Raising Hope (2010–2014): Season 1, Episode 6 - Family Secrets - full transcript

Here we go, oh, oh, oh

Daddy-o, oh, oh, oh

Birth control, no, no, no

Let it roll, oh, oh, oh

Oh, oh

Here we go, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh

What's with all the boxes?

Some guys from the prison
left these for Hope.

It's stuff that was in Lucy's cell
before they had to put her down.

Can we start saying "execute" again?

I thought "put her down"
would sound nicer for the baby,



but it's still feeling
like she died at the pound.

I thought "barbecued her"
was a smart way to lighten it up,

but no one wanted to try that.

Hope, your mommy's not here
'cause the governor had her barbecued.

It's close. There's pros and cons.

It's a tough nut to crack.

Ooh! How badass is this?

A zip gun made out of tampon,
cardboard and rubber bands.

Hey, all of this belongs to Hope.

Does anyone know how long it's gonna be
before we get to Havana?

I'm starting to get a little seasick.

Look, Maw Maw, bubble wrap.

Ooh!

Whoa, check out these videos.



"To my baby girl.

"Watch these tapes
so you'll always know your mommy,

"in case they send me off
to the electric bye-bye chair."

- "The electric bye-bye chair."
- Close.

- I don't know.
- Not a fan.

It's a tough nut to crack.

My beautiful, beloved daughter,

if you're watching this,
it's because I'm no longer with you.

But I doubt they'll pull the switch since
they'll never find where I put all the bodies.

FYI, don't dig too deep
in the sandbox at Paulson's Park.

But if I am taken from you,

I wanted you to have
a few nuggets of my wisdom.

Do you not see that I'm making a
movie for my unborn fetus here?

Shut up!

That's wisdom nugget number one,
"Always be considerate of others."

I want you to understand
the importance of books.

In here, a book saved my life.

I used this to stab Tanya.
Tanya tried to take my oatmeal.

Oatmeal is so good for you.

The best way to a man's heart
is through his stomach.

So push your blade in and up
for a definite kill.

I've seen enough.

I still can't believe
you hit something that hot, Jimmy.

We need to burn these,
and not just anywhere.

I think we should burn them in a church.

Hey. We can't destroy those.

That's all Hope has left of her mother.

I'm not so sure that's true.

Nah. Jelly beans.

Jimmy, sometimes you have to
protect your child from the truth.

I'm not lying to Hope.

Well, you're a parent now. You have to lie.

- It's part of the job.
- Wait.

Did you guys lie to me?

She did. Not me.
I do not practice deceitery.

What about, "I know what I'm doing.
You won't get pregnant"?

I believed it at the time.

What did you lie to me about, Mom?

It doesn't matter.
They were dumb little nothings.

Like when Rexie died,

he didn't really go to a farm to hunt rabbits
with Stone Cold Steve Austin's dogs.

And the reason
you shouldn't pick your butt

is not because there's an eel living in
there and he might bite your finger off.

It's just because
you shouldn't pick your butt.

- I forgot about that one.
- I noticed.

And you're not really allergic to fruit.

What?

That was a lie that got
a little out of hand.

When you were little,
you really liked fruit.

And every time we had any in the house,

you'd just gobble it all up before
any of us had a chance to have any.

So I told you you were allergic to it,
and you stopped.

So basically,
I spent my whole life getting punked?

She lied to you, not me.

I've always been very strict
about telling you the truth.

But you never told me the truth.

Because I promised I'd keep her secrets.
I'm also very strict about keeping secrets.

As you can see, it's been
my own private hell. Private hell!

This is all so messed up.

And that's exactly why
I'm not destroying Lucy's tapes.

I'm learning the truth now,
and one day, Hope will, too.

Do not compare me to Lucy.

Those videotapes are way more disturbing
than anything I ever did.

- I'm pretty disturbed.
- I am sorry, Jimmy,

but this is one of those horrible secrets
a parent can never tell their kids.

Wait. Is there some bigger secret
you're not telling me?

- Nope.
- There is. There is. What is it?

I'm not telling you. That's the point.
Weren't you listening just now?

Well, just tell me. I can handle it.

Please. You just got freaked out over fruit.
I'm not telling you squat.

I don't... It's been a private hell.

Private hell!

I can't believe I've been
missing out on this my whole life.

Fruit is delicious.

By the way, I'll pay for this later.

I'm saving the pits so I know what I ate.

Good. Yeah. 'Cause I was super concerned.

And get this.

Apparently, there's some other bigger
secret she says I can't even handle.

- Really? She wouldn't tell you what it is?
- Nope.

Well, you gotta find out.

I mean, what if you were born with both
male and female parts,

but they sewed up the female parts?

Oh, my God. I figured it out.

I think I'm gonna do a
little more research.

I don't feel right about this, Jimmy.

Come on, just a few more.

You're not telling me.
You're just answering questions.

- Is our family really 1/16 Pequot Indian?
- That one is true.

When I was four,
did I really choke on a potato chip

and when I coughed it up,
it had Jesus' face on it?

I thought it looked more like
Kris Kristofferson,

but yes, that one is true.

Is it true that I had a twin
that I killed in the womb?

That one's unclear.

Is my grandmother, Mom's mom,

really a missionary in Africa
who helps sick kids?

- Nice, Burt.
- He guessed it. I didn't say anything.

Fine. It's about my mother.

But we're not telling you what happened,
so you're up a creek.

And then I realized who I could
get to tell me my mother's secret.

Maw Maw.

She's my mom's mother's mother,
so she knows my grandmother.

See, I made you this chart.

This is you. That's me. That's Mom,
and that's Mom's mom, Louise,

who didn't really die as a missionary.

This one, Maw Maw,
can tell us what happened.

There's a catch. She's bananas.
Which, by the way, are amazing.

The best way to talk to Maw Maw
when she's lucid

is to wake her out of a deep sleep.

Who the hell are you? And where's
the gun I keep under my pillow?

I'm your great-grandson,
and we had to take that away from you.

You're my great-grandson?
But you're fully grown.

That must make me...

Oh, dear God.

Listen, while you're lucid,
I gotta talk to you about something.

Unfortunately, once she's up, she's
only reasonable for a short time,

then she goes back to being crazy.

Porter, why the hell has
this train stopped?

It takes some trial and error.

Thing is, you can't try
waking her up again

until you find a way
to soothe her back to sleep.

So this is Mom, and this is you.

So the question is about this one here.

The map looks good,

but once we get down in the bunker,
which one of us kills Hitler?

But eventually, if you're fast,

you can almost always get
what you need out of her.

That's you. That's me. That's my mom.
That's her mom...

- Who is my daughter, Louise.
- Right, right, right.

That's your daughter, Louise. Fantastic.

So all I need
for the final piece of this puzzle

is for you to tell me what happened to her.

Your mother lied to you for a reason.

Stop digging around.

I'm telling you, Hope,
we've got a situation here.

Your grandma
wants to hide your mom's stuff.

Your Boy Scout of a father
wants everything out in the open.

Of course I'm stuck in the middle
like a third nipple.

And on top of it all, we're talking about
your mom's dying wish.

What if they throw all this stuff away,
and you never get a chance to see it?

Oh!

You'll never get to see
these serial killer trading cards.

Bundy, DeSalvo, Dahmer.

All the great ones are here.

You'll never see this stack of magazines
with everybody's eyes cut out.

And look.
She made a voodoo doll of the warden.

Or Al Roker. I don't know.

I can see why she'd be mad at both.
Roker bugs me, too.

Thinks he's better than everybody
'cause he lost weight

and knows when it's gonna rain.

Here. Your mama wanted you to have this.

You sleep tight with that.

But not so tight you snap its neck.

People need to know
when to bring an umbrella.

It's called a star fruit.

We were out of stock when you went
on your fruit binge the other day.

Oh, my God. This is delicious.

Usually you don't eat the sticker,
but you seem to be on kind of a roll, so...

Hey, I found out my big family secret

has something to do
with my dead grandmother.

Really? Maybe she's royalty. Or a spy.

Maybe she's the "Where's the beef?" lady.
You kind of look like her.

Ask me where the beef is.

I don't think that's it. And no one's
telling me anything, so I'm stuck.

Come on. You're not a giver-upper.

Yesterday, you chased a grape
underneath a pile of shopping carts

and fished it out with a mop handle
and ate it.

- Tell me you at least checked the Internet.
- We don't have an Internet thing.

I wanted to get one in high school,
but it's pricey.

Plus, Mom said the Internet tubes
don't stretch to this side of town yet.

Stupid, lying Mom!

Another thing you need to know,
little princess, is how to dance sexy.

The Internet tubes do come here.

You lied about the Internet tubes.

- The baby's sleeping.
- Well, guess what.

It's only a matter of time
before I learn everything about your mom.

Sabrina says she can find anything online.

Stupid Internet.

Why can't you kids
leave well enough alone?

Everything was fine
until you started digging around.

You sound like a Scooby Doo villain.

And I thought I told you
to destroy those videotapes.

They don't belong to you.
They don't even belong to me.

They're Hope's
and she deserves to know her mother...

What the hell's going on with your tongue?

I don't know. My mouth is itchy and tingly.

Is it because I ate this?

Aha! You are allergic to a fruit.

See? I was protecting you.

And if you hadn't gone looking under rocks
for the truth,

you wouldn't have eaten that thing,
and you'd be fine.

Stop digging around.

Too late. Sabrina's gonna find out the
truth whether you like it or not.

God, this itches!

Fine! You want the truth?

Your grandmother was killed by a duck.

You just said
my grandmother was killed by a duck?

Yes.

I was two years old.

There was a beehive
under the eave of the house.

My mother, your grandmother,

got it into her head
that she wanted fresh honey.

She knew there was danger.
So she did what anyone would do.

She tied a sealed plastic bag
around her head.

To keep the bees off her face.

She couldn't get any air. She got dizzy.

But she didn't think
to take the bag off her head.

So she fell over.

And that's when her
head hit the duck.

Happy? Your grandmother was a moron!

As a kid, all the neighbors
would look at me and whisper,

"Poor child. Her mother was such an idiot."

I wanted to shield you from that.

But now you know.

We come from idiot stock. Happy?

I'm starting to not be able to breathe.

Oh. It's you. Barney thought he saw

a homeless lady
stealing on the security camera.

You might wanna get a haircut.

No, see, the star fruit
makes my tongue swell up,

- so I have to chase it with antihistamine.
- Good system.

Hey, check it out. Found some stuff
on your grandmother on the Internet.

Turns out,
she's got a fairly decent credit score.

And she bought
some really funky necklaces online.

My grandmother's still alive?

Yeah. She lives in Hillsboro.

And according to her last status update,

Salad Plantation just ran out
of Thousand Island. Frowny face.

What about the bees? The bag? The duck?

Oh! Son of a bitch. Mom lied again.

- Where you going in such a hurry?
- You wanna know where I'm going?

Why don't you ask the eel
that lives in my butt.

You had pinworms, smart-ass.

Okay, coast is clear, baby.

Let's look at some more
of your crazy mom's stuff.

Here are some Polaroids of men sleeping.

Here's your mom's press clippings.
That's her right here.

"Dear Princess Beyonce..."

That's what she named you. I miss it.
I thought it was spunky, but... Anyway...

"Here's my makeup bag.
Everything is cruelty free.

"Nothing was tested on animals,
because that's mean."

Every time I think this girl's gonna zig,
she zags.

"Do not use any of this makeup
until you're 14,

"or earlier if you're fat. Love, Mommy."

See, if they throw all this stuff away,
you'll never get to use this.

And no offense, but you
are a little chunky.

For the record,
I don't think you need all that stuff,

but it's what your mom wanted.

What do you think my grandmother's
gonna be like?

Judging by the music,
a very in-shape gay dude.

Who is it?

We're looking for Louise Thompson.

That's me. Wow.

Great to see some young people.

You look familiar.

Weren't you at that swingers party
in Lake Lucille last year?

Or maybe you don't remember me
from this angle.

- I think you're my grandmother.
- What?

I'm Virginia Thompson's son.
You're my grandmother.

Am not. No.

No, I am not anybody's grandmother.

How's the crowd in there?
Not too many old farts, I hope.

I don't wanna hear it!

- Grandma, can we just talk for a second?
- No, no, no.

Grandma, please. Grandma, I just...
Grandma!

Stop calling me that!

It's who you are.

I was 20 years old, and I wanted
to give Virginia up for adoption.

As you can see, I'm not the mothering type.

But Maw Maw wouldn't hear of it.
She wanted me to keep Virginia.

We had a fight.
I said, "Fine, raise her yourself,

"but make up a story
so she doesn't come looking for me."

Your mom didn't lie to you.

She really believes
the falling on the duck story.

About a woman going after honey?
With a bag on her head?

I can't believe she used that story.

That was in a Reader's
Digest we saw.

You know, we're still at the same house.

You should come and visit,
get to know your daughter.

I'm sure she'd be cool with your hobby.

I chose this for my life.
I don't wanna change anything.

I'm sorry, kid.
This is all the family I need.

I have a whole new understanding

of why grandmothers cover their furniture
in plastic.

Stop it!

Unbelievable. I'm sorry he did this to you.

I had a bad night, too.

I don't even know what's up anymore.

I've been so mad at Mom
for keeping secrets from me.

But, you know, she just thought she
was protecting me from an ugly truth.

And that truth was a
lie Maw Maw told,

because she was protecting Mom
from an even uglier truth,

that Louise had abandoned her.

Maw Maw figured it was better for Mom
to think Louise had passed away

than to find out she had a mom
who left home and didn't care.

I don't want us
to have secrets in our family,

but what's the point of being honest
if it breaks someone's heart?

Looky who's back.

Where'd you run off to, anyway?

I...

Sabrina told me they got in something
called a kumquat,

- and, you know, I had to try it.
- For four hours?

They're really good.
I ended up eating all of them.

See why I lied? You hog all the damn fruit.

Hey, man.

You didn't tell her that I did all
the makeup or anything, did you?

No, your secret's safe with me.

All the family secrets are safe with me.

Thanks. It's a private hell, isn't it?
It's a private hell.

Are you sure
this is suitable for kids?

Sabrina helped me transfer it
to a computer and we fiddled with it.

Dear Hope,
this is a video from your mother.

She thinks a lot of you.

My beautiful, beloved daughter...

She wanted you to have
a record of her love.

And maybe with luck,
a few nuggets of my wisdom.

Like any good mother,
she cared about your education...

I want you to understand
the importance of books.

In here, a book saved my life.

... your health...

Oatmeal is so good for you.

And she wanted you to learn

the basic moves required
for doing hula hoop.

- Amazing, Jimmy!
- Thanks.

If you edit out all the violence, cursing,
threatening and graphic lesbian sex,

Lucy's actually kind of sweet.

You're the apple in my eye

You're the peaches in my pie

You're the blue in my sky

You're everything to me

You're the icing on my cake

You're the smile when I awake

You're everything to me

You're everything to me

I still can't believe you hit that, Jimmy.

Thanks, Dad.

English - US - SDH