Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 4 - Henderson, Nevada-Adjacent, Baby! Henderson, Nevada-Adjacent! - full transcript

Virginia!

Your cousin Delilah sent you
a cardboard chicken!

Damn.

Chickens with DVDs
inside of 'em.

Technology's moving
too fast for me.

Well, here we go.

America's ugliest home videos.

Hear ye, hear ye!

There's gonna be a grand ball,

because this princess

has finally found
her Prince Charming.



No we are sparing no expenses
since my Air Force officer

just got a big fat bonus for...

well, I can't tell you why,

but let's just say the Israelis
are gonna get blamed for it.

Now, I know
not all of you have the money

to fly to Las Vegas.

Especially my cousin Virginia.

Although I don't know
why people just can't fly

Southwest since
their fares are so low.

Virginia, maybe you could sneak
into someone's suitcase

since on Southwest,
bags fly for free.

Birds!

're not to Veg.

Delilah only invited us



to her wedding
for the same reason

she used to invite me
to all her parties.

Just to humiliate me.

Oh, I just love it!

I want to thank you all
so much for the amazing gifts.

I love these new clothes.

And my cousin Ginny
should thank you, too,

'cause she gets all my old ones,
'cause she's poor.

Now, who's ready to dance?!

Yeah, but you're kids then.
You can handle her now.

I don't care.
We're not going to that wedding.

I hate her, plus,
you're addicteto gambling.

Really? Are you...
addicted to gambling?

No, but pantly
Virginia's addicted

to making me look bad
in front of company.

We're not going.

You said you always
wanted to see Paris.

They got one there.

Wyatt went to Vegas once.

When he got back, he wouldn't
tell me anything about his trip.

He just kept saying,

"What happens in Vegas
stays in Vegas."

Cool. What happens
in Vegas stays in Vegas,

because wild things happen there

that you wouldn't want people
to know about.

That's clever.

You know what?

I would love to do something in
Vegas that has to stay in Vegas.

Then I could say it to him.

- You could come with me.
- You gonna go?

I didn't really think
you were the Vegas type.

That's because you only
really know Daddy Jimmy.

You don't know
"sex in the back

of my van
with a serial killer Jimmy."

I used to be a
wild man before

this little ball-and-chain came

and threw a wet blanket
on my party fire.

Oh.

She is cute, though, isn't she?

Oh, Daddy can't
do nothing anymore

now you came along,
you little cutie patootie.

You need to party.

Oh, I do.

I'm starting to think I should
go to Vegas for the wedding.

I mean, the magic eight ball
says, "Ask me later,"

but I don't have time for that.

Oh, yeah, you can't be
on the eight ball schedule.

You got to live your life.

If I don't go, Delilah wins.

She'll always have
the satisfaction

of knowing that she shamed me
into staying away, right?

Right. Yes.
Yes! We are going...

Or maybe not. Maybe
I'm overthinking it.

I think I am.
I think I'm overthinking it.

No. I'm not going.

Never mind.

Wow. What a dream.

I dreamt the donkey
from Shrek said

I shouldn't go
to the wedding.

But then, naked
Obama said

I have to go,
or else Delilah wins.

So, we're going?

Not you.
Obama says I should go to Vegas.

He says you should stay home
'cause of your gambling problem.

Aw, you told him, too?

Well, I had to make small talk.

He was naked.

It was awkward.

Well, it took three hours,

but the Ouija board just more or
less spelled out the following

"Delilah is going
to be flaunting

"her new husband in front of me
without you there.

"She'll probably think
our marriage is in trouble,

"since I can't tell her
you stayed home

because of a gambling problem."

I mean, I had
to fill in the blanks,

but that's the gist of it.

Anyway, you have
to come with me.

But you're not allowed
to carry any cash.

Ouija says I hold the money.

We are going to Vegas.

Sorry. Dropping off
Maw Maw and Hope

at Shelley's took
longer than I though

Shelley was in the
middle of shooting

this internet video tutorial on
how to change a colostomy bag.

Really makes you appreciate
having an anus.

I am ready for fun of Vegas clubs

and dancing with high rollers.

I have special alter ego named
Natasha for Las Vegas wild time.

Okay. I...

I was just gonna be Jimmy.

You will be Jimmy, who has
mail-order bride from Russia,

who is also possibly spy.

Hey, guys,
notice anything different?

Do you,
uh... uh...?

Mm, nope.

New hair clip?

Good. I did a little spray tan,
but I tried to keep it subtle.

Look at it.

It's beautiful and sparkling.

Like what I always imagined

Cher's living room
would look like.

Check out the cool moves

on those handsome
capitalist bartenders.

Wait a minute.

Something's different about you.

What happened to your tan?

Oh, that stupid cheap
tan spray washed off.

I had to leave a
note for the maid

explaining why the bottom
of the shower was brown.

Whoa, people tip big here.

Guy just gave
that waitress ten bucks.

Ooh.

Don't order drinks
from the waitresses.

We don't have to.

We have all those
free bottles of booze

in that little
refrigerator in our room.

Virginia!

Burt! I'm looking
down on you.

So is probably everyone else
around you.

Hey, I'll be right down.

O.M. Ginny, you're here!

No way!

This is just
a wonderful surprise.

How the heck did you
pay for plane tickets?

Took the bus.

A flying bus,
which is what we call planes.

It's a regional term.

Well, whatever lie you want
to go with is fine with me.

I am just so glad you're here.

Are you kidding? After all these
years of waiting and waiting

for someone to ask you.

Nothing could keep me
from your wedding,

unless I died of old age
before it happened.

Well, by looking
at your crow's-feet,

we were cutting it pretty close.

Tomorrow is gonna
be so incredible.

Just like we used
to dream about as kids.

And I'm gonna get married
in Vegas at the Rio.

I'm gonna have a beautiful
wedding dress.

Spandex, but classy.

Well, mine's gonna be
that hyper-colored material

that changes color
when you touch it,

so you can see my husband's
hot handprints on my butt.

Well, my wedding dress
is going to be bedazzled

from head-to-toe
with an eight-foot train.

Well, mine's gonna be beaded
with real antique Spanish coins

and have an 80-foot train,

and the back of it is gonna be
held aloft by Michael Jackson.

Now, did you
guys ever take

the timeout
to have an actual wedding

or were you too focused on your
career as a toilet scrubber?

Oh, no, we had a wedding.
It was quite a fancy affair.

You may kiss the bride.

Is this the line
for clean needle exchange?

Yes, we had
a very classy wedding.

Delilah, get over here!

The bartender says

you can't do a shot
out of his belly button.

Apparently, he's an outie.

I can make it work.

I got a trick I
can do with those.

Why did you lie
about our wedding?

Did you not like our wedding?

You never said anything
at the time.

Well, what good
would it have done?

We didn't have
any money.

Hey, cuz, we're on our way out
to my bachelorette night.

Why don't you come with us?

That sounds great.
Be right there.

Oh, you're just blowing
me off tonight?

Is this 'cause you're
mad about our wedding?

Baby, I got to go.
Otherwise, she'll be

talking trash
about me the whole time,

without me there
to defend myself.

I bet she's doing it already
right now.

Hey, I'm not a slut!

I'm not poor!

And my feet are normal-sized!

I'm sorry, baby.
I got to go.

Hey, uh, you're coming
to a bachelorette party.

No, she's not
going with you.

We're gonna have a wild night

in Vegas to get back at Wyatt.

No, I need backup.

Besides, what's more wild
than a bachelorette party?

I'm gonna go with her.

Mom's not being very nice today.

Yeah, her cousin
brings in out in her.

I think know how to
make her feel better.

We're gonna give your
mom the kind of beautiful,

fancy-pants wedding
she's always dreamed of.

- How are we gonna do that?
- We're gonna make some money.

How? I mean, you promised Mom
you weren't gonna gamble.

There's other ways
of making money in Vegas.

Okay.

Did someone order a...

...gin and tonic?

All right.

Wow.

One dollar down,
$2,499 to go.

Ok, who ordered the, uh...

...almondy-tasting
fizztery watery thing?

Looks like there's
milk in it?

Nobody?

Clean your slot screen, ma'am?

Can't win if you can't see.

We work on tips.

What happened
to the garnish tray?

Cigars?
Cigarettes?

Cheries?
Olives?

Lemon twists?

Are there any gentlemen
who care to purchase

a stirry stick for the ladies?

I think I got
that knot out.

Now, who's next?

I will do feet along
as you keep ur socks on.

Okay, okay.
I never...

let a guy
handcuff me the bed.

I have never slept
with Russian hockey team.

Ha! I lie!

I slept with them!

It was miracle on ice!

Ok, okay, okay.

I never...

got knocked up in high school.

Fine.

I never...

stole Delilah's teenage crush

and rocked his world
in the wave pool

until he forgot
she even existed!

Oh, wait.
That's me again.

Well, it certainly

didn't work out better for me,
marrying a military hero

who was the first one in

when they found where Saddam
Hussein hid the crown jewels.

Don't tell me that
war was a mistake!

Don't worry, maybe you'll
get lucky and your husband

will clean the pool
of an Iraqi dictator one day.

I can't beat her.

It's like every time
I make a joke,

she turns it into a straight
line for an even better joke.

It's like she has writers
or something.

Let's get out of here.

Excuse me.

We've had a noise complaint.

It is way too quiet in here.

Oh, my God.

The security guard
is also a stripper.

Could it get any
cheese in than...

Why can't I
stop dancing?

And it's raining,
it's raining...

and... it stops.

Thank you for
the repeat business, sir.

- How's it going?
- Decent.

I've get a regular, but his sweat
smells like shrimp scampi.

Ah, I love shrimp scampi!

How much you make?

Uh, 40 bucks.

We're never gonna get enough
for a wedding like this.

We got to kick up
our game a little.

Hey! Get down
from there!

Uh, I think it
might be time to run.

Hey, hey. Natasha is next
for freaky dance, ah?

Hey, give me your phone.

I'll bet her Air Force pilot

would be interested to see

who she's letting buzz
around her no-fly zone.

I think maybe
we should get out of here

and leave these two alone.

Hey. Hey.

Where's Virginia?

I'm want to get
my money's worth.

Now it's over.

I'm never gonna pay
for a wedding.

It was a stupid idea, anyway.

We only made 47 bucks.

Well, it was
pretty exciting, though.

When security was chasing us,
we ran up the down escalator.

That was cool.

You see that stuff
happen in movies,

but you never think it's
gonna happen to you.

Oh, great! Now you guys have a
story that has to stay in Vegas,

and the craziest thing I've done
is have red wine with fish.

That's, like, a thing
you're not supposed to...

Never mind.

I am so glad you guys are here

to witness

the greatest moment of my life.

I had to hide under

a very noisy bed
for about eight hours,

but look what I got!

Oh, wait.

There's a lot of
pictures of the wall.

I didn't realize with
which side of lenses facing.

- Oh, here they come.
- Watch this.

I'm gonna get
a wedding canceled.

I've got to get
to that waxing.

I got to turn my peach
into a nectarine.

Well, well,

well.

I am so glad to final
meet the groom!

You know,
I have some

very funny pictures
of your bride-to-be,

or not-to-be--
that is the question.

This is Howard,
the best man.

You meet the groom
last night, silly.

He's over there
paying the check.

Gosh, Virginia,
you look so shocked.

Oh, I understand...
you've never seen a husband

paying a check before,
have you?

First time
for everything.

I can't watch this.

She's having our big,

fancy wedding that we always
dreamed of as little girls.

God, she wins at everything!

I'll bet she'll even end
during our dream funeral, too,

the right stone coffin being
pull by New Kids On The Block.

Enjoy yourself.
I'm not going in.

I need you two
to do me a favor.

Not in the mood!

Come with me.

No. I'm not going in.

Trust me.
It's a surprise.

What the hell's
going on?

You're getting
your perfect wedding.

I need your ring.

Dad wasn't able to buy Mom
the wedding they never had.

We are gathered here today
to join this couple,

in blessed matrimony.

But that didn't mean
he couldn't steal it for her.

Do you take this man,
for richer or poorer,

through sickness and in health,

to have to hold
till death do you part?

I do.

I do.

Turns out you don't
always have to spend money

to give someone the day
they've always dreamed of.

You may now kiss the bride.

Ladies and gentlemen,

turn your attention
to the dance floor

to see the happy couple

in their first dance
as man and wife.

And now I'd like
to introduce

my darling husband's
best man,

a fella I would have married,

but Howard here
mashed up his who-ha

in a dirt bike accident.

They gave him a fake one,
but no thanks!

Take it away, Howie!

And I'm just so thankful
you guys found each other,

fell in love
and got pregnant with me.

Thanks, son.

It wasn't exactly
in that order, but thanks.

There will always be a wedge
between my Mom and Delilah,

but at least Mom
will never feel

like Delilah got
a better wedding because...

they got the same one.

Everything worked out great
for Mom and Dad,

but I still hadn't gotten to
see Sabrina do something crazy

Luckily, in Vegas, it's never
too late for crazy to happen.

Never.

I can't believe I never
got my something

that to stain Vegas.

Well, what about us
slow-dancing?

That was kind of crazy.

That was twice, and
it was at a wedding.

What if you did it a third time

at a rooftop bar
to an upbeat song

that really shouldn't
be slow-danced to?

Oh, that would definitely
have to stay in Vegas.

Come here.

Thanks.

What are friends for?