Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 19 - Making the Band - full transcript
Surprises are in store for Hope and Jimmy.
Oh, yeah? Well,
I checked my phone,
and I realized Lochlyn has been playing
"Words With Buddies,"
and she's beating my Uncle Dave.
It's no surprise-- her cranium
measures in the 85th percentile.
I took out
a ruler last night,
and it turns out that
my little Jacqueline's face
is perfectly symmetrical.
Well, my Allister started doing
the cutest thing-- watch this:
Allister, Allister, do "Gangnam Style"!
Come on!
Hold on, he'll do it.
Sabrina and I
don't usually socialize
with other parents at the park,
mostly because
we've found them annoying.
But today we were on a mission.
It all started a few weeks ago
when we decided
to plan Hope's birthday party.
Wait a second, wait a second.
The package for the moon bounce,
the invitations,
the goody bags, and the entertainment
is how much, exactly?
Are you kidding me?!
My wedding didn't cost that much.
Forget it.
Listen, if you want to
plan an affordable party,
you got to stop calling
those fancy places that
can afford Web sites,
and hit the local bulletin boards.
Yeah, Laundromats, bowling alleys.
We used to find your
babysitters at the bus station.
How many kids are coming?
Hope doesn't have any kid friends yet.
Yeah, she's only three.
I don't blame you.
Finding kid friends
before they start school
means you have to talk to the parents.
And all they want
to talk about is their kids.
"My son walked
at eight months."
"My son knows
all his letters."
"My son has a friend.
You never heard us
saying all that stuff.
Is that why I didn't have
any friends growing up?
Because you guys couldn't stand
the other parents?
Don't judge us-- you know you're
doing the exact same thing.
Oh, my God.
We really are.
At least we had an excuse.
We still believed Burt
was gonna be a rock star.
We didn't need to embrace
the whole parent lifestyle.
We were gonna be trashing hotel rooms.
Hanging out with Foghat.
Driving sports cars into pools.
Yeah, we had big dreams.
But you didn't need any friends.
You turned out fine.
Fine?
I didn't say you turned out great.
I said you turned out fine.
It's a scale, Jimmy.
If you didn't have any
friends, what'd you do?
I had to improvise.
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
You can crumple up some paper
and throw it in my mouth.
Yeah: I guess
we can do that again.
Hi, you, hi, you...
We got to get Hope some friends.
So here we are.
My Jacqueline can do that, too!
Jacqueline!
Do the Chinese dance!
Hey! If your kid likes to dance,
we're having a birthday party for Hope!
Yeah.
Okay, see you Saturday at 2:00.
We did it!
We are so crushing this party.
We got food, entertainment,
even a moon bounce for almost nothing.
We should be party
planners for poor people.
We'd make a fortune.
I still can't believe people just leave
their broken piñata pieces in
the park after their parties.
I know. Hope is gonna love
Top-Gun-Chicken-Ass-
purple-T-Rex-shortstop.
And since I've been here,
with the support
of my counselors and my group...
I haven't touched the junk since.
Good for you, TV's Tim Stack.
We know that masturbation
is a tough addiction to beat.
Check out TV's Tim Stack.
Talk about a lesson to get kids
to stop masturbating.
Let's turn our attention now to
former chart-topping rock star,
Smokey Floyd.
Hey, look at Smokey!
He looks great!
So, Smokey, can you tell us
about the moment
you hit rock bottom?
Well, dude,
it all started when I promised
a fan I'd play a show for him.
I went crazy, and the video
went viral on the Internet.
Smokey, "the Doctor of Rock,"
frickin' Floyd!
Burt, it's you!
I-I'm famous.
I'll bet, like, four billion
people just saw that!
You know, I looked at myself
in that video, and...
realized that I'd become a monster.
You know, a liver-spotted,
turkey-necked monster.
So I went down to Mexico and
got some plastic surgeries.
You know, they were
so-so with the knife,
but real liberal with the painkillers.
Next thing I knew, I'm hooked
on vikes, perks, oxy, coffee enemas.
I'm told I burned my house down.
Let's take a look
at Smokey's journey
over the last 30 days.
Oh!
Mm.
Which way to the stage?
♪ You with the sad heart
♪ Don't be discouraged
♪ You will realize
♪ It's hard to take courage
♪ In a world full of people
♪ You can lose sight of your own ♪
♪ And the darkness, ooh, inside you ♪
♪ Can make you feel so small
♪ And I see your true colors
♪ Shining through
♪ I see your true colors
♪ That's why I love you
♪ So don't be afraid
♪ To let them show
♪ Your true colors
♪ True colors...
♪ True colors
♪ They're shining through
♪ Your true colors.
Well, you've obviously come a long way,
and we couldn't be more excited
to hear your final pledge of sobriety.
Well, I-I believe
in the adage:
"If you love something,
set it free," you know?
Uh, which is why I'm
setting free pills and alcohol.
But if they come back to me,
then I'll know they really love me.
Until then, I...
just want to say I'm sorry to all
the people I hurt along the way.
I wrote all your names down
on this list, and...
I'll be coming to apologize
to you one by one.
Burt Chance, you're
number 33 on my list:
"Robbed a Lawn Guy
of the Smokey Floyd experience."
I'd like to stay with you
for a week and make up for it.
Let's rock and roll!
Whoo!
Hey, Barney, thank you again
for taking care of the cake.
Well, don't thank me yet.
There was a bit of an e-mail
mix-up with the bakery.
I accidentally switched Hope's picture
with the one I use for my online
dating profile.
What?
Oh.
Hey, everybody on those sites lies.
I once thought I was
going out with a girl
who claimed she had
the body of Kate Upton.
She was bald, and one of
her legs had two knees.
Smokey, these are the
hosts, our son Jimmy
and his wife Sabrina.
Let's get this party started.
Uh, no, thank you.
And, uh, c-could
you possibly
not use the cocaine
around the other parents?
'Cause we're just... trying to
get our daughter some friends.
Well, from my experience, that
usually helps you make friends.
But this is actually
my lactose-intolerance pill.
I got to crush it up and snort it
so I don't re-trigger
my addiction to pills.
So, how are you guys enjoying
the rock-and-roll lifestyle?
It sucks. The only stones
he has any stories about
are the ones in his kidneys.
When you're young,
you see a rock star on TV, you
dream about hanging out with him.
And then that dream
finally comes true--
you spend your day
watching the Weather Channel,
talking about compression socks.
I'm just saying, enjoy your circulation
while you still got it, kid.
Deep vein thrombosis
is not as cool as it sounds.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Ooh, look, everybody--
it's Beauty and the Beast!
Actually, we're Beauty and the Beaver.
Yeah, for 20 bucks
and leftover cake, you don't get
copyrighted characters.
Wait a minute, I thought
you were hiring professionals,
not Andrew
and his ex-wife Donna!
That's ex-ex-wife.
We're back together.
And they are professionals.
Yeah. Just because
we've never done this before
and we haven't been paid doesn't
mean we're not professionals.
Plus, I have always dreamed
of being in show business,
so this act gives me a reason
to not dump Andrew's ass again.
We couldn't be happier.
Look, I know he's four years old,
but he likes it and I like it.
Plus, I even use some of the leftovers
to make this nice, soft cheese
that he loves to put on crackers, so...
why stop breast-feeding now?
This party reminds you of some crazy,
wild stories, huh, Smokey?
I told you, I don't want to
glorify that lifestyle, bro.
No second scoops, kid.
Today it's two,
tomorrow it's three, and then
the next thing you know,
you're behind the Roxy offering
to suck Nikki Sixx's toes
for a scoop of heroin fudge ripple!
Sorry. That got
a little personal.
Pizza Man.
Well... where's the
rest of the pizza?
This is it.
We ordered two super jumbo pizzas.
These are super jumbo pizzas.
We've recently redefined our sizes.
We also have super duper jumbo
and super grande jumbo.
But for a party this size,
you really should have ordered two
"damn, that's too much pizza" pizzas.
All right, well... just
take 'em in the kitchen
and cut 'em into a hundred pieces.
Hey, Pizza Man.
Hey, Smokey Floyd.
Oh, my God, that is so inappropriate.
Oh, no, no, no. I-I was just gonna...
No,
you get to drink while
I have to be sober
trying not to freak out
the losers' three year old
is underneath her shirt going to town.
I know, right?
Come on, girl, hook a sister up.
We can get through this together.
All right.
Hello.
Where would you like me to set up?
Hello.
What is that?
I ordered a bounce house.
No, you ordered a moon bounce.
In what world do you get
a bounce house for $17?
I guess I just thought
you were an idiot.
There's a corner in the living room.
You got to preserve
those precious memories.
Yep.
I tape all my son's parties.
Of course, I mainly do it
so I don't have to talk to any
of the other annoying parents.
I ran out of tape half an hour ago.
Scott.
Jimmy.
Hey.
I just met the coolest dad.
You're kidding!
I just met the coolest mom.
Man, I can't believe we found two.
This party's turning out to be great!
Okay, you've had your five jumps.
That was worth a
ten-minute wait, right?
Oh, boo-hoo!
When I was your age,
I was sewing soccer balls
for eight cents a day!
Let's go.
Aah.
That's scary.
We're losing 'em.
Quick, do "Gangnam Style."
I don't know it.
Just do it!
Look! Gag-'em Style!
Whoo-hoo!
Gag-'em Style!
Gag-'em Style!
Mom, Dad,
look, we've got a problem.
All right, the entertainment
you guys booked sucks,
and everyone is gonna leave.
Okay, we can't work this party.
One of those little animals
just dropped a dirty diaper
down the back of Andrew's costume,
and now he's in the shower crying,
which, as you can imagine,
is a huge turn-on.
Excuse me, darling.
Would a tiny piece of pizza
bring you joy?
I'm sorry...
was I being a crab, man?
I'm sorry.
I have to give you your money back.
Your American children are far too fat,
and they're stretching out my springs.
That trampoline is my only form of
time income.
Great, now we don't even have
the sucky entertainment.
What are we supposed to do now?
You guys got to fix this.
Smokey,
we need to ask you a giant favor.
Would you go out there
and play a song
at my granddaughter's third
birthday party?
I'd be honored.
But I haven't played guitar sober
since I was 12.
I can play guitar.
That's fine, dude,
but I can't hit the high notes.
Never could.
All the high notes on my album
were sung by a little
Filipino boy named Dalawapo.
Oh, well, I can help with the singing.
Me, too, and Andrew and I
have a bunch of instruments,
And I've been known to wow
on slide whistle.
I mean, we've never
even played together.
I mean, how are we gonna
keep time without a drummer?
One, two, three, four.
Hello, children of Natesville
and their caretakers.
I'm Smokey Floyd.
Most of my songs are for adults
who are high on stuff,
but a few years back, I wrote a song
for a really stupid girl I was dating.
I think you all might like it.
Maybe learn a few things, too.
It's called "When You're Alone."
♪ When you're in the kitchen
♪ You've got to behave
♪ You don't put metal in the microwave ♪
♪ The knobs on the stove
are hands-off, no doubt ♪
♪ And if you make toast, you don't use ♪
♪ A knife to fish it out
♪ When you're alone
♪ When you're home alone
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
♪ When you're alone
♪ When you're home alone
♪ You got to make sure not to die ♪
♪ Or choke
or burn the house down. ♪
We did it. We're rock stars.
This was awesome.
Must be what it feels like
to be high on drugs.
Oh, not even close.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Hope
♪ Happy birthday to you...
Good night, Natesville.
Thank you.
Sabrina, that band was amazing.
You guys aren't like the other
parents; we should be friends.
You know, we were just saying
the same thing.
Steph, Steph, we got an emergency.
Lochlyn was just holding
another girl's hand,
and I'm all out of hand sanitizer.
We'll meet you in the car.
Come on, honey, come on.
Okay, come on.
Come on.
See you guys around the park?
Yeah.
Oh, no, she's married to that jerk?
Well, we still have Scott.
Hopefully his wife is cool.
Scott, Scott, Scott,
my sister just
e-mailed me a video
that is definitely the next dance craze.
I already taught Allister
the first three steps.
Go ahead, buddy.
Come on, Allister.
Do the dance.
Show daddy.
Hope doesn't need any
kid friends, right?
Nope, she's gonna make friends
in college.
That was the most amazing thing ever.
I'm so excited.
I can't stop bouncing.
I'm so excited
you can't stop bouncing, too.
You know, there's kids parties this town
every weekend that need entertainment.
And you heard that crowd.
They loved us.
We could be huge.
Oh, we could be bigger than huge.
We could be the Winger of kid's music.
Geez...!
Which is why it's hard to do
what I got to do.
Breaking up the band.
You can't do that.
I finally discovered my purpose in life
is not to run a food pantry
for the homeless.
I was born to be a dancing
beaver in a kid's band.
That set was so awesome!
That wasn't a set, bro.
You can't be awesome with one song.
Yeah, well, um,
what about Francis Scott Key?
How many songs did she write?
I'm a concert cellist.
I can help write some songs.
And I can help him.
We could lock ourselves in a room
and not come out of there
until our thighs ache.
That's the spirit, guys.
Guys, that's not how the music
business works, all right?
Plus, we don't even have a manager.
Uh, I-I'll be your manager.
I was the equipment manager
for my high school marching band.
I didn't have what it took
to play the triangle,
but the band director said
I had chutzpa.
Guys, I'm done.
Smokey's rock and roll days
are behind him.
Now I'm just an everyday schnook
like you chump stains.
You said you'd put me on your list
because you denied me
the Smokey Floyd experience.
Now you're doing it again to all of us.
You're gonna have to put
all of us on your list.
Brother, at this rate,
you're never gonna finish
crossing off that list.
And we're not the only ones
who are gonna be disappointed.
A lot of people will be disappointed.
You know, I've never really been
a big believer in karma.
Maybe that's why my life's been
such a mess.
If you guys want to do this, I'm in.
We're getting the band back together.
♪ When you're in the kitchen
♪ You've got to behave
♪ You don't put metal in the microwave ♪
♪ The knobs on the stove
are hands-off, no doubt ♪
♪ And if you make toast,
you don't use a knife ♪
♪ To fish it out
♪ When you're alone,
when you're home alone ♪
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
♪ When you're alone
♪ When you're home alone
♪ You got to make sure not to die ♪
♪ Or choke or burn the house down ♪
♪ If you fall down and bump...
Before they knew it, the band
was getting offers all over.
They were a huge hit.
Mom and Dad were finally living
the rock and roll fantasy
they dreamed of their whole life.
Living on the road,
adoring fans, high fives.
They even had T-shirts.
♪ When you're home alone
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
♪ When you're alone,
when you're home alone... ♪
And Mom and dad got something
even Foghat never had,
stars in the produce aisle
of their hometown grocery store.
You guys, you guys,
you're not gonna believe it.
Someone who saw you at the
Natesville East Diaper-palooza
e-mailed his rich uncle
from Florida
a video of your performance,
and he's flying us in
on his private jet.
Rock and roll!
This gig
is just the beginning.
You know how many billionaires
want to throw money at their kids
to make up for their divorces?
Fifty-two.
Uh, well I don't know the actual number.
Sixty-two.
Sure, let's go with 62.
We could've gone with 52.
I'm just saying, this could be
the most important
kindergarten graduation party
of your lives.
We're living our dream, Virginia.
I know.
You can do anything you want
in these private jets.
I put a knife inside this water bottle,
and nobody even said anything.
We should get hope a T-shirt
from every Rock and Roll Cafe we visit.
They might even put our
name up on the wall.
Only this time,
it won't be after the words,
"Do not accept checks from..."
Oh, snap, what was that?
We're flying into a dangerous storm.
The good news is I'm one
of the most accomplished pilots
in all of Nigeria.
The bad news is
all controls are in English.
Rock and roll.
Whoo! Baby!
Ooh! Oh, my God.
Bert, I'm so scared.
Me, too.
And we were almost famous.
Don't be afraid.
We have found a football field
where we can land the plane,
unless they go into overtime.
Then we're going to shoot
for the miniature golf course.
Miniature golf course?
Maybe it's a regular golf course
that just looks tiny from up here.
If we don't make it,
maybe I never said this enough,
but I love all of you.
You guys are like family to me.
And if I took an extra dollar
or two out of petty cash,
it's because, well,
you guys don't pay me.
I hit a turtle with my car
four years ago.
I just hit it and kept driving.
Not a day goes by that I don't
see that cute little face.
My pet, Mr. Turtle, has been
missing for roughly four years.
It was probably him.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay,
because I slept with your wife Donna.
Me, too.
Me, too.
Damn it!
Why the hell did we do this?
We had everything.
We had the perfect life.
I know, we made it to grandparents.
Now we'll never see Hope grow up
to be something great,
like the first female astronaut.
We threw it all away, and for what?
Another rock star gone before his time.
Like Elvis or Buddy Holly or Adam Ant.
Adam Ant? He's still alive.
I thought
he died in a helicopter crash
with Billy Idol.
Also still alive.
I'm in the Witness Protection Program.
I've been sneaking drinks
these last couple weeks.
I used to be a stripper.
Oh, screw it.
I'm married to a man who's gay.
What?
Just because I had
that dream about Bert
where he was a horse
and I'm riding him bareback
doesn't mean I'm gay.
My therapist says that could
mean any number of things.
Thank God above, we're alive!
We're gonna make it.
Sweet relief.
Smokey, this isn't for us.
What do you mean, dude?
As good as it sounds,
we can't travel the
world on a jet with you.
We've realized we have a life
in Natesville,
with our granddaughter,
that's just too important
to miss out on.
So, thanks for giving us
a rock and roll experience, Smokey.
You can cross us off your list.
Turns out Bert and Virginia
didn't really want
the rock and roll lifestyle
as much as they thought they did.
They realized their place was
in Natesville,
raising their granddaughter.
I checked my phone,
and I realized Lochlyn has been playing
"Words With Buddies,"
and she's beating my Uncle Dave.
It's no surprise-- her cranium
measures in the 85th percentile.
I took out
a ruler last night,
and it turns out that
my little Jacqueline's face
is perfectly symmetrical.
Well, my Allister started doing
the cutest thing-- watch this:
Allister, Allister, do "Gangnam Style"!
Come on!
Hold on, he'll do it.
Sabrina and I
don't usually socialize
with other parents at the park,
mostly because
we've found them annoying.
But today we were on a mission.
It all started a few weeks ago
when we decided
to plan Hope's birthday party.
Wait a second, wait a second.
The package for the moon bounce,
the invitations,
the goody bags, and the entertainment
is how much, exactly?
Are you kidding me?!
My wedding didn't cost that much.
Forget it.
Listen, if you want to
plan an affordable party,
you got to stop calling
those fancy places that
can afford Web sites,
and hit the local bulletin boards.
Yeah, Laundromats, bowling alleys.
We used to find your
babysitters at the bus station.
How many kids are coming?
Hope doesn't have any kid friends yet.
Yeah, she's only three.
I don't blame you.
Finding kid friends
before they start school
means you have to talk to the parents.
And all they want
to talk about is their kids.
"My son walked
at eight months."
"My son knows
all his letters."
"My son has a friend.
You never heard us
saying all that stuff.
Is that why I didn't have
any friends growing up?
Because you guys couldn't stand
the other parents?
Don't judge us-- you know you're
doing the exact same thing.
Oh, my God.
We really are.
At least we had an excuse.
We still believed Burt
was gonna be a rock star.
We didn't need to embrace
the whole parent lifestyle.
We were gonna be trashing hotel rooms.
Hanging out with Foghat.
Driving sports cars into pools.
Yeah, we had big dreams.
But you didn't need any friends.
You turned out fine.
Fine?
I didn't say you turned out great.
I said you turned out fine.
It's a scale, Jimmy.
If you didn't have any
friends, what'd you do?
I had to improvise.
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
You can crumple up some paper
and throw it in my mouth.
Yeah: I guess
we can do that again.
Hi, you, hi, you...
We got to get Hope some friends.
So here we are.
My Jacqueline can do that, too!
Jacqueline!
Do the Chinese dance!
Hey! If your kid likes to dance,
we're having a birthday party for Hope!
Yeah.
Okay, see you Saturday at 2:00.
We did it!
We are so crushing this party.
We got food, entertainment,
even a moon bounce for almost nothing.
We should be party
planners for poor people.
We'd make a fortune.
I still can't believe people just leave
their broken piñata pieces in
the park after their parties.
I know. Hope is gonna love
Top-Gun-Chicken-Ass-
purple-T-Rex-shortstop.
And since I've been here,
with the support
of my counselors and my group...
I haven't touched the junk since.
Good for you, TV's Tim Stack.
We know that masturbation
is a tough addiction to beat.
Check out TV's Tim Stack.
Talk about a lesson to get kids
to stop masturbating.
Let's turn our attention now to
former chart-topping rock star,
Smokey Floyd.
Hey, look at Smokey!
He looks great!
So, Smokey, can you tell us
about the moment
you hit rock bottom?
Well, dude,
it all started when I promised
a fan I'd play a show for him.
I went crazy, and the video
went viral on the Internet.
Smokey, "the Doctor of Rock,"
frickin' Floyd!
Burt, it's you!
I-I'm famous.
I'll bet, like, four billion
people just saw that!
You know, I looked at myself
in that video, and...
realized that I'd become a monster.
You know, a liver-spotted,
turkey-necked monster.
So I went down to Mexico and
got some plastic surgeries.
You know, they were
so-so with the knife,
but real liberal with the painkillers.
Next thing I knew, I'm hooked
on vikes, perks, oxy, coffee enemas.
I'm told I burned my house down.
Let's take a look
at Smokey's journey
over the last 30 days.
Oh!
Mm.
Which way to the stage?
♪ You with the sad heart
♪ Don't be discouraged
♪ You will realize
♪ It's hard to take courage
♪ In a world full of people
♪ You can lose sight of your own ♪
♪ And the darkness, ooh, inside you ♪
♪ Can make you feel so small
♪ And I see your true colors
♪ Shining through
♪ I see your true colors
♪ That's why I love you
♪ So don't be afraid
♪ To let them show
♪ Your true colors
♪ True colors...
♪ True colors
♪ They're shining through
♪ Your true colors.
Well, you've obviously come a long way,
and we couldn't be more excited
to hear your final pledge of sobriety.
Well, I-I believe
in the adage:
"If you love something,
set it free," you know?
Uh, which is why I'm
setting free pills and alcohol.
But if they come back to me,
then I'll know they really love me.
Until then, I...
just want to say I'm sorry to all
the people I hurt along the way.
I wrote all your names down
on this list, and...
I'll be coming to apologize
to you one by one.
Burt Chance, you're
number 33 on my list:
"Robbed a Lawn Guy
of the Smokey Floyd experience."
I'd like to stay with you
for a week and make up for it.
Let's rock and roll!
Whoo!
Hey, Barney, thank you again
for taking care of the cake.
Well, don't thank me yet.
There was a bit of an e-mail
mix-up with the bakery.
I accidentally switched Hope's picture
with the one I use for my online
dating profile.
What?
Oh.
Hey, everybody on those sites lies.
I once thought I was
going out with a girl
who claimed she had
the body of Kate Upton.
She was bald, and one of
her legs had two knees.
Smokey, these are the
hosts, our son Jimmy
and his wife Sabrina.
Let's get this party started.
Uh, no, thank you.
And, uh, c-could
you possibly
not use the cocaine
around the other parents?
'Cause we're just... trying to
get our daughter some friends.
Well, from my experience, that
usually helps you make friends.
But this is actually
my lactose-intolerance pill.
I got to crush it up and snort it
so I don't re-trigger
my addiction to pills.
So, how are you guys enjoying
the rock-and-roll lifestyle?
It sucks. The only stones
he has any stories about
are the ones in his kidneys.
When you're young,
you see a rock star on TV, you
dream about hanging out with him.
And then that dream
finally comes true--
you spend your day
watching the Weather Channel,
talking about compression socks.
I'm just saying, enjoy your circulation
while you still got it, kid.
Deep vein thrombosis
is not as cool as it sounds.
Happy birthday!
Happy birthday!
Ooh, look, everybody--
it's Beauty and the Beast!
Actually, we're Beauty and the Beaver.
Yeah, for 20 bucks
and leftover cake, you don't get
copyrighted characters.
Wait a minute, I thought
you were hiring professionals,
not Andrew
and his ex-wife Donna!
That's ex-ex-wife.
We're back together.
And they are professionals.
Yeah. Just because
we've never done this before
and we haven't been paid doesn't
mean we're not professionals.
Plus, I have always dreamed
of being in show business,
so this act gives me a reason
to not dump Andrew's ass again.
We couldn't be happier.
Look, I know he's four years old,
but he likes it and I like it.
Plus, I even use some of the leftovers
to make this nice, soft cheese
that he loves to put on crackers, so...
why stop breast-feeding now?
This party reminds you of some crazy,
wild stories, huh, Smokey?
I told you, I don't want to
glorify that lifestyle, bro.
No second scoops, kid.
Today it's two,
tomorrow it's three, and then
the next thing you know,
you're behind the Roxy offering
to suck Nikki Sixx's toes
for a scoop of heroin fudge ripple!
Sorry. That got
a little personal.
Pizza Man.
Well... where's the
rest of the pizza?
This is it.
We ordered two super jumbo pizzas.
These are super jumbo pizzas.
We've recently redefined our sizes.
We also have super duper jumbo
and super grande jumbo.
But for a party this size,
you really should have ordered two
"damn, that's too much pizza" pizzas.
All right, well... just
take 'em in the kitchen
and cut 'em into a hundred pieces.
Hey, Pizza Man.
Hey, Smokey Floyd.
Oh, my God, that is so inappropriate.
Oh, no, no, no. I-I was just gonna...
No,
you get to drink while
I have to be sober
trying not to freak out
the losers' three year old
is underneath her shirt going to town.
I know, right?
Come on, girl, hook a sister up.
We can get through this together.
All right.
Hello.
Where would you like me to set up?
Hello.
What is that?
I ordered a bounce house.
No, you ordered a moon bounce.
In what world do you get
a bounce house for $17?
I guess I just thought
you were an idiot.
There's a corner in the living room.
You got to preserve
those precious memories.
Yep.
I tape all my son's parties.
Of course, I mainly do it
so I don't have to talk to any
of the other annoying parents.
I ran out of tape half an hour ago.
Scott.
Jimmy.
Hey.
I just met the coolest dad.
You're kidding!
I just met the coolest mom.
Man, I can't believe we found two.
This party's turning out to be great!
Okay, you've had your five jumps.
That was worth a
ten-minute wait, right?
Oh, boo-hoo!
When I was your age,
I was sewing soccer balls
for eight cents a day!
Let's go.
Aah.
That's scary.
We're losing 'em.
Quick, do "Gangnam Style."
I don't know it.
Just do it!
Look! Gag-'em Style!
Whoo-hoo!
Gag-'em Style!
Gag-'em Style!
Mom, Dad,
look, we've got a problem.
All right, the entertainment
you guys booked sucks,
and everyone is gonna leave.
Okay, we can't work this party.
One of those little animals
just dropped a dirty diaper
down the back of Andrew's costume,
and now he's in the shower crying,
which, as you can imagine,
is a huge turn-on.
Excuse me, darling.
Would a tiny piece of pizza
bring you joy?
I'm sorry...
was I being a crab, man?
I'm sorry.
I have to give you your money back.
Your American children are far too fat,
and they're stretching out my springs.
That trampoline is my only form of
time income.
Great, now we don't even have
the sucky entertainment.
What are we supposed to do now?
You guys got to fix this.
Smokey,
we need to ask you a giant favor.
Would you go out there
and play a song
at my granddaughter's third
birthday party?
I'd be honored.
But I haven't played guitar sober
since I was 12.
I can play guitar.
That's fine, dude,
but I can't hit the high notes.
Never could.
All the high notes on my album
were sung by a little
Filipino boy named Dalawapo.
Oh, well, I can help with the singing.
Me, too, and Andrew and I
have a bunch of instruments,
And I've been known to wow
on slide whistle.
I mean, we've never
even played together.
I mean, how are we gonna
keep time without a drummer?
One, two, three, four.
Hello, children of Natesville
and their caretakers.
I'm Smokey Floyd.
Most of my songs are for adults
who are high on stuff,
but a few years back, I wrote a song
for a really stupid girl I was dating.
I think you all might like it.
Maybe learn a few things, too.
It's called "When You're Alone."
♪ When you're in the kitchen
♪ You've got to behave
♪ You don't put metal in the microwave ♪
♪ The knobs on the stove
are hands-off, no doubt ♪
♪ And if you make toast, you don't use ♪
♪ A knife to fish it out
♪ When you're alone
♪ When you're home alone
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
♪ When you're alone
♪ When you're home alone
♪ You got to make sure not to die ♪
♪ Or choke
or burn the house down. ♪
We did it. We're rock stars.
This was awesome.
Must be what it feels like
to be high on drugs.
Oh, not even close.
♪ Happy birthday, dear Hope
♪ Happy birthday to you...
Good night, Natesville.
Thank you.
Sabrina, that band was amazing.
You guys aren't like the other
parents; we should be friends.
You know, we were just saying
the same thing.
Steph, Steph, we got an emergency.
Lochlyn was just holding
another girl's hand,
and I'm all out of hand sanitizer.
We'll meet you in the car.
Come on, honey, come on.
Okay, come on.
Come on.
See you guys around the park?
Yeah.
Oh, no, she's married to that jerk?
Well, we still have Scott.
Hopefully his wife is cool.
Scott, Scott, Scott,
my sister just
e-mailed me a video
that is definitely the next dance craze.
I already taught Allister
the first three steps.
Go ahead, buddy.
Come on, Allister.
Do the dance.
Show daddy.
Hope doesn't need any
kid friends, right?
Nope, she's gonna make friends
in college.
That was the most amazing thing ever.
I'm so excited.
I can't stop bouncing.
I'm so excited
you can't stop bouncing, too.
You know, there's kids parties this town
every weekend that need entertainment.
And you heard that crowd.
They loved us.
We could be huge.
Oh, we could be bigger than huge.
We could be the Winger of kid's music.
Geez...!
Which is why it's hard to do
what I got to do.
Breaking up the band.
You can't do that.
I finally discovered my purpose in life
is not to run a food pantry
for the homeless.
I was born to be a dancing
beaver in a kid's band.
That set was so awesome!
That wasn't a set, bro.
You can't be awesome with one song.
Yeah, well, um,
what about Francis Scott Key?
How many songs did she write?
I'm a concert cellist.
I can help write some songs.
And I can help him.
We could lock ourselves in a room
and not come out of there
until our thighs ache.
That's the spirit, guys.
Guys, that's not how the music
business works, all right?
Plus, we don't even have a manager.
Uh, I-I'll be your manager.
I was the equipment manager
for my high school marching band.
I didn't have what it took
to play the triangle,
but the band director said
I had chutzpa.
Guys, I'm done.
Smokey's rock and roll days
are behind him.
Now I'm just an everyday schnook
like you chump stains.
You said you'd put me on your list
because you denied me
the Smokey Floyd experience.
Now you're doing it again to all of us.
You're gonna have to put
all of us on your list.
Brother, at this rate,
you're never gonna finish
crossing off that list.
And we're not the only ones
who are gonna be disappointed.
A lot of people will be disappointed.
You know, I've never really been
a big believer in karma.
Maybe that's why my life's been
such a mess.
If you guys want to do this, I'm in.
We're getting the band back together.
♪ When you're in the kitchen
♪ You've got to behave
♪ You don't put metal in the microwave ♪
♪ The knobs on the stove
are hands-off, no doubt ♪
♪ And if you make toast,
you don't use a knife ♪
♪ To fish it out
♪ When you're alone,
when you're home alone ♪
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
♪ When you're alone
♪ When you're home alone
♪ You got to make sure not to die ♪
♪ Or choke or burn the house down ♪
♪ If you fall down and bump...
Before they knew it, the band
was getting offers all over.
They were a huge hit.
Mom and Dad were finally living
the rock and roll fantasy
they dreamed of their whole life.
Living on the road,
adoring fans, high fives.
They even had T-shirts.
♪ When you're home alone
♪ You got to stay safe
when you're home all alone ♪
♪ When you're alone,
when you're home alone... ♪
And Mom and dad got something
even Foghat never had,
stars in the produce aisle
of their hometown grocery store.
You guys, you guys,
you're not gonna believe it.
Someone who saw you at the
Natesville East Diaper-palooza
e-mailed his rich uncle
from Florida
a video of your performance,
and he's flying us in
on his private jet.
Rock and roll!
This gig
is just the beginning.
You know how many billionaires
want to throw money at their kids
to make up for their divorces?
Fifty-two.
Uh, well I don't know the actual number.
Sixty-two.
Sure, let's go with 62.
We could've gone with 52.
I'm just saying, this could be
the most important
kindergarten graduation party
of your lives.
We're living our dream, Virginia.
I know.
You can do anything you want
in these private jets.
I put a knife inside this water bottle,
and nobody even said anything.
We should get hope a T-shirt
from every Rock and Roll Cafe we visit.
They might even put our
name up on the wall.
Only this time,
it won't be after the words,
"Do not accept checks from..."
Oh, snap, what was that?
We're flying into a dangerous storm.
The good news is I'm one
of the most accomplished pilots
in all of Nigeria.
The bad news is
all controls are in English.
Rock and roll.
Whoo! Baby!
Ooh! Oh, my God.
Bert, I'm so scared.
Me, too.
And we were almost famous.
Don't be afraid.
We have found a football field
where we can land the plane,
unless they go into overtime.
Then we're going to shoot
for the miniature golf course.
Miniature golf course?
Maybe it's a regular golf course
that just looks tiny from up here.
If we don't make it,
maybe I never said this enough,
but I love all of you.
You guys are like family to me.
And if I took an extra dollar
or two out of petty cash,
it's because, well,
you guys don't pay me.
I hit a turtle with my car
four years ago.
I just hit it and kept driving.
Not a day goes by that I don't
see that cute little face.
My pet, Mr. Turtle, has been
missing for roughly four years.
It was probably him.
I'm sorry.
Oh, that's okay,
because I slept with your wife Donna.
Me, too.
Me, too.
Damn it!
Why the hell did we do this?
We had everything.
We had the perfect life.
I know, we made it to grandparents.
Now we'll never see Hope grow up
to be something great,
like the first female astronaut.
We threw it all away, and for what?
Another rock star gone before his time.
Like Elvis or Buddy Holly or Adam Ant.
Adam Ant? He's still alive.
I thought
he died in a helicopter crash
with Billy Idol.
Also still alive.
I'm in the Witness Protection Program.
I've been sneaking drinks
these last couple weeks.
I used to be a stripper.
Oh, screw it.
I'm married to a man who's gay.
What?
Just because I had
that dream about Bert
where he was a horse
and I'm riding him bareback
doesn't mean I'm gay.
My therapist says that could
mean any number of things.
Thank God above, we're alive!
We're gonna make it.
Sweet relief.
Smokey, this isn't for us.
What do you mean, dude?
As good as it sounds,
we can't travel the
world on a jet with you.
We've realized we have a life
in Natesville,
with our granddaughter,
that's just too important
to miss out on.
So, thanks for giving us
a rock and roll experience, Smokey.
You can cross us off your list.
Turns out Bert and Virginia
didn't really want
the rock and roll lifestyle
as much as they thought they did.
They realized their place was
in Natesville,
raising their granddaughter.