Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 8 - Bro-gurt - full transcript

Hello?

Anyone home?

Your mat says "Welcome"...

unless it's being sarcastic.

If that's the case,
it should have quotes around it.

Is this
really necessary?

Trust me, ever since
his wife left him,

he comes over and
he won't leave.

Hello? Hello? Hello?

We never should have

let this guy in
the first time.



It's like when we fed
that three-legged dog

with the filmy eye,

and it kept
coming around.

Doesn't anybody hear the...?

Oh, man.

You guys are jerks.

I got some mail for Donna today.

It was addressed to "occupants,"
but she would have loved

to get
half-price carpet cleaning.

It's okay.

There, there.

Is he gone?

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh ♪



♪ Oh, oh, oh! ♪

What time did Andrew
finally leave?

I don't know. I fell asleep.

I hope I didn't hurt
his feelings.

Do
you want to be rich?

Yes.

Do you want to provide a secure
future for your children?

Yes.

Would you like to tell your boss
to take this job and shove it?

Oh, God, yes.

Then all you need is the next
great American invention.

Damn it,
there's always a catch!

Bring your ideas down

to the National Invention
Convention Extravaganza

at the Natesville High School
gym this Saturday,

where a celebrity judge
could make you

Why not?

Regular people come up
with great inventions every day.

What if we combine the oven
with the toaster into one thing?

An oven-toaster.

Inventing's for smart people.

Like the guy
who put his chocolate

in the other guy's
peanut butter.

That's not true.

Bill Gates couldn't
even finish college,

and he invented the computer.

Do you really think
we could do this?

We gotta at least try. Guys,

this could be our one chance
at having a better life.

Maybe you're right. I think
we could invent something.

I'm in.

Great. Everybody put on
your thinking caps today

and come home with at
least one good invention.

What about putting hot food
into pockets?

Pocket-Hots.

Well, cleanup
on aisle three is done.

Happy to say mother

and new child are
doing just fine.

What ya drawing?

Just my idea
for a new invention.

It's a baby mop.

While the baby crawls,
it also cleans. My mom wants us

to enter the National Invention
Convention Extravaganza

this Saturday.

I've always considered myself
pretty inventive.

I invented a language

that only me and my
identical twin knew.

But I haven't spoken
to that ugly turd in decades,

so maybe I should invent
something new.

That'll really fisnad
his gleeblok.

Have you thought about making
those in different colors?

I'm gonna do that
with my invention.

Different colors.
I call that.

What's your invention?

I don't know,

but it's gonna be
different colors.

Different colors,
that's a great idea.

I'm gonna, I'm gonna do it.
Thanks.

- Really?
- Uh-huh.

Wow. That's really cool.

What? Oh, that you're
gonna take my idea.

Wyatt's always working on
projects for business school,

and every time I try
to make a suggestion,

he just shoots it down like he's
threatened by it or something.

Threatened? That's crazy.
That's a weird thing to be.

Not me. In fact,
you want to partner up on this?

I mean, we'll have
to spend a lot of time

together working on it...

Sure. Yeah, that sounds fun.

You got your pen
in my cottage cheese!

You got your cottage
cheese on my pen.

Nope. Keep thinking.

I know I shouldn't keep shaving
with Donna's leg razor,

but I miss her, and it
makes me feel close to her.

Burt, did you fall asleep
on me again?

I'm sorry.

There's some inventors
contest this weekend,

and Virginia wants us
to "put on our thinking caps"

and think of an invention.

Come up with anything yet?

Uh, solar-powered
electric jump rope,

a pencil that makes your grammar
more correcter,

man yogurt.

Man yogurt?

You know, yogurt for men.

All they have now are
girly flavors like

blueberry or strawberry.

Why not have man flavors
like pork chops, stew?

Interesting.

You could call it "Bro-gurt."

Bro-gurt!

I got it! I got it!

I got our million-
dollar idea.

Man-flavored yogurt.

Why in the world
would anyone want yogurt

that tastes like a man?

No, it's man flavors,
like hamburger

cheeseburger, but not turkey
burger 'cause that'd be girly.

You see
how this works?

And here's the best part.

We call it "Bro-gurt."

Bro-gurt.

I like it.

A catchy name
is half the battle.

That's right up there
with Manwich.

See, it's that type of thinking
that's gonna get us

out of the service business

And into the business
of being served!

God, you are on a roll!

- On a roll like a Manwich!
- Whoa!

I've got to tell
that Manwich line

to Andrew when he comes over.

Andrew? No, that twit
cannot come over here.

We got work to do.

He's my partner. He came up
with the name Bro-gurt.

Burt, this was for our family
to get ahead.

Now Andrew is gonna be an
albacore around our necks

for the rest of our lives!

I think I've got
a good one.

"The Baby Mop."

Put it on a baby...

And the baby crawls
your mess away. I like it.

It's smart,
it's simple,

and most importantly,
no outside partner.

I have a partner.
Sabrina.

No! The plan was to go out

and come back with an idea!

Not come back
with a person

that we have to share our
bajillion dollars with. Dang!

Am I the only smart person
in this house?

What about a TV channel
just for news?

Wait. They'll have to fill up

too many hours and resort
to sensationalizing non-issues

and stirring up
partisan bickering.

Scratch that idea. It sucks.

Hello.

Well, hey, good news.

Since Hope doesn't
crawl anymore,

Shelley's gonna loan us some
babies for the presentation.

That's great,
but I have good news, too.

I finally figured out what's
missing from the Baby Mop.

The handle to steer it.

Yeah, but the
baby's just

supposed to clean
while it crawls around.

That's the whole point.

But babies are unpredictable,

and they might not crawl

where you want them to,

and...
Man, you hate it!

Oh, no, no, no, no.
I'm just letting it soak in.

Uh, a stick. Yeah, because...

Yeah, no, a stick!

It's a great idea, partner.

Thanks.

I'm gonna go see
if we have more colors.

Dude, she just jacked up
your invention

with that handle.

Now it's just a mop that cries.

Yeah, but this invention thing's
a long shot anyway.

I'm not gonna argue with her.

That's what Wyatt does,
and I'm gonna do the opposite.

The opposite
of the guy

- she has sex with.
- Good strategy.

Anyway, doesn't matter because
your baby mop has no chance

of winning
against my "shoemerang."

A shoe that will return
to you no matter

where you throw it.

I'm still working on ideas.

Mmm.
That has to be the best

scotch-and-cigar-flavored
yogurt ever made!

I know, right?

Bro-gurt is just
the beginning.

If this goes well, we can invent

all sorts of products
just for men.

Yeah. Why should women
get to invent everything?

Exactly.

We can make pork-sicles.

We can make soap
that smells like bacon.

Tampons for our butts!

What?

I don't know.
I'm just pitching.

You losers can quit
chopping meat.

I've got
the winning invention.

What does the average American
family spend $130 a year on?

Deodorant.

But that'll all stop
once they buy...

Pit-stops!

The world's first reusable
underarm protection.

Ooh, that's good.

If this goes well, you're
gonna grow up wearing

name-brand clothes
and get braces.

How ya doing,
Natesville inventors?

Sorry I couldn't be there

with you in person,

but I got a lot
of Hollywood projects,

and these jackets don't cut
the sleeves off themselves.

Still got it.

But I'm still able
to be there with you

because of the technology
of the video chat,

which somebody invented.

You've come in here today
as regular, average citizens,

but one of you may leave here
as wealthy as me.

So good luck to you.

Registration starts
in five minutes.

Please follow the yellow carpet
to the sign-up tables outside.

See ya then.

Andrew Dice Clay, oh, my God!

I love him!

His cassette's been stuck in
my car radio, like, ten years.

Okay, the basic
entry fee is $20.

For a little bit extra, we offer
patent-pending date-stamping.

This stops other people
from stealing your idea.

It's too bad this wasn't around

when Bill Johnson
invented the lightbulb.

I thought Thomas Edison invented
the lightbulb.

And that's why you need
the date stamp.

I'll take it.
You think we should get that?

Burt, I didn't know we had
to pitch this to a celebrity.

I don't think I can do this.

Okay, fine.
I'll do all the talking.

You got to settle down.

Go over to the glow-in-the-dark
ice-cream guy.

Maybe he's got a napkin

you can dry
your eyes with.

Okay, now I hate to be pushy,

but I cannot recommend
any higher

the invention checklist.

I mean, the first thing

on the list is "Buy the
invention checklist."

I'll take it.

Hey, good idea sending him
over there.

Now let's win this thing
before he gets back.

What has happened to you?
You sound so heartless.

I am heartless where a billion
dollars is concerned.

Burt, people only give to
charity after they have money.

You think Oprah was building
orphanages in Africa

when she was poor? She wasn't.

She was smoking crack
in Baltimore.

Why do you hate Oprah so much?

Why do you always defend her?

Okay, your total comes to $87.

We are going to be so rich.

Knock, knock.

I like where this is going.
Who's there?

Orange.

Orange who?

Orange you glad someone invented
a new color of traffic cone?

The formal traffic cone
for black-tie events.

Hey, hammerhead, black-tie
events are at night.

Drivers can't see those cones.

What's wrong with you?

Shoemerang!

Next.

If there's two things
I love in this world,

it's produce and skin care.

And this is where
my two loves meet.

An avocado face mask which
you keep on for 15 minutes,

and then...

Mmm...

Mmm. Eat the years
off your face

with Face-amole.

All right, face cream
you could eat.

I've eaten worse things
than that. Oh!

Let's talk numbers.

How much dough does each jar
cost to make?

Oh, avocados are 30 cents
apiece wholesale.

Two avocadoes per jar,
40 cents for the jar.

So each unit costs one dollar.

Man, I didn't know he was going
to ask us how much stuff costs.

I can't do math in my head.

Here's some paper.

I can't do math on paper.

I'm going to run home and get
our receipts and a calculator.

Hey, grab me some perfume.

These Pit-stops are good
at absorbing sweat,

but they're doing
nothing for the stink.

Hey, Jimmy,
here's your babies.

I hope we go early.

I'm technically not supposed to take
them away from the day care center.

Hey, where's the the handle?

Oh, man.
I bet the janitor stole it.

He was probably afraid

the babies were going
to take his job.

Oh, but not with the stick.

No, he'd still have
to push the stick.

I'll go talk to him. Yeah, and there
are 12 other janitors that work here,

so if the first one doesn't know

what you're talking about,
just keep looking.

♪ If you've got
some milk that you dropped ♪

♪ Clean-up's a breeze
with the Baby Mop. ♪

If there are two things in life
you can always count on,

it's that things will spill...

and babies will crawl.

Wait, wait, wait, wait.

Not only is there no reason
to cry over spilled milk,

there's no reason to cry
over spilled wine.

♪ If your husband's a drunk
and he just won't stop ♪

♪ You're the kind of mom
that needs a Baby Mop ♪

♪ Baby Mop turns a baby
into a cleaning machine ♪

♪ If she's got the time
to crawl ♪

♪ Then she's got the time
to clean. ♪

Hey, I went to the store,
and I got a new mop handle.

We've already started
the presentation.

That's okay. Just start over.

Here you go.
Just go ahead.

Nope, no, enough
with the stupid stick.

- What? You told me that you liked it.
- I lied.

- And now it's just a mop that cries.
- Oh, really?

Well, why don't we ask
Andrew Dice Clay what he thinks.

Do you think
the handle is stupid?

Of course it's stupid, but don't
worry about it, sweetheart.

You're pretty. Nobody
expects you to be smart.

Look, I'm sorry.
I didn't want this stick

to cost me and Hope a shot
at a billion dollars.

So you patronize me?

- What does that word mean?
- It means you're acting like a jerk.

I think you're confusing
being a jerk with being right.

Oh!

Well, if you're not going
to use the mop handle,

I got a pretty good idea
where you can shove it.

♪ Baby Mop. ♪

Receipts and calculator!

Got it, got it, got it!

Got it. I got it, I got it,
I got it, I got it, I got it.

Stupid, stupid...

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid!

You're right,
the reception is great,

but my partner's not
answering.

Do you have a
really bad headache?

My underarms are bone dry.

That's because I'm wearing...

Pit-stops!

Stopping your day
from being the pits.

So if I have two rubber bands
and two sponges in my house,

and I do, why would
I buy your product?

They come in children's sizes,
too.

Next. That brings us to...

Bro-gurt.

Would the inventors of Bro-gurt
get up here?

Bro-gurt?

All right, then, moving on.

For the fifth time, I'd like
to call up the inventor

of the total-noise-
cancellation headphones.

The total-noise-cancellation
headphones.

Excuse me, sir.
I was wondering

if I could pitch
to Mr. Clay now.

I'm, I'm sorry. All the
presentations are done.

The Dice Man is making
his decision as we speak.

I am such a loser.

I was too afraid to step up
for my friend Burt,

and now the world will never
get to taste his man yogurt.

There, there.

What happened?
Am I too late?

I'm sorry, Burt.
I wanted to go up

when they kept calling our name,
but every time I stood up,

I started to poop a little
and had to sit back down.

And we should have made
those butt tampons.

It's not your fault.

If I had half a brain, I would
have known to come prepared.

I'm just glad I get
to take these off.

I'm starting to lose
feeling in my arms.

Attention, everyone.
Listen to me over here.

In a way, you're all winners,

'cause you got to spend
the day with the Dice Man.

But that's the only way,

because I didn't hear
anything today

that was worthy of my celebrity
to endorse.

So, there is no winner.

So I guess you could say,
you rolled the craps

with the Dice Man.

Uh, excuse me, Mr. Dice Clay.

My partner never got a chance
to pitch his idea.

You're out of luck, pal.

Hickory dickory dock, you ran
out of time on the clock. Oh!

I know, but he was gone,

and I was just too intimidated
to step in for him.

And anyway, he's back now...

Hey, ding dong,

what part of "no"
don't you understand?

You want me to say it
in different languages?

Spanish... "no."
French... "no."

Portuguese... "no."

No! No!

I'm tired of giving up.

I didn't get into the college
I wanted and so I gave up.

My wife left me and I gave up.

Well, I can't
do it this time,

because this time I didn't just
mess up my own life.

This was my friend's
chance to get ahead.

My only friend.

And it's a great idea.

And we are not leaving
until you hear about it

and hopefully validate
our parking.

Who do you think
you're talking to, huh?

I'm the Dice Man.

I got my name on my shirt.

There ain't a dry cleaner
in Brooklyn

don't got my picture
on their wall.

Get out of here.

You got that, pal?

You understand me now, huh?

So let's get stepping
towards the door.

Oh! Pay no attention to the man
behind the curtain.

This is a scam.

Andrew Dice Clay didn't
turn us down, you did.

You are a very bad man.

Yeah. I bet you don't
even know anything

about inventing products.

That's not true.

I mean, I invented this...

this digital video

motion-capture technology.

But I didn't know anything
about patent law,

and it turns out James Cameron
had invented it first.

That kid from Growing Pains?

I always thought
he was smart.

The point I'm trying to make
is that

I thought
I'd wasted

a lot of time and money on this,

and then I found an innovative
way to make money with it.

Yeah, by scamming us
out of our savings

and giving us
nothing in return.

Now, listen, listen, easy, easy.

Okay, Burt?

Burt, okay, I wouldn't say you
didn't get anything out of this.

I mean, I heard Andrew
say that you thought

you weren't smart.

I mean, you came up

with the idea for...

It's yogurt that comes
in flavors for men.

That is a truly original idea.

Do you know what it takes to
come up with an original idea?

It takes a brain.

Yeah.

I guess it does.

Virginia, after Burt
comforted Andrew,

I heard Burt tell you
that you had no heart.

And you agreed with him?

But then later,

when Andrew needed comforting
and Burt wasn't around,

you opened your arms
and you opened your heart.

Yeah, I do have a heart.

It's just that
Burt's is so big,

I never have a chance
to use mine.

And Andrew, you told Burt

that you were too afraid to
even talk to Andrew Dice Clay.

And yet later, you
summoned the courage

to not only talk
to Andrew Dice Clay,

you yelled at Andrew Dice Clay.

It wasn't Andrew Dice Clay,
it was you.

But you didn't know that.

Is anybody
else creeped out

by how many conversations
this guy eavesdrops on?

Hey, what about Jimmy?

Yeah.
What did Jimmy get out of this?

I'll tell you what I got.

I got in a huge fight
with Sabrina.

Now I just want to go home.

And you can go home.

All of you could have gone
home any time you wanted.

My icecream!

It's melting! It's melting!

Are you still mad at Jimmy
about what happened today?

No.

Actually, the more
I think about it,

I kind of really liked seeing
him blow up like that.

- I know. It really was kind of...
- Hot, right?

You know, I'm kind of glad I got
in that fight with Sabrina.

I had her on such a pedestal.

- I'm glad you're finally over her.
- Oh, no, I still like her.

But seeing how
crazy she got

kind of humanized her a bit.

Which is good.
Takes her down a few pegs.

Hey, that Wizard of Oz
movie's coming on.

Should we try
watching it again?

See if we can get past
the first ten minutes?

I just don't see the point
of buying a color TV

to watch a
black-and-white movie.

Plus Hope only likes movies with
singing and dancing and monkeys.

She'd hate it.

It doesn't matter.

I'll find something else.

I'm just happy to be home.

There's no place like home.