Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 3 - Kidnapped - full transcript

Out of all the videos of cities being
destroyed,

I'm gonna go out on a limb and say,
"this is the cutest".

Oh, you know that's probably Wyatt.

Yeah, it's right.

Supposed to be in town
for the weekend.

We're supposed to go

to dinner tonight,

but he hasn't even
told me the place yet.

Nope. Nope.

That is just a text

telling me
I have an e-mail



asking me if I would like
to continue the service

that sends me a text every
time I get an e-mail.

Oh, I got to get one
of those smartphones.

Hi.

Is Burt here?

I'm an old friend.

Uh... oh. Hey, come on in.

Yeah, I'm his son, Jimmy.

Dad's at the store,
but he'll be back soon.

He, uh, saw my daughter
in a gorilla suit

and had a craving
for bananas.

I'm Jack.

Hey. I'm Sabrina.

What's your ponytail's name?



Magnus.

Well, uh, you know,
make yourself comfortable.

Any friend of my dad's
is a friend of mine.

And, of course,
you must know my mother.

Oh!
What...

- Oh!
- Aah! Mom, what the...?

This is the man that
kidnapped your father.

Dad was kidnapped?

Not today. 20 years ago.

I may forget a face,

but I never forget

a unique hairstyle.

I love to scream!
I love to scream!

What kind of man lets
his car run out of gas?

The kind whose wife
always insists

on sticking her feet
out the window.

That's why we get four miles
to the gallon.

Oh, sure.

What about your jack
rabbit stops and starts?

What about your never checking
proper tire inflation?

'Cause I don't understand
pounds of air.

Give me some money.

I'll pay, you pump.

- $1.13?
- Yeah.

And get me half a Slim Jim.

They do that for me here.

No.

Keep an eye on that creepy guy
by the RV.

He keeps staring at Jimmy.

I want my truck!

What the hell you staring
at my kid for, hippie?

Hi there, Virginia.

Hot one out there, huh?

Of course, not as hot
as the snap

you and I had in sixth grade.

Our little movie date.

They made us watch a film
about the reproductive cycle.

And there were, like,
30 other kids there.

Plus aren't you the one
who threw up?

Did you come out
of an owl's mouth?

'Cause you are a hoot.

By the way, you look
kind of thirsty.

Guess Burt can't afford
to keep his lady hydrated.

You want a sip of my soda?
I couldn't.

Ooh, your lips say you couldn't,

but the sweat glistening
in your glorious cleavage says,

"Me want sippy-sippy."

Hey, lady. Lady.

That hippie dude pulled a gun
on your husband

and forced him in his RV.

They went that way.

Oh, my God.

Burt's been kidnapped.

So hippie weirdo here sells
your dad to a farm in Mexico

and makes him
pick cauliflower for weeks.

He finally escaped and
hitchhiked all the way home.

That's the reason your father's
always hated cauliflower.

No, I thought it was because
it's not

a real flower
and it looks like brains.

Fine, he has a lot of good
reasons to hate cauliflower.

Sabrina, Jimmy and me are going
to keep an eye on this guy.

You go get some rope and call the cops.
Will do.

How did you never tell me
Dad was kidnapped?

We didn't want you to
be afraid of strangers.

Kids are supposed to be
afraid of strangers.

Bananas.

That's what I forgot.

What, uh...
what's going on here?

It's your kidnapper.

He came back.

Oh, my God.
What... what did he...

why is he on the floor
like that?

I whacked him with the TV.

I'm getting pretty
good at it.

Oh, this is bad.
This is really bad.

Burt, it's okay.

Sabrina's getting rope
and calling the cops.

No, no, no cops!

Virginia, they'll throw you
in jail for...

for hitting him on the head.

What are you talking about?

He's the one
who's going to jail.

Yeah, he kidnapped you.

He didn't kidnap me.

Wait. Did you say "didn't?"

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

What do you mean,
he didn't kidnap you?

Well, kind of exactly
what it sounds like.

What the hell you staring
at my kid for, hippie?

Dude, I'm checking
out your cool car.

I'm a big car fan.

It's a '63 Ford Galaxie, right?

Yeah.

That's a cool
ponytail.

Six years,
eight months, right?

On Tuesday.

Burt Chance.

I'm a big hair fan.

Drink as much
as you like.

I get unlimited
refills.

And, uh, I give
unlimited refills as a lover.

Wow.

No responsibilities.

You just drive
around in your RV,

and you do
whatever you want.

That is so cool.

Yeah, I just got back
from seeing

the world's
largest thermometer.

I always wanted
to see that.

But I never got the chance.

I went from being stuck
in my parents' house

to being stuck in my
Maw Maw-in-law's house.

I guess I'll never
get to see

the world's
largest anything.

Unless that's the world's
largest ponytail.

Nah, there's a guy in Tucson
who's got three more inches.

Damn it.

- You could come with me.
- What?

I'm just saying, if things
are as bad as they looked,

maybe your wife would be
better off without you.

Burt!

You put back the stupid milk
with one sip left!

Burt! God.

Your stupid leg
is on my leg.

Burt, you left the stupid
toilet seat up!

Well, I don't think my wife
would miss me much, but...

I don't know.

I got a kid.

I don't know how the
little guy would feel

if his old man just up
and took off on him.

Let's do this.

I told that kid
to make up a story

about me being kidnapped.

We headed out on the open road.

No wife, no kid,
no responsibilities.

Just me,
a dude with a ponytail

whose name I had already
forgotten, and our dreams.

For the first time, I only had
to worry about feeding myself.

And Jack always knew
how to find amazing food.

Sweet.

Someone ate the "B", but they
left the "L" and the "T."

Entertainment was no problem

'cause Jack had
a universal remote.

At home, we always had
to watch Jimmy's cartoons.

I never got to watch
my cartoons.

To earn beer money,
we sold our blood.

And because we had less blood,
it took less beer to get drunk.

And I finally got
to see the world.

For the first time in my life,

I was living by my rules,
doing whatever I wanted.

I was free.

Things were awesome.

Until this happened.

What the hell is going on?

Nothing.

I was just kissing you
a little.

Why? Why? Why were you
just kissing me a little?

'Cause I felt
like doing some kissing.

It was no big deal.

Don't you ever feel
like doing some kissing?

Yeah, but not with dudes.

I'm not into dudes, dude.

Me, neither.

But you know what?

It's just the two of us,
and the road does get lonely.

So just seems logical

that we would
pretend to be girls.

That doesn't sound
logical to me.

Look, we're both straight.

We're just two
straight guys kissing,

thinking about girls.

How about this?

How about you go find a girl?

Dude, we live in an RV.

We eat leftovers out
of hotel hallways.

That's... I mean, there aren't
going to be any girls.

Girls.

That was when I realized

that while this had been
a nice vacation,

it wasn't the life for me.

As much as I loved
the freedom and the fun...

I missed my girl.

Burt! You're alive.

You're not yelling.

Why are you
not yelling?

Yeah, Mom. Yell at him.

Or hit him.

Or spit at me!

Isn't that the way you like
to handle things, Jimmy?

I was four!

I cannot believe
that you abandoned me.

You know, maybe... maybe that's
what scarred me for life.

Maybe that's why
I never left home.

Because, deep down, I knew
I had to be there for Mom.

Thanks, Jimmy,
but you're free to go anytime.

You're really
not mad.

No, I'm...
I'm actually relieved.

Well, I guess
I can see that.

You've probably been holding
onto a lot of fear and trauma

from me being kidnapped, and
now you can let all that go.

No, I...
I'm relieved because...

now I can tell you my secret.

Oh!

Sorry. Sorry.

That's probably Wyatt
with the name of the restaurant.

Nope. It's just my mom.

Oh, sorry.
You had a secret.

What do you mean
you have a secret, too?

Okay, don't be mad.

Here's the thing...

When you got kidnapped,
I was a mess.

So, Burt seemed like
a fairly simple guy.

I don't suppose he
had any enemies?

He, he could go on some pretty
angry rants about cable TV.

You don't think it could be
a cable worker, do you?

I don't know. But obviously,
we're dealing with

an armed and
dangerous criminal.

So, it's probably best that
I guard the house overnight.

Damn right you will.

Oh, and if you need any pajamas,

you can borrow Burt's.

Or, or Jimmy's.

We'll figure out something.

For two weeks,

I clung to the hope

that you would somehow get away
or at least find a way to call.

Hey. Just got an update.

There's no sign
of Burt anywhere.

But as each day passed by,

Ross pointed out that the odds
of me ever seeing you again

got smaller and smaller.

And eventually I started
to get used to the fact

that you weren't coming back.

After a couple of weeks,

you not being here
became our new normal.

Is this jelly on here?

Why didn't you use
the maple syrup?

Oh, top shelf?

Yeah, top shelf.

You need to face facts:

that deadbeat husband of yours

is never coming back.

And you need a man.

That Ross isn't going to keep
trying forever to win you over.

As soon as that police
department needs someone

to crawl through a small
opening, he'll be gone.

I'm willing to
climb for you.

Maybe it was time to move on.

And the more I paid
attention, the more I saw

how different things
were with Ross here.

We were nicer,
more cooperative.

Like poor white Cosbys.

And I never realized
how sexy it was,

living with a man who leaves
more milk in the carton

than on his shirt.

Plus it was nice not having to
worry about a splash landing

every time I used the toilet.

I could even see some pluses
to sleeping with a guy

who took up less room on the
bed than a cocker spaniel.

Oh. Hi.

Sorry, Virginia.
Thought I heard a noise.

Came in to check, and I guess
I must've fallen asleep.

And it wasn't just me.

Jimmy was way more relaxed.

He got along better with Ross
than he ever did with Burt.

And the tiny knight?

He saved the queen
and the young prince,

and swept them away
to live with him

in his three-bedroom,
end-unit castle,

with below-ground parking!

And there, they drank
unlimited fizzy pop,

and played ping-pong
happily ever after.

The end.

Good night.

I give up.

The three sweetest words
in the English language.

You and your mom are going
to love living with me.

Ping-pong!

That was just
elaboration for the story,

but I do have
some fizzy pop.

I have some suitcases
you could use.

I'll go grab them.
Oh!

I'm going to make you the
happiest woman on Earth.

Burt!

You're alive!

Well, you know about my
never say die attitude.

Well... yeah...

That's basically it.

I'll fill in the rest later.

I need a shower.

Hey, little fella,
what are you doing here?

Oh, um... Ross has just
been staying here

in case the kidnappers called.

Oh...

Well, you can leave now.

Thanks.

You're not really going to
stay with that loser, are you?

V-Virginia, come on, please.

I'll cook, I'll clean,
I'll put the toilet seat down.

I'm a great role
model for your son.

You're just so short.

I can't believe while I was
possibly being kidnapped

and possibly being forced
into white slavery,

you were playing house
with the guy in health class

who threw up watching
You and Your Fluids.

That puker

stepped up and took
care of your family

while you were out swapping
spit with a drifter.

It was a closed-mouth kiss.

No spit was swapped.

Yours is worse.

Excuse me.

Why do you people keep
hitting me in the head?

I'm sorry, that
was my fault.

It's kind of
my go-to thing.

Here, put this on it.

I guess I probably deserve it.

Every time I go past the
world's largest confessional,

I try to clear my conscience,
but I just can't shake

the awful thing
I did to your family.

What awful thing?

Well, I promised your old lady
that I'd never tell, but

I figure after 20 years she's
long been dead, so...

What old lady?

I think her name was, uh...

That hippie talks too damn much.

I ain't telling.
You can't make me.

Make you?

You were already in
the middle of telling us.

- I was?
- Yeah.

Oh.

Okay, then.

Where was I?

The beginning.

Of course.

Uh...

I never liked Burt very much.

And since it was painfully
clear that Virginia and her kid

weren't going anywhere,
I had to at least try to

get Burt out of the picture.

So I did whatever I could
to cause a little friction.

Burt! God!

Your stupid leg
is on my leg!

Oh, my...

I even got the kid
hopped up on sugar

so he'd be a hyperactive
pain in the ass.

But no matter what I did,

I couldn't separate
Mr. and Mrs. Freeloader.

So I came up with
my master plan.

I hired a drifter to convince
Burt to run away with him.

Luckily, all the man
wanted in return

was to do a little kissing.

Then I just had
to make sure that Burt

would want to
run away that day.

So I siphoned the gas
out of the tank...

which was disgusting,

but did get the taste of
drifter out of my mouth.

And I gave Jimmy as much sugar

as his tiny little
heart could handle.

I knew by the time
you met up with Jack

you'd be ready to rip
each other's throats out.

Then Burt here
threw me a curveball

by faking the whole
kidnapping thing.

I saw an opportunity when
Officer Wyatt Twerp showed up.

I trained Ross to know how
to keep Virginia happier

than she was with Burt.

- I even cut all
- Jimmy's sugar out

so he'd seem
calmer around Ross.

It was all going great...

until Burt came back.

If you weren't 85
and I wasn't afraid

you'd win the fight,
I'd take a swing at you.

Burt, don't. She'll win.

I can't believe you tried
to break up Mom and Dad.

I never stopped.

I smear my lipstick
on Burt's collar.

I've been writing Virginia's
name on bathroom walls

so random guys will call.

I'm the one who never flushes.

I told you I was framed.

Wow.

She's been trying to
break you guys up

for 20 years, and
you're still together.

That's amazing.

It sure is.

Ew.

Eventually the
police showed up,

but thanks to Jack's kind
nature and mild concussion,

he didn't want to
press charges.

So, you just drive
around in your RV

and do whatever you want?

Yeah, I just got
back from seeing

the world's smallest horse.

I've always wanted
to see that.

There's plenty of
room in the RV.

Maw Maw tried to
break up Mom and Dad.

But when two people are
meant to be together,

there's nothing you
can do to tear them apart.

But when two people are
not meant to be together,

it's got to be
a lot easier.

Hey. Did I just hear my phone?
Um...

I didn't hear anything.

Oh...

I can't believe Wyatt
hasn't texted me yet.

You know what? Screw him.

You want to go get some food?

Sure.

How about Mr. Chow's?

Uh... I was thinking Italian.