Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 17 - Sex, Clown and Videotape - full transcript
When Burt (Garret Dillahunt) and Virginia (Martha Plimpton) discover that their storage locker is up for auction, they also realize they have misplaced a personal and incriminating home ...
(fly buzzing)
Come on, buddy.
It doesn't have to end badly.
Just trying to get you out safe.
(buzzing)
Ah...
Are you still trying to catch that fly?
Just kill it.
Flies carry deadly diseases.
Why do you think there's
a "no-fly zone"
over the White House?
I can't kill it.
It's the one thing I've got.
Nobody else in high school
lived up to their potential.
Kevin Kinlan, voted
"Most likely to succeed"?
In prison for embezzlement.
John Zachary, voted "Most athletic"?
Now he weighs 400 pounds.
He hasn't seen his feet or
his penis since the '90s.
I was the guy voted
"Least likely to hurt a fly."
I'm not going to blow it
and wind up like
the rest of those losers.
Oh, and those awards mean so much.
I was voted "Most sarcastic."
Those geniuses really nailed that one.
I got him!
Virginia, I got him!
(fly buzzing)
Go home.
Hug your wife and kiss your maggots.
Today you live!
No!
Wow.
That is gonna be a slow, slow death.
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪
(school bell ringing)
Wait, wait, wait! Don't!
Hey, don't...
Oh... (moans)
(groans)
(screams) Who is she?!
Who is who?!
And where did you get that golf club?
- We don't even golf!
- I got it
- in case you ever Tiger Woods'd me.
- No,
I was sleepwalking, all right?
I used to sleepwalk as a kid
when-when I slept
in strange places,
and now it's-it's
happening again.
(engine running)
Oh, Jimmy, that's terrible.
We got to figure out how to fix this.
What did your parents do?
Well, they got me a dog collar
and they put all my information
on the tag.
Of course they did. The store
must have been out of leeches.
No, no, we got all our leeches
from a guy my dad knows,
and I'm pretty sure
they only work on chicken pox.
(microwave running)
Oh.
The door to the microwave broke.
BURT:
Here.
Oh. I think we need to
buy a new microwave.
No, no. It's okay.
I think I have
a microwave in all my stuff.
It doesn't work,
but the door's still on.
We can just swap it out.
All your stuff?
You got rid of all your stuff
when you stopped hoarding.
You told me you stopped hoarding.
I did.
Tell you that.
I can't believe you lied and
told me you stopped hoarding.
I haven't gambled once since I quit.
I bet you $1,000
there's a bunch of other stuff
- you're not telling me.
- Why is this open?
Seriously. I bet you.
Right now.
Step away from the locker!
No, no, it's okay.
This is our stuff.
Not anymore.
You didn't pay your rent.
We're just airing out the contents
before we put it up for auction.
Hold on there.
A working grandmother
goes without paying for 24 months
and you just take all her stuff?
Romney!
He lost, Burt.
- Obama!
- Look,
I don't know what to tell you.
If you want your stuff back,
you owe $700. Other than that,
it goes to the highest bidder.
VIRGINIA:
Hey! Hey!
Just because you have
every right to take our stuff
and I don't have
any argument against it
doesn't mean I'm done
talking to you, buddy!
Excuse me. If we could
just talk about this...
(whispers):
Oh, my God, look.
It's Creepy the Clown.
VIRGINIA: Years ago, we
had a creepy clown doll
that used to freak Jimmy out.
BURT (gruffly):
Jimmy.
(cackles)
(screams)
(laughing) It was hilarious.
(thunder rumbling)
(screaming)
We didn't just torture Jimmy with it.
We also used it
to keep him out of danger.
(screams)
And while some things
could shock him for a second,
other things could scar him for life.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
We don't have the money
for that much therapy.
So we needed to hide
the tape in a place
we knew Jimmy would never look.
(whistles)
It was a perfect hiding place
until Maw Maw decided to donate stuff
to the church rummage sale.
And that was the last time
we ever saw
that creepy-looking clown.
(zapping)
Ouch! Ouch!
Is this unit up for auction?
They're all up
for bid Saturday morning.
(quietly): We've got to get our
sex tape out of that clown's ass.
I bet nobody's ever said that before.
JIMMY: - You ready?
- Yeah.
(voices speaking indistinctly
on television)
- What do you think?
- I think
America's about to elect
a terrorist as a vice president
if somebody doesn't start
listening to Claire Danes.
Oh,
you mean your sleep apnea mask.
If it prevents you from sleepwalking,
I think it's great.
I think I look like a fighter pilot.
You get to pretend you're sleeping
with Tom Cruise tonight.
- Ooh. Okay.
- Maybe get
into a little "risky business."
Is there any way I can prevent you
from ruining my Homeland marathon
by making bad Tom Cruise
references all night?
That's a "mission impossible."
Get ready for "the firm."
'Cause I'm about to make it "rain...
...man."
(groans)
(birds chirping)
Aw, not again!
(sighs)
Yo!
What are you doing?
The guy at the storage space
said those auctions go up to 500 bucks.
So if we want to get
our sex tape back,
we need to make some quick cash,
and I'm willing to try anything.
Which is something whoever gets
that tape is gonna find out.
But you can't sell the van.
Why not? Jimmy and Sabrina
have a new car.
I have a car, you have your work truck.
Maw Maw won this scooter in
a poker game with Mrs. Peables.
Even after the stroke,
she still doesn't have
much of a poker face.
I know we don't need the van, but...
it's like a part of the family.
It has so many special memories.
♪ ♪ (creaking)
(chuckles)
If there was a Tongue Hall of
Fame, Burt, you'd be in it.
And-and if there was
a Tongue Nobel Prize,
you'd have a whole shelf full.
(chuckling)
Ah, that's it!
I can't listen to this tape anymore.
It's been stuck
in there since I bought the van.
Ah.
(grunts)
Not again.
I can't do it.
We're not selling the van.
You're gonna have to find
something else to sell.
BARNEY:
Hmm, clarity in the hooves.
Perfectly symmetrical snout holes.
Only the tiny hands
of a scared Chinese child
can achieve that craftsmanship.
But I don't see the one
you know I want.
I brought you everything I have.
This is all I've got.
I've been to your house, Virginia.
I want your Swiney Todd, the
Demon Butcher of Meat Street,
wanted for multiple ham-icides.
The worst-selling character
in Pigurine history, and thus...
the rarest.
(groans) Fine.
I'll sell it to you.
But just so you know,
I consider this highway hoggery.
H-Hoggery. (laughs)
I got it. I got it.
(laughs)
I just came up with that.
Where you been?
(quietly): Operation Steal Our
Microwave Door successful.
MAN: All right, we're gonna start
the bidding at five dollars.
Somebody give me five,
somebody give me five.
I got five right there.
Anybody with six?
- Six!
- Six dollars. Can I get seven?
- Seven!
- Seven, I got seven. I got seven.
- $20!
- $20! Right over there, $20...
Frank, what the hell?
Look, I don't know
why you want this locker,
but I'll make you a deal. 21!
You let us win this locker,
we'll give you everything inside
except for that
cute little clown doll for Hope.
You can keep the doll,
but I get to keep the sex tape inside.
Oh, I know.
_
What's going on there?
Yeah, my mom's selling
some of her Pigurines
to bid on a storage unit
that has her sex tape in it.
- $100!
- I got $100 right there!
$125!
(man shouts)
- $200!
- $300!
- $400!
- $400 right there!
What? - I know how much Jimmy
makes at the grocery store.
- Where'd you get that kind of money?
- I won 800 bucks
coming in second place
at a demolition derby.
My Pacer is totaled.
Look. If you care about me
as a friend at all...
$450! You won't do this.
Okay, fine.
I'll make you a deal.
$475! You can keep the tape,
but I would like to rent it
on occasion.
$480! Okay, but just once.
$485! Go on.
You have to watch it at our house,
and you have to keep
your pants on. $490!
No rewinds, no copies, no pauses.
$495! One pause,
eight seconds long.
- Fine!
- Deal!
- $500!
- $500! $500 going once...
$500 going twice...
- sold, $500! Come on in.
- Yes!
(chuckles)
What? There's no hole!
Oh, my God!
I just sold my Pigurines and blew $500
on the wrong stuffed clown that
doesn't have our sex tape in it.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
I'm sure this happens to
people all the time. (groans)
(whimpers)
I don't know if exercising
is gonna be the answer
to my sleepwalking, and plus,
I kind of feel ridiculous.
SABRINA: Yeah, well, last
night you walked through town
in your boxer shorts
and my fuzzy slippers, so...
I think this is worth a shot.
Hey.
Either your parents
are having a yard sale
or your house finally threw up.
Yeah, talk about a lot
of stuff I don't need.
I already got
the wolf blanket, I got that
same bikini poster girl...
Wait a second.
What are you guys doing?
Oh, your mother's having a yard sale
so she can buy back her Pigurines.
I'm selling all the stuff we got
from that storage unit we won
along with some of your crap.
You just can't sell my stuff!
This is 100% authentic bathtub gin
passed down to me by
my great aunt, Blind Lizzy,
to her daughter, Blind Betty,
and then finally her sons,
Blind Barry and Sightless Sam,
who spoke the recipe to me.
Ten bucks a jar,
'cause this is probably
the last batch I can make
'cause my eyes aren't
what they used to be.
Thank you.
How much for this photo album?
Two dollars.
I don't want the pictures.
Looking at other people's
memories makes me sad.
Sorry, we got this stuff from
somebody else's storage space.
Huh. That's actually a
pretty cute baby right there.
Wow, what a happy family.
He looks so peaceful
sleeping in his bassinet.
Hey... it's that one
right there.
And there he is learning
to ride that bike!
Are you gonna sell me the book
or narrate every photo?
This album's not for sale.
There's a family out there
who would love to have
these wonderful memories.
You can go buy some of my
son's crap over there.
What are you doing?
Virginia, we can't sell this stuff,
It's not ours.
The people in these pictures
are gonna want it back.
This is the history of their
courtship and their marriage...
and their underwater birth.
Oh, scratch that.
They're just went snorkeling
with a baby sea otter.
Well, I need money
to get my Pigurines back.
Fine. I'll sell the van.
Well, the shocks still work.
(sighing)
Now all I need is some good-looking
friends and a talking dog
and my mystery-solving
business is up and running.
(choking):
I'm gonna miss her.
If you want, I can pick you up
every now and then
and take you for a ride.
No. I think that'll just
confuse the van.
(quietly):
Jimmy?
(sighing)
I can't believe you sold
the van for strangers,
but when I wanted to get the
tape back to keep my dignity,
you wouldn't even listen.
I only sold it to help you buy back
your precious Pigurines.
I told you that, but you
don't listen to me.
I don't listen to you?
You don't listen to me.
I'm not listening to this.
- Hey.
- Hi.
We found a bunch of mail
with this address on it
in an old storage unit and
we're trying to find out
who it belongs to so we can
return all their stuff.
Burt! Virginia!
I know who you are.
Christine, get over here!
Hi.
Oh.
It's Burt and Virginia.
How do you know us?
From your sex tape.
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
That's exactly how she
says it on the tape! - I know!
(slight snicker)
(whispering):
I know.
Burt, I almost didn't recognize you
with your contemporary hairstyle.
Virginia, have you kept up with
contemporary grooming trends?
I'm a little uncomfortable
with how comfortable
you two are with us.
Oh, no, it's just that
we've seen your tape
like, a thousand times.
Yeah, you said that...
like, 2,000 times.
I remember the day we got it.
We were getting ready to move
into my brother-in-law's
guest house
and we bought a bunch of things
at the church rummage sale,
but we got more than we paid for.
I wasn't really a sex tape kind of guy,
but we'd been fighting and I thought,
hey, this might
shake us out of our rut.
I've never seen anything like this.
Why don't we ever role play
as a maid and a yard guy
doing it in an old haunted house?
Your tape was heaven-sent.
We watched it almost every night.
Yeah, we even started showing it
to our sons, Dominic and Logan.
What?!
I hope, for your kids' sake,
they're blind and deaf.
Oh, no, no, no. It's not,
it's not like that.
No, Jimmy, um, edited out
all the sex parts.
You guys had such
an amazing relationship
that we took a triple-X
and made it into a "G"
so we could use it as a
teaching tool for relationships.
Check it out.
NARRATOR:
Compassion.
(fly buzzing) Oh, no, no, Burt.
It flew over back by the door.
Come here, buddy.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
It's all about catch and release.
(grunting):
Come... aww...
(murmuring):
Come here.
I got him! I got him!
I love how nice you are
to all of God's creatures.
I could never hurt a fly.
NARRATOR:
Understanding.
(panting, sighing)
You got, like, 12 alarm
clocks under the bed.
I don't know.
I just keep buying them just in case.
You don't think I'm, like,
one of those crazy hoarders, do you?
No.
No, you're just being prepared.
I imagine one day, of us
is going to have a job
that'll require us
to be somewhere on time.
NARRATOR:
Listening.
I think it's your turn to start
'cause I ripped off your
clothes last time.
Oh, speaking of rip-offs,
the Johnsons told me they want
to change landscapers today
after I trimmed all their trees.
I spent hours trying
to nail the branches back on,
then I just gave up
and I peed in the pool.
Oh, it's for the best.
Those people treated you like crap,
they never paid you on time,
and I could always
hear the stress in your voice
every time you went over there.
This landscaping thing
is only temporary.
Your rock band is about to take off.
Oh, my God.
Burt, do you believe that?
I know.
I thought we were the only
ones who still had a VCR.
Me, too!
God, I'm so glad to hear
that's what you were thinking.
I feel like we've been so out of sync
the last couple of weeks.
It's like we lost something,
but I'm not sure what.
Well, if I had to pick
three things out of thin air,
I'd say compassion,
understanding and maybe listening.
No, Burt, you know what it is?
It's listening,
and I'm sorry if I haven't been.
Me, too.
No, no, no.
We are not filming
a sequel here, weirdoes.
And we want our sex tape back.
No. You can't.
We need it.
I thought we were friends.
We barely know you.
How 'bout we buy it from you?
- No way.
- Eight hundred.
Deal. I'll get
my checkbook.
Virginia, what are you doing?
I want to get your van back
and sacrifice for you
the way you sacrificed for me
to get my Pigurines back.
Could you stop staring at me?
I know your mind's blown meeting
"Virginia from the sex tape,"
but you're making me
feel self-conscious.
Actually, um, I was just,
I was wondering about
that-that mole that you have
on your left butt cheek.
Did you ever get that checked out?
We have to go.
Okay.
SABRINA:
That's it! That's it!
I got it!
Whoa. Hey, what's
going on?
Mmm,
I had to figure this out.
I just couldn't take it anymore.
I knew there had to be
an answer to this mystery
and I just wasn't going to sleep
until I figured it out.
Jimmy, you have been
sleepwalking your whole life.
I'm not gonna let that happen again.
So I asked myself,
what do all your
sleepwalks have in common?
The red pins are where
you've been falling asleep,
and the blue pins are
where you've been waking up.
So if you extend this line,
you'll see that you've been walking
towards the same place, okay?
This is your Mecca.
This is your homeland,
the Chance residence.
Yeah, but just now, I woke up
in the dining room.
That's where your stuff is.
Oh, yeah!
That's right!
Why doesn't anybody ever believe me?!
I believe you, I believe you,
but I will say, you were a lot more fun
when your favorite show was
Californication.
♪ ♪
JIMMY: People like to say,
"home is where the heart is,"
but I kind of think
home is where your stuff is.
You sure you don't mind
me putting all my old junk
in this room?
It's our room.
Plus, I still have my old
college bulletin board
and I got lots of my old stuff.
Just look in the closet.
Ahhhhhhh!
Your parents were right.
That's hilarious.
♪ ♪
JIMMY:
Turns out I wasn't the only one
who had an emotional attachment
to their stuff.
♪ ♪
Oh.
Don't worry.
We never have to discuss
how he drove you.
(chuckling)
JIMMY: And some people
just can't get enough
of other people's stuff.
♪ ♪
Mostly, I was really glad
to have all that
sleepwalking behind me...
until I found out it was hereditary.
Come on, buddy.
It doesn't have to end badly.
Just trying to get you out safe.
(buzzing)
Ah...
Are you still trying to catch that fly?
Just kill it.
Flies carry deadly diseases.
Why do you think there's
a "no-fly zone"
over the White House?
I can't kill it.
It's the one thing I've got.
Nobody else in high school
lived up to their potential.
Kevin Kinlan, voted
"Most likely to succeed"?
In prison for embezzlement.
John Zachary, voted "Most athletic"?
Now he weighs 400 pounds.
He hasn't seen his feet or
his penis since the '90s.
I was the guy voted
"Least likely to hurt a fly."
I'm not going to blow it
and wind up like
the rest of those losers.
Oh, and those awards mean so much.
I was voted "Most sarcastic."
Those geniuses really nailed that one.
I got him!
Virginia, I got him!
(fly buzzing)
Go home.
Hug your wife and kiss your maggots.
Today you live!
No!
Wow.
That is gonna be a slow, slow death.
♪ Here we go ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! ♪
(school bell ringing)
Wait, wait, wait! Don't!
Hey, don't...
Oh... (moans)
(groans)
(screams) Who is she?!
Who is who?!
And where did you get that golf club?
- We don't even golf!
- I got it
- in case you ever Tiger Woods'd me.
- No,
I was sleepwalking, all right?
I used to sleepwalk as a kid
when-when I slept
in strange places,
and now it's-it's
happening again.
(engine running)
Oh, Jimmy, that's terrible.
We got to figure out how to fix this.
What did your parents do?
Well, they got me a dog collar
and they put all my information
on the tag.
Of course they did. The store
must have been out of leeches.
No, no, we got all our leeches
from a guy my dad knows,
and I'm pretty sure
they only work on chicken pox.
(microwave running)
Oh.
The door to the microwave broke.
BURT:
Here.
Oh. I think we need to
buy a new microwave.
No, no. It's okay.
I think I have
a microwave in all my stuff.
It doesn't work,
but the door's still on.
We can just swap it out.
All your stuff?
You got rid of all your stuff
when you stopped hoarding.
You told me you stopped hoarding.
I did.
Tell you that.
I can't believe you lied and
told me you stopped hoarding.
I haven't gambled once since I quit.
I bet you $1,000
there's a bunch of other stuff
- you're not telling me.
- Why is this open?
Seriously. I bet you.
Right now.
Step away from the locker!
No, no, it's okay.
This is our stuff.
Not anymore.
You didn't pay your rent.
We're just airing out the contents
before we put it up for auction.
Hold on there.
A working grandmother
goes without paying for 24 months
and you just take all her stuff?
Romney!
He lost, Burt.
- Obama!
- Look,
I don't know what to tell you.
If you want your stuff back,
you owe $700. Other than that,
it goes to the highest bidder.
VIRGINIA:
Hey! Hey!
Just because you have
every right to take our stuff
and I don't have
any argument against it
doesn't mean I'm done
talking to you, buddy!
Excuse me. If we could
just talk about this...
(whispers):
Oh, my God, look.
It's Creepy the Clown.
VIRGINIA: Years ago, we
had a creepy clown doll
that used to freak Jimmy out.
BURT (gruffly):
Jimmy.
(cackles)
(screams)
(laughing) It was hilarious.
(thunder rumbling)
(screaming)
We didn't just torture Jimmy with it.
We also used it
to keep him out of danger.
(screams)
And while some things
could shock him for a second,
other things could scar him for life.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
We don't have the money
for that much therapy.
So we needed to hide
the tape in a place
we knew Jimmy would never look.
(whistles)
It was a perfect hiding place
until Maw Maw decided to donate stuff
to the church rummage sale.
And that was the last time
we ever saw
that creepy-looking clown.
(zapping)
Ouch! Ouch!
Is this unit up for auction?
They're all up
for bid Saturday morning.
(quietly): We've got to get our
sex tape out of that clown's ass.
I bet nobody's ever said that before.
JIMMY: - You ready?
- Yeah.
(voices speaking indistinctly
on television)
- What do you think?
- I think
America's about to elect
a terrorist as a vice president
if somebody doesn't start
listening to Claire Danes.
Oh,
you mean your sleep apnea mask.
If it prevents you from sleepwalking,
I think it's great.
I think I look like a fighter pilot.
You get to pretend you're sleeping
with Tom Cruise tonight.
- Ooh. Okay.
- Maybe get
into a little "risky business."
Is there any way I can prevent you
from ruining my Homeland marathon
by making bad Tom Cruise
references all night?
That's a "mission impossible."
Get ready for "the firm."
'Cause I'm about to make it "rain...
...man."
(groans)
(birds chirping)
Aw, not again!
(sighs)
Yo!
What are you doing?
The guy at the storage space
said those auctions go up to 500 bucks.
So if we want to get
our sex tape back,
we need to make some quick cash,
and I'm willing to try anything.
Which is something whoever gets
that tape is gonna find out.
But you can't sell the van.
Why not? Jimmy and Sabrina
have a new car.
I have a car, you have your work truck.
Maw Maw won this scooter in
a poker game with Mrs. Peables.
Even after the stroke,
she still doesn't have
much of a poker face.
I know we don't need the van, but...
it's like a part of the family.
It has so many special memories.
♪ ♪ (creaking)
(chuckles)
If there was a Tongue Hall of
Fame, Burt, you'd be in it.
And-and if there was
a Tongue Nobel Prize,
you'd have a whole shelf full.
(chuckling)
Ah, that's it!
I can't listen to this tape anymore.
It's been stuck
in there since I bought the van.
Ah.
(grunts)
Not again.
I can't do it.
We're not selling the van.
You're gonna have to find
something else to sell.
BARNEY:
Hmm, clarity in the hooves.
Perfectly symmetrical snout holes.
Only the tiny hands
of a scared Chinese child
can achieve that craftsmanship.
But I don't see the one
you know I want.
I brought you everything I have.
This is all I've got.
I've been to your house, Virginia.
I want your Swiney Todd, the
Demon Butcher of Meat Street,
wanted for multiple ham-icides.
The worst-selling character
in Pigurine history, and thus...
the rarest.
(groans) Fine.
I'll sell it to you.
But just so you know,
I consider this highway hoggery.
H-Hoggery. (laughs)
I got it. I got it.
(laughs)
I just came up with that.
Where you been?
(quietly): Operation Steal Our
Microwave Door successful.
MAN: All right, we're gonna start
the bidding at five dollars.
Somebody give me five,
somebody give me five.
I got five right there.
Anybody with six?
- Six!
- Six dollars. Can I get seven?
- Seven!
- Seven, I got seven. I got seven.
- $20!
- $20! Right over there, $20...
Frank, what the hell?
Look, I don't know
why you want this locker,
but I'll make you a deal. 21!
You let us win this locker,
we'll give you everything inside
except for that
cute little clown doll for Hope.
You can keep the doll,
but I get to keep the sex tape inside.
Oh, I know.
_
What's going on there?
Yeah, my mom's selling
some of her Pigurines
to bid on a storage unit
that has her sex tape in it.
- $100!
- I got $100 right there!
$125!
(man shouts)
- $200!
- $300!
- $400!
- $400 right there!
What? - I know how much Jimmy
makes at the grocery store.
- Where'd you get that kind of money?
- I won 800 bucks
coming in second place
at a demolition derby.
My Pacer is totaled.
Look. If you care about me
as a friend at all...
$450! You won't do this.
Okay, fine.
I'll make you a deal.
$475! You can keep the tape,
but I would like to rent it
on occasion.
$480! Okay, but just once.
$485! Go on.
You have to watch it at our house,
and you have to keep
your pants on. $490!
No rewinds, no copies, no pauses.
$495! One pause,
eight seconds long.
- Fine!
- Deal!
- $500!
- $500! $500 going once...
$500 going twice...
- sold, $500! Come on in.
- Yes!
(chuckles)
What? There's no hole!
Oh, my God!
I just sold my Pigurines and blew $500
on the wrong stuffed clown that
doesn't have our sex tape in it.
Don't beat yourself up about it.
I'm sure this happens to
people all the time. (groans)
(whimpers)
I don't know if exercising
is gonna be the answer
to my sleepwalking, and plus,
I kind of feel ridiculous.
SABRINA: Yeah, well, last
night you walked through town
in your boxer shorts
and my fuzzy slippers, so...
I think this is worth a shot.
Hey.
Either your parents
are having a yard sale
or your house finally threw up.
Yeah, talk about a lot
of stuff I don't need.
I already got
the wolf blanket, I got that
same bikini poster girl...
Wait a second.
What are you guys doing?
Oh, your mother's having a yard sale
so she can buy back her Pigurines.
I'm selling all the stuff we got
from that storage unit we won
along with some of your crap.
You just can't sell my stuff!
This is 100% authentic bathtub gin
passed down to me by
my great aunt, Blind Lizzy,
to her daughter, Blind Betty,
and then finally her sons,
Blind Barry and Sightless Sam,
who spoke the recipe to me.
Ten bucks a jar,
'cause this is probably
the last batch I can make
'cause my eyes aren't
what they used to be.
Thank you.
How much for this photo album?
Two dollars.
I don't want the pictures.
Looking at other people's
memories makes me sad.
Sorry, we got this stuff from
somebody else's storage space.
Huh. That's actually a
pretty cute baby right there.
Wow, what a happy family.
He looks so peaceful
sleeping in his bassinet.
Hey... it's that one
right there.
And there he is learning
to ride that bike!
Are you gonna sell me the book
or narrate every photo?
This album's not for sale.
There's a family out there
who would love to have
these wonderful memories.
You can go buy some of my
son's crap over there.
What are you doing?
Virginia, we can't sell this stuff,
It's not ours.
The people in these pictures
are gonna want it back.
This is the history of their
courtship and their marriage...
and their underwater birth.
Oh, scratch that.
They're just went snorkeling
with a baby sea otter.
Well, I need money
to get my Pigurines back.
Fine. I'll sell the van.
Well, the shocks still work.
(sighing)
Now all I need is some good-looking
friends and a talking dog
and my mystery-solving
business is up and running.
(choking):
I'm gonna miss her.
If you want, I can pick you up
every now and then
and take you for a ride.
No. I think that'll just
confuse the van.
(quietly):
Jimmy?
(sighing)
I can't believe you sold
the van for strangers,
but when I wanted to get the
tape back to keep my dignity,
you wouldn't even listen.
I only sold it to help you buy back
your precious Pigurines.
I told you that, but you
don't listen to me.
I don't listen to you?
You don't listen to me.
I'm not listening to this.
- Hey.
- Hi.
We found a bunch of mail
with this address on it
in an old storage unit and
we're trying to find out
who it belongs to so we can
return all their stuff.
Burt! Virginia!
I know who you are.
Christine, get over here!
Hi.
Oh.
It's Burt and Virginia.
How do you know us?
From your sex tape.
Oh, God. Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
That's exactly how she
says it on the tape! - I know!
(slight snicker)
(whispering):
I know.
Burt, I almost didn't recognize you
with your contemporary hairstyle.
Virginia, have you kept up with
contemporary grooming trends?
I'm a little uncomfortable
with how comfortable
you two are with us.
Oh, no, it's just that
we've seen your tape
like, a thousand times.
Yeah, you said that...
like, 2,000 times.
I remember the day we got it.
We were getting ready to move
into my brother-in-law's
guest house
and we bought a bunch of things
at the church rummage sale,
but we got more than we paid for.
I wasn't really a sex tape kind of guy,
but we'd been fighting and I thought,
hey, this might
shake us out of our rut.
I've never seen anything like this.
Why don't we ever role play
as a maid and a yard guy
doing it in an old haunted house?
Your tape was heaven-sent.
We watched it almost every night.
Yeah, we even started showing it
to our sons, Dominic and Logan.
What?!
I hope, for your kids' sake,
they're blind and deaf.
Oh, no, no, no. It's not,
it's not like that.
No, Jimmy, um, edited out
all the sex parts.
You guys had such
an amazing relationship
that we took a triple-X
and made it into a "G"
so we could use it as a
teaching tool for relationships.
Check it out.
NARRATOR:
Compassion.
(fly buzzing) Oh, no, no, Burt.
It flew over back by the door.
Come here, buddy.
I'm not gonna hurt you.
It's all about catch and release.
(grunting):
Come... aww...
(murmuring):
Come here.
I got him! I got him!
I love how nice you are
to all of God's creatures.
I could never hurt a fly.
NARRATOR:
Understanding.
(panting, sighing)
You got, like, 12 alarm
clocks under the bed.
I don't know.
I just keep buying them just in case.
You don't think I'm, like,
one of those crazy hoarders, do you?
No.
No, you're just being prepared.
I imagine one day, of us
is going to have a job
that'll require us
to be somewhere on time.
NARRATOR:
Listening.
I think it's your turn to start
'cause I ripped off your
clothes last time.
Oh, speaking of rip-offs,
the Johnsons told me they want
to change landscapers today
after I trimmed all their trees.
I spent hours trying
to nail the branches back on,
then I just gave up
and I peed in the pool.
Oh, it's for the best.
Those people treated you like crap,
they never paid you on time,
and I could always
hear the stress in your voice
every time you went over there.
This landscaping thing
is only temporary.
Your rock band is about to take off.
Oh, my God.
Burt, do you believe that?
I know.
I thought we were the only
ones who still had a VCR.
Me, too!
God, I'm so glad to hear
that's what you were thinking.
I feel like we've been so out of sync
the last couple of weeks.
It's like we lost something,
but I'm not sure what.
Well, if I had to pick
three things out of thin air,
I'd say compassion,
understanding and maybe listening.
No, Burt, you know what it is?
It's listening,
and I'm sorry if I haven't been.
Me, too.
No, no, no.
We are not filming
a sequel here, weirdoes.
And we want our sex tape back.
No. You can't.
We need it.
I thought we were friends.
We barely know you.
How 'bout we buy it from you?
- No way.
- Eight hundred.
Deal. I'll get
my checkbook.
Virginia, what are you doing?
I want to get your van back
and sacrifice for you
the way you sacrificed for me
to get my Pigurines back.
Could you stop staring at me?
I know your mind's blown meeting
"Virginia from the sex tape,"
but you're making me
feel self-conscious.
Actually, um, I was just,
I was wondering about
that-that mole that you have
on your left butt cheek.
Did you ever get that checked out?
We have to go.
Okay.
SABRINA:
That's it! That's it!
I got it!
Whoa. Hey, what's
going on?
Mmm,
I had to figure this out.
I just couldn't take it anymore.
I knew there had to be
an answer to this mystery
and I just wasn't going to sleep
until I figured it out.
Jimmy, you have been
sleepwalking your whole life.
I'm not gonna let that happen again.
So I asked myself,
what do all your
sleepwalks have in common?
The red pins are where
you've been falling asleep,
and the blue pins are
where you've been waking up.
So if you extend this line,
you'll see that you've been walking
towards the same place, okay?
This is your Mecca.
This is your homeland,
the Chance residence.
Yeah, but just now, I woke up
in the dining room.
That's where your stuff is.
Oh, yeah!
That's right!
Why doesn't anybody ever believe me?!
I believe you, I believe you,
but I will say, you were a lot more fun
when your favorite show was
Californication.
♪ ♪
JIMMY: People like to say,
"home is where the heart is,"
but I kind of think
home is where your stuff is.
You sure you don't mind
me putting all my old junk
in this room?
It's our room.
Plus, I still have my old
college bulletin board
and I got lots of my old stuff.
Just look in the closet.
Ahhhhhhh!
Your parents were right.
That's hilarious.
♪ ♪
JIMMY:
Turns out I wasn't the only one
who had an emotional attachment
to their stuff.
♪ ♪
Oh.
Don't worry.
We never have to discuss
how he drove you.
(chuckling)
JIMMY: And some people
just can't get enough
of other people's stuff.
♪ ♪
Mostly, I was really glad
to have all that
sleepwalking behind me...
until I found out it was hereditary.