Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 11 - Mrs. Smartypants - full transcript
Based on a bocks assembly toy, Jimmy and parents proudly presume Hope inherited his serial ma's IQ. Fearing to look stupid even to Sabrina as his baby daughter outsmarts him, Jimmy decides to return to high-school. Refusing to be left as the dumb family's dumbest, his parents follow suit. Old teacher Mr. Swift remembers all three once abusive, unmotivated dropouts and enjoys humiliating them in class. Tutoring by Sabrina, Frank and maw-maw helps Jimmy, Burt and Victoria, but only enough to pass in a few courses each. To avoid triple utter failure, they decide to cheat so at least Jimmy gets his G.E.D.
Hey.
All right.
Who put the shapes
in the sorter for Hope?
She's never going to learn
if we keep doing it for her.
I didn't do it.
I've just been playing with this
slinky for the past two hours.
Oh, my God, she's
doing it on her own.
She can do the shape-sorter.
Good job, sweetie.
That's better than good.
That is amazing.
I mean, you were still
struggling with that toy
when you were four.
Virginia!
He's getting frustrated again.
Bring the sugar!
Stupid star!
You never really did have a
knack for the shape-sorter.
We finally just
took that toy away
and gave you
a bucket of checkers.
We said if you could just pick
out one at a time, you win!
Oh, yeah.
I remember that.
Ooh, I was awesome
at Checker-Bucket.
How the hell do you
open this thing?
Ah, you're such a good mom.
♪ Whoo!
♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh! ♪
Ohh... cute.
What is she,
about two?
Just about.
She play with
the shape-sorter yet?
Not yet.
She gets frustrated.
My daughter's a whiz at it.
Have you tried making
a Checker-Bucket?
It's where you put
the checkers in,
and let them take it
out one at at a time.
It's good for the slower kids.
That's what my
parents did for me.
Oh, they must be very proud.
Are you able to live
on your own, sweetheart?
Not yet.
Well, someday.
Still annoying customers by
bragging about your genius baby?
I'm not gonna argue with you.
It's good you're proud of her,
and not threatened
by her like my dad was.
Every time I'd answer more
Jeopardy questions than him,
he'd accuse me of
sleeping with Alex Trebek.
It's a tough thing
for a 12-year-old.
Well, I'm not threatened.
Besides, it's not like
she's smarter than me.
- She's a baby.
- Well, not yet.
But if she's not even two and
she's smarter than you were
at four, then it's
only a matter of time
before she's smarter than you.
Do the math.
I can't do the math.
I can't do the math!
Okay. I was four and she's two.
So, when she's four,
I'll be eight.
No, wait a second.
That's not right.
Sucks, man. I'm glad we
never had to worry about
a kid being smarter than us.
- Hey!
- No offense.
But we always knew
you'd be dumb.
'Cause we're both dumb.
And that's how it works.
Your problem is,
you made a baby with someone
much smarter than you.
You really think Lucy was
that much smarter than me?
She was a college graduate who
avoided the police for years
while she went on a murder
spree. You're a high school
dropout who's been arrested
five times for peeing in public.
So, yeah, I'd say she's
much smarter than you.
Look, Jimmy, it's like
the birds and the bees.
Two birds have a baby,
they have a bird.
Two bees have a baby,
they have a bee.
You're like a bee that
had a baby with a bird.
Now the bird's gone.
And now you're a bee
trying to raise a bird-bee.
Makes sense.
So how's a bee supposed to
be able to raise a bird-bee?
I'm not smart
enough for that.
And I don't know if I'm going to
find another bird to marry.
She's going to have questions.
She's going to think I'm stupid.
This doesn't solve everything.
It is good, though.
What do they put in it
to make it taste so sweet?
Hello.
Welcome to High School
Equivalency Class.
"I don't know"
is not an answer, Mr. Chance.
It's Drakkar Noir.
I hate this class.
I want to live in
a classless society.
Okay, you're mixing up
two different uses
of the word "class."
Man, why do you always have to
correct everything when I talk?
It's "when I speak,"
and it's my job.
Well, correct this.
I quit.
I don't need high school.
I'm gonna be a famous artist
like Picasso or Ed Hardy
or Vincent van...
- uh, van...
- Gogh.
I'm going! God.
Come on, Venom,
we're out of here.
Dude, did you not read
the restraining order?
Stop talking to me,
and change your clothes.
You're embarrassing
an entire movement.
Cool.
I'll see you at the mall.
Please don't recognize me,
please don't recognize me...
Rebecca Asher?
Drakkar Noir?
Present.
Great. And I trust you remember
Venom, Queen of the Night?
Now known as Venom,
queen of the night shift
at the Burger Barn.
Don't get any ideas.
I still have the
restraining order.
Now we're gonna do
a little math problem.
If Jimmy Chance dropped
out of high school
in 2005 and comes back in 2012
to get his G.E.D. diploma,
how many years of his life
has Jimmy Chance wasted?
Yes, Jimmy Chance?
- Seven?
- Wrong.
You won't know how many years
of your life you wasted
until your miserable
life is over.
Now, going into geography.
If Jimmy Chance should
die in a gutter,
drowning in a puddle
of his own sick,
in the city of Santiago,
what country would he be in?
Anyone?
Yes, Jimmy Chance?
I don't know the answer.
I was just wondering if
you could stop using me
as an example in
all of your questions?
No. The correct answer
is "Chile."
All right. Don't forget to read
the first three chapters
in your Earth Science book.
That would be chapters
one, two, and three.
I'll see you all next week,
except for Jimmy Chance, who
I'm sure will quit by then.
Hey, how's
the studying going?
Oh, not too good.
I'm thinking about asking
Sabrina to help tutor me.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that.
Jimmy, girls like guys
who are dumb
and handsome,
not really dumb
and pleasant-looking.
And we have worked way
too hard to keep Sabrina
from finding out
how stupid you are.
If she's helping you study,
there's no way we're going to
be able to bail you out.
You guys don't
bail me out that much.
We bailed you out last week.
Hey, Jimmy.
Barney told me to tell you
we're going to need capers.
Sure. Capers.
Coming right up.
Yeah.
Burt, we got a word!
Damn it!
What's the word?
Capers.
"C" or a "K"?
Try "K," no... "C."
It seems like a sneaky word.
Where'd everything
on that shelf go?
I don't know.
Looks like there was a caper.
Hello?
It's a food.
It's a food!
We found another definition.
Why are there two
definitions for one word?
Just make up new words!
"Mapers"... "flapers"...
it's so easy to fix!
"Fronge," there's another word!
Look at that.
Uh, here are the pickled
buds of the Mediterranean
Capparis spinosa bush
you asked for.
Oh, thank you.
I hope I didn't confuse you
before with my joke.
I thought for a second
you were going crazy.
No, I just love a good wordplay.
You're a regular James Joyce.
Hello?
Burt! James Joyce!
Damn it!
Okay, you guys
bail me out a lot.
But the G.E.D. exam is about
normal stuff like math.
And I know enough
about that stuff
to not embarrass myself
in front of Sabrina.
Go ahead,
ask me a basic math question.
Okay, okay...
Okay...
Oh, my God.
We're too stupid to even
think of a question.
Maw Maw, come here and
ask Jimmy a math question.
If the radius of a circle
is six, what is the area?
A math question, Maw Maw.
That is math.
The formula is
"pi r squared."
Is she even lucid right now?
Square pies...
I think there are
squares in math.
But pies are round.
Cobbler's square.
Lemon squares are square.
Brownies are those
long, thin squares.
Well, I could use
something sweet, right now.
Anybody else hungry?
I could eat.
Burt, get out here.
There's a dog on TV
that can bark dirty words.
What's that?
Ah... pillows.
Under the pillows.
Uh...
It's a little machine
that makes a fart noise.
I was going to play
a little trick on you later.
Make it make the noise.
Batteries must be dead
on this thing.
What are you hiding under there?
That's one of
Jimmy's smart books.
What is your game, mister?
I don't want Jimmy
to get smarter than me.
Well, if you get smart,
then I'll be the dumbest one.
And I'm not going from the "Moe"
to the "Curly" in this trio.
Just put down the book
and go watch TV.
And nothing smart.
No PBS and no NBC sitcoms.
Hey. You guys aren't
gonna believe this.
There is a "pi" in math.
It's a squiggly line held up
by two little sticks.
What are you doing
with my Science book?
I don't want Hope to think I'm
the dumbest one in the house.
Fine. We'll both
get our G.E.D. diplomas,
and Mom can be the dumb one.
Is that okay with you, Mom?
Hell no, it's not okay
with me.
You guys get your G.E.D.'s,
it'll be like the
three blind mice,
only two of them got their eyes
fixed with that latex surgery
and I'll be the only one
bumping into things.
I want to get
my G.E.D., too.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
If you're all educated,
I go back to being the dumbest
one in the house again.
That's always gonna
be the case, Jimmy.
Just like how the sky
will always be blue
because of the angle at which
the solar illumination
travels through the atmosphere.
Give me that damn book!
Good evening.
Mr. Swift
teaches this class?
Do you think
he'll remember us?
Ladies and Virginia,
could you take
your seats, please?
You're just jealous
because people find my belly
more interesting
than your stupid
quadradical equations.
I'm making a human bean!
What are you doing?
I'm just trying to prepare
people for the future.
Unlike you and your idiot
boyfriend here,
some of these people
still have a future.
Oh, we have a future.
I'm gonna be a stay-at-home mom,
and Burt is gonna
be a stay-at-home rock star.
And the last thing we're gonna
need is your stupid math!
Smell you later, chump.
So, tonight we will be covering
a wide range of...
Oh, I don't believe my eyes.
If it isn't the foul-mouthed,
pregnant girl and the boy
who thought it was hilarious
to draw genitalia
in my textbooks.
We've changed a lot since then.
How you doing?
If "X" equals "Y,"
then these two lines are...?
Burt?
Red.
True, but I was looking
for "parallel."
This is a "right triangle."
What kind of triangle is this?
Wrong triangle.
Idiot.
Left triangle!
Can anyone tell me what
happened in the Bay of Pigs?
There were no actual pigs
involved.
It was becoming clear to us
that if we were gonna get
our G.E.D.'s, we were going to
have to get some extra help
outside of class.
So I decided to ask Sabrina
for help,
which meant confessing to her
how stupid I really am.
Listen, don't beat yourself up
just because as far as
traditional education goes,
you might not exactly be ahead
of the curve.
I think it's "curb."
"Ahead of the curb,"
because when you park, you
don't want to hit the curb.
You want to stay ahead of it.
When's this test?
Next Tuesday.
We should start.
Dad went looking for Barney
to help him
but didn't know it was
his day off,
and caught Frank pretending
to be the boss
and interviewing for a large-
breasted personal assistant.
In exchange for Dad not telling
Barney or reporting him
to the authorities,
Frank agreed to help Dad study.
And Mom thought that if she
could catch Maw Maw
when she was lucid,
she'd be the perfect tutor.
For the first time in our
lives, we were all eager
to learn.
So which one's heavier?
- Sand.
- Why?
Because the sand has a higher
density than grass.
Great. Now volume.
Because sand has a higher
density than grass!
"Do you bite your thumb
at us, sir?"
"I do bite my thumb, sir."
Oh, this is boring!
Boring?
They're about to stab
each other's lungs
out with swords.
Does your copy have pictures?
'Cause mine just has
a lot of words.
No, the pictures are in my head.
Oh... I just keep picturing
the words floating around.
Ah, there goes "thumb."
Well, don't do that.
That's really stupid.
Just picture the
guys fighting.
Make a movie in your mind.
"Draw, if you be men."
Yeah!
I see 'em!
I see the guys!
They're wearing tights!
One of 'em's got a hat
with a purple feather in it.
The other one looks like that
detective from Roger Rabbit.
- Bob Hoskins.
- Yeah, yeah!
Keep reading.
"Gregory, remember
thy swashing blow."
Ooh! The Bob Hoskins guy
just took a swing
at the guy in the hat.
Oh, it is on now!
Oh, there goes the word
"thumb" again.
Get out of here, thumb!
♪ The British ran like sissies
♪ When we threw away their tea
and won the... ♪
♪ Revolutionary War in 1783
♪ It would've ended sooner
if Nixon dropped the bomb ♪
♪ But it wasn't until 1973
that we got out of Vietnam. ♪
Eventually all the stuff
they were trying to teach us
kind of became fun,
which I guess is why it started
to stick in our heads.
So the centrifugal force
is the one pushing you out,
and the centripetal force
is the one pushing you in.
I'm sorry it took me so long,
but I think I get it.
"I am hurt.
"A plague o' both
your houses!
I am spent."
See, by "houses," Shakespeare
doesn't mean "buildings."
He means the
two families.
They hate each other.
I don't know if
you ever saw
the soap opera
Santa Barbara,
but it's pretty
much the same.
Excuse me.
Are one of you Frank Howdy?
I'm here to apply
for the wiener-sampling job.
Just wait in my office.
I'll be right with you.
♪ That evil Saddam Hussein was
a thorn in Dubya's paw ♪
♪ So we ran him out of Baghdad
♪ In a night of shock and awe
♪ And that was every war
in American history ♪
♪ Now I can't wait to see
who we fight ♪
♪ When it comes
to World War Three. ♪
So we decided to put all our
hardwork to a practice test.
It didn't matter
who scored highest,
but we were all going
to laugh like hell
at whoever scored lowest.
Well, one of you passed.
In your face!
It wasn't you.
Jimmy's dad,
you let me down.
Not only as a tutor,
but as a best friend.
Well, it's down
to you and me now.
Virginia, you failed, too.
Virginia, you're grounded.
You've lost your cassette-player
privileges.
Yes!
I'm the smartest.
Not quite.
You failed, too.
Hope was actually
the only one that passed.
We graded the little
answer sheet she was
doodling on just for fun.
That kid's really starting
to get on my nerves.
It's useless. I'll never
be smarter than Hope.
I can't believe
we all studied, and we still
got beat by a baby who filled in
the dots randomly.
What if it
wasn't random?
What if she's some kind
of super genius?
Hope, what is 3.14?
Oh, my God, she knew
the number for pi.
Or she's pointing out
that we haven't fed her
in seven hours while
we were all busy failing
this stupid practice test.
Either way, we're idiots.
I got a 90
in math.
That's out of 800, Mom.
That's a terrible score.
Oh. That makes me feel less good
about my 70 in English.
Well, you beat me.
I tanked everything
except math and science.
I got a 500 in English.
I did pretty good.
I mean "pretty well."
Ugh! That's probably
another ten points right there.
Yeah, my science
and history was a disaster.
A disaster like
the great Chicago Fire?
Or Chamberlain giving up
Poland to Hitler?
That's my fancy way of saying
I did good in history.
Wait a second.
Oh, I think we're covered.
Dad, you remember that TV
show you made me watch
about the tough guy
with the silver hair?
Maude?
No, it had people in a van,
lot of running around...
-Action News?
-Scooby-Doo?
No, no, it had that
theme song that went...
♪ Drummy-drum-drum!
Then... ♪ Da-da-dah.
The A-Team.
Yeah!
On the A-Team
each guy would have a different
job on the caper.
- Caper!
- Caper!
Anyway, we could all be like
Hope's learning A-Team.
I'll teach history;
you teach math.
- I call demolitions expert.
- Yes!
You're teaching English.
Oh.
You all right?
I guess.
I mean... I'm happy
we're gonna make this
work out for Hope,
but I hate giving Mr. Swift
the satisfaction of knowing
he was right about me
quitting again.
Or...
we can get the A-Team on it.
Yeah, Jimmy, it sounds like you
have a problem
no one else can solve.
We knew that none
of us were capable
of passing that test on our own.
We just needed to figure out
how I could pass it.
The first section is math
and science,
which will be very important
in your careers,
whether it's making change
or making meth.
Mr. Swift thought nobody
could figure out a way
to cheat on his test.
But he didn't realize that
he was up against the A-Team
of cheating.
This section is English.
Since each of us was good
at one subject,
if we just put the same name
on the right answer sheet
at the right time...
The next part is social studies.
...one person was gonna be good
at all of them.
Well, it kills me to say it,
but I was wrong.
You scored 90%.
Congratulations.
You've earned your
G.E.D. diploma.
Which is amazing to me because
you're the child of two morons
who just posted the lowest score
in the history of the G.E.D.
Well, what can I say?
Some of us are good
at taking tests,
some of us are good
at raising smart children.
We can't all be good
at everything.
Smell you later, chump.
At first I was worried
that Hope was gonna think
I was a complete dummy.
But actually,
I'm just part dummy
like the rest of my family.
But altogether,
we make a smarty,
just like Hope.
I love it when
a plan comes together.
All right.
Who put the shapes
in the sorter for Hope?
She's never going to learn
if we keep doing it for her.
I didn't do it.
I've just been playing with this
slinky for the past two hours.
Oh, my God, she's
doing it on her own.
She can do the shape-sorter.
Good job, sweetie.
That's better than good.
That is amazing.
I mean, you were still
struggling with that toy
when you were four.
Virginia!
He's getting frustrated again.
Bring the sugar!
Stupid star!
You never really did have a
knack for the shape-sorter.
We finally just
took that toy away
and gave you
a bucket of checkers.
We said if you could just pick
out one at a time, you win!
Oh, yeah.
I remember that.
Ooh, I was awesome
at Checker-Bucket.
How the hell do you
open this thing?
Ah, you're such a good mom.
♪ Whoo!
♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh! ♪
Ohh... cute.
What is she,
about two?
Just about.
She play with
the shape-sorter yet?
Not yet.
She gets frustrated.
My daughter's a whiz at it.
Have you tried making
a Checker-Bucket?
It's where you put
the checkers in,
and let them take it
out one at at a time.
It's good for the slower kids.
That's what my
parents did for me.
Oh, they must be very proud.
Are you able to live
on your own, sweetheart?
Not yet.
Well, someday.
Still annoying customers by
bragging about your genius baby?
I'm not gonna argue with you.
It's good you're proud of her,
and not threatened
by her like my dad was.
Every time I'd answer more
Jeopardy questions than him,
he'd accuse me of
sleeping with Alex Trebek.
It's a tough thing
for a 12-year-old.
Well, I'm not threatened.
Besides, it's not like
she's smarter than me.
- She's a baby.
- Well, not yet.
But if she's not even two and
she's smarter than you were
at four, then it's
only a matter of time
before she's smarter than you.
Do the math.
I can't do the math.
I can't do the math!
Okay. I was four and she's two.
So, when she's four,
I'll be eight.
No, wait a second.
That's not right.
Sucks, man. I'm glad we
never had to worry about
a kid being smarter than us.
- Hey!
- No offense.
But we always knew
you'd be dumb.
'Cause we're both dumb.
And that's how it works.
Your problem is,
you made a baby with someone
much smarter than you.
You really think Lucy was
that much smarter than me?
She was a college graduate who
avoided the police for years
while she went on a murder
spree. You're a high school
dropout who's been arrested
five times for peeing in public.
So, yeah, I'd say she's
much smarter than you.
Look, Jimmy, it's like
the birds and the bees.
Two birds have a baby,
they have a bird.
Two bees have a baby,
they have a bee.
You're like a bee that
had a baby with a bird.
Now the bird's gone.
And now you're a bee
trying to raise a bird-bee.
Makes sense.
So how's a bee supposed to
be able to raise a bird-bee?
I'm not smart
enough for that.
And I don't know if I'm going to
find another bird to marry.
She's going to have questions.
She's going to think I'm stupid.
This doesn't solve everything.
It is good, though.
What do they put in it
to make it taste so sweet?
Hello.
Welcome to High School
Equivalency Class.
"I don't know"
is not an answer, Mr. Chance.
It's Drakkar Noir.
I hate this class.
I want to live in
a classless society.
Okay, you're mixing up
two different uses
of the word "class."
Man, why do you always have to
correct everything when I talk?
It's "when I speak,"
and it's my job.
Well, correct this.
I quit.
I don't need high school.
I'm gonna be a famous artist
like Picasso or Ed Hardy
or Vincent van...
- uh, van...
- Gogh.
I'm going! God.
Come on, Venom,
we're out of here.
Dude, did you not read
the restraining order?
Stop talking to me,
and change your clothes.
You're embarrassing
an entire movement.
Cool.
I'll see you at the mall.
Please don't recognize me,
please don't recognize me...
Rebecca Asher?
Drakkar Noir?
Present.
Great. And I trust you remember
Venom, Queen of the Night?
Now known as Venom,
queen of the night shift
at the Burger Barn.
Don't get any ideas.
I still have the
restraining order.
Now we're gonna do
a little math problem.
If Jimmy Chance dropped
out of high school
in 2005 and comes back in 2012
to get his G.E.D. diploma,
how many years of his life
has Jimmy Chance wasted?
Yes, Jimmy Chance?
- Seven?
- Wrong.
You won't know how many years
of your life you wasted
until your miserable
life is over.
Now, going into geography.
If Jimmy Chance should
die in a gutter,
drowning in a puddle
of his own sick,
in the city of Santiago,
what country would he be in?
Anyone?
Yes, Jimmy Chance?
I don't know the answer.
I was just wondering if
you could stop using me
as an example in
all of your questions?
No. The correct answer
is "Chile."
All right. Don't forget to read
the first three chapters
in your Earth Science book.
That would be chapters
one, two, and three.
I'll see you all next week,
except for Jimmy Chance, who
I'm sure will quit by then.
Hey, how's
the studying going?
Oh, not too good.
I'm thinking about asking
Sabrina to help tutor me.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
You can't do that.
Jimmy, girls like guys
who are dumb
and handsome,
not really dumb
and pleasant-looking.
And we have worked way
too hard to keep Sabrina
from finding out
how stupid you are.
If she's helping you study,
there's no way we're going to
be able to bail you out.
You guys don't
bail me out that much.
We bailed you out last week.
Hey, Jimmy.
Barney told me to tell you
we're going to need capers.
Sure. Capers.
Coming right up.
Yeah.
Burt, we got a word!
Damn it!
What's the word?
Capers.
"C" or a "K"?
Try "K," no... "C."
It seems like a sneaky word.
Where'd everything
on that shelf go?
I don't know.
Looks like there was a caper.
Hello?
It's a food.
It's a food!
We found another definition.
Why are there two
definitions for one word?
Just make up new words!
"Mapers"... "flapers"...
it's so easy to fix!
"Fronge," there's another word!
Look at that.
Uh, here are the pickled
buds of the Mediterranean
Capparis spinosa bush
you asked for.
Oh, thank you.
I hope I didn't confuse you
before with my joke.
I thought for a second
you were going crazy.
No, I just love a good wordplay.
You're a regular James Joyce.
Hello?
Burt! James Joyce!
Damn it!
Okay, you guys
bail me out a lot.
But the G.E.D. exam is about
normal stuff like math.
And I know enough
about that stuff
to not embarrass myself
in front of Sabrina.
Go ahead,
ask me a basic math question.
Okay, okay...
Okay...
Oh, my God.
We're too stupid to even
think of a question.
Maw Maw, come here and
ask Jimmy a math question.
If the radius of a circle
is six, what is the area?
A math question, Maw Maw.
That is math.
The formula is
"pi r squared."
Is she even lucid right now?
Square pies...
I think there are
squares in math.
But pies are round.
Cobbler's square.
Lemon squares are square.
Brownies are those
long, thin squares.
Well, I could use
something sweet, right now.
Anybody else hungry?
I could eat.
Burt, get out here.
There's a dog on TV
that can bark dirty words.
What's that?
Ah... pillows.
Under the pillows.
Uh...
It's a little machine
that makes a fart noise.
I was going to play
a little trick on you later.
Make it make the noise.
Batteries must be dead
on this thing.
What are you hiding under there?
That's one of
Jimmy's smart books.
What is your game, mister?
I don't want Jimmy
to get smarter than me.
Well, if you get smart,
then I'll be the dumbest one.
And I'm not going from the "Moe"
to the "Curly" in this trio.
Just put down the book
and go watch TV.
And nothing smart.
No PBS and no NBC sitcoms.
Hey. You guys aren't
gonna believe this.
There is a "pi" in math.
It's a squiggly line held up
by two little sticks.
What are you doing
with my Science book?
I don't want Hope to think I'm
the dumbest one in the house.
Fine. We'll both
get our G.E.D. diplomas,
and Mom can be the dumb one.
Is that okay with you, Mom?
Hell no, it's not okay
with me.
You guys get your G.E.D.'s,
it'll be like the
three blind mice,
only two of them got their eyes
fixed with that latex surgery
and I'll be the only one
bumping into things.
I want to get
my G.E.D., too.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
If you're all educated,
I go back to being the dumbest
one in the house again.
That's always gonna
be the case, Jimmy.
Just like how the sky
will always be blue
because of the angle at which
the solar illumination
travels through the atmosphere.
Give me that damn book!
Good evening.
Mr. Swift
teaches this class?
Do you think
he'll remember us?
Ladies and Virginia,
could you take
your seats, please?
You're just jealous
because people find my belly
more interesting
than your stupid
quadradical equations.
I'm making a human bean!
What are you doing?
I'm just trying to prepare
people for the future.
Unlike you and your idiot
boyfriend here,
some of these people
still have a future.
Oh, we have a future.
I'm gonna be a stay-at-home mom,
and Burt is gonna
be a stay-at-home rock star.
And the last thing we're gonna
need is your stupid math!
Smell you later, chump.
So, tonight we will be covering
a wide range of...
Oh, I don't believe my eyes.
If it isn't the foul-mouthed,
pregnant girl and the boy
who thought it was hilarious
to draw genitalia
in my textbooks.
We've changed a lot since then.
How you doing?
If "X" equals "Y,"
then these two lines are...?
Burt?
Red.
True, but I was looking
for "parallel."
This is a "right triangle."
What kind of triangle is this?
Wrong triangle.
Idiot.
Left triangle!
Can anyone tell me what
happened in the Bay of Pigs?
There were no actual pigs
involved.
It was becoming clear to us
that if we were gonna get
our G.E.D.'s, we were going to
have to get some extra help
outside of class.
So I decided to ask Sabrina
for help,
which meant confessing to her
how stupid I really am.
Listen, don't beat yourself up
just because as far as
traditional education goes,
you might not exactly be ahead
of the curve.
I think it's "curb."
"Ahead of the curb,"
because when you park, you
don't want to hit the curb.
You want to stay ahead of it.
When's this test?
Next Tuesday.
We should start.
Dad went looking for Barney
to help him
but didn't know it was
his day off,
and caught Frank pretending
to be the boss
and interviewing for a large-
breasted personal assistant.
In exchange for Dad not telling
Barney or reporting him
to the authorities,
Frank agreed to help Dad study.
And Mom thought that if she
could catch Maw Maw
when she was lucid,
she'd be the perfect tutor.
For the first time in our
lives, we were all eager
to learn.
So which one's heavier?
- Sand.
- Why?
Because the sand has a higher
density than grass.
Great. Now volume.
Because sand has a higher
density than grass!
"Do you bite your thumb
at us, sir?"
"I do bite my thumb, sir."
Oh, this is boring!
Boring?
They're about to stab
each other's lungs
out with swords.
Does your copy have pictures?
'Cause mine just has
a lot of words.
No, the pictures are in my head.
Oh... I just keep picturing
the words floating around.
Ah, there goes "thumb."
Well, don't do that.
That's really stupid.
Just picture the
guys fighting.
Make a movie in your mind.
"Draw, if you be men."
Yeah!
I see 'em!
I see the guys!
They're wearing tights!
One of 'em's got a hat
with a purple feather in it.
The other one looks like that
detective from Roger Rabbit.
- Bob Hoskins.
- Yeah, yeah!
Keep reading.
"Gregory, remember
thy swashing blow."
Ooh! The Bob Hoskins guy
just took a swing
at the guy in the hat.
Oh, it is on now!
Oh, there goes the word
"thumb" again.
Get out of here, thumb!
♪ The British ran like sissies
♪ When we threw away their tea
and won the... ♪
♪ Revolutionary War in 1783
♪ It would've ended sooner
if Nixon dropped the bomb ♪
♪ But it wasn't until 1973
that we got out of Vietnam. ♪
Eventually all the stuff
they were trying to teach us
kind of became fun,
which I guess is why it started
to stick in our heads.
So the centrifugal force
is the one pushing you out,
and the centripetal force
is the one pushing you in.
I'm sorry it took me so long,
but I think I get it.
"I am hurt.
"A plague o' both
your houses!
I am spent."
See, by "houses," Shakespeare
doesn't mean "buildings."
He means the
two families.
They hate each other.
I don't know if
you ever saw
the soap opera
Santa Barbara,
but it's pretty
much the same.
Excuse me.
Are one of you Frank Howdy?
I'm here to apply
for the wiener-sampling job.
Just wait in my office.
I'll be right with you.
♪ That evil Saddam Hussein was
a thorn in Dubya's paw ♪
♪ So we ran him out of Baghdad
♪ In a night of shock and awe
♪ And that was every war
in American history ♪
♪ Now I can't wait to see
who we fight ♪
♪ When it comes
to World War Three. ♪
So we decided to put all our
hardwork to a practice test.
It didn't matter
who scored highest,
but we were all going
to laugh like hell
at whoever scored lowest.
Well, one of you passed.
In your face!
It wasn't you.
Jimmy's dad,
you let me down.
Not only as a tutor,
but as a best friend.
Well, it's down
to you and me now.
Virginia, you failed, too.
Virginia, you're grounded.
You've lost your cassette-player
privileges.
Yes!
I'm the smartest.
Not quite.
You failed, too.
Hope was actually
the only one that passed.
We graded the little
answer sheet she was
doodling on just for fun.
That kid's really starting
to get on my nerves.
It's useless. I'll never
be smarter than Hope.
I can't believe
we all studied, and we still
got beat by a baby who filled in
the dots randomly.
What if it
wasn't random?
What if she's some kind
of super genius?
Hope, what is 3.14?
Oh, my God, she knew
the number for pi.
Or she's pointing out
that we haven't fed her
in seven hours while
we were all busy failing
this stupid practice test.
Either way, we're idiots.
I got a 90
in math.
That's out of 800, Mom.
That's a terrible score.
Oh. That makes me feel less good
about my 70 in English.
Well, you beat me.
I tanked everything
except math and science.
I got a 500 in English.
I did pretty good.
I mean "pretty well."
Ugh! That's probably
another ten points right there.
Yeah, my science
and history was a disaster.
A disaster like
the great Chicago Fire?
Or Chamberlain giving up
Poland to Hitler?
That's my fancy way of saying
I did good in history.
Wait a second.
Oh, I think we're covered.
Dad, you remember that TV
show you made me watch
about the tough guy
with the silver hair?
Maude?
No, it had people in a van,
lot of running around...
-Action News?
-Scooby-Doo?
No, no, it had that
theme song that went...
♪ Drummy-drum-drum!
Then... ♪ Da-da-dah.
The A-Team.
Yeah!
On the A-Team
each guy would have a different
job on the caper.
- Caper!
- Caper!
Anyway, we could all be like
Hope's learning A-Team.
I'll teach history;
you teach math.
- I call demolitions expert.
- Yes!
You're teaching English.
Oh.
You all right?
I guess.
I mean... I'm happy
we're gonna make this
work out for Hope,
but I hate giving Mr. Swift
the satisfaction of knowing
he was right about me
quitting again.
Or...
we can get the A-Team on it.
Yeah, Jimmy, it sounds like you
have a problem
no one else can solve.
We knew that none
of us were capable
of passing that test on our own.
We just needed to figure out
how I could pass it.
The first section is math
and science,
which will be very important
in your careers,
whether it's making change
or making meth.
Mr. Swift thought nobody
could figure out a way
to cheat on his test.
But he didn't realize that
he was up against the A-Team
of cheating.
This section is English.
Since each of us was good
at one subject,
if we just put the same name
on the right answer sheet
at the right time...
The next part is social studies.
...one person was gonna be good
at all of them.
Well, it kills me to say it,
but I was wrong.
You scored 90%.
Congratulations.
You've earned your
G.E.D. diploma.
Which is amazing to me because
you're the child of two morons
who just posted the lowest score
in the history of the G.E.D.
Well, what can I say?
Some of us are good
at taking tests,
some of us are good
at raising smart children.
We can't all be good
at everything.
Smell you later, chump.
At first I was worried
that Hope was gonna think
I was a complete dummy.
But actually,
I'm just part dummy
like the rest of my family.
But altogether,
we make a smarty,
just like Hope.
I love it when
a plan comes together.