggly line,
"H" with a tail.
"E-lo-hei-nu."
El, el, hey, you.
JIMMY: My dad may have struggled,
but he didn't give up.
Even when the rabbi corrected
every word he said
for over three hours.
L.O.L.
It's like a marathon.
You don't have to win, the
accomplishment is finishing.
And I've never been
more proud of my dad.
That was amazing, Dad.
And to think, you did all that
and you're not even Jewish.
I'm sorry.
Did you say he's not Jewish?
Funny story, Rabbi.
♪ My goyim parents told
a little fib... ♪
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
You've wasted enough of my time.
Shalom, sir.
But, Rabbi...
I said shalom.
Okay, the Jewish thing's
officially over.
Everybody back to our house
for some honey-glazed ham.
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah! ♪
coming through.
Why is there a ham
in Hope's car seat?
Now you got to put
your ham in a car seat?
I knew this would happen
the minute they put
a Democrat in the White House.
We wanted to make sure that it
got home safe from the butcher.
This holiday dinner
has to be perfect.
You don't have to work so hard
to impress my parents, Virginia.
They gave up on us
a long time ago.
(doorbell rings)
Oh, that's them.
Best behavior, everybody.
No offense, Hope.
Grandma's got to toss out
your splotchy brown eggs.
Next week we'll go
back to pretending
everything you do is wonderful.
Mom, Dad.
(laughs)
What's up, Grammy?
Oh, hi, Jimmy.
And, uh...?
It's Sabrina.
Oh. Hi, Sabrina.
Anyway, uh, we're really
sorry that you couldn't
make it to the wedding.
Well, we would've RSVP'd,
but we're boycotting
the post office.
They gave 40 million
of our tax dollars
to some blood-doping cheater
riding a bike all over France.
I saw that on Oprah.
Well, that guy's got
a lot of ball.
Yeah.
Christine, Ralph,
can I interest you in some
Easter Island head cheese
and crackers?
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
CHRISTINE:
Look, we have some
big news. (laughs)
Maybe we should all sit down.
Oh, no, are you dying?
Or you're both dying.
Or you're getting divorced.
Oh, Mom, did you finally
find that picture
of Dad wearing that black dress?
Nobody's dying
and nobody's divorcing.
And that black dress
is a graduation gown.
You'd know that if you ever
graduated from anything.
Well, so what's the big news?
About two weeks ago,
we went to a Bar Mitzvah,
and I was talking
to the Goldbergs
and realized we had
a cousin in common.
RALPH: After blowing
a hundred dollars
on a genealogist, your mother
discovers she's Jewish.
(little laugh)
CHRISTINE: And, Burt,
according to tradition,
so are you.
You're Jewish.
Oh, crap.
Well, now I'm gonna have
to go punch Frank
for that hilarious joke
he told me last week.
Does that mean that we get to
have those little prayer rugs
and pray five times a day?
I don't feel Jewish.
Maybe that's why they
call it Jewish.
Because when people find out,
they don't feel full Jew.
They feel Jew-ish.
You should do what I've done.
Embrace your new heritage.
Connect with your people.
Learn your history.
But most importantly,
do what every
good Jewish boy does.
Get Bar Mitzvahed.
Whoa, slow down now...
You're asking me to throw
everything I know to be true
about Santa Claus
and the Easter Bunny
and just accept
some crazy new religion?
I'm not sure I want to do that.
Okay, fine.
Don't do it.
If you want
to break your mother's heart,
I guess I can't stop you.
My happiness
means nothing,
it's more important
that you get what-what you want.
Oh...
Ever since your mother
found out she's Jewish,
she really knows how
to lay on the guilt.
CHRISTINE:
All I ask
is if you care one...
one iota about your mother,
you'll think about it.
Fine, I'll think about it.
I know you'll come
to the right decision.
VIRGINIA:
Look.
In the meantime,
your guests in our home,
and I have planned
the greatest Easter feast
our family has ever had.
Oh, it sounds great,
but, uh,
we no longer celebrate Easter.
We're Passover people.
Since we're all
sharing secrets,
maybe it's time
I told you which side
of World War II
Wilfred fought on.
Japanese.
Passover-- I don't even
know what Passover is.
Me neither.
It's weird.
This morning I was just
a normal average guy
but tonight I'm a Jew.
Maybe this could be
good for you.
Different songs, more holidays.
And I'm sure there's some
amazing Passover recipe
for that Easter ham I bought.
I guess we just got to take it
one step at a time.
Keep asking ourselves,
"What would Jesus do?"
Okay, when it's our turn,
you ask about the Jewish stuff.
Me?
Yeah.
You're the one who's Jewish.
But that's what makes it weird.
What?
Now you go.
Can I help you boys?
Hi, I'm Burt.
I'll take, uh, half a pound
of the corned beef,
three of those little sausages,
some of that pink fish,
and two of those giant pickles,
a full explanation of what
it means to be a Jew,
and two of those
brown and white cookies.
The explanation
of Judaism comes with a side.
Would you like coleslaw
or potato salad?
(out the side of his mouth):
Okay, you try.
(laughs)
My father recently found out
that he's Jewish
and he's looking
for a little information.
Hey, Rose.
Burt here wants to know
what it means to be a
member of the tribe.
Well, tickle my kishkas--
hit it.
♪ 5,000 some odd years ago ♪
♪ Abraham and sons ♪
♪ Found a God, said,
"Hey, we're Jews ♪
♪ And we're the chosen ones" ♪
♪ They moved around
and customs grew ♪
♪ Enslaved by Romans,
Persians, too ♪
♪ But sense of humor
got them through ♪
BOTH:
♪ Now here's what makes ♪
♪ A Jew a Jew... ♪
♪ To be a Jew you have to eat ♪
♪ It's always salty,
sometimes sweet ♪
♪ I'll go grab a knife
and fork ♪
♪ But don't eat lobster,
shrimp or pork ♪
♪ There's babke, brisket,
hamantaschen ♪
♪ Pickled herring
you can nosh-on ♪
♪ Kreplach, kugel, mandelbrodt ♪
♪ Gefilte fish and lox ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Don't stop there,
there's matzo brei ♪
♪ And lean pastrami
piled on rye ♪
♪ Blintzes, challah, macaroons
and bagels by the box ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Traditions endless, history long ♪
♪ But perfect for a deli song ♪
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪
Dad, this is pretty incredible.
I had no idea.
Neither did I.
♪ But what is in ♪
♪ A Jewish home? ♪
♪ Lots of silver, never chrome ♪
♪ A lot of tchotchkes
in the mix? ♪
♪ Yes, but not a crucifix ♪
♪ There's dreidels,
yarmulkes, menorahs ♪
♪ Stars of David, maybe Torahs ♪
♪ Bubbe's china, kiddish cups
and Seinfeld on TV ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Mezuzah hanging by the door ♪
♪ Hired help
to sweep the floor ♪
♪ Books about the Holocaust ♪
♪ And Streisand on CD ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ The people short,
the beards are long ♪
♪ Perfect for a deli song ♪
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪
♪ Overbearing mothers ♪
♪ Movie-making brothers ♪
♪ Fathers who earn money ♪
♪ Schlubby sisters
who are funny ♪
♪ Traditions endless,
history long ♪
♪ But perfect for a deli song ♪
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
♪ Just what makes a Jew a Jew ♪
♪ Eating rye and pumpernickel ♪
♪ But no foreskin
on their pickle ♪
♪ Listen, Burt,
we're teaching you ♪
♪ Listen, Burt, we're
teaching you ♪
♪ I think I know now,
guys, I do ♪
♪ Just what makes ♪
♪ A Jew a Jew... ♪
♪ "La chai-um." ♪
VIRGINIA:
You're telling me
everyone broke out into song?
Even the bagels?
That's how I remember it.
We're a very creative people.
Plus after they
stopped singing,
we sat down, we kibbitzed--
which means "talked"--
they told me all about
their customs and traditions.
They even explained
the whole process
of getting Bar Mitzvahed.
Oh, really, what is it?
Turns out,
a Bar Mitzvah's, like,
a right of passage.
You go from being a boy
to a man.
Burt, come on,
you're already a man.
Am I?
Think about it, Virginia.
I never graduated high school.
Heck, I never even finished
that book report
on people from Finland.
I never even learned
what they're called.
Finnish.
I'm trying to.
I never followed
through on anything
because I never became a man.
I think I need
to get Bar Mitzvahed.
Are you sure you
really want to do this?
The Jewish thing
is a lot of work.
Trust me, I'm planning a seder
and I can't find anything
on Paula Dean's
Web site I can use.
Bubbe, Zayde,
I got big news.
I am gonna get Bar Mitzvahed.
Our son's finally
becoming a man.
Oh, yes, you are.
(laughs)
RABBI: In Exodus, when the-- Oh!
Come in, come in, come in.
Kids, this is Burt Chance.
He's gonna be
joining our class.
Now, while you've all had six
months to study and prepare,
he has a week.
Um, my parents are in town.
They really want me
to become a man,
which I thought we covered
when I got married
and had a kid at 17.
Wear condoms, boys.
All right, then.
Uh, why don't you have
a seat here, Burt,
and, uh, put this on.
Here you go.
(laughs)
Let's get started.
Put this on, mm-hmm.
Burt, you're going
to have to read
from the Torah as part
of your Bar Mitzvah.
Now, it's in Hebrew, so it's
gonna take a lot of work.
Repeat after me.
"Baruch."
Barack.
More in the throat.
Baruch.
Baruch... (throaty grunting)
(boys laughing)
Kids, kids, come on.
Come on...
Let's try another one, Burt.
How about this? "Melach."
Melick.
Again.
From the throat.
(throaty):
Huh, huh, huh.
(throaty):
Huh, huh...
(hawking, coughing)
(boys laughing)
Please, please.
You're gonna get
schmutz everywhere, all right?
Kids,
why don't you all go outside
and play a game of basketball.
First team to 11 wins.
(door closes)
Okay, that should give us
about three hours.
Let's get to work.
SABRINA:
Good afternoon, ladies.
Might I interest you
in a sample sausage?
Is it kosher?
(laughing): I'm not even
sure it's real meat.
Thank you, dear, we'll pass.
So, what brings you guys
into Howdy's this afternoon?
Well, my mother-in-law
insisted that we shop
for the seder dinner together.
I was just trying to help, I...
Look, if-if I'm in the way,
I-I can wait outside.
My people spent four decades
in the burning desert,
and I think
I can last
20 minutes schvitzing
in a hot car.
Follow me.
Uh, so all of our Jewish foods
are over here surrounded by
the Syrian and Egyptian foods.
Oh, the way I see it, if the
pitas and the matzohs can sit
peacefully side by side, maybe
there's hope for the world.
Well, I'm just staring
at funny-named foods
with funny-shaped letters.
I don't know how
to make a seder dinner.
Allow me to help.
♪ My ex-wife was very cruel ♪
♪ Bordering on shrewish ♪
♪ But luckily for all of you ♪
♪ She happened to be Jewish ♪
♪ We never really
talked at all ♪
♪ I barely ever laid her ♪
♪ But I did get
one thing out of it ♪
♪ I learned to make a seder ♪
♪ She doesn't know
which foods to buy ♪
♪ She doesn't know
what to fixah ♪
♪ She needs someone
to help her out ♪
♪ I'm just a silly shiksa ♪
BARNEY:
♪ It really is quite simple ♪
♪ You cook and tell a story ♪
♪ The food will
give you heartburn ♪
♪ The tale is very gory ♪
♪ Let's eat, let's eat ♪
♪ Let's have a seder ♪
♪ First we'll tell the story ♪
♪ And we'll have
the dinner later ♪
♪ Pharaoh was
a great big jerk ♪
♪ He told the Jews
to get to work ♪
♪ But Moses had God
on his side ♪
♪ Bada-bing, infanticide ♪
♪ The Jews fled
from the Pharaoh ♪
♪ That guy,
he sounds oppressive ♪
CHRISTINE: ♪ Then Moses
parted the Red Sea ♪
SABRINA: ♪ That's pretty
darn impressive ♪
♪ Let's eat, let's eat ♪
♪ Let's have a seder ♪
♪ First we'll tell the story ♪
♪ And we'll have
the dinner later ♪
♪ A shank bone
for the sacrifice ♪
♪ I've heard that
kosher wine is nice ♪
♪ Salty water to show the tears
of wandering for 40 years ♪
♪ But now the story
has been told ♪
♪ The Jews came out
the winner ♪
♪ I'll schlep this stuff
back to my house ♪
♪ And make a seder dinner ♪
♪ She'll schlep this stuff
back to her house ♪
♪ She'll do it
for her Jewish spouse ♪
♪ She'll schlep this stuff
back to her house ♪
♪ I'll get drunk
and lose my blouse ♪
♪ She'll schlep this stuff
back to her house ♪
♪ And make a seder dinner ♪
♪ And make ♪
♪ A seder ♪
♪ Dinner. ♪
Molotov!
BURT:
And everybody
in Howdy's just joined in
singing and dancing?
That's how I remember it.
I swear to God.
My God and your God.
CHRISTINE:
Burt, you got to see this!
Great news, bubeleh.
The RSVPs have
been flooding in.
RALPH:
All our friends are
tickled pink you're
gonna get Bar Mitzvahed.
Some think it's
gonna be heartwarming.
Others think it's gonna
be a train wreck.
Either way, they're coming
to see what happens.
You invited all your friends?
Well, when you've waited
over 40 years to see
your son become a man,
you-you want to share it.
(throaty):
Oh...
Don't worry, you'll be fine.
No, no, I'm just practicing.
I got a lot of studying to do.
(car horn honks)
There's our taxi.
Well, we're on our way over
to the Silvermans for something
called babke.
That's apparently Jewish
for "dry cake."
Uh, I haven't had
a healthy stool
since your mother
changed religions.
Dad?
I can't do it, Jimmy.
I got too much to learn.
I haven't Schlemieled
or Schlimazeled and I have
no idea what Hasenpfeffer
Incorporated even makes.
I got to find a way out of this.
Uh, hey, maybe I can hide
in the attic till
this whole thing blows over.
I'm not gonna
let you give up, Dad.
- Did you let me quit T-ball
when I wanted to? - Yes.
How about when I dropped
out of high school?
I didn't say a word.
Okay, well, what about the time
that I wanted to quit the thing
at the hotel at the airport
that... what-what...
what was it?
The seminar for enhancing your memory?
Yeah, I think that was it.
(groaning)
Look, the point is
I'm a quitter because
my dad never taught me
how to follow through.
All right, if you
never become a man
I'll never become a man.
Ah, forget it, Jimmy.
♪ ♪
♪ Forget the times ♪
♪ You quit before ♪
♪ Now pick yourself ♪
♪ Up off the floor ♪
♪ Today's your day ♪
♪ Feel the burn ♪
♪ It's just your brain ♪
♪ Trying to learn ♪
♪ They're gonna lift you up
high on a chair ♪
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
♪ You're gonna know every word ♪
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ Read these words
as I unscroll it ♪
♪ Don't hold back ♪
♪ Just rock and roll it ♪
♪ Write your speech
from the heart ♪
♪ 'Cause a mensch don't stop
once he starts ♪
♪ They're gonna lift you up
high on a chair ♪
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
♪ You're gonna know
every word ♪
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪
(spits)
MAN: Hey!
♪ You've got the dreams ♪
♪ Of a man ♪
♪ And it's all part ♪
♪ Of God's plan ♪
(sings high note)
♪ They're gonna lift you up ♪
♪ High on a chair ♪
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
♪ You're gonna
know every word ♪
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ They're gonna lift you up ♪
♪ High on a chair ♪
♪ While we sing
and dance the hora ♪
♪ You're gonna
know every word ♪
♪ You're gonna know
all your prayers ♪
♪ You ain't no schmendrik ♪
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah ♪
JIMMY:
♪ C-Come on ♪
♪ Yeah, yeah ♪
(whoops)
♪ Gonna rock, rock,
rock the Torah ♪
(music fades):
♪ Ooh, ooh, yeah, yeah. ♪
Some old lady told me
to give this to you.
That's nice.
Hey, there's a couple
hundred bucks in here.
It's Bar Mitzvah money.
It's the first major payday
for a Jewish kid.
With sound investment strategy,
some people turn that
into a nice little nest egg.
I'm getting a Jet Ski.
Why didn't my parents
tell me about this?
They probably wanted you to do
it for the right reasons.
You know, I thought
I knew my parents.
Maybe I didn't give them
enough credit.
(laughs)
What the hell
are you guys doing?
We're just welcoming
your guests, honey.
You got a card
from the Bronsteins.
Oh.
Oh, dog with a "yar-mulkay."
Funny.
Where's the money?
We know you've been stealing.
We're not stealing anything.
It's our money.
Easy, honey,
we've come too far.
What do you mean
"come too far"?
Give me that money!
Burt, stop it!
It's my money. I'm the one
getting Bar Mitzvahed.
No, it's not, 'cause
you're not really Jewish.
We made this whole thing up.
Oy vay.
What do you mean I'm not Jewish?
Okay.
This may sound a little bit
selfish, but
we came up with this great idea
to raise money for a cruise.
Would that be a cruise to hell?
Because I think that's where
you two are going.
Look, Burt, for years
your father and I have been
invited to weddings,
graduations, Bar Mitzvahs.
We've spent thousands
of dollars on gifts
for our friends and their
horrible children.
Oh, it's the Weinbergs.
Thank you for sharing
our special day.
You see them?
Five kids-- they breed
like they're Irish.
I mean, we laid out cash
for five Bar Mitzvahs, five
graduations and five weddings.
And you never even had one.
This is a payback to us, son.
Please don't blow it for us.
♪ ♪
Sounds like they're starting.
Oh, make us proud,
bubeleh.
Have a good Bar Mitzvah.
I can't believe
I was trying to get
those schmendriks to like me.
You should go up there
and expose
their whole meshugana scheme
to everyone.
No.
This is still my Bar Mitzvah.
All these people came
to hear me.
And for the first time
in my life,
I'm gonna finish what I started.
So, I'd like to thank all of you
for coming here
to share this
special day with me.
But first,
I have something I have
to say to my parents.
I haven't exactly had
big events in my life
that were worthy
of celebration.
And I know that, uh,
knocking up
my high school girlfriend...
...and giving you
a great-grandchild
whose mother is a serial killer,
aren't exactly reasons
to rent out a hall
and have a chocolate fountain.
So...
I do this for you now.
I love you.
We're even.
And so we begin.
"Baruch atta adonai."
Uh...
moustache with a squiggly line,
"H" with a tail.
"E-lo-hei-nu."
El, el, hey, you.
JIMMY: My dad may have struggled,
but he didn't give up.
Even when the rabbi corrected
every word he said
for over three hours.
L.O.L.
It's like a marathon.
You don't have to win, the
accomplishment is finishing.
And I've never been
more proud of my dad.
That was amazing, Dad.
And to think, you did all that
and you're not even Jewish.
I'm sorry.
Did you say he's not Jewish?
Funny story, Rabbi.
♪ My goyim parents told
a little fib... ♪
Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup.
You've wasted enough of my time.
Shalom, sir.
But, Rabbi...
I said shalom.
Okay, the Jewish thing's
officially over.
Everybody back to our house
for some honey-glazed ham.
♪ You're gonna rock the Torah ♪
♪ I'm gonna rock the Torah! ♪