Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 18 - Arbor Daze - full transcript

♪ Here we go

♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh!

What's this?

Oh, that's for
Susan Banthony's birthday.

She got women the right to vote

and invented
that dollar coin nobody uses.

You found my head yet?

Still looking.

Hey.

(gasps)
Jimmy,

what are you doing here?



With Hope? Unannounced.

(whispering):
Three days before Arbor Day.

Oh, my God, are we doing it?

Doing what? Why is he hiding
behind the couch?

Uh, Maw Maw, why don't you take
Hope back into your room?

Now, hang on.

Let's make sure she's lucid first.

This morning she tried to make

a long distance call with a stapler.

Maw Maw, what day of the week is it?

What town do we live in?

What's the secret ingredient in
your pineapple upside-down cake?

Tuesday, Natesville, and that
secret dies with me, bitch.

She's good to go--
have fun, honey.



So, do you think that Hope's
old enough for it?

We started with you
when you were little.

Time-out-- what are
you talking about?

Well, only the most magical day
of the year.

Arbor Day.

You guys celebrate Arbor Day?

Yeah, and this is my costume.

I'm the mystical gift-giving
wizard of the forest.

Papa Woody.

(laughs)

I came up with the name.

We thought it was hilarious.

Jimmy never got it.

Got what?

Papa Woody, the famous spirit

of the forest who pitches
his tent deep in the bush.

(both chuckling)

Still don't understand what's so funny.

But as a kid, nothing made me happier

than seeing my dad Papa Woody.

(laughter)

Okay, why do you guys
celebrate Arbor Day?

When Jimmy was a kid, we
celebrated all the holidays.

Not just the big ones.

Presidents' Day was always a fun one.

We'd dress as dead presidents
and wake Jimmy up

with a shower of chocolate coins.

We now crown you King
of Presidents' Day.

Long live the king.

VIRGINIA: And then we would kick
back, watch our favorite show--

Beverly Hills 90210--

and eat our Presidents' Day meal.

LBJ sandwiches--
lettuce, butter and jelly.

And then to cap off the day,
Burt would sing

a special song he had written
just for the occasion.

♪ Presidents' Day was so much fun ♪

♪ Started with George Washington ♪

♪ Jimmy got a special treat

♪ 'Cause freeing
the slaves was really sweet. ♪

Presidents' Day was awesome.

VIRGINIA: Another favorite
was Groundhog Day.

But since there were no
groundhogs left in Natesville

after the chemical spill, we
just dug holes in the backyard

and filled them with treats
for Jimmy to find.

The groundhog left something
for you, too, Daddy.

VIRGINIA: And then we would
relax and watch 90210

and eat our special Groundhog Day meal.

Six more weeks of wieners.

And then to finish the
celebration, Burt would sing

a special song he had written
just for the occasion.

♪ Groundhog Day was really fun

♪ Rodent looking

♪ For the sun

♪ When his shadow did appear

♪ You got chocolate,
I got beer. ♪

Groundhog's Day was awesome.

VIRGINIA: On Arbor Day,
we'd fill the living room

with real live little trees

and hang treats for Jimmy
from the branches.

Burt would wear his Arbor Day costume

and Jimmy had no idea it was him.

Thanks, Papa Woody,
I wish you were my dad.

Well, I'm sure he wishes you
were good at throwing footballs

or eating with your mouth closed.

Okay, Papa Woody.

Happy Arbor Day.

Tree you next year.

Tree you next year.

VIRGINIA:
And as part of our perfect day,

we watched the perfect TV show.

90210.

And ate our traditional
Arbor Day meal--

warm maple syrup soup.

(all slurping)

And then to finish the holiday,
Burt would sing

a special song he had written
just for the occasion.

♪ Arbor Day was really fun

♪ Presents grew for everyone

♪ Give great thanks to Papa Woody ♪

♪ You're the happiest boy
in the neighborhood-y. ♪

Arbor Day was awesome.

Okay, so I get the gifts
and the songs and the costumes.

But what was the deal
with Beverly Hills 90210?

Oh, a lady I cleaned for gave us
the whole second season on VHS.

We got hooked immediately.

Moody Dylan, sweet Brandon,

smoking Brenda.

We didn't want to celebrate
a holiday without 'em.

Arbor Day was my favorite.

All year long, I'd ask for stuff.

Candy, toys,

beef jerky, and Mom and Dad said,

"Those things
don't grow on trees."

But on Arbor Day, they did.

That is such a sweet tradition,
I love that.

Count me in.

So, where do you guys plant

the little baby trees afterward?

Oh, we don't plant 'em.

We take 'em out back till
they're dried out enough

for the Chinese New Year bonfire.

♪ Chinese New Year is really fun ♪

♪ Dancing dragons, egg foo yong ♪

♪ Up above the Great Wall high

♪ Like a chopstick
in the sky... ♪

Chinese New Year's awesome.

♪ Yeah.

So, you're telling me that
you burn trees on Arbor Day?

No, we pull them out
of the ground on Arbor Day.

They're still green and alive.

We got to wait till they're dead

and dried out before we torch 'em.

God, you're such a Brenda sometimes.

(both laugh)

In the spirit of Arbor Day Eve,

we wait for the right moment
and then sneak over

to Porter Street Park and
grab up some little saplings

for our holiday.

(grunts)

Oh, my God, it was you.

You were the ones that dug them up.

Dug them up? They
practically fell over.

Yeah, you could rip 'em right out.

It was like a bunch of kids planted 'em.

Yeah, I was one of those kids.

Every year for Arbor Day,
my scout troop would go

to that park and plant saplings.

(speaking with lisp):
Someday you'll be 600 feet tall.

You'll provide shade,
oxygen, and a place

for homeless people to go
to the bathroom.

The next day I made
the driver go out of our way

so I should show my parents
what I planted.

Mommy, Daddy, my tree's coming up.

It's gone, my tree's gone.

Why?

You people don't respect Arbor Day.

You defile it.

(speaking with lisp):
How could you do this?

Oh, my God, I'm getting so upset,

my lisp is coming back.

You people are monsters!

Did she say we were

mobsters?
I think she said "monsters."

Well, she is definitely missing
the spirit of Arbor Day.

Uh...

I taught her about death.

She's not taking it too well.

You guys deal with it.

What are you doing in the freezer?

Uh, just chillin'.

(laughing)

Oh, thank God.
(sighs)

I've been in here 40 minutes
waiting for someone

to laugh at that.

I think I might lose my pinky
toe, but it was worth it.

I've get your special order--
I'll meet you up front.

(laughing)

Oh.

Well, if it isn't the human equivalent of root rot.
BURT: Sabrina,

as a landscaper, if you really
wanted to hit us where it hurt,

you'd have called us
aspen canker fungus.

(sighs) Here we go.

Five gallons of the finest
Grade C, non-organic maple syrup

ever imported from South America.

Nothing like a belly full
of warm maple syrup soup

when you're getting ready for
the great pulling of the trees.

Must take a lot of syrup

to sugarcoat the murdering
of all those trees.

Oh, come on.
You don't hear anyone whining

about the trees at Christmas
when the whole world

chops 'em down and drags 'em
into their living room.

Because that's a tradition,

not some crazy, made-up way
to spend a holiday.

So, uh, you guys are just here
for the syrup then? Yeah?

That's what traditions are--
they're all made-up,

they're all crazy.

What's a bunny have to do

with Easter?
What's a fat baby angel

with a bow and arrow have to do
with getting a woman

some silk panties on Valentine's Day?

Would you folks like some
help getting this syrup

out to your car, then?

We got it, Jimmy.
Just make sure you have Hope

at our house at 5:00 a.m.,
so she can wake up

in the Arbor Day forest.

Look, Hope is not gonna take
part in your tree genocide.

Don't any of you know what
Arbor Day is really all about?

Sure, Sabrina.

I can tell you what Arbor Day
is really all about.

Lights, please.

(upbeat instrumental playing)
In 1854 a young pioneer,

J. Sterling Morton,
moved from Detroit

to the Nebraska Territory.

He and his fellow pioneers
missed their trees,

so on January 4, 1872, Morton
proposed a tree-planting holiday

to be called Arbor Day.
(clattering, grunting)

(music stops) Everyone, please hold still!
I'm almost done!

(music resumes)
BARNEY: Over a million trees

were planted in Nebraska
on that first Arbor Day,

and today those tiny saplings
have grown into a grove.

A family of trees, if you will.

(music ends)

That's what Arbor Day is all about.

And now that the Chance tree
has intertwined branches

with the Collins tree,
perhaps the best idea

is for this tradition to grow together.

Yes, exactly-- grow,

not destroy. Look,

I'm more than happy to drink
maple syrup soup

and watch 90210,
but I-I just cannot take part

in the senseless execution
of innocent trees.

But the trees
are the most important part

of the whole tradition!
You can't just start a new tradition

and think it's gonna be as good.

You ever see the Puppy Bowl?

They can't even pick that ball up.
And if you

don't want to come, you don't have to.

Just Jimmy and Hope can come.

SABRINA: None of us are coming.
We are not exposing

our daughter
to your crazy tree holocaust.

Right, Jimmy?

BURT:
Jimmy, are you really

turning your back on Papa Woody

and your mama's warm maple syrup soup?

JIMMY: I was forced to choose between
the traditions of my parents

and the wishes of my wife.

I chose to go with the one
I share a bed with.

I can't say it was as original or as fun

or as exciting
as my parents' tradition...

...but it was nice to know
that Hope would grow up

understanding the important role

that trees play in our lives.

NARRATOR: And in the ultimate
example of biological synergy,

our majestic,
bark-covered friends

exhale life-giving oxygen.

JIMMY: And that night we
all slept with visions

of sugar maples dancing in our heads.

Well, maybe not all of us.

(screaming)

Oh, God!

Who the hell are you?

I'm the Ghost of Arbor Day.

Arbor Day has its own ghost?

No, I also cover Flag Day,
Labor Day, Boxing Day,

Yom Kippur, a whole bunch.

So put on your slippers.
We're going for a walk.

(screams)

Jimmy! Jimmy! Jimmy,
wake up, wake up!

He can't hear you.
It's a dream.

Look, let's get a move on, okay?

Let's get this legal mumbo jumbo
out of the way first.

I am a ghost.
These are your rights:

you have the right to continue dreaming.

Also, I cannot touch your
breasts without your permission.

Do I have your permission?

No.

Very well, then.
I am here to show you a vision

of Arbor Day past, present, future.

After you, princess.

This is the Porter Street
playground 20 years ago,

day after Christmas.

Hey, that's me.

And that's my Suzie So Real doll.

Oh, my God, I loved her.

Then she got recalled
when they found out

her hair felt so real 'cause it came

from the heads of Ukrainian orphans.

You know, you can really help
move this thing along

if you keep your mouth shut
and your eyes open.

Anyway, a lot of kids got what
they wanted that year.

But one little boy, he wasn't
so lucky on Christmas.

All he got was a homemade yo-yo
and a hand full of splinters.

Damn it, I really thought I solved

the "come back up" problem this year.

Don't beat yourself up, Burt.

Even if you made
the world's best yo-yo,

it could never compete
with all the expensive toys

these other kids have.

Ha-ha, Santa hates you.

(gasps)

Virginia and Burt felt terrible

about how Christmas went for months.

Except New Year's Eve
and St. Patrick's Day,

then they got pretty drunk.

(chuckles)

But come springtime, they had an idea.

VIRGINIA:
Look how happy he is.

And the best part is,

no kid in town is going
to be happier on Arbor Day

than our son.

We don't have to stop here.

Cinco de Mayo is right
around the corner.

And there's Presidents' Day, Flag Day,

Columbus Day.
Yeah.

Wow, that's really sweet.

Yes, it is.

I hope this is not
too forward, but I would love

to see your 9021-oh face.

Maybe later.

Okay, let's go see
what's going on across town.

It was Arbor Day at your nana's house,

and you were so excited
to tell everybody

about your new trees.

Daddy, Daddy, I planted
six trees all by myself.

I even got an achievement star.

That sounds like something
your mother would care about.

Try telling her.

Mommy, Mommy, I'm very proud of my trees.

I'd love for you to come see them.

Not now, honey.
Mommy's on the phone.

Yes. Any chance you
found a pocket mirror

and a rolled-up $100
bill in your men's room?

And once the roots take hold,

those trees are going to grow
big and tall just like me.

Sabrina, you better
not be making my drink slowly

just to have some time
to finish your boring story.

Hmm. I remember this room.

I used to stay in here

when my parents were away on business.

It was kind of lonely,
but the good news was

my parents made so much money,
I could have any toy I wanted.

Don't worry, Suzie.
When I grow up

and have a family, we're gonna
have time for each other.

We're not going to worry
about work or money or anything.

We're only going to worry
about each other.

I am shocked you didn't
become a stripper.

All right, enough with the past.

Let's get back to the present.

I have a date with the Ghost
of Canadian Thanksgiving.

She's a little bit thick,
but she got a sweet face.

This holiday feels kind of
stupid without a kid around.

I know, it's just not the same

watching Brenda and Dylan
make out without seeing

the confusion and wonder
in a young child's eyes.

(both slurping)

Wow, that's really sad.

Well, what'd you expect?
You ruined their Arbor Day.

You know, they're not the only
ones who are bummed out.

And when the little boy
woke up the next day,

all the things he wanted
were growing on trees.

But remember,

this is only a story, all right?

It won't really be like
this when you wake up.

(both sigh)

Welcome to Arbor Day future.

Oh, my God, is that Hope?

She's so beautiful.
And look at all

the stuff she has.
Jimmy and I must be doing really well.

Jimmy's bald?

No, but I looked back

at six generations of photos
to make sure that there was

no baldness in his family
before I broke up with Wyatt.

It's stress-related.

When you made Jimmy stop celebrating

all the minor holidays,

he felt pressure
to go overboard on Christmas

so Hope would have things
other kids have.

There's a saying in the ghost world:

"Behind every bald man

is a ball-busting woman."

Daddy, I was using
that new telescope you gave me

and I discovered a new comet.

Daddy's busy, honey.

Can you tell your mother

I picked up some overtime
at Howdy's East?

(sighs)

SABRINA:
He looks terrible.

I mean, did I stay with him?

Because, I-I mean,
I take care of myself,

and I expect that my...
Yeah, bup-bup-bup-bup,

wait for it.

(gasps)

Since it was your choice
to stop celebrating

the minor holidays,

pressure got to you, too.

Hey, Mommy, I...

No, not now, honey.
Mommy's got to go to work.

(sighs) All those cool toys you have

don't grow on trees.

Go talk to your robot.

(door opens and closes)

No.

No, but I....

When I grow up and have a family,

we're gonna have time for each other.

We're not going to worry about work

or money or anything.

We're only gonna worry about each other.

(robotic voice):
Nanny-Bot registering

unacceptable levels of sadness.

Initiating antidepressant cloud.

(distorted voice):
It's a dream.

(distorted voice continues)

(gasps)

(grunts)

(siren sounds)

POLICE OFFICER (over speaker):
Put the sapling down

and your hands in the air.

What the hell was she doing?

I'm glad we decided
to finish these burgers

before cheering ourselves up
by pulling out saplings.

I know, those cops really
came out of nowhere.

Where have you been?

I mean, I tried calling your cell phone

and some woman named
Big Laquanda answered.

I was in jail.

I had to trade my phone for protection.

Thanks again for bailing me out, guys.

You were in jail?

Relax, I already asked her.

No group strip searches,

no shower fights, and the warden looked

nothing like Shannon Tweed.

Cable television lied to us.

I got arrested for

ripping out trees in the park.

I know that sounds crazy,

but I was visited by

the Ghost of Arbor Day,
Past, Present and Future.

Oh, I saw Mr. Magoo like that.

He showed me that I was wrong
about Arbor Day. I...

You guys had a special family tradition

that I couldn't see the value in, and...

(sighs)

I ruined it.

No, look,

you were right that it was
stupid to rip out trees.

I mean, if it was okay,
you wouldn't have spent

the night in jail.

It's true.

If you hadn't have done it,
we were about to,

then we would've been in jail.

With my crappy flip phone,

Big Laquanda would've
had her way with me.

Oh, that is hot.

For Big Laquanda, I'm gonna picture

a young Tyne Daly.

No, Markie Post. Suzanne Somers.

Serena Williams...
Serena Williams.

Treat!

When'd you do that?

Hey, who said it was me?

Maybe it was an Arbor Day miracle.

You grew up today, Jimmy.

I'm passing my Arbor Day
costume on to you.

You go, Papa Woody.

Papa Woody...

Oh, now I get it.

(laughter) Right?

He's like the dad of the forest.

(sighs)

When you form a family of your own,

sometimes old traditions
go through a change.

But that doesn't mean
they're not just as special.

In our new Arbor Day tradition,

we planted trees the way Sabrina wanted.

Of course, she didn't have a choice...

but the rest of us did.

And we decided to join her.

And celebrating with Hope

turned out to be my
favorite Arbor Day ever.