Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 6 - Jimmy and the Kid - full transcript

Is that olive loaf?
I want olive loaf.

It's not officially olive loaf,

but I smooshed together
some olives and some meat.

You'll like it.

Hope's getting
new baby clothes.

That guy who sells socks
out of his trunk

in the drug store parking lot
has fabric now.

Virginia, would you
give her her pill today?

No. It's an even-numbered day.
It's your turn.

Just shove it in her mouth.

She bites me.



I still have my mark
from two days ago.

Figure it out.

Why do you have to make
this so difficult?

Don't have a lot of
other things going on.

Sabrina:
Check it out.

"Yo, my parents named me
Frank, 'cause they love

to shake me."

Let me do the lady.

(As elderly lady): "I'll take a
quarter pound of the chicken salad."

But that's what she
would probably say.

I know. That's why
I said it.

Yeah...

You don't get what
we're doing, do you?

Barney (As Jimmy Stewart): Could
an available sales associate



bring a nose hair clipper
to the manager's office

for a price check?

I repeat... could an available
sales associate...

(Knocking) Oh, good,
you heard me.

What's with the funny voice?

It's Jimmy Stewart.

I had to disguise my voice because
my ex-wife is in the store.

- Jimmy: What's she doing here?
- I don't know.

Last time I saw her she was living in
Phoenix with her new husband.

But between them
closing the blinds

and me having to stay
100 yards away from her,

it wasn't worth
flying there anymore.

Wait, is that
Barney Jr.?

No, that's Trevor.

He's her son with Doug.

The man she left the man
she left me for.

Any strays?

Let me take a shot.
But I'm going to leave a couple.

You don't want her to think
you care too much.

I need to look my best.

Gloria hasn't seen me
since my gastric bypass.

I was skinny when we got married,
but then I put on 200 pounds.

Got 'em.

Aw, Jimmy!

(Snoring)

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Hey, release! Release!

Release.

That's puzzling.

Thursday's bite had more marks.

Did you lose a tooth?

Yeah. Last night.

I got into a bit of a tussle
with a piece of Taffy

and I swallowed
my back right molar.

- The gold one?
- Yep.

So, uh, what are you
going to do about that?

About what?

The tooth.

It's got to be worth
a few hundred dollars.

You gonna, uh, go after it?

Oh, God, you're disgusting.

You want me to go through
my poo?

It's worth hundreds of dollars.

Yeah, well, I'm 85 years old.

I'm not going to go through my
poo to find a stupid tooth.

It's gone.

Mind if I go through it?

Yeah, I mind.

Stay the hell out of my poo.

It might not even be the gold one.
Let me look again.

Oh!

(Swallows)

We do have fun,
don't we, Burt?

"Barney, you look great.

And I'm so glad to see you
got rid of that second head."

Jimmy: "I'm Barney saying
something funny."

"Look at me, I'm shaking
hands with a boy.

"I sure am.

Shaking hands with a boy?"

Sabrina, can you take
Trevor to the break room

to get him an
official work shirt?

This young buck's
joining the Howdy's team.

Well, welcome to Howdy's.

And just remember, if you're
honest and you work hard,

you'll be mocked and ridiculed
by all the other employees.

Gloria's divorced and thinking
about moving back to town.

She wants to spend
a little time together.

I need you guys to keep
Trevor occupied.

I'm just worried he might be a
little bit of a hmm-hmm blocker.

Virginia:
Hey, check us out.

I bought way too much
fabric. We're twins.

Adorable.

Question... if
Maw Maw swallowed a gold tooth

worth a couple hundred bucks
and doesn't retrieve it,

potentially that makes it

a finders-keepers situation,
right?

Oh, my God.

You're disgusting.

- Why?
- We are not those people.

What people?

Poo going through people.

People so desperate they go through
poo for a couple hundred dollars.

It's disgusting.

Well, so are all those rich jerk
clients you talk about.

Always flushing
money down the drain.

We would literally be flushing
money down the drain.

Burt, I will steal
coins from a fountain,

I'll even do clinical
drug trials again,

as long as I'm not the placebo...
I don't like feeling tricked,

but there is
no amount of gold

that's worth rummaging through
that lady's butt custard.

Oh, check it out.

"I like to stick my nose

in this chicken's butt 'cause
it really relaxes me."

"I have to be careful.
I can't sniff too hard

"or I'll suck this chicken right
in my gigantic nose.

"I did that once with
a cornish game hen.

I think it's still up there."

You're pretty good at this.
What are you, like, 32, 33...?

- 34.
- 34.

(Chuckles)

Hey, what's so funny?

Oh, we're just doing that thing
that you stink at

where we make up what
people are saying.

He made a pretty good joke
about your big nose.

My nose is normal sized.

I'm sorry, what? I couldn't hear
you over your nose.

Ooh.

Yeah, that... that joke's
a stinker

even I could smell with
my normal size nose.

(Laughing)

Lean to the left,
then lean to the right.

Oh, hey, Jimmy.

Trevor's teaching me
how to Dougie.

You should try it.
It's pretty easy.

But don't lean too
far to the side,

'cause your nose
might tip you over.

You know, like
a construction crane.

Construction crane.
You're hilarious.

He is, right?
This nose stuff is good.

That young man has tapped into

a very rich area for comedy.

Hey, listen, we need to chat
for a minute, just bro to bro.

I-I think you're funny,
but I need you to back off

a smidge with the
nose insults, okay?

Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know
you were sensitive about it.

You've got a big nose, I've got big ears.
It's no big deal.

Where I grew up, guys make fun of
each other about that kind of stuff.

Yeah, yeah, yeah, no.
Yeah, of course.

It's only a thing because you're
doing it in front of Sabrina.

And I, you know,
I kind of like her.

Oh.

Mm-hmm, yeah. So...

Well, we have
a bigger problem then.

- I kind of like her, too.
- You're 13.

So? You have a big nose.
We all have our faults.

I guess we'll just have to see which
one she's willing to overlook.

Plus, I'm funny, and
I can do the Dougie.

What up now, son? Whoo-whoo.

Whoa, somebody's been
to the beauty saloon.

Gloria thought it made me look
like Matthew McConaughey.

(Imitating McConaughey):
All right, all right, all right.

It's not as good as
your Jimmy Stewart,

- but you keep working at it.
- Yeah, well, I got to get going.

Gloria doesn't like
me to dillydally,

when I'm supposed to
be dallying her dilly.

If you know what I mean.

I think I do,
but I wish I didn't.

Hey look, Jimmy's
nose is here.

The rest of him should be
coming along any minute.

Well, at least I don't have
big ears, Dumbo.

You going to fly away with those
big ears, big ears?

Plus, my parents aren't
divorced.

What up now, son? Whoo-whoo.

My God, Jimmy?! Jimmy,
he's just a kid.

No, it's fine.

A lot of people tease me
about my big ears

and my parents' divorce.

I just... need
to get stronger.

Hey, hey, hey,
it's okay. It's okay.

(Clicking and beeping)

What are you doing?

Just making sure the tooth's
still in there.

What?

I started thinking
about the hot tub.

How we found it 20 years ago,

and we've never had the
money to buy a pump for it.

Every time we
had any cash,

some expense would come up and
we couldn't buy a luxury item.

Anyway, I was thinking, if we
got that tooth and sold it,

we could finally
fix the hot tub.

And then we could sit out here
under the stars,

you and me together.

Just like we always dreamed of.

So you changed your mind.

Well, when I think of it as
money, it feels wrong.

But if Maw Maw swallowed
nights under the stars

that I could enjoy with you

I would go through
her yucky-yuck to get it.

You would?

But if we're really
going to do this,

we can never tell a soul.

No one can know

that we really are
poo going through people.

Let me ask you a question.

You're not one of those kids

who take judo or karate or
anything like that, right?

No.

Good. 'Cause if you
keep making fun of me,

and, yes, I'm saying this
to a 13-year-old,

I'm going to have
to kick your ass.

You lay one finger on me,
and I tell Sabrina you love her,

and that you wait outside the
bathroom door and listen to her pee.

- I don't do that.
- It'll be your word against mine.

And nobody's going to believe a
guy that beat up a 13-year-old.

Okay, fine,
I won't beat you up.

Just don't tell Sabrina
that I like her.

God, man, why can't you just
get a girl your own age?

I'm new in town.
I only know Sabrina.

We can fix that.
If I can find you a girl your own age,

would you stop
making fun of me?

If I stop making fun of you,
who am I going to make fun of?

All right, that makes
1,274 to 1,346.

Left hand's making a comeback.

I can work with that.

Hey.

How about her?

Nice.

Mid to late puberty,

hormones going wild,

that's all me.

Go over and find out if
she thinks I'm cute.

Why me? If I do it it's weird.

Not as weird as you
listening to Sabrina pee.

- Sabrina...
- Okay, okay, okay.

God. I'll go.

Uh, hi.

I'm sorry to bug you.

I have a friend who thinks
you're real cute.

He's a great kid, new in town.

If you go out with him,
I'd be thrilled.

I could drive you guys on a date.
Do you like movies?

I could take you to the movies
or out to the lake.

I have a great van.

What the hell's going on here?

Oh, no, no, no, no, no.

Hey, no. Nothing bad. Wow.

I'm not talking to
your little girl for me

I'm talking to her for my
friend, the bag boy over there.

- What?!
- Oh, no, I didn't mean...

(Groans weakly)

(Thudding)

Judy...

We have to find that girl.

I think I'm in love.

Spatula, colander,
rubber gloves, bleach...

You're gonna be sifting through
excrement, aren't you?

I beg your pardon!

I have no idea
what you're talking about,

and I resent the "implination"!

I got some menthol rub
to put under our noses,

so we won't have
to smell the poo.

Oh, man!
We got medium gloves.

I hope you don't rip 'em.

How would I rip them, as you
will be the wearer of them.

As you will be the doer,
doing the deed.

Why should I do the deed?

You're blood-related.

It's almost like
going through your own.

That's stupid.

(Sighs)

Okay. Flip a coin.

- Call it in the air.
- Heads.

Nope. You lose.

I'm still not doing it.

It's tails! You have to!

No, I don't.

Why did you suggest a coin toss?

Because I had a 50-50 chance
of winning... I took a shot.

Unfair. Unfair! Unfair!

Fine. Flip it again.

- Heads.
- Tails.

Here's the gloves.

No, not doing it.

Stop doing that!

Okay, fine, I'll do it.

(Doorbell rings)

I couldn't stop thinking about
the fact you bought a spatula.

I think you're gonna want
a slotted spoon.

So how come you're
not in school?

How come you're a dropout
who works in a grocery store

and can't get a girlfriend?

I was just trying to make
conversation, man.

Trevor:
There you are.

You can run but you can't hide.

Hey...

Remember me from the store?

I'm Trevor.

Yeah! Hi!
I'm Judy.

Wanna hang out, maybe watch
movies at my friend's house?

He says he has a VHS player.

Whatever that is.

I would but...
My dad's super-strict.

He keeps tabs on me with
the GPS on my phone.

And I have to be at practice
for the next two hours.

You know I once
caught a fish... this big?

I cannot believe how sore I am
from one day of running.

You need to stop acting like
a 13-year-old girl

and just tell Sabrina
you like her.

Will you shut up, mom?

I told you I'll tell her
when I'm ready!

(Gentle grunt)

(Singsongy):
Somebody got their period.

If I tell Sabrina too soon,
it'll mess up my plan.

Trust me...
I've been watching her.

Things with Sabrina and Wyatt
are always best

when he's away at school and
they don't see each other much.

Oh, look... Wyatt sent me a kiss
with a video text.

(Smacking)

But when they're in the same
city, they start to fight.

But I like it with
a little hair.

- Well, I don't.
- But I do.

I don't care!
I'm getting my chest waxed!

Christmas break, he'll be here
for a whole month.

Week three, I make my move.

Burt: Sounds like
a solid plan.

I apologize for the
"period" comment.

Thank you.

And for now, I just
have to deal with Trevor.

Just be careful...
Blackmail never ends.

Remember that woman I caught
cheating on her husband?

That's why we never
have to pay tolls on I-80.

That's a woman?!

(Shudders):
Ooh.

Eh, just have to do it
until Christmas.

Besides, I could use
a little exercise.

You!

You!

What are you doing?

- Why are you chasing these girls?
- Uh...

Is that my daughter's phone?

Uh...

Where the hell is my daughter?

(Dance music playing)

You're lucky I
didn't kill ya!

Ya big-nose pervert!

It's not that big, man.

Dude, did you not see
the sock on the front door?

- Judy...
- Daddy!

I doubt... I doubt very much you
will be seeing young Judy again.

Fine. I was sick
of her, anyway.

Find me a new one.

And this time, I want one with
a little more junk in the trunk.

An Asian... blonde.

A blonde Asian
with junk in her trunk.

Find her.

What's with all the ruckus?

I have to tell Sabrina
that I love her.

How about this:

Sabrina, all the
time we've spent

at the express
check-out Lane,

I've been checking you out,

but I've never expressed
how I feel.

I think it should rhyme.
Chicks dig rhymes.

That's true.
What are you gonna wear?

You should
go shirtless.

With maybe a necklace or a hat.

Something to take her eyes
off your slight belly.

How about I put on a shirt?

That'll work.
And make sure you have

a toothpick
sticking out of your mouth.

It says you have good hygiene.

Whatever you say, make sure it
has some flair.

You are a special boy.

And she needs to know
that you're special.

Maybe start with that.

I am a special boy, and you
should know that I am special?

I like it.

You know what?

I think I'm gonna
write her a letter instead.

Where is my word jumble?

She's close.

It's showtime, honey.

Stop!

I can't let my
wife do this.

Plus, I don't want
to sit in a hot tub

with a woman who's
sifted through poo.

Stop!

I can't let you
do it, either.

Burt... you know
what this means?

We're not those people.

Oh, my God!
We're not those people!

We're not those
people!

(Toilet flushing)

Please don't tell Gloria.

It'll just be one more thing
she has to fix about me.

It's so much pressure!

I have to change
my hair for her,

and wear these weird "metal-y"
eagle-wing shirts.

This is just like
when we were married.

Barney, you
gotta be yourself,

and have somebody love you
for the toy-collecting,

normal shirt wearing,

flat-haired store manager
that you are.

Somebody's going to.

'Cause that store
manager's great.

You got a little
something... right here.

Jimmy: There comes a day
in every man's life

when he has to stand
face-to-face

with the woman he loves
and tell her how he feels.

I'm not that man.

I chose to slip a note
in her locker.

You know what?
I'm proud of you.

It must really feel great.

What must feel great?

I broke if off
with Gloria.

She was no good for me.

She went back home.

So Trevor's gone, too?

There also comes a point
in every man's life

when he has to run
like a little girl

to retrieve a love note
from a locker.

Luckily, I've been on
a little girl's track team

for the last two weeks.

Come on... come on...

(Grunting)

Aah! (Whimpering)

(Gasps)

Sometimes in life, you gotta
bite the bullet

and let the chips fall
where they may.

And if you're lucky, things
might turn out good.

I could see how my words
were touching Sabrina,

and could feel all my hopes
coming true.

Hey, Jimmy...

Yes?

This is the sweetest love letter
from Trevor.

Trevor?

Yeah, well, I mean,
it had to be him.

His spelling is terrible.

He spelled "captivating"
with a "K."

He rhymed "heart"
with "Paul Blart."

Paul Blart had
a humble courage.

It's so cute
that he had a crush.

He wrote a lot of sweet things.

When Trevor gets older, and
he works on his spelling,

he's gonna be irresistible
to women.

Luckily, I didn't have to tell
Sabrina how I felt

before I was ready.

(Sighs)

But pretty soon,
I'm gonna have to,

so I needed
to start practicing.

You're dating a guy
named Wyatt...

Did you ever stop
to think "why it?"

Seems like you guys
always argue...

And now I'm just stuck
on a rhyme for "argue."

Bargue, sargue, fargue...

- Burt: Largue...
- Largue... feel like I've heard that.