Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 7 - Burt's Parents - full transcript

Oh! 11-3 us.

That's not fair. Our team's like
120 years older than yours.

It is fair because this is
Sabrina's first time playing.

Sorry, did we forget
to explain to Sabrina

the complicated rules

of living-room-balloon-ball?

You hit the balloon
over the couch.

Okay, we all up to speed now?

Rotate.

Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, didn't know if I'd catch
you on a Saturday.



- Hi, Dad.
- Is he there?

You promised to yell for me
when he picked up.

I did yell,
but you didn't hear me

because you refuse
to wear the hearing aid.

Makes me look old.

You know what
makes you look old?

- Saying "What?"
- What?

Wear the aid or get off
the phone, Christine.

Anyway, Burt, your brother Bruce
can't have us

for Thanksgiving this year.

He'll be on an Alaskan cruise.

Did you tell him about Alaska?

- Yes.
- What?

What can I do for you guys?



The long and short of
it is this, Burtie,

since Bruce will be gone,

we thought we'd spend the
holiday at your place.

Obviously it won't be as fancy
as Bruce's,

but it'll be more like
the original Thanksgiving...

no heat, and I'm sure some
of the food will be donated.

I'm kidding, son.

But look, it's been way too many
years since we saw you.

What do you say?

My parents want to come
here for Thanksgiving!

And they'll see
that I haven't done anything

with my life
in the last five years!

- Burt, are you there?
- I'll bet he didn't pay his phone bill.

Burt, you're just
torturing yourself.

We're not that close
with these people.

They always judge you. Just tell
them we made other plans.

but then these other words
came out.

Oh, stupid brain.

♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh,
oh, oh, oh! ♪

Four days.

Four days to make
this place presentable.

We got to work like
the boss is watching.

Oh, and Jimmy,
you got to get rid

of that baby for the holiday.

What? She won't care.
It's not Christmas.

Having a baby out of wedlock

was one of the biggest
things they judged me for.

I don't want
them judging me again

for letting
you repeat the cycle.

It's like a
self-refilling prophecy.

Thank you.
So ditch the kid.

In fact, you can go with her.

'Cause you remind them
of my mistake.

Now I got to go evict
the porch squirrels.

So I take it Burt's relationship
with his parents

is kind of estranged?

Oh, no, it's completely strange.

Two malaprops in a row.
God, I love this family.

Yeah, they are malaprops,
but they're also his parents.

And they really do
a number on him.

It's because he knows

that they've always thought
he was a screw-up.

Here you go, Brucie,
a dollar for every "A."

Keep getting grades
like that,

I'm going to have
to get a second job.

Hey, I got two "A's"
on my report card.

You know what else
has two "A's"? "Jackass."

We don't mean to laugh,
but your brother's very clever.

"Jackass" does have
two "A's" in it.

In the spellin- there's two
"A's" in the...

Go play with your trucks.

I just got into business school.

- Way to go, Bruce.
- I knew it.

I got Virginia pregnant.

I knew it.

Get that thing
off my counter.

There's pee on it.

Yeah, business is going great.

Turns out it was a good thing
I had a kid early,

'cause now I have an assistant
on the job.

How is Jimmy?

Great. Busy. Choosing colleges.

Somebody was supposed
to pick me up from the mall!

I had to walk three miles
in humidity,

you worthless sheep!

He's going through
a little phase.

Jimmy,

you remember your grandparents,
don't you?

Check out my new piercing.

Bruce's son has one
with a real diamond.

No matter how hard
Dad tries,

his parents always think

Bruce's poo doesn't stink,
and Dad's does.

Which is sort of true, because
Bruce eats a very bland diet.

Poor baby.

It still kills him that
he doesn't have their approval.

Heh...

So I know you're bummed
about your parents visiting,

but I think I got an idea

that'll make you
feel a lot better.

This is a house I clean...

Are we going to have
unfamiliar bedroom sex?

I knew that erotic
suggestion box would pay off.

Thank you, Oprah.

That's not it.
Come inside.

Oh, are we going to have
unfamiliar kitchen sex?

This could be our only chance
to have sex on an island.

I noticed this when I was
cleaning here earlier today.

They're going on vacation
during Thanksgiving.

It's perfect, Burt.

We can tell your parents
we've been working real hard,

saving up our money.

And we bought this house.

- It's perfect!
- I know!

You don't have to feel
like a loser anymore.

I love you so much.

You know what I want
to do right now?

Have sex with me
on an island?

Okay, but let's wipe it down
real good first.

People cut raw chicken
on these things.

That one.

No, no, no, wait.

He has sad eyes.

Cook that one.

Okay, okay, sorry,
sorry. Not you.

I can't do this.

It's best if you don't
look in their eyes.

Just say Edgar or Morty.

What's going on?

Barney's going to pretend
to be my parents' caterer

on Thanksgiving
to impress my grandparents.

We're going to go with this one.

He's old, and I don't think he'll
make it to next Thanksgiving.

Plus, I want him
to die with dignity.

And not just end up as turkey
burgers on the Fourth of July.

Oh, hey, do you want
to hang out for Thanksgiving?

- Seriously?
- Yeah.

Wyatt's away interviewing
at law schools,

and my family's taking
the jet to Turkey

for what they're called
"an ironic Thanksgiving."

So I'm alone, too.

That would be great.

Yeah, pretend to be
a little family.

Well, if we're going to pretend,

we could go to the fake house
with everybody else.

My dad can't have a problem
with his parents meeting Hope

if she has a mother.

Oh, my God, it'll be like
turkey dinner theater.

I just hope I can
pull it off.

I'm not so great
at lying,

and this is really
important to my dad.

Okay. Well, maybe we should
practice kissing a couple times

so it's not awkward
when we do it

- in front of your grandparents.
- Okay.

- How was that?
- I feel like we looked uncomfortable.

- Let's try again.
- Okay.

He's old, but he's got

a lot more fight
left in him than I thought.

We're home.

♪ Our house
in the middle of our street ♪

♪ Our house
in the middle of our ♪

♪ Our house it has a crowd ♪

♪ There's always something
happening ♪

♪ And it's usually quite loud ♪

♪ Our mum she's so house-proud ♪

♪ Nothing every slows her down
and a mess is not allowed ♪

♪ Our house... ♪
This is your new room, Maw Maw.

♪ In the middle
of our street ♪

♪ Our house... ♪
Nice.

♪ In the middle of our... ♪

In my day, they were shaped
more like penises.

They're here.

They're here!

- Welcome.
- Wow, wow, what a place.

Burt, I don't believe this.

Aw, crap.

It was Virginia's idea...

To, um, move into
this neighborhood.

Because, uh, they have
better schools here.

Grampy and Grandma!

Jimmy!

No creepy makeup.
Thank God.

Got a surprise for you.

You didn't put another earring
in your swizzle stick, did you?

No, I've been using my
swizzle stick for other things.

Hi.

Surprise.

Uh, this is my wife,

- Sabrina.
- Hi.

And this is your
great-granddaughter Hope.

Jimmy, I just got to ask... in light
of your parents' track record,

did the marriage cause the baby or
did the baby cause the marriage?

Ha, ha, that's rich.

Just like me.
Come on, I'll give you the tour.

I never get tired of looking
at all my cool stuff.

Venison meatballs?

Uh, this is Barnard,
our caterer.

He does all our big events...

Thanksgiving, Christmas,

WrestleMania.

Enjoy.

Argh, matey.

She won't take a nap.

I think it's 'cause
she's in a strange place.

Her and I are in a strange place

emotionally, lately.

Sabrina was just telling me
about the day you met.

That was very
courageous

how you lost a testicle

saving her from
an armed robber.

Luckily he went after the
criminal doing a cartwheel.

Or he'd have taken that bullet
right between the eyes.

Um, that's right.

And the truth is, is without the
other one there taking up space,

the one that is left
has just gotten gigantic.

They're like goldfish.

The more space they have,
the bigger they get.

I love giant goldfish.

Why don't you take Great-Grandma
and show her your fishies.

I want to see your fishies.

Shot me in the
testicle?! Really?!

I know. Isn't it hilarious?
It was Sabrina's idea.

And by the way,

I told her that we potty trained
Hope at six months.

So if she starts to stink,
whoever's holding her

is going to have to
apologize for farting.

I just love
all this playacting.

I haven't had this much fun
since I did improv games

at the teen mom center.

They thought it would help us talk our
way out of having sex the next time.

"Hey, girl, whatcha doing?"

Oh.

"Reading what you just wrote."

Dummy.

"What are you wearing?"

Oh.

"Sweater set,
control top pantyhose

and, uh, navy slacks."

"Weird.

You might be more comfortable
taking that off."

Hmm.

"Makes sense to me."

Boy, this is beautiful,
beautiful.

Hey, I hope you don't mind,
I raided your humidor.

You've got quite a few
illegal Cubans in there.

Oh, yeah?

Maybe we should let them out.

Well, I already did.

You know, son,
I'm really impressed

with all of this.

I mean,
look at this.

This is
40-year-old scotch.

Oh, yeah, I've been meaning
to get rid of that.

It's probably gone bad
by now.

Yeah.

There we go.

To you, son.

To me.

Fire in the hole.

This is great, ain't it?

"You make me crazy.

"I want to see you right now.

Let's video chat."

Well, I could do that.

So if you like
your dinner,

I purchased all of the
ingredients at Howdy's Market.

In the future, Barnard,
we prefer

you shop at the high-end market

because when you're rich,

you don't
concern yourself with prices.

Clap, clap.

I, I found my diary!

Apparently, me and-and some guy
named Brayden are in love

and there's nothing anybody
can do about it.

Anybody gonna get that?

Uh, they'll call back.

Hello, thank you for calling.
You've reached...

Please leave a message,
♪ My country 'tis of thee ♪

and I'll get back to you

as soon as I possibly can.
♪ Sweet land of liberty ♪

♪ Of thee I sing ♪

♪ Land where my father died ♪

♪ Land of the pilgrims' pride ♪

♪ From every fountainside ♪
♪ From every mountainside ♪

♪ Let threesomes ring. ♪
♪ Let freedom ring. ♪

We do that every day at 7:00.

14.

I don't want
to talk about it.

We have
to talk about it.

- I don't want to.
- We have no other option, Ralph.

I can't take it
anymore.

We have to tell Burt
the truth.

Tell me the truth
about what?

Is it that I'm adopted?

'Cause every time I change
the radio stations in the car

and the Mexican
music comes on,

I just start dancing
in my seat.

I can't control it.

- That's not it, Burt.
- Christine?

We're completely broke and we're
about to lose our house.

What happened, Dad?

I had all my retirement money
tied up with Bernie Madoff

and Borders bookstores,
and I lost it all.

That's the real
reason we came her

They kicked us out of our house.
We're homeless.

But now that I see
how well you're doing,

what do you think
of us living with you

until we get back
on our feet?

We'd be honored.

What the hell
are you thinking?

They can't stay here
because we don't live here.

I know, I know,

but do you have any
idea how great that felt?

I'm their hero now.

I've waited my
whole life for this.

Talking like this
hurts my voice.

Burt, the people
who own this house

are gonna come back.
Not for three days.

Please, Virginia, let me feel
like this for three more days,

and then I'll tell them
the truth, I promise.

It is kind of fun pretending
to be other people.

Three more days can't hurt.

Yeah.

So, uh...

what do you say to some
unfamiliar bed sex?

All right. Ooh, I'm gonna go
find some earrings.

I want to look like one of those
chicks from Real Housewives.

Aren't you our maid?

Probably not anymore.

You might want to check
your kitchen calendar.

You're not supposed to be
home for three days.

Someone just had
to try the moguls.

But that's not the point.

Oh, yeah, my grandmother's
also sleeping

in your daughter's room.

Thank you, God!

And apparently my son's fake
wife is sleeping

in your son's bed.

These are beautiful,
by the way.

Boy, you guys sure high-tailed
it out of there fast.

I should get those people
to come over here

and kick you out of this house.

Well, since it doesn't seem
to matter anyway...

I'm not actually
Jimmy's wife.

I just thought it would
be fun pretending

to be somebody
that I'm not.

I'm Tiffany Hargrove.

I'm, uh, the artistic director

of the Natesville
Dinner Theater.

And, well, I gotta run

'cause I'm running a little late

for a dress rehearsal
for Fiddler on the Roof.

Toodles!

So where's
your real wife?

I'm a single father.

Hope's real
mother got electrocuted.

Oh, that's so sad.

Faulty wiring?

Yeah, in her head.
Murdered a bunch of folks.

Got the
electric chair.

Also, two testicles. Two.

I can't believe you lied to us
about having money.

What about you?
You call and say you want

to visit at Thanksgiving,

but you kinda left out the
part about you being homeless.

You're right.
You're right. I blew it.

The only thing I have left of
any value is

this antique
pocket watch.

And that's only because
I just stole it

from that house
we were just in.

Give me that.

I'll put it back Tuesday.

When Bruce comes back into town,

I'll explain everything.
You can go stay with him.

No, you can't do that.
I don't want Bruce to find out.

Please, save me
this one bit of dignity

until I figure out a way
to get back on my feet.

Well, you can stay here in
the meantime.

It's not as lavish
as the other place,

but it's a roof over your head

and you're welcome to it
for as long as you need.

Oh, goody.

Now I get to split my social
security checks seven ways.

I don't know
what I'm happier about:

that my parents are staying
with us or that

we finally have an excuse to
order the gut-buster pizza.

You're just really enjoying
playing the hero, aren't you?

Yeah, it's nice.

At first, I was afraid they
didn't really want to be here,

but I think they're starting to
feel a little more comfortable.

Well, they certainly look
comfortable.

What the hell is all this?

Oh, it's our new bed.

You didn't expect us to sleep
on that old couch, did you?

That thing had 70 years
of farts in it.

What the hell are those
sunglasses you're wearing?

We got ourselves
a new 3-D television.

We're watching
the History Channel.

It's like the Nazis are marching
right in here.

How'd you pay
for all this stuff?

Turns out there was one
credit card company

we weren't maxed out on.

Sushi?

Mom, Dad,

we got to talk.

Dad explained to Grandma
and Grandpa that now

that they were poor, they
needed to start acting like it.

And lucky for them, we were the
perfect people to teach them.

First they needed jobs.

And since Grandpa made all his
money in real estate,

we found him something
selling houses.

See ya at 5:00.

Instead of his normal
three-piece suit,

he wore a chicken suit.

But when you're poor,
you can't be too picky.

Meanwhile, Mom taught Grandma
how to live within their means.

So you just add a little
vinegar and some lemon juice.

Don't bother.

I closed up shop
down there a long time ago.

Down there?
I was just showing you how

to make cheap salad dressing.
What were you talking about?

Never mind.

Mom also showed Grandma
how to shop using coupons

and how to always keep an eye
out for damaged goods.

And when there aren't any
damaged goods,

she showed her how
to damage them.

We also showed them you could
relax after a hard day's work

without going to one of those
fancy chairs at the mall

that cost a dollar.

And that you don't need
a fancy 3-D TV

to entertain yourself.

All you need is a couch,
a balloon and a stupid game.

Next.

By the end of the week,

they totally got
the hang of it.

They say you can't teach
an old dog new tricks.

But apparently you can teach
a grandpa

in a chicken suit
to flip a sign.

To the progress of my parents
and learning

that you don't have
to be rich to bepy.

And year-old
freezer-burned flank steak

is just as good
as top sirloin.

Better, you can chew
so much longer.

Enough.
I can't take this anymore.

- What, Dad?
- Hold on.

I've been gnawing on that same
bite for 15 minutes.

I'm sorry, I just can't
do this anymore.

Oh, thank God.
I can't, either.

My fingers are covered in
coupon paper cuts

and, well, this salad
dressing tastes like douche.

We know you're trying
to help us,

and we know that you
enjoy this life,

but it's a God-awful way
to live.

I mean, no offense.
You keep a lovely home.

Your brother Bruce gets back
from his cruise tomorrow.

And as humiliating as it might be
to tell him that we need his help,

it's nowhere near as bad
as living on a budget.

Take me with you.

Bruce isn't coming in.

Cut himself shaving
and is afraid

if he touches something,

he'll catch the
flesh-eating bacteria.

Oh, my God, I never thought
of that.

Let's go.
Love you, Burt.

You know, son, I always thought
of you as a slacker

who took the easy way out.

But after living with you
for one week,

I've realized that you're
not a slacker.

I mean, you take care
of that old lady and your son

and your illegitimate
granddaughter

by working your butt off
for very little money.

That's to be commended.

Thanks, Dad.

I, however, would rather kill
myself than live like that.

You're a better man than I.

Well, we've got
about five hours

till they repossess
this TV.

Let's see what a 72-inch 3-D
Wheel of Fortune looks like.

Is Barbara June here?

I just can't
get her out of my mind.

Maw Maw, your
boyfriend's here!