Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Men of New Natesville - full transcript

There's a lot of things you do
when you have a daughter

that you never
pictured yourself doing.

This is so much cuter
now that I took in the waist.

Little by little,
you start to change.

Okay, Hope, who do you think
wore it better?

Jessica Biel or Lea Michele?

You're crazy.

And before you know it,

you're just not the same guy
you used to be.

You know, girls,
I think I like making them

almost as much as eating them.



Am I right?

And the weird part is,

you don't even realize
you've changed

until someone
finally calls you out on it.

Stop being a girl.

♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh! ♪

I'm not saying to stop
being a great dad.

Just butch it up
a little.

You don't want other guys
seeing you do this stuff.

You don't want girls
seeing you do it.

You think Sabrina
wants to be with a guy

who cries
at cell phone commercials?

It's just that one.

The guy finds
a teddy bear



his daughter put in
his suitcase, and...

he calls her
all the way from China.

Oh, you're a mess, dude.

Women like
sensitive guys.

Where'd you hear that?

Mom.
Please.

Women think they like
sensitive men.

But they also want someone
with a little bit of danger.

I'm not saying you got to be
a ten on the macho scale.

I mean, your patchy beard
growth rules that out.

But you used
to be a seven.

Ever since the
baby came along,

you've been moving
down to about a five.

That's just above
Rosie O'Donnell.

You think that's what
Sabrina's looking for?

I don't know.

I have a little
bit of sensitivity

because I play guitar,
and my love of daiquiris.

That, and you have
a rating system for men.

Exactly.

But your mom fell
in love with me

because I also have
my dangerous side.

I smuggle fireworks
across the border.

I give cops a
lot of lip.

I dry-humped the school
mascot at homecoming.

Your mother claims she
hated that kind of stuff,

but hey, she let
me knock her up.

Well, I'm not going
to become a smuggler,

or talk back to cops
or hump mascots.

Well, you got to find

your own thing, then--
something dangerous

that she'll want
to hear about.

You got to get your
edge back, man.

I haven't lost my edge.

It was a windy day
outside the black church,

so I got a couple
of good ones.

I'll go make

your virgin mint juleps.

Our pretty little ponies
are running

in the Pretty Little
Kentucky Derby later.

Maybe I've lost
a bit of my edge.

What are you doing up there?

Just having my lunch break
where it's dangerous.

Guess I'm kind of a daredevil.

I guess so.

Well, I like living on the edge.

And, apparently, I'm not

the first person
to have lunch up here.

There's raisins on this beam.

It's not a raisin.

James, James, James!

Do we all need
to watch

the company's work
safety video again?

I would like to cordially
invite you both

to my uncle's party tonight.

Oh, uh, I can't.

Uh, I'm, uh,
waxing my floors,

my, uh, car,

my skis, my legs.

I have a lot
of wax I need to get rid of.

What about you, Sabrina?

Oh, I can't.

I have really bad
diarrhea.

Well, that's a shame

'cause we're going
to get some beer

and blow stuff up in the park.

You're so lucky
he didn't look up.

You didn't even have
to make up an excuse.

And now I have to go
wax my legs

'cause you can
bet Frank will be

checking my
calves tomorrow.

I don't understand why

anybody would would want to go
Frank's party.

I mean, it just
sounds dangerous.

Dangerous, huh?

Hey, Frank,
what time is that party?

I'm in.

I don't like
the idea of you

blowing stuff
up with Frank.

He's creepy.

You know, he gets this from you.

This is like
one of those

idiot things you did
in high school.

You know what's one of the idiot
things she did in high school?

Me.

'Cause I'm dangerous.

Go get 'em,
danger boy!

Jimmy!

You ready to blow
something up?

Uh, I think I'm just
going to watch things first.

All right, watch the master.

So this is blowing things up?

Do you blow them up
until they explode?

No, dude.
Just till you get dizzy.

Morning.

You want eggs or toast
for breakfast?

But keep in mind,
if you say eggs,

you're going to be disappointed.

What's going on?

Where am I?

My place.

You passed out.

I know I said I'd
carry you home,

but dizzy Frank
isn't good

about keeping his promises.

Hey, that looks like my house.

You even have the six Frisbees
we lost on the roof.

Yeah.

I used satellite images

and built a model
of the whole town.

I'm not as weird
as you thought I was, am I?

I can't believe you
made a tiny Natesville.

Well, it's not
technically Natesville.

It's New Natesville.

It's exactly like Natesville,
except way cooler.

Is that you?

Yeah. I was just
having a beer.

I was exhausted
after helping my parents

move back into town.

I thought your parents
moved to Florida.

No, not in
New Natesville.

They missed me so much,
they moved back.

Here, check it out.

This is them driving up
in their moving van.

They sped, they were
so eager to see me.

I did most of
the moving.

Mom likes how
strong I am.

And then we
celebrated

with sparkling cider

'cause, in New Natesville,
my dad's not an alcoholic.

It's really artistic.

Thanks.

I got the idea from this
really cool documentary

called Marwencol.

I based a lot
of my life on movies.

My hair?

Lou Diamond Phillips,
Young Guns II.

Everything looks
so accurate.

Everything except
Eagle Mountain.

Originally, I used
cocoa powder,

but I kept destroying it

every time I craved
chocolate milk,

and so, I gotta
switch to dirt.

Whoa.

Cool. Howdy's.

What's with
all the balloons?

New Natesville has a bit
of an alien problem.

Last week, he tried
to attack the store.

He didn't count on
Frank the deli ninja.

Barney threw me a party

and named me
employee of the year.

And at the
awards ceremony,

I got to meet the
Dukes of Hazzard.

The alien's into
Marilyn Manson?

Well, he's sort of loosely based
on this kid I used to know.

Back in junior high,

I wasn't the cool,
confident Frank you know.

Mostly 'cause of
Tommy Bitzleberger.

Hey, Frank.

Put your hair the
way I like it.

Good.

Now I'm going to do the
"Frank the Skank" rap.

I need a beat.

Bang your head against
the window for me, skank.

Ow, ow...

♪ Frank the Skank
smells really rank ♪

♪ His father drank,
his sister stank ♪

♪ His fat mama's
got a butt ♪

♪ The size of a tank. ♪

She can't exercise
because of fibromyalgia.

Hey, stay on the beat!

Ow, ow...

I don't believe this.

I know.

You'd think a
Marilyn Manson fan

would have
more class.

No, I mean that it
was Bitzleberger.

He bullied me, too.

The shirt's fine.

You look like a Backyard Boy.

It's a girl's shirt.

You have poor parents
and narrow shoulders.

My hand-me-downs
are all that fit you.

Burt, quit messing
with their grass.

This is impressive fescue.

Leave it alone.

Relax.

Nobody's going to know
it's a girl's shirt.

...ow, ow, ow,

ow, ow,

ow, ow, ow, ow...

Hey.

That's a girl's shirt.

Um, no, it's not.

It's...
It's a girl's shirt.

The buttons are on
the other side.

All that's missing
are some boobs.

Make some boobs.

I-I really don't want to...

Make some boobs.

Check it out.

This kid's got boobs.

Stop it.

Oh, is that what you want?
You want me to stop?

Yes!

Dad, can you make Tommy
Bitzleberger stop picking on me?

Can't fight your
battles for you, son.

Come on, Burt.

He tore what used to be
my favorite blouse.

Jimmy, just hit him once.
Trust me.

And he'll stop
beating me up?

Oh, no, he'll still beat you up.

But he'll move on
to weaker prey.

It's the law
of the jungle.

What are you laughing at?

"Law of the jungle."

I just keep seeing
a monkey judge

with a banana gavel.

That's great.

Why doesn't somebody
put that on TV?

Whoo!

I never stood up to him,
but luckily,

he got sick of picking on me
and eventually left me alone.

I was not so lucky.

He tortured me
every day in high school.

And once every six months
after high school.

We used to have
the same dentist.

Oh.

Do you think we
can take some pictures

of my doll beating up
Bitzleberger's doll?

Dude, he's your doll.

I think it's kind of weird
you're asking my permission.

You don't want to show
that kind of weakness

in front of the alien.

Hey. Be careful.

She had a big breakfast.

I can tell.

I'm kicking myself
for not doing this

with Jimmy when he was a baby.

The bigger she gets,

the stronger I'll be.

The bigger she gets,
the weirder it'll be.

Hey.

Guys, is Jimmy here?

No. Nobody knows
where he is,

'cause he's a very dangerous,
very edgy guy.

Come on in, hon.
I'm actually kind of worried about him.

Yeah, me, too.

He was supposed to come
over for breakfast.

He was gonna tell me
about Frank's party.

I'm very curious to know
if Frank's uncle

is just Frank
wearing a mustache.

You don't think this Frank guy

could've done something crazy
to him, do you?

I'm surprised every day
when Frank doesn't

do something crazy to all of us.

Look, if you guys
are worried about him,

I'm happy to go get him.

But he's a very tough,
sexy, very virile young guy.

Oh, Jimmy, you were so brave
to fight that alien.

Let me tenderly tend your wounds

and occasionally
make out with you.

Hey, Frank.

You seen Jimmy?

No.

I haven't seen Jimmy.

Jimmy who?

Jimmy, my son.

He went out with
you last night.

Nope.

What's with the tarp

and the shallow grave
you're digging there?

I may be putting in a pool.

Or digging to China.

What business is it of yours?

I think you're the one
who's shallow.

Cards on the table, Frank.

Did you kill my boy?

No!

You can't go in there!

What about your boyfriend?

Oh, the aliens
turned him into foam

and made a mattress out of him.

Let's lie down on him
and start kissing.

Whoa... oh...!

Playing with dolls?

I send you out
to become more of a man

and you're playing with dolls?

Please tell me
you're high on drugs.

No.

You can kill him now.

And then Frank jumped
on the alien's back

and totally saved
the whole store.

Cool, right?

Okay, Jimmy, playing dolls
with your daughter is sensitive,

but playing dolls with Frank
is freakin' weird.

Uh, yeah.
Especially because there's a doll

that looks just like me that has
ridiculously huge boobs.

Yeah, apparently Frank's doll
bought those for you.

Not comforting.

You guys just don't understand
what Frank and I do

because you weren't picked on
by Tommy Bitzleberger.

The bully from the bus
when you were 12?

I knew it.

I knew if you didn't stand up to
him, it would haunt you forever.

He needed to make it stop
on his own.

That's why I told you
not to get involved.

Burt, not in front
of the boy.

Get involved?

I thought he was
just sick of me.

Or maybe when I started bringing
that light saber to school,

it sort of scared him off.

Yeah, I bet it was
that light stick thing.

You were very nimble
with that.

Who wants pie?

Virginia, just tell him.

Kid's playing with dolls.

What's there left to save?

Fine.

After a few months,
it was clear

that you weren't going to
take care of things yourself.

Your father
wasn't any help.

And I was running out
of blouses that fit you.

So, I took care
of things myself.

Listen to me,
you little foot wart.

You like to make fun of kids
who wear girls' shirts?

For your information,
it's the newest thing.

It's called "metero-sexual."

But you wouldn't know that since
you don't read Parade magazine.

Maybe you should
wear some lipstick,

since you think boys
who look like girls

are so hilarious.

Huh?

Go!

And walk like
you're wearing high heels!

And he never bothered you again.

Why didn't you just tell me?

I figured,
what's the harm?

I really didn't see this creepy
playing with dolls thing coming.

Well, there's only
one thing to do.

You got to fight this guy.

What?

That's crazy.

No, your father's right.
You need to finally

stand up for
yourself.

Fight! Fight!
Fight! Fight!

But he was huge.

What if he kept growing?

I grew two feet
since then.

He was already
six-foot-three.

He'd be eight-foot-three.

There's two of you now.

You and Frank can take this guy.

Together, the two of you
are, like, 12-foot-16.

Jimmy, you have to do this.

You have to vanquish your beast.

Like Beowulf.

Moby Dick.

Revenge of the Nerds?

Oh.

It'll be dangerous,

but you can be dangerous, son.

Right?

Yeah, I can be dangerous.

Okay, all right, yeah.

I'll do it.

This is awesome.

And don't forget,

you got Frank the deli ninja.

I mean, you've seen how good
he is with sausage nunchuks.

You're ready.

Let's do this.

♪ Thunder ♪

♪ Thunder ♪

♪ Thunder ♪

♪ Thunder ♪

♪ Thunder ♪

♪ I was caught in the middle
of a railroad track ♪

♪ Thunder ♪

♪ I looked round, and I knew
there was no turning back ♪

♪ Tore me apart ♪

♪ You've been thunderstruck ♪

♪ Rode down the highway,
broke the limit ♪

♪ We hit the town ♪

♪ Went through to Texas,
yeah, Texas ♪

♪ And we had some fun ♪

♪ We met some girls ♪

♪ Some dancers
who gave a good time ♪

♪ Broke all the rules,
played all the fools ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, they, they ♪

♪ They blew our minds ♪

♪ And I was shaking
at the knees ♪

♪ Could I come again please ♪

♪ Yeah, the ladies
were too kind ♪

♪ You've been... ♪

Uh, oh.

Uh, we're looking for
Tommy Bitzleberger.

Is... is he home?

Well, yes, sort of.

I'm Tommy Bitzleberger.

Although it's
Tammy Bitzleberger now.

And after a lot
of reflection, I realized

the reason I was
beating you guys up was because

something was missing
a vagina.

Now I sort of have one.

I tried to be the tough guy,

but inside was
a pretty little girl

afraid to come out.

I was never happy as Tommy.

I guess that's why
I was so angry all the time.

I'm really sorry, guys.

That's okay.

Here we've been blaming you
for what happened,

but I guess those years
were hard on all of us.

I think we got
what we came for.

Thanks for
the lemon...

♪ Thunderstruck ♪
What are you doing?!

Your dad was right.

That felt awesome.

I never felt so...

You think you can
come onto my porch

and drink my lemonade?!

I didn't drink any...

lemonade!

Jimmy, help!

Leave him alone!

Stop it!

You want me
to stop? Huh?

Is that what
you want? Huh?

You want me to stop?

Is that what
you want? Huh?

Stop it!

♪ Thunderstruck ♪

♪ Thunderstruck ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah,
thunderstruck ♪

Aerial assault!

♪ Thunderstruck... ♪

Hey...

♪ You've been thunderstruck! ♪

Uncle! Uncle!

Say aunt! Say aunt!

- Aunt! Aunt!
- Aunt! Aunt!

I knew
I should've gone with you.

I never would've let
that fella hurt my baby.

He was unstoppable, Mom.

He was a large, large
unstoppable man.

Very manly.

Penis and everything.

He used it as a weapon.

I don't remember that part.

In fact, I don't
think that happened.

Pretty sure of it.

But he was a big man.

You're gonna need ice on this.

Why didn't you guys just run

as soon as he opened the door?

I mean, six-ten, 290 pounds
and he had a dart gun?

He shot me full of
tranquilizer darts.

That explains any
inconsistencies in my story.

Congratulations, Jimmy.

You did it.

You start doing
the Hope workout with me,

you'll be able
to kick anybody's ass.

Although she's heavy.

There's a preemie at day care

you might want
to start off with.

Thanks, Dad, but I didn't
get revenge on my bully.

Sabrina's got to
think I'm an idiot.

It doesn't matter
if you got your ass kicked.

You fought. You got
the monkey off your back.

And I wouldn't worry
about Sabrina.

Everybody knows
girls love black eyes.

True.

But how does that
help us, Dad?

We're white guys.

No, I said black eyes.

- Ah.
- Oh.

Well, I've got
one of those.

Looks pretty cool, actually.

Can you close the other eye
and give me a little Rocky?

Adrian!

Dad was right.

It was a great day.

I impressed my girl
just like I imagined.

I stood up to my bully.

And the most surprising thing,
I made a new friend.

Even though we didn't
need to play out

our revenge fantasy anymore,

that didn't mean we couldn't
hang out now and then

and have some fun.