Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 5 - Killer Hope - full transcript

Oh, Shelly.

I told you,
if you saw bugs on her,

they're just termites.

You didn't need to put her in the flee pit.

Oh no, that's not the flee pit.

The flee pit's over there.

Hope's in time out,

she's doing a 30 minutes stretch for
hitting Jeremy.

Hitting?
That's not like her.

Why's the dog in time out?

Rape.



Oh, I know they shouldn't
sharing a cell,

but I ran out of plastic fence.

And it's not like
he raped a kid.

He raped a lamp.

He busted its bulb.

Oh, I wouldn't
worry about Hope.

She must have learned
how to fight

during her first six months
in the slammer,

'cause you should have seen her
kick Jeremy's ass.

Next time, you'll think twice
before you snatch a tinker toy

from my girl, won't you?

We don't care for Jeremy;
he's a bit difficult.

Jeremy's a fart face.

♪ Whoo! ♪



♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Birth control, no, no, no ♪

♪ Let it roll, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh... ♪

♪ Whoo! ♪

♪ Here we go, oh, oh, oh ♪

♪ Oh, oh, oh! ♪

Eat your dinner
before it melts.

Popsicles and olives?

Have we just given up?

We can't have any
food in the house

while they tent
for termites.

We're eating everything
in the fridge.

Maw Maw's been over
there an hour already.

It's like having a goat.

She hit a kid at day care.

Here we go.

I told you!

What?

Did she really hit a kid?

Yeah, she hit a kid;
kids hit kids, what?

It's starting!

What's starting?

Jimmy, you know how
those Kardashian girls

all have real big butts?

Then you look at their mother,
and she's got a big butt, too?

Hope's mother was
a serial killer.

Oh, come on! She's a baby!

John Wayne Gacy was a baby, too.

And so was Ted Bundy!

And remember Son of Sam?

At one point,
Sam was walking around going

"This is my brand-new baby."

It's not just Lucy.

This kid's grandparents are
whackjobs, too.

They're in prison for trying to
kidnap this kid!

Are they still in prison?

Yeah, I see the dad
all the time on Highway 8,

picking up trash
with the work crew.

He looks good, but who wouldn't
look good in a jumpsuit?

She just hit one kid, I'm sure
it's nothing to worry about.

Finished.

Good job, Maw Maw.

Ah.

Where's all
the refrigerator magnets?

What?

All those fruit-shaped magnets
that were on the freezer.

Uh...

If you'd like to make a call
, please hang up and kill again.

Aah!

Termites, huh?

Yep, poor little
wood-eating bastards.

They see the tent going up,

they probably think they're at
the circus.

Hey, give me those!

I'm gonna put all the baby
stuff in the storage pod.

Listen, the termite guy's gonna
turn on the gas soon.

Since I'm pretty sure nothing's
gonna happen tonight,

I think we got five minutes; we
can sneak inside for a quickie.

Even if the termite
guy catches us,

he seems very discrete.

Hey, I love doing it
in tents, too.

But since what usually
takes you five minutes

sometimes takes me ten,
I got to pass.

All right.

So, you put all the furniture
the same way it was

in the house.
What that really necessary?

Since we're gonna be sleeping
out here for two nights,

I didn't want Maw Maw
to get confused.

Even on her normal nights, she might
accidentally pee in the hamper.

I'm heading to work.

Uh, there's something I need
to do first.

I'll see you.

So, where do we go
to the bathroom?

Where you always go.

The bathroom!

Damn it, Burt!
That's my good bucket!

Not anymore!

My... slipper's running away!

Can I help you?

Uh, I need to talk
to one of the prisoners?

He's my daughter's grandfather.

The guy with the pigtails.

Take off, son.

In here, he's
nobody's grandfather.

Go on! Get!

Hey! Dale!

Oh, hey, Jimmy, hi.

- How you doing?
- Not so good.

I'm in jail, and
as you can see by my hairstyle

I've had to make
a few compromises

in order to ensure my safety.

Hello again.

How-how's Hope?

Good, good. Hey, I was wondering
if I could ask you a question.

Well sure, you...

Hey!
When Lucy was Hope's age,

- did she hit other kids?
- Yeah.

Then around two years old,
she started biting.

And right around three,
she graduated to light stabbing.

Thanks, that's all I needed!

James, what are you doing?

I don't know, making an animal.

That's a cat. People are going
to think that's cat meat.

That's 90% beef; make a cow.

Sorry.

Guys, what if my parents are
right?

I mean, Lucy hit kids, too.

What if this is the start

of Hope turning into
a serial killer?

That's crazy; just 'cause
Hope's mom stabbed somebody.

And shot someone.
And strangled someone.

And poisoned someone.

Okay, we all watched the Geraldo
special,

what's your point?

That nurture is more
important than nature.

I mean, how you raise her
is gonna make her who she is.

Sabrina's right;
nurture is everything.

My parents were lesbians,
but I'm not a lesbian.

I do like
women, though.

Oh, tricky math
on this one.

But I love my parents.

My dad always pushed me hard to
become an Olympic gymnast.

I never made it to the Olympics,
but hey...

My point is, kids react to the
environment they're raised in.

Hope will be fine.

Plus, it's not like
she's been exposed

to a lot of violence or
conflict, right?

You burnt the toast again?!

You have to stop being
distracted by the TV!

I'm sorry! That commercial

for Crazy Michael's
Appliance Store was on

and I can't decide
if he's an actor

or if he's really
crazy... I'm mesmerized!

Stop it!

Oh! My battery's
dead again.

Have you been using my
headlights

to practice your stupid shadow
puppets?

Stupid? I found a great one last
night.

What's that look like to you?

It looks like an idiot who keeps
leaving my headlights on.

Wrong! Moose antlers!

Oh, damn it, Jimmy!

You're a grown man.

When are you gonna stop
spilling drinks?

Ow!

Ow.
Ow!

I got to go.

James?

Can I get three pounds
of the cat?

So, no more arguing,
no more fighting.

Nothing.

Look, Jimmy, I'm all
for making sure

she doesn't murder
us one day.

But why
worry now?

She's still got that
big soft spot on her head.

It's like
an emergency kill switch.

You know what
babies are like.

One day they're crawling,
next day they're walking.

One day they can't even use
a spoon.

The next day,
they're stabbing you.

He's right.

She can walk now,
she can pick stuff up.

Those are
the two most important things

you need to know how to do
to kill somebody.

As long as we show her that
people should be kind,

keep everything peaceful,
and don't raise our voices...

I think we'll be okay.

We can't let our guard down.

I love her, but I'm gonna sleep
with one eye open

till she moves out
of this house.

And in this family, that could
be a long, long time.

Virginia!

Did you bring my guitar out
like I asked?

No, I was going to,
but that

Crazy Mike commercial
came on, and I got sucked in.

I swear, if
that guy doesn't

really have Tourette's, he's
freaking DeNiro. Virginia!

I told you I wanted to play

around the campfire!
I can't believe this!

Shh!

Okey-dokey!

I'll go get it!

Whoa-whoah! You're not
going in there, are you?

What about
the chemicals?

I'll hold my breath
and close my eyes.

It'll be like
eating Indian food.

I got it!

That's a lamp.

What did I go in there for?

A guitar.

♪ There's a skeeter
on my peter ♪

♪ Get it off ♪

♪ There's a dozen
on my cousin ♪

♪ You can hear the
suckers buzzin' ♪

I could get used
to a world without roofs.

I love the fresh air.

And I hate roofers.

Rain!

Burt, did you check the weather?

No, I did not.

Hey!

I put everything I could

into the car, just
to make room in here.

My pickup has the clothes,
Jimmy's van has the food.

And Virginia's got
junk in her trunk.

Hey! Junk in the trunk!

I just got that.

You good,
Maw Maw?

Train travel... it's
the only way to see America.

Okay, well... we're
going through a tunnel!

Okay, well, I'm
going out to the van

to get some food.

It's pretty dark
out there.

So, for dinner tonight we're
either having flank steak,

or floormats.

So come on down...

Do any of you butt lumps need
a damn clock radio?

I need one,
I need at least three!

- I need three to control my mind!
- Whoo!

♪ Clock radio!♪

Want to buy a DVD?

Ron Paul for President.

What are you?

Living in these pods
isn't so bad.

I wonder what poor people do
when their houses get tented

and they have no place to live.

This is what poor people do;
we're poor.

Still, it's not so bad.

Aah!

Oh, crap!

Whoo-whoo-whoo!

Whoo!

Whoo-whoo!

Whoah!

Whoah, yourself, sock-burner!

Sorry, I got distracted
by the neighbor's TV.

Aw, you're always
doing that!

It's like you have ADD.

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey...

Not in front
of the anger sponge.

Look at us,
being affectionate.

and not murdering each other.

This is the norm.

Ow.

Where you going?

Going to the gas
station to potty.

Just try the bucket chair,
just to say you did it.

Why would I want
to say that?

Got to go, got to go,
got to go-go-go.

Got to go, got to go, got to go!

Got to go! Got to go! Got to go!

Okay, I'm gonna go.

I'm going.

No, no, no.

No! No! Aah!

Did you leave the lights
on in my car last night?

Uh, maybe.

Damn it! The battery's dead

and the other cars are
too full to drive!

Ah, dat, dat, dat...
Baby's awake.

- Hey, hon!
- Hi, pumpkin!

Ah, oooh.

Ahh...

Boo-ya!

Take a picture,
it'll last longer!

Hey!

Wait! Hey, you!

Technically, with my head just
over the steering wheel,

I can see a good part of the
side view mirror

from the reflection
in my windshield

that was reflecting
off the empty aquarium

in the passenger seat.

You need an unobstructed view.

And did I mention
the reflection in the aquarium?

Look, if you want to live out of
your van, that's your business.

But don't drive it around.

I don't live in the van.

Actually, currently I live in
the storage pod,

which is a funny story.

Because I have
termites, and...

You're still writing me
that ticket.

Okay, well, that is good

because it gives
me another chance

to practice my maturity and my
ability to not get mad,

even though I am now
very late for work.

So...

thank you, all's dandy!

♪ Pressure, pushing down on me ♪

♪ Pressing down on you, no man
ask for, under pressure ♪

♪ That brings a building down ♪

♪ Splits a family in two,
puts people on streets ♪

♪ Um ba ba be, um ba ba be... ♪

Two hundred dollars?!

Where the hell am I going to get
that kind of money, man?

I mean...
I pay for food when I get hungry!

I don't just get to go to the
restaurant and eat for free

because of some stupid badge on
my shirt!

Say what you want about me,

but please don't
disrespect the badge.

Why don't you use your badge to
catch some real criminals?

You idiot! You ridiculous,
stupid idiot!

Sir, pick that up, or I'll have
to cite you for littering.

Littering? Seriously?
You want to see littering?

I'm gonna make it rain, bitch!

Whoo! How you gonna give a
ticket without your ticket book?

You stupid beeaaa...

Well, I can't reach my parents,

but, uh, my friend says she can
pick me up around dinner.

So, do I just sit
around here all day?

Oh, no.
Since the state budget cuts,

no one gets to just sit around.

You know, I'm just glad Hope
wasn't there to see it.

I really lost my temper.

Right, you never want to
let a child see you upset.

Exactly. That's a whole thing
we're working on at the house.

Well, kudos. We made a point
never to argue in front of Lucy.

Really? You
never argued?

I figured you
guys argued a lot

and that's what
made Lucy violent.

Hey, ese, I found
your underwear.

It's very important
for a child's environment

that the role models
around them

make a consistent and
conspicuous effort

to keep calm.

That's right, you
don't wear underwear.

'Cause you're
a baby!

And here's your
dirty diaper.

That's it!
I'm done!

Race war!

Hit him, not me, estupido!

And then he says,
they never argued

at all around Lucy, and
she wasn't allowed

to argue, either.

Which is probably why,
later in life,

when she had a conflict with
someone,

she stuck an ice-pick
in their eye.

- And neck.
- And ear.

Man, I wish we'd taped that
Geraldo special.

But the point is,

- you have to let off steam.
- Right.

It's like when you stick a cork

in one of those cartoon
tea-kettles.

Yes. You get fat, red,
angry and explode.

I mean, that's what happened
to me today.

If we're not careful,
it'll happen to all of us.

Actually, I had a little bit
of an incident myself today.

I might've lost my temper
a little today, too.

I want a fish dog.

No onions, extra pickle.

Onions and pickle.

No onions. Extra pickle.

On a fish dog.

Extra pickle. No onions. Hm?

Ah.

Huh.

No onions, extra pickles?

Virginia, I think I got yours!

Yeah, I was embarrassed,
but at the same time,

I was pretty impressed that I
still fit

through the drive-thru window.

It's not that impressive,
considering the first time

you did it, you were
pregnant with Jimmy.

You put any four people
in a house together,

and they're gonna argue
a little.

When you throw in the fact that
they do stupid things,

over and over again,

they're gonna argue a lot.

But the good thing about
arguing is it lets you get out

all the bad so you can make
room for the good.

It's not that important whether
or not you get mad,

'cause you're probably gonna.

What's important is what you do
afterwards.

So, you're gonna see us argue
from time to time.

But you're also gonna see
us laugh.

'Cause a lot of families might
argue less than we do,

but no family laughs more
than we do.

And don't worry about all that
serial killer stuff.

I don't think, deep down,
anyone really thinks

that you're gonna kill us.

Did you lock
the bedroom door?

Damn right,
I did.