Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 2, Episode 2 - Sabrina Has Money - full transcript
Burt accidentally discovers that Sabrina's father Cap is really rich and tells the home front. They now hope to 'coach' her into sharing some of the Collins wealth, but she replies to have chosen to earn her own, modest income at the supermarket, an insane waste beyond the needy, greedy Chances' comprehension. Eager for rich friends, Jimmy convinces her to take him and his parents along to her sister's engagement party. Cap takes to Jimmy, who sides with him against her petty class struggle insults. As a reward, he sends a Japanese smart toilet like Virginia adores, but that causes marital tension, like Virginia's new taste for lobster, which hurts Burt's pride and budget.
Hello!
Hello!
Please don't kill me.
I just have to go
to the bathroom,
and the toilet
in our home is broken.
Why you not just say so, mon?
'Cause you were waving that
skinny sword in my face.
And I know that the clients
sometimes don't like
the outside help
to use inside stuff.
Is that Sabrina?
Oh, my God.
Is this guy sleeping
with this girl?
I Hope not...
That's his daughter.
Oh, this apple
tastes like plastic.
It is plastic, maw maw!
Oh! That's one of Hope's toys.
Is it too much to ask the kid to
keep her toy food off the floor?
How am I supposed
to tell
what's real food
and what's fake?
How about you just don't
eat food off the floor?
Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?
Hey, check this out.
I picked this up
from my new rich client.
That's her father.
Sabrina's rich.
That must be why she knows
so much about cheese.
Hey!
Sabrina is gonna join us
for dinner.
You guys ordered enough pizza,
right?
Oh, yeah, tons.
That'll be great.
Oh, yeah, sounds
great. Fun.
What's this?
Our toilet's broken.
For a while
we thought it was
low-flow,
but then it turned
out to be no-flow.
Oh, well, I'm happy
to kick in what I can.
Oh, I'll go get her.
Jimmy, look at this picture.
Whoa.
Where'd you get that?
Her dad's a new client.
She's just pretending
to be lower, lower, lower
middle class just like us.
Hey, what if she's
a rich actress
and she's doing research on
how to play a poor person?
Nah, she's too short
to be an actress.
Look, whatever her reasons are,
we should just respect them.
If we ask, it'll just make
things uncomfortable and weird.
What's weird?
Al Yankovic.
Pizza's here.
Hey, aren't you my gas man?
During the day I am.
I got 14 kids.
Oh, bingo!
Found another quarter.
Where are we, Tyler?
That puts you up
to ten dollars and 18 cents,
so you still need $2.68.
That's excluding tip,
which I assume you will be.
It's too bad we don't
have a credit card.
This would be a good time for
one of us to have a credit card.
How much do we save
if we lose the sausage?
Buck and a half.
Lose the sausage.
Getting your sausage
repossessed. Whew.
I bet rich people never have
to feel that sting.
You should just take some money
out of your new toilet jar.
You're saying we should take
the money we're saving
for a new toilet
and spend it on pizza?
Yeah, okay.
I guess
we could do that.
Or, and this is just
a suggestion, but maybe
you could pay for it
since you're rich.
That's right, we
know you're rich.
I bet you could use your fancy
gold credit card with a limit
of a thousand dollars and buy
all the pizzas in Natesville!
You were right.
This is uncomfortable
and weird.
Okay, first of all,
I do not have money.
My family does.
What happened,
did daddy cut you off?
Were you doing heroin?
What? We don't know
how deep this lie goes.
I cut myself off.
I'd would rather live like crap
on money that I earned myself
than live like a princess
on money
that somebody else gave me.
That is the dumbest thing
I ever heard.
Money you don't
have to work for
is the best kind.
It's like getting paid
for not having a job.
It's the best kind of job
not to have.
Well, that explains why
we've never met your family.
You're embarrassed by us.
No, no!
If anything, I'm embarrassed
of my family.
You really expect us to believe
that you're more embarrassed
of your family
than you are by us?
We don't have a pot to pee in.
Actually, I do.
It's in the garage.
Okay, we have one pot
to pee in. Either way...
- I have two. The other one's in the truck.
- See what I mean?
There's no way you
cannot be embarrassed by us.
Fine. If you think I'm hiding
you from my family,
I will take you to meet
my father tomorrow.
- Deal.
- No time for dry cleaning.
Get your church clothes
and the febreze
and meet me in the backyard.
Pull!
Sabrina!
Hey, baby.
Daddy, this is my friend, Jimmy,
and his daughter, Hope,
and his parents,
Burt and Virginia.
Oh, it's nice to meet you.
Cap Collins.
How are you? Hi.
Daddy, are you shooting
mom's favorite China again?
She's traveling the world
with half my money.
I should at least get to do
something fun, huh?
Mackenzie, gravy boat.
Pull!
Bitch loved her gravy.
Here, honey, break this
for me, would you?
There you go.
This is quite a house.
$6.3 million.
Nobody asked how much it cost.
It's impolite
to talk about money.
No, baby, it's impolite to ask
about money.
That's why I tell people,
so they won't be impolite
by asking, huh?
You know what would be fun?
Shooting this China with
the gun that killed Lincoln.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
You see?
He's embarrassing.
All he wants
to talk about is money.
I'd talk about money, too,
if I had as much as he does.
Me, too.
I'd take it out,
I'd wave it around,
I'd staple it
to my forehead...
Whatever's fun.
Lobster?
Thank you.
Never had lobster before.
Mmm.
I found my new favorite food.
Sayonara, chipwich.
Mmm.
You got a little bit
of sauce on your shirt.
Oh, stink.
Oh, oh, no,
you know what?
We got a bathroom if you want to
just go ahead and rinse that off.
Oh, no, I'm just
getting the taste out.
Lobster doesn't grow on trees.
I think.
Who knows what goes on
under the sea?
I'll help you.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Sabrina...
Don't forget your sister's
party is Saturday.
Here, please buy
something nice to wear.
You should come,
too, Jimmy.
Bring Hope.
Sabrina's sister, Susan, has
a daughter about the same age.
I'm sure they'll hit it off.
Sounds great,
thank you.
Ah, why are you
so reluctant
to let me show you
that I love you?
We are not going to
that party, Jimmy.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun, and besides,
I like the idea of Hope
having wealthy friends.
She'll get
all their old clothes
and she'll learn about
the stuff rich people do,
like yachting and how
valet parking works.
Please don't guilt
me into this.
All my snobby high school
friends are going to be there.
Look, maybe you hate
being around rich people,
but I deserve the chance
to learn to hate them, too,
and so does Hope.
This is so warm.
You could cook on this.
And it shoots water up
for cleaning.
Cleaning what?
Oh.
But then don't
you get all...?
Oh!
Yeah, I got that in Japan...
The toilet of the future.
That thing is so comfortable,
I started to pee sitting down.
Our old toilet made me want
to pee standing up.
Well, this cost $2,000.
Well, we're in the market
for a new toilet,
but our cars don't cost
that much.
Our cars don't smell
this good either.
What is that?
Jasmine.
Has an air freshener.
Ah.
Ah.
Those Japanese know
how to live.
Mmm.
Remember, rich people don't
like to hear the word no,
and since that's the
only word you know,
best just keep
it zipped.
And FYI, when
you hide behind a piece
of furniture,
people know you're pooping.
Guys, easy.
She doesn't understand
what you're saying.
Yes, she does,
she's at that age
where she understands
everything.
Her tongue hasn't grown
into her head yet.
That's why she
can't talk so good.
She'll be fine.
It's me I'm worried about.
How do I look?
Well, I wouldn't say
you're classically handsome,
but you're kind of attractive
in an offbeat kind of way.
I meant the clothes.
They're fine, but don't
do anything stupid.
If they serve filet "miggnon,"
then don't ask for ketchup;
ask for steak sauce.
This party could be all of our
tickets to champagne wishes
and caviar dreams.
"Dear Virginia and Burt,
"please accept this
toilet as a gift.
"It was flown business class
all the way from Japan.
"I'm told sitting next to
it, was Mr. Barry Bonds.
Enjoy,
cap Collins."
Who gives someone
a $2,000 toilet as a gift?
Rich people, that's who.
Do not screw this up.
You understand me, don't you?
She understands me.
Sissy!
I am so glad you made it.
Ooh...
It's gonna
be so much fun.
Yeah, it's very nice of you to
let daddy throw you this party.
It gives him a chance
to hit on all our friends.
What has two thumbs,
a net worth of almost
$20 million,
and wants to have sex with you?
This guy, right here.
- And who is this cutie?
- This is Hope.
It just so happens I have a
little girl about the same age
in the family room
watching yo gabba gabba.
Oh, that's great. Yo gabba gabba
is Hope's favorite show.
Those are the real
yo gabba gabba guys.
We don't allow
Madison to watch TV,
but daddy gave a million dollars
to Muno's favorite charity,
so they stop by
once in a while.
Honey. I got a surprise for you.
It's breakfast for dinner.
A sausage log cabin
with a waffle roof.
I want my old toilet back.
This one is better.
Burt, I'm sorry,
I'm trying to get maw maw
to try the new toilet.
Wrap mine up.
I'll eat it in the morning.
No, maw maw, you cannot
go in the tub.
I can't hold it any longer!
Then get on the new toilet!
But if you eat it in the morning
it won't be
breakfast for dinner.
Stop pushing me!
It'll be
leftover-breakfast-for-dinner
for breakfast.
That's not special.
You can't make me...
Oh...
It's glorious.
So warm.
Permission to increase my fiber.
See? Isn't it nice?
You wouldn't believe
this guy's house.
And get this, he
served us lobster.
Fancy.
And it's not like he
knew we were coming over, either.
He just had lobster,
ready to eat.
On a Thursday.
My wife developed a taste
for the good life.
I need the biggest lobster
this toilet money can buy.
Sorry, Mr. Pinchers,
but my marriage is on the line.
Don't worry, though,
it's going to be a fair fight.
I'll boil the water,
I'll take those rubber bands
off your claws,
and whoever winds up in the pot,
winds up in the pot.
So, Jimmy,
what do you think about
the current
economic situation?
Oh, uh, don't get me started
on that economic situation.
I'm just worried about
what's going on in Greece.
I mean, it's gonna
affect the euro.
I think it's pronounced gyro.
No?
So funny.
Where is Sabrina?
Come on, Virginia. You going
to stay in there all night?
I'm not going to the bathroom.
It's just so comfortable
I'm sitting here
while I paint my nails.
Oh, stupid baby.
Left one of her food toys
in the kitchen again.
Just come to the kitchen
and eat something.
Think of it as an investment
for more time in there later.
Be out in a second.
One more toenail,
one more lady-rinse,
and I'll be good to go.
Ow!
Damn it, Mr. Pinchers.
Not cool.
Nice going, Pinchers.
Uh, don't give me that look.
You know what you did.
It's not his fault.
You're the one
that brought a ferocious
sea creature into the house.
Since when do we pay
a hundred dollars
for food that can bite back?
Since you had lobster
on a Thursday at Cap's house!
Now suddenly
you're some society lady
spending all day sitting
on a luxury crapper!
Burt...
Are you jealous of the toilet?
Of course I am!
You love it!
But not as much as I love you.
I mean... just 'cause it can
detect a urinary tract infection
and e-mail your doctor...
You know what?
Sabrina was right.
It's better to crap
on something you earned
than to feel crappy on something
you didn't work for.
Fine, fine!
We'll just sell it.
That's still no good...
We'll just end up buying
a bunch of other stuff
that I can't afford,
like more stupid lobsters!
Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?
You and ten of your cousins
running around here,
pinching everybody,
ruining everything!
I'm sorry, Mr. Pinchers,
I'm not mad at you.
You're just being a lobster.
Hey, where you been?
I need help talking
to rich people.
Oh, God, see?
I told you they're all jerks.
No, they've been completely
friendly and nice.
At least I think.
I only get about 10% of what they say,
and that's only because somehow
peanut butter came up. No,
Jimmy, I don't want to.
Come on, do it for Hope.
Eh.
But we can't wait to do
Thanksgiving in Tahoe.
Oh!
It's gonna be so much fun
to teach the kids how to ski.
Well, I can't wait to
watch your kids grow up
to enjoy snow as much
as you have, Derek.
That must be so great driving
around in that convertible
pretending like you have
a grown-up-sized penis.
Your doctor did a very good job
fixing that deviated septum.
Glad he decided to do more
work while he was at it.
Boom! Boom! Bam!
Badonkadonk!
Hey, what the hell was all that?
Oh, I know, right?
I told you they were jerks.
They were just talking
about their lives.
You were acting
like a huge jerk.
That poor guy, he had no
idea his wife wore a toupee.
Jimmy, this is just like
high school.
I just had listen to them brag
about their straight A's
and their state champion
tennis teams
and, you know,
who got in to what college.
It's, like, who cares?
Sounds like you do.
You're insecure.
Insecure?
What, about them?
Yes! I mean, that's
why you lashed out.
It's like when
my dad is
in an argument and he knows
he's about to lose...
He panics and
he punches you.
Jimmy, this is
completely different.
No, it's not... it's
exactly like that.
- Just shut up!
- Aah!
Aah...
Eh?
Oh, my God.
You're right.
It's, like, I get here,
and all I see are their-their...
Their great jobs and...
And their babies
and... how much shorter I am
than everybody else.
You don't seem
that much shorter.
Jimmy, I'm wearing
five-inch heels.
I thought you looked
suspiciously normal- sized today.
Do you know what it's like to be
the only one of your friends
whose legs are too stubby
to jump far enough
to stick to the velcro wall?
No. I run more with
the velcro wallet crowd.
Well, why does it
freak me out so much
just because
somebody's better than me?
I mean, other people
don't act that way.
At work,
people don't lash out at me.
Yeah, yeah. Wait.
Wh-what?
Like, Frank
doesn't lash out
at me, you know?
Shelley doesn't
lash out at me.
Barney doesn't
lash out at me.
Hold on, why would
they lash out at you?
I-I don't know, it's just...
Oh, my God,
you think you're
better than them.
That's-that's...
Not what I'm s...
Okay, the thing is,
is that what...
Oh, come on, you got to give me
Frank; I'm better than Frank.
No, you're not.
You're smarter
and less creepy than Frank,
but Frank is better at...
Not feeling superior to people.
And so is Barney
and shelley and...
Okay, fine, Jimmy, fine!
Then everybody's
just better than me!
Thank you very much
for pointing that out.
Hey.
Listen...
Uh... everybody you meet is gonna
be better than you at some stuff
and worse than you
at other stuff.
I'm sure everyone here is way
better than me at making money.
You know?
But I checked on my kid
ten times more
than they have tonight, and so
I'm probably a better parent.
But if you spend
your entire life
comparing yourself
to everyone you meet,
you're gonna drive
yourself crazy.
I think I already did.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
One...
Three!
Yeah!
Hello!
Please don't kill me.
I just have to go
to the bathroom,
and the toilet
in our home is broken.
Why you not just say so, mon?
'Cause you were waving that
skinny sword in my face.
And I know that the clients
sometimes don't like
the outside help
to use inside stuff.
Is that Sabrina?
Oh, my God.
Is this guy sleeping
with this girl?
I Hope not...
That's his daughter.
Oh, this apple
tastes like plastic.
It is plastic, maw maw!
Oh! That's one of Hope's toys.
Is it too much to ask the kid to
keep her toy food off the floor?
How am I supposed
to tell
what's real food
and what's fake?
How about you just don't
eat food off the floor?
Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?
Hey, check this out.
I picked this up
from my new rich client.
That's her father.
Sabrina's rich.
That must be why she knows
so much about cheese.
Hey!
Sabrina is gonna join us
for dinner.
You guys ordered enough pizza,
right?
Oh, yeah, tons.
That'll be great.
Oh, yeah, sounds
great. Fun.
What's this?
Our toilet's broken.
For a while
we thought it was
low-flow,
but then it turned
out to be no-flow.
Oh, well, I'm happy
to kick in what I can.
Oh, I'll go get her.
Jimmy, look at this picture.
Whoa.
Where'd you get that?
Her dad's a new client.
She's just pretending
to be lower, lower, lower
middle class just like us.
Hey, what if she's
a rich actress
and she's doing research on
how to play a poor person?
Nah, she's too short
to be an actress.
Look, whatever her reasons are,
we should just respect them.
If we ask, it'll just make
things uncomfortable and weird.
What's weird?
Al Yankovic.
Pizza's here.
Hey, aren't you my gas man?
During the day I am.
I got 14 kids.
Oh, bingo!
Found another quarter.
Where are we, Tyler?
That puts you up
to ten dollars and 18 cents,
so you still need $2.68.
That's excluding tip,
which I assume you will be.
It's too bad we don't
have a credit card.
This would be a good time for
one of us to have a credit card.
How much do we save
if we lose the sausage?
Buck and a half.
Lose the sausage.
Getting your sausage
repossessed. Whew.
I bet rich people never have
to feel that sting.
You should just take some money
out of your new toilet jar.
You're saying we should take
the money we're saving
for a new toilet
and spend it on pizza?
Yeah, okay.
I guess
we could do that.
Or, and this is just
a suggestion, but maybe
you could pay for it
since you're rich.
That's right, we
know you're rich.
I bet you could use your fancy
gold credit card with a limit
of a thousand dollars and buy
all the pizzas in Natesville!
You were right.
This is uncomfortable
and weird.
Okay, first of all,
I do not have money.
My family does.
What happened,
did daddy cut you off?
Were you doing heroin?
What? We don't know
how deep this lie goes.
I cut myself off.
I'd would rather live like crap
on money that I earned myself
than live like a princess
on money
that somebody else gave me.
That is the dumbest thing
I ever heard.
Money you don't
have to work for
is the best kind.
It's like getting paid
for not having a job.
It's the best kind of job
not to have.
Well, that explains why
we've never met your family.
You're embarrassed by us.
No, no!
If anything, I'm embarrassed
of my family.
You really expect us to believe
that you're more embarrassed
of your family
than you are by us?
We don't have a pot to pee in.
Actually, I do.
It's in the garage.
Okay, we have one pot
to pee in. Either way...
- I have two. The other one's in the truck.
- See what I mean?
There's no way you
cannot be embarrassed by us.
Fine. If you think I'm hiding
you from my family,
I will take you to meet
my father tomorrow.
- Deal.
- No time for dry cleaning.
Get your church clothes
and the febreze
and meet me in the backyard.
Pull!
Sabrina!
Hey, baby.
Daddy, this is my friend, Jimmy,
and his daughter, Hope,
and his parents,
Burt and Virginia.
Oh, it's nice to meet you.
Cap Collins.
How are you? Hi.
Daddy, are you shooting
mom's favorite China again?
She's traveling the world
with half my money.
I should at least get to do
something fun, huh?
Mackenzie, gravy boat.
Pull!
Bitch loved her gravy.
Here, honey, break this
for me, would you?
There you go.
This is quite a house.
$6.3 million.
Nobody asked how much it cost.
It's impolite
to talk about money.
No, baby, it's impolite to ask
about money.
That's why I tell people,
so they won't be impolite
by asking, huh?
You know what would be fun?
Shooting this China with
the gun that killed Lincoln.
I'll be right back.
Excuse me.
You see?
He's embarrassing.
All he wants
to talk about is money.
I'd talk about money, too,
if I had as much as he does.
Me, too.
I'd take it out,
I'd wave it around,
I'd staple it
to my forehead...
Whatever's fun.
Lobster?
Thank you.
Never had lobster before.
Mmm.
I found my new favorite food.
Sayonara, chipwich.
Mmm.
You got a little bit
of sauce on your shirt.
Oh, stink.
Oh, oh, no,
you know what?
We got a bathroom if you want to
just go ahead and rinse that off.
Oh, no, I'm just
getting the taste out.
Lobster doesn't grow on trees.
I think.
Who knows what goes on
under the sea?
I'll help you.
I'll be right back.
Okay.
Sabrina...
Don't forget your sister's
party is Saturday.
Here, please buy
something nice to wear.
You should come,
too, Jimmy.
Bring Hope.
Sabrina's sister, Susan, has
a daughter about the same age.
I'm sure they'll hit it off.
Sounds great,
thank you.
Ah, why are you
so reluctant
to let me show you
that I love you?
We are not going to
that party, Jimmy.
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun, and besides,
I like the idea of Hope
having wealthy friends.
She'll get
all their old clothes
and she'll learn about
the stuff rich people do,
like yachting and how
valet parking works.
Please don't guilt
me into this.
All my snobby high school
friends are going to be there.
Look, maybe you hate
being around rich people,
but I deserve the chance
to learn to hate them, too,
and so does Hope.
This is so warm.
You could cook on this.
And it shoots water up
for cleaning.
Cleaning what?
Oh.
But then don't
you get all...?
Oh!
Yeah, I got that in Japan...
The toilet of the future.
That thing is so comfortable,
I started to pee sitting down.
Our old toilet made me want
to pee standing up.
Well, this cost $2,000.
Well, we're in the market
for a new toilet,
but our cars don't cost
that much.
Our cars don't smell
this good either.
What is that?
Jasmine.
Has an air freshener.
Ah.
Ah.
Those Japanese know
how to live.
Mmm.
Remember, rich people don't
like to hear the word no,
and since that's the
only word you know,
best just keep
it zipped.
And FYI, when
you hide behind a piece
of furniture,
people know you're pooping.
Guys, easy.
She doesn't understand
what you're saying.
Yes, she does,
she's at that age
where she understands
everything.
Her tongue hasn't grown
into her head yet.
That's why she
can't talk so good.
She'll be fine.
It's me I'm worried about.
How do I look?
Well, I wouldn't say
you're classically handsome,
but you're kind of attractive
in an offbeat kind of way.
I meant the clothes.
They're fine, but don't
do anything stupid.
If they serve filet "miggnon,"
then don't ask for ketchup;
ask for steak sauce.
This party could be all of our
tickets to champagne wishes
and caviar dreams.
"Dear Virginia and Burt,
"please accept this
toilet as a gift.
"It was flown business class
all the way from Japan.
"I'm told sitting next to
it, was Mr. Barry Bonds.
Enjoy,
cap Collins."
Who gives someone
a $2,000 toilet as a gift?
Rich people, that's who.
Do not screw this up.
You understand me, don't you?
She understands me.
Sissy!
I am so glad you made it.
Ooh...
It's gonna
be so much fun.
Yeah, it's very nice of you to
let daddy throw you this party.
It gives him a chance
to hit on all our friends.
What has two thumbs,
a net worth of almost
$20 million,
and wants to have sex with you?
This guy, right here.
- And who is this cutie?
- This is Hope.
It just so happens I have a
little girl about the same age
in the family room
watching yo gabba gabba.
Oh, that's great. Yo gabba gabba
is Hope's favorite show.
Those are the real
yo gabba gabba guys.
We don't allow
Madison to watch TV,
but daddy gave a million dollars
to Muno's favorite charity,
so they stop by
once in a while.
Honey. I got a surprise for you.
It's breakfast for dinner.
A sausage log cabin
with a waffle roof.
I want my old toilet back.
This one is better.
Burt, I'm sorry,
I'm trying to get maw maw
to try the new toilet.
Wrap mine up.
I'll eat it in the morning.
No, maw maw, you cannot
go in the tub.
I can't hold it any longer!
Then get on the new toilet!
But if you eat it in the morning
it won't be
breakfast for dinner.
Stop pushing me!
It'll be
leftover-breakfast-for-dinner
for breakfast.
That's not special.
You can't make me...
Oh...
It's glorious.
So warm.
Permission to increase my fiber.
See? Isn't it nice?
You wouldn't believe
this guy's house.
And get this, he
served us lobster.
Fancy.
And it's not like he
knew we were coming over, either.
He just had lobster,
ready to eat.
On a Thursday.
My wife developed a taste
for the good life.
I need the biggest lobster
this toilet money can buy.
Sorry, Mr. Pinchers,
but my marriage is on the line.
Don't worry, though,
it's going to be a fair fight.
I'll boil the water,
I'll take those rubber bands
off your claws,
and whoever winds up in the pot,
winds up in the pot.
So, Jimmy,
what do you think about
the current
economic situation?
Oh, uh, don't get me started
on that economic situation.
I'm just worried about
what's going on in Greece.
I mean, it's gonna
affect the euro.
I think it's pronounced gyro.
No?
So funny.
Where is Sabrina?
Come on, Virginia. You going
to stay in there all night?
I'm not going to the bathroom.
It's just so comfortable
I'm sitting here
while I paint my nails.
Oh, stupid baby.
Left one of her food toys
in the kitchen again.
Just come to the kitchen
and eat something.
Think of it as an investment
for more time in there later.
Be out in a second.
One more toenail,
one more lady-rinse,
and I'll be good to go.
Ow!
Damn it, Mr. Pinchers.
Not cool.
Nice going, Pinchers.
Uh, don't give me that look.
You know what you did.
It's not his fault.
You're the one
that brought a ferocious
sea creature into the house.
Since when do we pay
a hundred dollars
for food that can bite back?
Since you had lobster
on a Thursday at Cap's house!
Now suddenly
you're some society lady
spending all day sitting
on a luxury crapper!
Burt...
Are you jealous of the toilet?
Of course I am!
You love it!
But not as much as I love you.
I mean... just 'cause it can
detect a urinary tract infection
and e-mail your doctor...
You know what?
Sabrina was right.
It's better to crap
on something you earned
than to feel crappy on something
you didn't work for.
Fine, fine!
We'll just sell it.
That's still no good...
We'll just end up buying
a bunch of other stuff
that I can't afford,
like more stupid lobsters!
Oh, you'd like that,
wouldn't you?
You and ten of your cousins
running around here,
pinching everybody,
ruining everything!
I'm sorry, Mr. Pinchers,
I'm not mad at you.
You're just being a lobster.
Hey, where you been?
I need help talking
to rich people.
Oh, God, see?
I told you they're all jerks.
No, they've been completely
friendly and nice.
At least I think.
I only get about 10% of what they say,
and that's only because somehow
peanut butter came up. No,
Jimmy, I don't want to.
Come on, do it for Hope.
Eh.
But we can't wait to do
Thanksgiving in Tahoe.
Oh!
It's gonna be so much fun
to teach the kids how to ski.
Well, I can't wait to
watch your kids grow up
to enjoy snow as much
as you have, Derek.
That must be so great driving
around in that convertible
pretending like you have
a grown-up-sized penis.
Your doctor did a very good job
fixing that deviated septum.
Glad he decided to do more
work while he was at it.
Boom! Boom! Bam!
Badonkadonk!
Hey, what the hell was all that?
Oh, I know, right?
I told you they were jerks.
They were just talking
about their lives.
You were acting
like a huge jerk.
That poor guy, he had no
idea his wife wore a toupee.
Jimmy, this is just like
high school.
I just had listen to them brag
about their straight A's
and their state champion
tennis teams
and, you know,
who got in to what college.
It's, like, who cares?
Sounds like you do.
You're insecure.
Insecure?
What, about them?
Yes! I mean, that's
why you lashed out.
It's like when
my dad is
in an argument and he knows
he's about to lose...
He panics and
he punches you.
Jimmy, this is
completely different.
No, it's not... it's
exactly like that.
- Just shut up!
- Aah!
Aah...
Eh?
Oh, my God.
You're right.
It's, like, I get here,
and all I see are their-their...
Their great jobs and...
And their babies
and... how much shorter I am
than everybody else.
You don't seem
that much shorter.
Jimmy, I'm wearing
five-inch heels.
I thought you looked
suspiciously normal- sized today.
Do you know what it's like to be
the only one of your friends
whose legs are too stubby
to jump far enough
to stick to the velcro wall?
No. I run more with
the velcro wallet crowd.
Well, why does it
freak me out so much
just because
somebody's better than me?
I mean, other people
don't act that way.
At work,
people don't lash out at me.
Yeah, yeah. Wait.
Wh-what?
Like, Frank
doesn't lash out
at me, you know?
Shelley doesn't
lash out at me.
Barney doesn't
lash out at me.
Hold on, why would
they lash out at you?
I-I don't know, it's just...
Oh, my God,
you think you're
better than them.
That's-that's...
Not what I'm s...
Okay, the thing is,
is that what...
Oh, come on, you got to give me
Frank; I'm better than Frank.
No, you're not.
You're smarter
and less creepy than Frank,
but Frank is better at...
Not feeling superior to people.
And so is Barney
and shelley and...
Okay, fine, Jimmy, fine!
Then everybody's
just better than me!
Thank you very much
for pointing that out.
Hey.
Listen...
Uh... everybody you meet is gonna
be better than you at some stuff
and worse than you
at other stuff.
I'm sure everyone here is way
better than me at making money.
You know?
But I checked on my kid
ten times more
than they have tonight, and so
I'm probably a better parent.
But if you spend
your entire life
comparing yourself
to everyone you meet,
you're gonna drive
yourself crazy.
I think I already did.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
One...
Three!
Yeah!