Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 3, Episode 16 - Yo Zappa Do: Part 2 - full transcript

- Are you ready to laugh?
AUDIENCE: - Yeah!

Great! Well,
before we get started,

at least you should know
what you're laughing at.

Here's what happened last week.

Barney wanted to impress his friends

Jimmy and Sabrina
with a trip to Los Angeles.

Do you think you could talk to Trevor
about getting Hope an autograph?

I can do better than that.
(snaps fingers)

How about I call Trevor and get
you tickets to see the show?

So the Chances loaded up their truck

and took a hilarious trip to Hollywood.



But when they got here,
something unexpected happened.

Not again. Come on,
kid, that's your cue.

Give 'em the raspberry.
Drew Barrymore

could've done this drunk at your age.

And that's when a star was born.

(blows raspberries)

Who just did that?

(blows raspberry)

I can't believe it.
Hope's gonna be a star.

So now that you're
all caught up, here we go!

AUDIENCE:
Oh, oh, oh!

♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh... ♪

Hey! Congratulations!



Hope's gonna be
a star! Yay!

All right, so, today
she's got hair, wardrobe,

an appointment with a personal trainer,

and... the insurance company
wants her to tinkle

in this for a drug test.

Urine, snot-- whatever we can
squeeze out of her is all yours.

(audience laughter)

Why is the audience still here?
Oh, yeah,

we like to keep 'em here
until they get agitated.

Then we unleash them on the
Jerry Springer stage. It's fun.

Anyway, we like to ask

a member of the family to be an extra,

to help the kid actors
through the scenes.

Any of you want to be on the show?

Yep.

Usually we ask the mother.

Oh, her real mother's dead.

AUDIENCE:
Aw...

Oh, don't worry,
she was a serial killer.

(loud cheering)

All right, then I guess Dad it is.

Just head over to wardrobe
later and get your costume.

Yay! And don't forget
to pee in the cup, okay?

Any one of you can do it,
as long as you're clean.

(audience cheering loudly)

Hey, glad you guys could come.

Uh, these are my writers.

They come up with my insults now.

Not like back in the old days

when Jimmy stood between me
and this Natesville "ten."

Hollywood "four."

But don't worry,

I'm all full of good will now.

Just like your closet, Jimmy.

(audience laughter)

Okay, you're lucky you're just a kid.

But in four more years,

you're gonna be 18,

and when you blow out those candles,

you better wish
for an ass-kicking,

'cause that's what you're gonna get!

(audience jeering)

You don't stand a chance
against me, Jimmy.

They love me--
I'm a big star

that gets the Jonas Brothers'
leftovers.

We're talking
about relatively hot girls

that'll kiss both
American and French style.

"Your nose is so big, when you sneeze

New Jersey has to evacuate
its entire coastline."

(audience groaning)

Come on, guys.
Too soon.

Barbara June.

Wh-Where do you
think you're going?

Oh, I'm-I'm on my
way to the beach

to get rid of Wilfred's ashes.

Oh, well, I better come with you.

You're wearing Crip colors,

and west of Lincoln is Blood territory.

It's like you totally ignored

all the advice in the travel brochures.

I'm not dumping
Wilfred's ashes in the ocean.

I'm gonna throw them
in the face of that whore

he cheated on me with, and hope
she chokes to death on them

and burns in Hell.

Oh, plus, there's supposed to be

a good taco place nearby for after.

You want to come?

Well, I'm no stranger to betrayal.

Last week our strongest elf
left my online role-playing clan

right before we tried to take on
the Dragon of Kjolnar. (groans)

Also, my wife constantly cheated on me.

So, you want to help me?

Try and stop me.

(grunts)

That was a figure of speech.

What are you doing?

Taking pictures of all this food.

The guys back at the pool supply store

will never believe there's
a pile of free bacon

- as big as your head.
- Ooh, wait,

let me put my head
next to it for scale.

(click) Now take a fistful of bacon

and stuff it in your mouth
to show that it's free.

(groans)

- I'm out of film! I got to get more film!
- Well, I saw

a drugstore on the way in here.
I'll betcha they have more film.

Oh, and pick me up a toothbrush
while you're out.

Maw Maw used mine last night,
and I'm not sure what for.

Whoa... it's all fake!

Hollywood, you keep
throwing me curveballs!

Oh, my God.

You're not fake at all, are you?

A real Nicaraguan pink dowager.

What are you doing so far from home?

And you're a mess.

Nah... I'll have you
pruned up in no time.

What's that?

No, no. I'm from Natesville.

Okay, here's the deal.

When the old whore opens the door,

you step back...

and I'll throw the ashes in her face.

Hello, I'm a woman.
Please don't call me "sir."

I'm Barbara June Thompson.

I'm going to call you Beardface.

Is your grandmother home, Beardface?

(whispers): - Barbara June! Manners.
- It's a condition,

and it's a lot more common
than you might think.

So are razors.

We're not here for that.

I'm here looking for a skank

by the name of Marienne Crabtree.

Shh! Wait a second.

Grandpa, why don't you
go out to the garden.

Okay.

(inhales)

(Grandpa's gurgling groan)

Look, I know why you're here.

I'm sorry if my grandmother slept

with your husband or your
boyfriend or broke your heart.

She was a huge whore;
we all know it.

My grandfather doesn't need to hear it.

What do you mean she was a huge whore?

With today's advances in lotions
and jellies and creams,

I'm sure she's still out there
trampin' up the neighborhood.

Actually, she's dead.

I hope that brings you some comfort.

Well, I'm sorry you
didn't get your closure,

but, hey, look
at the bright side--

she's dead and you get to move on.

Oh... I'm making a
move, all right--

on that old geezer.

She slept with my man!

I'm gonna sleep with hers!

(maniacal laughing) Oh, you're
quite mad, Barbara June.

(continues maniacal laughing)
But I can't say your laugh

isn't a bit infectious.

(both laughing maniacally)

Hey, you!

Who told you you could
mess with that bush?

I'm sorry, I didn't mean
to be messing...

Wait a minute, why am I
apologizing to a golfer?

This bush has been severely neglected.

Whoever's in charge here
should be ashamed of themselves.

Well, you've got
a take-charge attitude.

We need more people like you.

So, what's this bush
supposed to look like?

Well, it's not really
supposed to look...

I think it looks like a fat guy.

(laughs) I love fat guys!

They make me laugh.
(chuckles)

Until they die young.

And then I'm sad.

You just made me laugh and cry.

You're a true artist.

Well, the art's already in there--
I just try

to carve away the rest of the
bush so you could see it.

Listen, the courtyard
by the parking structure

needs a makeover.

You come to my office tomorrow
with a pitch--

and I don't mean this whole
"fat guy" thing, I'm over that.

So you want me to "branch out"?

(laughing):
That's funny!

Not strong enough
to end the scene on...

but funny.

VIRGINIA:
All right, Hope,

we need to try on
some of these clothes I got ya!

Whoa-whoa-whoa, we're
working on Hope's craft.

Well, that's a waste of time.

Child stars go downhill
no matter how good they act.

They could star in a Spielberg movie

and still end up playing the nutty mom

on some sitcom.

Trust me.

The real money is in product placement.

Alvin Klein?

(laughs):
Dolce and Banana?

Armenian Eagle?

Well, they're knockoffs!
We can't put her

in the big brand names yet--
she hasn't popped.

SABRINA:
Acting is about art.

It's not about shamelessly trying

- to peddle a product.
- Yeah?

Tell that to that Paul Newman guy.

He's in every aisle
of the grocery store.

I think I even use his tampons.

MAN:
So, the concept is...

a notorious playboy dies
and can't get into Heaven,

so he's got to go back to Earth
and help couples find true love.

It's called Douche Angel.

No.

(whispers):
I loved it.

Plant Guy!

You've got five minutes.

Okay, uh... do you have
a cassette player?

No.

Oh.

Okay, uh...

I think the pitch'll
still work without music.

Two, three, four...

♪ Hey, two, three, four ♪

♪ Plants, two, three, four ♪

♪ Courtyard! ♪

Interesting.

It's like Glee but with plants.

Go on.

♪ Two, three, four... ♪

Okay.

What are you doing?

We have to get Hope into wardrobe.

No. We have to get Hope
into Us Magazine,

and this outfit...

...is gonna do it.

You are gonna get her fired

trying to sneak in
your own product placement!

She is an actor, not a race car.

Oh. You had to play
the race car.

(laughing)

I feel like an idiot in this costume.

It makes me look like a total...

Ass?

Well, technically,

my character is Dr. Buttcrack,

and apparently, I got my medical degree

from Fartbutt State University.

- Mm.
- So, we ready to go?

Excuse me?
I don't think

that I can wear this on TV.

That's fine with me.
Anyone else want

to slip into this giant ass,
get yourself on TV?

- I'll do it!
- Oh, no-no-no-no. I'll do it.

Great, great, 'cause my buzz is

wearing off and we only got
two more hours with the kid.

All right, let's shoot this
steaming pile of show business!

Hello, I'm a woman.

Please don't... oh.

I'm so sorry to bother you again

but I felt guilty all day

that my friend Barbara June
came in here

and dredged up the memories
of your whorish grandmother.

A lovely woman such as yourself

didn't deserve that.

Other than the milk company I sued

over all those bull hormones,

no one's ever apologized to me before.

I'm blushing.

I-It's hardly noticeable.

Would you like to come in for some tea?

Oh, I'd like that very much.

And with a little rain...

and the warmth of the sun...

...and of course,
the finest manure...

Uh, we get it! We get it.

You know I've heard a lot
of crappy pitches in my time,

but I've never seen anyone bring in

an actual bucket of feces.

(chuckling)

Plant Guy, I'm disappointed...

...that I have never heard

a landscaping pitch this good before!

Sold!

Come on, let's hear it!

(kazooing song:
"Bicycle Built for Two")

(kazoos harmonizing)

Wow.

I haven't met many women who play.

I also play the slide whistle
and the maracas.

Whoa.

So you manage a grocery store?

That sounds exciting.

Well, what do you do?

I'm a soup taster.

Oh, I have a cousin who tasted stews.

You're kidding?

I would love to get into stews.

I'll send him your résumé.

Thanks.

(playing "Camptown Races")

(kazooing continues)

And here I am in high school.

Oh. Which cheerleader
were you?

Oh, no, I was the mascot.

The Burbank Billy Goat.

I was the first student in 20 years

who didn't have to wear
the costume head.

(cheering): Push 'em back,
push 'em back, way...

(baaing):
Ba-a-a-a-a-a-ack.

I've always found billy goats
to have a quiet dignity.

You're a beautiful man, Barney.

It's been so long.

(moaning)

(laughter)

Now, I know you look
like a big, fat butt,

but are you gonna check
my reflexes or what?

(groaning)

(laughing)

Wait, that's not in the script.

Trevor likes to riff.

He's got a real talent for rhyming.

His first hip-hop album
drops next week.

"Yo Grabba Ho."

Cici, I heard you were sick.

Having a cold can be hard to kick.

(grunting) (audience laughing)

Cici, are you out of whack?

Just take a shot
from Dr. Buttcrack.

(blows raspberry) (all oohing)

That's not in the script.

Trevor doesn't like it
when other people improvise.

Hope likes to riff, too.

I don't think you heard me.

I said, Cici, are you out of whack?

Just take a shot
from Dr. Buttcrack.

(blows raspberry) (laughing)

And... cut!

We're moving on.

Wait. I still had
another joke.

We're not gonna beat that.

Yo, yo, yo, Zappa Do.

Looks like Hope's the star,
and you're number two.

(laughing, blows raspberry)

(blows raspberry)

(laughing)

You're a great kisser.

Thanks.

So are you.

Why don't we take this upstairs?

Well, not the hottest sex
I've ever had,

but in this case,

revenge is a dish best served cold.

What is she doing here?

While he was distracting you,

I was having revenge sex
with your grandpa.

We put his adjustable bed
into positions

it never imagined.

You're a monster.

And you?

That's what this was all about?

I have to be honest.

I was supposed to be distracting you,

but somewhere along the way,

I realized for the
first time in years...

I could get lucky.

Is that offer still on the table?

You're both monsters.

You wanted to see my grandmother?

I'll show her to you,

up close.

Ugh. Oh!

N-No, no, no.
Ladies!

Ladies, please!
Ladies, please!

(gasping)

(gasping):
Help!

I left my inhaler in the car!

(gasping)

Wow!

I thought we were
gonna have to bring in

some hired guns for a major replant,

but you nailed it.

I wouldn't change a flower.

Thank you, Mr. President.

This is only the beginning.

Today a courtyard;
tomorrow, a hedge maze.

Thursday, I rest because I'm human,

but Friday, I'm back
fresh with big ideas.

Whoa, whoa!
Slow down, Plant Guy.

I love it,

but I gotta make sure the
people I sell my shows to

enjoy this courtyard, too.

We'll see what the focus group thinks.

These are the presidents

of all the major networks.

Burt, this is FOX, NBC, CBS, ABC.

Oh, and here's BET.

I know. A white guy.
Go figure.

So, we all think
this is perfect, right?

It's really great.

It taps into the whole Zeitgeist

of the modern courtyard.

I just wish it were a
little more relatable

to the 18-34 demo.

I was thinking the same thing.

Maybe something
gluten-free.

My niece likes
gluten-free.

Yo, the hedges is tight,
but to really set it off,

white boy should throw some
daisies around that bitch.

You heard 'em, Burt.

More gluten-free,

and do whatever the hell Joe just said.

I don't know how to tell you this,

but nothing they just said
makes any sense.

Let me give you a piece of advice, kid,

you want to landscape in this town,

you better play the game.

Look, I just want to make
something I'm proud of

that I know people will like.

With all this involvement
and intrusion,

I don't understand how you guys make

so many fine movies and TV shows.

I-I'm going back
to Natesville.

I-I don't care if living
by the processing plant

shaves 20 years off my life.

At least there I can make

the kinds of gardens I believe in.

Which one of you is from NBC?

(loud groan)

That's for canceling
My Name is Earl!"

That was eight network presidents ago!

I loved it!

(blows raspberry)

She's the next Meryl Streep.

What does Meryl Streep have?

Does she have a handbag line?

A Twitter account?

She's never on TV.

How can you consider
yourself a celebrity

if you've never been on
"Celebrity" anything?

Cici, that's enough monkeying around.

It's time for me to make
my wizard sound.

Yo Zappa Do!

And... cut!

Hold places, get the girl out.

What's going on?

Why are you taking Hope out?

Oh, there's been a rewrite.
Hope's been replaced.

I was gonna tell you guys before,

but I hate confrontation
when I'm sober.

Is this because Sabrina was

making changes to the script?

You turned her into a billboard.

Nobody looks up to a billboard.

Okay, I know people literally
look up to billboards.

You know what I meant.

It wasn't either of you.

Oh, I get it.

It's Jimmy's fault for
sucking as an extra.

I've done everything they've asked!

Uh, you guys weren't the problem, okay?

I deal with crazy actors

and their crazy families all the time.

The truth is you can behave

as horribly as you want
in show business.

The one thing you can't do
is steal a star's thunder.

I've been in this business for
eight months-- eight months--

and I've given way too much
of my life away

to lose my show to some
one-trick pony

who still wears pull-ups.

But she's such a hit with the fans.

I want her off the show, Stu.

Honestly, it's like you want me to post

those pictures with you
and that Asian transvestite.

Hope's already shot half the scenes.

You can't take her out of the show now.

It makes no sense.

This is a show about a kid
who wears enchanted tap shoes

whose gym teacher's a mermaid.

We are not concerned about logic.

And action!

(audience laughter)

Damn.

It really is funnier with a monkey.

(sighing)

(blows raspberry)

(laughter)

I was really hoping going to Hollywood

would make our life more exciting.

I guess we're just doomed
to be boring people forever.

Well, if you think about it,

our lives are actually pretty exciting.

Hope was a TV star for a day.

That's true.

And I refused to compromise my art

for fame and money.

I'm like... like...

Actually, I can't think of
anyone who's ever done that.

And although I'm not a real doctor,

I did get to play one on TV.

I had revenge sex with an old guy

while Barney made out
with a bearded woman.

Barbara June!

I got to second base
with a bearded woman.

If you're gonna tell a story,
tell it right.

It was a crazy trip.

Maybe our lives really are exciting.

You know, I think if someone
filmed the stuff we do,

it'd be fun to watch.

Yeah, I can see that.

I mean if you edited out
all the boring parts,

you know, like this stuff,

where we're all just sitting
around talking in the car.

Hmm.

Hah. Look, somebody
wrote "wash me"

on that back of that dirty car.

(all laugh half-heartedly)

"Gas, food, lodging,
20 miles."

- Hmm.
- Huh.

That's a big cloud.